


My Sweet Dwarf

by HideTheDecay



Series: My Sweet Dwarf Series [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Abusive Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:45:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 65
Words: 244,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16019153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HideTheDecay/pseuds/HideTheDecay
Summary: “I’ve always noticed your smile and those golden honeyed eyes, but it was your genuine care for other people that really made you stand out. And I’ve known you needed someone better than Hawke since the first night I gave you my bed.”





	1. Chapter 1

Hawke’s encounters with the healer of Darktown had been interesting, to say the least. He had no interest in letting a mage join their ranks, but Anders had forced his way in by refusing to hand over the maps he needed without having a favor returned. In the weeks that followed, he’d proven himself extremely useful. Useful enough that Hawke had warmed up to him, at least a little bit. It made sense to have a healer on hand and if he did have to have a mage around, at least he’d found one that was easy on the eyes.

When Anders had to kill his lover Karl, Hawke had admired the strength he saw in him. He wasn’t one for sentimentality himself, but he knew that had to be difficult and he’d still done it with his own hand. He had put a hand on Anders’ shoulder before they parted ways that day, wanting to acknowledge his sacrifice and comfort him, even in such a small way after such an ordeal.

In the days that followed, he thought of Anders and how he must be mourning. He thought perhaps he should stop by and offer his condolences, but that felt like a rather empty gesture. The healer was a good ally and he deserved something a little more substantial. He spent the day in the market collecting things for him in a basket - some bottles, towels, and bandages for the clinic, a bottle of wine, some sweets, and a warm meat pie - deciding that a gift might mean a little more to the man.

It was evening by the time he reached the clinic in Darktown, the door closed and the lantern out. Hawke knocked on the door, a firm and assertive knock that Anders would likely recognize, and waited.

\---

The mage sighed at the sound of the knock, wishing that the people would understand that he needed to rest. He could help them when he had the time and the energy, but waking him up at all hours of the night was annoying and productive for no one. Not that he was actually asleep, but still, the sentiment was still the same.

It occurred to him a moment later that the knock was one that he recognized and he rose to his feet to answer the door, he wasn’t surprised by who he found on the other side. He was a little less annoyed, but not much.

“Hawke,” he acknowledged him, curt and polite. He had nothing against the man, but he hadn’t exactly made a good first impression, the way he’d come strolling into his clinic demanding information. They’d managed to strike a deal and though the outcome hadn’t been at all what he’d hoped for, he had to admit that the rogue had held up his end of the bargain and that fighting beside him had been as good as fighting could be.

He glanced down at the basket in his hand, his brows furrowing a little bit, then looked back to him, waiting for him to tell him what the late night visit was about.

\---

“Anders.” He saw that he was surprised by the sight of the basket, which was to be expected. It wasn’t as if he regularly dropped by with gifts. “I just wanted to stop by and see if you were alright. As alright as can be expected after things turned out the way they did.”

\---

He was taken aback and it showed. His eyes went back to the basket and he scanned what was inside for a long moment, before stepping back. “Come in.” He held the door open for him, waiting for him to move inside.

\---

Hawke hadn’t really expected an invitation inside. He thought they’d exchange words in the doorway, he’d take the basket, and that would be all. But he stepped inside just the same and once he crossed the threshold, he offered him the basket. “The meat pie is still warm if you haven’t eaten yet.” It was late enough that he likely already had, but he’d ordered one hot, just in case.

\---

He took the basket from him, holding the handle between both of his hands. “Thanks, you didn’t have to do all that.” He appreciated it, though, and it surprised him. A lot. Hawke’s friends had been sympathetic enough towards him following what had happened in the Chantry, but none of them had reached out towards him like this. “I always have room for more,” he offered him a little smile. “Curse of the Wardens - eat like a king and never be satisfied.”

He shifted his weight, not really sure where to go from there. “Want to crack open the wine with me?” He figured he ought to offer, since he’d brought it, and really… he wouldn’t mind the company. The last few days had been rough.

\---

He considered it a moment. He hadn’t planned to stay, but he also didn’t need to be anywhere else that night. “Sure, I can stay for a little while.” He smirked a little. “Especially if you’re sharing that wine. It’s a good vintage.” He moved in further, helping himself to the seat he wanted and making himself comfortable.

\---

He shut the door behind him and locked it, ensuring they wouldn’t be disturbed. He made his way over to him and set the basket down, pulling out not only the wine but the pie as well. He grabbed a fork as well as a couple of wooden cups - all he had to offer - and set one down in front of him.

He filled up the cups and lifted his own in a toast. “Fuck the Chantry.” He waved the cup in his direction and then took a deep drink of it, rather enjoying the taste.

\---

Hawke smirked at the toast. He had no qualms with the Chantry, except for the occasions when they were in his way. “Fuck ‘em.” He toasted as well and took a long drink. “These cups are rough on the lips. Keep working for me and you’ll have the coin to upgrade this whole place.”

\---

He chuckled. “I don’t know how long I’m staying.” He shrugged. His reason for being here had disappeared with Karl and honestly, after having left the Wardens the way he did, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d probably just wander around some more, keep his nose out of trouble, same old same old.

“Besides, this place is a bit of a shithole, isn’t it?” He continued to sip at the wine, resting his jaw against free hand. “No matter what I do, there’s always more coming.”

\---

“Yeah, Kirkwall is a dump. But it won’t be when I’m done with it.” He gave a shrug as well and swirled the wine in his cup. “But if you want more work for as long as you’re here, I’ve got plenty more coming.”

\---

“You’ve got big plans then?” He pulled the meat pie closer and began to dig into it. He’d had a small dinner earlier that night, but it hadn’t consisted of much and he was pretty hungry still. “More than what you’re looking for on those maps?”

\---

“Bigger than the Deep Roads. That’s just the beginning.” He wasn’t interested in any of the pie himself. He’d just have a glass of wine. “If you stick around, you’ll see. But if you’ve got other places to go after what happened, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving.”

\---

“I suppose I don’t.” He had nowhere to go, but that didn’t mean sticking around here was preferable. This would be the worst place for him to stick around… but maybe that was why he hadn’t just taken off immediately. Knowing what he did about Kirkwall and the Gallows and with what had happened to Karl - no one gave a shit about the mages around here. The only reason why he was tolerated was because he’d proven how useful he could be to the people around here.

Such was the lot of mages.

“There’s a whole lot of world, but when it comes down to it, it’s all basically the same.”

\---

“True. But that’s only because I haven’t traveled far yet.” He gave him a wink, then drained his cup of wine. “If there’s nowhere you need to be, stick around. We can clean up this shit hole town together. Besides, you’re not half bad. To fight with or look at.” He said this quite shamelessly, sitting back in his seat and stretching.

\---

The response brought a smile to his lips and as he went on it grew. His expression changed a little at the flirt, a warmth entering his eyes. “You’re not half bad yourself.” His civil demeanor began to fade, becoming more comfortable in his presence. “Perhaps you come on a bit strong, but some people like that.” His own flirt in response - he had come on rather strongly when they met, but that, of course, was only the surface of what he meant.

\---

“I need someone who can handle a man who comes on strong.” He reached to pour himself a bit more wine. Perhaps he could stay a little longer. “If I’m going to change Kirkwall I can’t just tiptoe around, after all.”

\---

His fingers traced the rim of his cup absently. “Your plan is to run around daggers swinging?” He was still smiling, though it was closer to a smirk now. “What kind of rogue are you again?” He took another sip of his wine, then realizing there wasn’t much left, downed the rest. “Sound like the dead kind to me.”

\---

“You don’t think I could just tell you my plans, do you?” He leaned into the table and lowered his voice as if about to divulge some sort of secret. “That happens to be very privileged information, Anders. Perhaps you’ll eventually be privileged enough to know. But for now, the Deep Roads is as far as I’ll tell you.”

\---

“Shame. I could save a dead rogue, if I so wanted.” He poured himself some more wine. Not a dead rogue, but people certainly had a tendency to live longer around him. “I don’t tend to run into things I know nothing about, though.” That wasn’t really true, but he was certainly enjoying the banter. “I also don’t tend to run into things with people I know nothing about, either.”

\---

“Is that so?” He used the advantage of already leaning over the table to take hold of the mage by his robes. He pulled him in roughly, pressing a firm, heated kiss to his lips. It only lasted a couple beats, but when he broke it, he didn’t release his robes. “The best way to find out is to dive in.”

\---

Being manhandled like that startled him, but as soon as he felt the lips on his, he melted. The rogue was extremely attractive - as attractive as this assertiveness that was coming from him in waves. “I agree,” he murmured, his voice deepening as he leaned in to close the distance between them, bringing him back into a kiss that he didn’t hesitate to deepen.

\---

He smirked against his lips, pleased that he’d accepted the advance he’d made without warning. He felt him deepen the kiss and answered in like, his tongue boldly exploring the mage’s mouth. It tasted of the wine they’d been drinking, which made it all the more intoxicating. His grip on the robes tightened, forcing him to stay close.

\---

The tongue in his mouth was so satisfying and he groaned under his breath, not caring about anything but the mouth devouring his. His hands slid up into his hair and he gripped at the thick locks, deciding to fight him for dominance and trying to work his tongue into his mouth instead.

\---

Hawke didn’t allow him in, his kiss growing more aggressive to keep his tongue in his mouth. He decided to up the ante and his hands loosened their grip on his robes, only to start seeking out their fastenings to start tugging them off instead. He’d never fucked a mage, but he didn’t imagine undressing one would be all that complicated.

\---

He hadn’t in his wildest dreams imagined this happening, but when the hands began to work at loosening his robes, he felt a thrill that began to perk him. He let go of his hair to help him, pushing his sleeves down and off of his shoulders so they could start to fall. Occupied as they were with the kiss, the rogue wouldn’t be able to see him, but he looked somewhat thin, as if he hadn’t had a good meal in some time, but there was still a decent amount of lean muscle on his frame, all built up from his time in the Wardens.

His own fingers began to tug at the rogue’s armor, finding fastenings and undoing them haphazardly.

\---

He’d expected Anders to start clamming up at that point. To try to stop his hands and give him reasons they should wait. But he began to perk as well when the mage not only helped him, but began to undress him in return. He made a soft sound of approval against his lips, exploring the skin of his torso with his hands.

\---

He was excited and he rose up so that he could move closer to him, letting his robes slide off and stepping out of them as he climbed into his lap, straddling him and pressing his growing interest into him. This was good. This felt better than the pain he’d been struggling with in each passing day.

This was companionship and he’d been sorely lacking that lately.

\---

He could feel him pressing into him, his own arousal growing against Anders’ thigh. “You have oil in here?” He broke the kiss to ask, nipping hard at his jaw. He’d fuck him without it, but it would be more comfortable for them both if he had it. His hand dropped down to squeeze his ass, his hips starting to rock up eagerly against him.

\---

“Mm,” he hummed in confirmation, though he really didn’t want to get up. He’d found a spot to settle and he quite liked it. Still, if this was going to progress they would need it. “I’ll get it. Take off your trousers.” He slipped off of him, his eyes taking in the sight of his body hungrily, his eyes drawn to and following the trail of hair that lead to where he wanted access.

He went to grab a bottle of oil and when he returned, he set it on the table, taking the moment to push down his small clothes and reveal his bare body in its entirety.

\---

By the time Anders returned to him, he’d slipped off what was left of his clothes. He was lounged back in his seat, his cock at full attention as he watched the mage remove his small clothes. He liked everything he saw and he beckoned him back onto his lap. “Come here…”

\---

He didn’t hesitate to climb right back into his lap, straddling him and feeling the bare skin pressing into him. He eagerly returned to his lips, wanting to get lost in his mouth, while his hands began to map out the flesh in front of him, his touch beginning to leave trails of electricity in their wake.

\---

The electricity was new for him but pleasant and it spurred his hips to start rocking into him again. His hand dropped low to grasp his cock, squeezing and giving him firm strokes. He took a dominant role in their kiss once more, firmly working his tongue into Anders’ mouth and only letting the other explore his on his terms.

\---

The mage gave a little squirm as he was pleased, breathing a moan into his mouth, not at all minding him taking over. It’d been a while since he’d had a man like him and he had no issue with giving himself to him, letting him decide how much he would take and when. He couldn’t help but be a little cheeky, though, sucking on his tongue while it was in his mouth and biting his lip firmly enough to make the tender flesh ache.

\---

He didn’t mind the rough treatment, returning it stroking him faster in hopes of winding him up more. When he was starting to ache with need, he broke the kiss and met his eyes. He reached for the oil, using it to give Anders’ cock a slick coating to make his strokes more potent, then offered him the bottle. “Ride me.”

\---

Anders took the bottle from him and poured some of the oil over his own hand. He met his gaze as he rose up, reaching for him and giving him a few particularly slow strokes to slicken him. His eyes were bright and when he’d covered every inch of him with the oil, the little trials of electricity running through his cock, he positioned him and began to sank down on him.

His body accepted him readily enough, though he found himself biting his lip absently as he stretched around him.

\---

He had given a pleasant squirm as the electricity gave his cock a thrill and when he sank down on him, he blew out a slow, satisfied breath. He hadn’t expected anything like this and here he was, balls deep in the healer he’d come to visit. He wasted no time, gripping his hip with his free hand and starting to ram his hips in into him, hard and fast.

\---

He made a sound of surprise, a deep groan that filled the air around them, his hands grabbing and clutching tightly at his shoulders. “I thought you wanted me to ride you?” He was breathless and his voice shook, doing what he could to meet the pace that had been set, his entire body moving frantically to take the fucking that was being given to him.

\---

“I do. I just wanted a good feel of you first.” He murmured when he finally slowed his hips to a more reasonable pace. If the mage didn’t ride him adequately, he could go right back to fucking him. “Go ahead.”

\---

He didn’t hesitate, getting right into it. He rose and fell on his cock, using his entire body to really throw himself into the motion, taking him as deep as he could so that the length of him would rub against where he needed it. He moaned, letting his head tip back, his body leaning to follow, giving the rogue quite a view of him while he worked hard to pleasure them both.

\---

He enjoyed the sight of him as he rode the length of his cock, tipping his hips up to help him angle in deeper, but giving Anders control of the pace for the most part. He continued to stroke him, keeping it slow and squeezing the head of him at the height of each pass. He leaned in and ran his tongue up the length of his neck, unable to resist while it was so exposed.

\---

It felt really good. Everything did - clearly he knew what he was doing. That much had been clear from the moment he met him, but he’d never really appreciated it like he was right now. “Hawke,” he moaned, liking the way his name felt on his tongue, especially when it slipped off of it _that way_.

His fingers dug into his shoulders, nails marking the skin with crescents.

\---

“Say my name again.” He’d really liked hearing it on his lips. It was so good and he groaned against his throat, pushing his hips up into him a little harder. He was doing an excellent job riding him, but he still couldn’t resist trying to take more of him.

\---

He didn’t hesitate to oblige him, moaning his name again. Then again, when he met his falling hips, making their skin smack together all the harder. At that point, he couldn’t help himself, the name slipping from his lips periodically as they coupled, his body beginning to writhe as sweat built on his skin and darted down it here and there. A bead of cum did the same from his cock, building up and then dripping down, his name soon being replaced with moans that were turning desperate as his pace.

\---

He loved hearing his name over and over and he worked his cock that much faster and snapped his hips up that much harder the more he got lost in it. He nipped his neck hard, his pace growing wild as it had in the beginning the more his pleasure mounted. He wanted to get the mage off first and so he began to pump his cock desperately, wanting to get off on feeling the other spill.

\---

He gave him what he wanted, the increase in effort was more than he could handle. With another writhe, his wildest yet, he came hard, his cock releasing all over the rogue’s hand and chest, his muscles clenching tightly around him as he cried out. The fingers dug so hard a couple of his nails cut into him.

\---

He moaned when the muscles gripped his cock and he felt the mess cover his skin. He pounded his hips up into him for the last few thrusts he needed, his breath catching as he spilled heavily into the mage. He slowed to a stop when he’d emptied the last of his release, his hands falling away from Anders. He lounged back again, getting an eyeful of the man in his lap.

\---

The mage’s body slowly began to relax and slump, left flushed and glistening. He looked at the rogue, saw him looking in return, and gave him a slight smirk. He let go of him, catching his breath and recovering, before leaning in to steal a final kiss from him. With that done, he pulled away from him and rose to his feet, somewhat conscious of facing him with the heat of the moment behind them. He went to grab a couple of rags for them, wetting them, and tossing him one to clean up with.

He doubted that would happen again, but he didn’t regret it - it’d been a while since he’d had that kind of release and he’d needed it.

\---

He took the rag offered and used it to wipe the sweat from his brow, then the mess on his hand. Then he looked down to his chest and back up at Anders. “You made a mess. Least you could do is clean it up for me…”

\---

Anders was in the middle of wiping himself down absently, his mind already fixed on the memories of what had happened, but he slowed to a stop when he spoke up. He considered him, his mischievous look forming slowly, and then approached him, lowering to his knees in front of him. “That’s what you want me to do?” he asked coyly, looking up at him, hands resting on his thighs, the rag bunched in one of them.

\---

“That’s what I said.” He watched him with a smirk, liking the sight of him on his knees. “It’s your mess, Anders. I want to see you clean me up.”

\---

Meeting his gaze unwaveringly, he leaned in and began to lick his cum from him, cleaning him with thorough swipes of his tongue. Even after he’d gotten everything there was to get, he continue to lick and suck here and there, until finding his way to his cock and wrapping his lips around him to suck. He sucked only enough to clean the oil and cum that had smeared on it, then pulled off to look up at him.

“Better?”

\---

He’d writhed, still sensitive when his cock was sucked, but he looked ever so satisfied. Especially in the way he’d kept eye contact with him while he worked. “Much. You clean me well for such a dirty mage.” He reached to stroked his fingers through his hair, knocking more of it loose from the tie.

\---

The touch was nice, but unexpected. He was use to sex with strangers ending abruptly, though, sure, Hawke wasn’t a stranger. He was close enough to a stranger that he’d figured as soon as they were done, they were done. He subconsciously found himself tilting his head closer to the fingers, wanting the touch. This had helped, there was no doubt about it, but he was harboring pain that sex could only help in the heat of the moment.

\---

He had expected his touch to be accepted for the fleeting thing that it was, but he was surprised when Anders leaned into it. He wanted to be touched. Hawke had found that to be the case in women before, but never from a man. He must really still be heartbroken over Karl. Deciding it might be in his favor to help Anders recover his wounds a little more, he swept his fingers through his hair again, this time cradling his head. “Want me to stay the night?” He liked the sight of him on his knees anyway, if he stayed the night, he could give Anders the company he needed and he’d likely get a morning blowjob out of it.

\---

Anders didn’t know what to say. He was so taken aback by the offer, by him even showing up, really, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted that. The last time he’d properly shared a bed with someone had been years prior. When another mage had snuck into his bunk late one night and they’d cuddled until morning.

It wasn’t uncommon for the mages of the Circle to take what contact they could get.

With some hesitation, he nodded. “My cot’s not very big… but we can share it, if you like.”

\---

“We’ll make it work.” If it was too uncomfortable, he could just go home. He reached for his cup of wine and sipped from it. “Finish your supper. Then we’ll go lay down.” It had been a while since he’d had a woman want him to spend the night and really, as long as he didn’t have anywhere to be, he didn’t mind the warmth of sharing a bed once in awhile.

\---

He nodded and rose up, grabbing his under robes and pulling them back on. He preferred to remain covered by at least them at all times. He took his seat and returned to his meal, taking steady bites of it between sips of wine. He didn’t really have anything to say and at this point, he didn’t want to risk saying something that would make this awkward, so he just did as he was told, finished his food, and then pushed the tin it had been cooked in aside.

\---

Hawke looked perfectly comfortable, sitting bare in the clinic and waiting with wine in hand. He finished the last of his cup and since it looked like Anders was done, he rose from his seat, grabbing his trousers to pull them on but leaving the rest of his clothes and his boots on the floor. “Ready?”

\---

Anders answered by rising up and leading him to his nook. There wasn’t all that much there, a table, his cot, a chest - it looked much like the rest of the clinic did, the exception being a decorative pillow that looked rather out of place laying on his cot. He picked it up and set it aside, wanting it out of the way.

The cot was really rather small, but he eased down onto it on his side, giving the rogue as much room as he could to join him.

\---

His own bed was nothing special, but he wasn’t expecting something as small as the cot. It was disappointing, but he was staying because Anders needed the contact, after all. If they decided to do this again, they could bunk at his place. He settled down onto his side as well, having enough space that he was pressed lightly into the mage. He draped an arm around him, watching him serenely. “Comfortable?”

\---

The mage nodded, tentatively moving in and making up for the lack of space by way of simply pressing close to him. “Are you?” Probably not as much as he hoped, but if the rogue wanted to leave, he could leave.

\---

“Plenty comfortable.” He tightened his arm around him, welcoming him when he pressed closer to him. He kissed his brow and closed his eyes. “Get some sleep, Anders.”

\---

He was at a loss for words, so he just did as he was told, closed his eyes, and settled down for the night. It was far easier to fall asleep in his arms than it had been since he’d killed his old lover, and it was only minutes before his breathing evened out, content and at peace.


	2. Chapter 2

When Anders woke the next morning, he was a little sore. In his cot, which wasn’t the most comfortable bed in the world, he often shifted this way and that, relieving pressure points on his body through the night. As they were, he hadn’t been able to do that and thought he’d slept through the night, by morning, his hip and back were aching.

His eyes opened and he took in the sight of the sleeping rogue, at first barely processing it. He knew why he was there, but it was a few minutes before he actually began to think about what had occured the night before. He just watched him for a while and then eventually, a little smile pulled at his lips - the abrasive rogue was rather sweet, wasn’t he?

\---

Hawke liked his sleep and he was still out when Anders woke, despite the uncomfortable bed and unusual sleeping arrangement. His own back was beginning to ache though and he shifted a little against Anders, a little groan of discomfort escaping him. He stretched his legs, then relaxed them and nestled closer to the mage instinctively.

\---

He heard the groan and realizing that he must be feeling the same, he set a hand over his spine and sent a little bit of healing magic in to ease the discomfort. It wouldn’t take it away completely, but it would help a lot. It was the least he could do for him, after his thoughtful gestures from the night before.

\---

The relief of pain was enough to rouse him and it was a very pleasant way to wake. He sensed that he was lying in bed with someone and as soon as his eyes opened, he remembered what he was doing in this cot with this man. He could feel the hand on his back and the soothing magic it provided. He wasn’t big on magic, but the healing magic Anders provided had proved useful more than once. “Thanks.” He murmured, a smirk on his lips.

\---

“Wouldn’t need your thanks if I had a better bed.” He gave a half-shrug, but returned his smirk with a smile. He pulled his hand back when he finished healing his aches, not wanting to throw too much contact at him, in case it wasn’t wanted.

\---

“You’ve got a point. Keep working with me and we’ll get you a proper bed.” He chuckled under his breath and leaned back to stretch his torso and his arms. Shifting that way made it clear that he was hard, as he often was when he woke. “Proper wine glasses and a proper bed. You’ll be a whole new man.”

\---

He felt him pressing into him and it made his cheeks heat a little. Not out of embarrassment, but out of delight. “Seems like you really want me to stay…” He reached down between them and found him, giving him a squeeze through his trousers.

\---

His brows raised when he was squeezed and he chuckled. “So what if I do?” He was a good asset to their group. He didn’t want to see the mage wander off just because they couldn’t save Karl. “Is that such a bad thing?”

\---

“No, I suppose not.” He continued to squeeze and rub him, meeting his gaze lazily. “I may need further convincing,” he warned him, slipping his hand beneath his trousers and wrapping his fingers around him, enjoying the warm of his cock beneath them.

\---

His cock was thick and eager for his touch and he groaned softly when the fingers wrapped around him. “I bet you’ll come around to the idea.” He would pay him another visit, especially if the sex would be as good as it was the first time.

\---

As with before, he put just a little bit of magic into the touch, giving him a tingling sensation that was unreplicable. He stroked and rubbed him beneath his trousers, enjoying his reactions to the simple attention. “I didn’t really get a good taste of you last night…”

\---

The magic was really nice and he pressed his hips into the touch, exhaling slowly. “That’s true, you didn’t. If you’d like to, here’s your chance…”

\---

“Want to guess what I can do with my tongue?” he murmured, giving him a smirk as he drew his  hand out and pushed himself up. The cot was far too small for this, so he slipped off of it, moving to his knees on the ground and waiting for the rogue sit up so he could reach him.

\---

Hawke raised his hips to push his trousers down and off before he sat up, spreading his thighs so they were on either side of Anders. He was every bit as lovely of a sight on his knees as he had been the night before and he reached out to stroke his hair as he had the last time he saw him from this vantage. “I don’t know what you can do. But I’m eager to find out…”

\---

He liked the attention and it made him all the more eager to lean in and begin playing with him. Wrapping his fingers back around him and licking the head of him intently. He tips of his fingers off his free hand traced the inside of his thigh, almost tickling, but the motion was absent, his focus otherwise demanded.

The trick wouldn’t be as surprising if he’d never done it with his fingers, but he pushed a little bit of that electricity in through his tongue, making his skin tingle wherever he licked.

\---

The electricity was that much more potent coupled with his saliva, making his gasp softly when he lapped at him with it. “That’s really nice…” Even a regular blow would have been nice, but the magic made it a unique experience.

\---

He didn’t limit himself to electricity, putting both ice and fire into it, though when he switched over to heat after chilling him, he parted his lips to take him in, wrapping him up in the warm as he began to suck and bob his head slowly. His fingers moved in from his thigh and found his sack, fondling him as he worked him thoroughly, taking his time and giving him a lot of varying sensations to feel and getting an idea of what he seemed to favor.

\---

The shifting elements were intoxicating and his breathing was picking up quickly. The cold had almost been unpleasant, but it made him gasp when he was given the heat as well as the warmth of his mouth. Both of his hands worked into his hair and he rocked into his mouth, his cock beginning to leak on his tongue.

\---

The reactions were enjoyable and he looked up at him with mirth in his eyes. He pulled off briefly to trace a vein with his tongue, switching back to electricity as he did so, but when he made his way back up and took him in once more, he was back to heat. He could see that he seemed to like that and so when he began to really work him, sucking him hard and moving with the rhythm of his rocking hips, he maintained that warmth.

\---

“That’s so good…” Staying the night had definitely been worth it. He squirmed and moaned whenever he did something just right, but really, all of it was amazing. “If you keep doing that, I’ll cum in no time…” He’d needing a good sucking and the way Anders was working him was perfect.

\---

He hummed, telling him in no words that he wanted exactly that. He became all the more enthusiastic in his work, wanting to bring him to and taste his load. It was a good reward for his effort and this in general was a good thank you for his consideration the night before.

\---

He was thrilled that the mage got even more into his work. He could always tell the difference when someone hurried this along to be done with it or when someone got more enthusiastic because they wanted to taste his seed. Anders was definitely the latter and he massaged his scalp with his fingers to thank him for it. He tipped his head back, closing his eyes as the mage gave him all that he needed to reach his release. He gasped, his hips jerking as he spilled a thick load into his mouth, making himself open his eyes as he wanted to watch him swallow it down.

\---

With his eyes shut, he closed his own, getting really into it and as soon as he began to spill, he groaned in satisfaction, swallowing him and sucking as he squeezed, making sure to empty him completely. His eyes opened and when he saw the rogue was looking at him, he pulled off with a grin. His tongue darted out and he gave him an icy lick at the very tip of him, then sat back. “Better?”

\---

He shivered pleasantly as he was licked clean, the ice a welcome change after all the heat. He grinned in return and nodded. “Much. You’re damn good at that.” The rogue ran his hands through his hair once more, then pulled back to stretch and grab his trousers.

\---

He just smirked as if to say ‘I know’ and rose to his feet. He stretched and decided that it was time to get dressed, so he slipped out of the nook to go to where his clothes had been dropped to the floor, pulling them on. He was a bit hard from all that himself, but he wasn’t expecting anything.

\---

Hawke stood and pulled on his trousers. Despite the slight backache, much relieved by his magic, this had been an excellent way to start the day. He left the nook as well then, moving the gather the rest of his discarded clothing from the night before. “I’m glad I dropped by. If I have some work for you before the week is out, I’ll let you know.” He was all business again by his tone, but his eyes were warm when he looked to the mage.

\---

“Sounds good.” He still wasn’t expecting anything to come from this, though he couldn’t help but be curious how he felt. Obviously he felt some way after all of that… He wouldn’t just show up with a gift basket for him and then stay the night, holding him like that, if he wasn’t feeling something. The thought of Hawke having a crush on him made him feel light and warm and the indifference he’d felt towards him before this was long gone.

Still, he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. If Hawke didn’t want to take it any further than what they’d just done, that was fine. “See you later and thanks again for the basket.”

\---

“No problem. I hope it helps, even a little.” He moved to the mage, standing close and studying him. He really was attractive, especially now that he’d seen him bare. “See you later.” He leaned in and kissed him, firmly but very briefly, ending it in a nip. With that, he took his leave without another word, a smirk on his lips. He highly doubted Anders was thinking of leaving Kirkwall after a night like that.


	3. Chapter 3

The invitation to hang out with Varric again had been gladly received. Any excuse for time out of the clinic. He’d met up with the dwarf once before - an invitation to get to know each other over some drinks that had gone well enough. As far as first impressions went, he liked Varric. There wasn’t much to dislike and it had become abundantly clear as they sat around the lively patrons of the bar, that he wasn’t the only one that felt that way.

This time, however, he’d been invited to stop by his room so they could enjoy a drink away from the noisy bar.

He knocked on the door, leaning into the frame as he waited for an answer.

\---

Varric answered quickly, having expected the mage to be on time. He seemed like the punctual sort, but then, he needed more time with him to really determine what ‘sort’ he was. “Come on in, Blondie. Have a seat.” He closed the door behind the man, but didn't lock it. He wasn't sure how comfortable Anders was with him alone, but closing the door at least drowned much of the ruckus from downstairs. “I ordered a pitcher of ale for us - the good stuff, not the watered swill they serve downstairs. But I have other options if you're thirsty for something else.”

\---

He didn’t understand the nickname Varric gave him. Sure, he was blonde, but why that of all things? He hadn’t bothered questioning it, since it seemed he called everyone something of his own choosing. Everyone but Hawke, for whatever reason. It didn’t bother him. He was use to being called all sorts of things, he just didn’t understand _this_ particular thing.

“No, that’s fine.” He wasn’t picky and as he moved to take a seat, he looked around the room curiously. He’d set his staff aside and made himself comfortable, his eyes returning to the dwarf. “To be honest, I’m kind of surprised you invited me again.” He figured that after the first time, they’d gotten their impressions out of the way and they’d only see each other when Hawke invited them out together, such as they had earlier that week.

\---

“Don't be surprised. I'm a social butterfly - meeting up once a week to for a mission doesn't cut it for me. I like to spend _time_ with people. Get to know them.” He was glad that the mage looked comfortable and he poured a mug of ale for each of them before he took his own seat. He had dice and cards already out on the table. The dwarf sat back, lacing his hands over his stomach as he lounged. “I was glad you came out on another mission with us.” He really hadn't needed to, not after things went so sour on their attempt to rescue Karl. “I'm sure you're plenty busy in the clinic when you're not running around with us.”

\---

He shrugged. “Usually. It’s a bit of a relief to get out of there.” He didn’t mind doing it. People needed him, that much was clear, but it still wasn’t something he liked pouring himself into. “It doesn’t help that I sleep there. If I didn’t get out of there once in a while, I’d forget what the sun looks like.”

He took a sip of the ale. “That’s not bad.” It was better than what they’d been served last time and with that in mind, he took a deep drink of it.

\---

“If you drink up here and you know how to order, you can get the good stuff.” He took a deep drink himself. “I can see how working for Hawke would be a nice change of pace for you. I bet you’ve had some really wild things at your clinic though. Having to mend all the idiotic ways people come up with to get themselves hurt, you must have seen it all.” He smirked and raised his brows as he waited for an answer, inviting him to tell a story.

\---

He chuckled. “Well, I haven’t been here that long.” Rather than get into a story about what had happened here in Darktown, he instead found himself telling him a story about a time in Amaranthine when a dwarf had set off an explosive and caused a rockslide that had engulfed not only a couple of buildings, but the people inside them.

“Everyone ended up okay, thanks to me, but it was pretty nasty. More than a couple of them lost their lunches and these were men who dealt with Darkspawn frequently.”

\---

“There's a difference between seeing injuries in battle and seeing them after a rockslide.” Varric looked pleased to have gotten a story out of him, even if it wasn't a recent one. He took a long drink and set his mug back on the table with a content sigh. “At least with us there haven’t been any injuries that were too nasty. Even with battle adrenaline, I’d probably lose my lunch.” Hawke got them into a lot of fights, blunt and abrasive as he was, but he was a strong fighter and competent leader, so they’d managed to get out of each scuffle with minor injuries.

\---

“Yeah, you guys would probably do fine without me.” He wasn’t as interested in leaving as he had been, though. Nothing had happened with Hawke since last time, but when he’d tagged along on their last job, the rogue had flashed him a few smiles and winks. Enough to make his heart flutter, though he was still telling himself that nothing would come of it. It didn’t make it any less tempting to go see him, but he wasn’t sure how welcome his presence would actually be. Especially knowing that he didn’t live alone.

\---

“Maybe, but maybe not. We’re happy to have you, Blondie.” He toyed with his mug a little, planning his next words before he looked up to meet Anders’ gaze across the table. “I think our brave leader Hawke is especially happy to have you. He’s usually all business when we’re out working, but not when he looks at you…” He smirked ever so slightly, but kept his expression neutral while he studied Anders’ face.

\---

In spite of himself, Anders smiled and a little warmth entered his cheeks. “Oh, I don’t know about that.” He didn’t really feel guilty or bad about the way Hawke was making him feel, even after what had happened with Karl. As much as he’d cared for Karl, their relationship had been long over by the time he’d gotten his letter about the trouble he was in. It still hurt that he hadn’t been able to help him, that he’d suffered the fate all mages feared and that death had been the only comfort he could bring him, but it didn’t prevent him from having feelings for someone else.

\---

“I don’t know either, but I’ve got a good feeling about it. I’ve never seen Hawke look at someone like that.” That wasn’t precisely true. He’d seen the rogue flash those sort of looks while they were drinking if someone caught his eye. But never when they were out on missions. He’d thought he’d seen the same in Anders and the look he saw on the mage’s face when he brought it up answered any questions he had. “And I noticed you flashing him a couple smiles in return.”

\---

He shrugged. “He’s a bit of a catch, isn’t he? Not a lot of men walking around like him.” He had no issue admitting that he fancied the man, but he wouldn’t admit to anything more than that.

\---

“He’s a rarity, that’s for certain.” Hawke had a great deal of potential. Varric knew the man was going to go far and he intended on doing all that he could to help him get there. He didn’t see eye to eye with him all of the time, considering that Hawke had no time for smooth talk and would prefer to just take all that he wanted by intimidation or force. But he was still a man that got things done and got a good amount of coin for doing it, so Varric couldn’t help but respect him. “He’s a little rough sometimes, but maybe if he spends more time with a man like you, those edges will soften a little.” He was very different from the kind mage, but sometimes couples like that worked well.

\---

“He’s sweeter than you think.” He didn’t offer any further input on this, not wanting to talk about the night he’d stopped by the clinic, but it had surprised him. He knew he was still had a point - Hawke was a little rough, but he’d seen first hand that wasn’t all that he was.

“You wanted to play a game?” he suggested, moving past the topic and gesturing to what he had on the table.

\---

“Is he?” That sounded like some juicy gossip. He grabbed the cards on the table and began to shuffle them, taking his time with it though his hands were fast and extremely practiced. “He hasn’t been all that sweet while we’ve been out and about, so I’m guessing he’s paid you a visit at your clinic.”

\---

The mage raised his brows a little, but kept his mouth shut. The lack of answer was an answer and he knew it, so he occupied himself with taking another drink.

\---

The dwarf chuckled, his silence telling him a great deal. “I’m guessing it wasn’t just a quick visit then.” If it was, Anders probably would have been quick to say so. He dealt out the cards, a smirk on his lips. “If it becomes something, I’m happy for you both, Blondie.”

\---

“You’ll be less happy for me when I kick your ass,” he replied, plucking up the cards and fanning them out in front of him. “Let’s go, Varric, no more stalling.” He didn’t doubt the dwarf would beat him, if the last time they’d played cards was any indication. He wasn’t so bad himself, however, and he’d love to put him in his place.

\---

“Oh, so you’re going to give me a challenge this time?” Varric grinned at that and grabbed some coin from the pouch on his hip, dropping it onto the table. “Put your money where your mouth is if you’re feeling so confident today.” He grabbed his ale and sipped from it, content to let the subject drop in favor of the game. He’d learned all that he needed to about the looks the men had flashed each other the day before.


	4. Chapter 4

Hawke had wondered if Anders was going to stop by his place, especially after the looks they’d exchanged when they were together in a group. But he wasn’t all that surprised when the mage didn’t turn up. He was working for him, after all, and Hawke didn’t live alone. Perhaps it would be easier to just visit the clinic himself.

The rogue let several days go by before he decided to turn up at the clinic in the evening again, having been busy with other matters anyway. But the sex had been good enough that the healer hadn’t left his thoughts for long at any point. He knocked at the door, firm and demanding as always, though this time he had come empty handed.

\---

As with before, Anders was alone. He’d just finished cleaning himself up and his hair was hanging in damp locks around his face. He recognized the knock and his heart picked up in anticipation as he made his way to the door, unlocking it and greeting the figure on the other side.

“Hawke,” he addressed him, like before, but this time he gave him a smile along with his name.

\---

“Anders.” He returned the greeting and even the smile. He didn’t wait for an invitation this time, stepping past him and into the clinic. “I must have caught you at a good time. Any earlier and you might have been in the bath when I dropped by.” As he said this, he slipped his fingers into the man’s damp hair, toying with the loose locks.

\---

“Unlikely, I don’t have a tub in here.” He might’ve still been washing himself, though. He let the door swing shut and when the hands slid into his hair, he moved closer to him. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to stop by.” He had though, so he felt comfortable telling him as much.

\---

“I was waiting to see if you’d come to see me.” When the mage moved in closer, he drew in arm around him, tugging him in until  they were pressed flush. “Were you hoping I’d stop by again?”

\---

He was pleased to hear it. He hadn’t gone to him for what he thought were good reasons and since Hawke had come anyway, he didn’t regret it. Better to wait and see than to ruin this before it even began.  “Maybe.” He set his hands on his chest, meeting his gaze. “What if I was?”

\---

“Then you’re in luck. I’m here and you’re stuck with me until I’m ready to go.” He leaned in and kissed him hard, hungry to taste him again. Even without the wine, he tasted as good as he remembered.

\---

Anders had no problem with that and as soon as the lips were on his, he was kissing him just as hard, sliding his hands up and around his neck, encircling him and pressing his weight into him.

\---

He loved just how receptive he was to his kiss and he tightened his arms around him, taking his weight and using it to lift him from the ground. He carried him to the nearest exam table without breaking the kiss, setting him on it and nipping hard at his lower lip. “I’ve been thinking about you.” He murmured against his lips, starting to perk the longer their bodies stayed pressed together.

\---

He loved being picked up and as soon as he was set down, he wrapping his legs around his hips and hooked his ankles to lock him in. “Yeah? What have you been thinking?” he murmured back, his tongue swiping against his lip.

\---

“About how good it was to stay with you. You more than made up for your uncomfortable bed.” He slid a hand down Anders’ back, finding his ass and giving it a hard squeeze. He wanted to have him again. He wanted to have his tongue again.

\---

He’d missed his mouth? He’d be happy to give him more where that came from. “Maybe you can fuck my brains out tonight and we won’t have to move to the bed at all.” He grinned, rocking a little in response to the squeeze.

\---

“I intend to.” He rocked his hips into him in return, growing harder with the added friction. “I thought I’d start right here on this table. It seems as good of a place as any to fuck your brains out.” He wanted to fuck him hard, to see him writhing and breathless beneath him. He hadn’t known if he’d have to work him up to having sex again, but he was delighted to see that Anders was ready and eager for him, wanting exactly the same thing he wanted.

\---

“Then do it,” he challenged him, his fingers eager to move on and working at undressing him with tugs and pulls. He broke the kiss to find his neck, ducking beneath that thick beard of his to get to where the skin was smooth and soft. Softer than the rest of him, anyway. He began lavishing him in greedy kisses, wanting to touch every bit of that tender spot with his lips.

\---

He tipped his chin up, happy to let him have his way with the soft skin of his neck. He moved a hand to his belt before Anders could tug it off, pulling a bottle of oil from a pouch he’d been carrying. He’d come prepared this time. Then his hands got to work on the mage’s robes, tugging at the to pull them off and out of his way.

\---

It took a lot of shifting this way and that to completely bare them both, but when they were, the mage eased back, going slowly and engaging the his core muscles to make the transition from sitting to lying smooth. His cock was perked and his pale, freckled skin was clean, ready to be defiled by the rogue.

He pulled his legs up and set them flat on the edge of the table, opening himself up to him.

\---

He took a moment to simply enjoy the view before opening the oil and pouring some into his hand. Rather than put it on himself, he smeared some of it onto Ander’s cock, then slid his hand lower, massaging oil into his balls and then around his entrance. “You’re beautiful.” He murmured this in the same blunt way he made most observations, his eyes taking him in as he worked him with the oil.

\---

He smiled, the compliment warming him and making him heat all the more. “So are you.” He was so very masculine and so very attractive, his own eyes fell to take him in as he was touched, wanting that hard body pressing into his and pounding him back into the table.

\---

He could see how ready Anders was for him and once he was good and slick, he didn’t keep him waiting. He oiled his own cock and positioned himself, deciding that standing as he was beside the table, he was at a good height to get into him nice and deep. He held onto his hips and pushed inside of him, groaning under his breath when he was all the way in. He looked down at him hungrily, his eyes sweeping lower to enjoy the sight of his cock fully buried in the healer.

\---

He went right in with sighing his name, his hand slipping down to take hold of his own cock, squeezing it as he looked up at him with heated eyes. “Do I feel good?” he asked, tightening his muscles around him briefly, biting his bottom lip as he did so.

\---

“So good.” He really did and the squeeze from his muscles made him press his hips even harder against him. “Let me show you how much I like it.” He pulled his hips back and began to fuck him, hard and very deep thanks to the positioning. He didn’t go particularly fast, wanting to savor him this time, but it was so hard they’d likely both be sore.

\---

He’d wanted him to lean over him, but it didn’t take but a few thrusts for him to decide that this was just as good. Better, even. He groaned and began stroking himself, his eyes feasting on the man fucking him - watching his muscles flex and relax with every hard thrust. “So good,” he agreed, giving himself a little bit of his own magic as he touched himself.

\---

He watched the way he touched himself, his own hands tightening on his hips. He was glad to have his hands free to stabilize Anders, as hard as he was taking him. “It’s a shame I’m not a more patient man. I don’t think I can hold out on waiting to fuck your brains out much longer.” This felt incredible, but he really wanted to let loose and take him fast.

\---

“We can do that all night, Hawke,” he purred, his voice higher than usual. He wanted him to fuck him again and again and, if Hawke was up for it, he wanted to fuck him as well. “I don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.”

\---

“I do, but not early. We can make a night of this…” It sounded like an incredible way to spend the night. He could always catch up on sleep later. With the assurance that they’d be doing this again, he let himself build up the pace, steadily thrusting faster until he was giving him a proper pounding.

\---

The mage’s back arched on the table, writhing beneath him whenever he struck him  just right. He moaned, toes curling and hand stroking himself eagerly, so into it. He had no issue letting himself go and letting his body do what it needed to in order to accept the treatment it was getting.

\---

It felt so much better to let him have it like this, to see him writhing and helpless in this position to do anything but take the rough thrusts. His eyes were fixed on his cock again, watching him stroke it, and he wet his lips. “You’re so thick. If we’re making a night of this, you’ll have to fill me up with that.” He preferred to top, but he’d been shown how good it could feel to be pounded and Anders looked well equipped to pleasure him that way.

\---

He gave a low chuckle at that, though it faded into another moan. “I can do that.” He sounded cocky - he knew how big his cock was and he knew how much his lovers enjoyed it. Most of them did, anyway. “I can show you how tight your ass actually is.” He would love to fuck him and his searing gaze said as much.

\---

“Then show me tonight.” It had been awhile since he’d been fucked and he didn’t doubt he’d be tight, but he knew he could handle it. He fucked him harder, building the pace to something wild that felt incredible, but certainly wouldn’t last. He loved the look in his eyes, but he wanted to fuck him so fiercely that he wouldn’t be able to say anything but his name until he was finished with him.

\---

He cried out, a thrust in particular nailing him where he needed it. He began stroking himself desperately, writhing and panting when he couldn’t bring himself to make any further sounds. When he did manage something, breathless and strained, it was the rogue’s name and it was a beg.

What came next was another cry, though it was almost closer keening as he came, spilling all over his stomach and even a little on his chest.

\---

That was exactly what he wanted to hear from him. He kept up the wild pace, groaning with his breaths and living for the sounds that came from Anders. When he came, his thrusts grew erratic and it only took a minute more for him to finish, filling the mage with his load with a few final, hard thrusts. He panted to catch his breath, releasing his hold on his hips to wipe the sweat that had beaded on his brow. He pulled out of him and smirked to see his release leaking from the mage. He’d have been satisfied if this was all there would be tonight, but this was only the first time he’d have him before dawn.

\---

He watched him pull away and let his legs slip over the edge of the table to dangle. “...You’re pretty good at that.” He was clearly experienced in fucking and he was grateful for it - he’d have been disappointed if he were a bad lay. If he were, he would’ve taken it upon himself to improve him, but since he was already good at pounding him, he wanted to enjoy it as much as possible.

\---

“One of my many talents.” He smirked at the complement and and leaned over the table to press a kiss to his lips. “I wouldn’t have come back and taken you to the first flat surface I saw if you were bad in bed.” Not that Anders had been given an opportunity to perform from this position, but he’d already shown that he knew what he was doing on their last night together.

\---

The kiss made him smile and he slid his arms around him so he would be forced to stay over him. “When you’re locked in a tower with a bunch of other hormonal youths, you find ways to pass the time… or trade favors.” He’d had plenty of sex in his life and he’d had it for all kinds of reasons.

“When I escaped the Circle for good, the first place I went was to a whore house.” He chuckled, finding the memory amusing. “Worked there for a bit, earned some coin, then continued on. It’s where I met Isabela.” Seeing the pirate again had been a welcome surprise and he found it to be quite the coincidence that she too had just recently joined up with Hawke.

\---

His eyes widened at that and he chuckled with him. He could tell Anders was experienced, but he wouldn’t have guessed he’d worked as a whore. The mention of Isabela made his brows rise higher. “You met Isabela in a whore house?”

\---

“Yep. That was back when she still had a ship. She paid me the first time, but after that it was free.” He’d enjoyed going to bed with her and they’d done it a few times before she’d taken off. He really didn’t mind talking about this with him because they’d gotten so sexual. Not just that, but Hawke had been so sweet to him. “That was a few years ago.”

\---

“You gave it to her for free after the first time? She must be as good of a lay as she says.” He swept his hand into Anders’ hair, coiling the locks around his fingers. “Have you been fucking her since you’ve been reunited?”

\---

She was, but he shook his head in answer to his question. “No… I’d rather fuck you.” If this hadn’t happened, he might’ve considered it, but since it had, he didn’t really care to fuck anyone else. He met his gaze intently, something earnest in his own.

\---

He smirked and closed the distance to kiss him again. “Then you’re in luck. I’m yours for the night.” He’d considered fucking the pirate himself. But she wasn’t the relationship type so he knew that offer would remain on the table. He didn’t doubt that she’d made a pass at Anders, handsome as he was and especially because they’d fucked before, but he was pleased that the mage hadn’t had her again.

\---

“Just tonight?” he murmured, hoping to hear an answer that he wanted, but also wanting to know what the rogue wanted from this. If he just wanted to fuck a few more times, that was fine, but if he wanted to continue on with this indefinitely, he wasn’t sure he could go along.

He liked him and he wanted more.

\---

“We haven’t made any plans, so tonight was all I was certain of.” The question made him smile and he met his gaze curiously. “Do you want me to be yours for more than just tonight, Anders?”

\---

His reaction was more than he’d hoped for and he flushed. “...I know we just met.” They barely knew each other. Hell, they’d barely talked. What he’d told him tonight was far more than everything he’d learned about him since he’d barged into his clinic demanding maps. “I’m enjoying this, though, and I find you incredibly impressive. I want to get to know you better and spend time with you… and I want to keep doing this.”

\---

He liked the color in his cheeks and he liked what he was saying even more. ‘Impressive’ was nice to hear, especially since Anders hadn’t known him all that long. “That’s all good to know, but you didn’t answer my question. Do you want me to be yours?”

\---

This was moving quickly, far more quickly than he was use to. Hell, he’d never had a real relationship. Even what he’d had with Karl had been casual, though he knew it was by far the closest he’d ever come. He didn’t know this man well, but he liked him and he wanted him.

Without putting much more thought into it, he nodded.

\---

“Then I can answer your question. No, I’m not yours for only tonight.” Who knew what would become of it. But he wasn’t one to pussyfoot around with these sorts of things. They liked to fuck, they wanted to keep doing so, and they’d liked spending the night together. It would be good to have someone as beautiful as the healer on his arm and if more came of it, all the better.

\---

He smiled, but was bashful about it. He leaned up to connect their lips once more, doing so deeply and sighing into it as soon as their lips met. This man was his. For the time being, that was. It might not last and really, he didn’t expect it to, the way things were, but he would enjoy it for a long as he could.

“Why don’t you tell me more about yourself?” He broke the kiss to speak, wanting to know more about him if this was really happening.

\---

He enjoyed the kiss while it lasted and when the suggestion was made, he chuckled under his breath. “I like it better when Varric tells my life story. It’s a lot more thrilling and I’m much more of a dashing hero in it. Best of all, about three fourths of it is actually true.” The dwarf had a way of embellishing things. He kissed his lips again, intoxicated with him and feeling his body starting to heat up for another round.

\---

That brought a bubbling laugh to his lips. “You’ve already got Varric telling your life story?” He hadn’t been regaled himself, but perhaps he would ask the next time they spent time together. He was curious what could be so interesting about him, but he remembered the dwarf had said about him being a ‘rarity’, so obviously he saw something there too. “Is that why you have to spread your influence all over the world? To give Varric more to tell?” he murmured against his lips, kissing him intently.

\---

“That’s exactly right. He can only tell the story of my part in the victory at Ostagar and my family’s escape after the massacre at Lothering so many times. I think my mother appreciates that there’s rarely a dry eye in the house when Varric tells the part about my little brother’s death on the road. And of all the parts of the story he likes to stretch the truth about, the part about the dragon is actually true.” He pressed more kisses to his lips between phrases. “Those stories will get old, he needs me to give him new ones. Some adventures in the Deep Roads.”

\---

He hadn’t known about his brother’s death and he felt a rush of empathy for him, but he was enthralled by all he had to say. He wanted to hear those stories from him one day, not just Varric. “I know you won’t listen to me, but I don’t think you should go to the Deep Roads. There’s nothing good down there. It’s dark and damp and filled with all kinds of monsters - trust me, it’s vile.”

\---

“I have no doubt it’s vile. But if Varric and his brother say there’s treasure, then it’s worth going. It’ll give me what I need to take care of my family properly and it’ll give me the influence I need to get more serious work in Kirkwall. I’m not going to ask you to go, I know you’ve had enough of that place. I won’t let my sister go either - if my mother knows her two surviving children are both going off to fight more darkspawn, we’ll worry her into an early grave.” He knew Anders didn’t like the idea, but he wasn’t going to pull him into it. He’d needed the maps from him and that would suffice.

\---

The corner of his lips tugged down a little. He didn’t want him to go and he _really_ didn’t want to go himself, but no one knew the Deep Roads better than he did. No one that he’d convince to go with him, anyway. He didn’t want to consider it any more right now, so rather than respond, he pushed himself further into the kiss, silencing them both. They had all night to talk and perhaps the next conversation would be about something a little more lighthearted.


	5. Chapter 5

In the weeks that passed a lot had changed. A lot more than he’d expected after meeting Hawke - after declaring that he was Anders’, Hawke had been open about their relationship. He dragged him out of the clinic frequently, though Anders never really had to be dragged to go anywhere with him, and he seemed to flaunt their status when they were together. Any time they had a moment, he was clutching his hand, or holding him close, or even kissing him.

Anders, for his part, was thrilled and followed the rogue around like a lost pup. He was proud to be on his arm or in his lap and he didn’t shy away from his affections. He’d never felt like this in his life and with everything so new and exciting, all he wanted to do was be with Hawke.

It seemed the feeling was returned because even when they didn’t have excuses to be together, Hawke often dropped in to see him in the clinic and they spent nearly every night together. They’d fuck, curl up together on his cot, and then fuck in the morning, and part ways - unless of course they had something planned.

On this particular night, however, Hawke had invited him to come stay at his place instead. His reasoning being that the cot was not at all comfortable for them, and it wasn’t, and that it would be better for them to sleep in his bed. The downside, of course, was that his entire family lived with him there, offering them minimal privacy, and for that reason alone the mage was nervous about going.

He’d met Bethany a couple of times, but he’d never met Hawke’s mother or uncle. When he arrived and knocked on the door, his nerves mounted. He knew that it wasn’t really a big deal, but with his growing feelings for the man he was with, he was anxious about making a good impression. He didn’t know how much stock the rogue put into his mother’s opinion, but he didn’t want the woman deciding she didn’t approve and trying to sow discord.

\---

Hawke answered quickly, expecting him, and while Bethany and his mother were out together that evening, his uncle was home. He took Anders by the hand when he answered, pleased that his uncle didn’t so much as come around to see who was at the door before he could lead the mage to his room. Once they were inside, he closed the door and then greeted him properly, kissing him and giving him a smile. “You really do need to meet my mother one of these nights. But my uncle...we can live without that introduction.”

\---

He was surprised when he was pulled right through into what he assumed was his bedroom. He looked behind him just as the door closed and then turned his attention to the rogue. “Your mother isn’t here?” He couldn’t help but feel relieved, though he felt a little guilty for it.

\---

“No. I knew you were coming so I tried to get everyone out of the house so we can have some privacy. I almost succeeded.” He kissed him again, then tugged him over to the bed so they could sit down and get comfortable. Once he got into the Deep Roads, it wouldn’t be an issue anymore, but he knew Anders didn’t like to discuss that.

\---

He smiled. “You didn’t have to do that.” He gave his shoulder a playful push, but he was clearly pleased. “I’ve never seen your room before.” He looked around from his spot on the bed, finding it rather plain and worn down, as one might expect from a place in this part of town, but it was miles ahead of his nook in the clinic.

“I like it,” he complimented him, wrapping his arm around the other’s.

\---

“It’s nothing special. Not what we were expecting when we came to Kirkwall. But it’ll do until I have the coin for something better.” He returned his hold, finding the place a bit dismal himself. “But the bed isn’t bad. It’ll make for a better night of sleep than you’ve probably had in a long time.”

\---

“Probably, but I always sleep well with you.” He leaned in to give him a kiss of his own, his hand stroking up and down his forearm slowly. “I’ve been saving up. Maybe I can get a real bed in the clinic… unless you just want me to start staying here with you.” He knew they probably couldn’t do that with his family staying here as they were, but it was a nice thought.

\---

“You shouldn't have to sleep where you work. You can come stay here with me, but this house gets crowded a lot of the time.” He leaned into him, enjoying the soft touch. “We’ll both keep saving. We'll get a place of our own.” Though realistically, that was a long ways off.

\---

“You want to get a place with me?” He sounded surprised, knowing that Hawke had talked about finding a place for his family a lot, but he’d never really made any indication of them living together. Of course, as much time as they spent together, they were practically already living together, but he knew that _actually_ living together would be different.

\---

“Of course I do. It would be a lot easier than coordinating who is visiting who all the time.” They already spent most days and nights together anyway. He'd like to know where the mage was at night and if they lived together, they'd have no nights apart unless a mission called for it.

\---

He met his gaze, thinking about it, then nodded. Getting a place with Hawke would be making this more official, more permanent, and even though they were still establishing things between themselves, maybe this was the next step. A bit soon, but what was soon to the way they were feeling about each other?

“You know staying here is dangerous for me… It’s dangerous for all mages… If I’m going to live with Kirkwall, I’ve been wanting to do something about that and actually, I was hoping to talk to you about that tonight.”

\---

“It won't be dangerous while you're close to me. Varric has strings he is pulling as well to ensure your protection. You have nothing to worry about.” Hawke kissed him hard then flopped back on his bed to relax, seeming to feel he’d resolved the matter.

\---

That drew his attention and he looked down at him curiously. “Varric? What’s he doing?” He didn’t know about that and he was confused by his supposed intervention. He knew that Hawke was confident and cocky, he liked that about him, but he wasn’t sure he was taking the danger he was in seriously. As much as Hawke liked to think he could protect him, the templars were a very real danger to him and if he wasn’t careful, he could end up much like Karl had.

\---

“It's probably better that you don't know all the details. But he's got friends in high places making sure no one is going to be causing you any trouble. You're safe. And the more influence I gain, the safer you'll be.” He tugged on the mage's arm, making him lay back with him.

\---

He didn’t know what to say to that, unsure of how he felt about it. He appreciated it, but he didn’t know why the dwarf would bother and how much he was putting him out. He followed the pull, lying beside him and finding the bed to be not only more comfortable, but a lot more roomy than the cot.

“Well, we could make it safer too. Kirkwall has the worst Circle in Thedas, Hawke. I’ve gotten some contacts since I’ve been here, and the more I learn, the more I feel like I have to do something. No one else is.” That wasn’t entirely true. He knew of a handful of mages that were doing what they could to help their kin, but they were the only ones. After Karl, he felt this nagging pull to do the same.

Before joining the Wardens, he wouldn’t have cared. Everyone only cared about themselves and their own, so helping someone he didn’t know at the risk of his own freedom? No way. He’d changed, though, and he knew exactly who to thank for that. Though he still cared about his own skin above all, except for perhaps Hawke, he didn’t feel like he could just allow all of these… injustices to continue and pretend that everything was okay.

“I was hoping you could help me. There’s a couple mages that need help getting out of Kirkwall, I thought it was something we could do together.”

\---

“I'm going to make Kirkwall safer for everyone, Anders. And I highly doubt it's the worst Circle there is. My own father was in it.” He stretched, only sounding mildly interested. “We can get those mages out easily. Do they have much coin? Or are they important figures in the region?”

\---

He frowned. “Your father?” He’d known that his father was a mage, hence Bethany, but Hawke had a way of brushing topics he didn’t want to discuss aside and they hadn’t talked about the man. He was briefly at a loss. “It _is_ the worst Circle, you saw what they did to Karl. They did that to him just to get to _me_.” Which was proving his point not only about how bad it was, but about how much danger he was in.

“He’d passed his Harrowing, Hawke. They can’t _do_ that, but they did!” The subject was obviously upsetting to him.

He looked at a loss as he asked about their coin and status. “No, they don’t have any coin and they’re just a couple of young mages. Mage’s that need our help.”

\---

“That crime doesn't speak for the integrity of the entire Circle. My father was allowed to sneak out for visits with my mother and when he knocked her up with me, a templar helped him escape. My little brother was _named_ after that templar. His privilege in that Circle ruined my mother's life.” He sighed and shook his head. “I can’t fix Kirkwall doing charity work, Anders. If they come up with some way to pay, I'll take care of it.”

\---

“...Hawke, maybe that was true then, but things have changed.” He didn’t know what the Circle use to be like, all he knew was what he was learning now. He knew that he didn’t have a full scope of the situation, but what he’d been told had seemed dire enough. “They’re kids. They need our help.” They weren’t actually kids, but they were young. Young enough that they had a chance of living a full life outside the Circle, if they were careful.

“You’ll help me, won’t you?” If Hawke wasn’t going to help him, he’d do it himself, but he couldn’t quite believe that the rogue would refuse him.

\---

“Maybe so. But with all of the blood mages running around, I doubt it. I bet you can guess how long it took for my father to become one after he escaped the Circle.” He sighed again. He supposed if they were children, he had no choice but to aid them. It would probably benefit him in the end in some way. “For you, yes. I'll help.”

\---

He was being ignorant and he supposed that he couldn’t blame him, a lot of people were ignorant about mages. It was part of the reason why mages were treated as they were. “I’m not a blood mage, nor is your sister,” he pointed out, which he thought was particularly impressive, since she’d never been taught to resist demons. “Blood magic isn’t the default, no matter what the Chantry would lead to you believe.”

\---

“Everyone has a price. I'm sure if the right threat was made, you would be a blood mage. My sister would too.” He looked at him with a deep frown. “Our father probably never thought he would either. The Wardens forced him into blood magic at the threat of killing my mother while she was pregnant with me. None of that would have happened if he would have stayed in the Circle where he was kept safe.”

\---

That hurt to hear, knowing that was what Hawke thought of him, but more disturbing was what he had to say as he went on. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, lifting a hand to touch his cheek. He shook his head, going on, “Please, that wasn’t your father’s fault. He was forced… but situations like that wouldn’t happen near as often if the mages were treated like people. If they were allowed to live their lives like anyone else, they wouldn’t be backed into corners and forced to act out of fear. I know that doesn’t excuse it, but Hawke, we’re treated like _animals_.”

He stroked his cheek with his thumb. “You’ll see. You can trust me, that’ll never happen with me, I promise.”

\---

He leaned into his touch, his brow furrowed. It was clear how much the subject upset him and he found himself tugging Anders closer to nestle against him. “No more talk of all that tonight. I just want to enjoy my time with you.”

\---

“Of course.” If Hawke didn’t want to talk about it, he would drop it. It was a heavy subject for both of them and they could talk about it some other time. “How about we give your bed a thorough testing?” he suggested, knowing that the best way to get his mind off of his worries would be to satisfy him.

\---

At that, Hawke's expression relaxed a little. He nodded, then leaned in to kiss him. “Let's put this bed through its paces. It's never been properly broken in.”


	6. Chapter 6

The mages were safe and that was what was important, but he couldn’t help but fume as they made their way back to the clinic. He’d been silent for the walk, but everything from the stomp of his feet and the curl of his fists spoke of the emotion he was holding back. Their task had been a success, but whatever happiness he’d felt from helping them had been sucked away by their new recruit.

When they stepped inside the clinic, the mage took of his staff and set it aside. He tried to take a deep breath, but it didn’t have the desired effect and he found himself whirling. “Hawke, never again. I’m never going out with that… that elf ever again! He’s an asshole! You heard what he said to them, what he said to _me_.”

Hawke had refused to take sides while they were out, but he assumed that was simply because they were in the middle of something and it didn’t help anyone to have their party fracture in the face of such risk. Risk gone, Anders wanted to talk about it and make sure that he never had to deal with that horrible elf ever again.

\---

Hawke could tell that Anders was pissed on the walk back and knew he was going to get an earful at some point. When that point turned out to be the moment they got back, he sighed in exasperation. His hand moved to his lower back, as it had done off and on since their second battle of the day. “Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's also a great warrior. I needed both of you today and you work great together when you're not sniping at each other. I brought him on to cut down our enemies, not to be your friend.”

\---

Apart from meeting the elf and helping him with _his_ problem, which he’d done without complaint, thank you very much, this was their first time working together on behalf of Hawke. “No. I won’t do it. I can’t work with someone who is going to disparage what I am every chance they get. I don’t trust him. He hates mages, so who’s to say he won’t betray us the next time we try to help them?” He shook his head. “He has to go, Hawke.”

\---

“He doesn't work for you, you don't have to trust him. He helped us with your mages, whether he liked it or not, because that's what I paid him to do. If I didn't have both of you there today, I would have left with far worse than a pulled muscle in my back today." He moved to take a seat on Anders’ exam table, wincing as he did so. “Would that have been your preference, Anders? Or was it better to listen to him being an ass while he fought the front line so I didn't have to?”

\---

“We could have waited for Aveline. I’m sure she would have kept her comments to herself, if she had any,” he retorted, folding his arms, but watching him with concern. He moved closer to him, looking him over to make sure there was nothing else wrong with him. When he got close enough, he couldn’t resist touching him, arms falling to place a hand on his back lightly. “We can always find someone else, we don’t need him.” He began to use his magic to ease the strained muscle, rubbing through the leather of his armor.

“There are plenty of strapping warriors that don’t want to see me in chains.” He pressed a kiss to his temple, trying to coax him with affection and attention.

\---

Hawke seemed to relax under her touch, the magic helping to ease the ache. He drew his arms around him in a loose embrace. “If you find me another warrior that can teleport around the battlefield and tear people's hearts out with their bare hands, I'll consider replacing him.” He pecked his lips. “I do need him. And while we're all working together, I need you to cooperate with him. If he ever lays a finger on you, I'll make him wish he was back in Tevinter. But so long as he doesn't, I need you to work together. Making Kirkwall better is more important than personal grievances.”

\---

He frowned, not satisfied with what he was hearing. He struggled for a moment, not wanting to piss him off and knowing that he was trying to be reasonable, but he was upset. A good warrior wasn’t worth it if he was going to create friction between all of them. “Fine,” he agreed, but he pulled away from him, his arms folding once more. He wouldn’t fight him any more on it, but if that was his decision, he wanted some space so he could come to terms with it.

\---

“Come here.” Hawke frowned when the mage turned his back. “That felt good, my back still hurts pretty bad. And we saved your mages, didn't we?”

\---

“...I’ll take care of your back, but I think we should spend the night apart.” He gestured at him to lay so he could work on him, but his arms went right back into their fold right after.

\---

“Not happening. I knew we were taking care of your mages today and I've got wine and strawberries chilling at my place. We're celebrating tonight.” He knew helping these people meant a lot to Anders so he'd gone out of his way to make it special. He tugged off the top half of his armor, then laid face down on the table and made himself comfortable.

\---

He was frustrated and he just stood there helplessly for a long moment. Without a word, he went to him and began to work on his back, working it with firm touches that were followed with healing. He did feel like he needed space tonight, but knowing that he’d gone out of his way to get something to celebrate their success made it hard to argue to with him.

After a while, he spoke up, softly. “I don’t think I’m up for celebrating tonight. Can we have them tomorrow?”

\---

“If the elf has really soured this for you so much, nevermind. I was just trying to do something nice because it was so important to you.” His back felt better and as much as he would have liked to keep enjoying the massage, he began to push himself to sit up so he could dress.

\---

The reaction made his stomach turn and he found himself backpedaling. “Hawke, wait, I’m sorry…” He slid his arms around him and clung to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” He did, actually, but with the poor reaction he’d gotten, which really wasn’t surprising, had changed his mind. He didn’t want to piss him off to the point that he wouldn’t want to spend time with him after he got the space he needed.

\---

He felt much better once his mage was back to clinging to him. He wrapped his arms around him, embracing him tightly and stroking his back. “Yes, you did.” He'd definitely meant it. “I'm going to go home. Why don't you take some time to yourself? You can come over later if you still want to.” Maybe it Anders had some time to sulk alone, they could still enjoy their night.

\---

He tightened his arms around him when he started, but he relaxed a little by the end. If he was still welcome to come over, then he wasn’t as angry at him as he thought. “...Alright.” He could take the space he needed and then still spend the night with him, to show his appreciation for everything he’d done for him.

\---

He pecked his lips then slid off of the table to get out his hold and turned to finish dressing himself. Maybe he'd stop somewhere and get something to eat and a mug of ale since he had this unexpected time on his hands. He was far from happy about it, but perhaps the night wouldn't be completely spoiled.

\---

He pulled back as he moved, watching him. “I’ll see you later,” he told him, his voice almost hopeful, wanting to know that he’d still be welcome. He’d gone from being upset with him, or the situation, to be more accurate, to being scared that he’d overreacted and messed up something.

\---

“Yeah, if you want to.” He could tell that Anders was concerned and it was a lot more comfortable for him than having the man angry with him. He gave him a bit of a smile. “I hope you will.”

\---

The reaction further eased him and he gave him a little smile in return. It was a little strained, but it was genuine, glad that he truly didn’t seem angry. “I will,” he assured him, leaning against the table that Hawke had been laying on.

\---

“See you later, then.” He turned to go with that. Anders would be in better humor when he came over and they could enjoy what he’d gotten for them as well as each other. He wouldn’t tolerate any more talk of Fenris, but he didn’t imagine he’d try to bring it up again any time soon. He’d made it clear where he stood on it and it would only sour the mood again if Anders tried to argue it any further.


	7. Chapter 7

It was only a couple of hours later that Anders arrived at his door, knocking lightly. He didn’t want to disturb anyone, but he did want the door to be answered, so he tried to be just loud enough to get Hawke’s attention. The man knew he was coming, so hopefully he was waiting nearby.

\---

It was Bethany who answered the door with Pickles right at her hip to inspect their visitor. The young mage wore a coy little smile - there was something charming about answering the door for her brother’s boyfriend. At least since it was a boyfriend of his she liked. “He’s in his room. Hurry, before our mom sees you and decides she needs to make another dinner.” Leandra had a way of fussing over Hawke’s friends when they stopped by, especially the more they talked about the Deep Roads, and she was all the more interested in Anders since the healer was clearly courting with her eldest. Pickles moved in and licked Anders’ hand, his tail wagging at the sight of the man he was growing more familiar with.

\---

It wasn’t Hawke, but of the options, he was glad it was her. His uncle was an asshole and his mother was keen on getting to know him. That wasn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but he just wanted to be with Hawke tonight. “Thanks,” he replied, giving her a warm smile and hurrying past the mabari to his room. He wiped his hand as he went, using it to tap on the door before quietly opening it and slipping inside.

\---

Hawke was sitting on his bed, tending to his blades. It was soothing work and when his door opened, he’d expected it to be his mother or sister. Seeing Anders there made him pause, his brows raising. “I didn’t think you’d be over so early. I figured you’d want to spend half the night away from me at least.”

\---

He was here a lot sooner than he would have been if he hadn’t gotten so worked up over whether or not he’d pissed off Hawke, but that didn’t really matter now. “I missed you.” He moved closer to him, sitting down on the edge of the bed near him, but giving him some space. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up earlier. I know it’s not your fault that he’s an asshole…” He still didn’t want him there and he wished that he’d send him away, but Hawke had his reasons for not doing so and making their relationship suffer for it wasn’t a solution.

\---

“I missed you too, but you wanted to spend the night away from me, so I doubted you missed me all that much.” He set the blades and whetstone aside, looking to Anders solemnly. “He’s an asshole, but you know I’d never let him hurt you, right?” If that much was understood, there would be no more need to argue it.

\---

What he had to say broke his heart, which in itself was odd. He hadn’t realized his feelings were strong enough for his heart to break at all, but obviously he was getting caught up in all of this. “I just needed a little space. It upset me that you didn’t care how it makes me feel for him to be there… but I know you’re doing what you think is best.” He moved closer still, sitting close enough that he could take his hand and hold it.

\---

“Did you get the space you need? Or are you leaving after we celebrate your success?” He looked down at their joined hands and gave Anders’ a little squeeze, then looked back up to meet his gaze.

\---

“Yes.” His voice was quiet. “I want to stay here with you.” He held his hand tightly, not wanting the connection to be broken for anything, unless it was even more contact.

\---

That was the answer he wanted and his lips quirked up a little. “Good. I guess I can stop missing you then.” He used the hold on his hand to tug him in closer, wrapping his arms around him.

\---

As soon as the arms wrapped around him, he sank into him, clutching at him in return. This felt better. Even though Hawke had taken all of this as well as he could’ve hoped - for a first argument, this had been pretty tame - he still hadn’t liked the friction between them. He would try to do as he wished, to tolerate the warrior and not start any more arguments about him.

“I’ll be here as long as you want me to,” he replied, entirely opposed to any distance for the time being.

\---

“Then you’d be stuck here with me forever if we didn’t have work to do tomorrow.” He pressed a kiss to the mage’s cheek. He hadn’t liked their spat either and it felt much better to hold him like this. “Let me hold you a little while, then I’ll go get the champagne and strawberries.”

\---

“Just tomorrow? That’s all the work you have planned for the rest of our lives?” he teased, pecking his cheek in return. “Might as well call off and just stay here forever.” He wanted to be held and he had no issue waiting for the treats - even if they didn’t get to them tonight, he wouldn’t care. All he wanted was Hawke’s arms and in them, he felt safe and protected.


	8. Chapter 8

A few weeks had gone by and everything seemed to be back to normal. Better than normal, really. After their spat, which it could hardly be called that at all, they’d become as close as ever, never spending a moment apart if they could avoid it. Anders went with him on nearly every job he was hired on, so the clinic had gone somewhat neglected as of late.

He still did what he could, of course, and he spent plenty of time there, but he had better things to be doing and he felt just as accomplished helping his lover earn his place in Kirkwall and as he did helping the sick. On this particular day, Hawke was in the middle of something that had taken him out of the city and though he’d been invited, Anders had been burdened with a sick woman who needed constant care and he couldn’t go.

It was actually pretty good timing that Hawke had somewhere to be over the next couple of days, because with the woman staying in the clinic around the clock, they wouldn’t have any alone time, anyway. When she was released that day, however, Hawke was still out and the mage found himself with nothing to do when night rolled around.

He wasn’t use to being alone anymore, so as soon as he remembered that Varric had stayed behind, he decided to stop in and pay him a visit. He didn’t know if the dwarf was busy, but he intended on finding out. He made his way to the Hanged Man and smiled when he saw the dwarf sitting among some patrons, seemingly telling a story.

Not wanting to interrupt, he moved nearby, within sight, but out of the way, listening in and waiting for him to finish.

\---

Varric was all for engaging the crowd and when he saw Anders had settled within sight, he flashed him a smirk. He was recounting Hawke’s escape from Lothering - a favorite amongst the patrons. He rarely told one of the more recent stories, preparing to save them for his book. He finished up the story with the appearance of the dragon, making sure to emphasize the handsome, rugged hero’s braveness in the face of the creature for Anders’ sake. There was more to that story, of course, but he never went much further than that. One more reason people would have to buy the book. He thanked the crowd and accepted the drinks he was offered, assuring everyone that the barkeeper would keep track of them all. The dwarf hopped out of his chair and made his way over to the healer, a warm smile on his lips. “Blondie! Rare to see you without Hawke on your arm these days.”

\---

He smiled as he listened, appreciating the story and especially appreciating the descriptions of Hawke. He missed him. It widened even more as the dwarf approached. “Is it just me or does that story become all the more fantastic each time you tell it?” He fiddled with a bit of loose thread at one of his pockets. “I had some free time and with Hawke off adventuring without us, I thought I’d stop by. If you’re not busy, that is.” If he had other things to do, he could find other ways to keep himself entertained.

\---

“It’s not just you. All of my stories get better every time I tell them.” He nodded his head toward the stairs. “I’m not busy at all. Let’s go up to my room and have a drink. We can have fun even if our brave leader is off fighting without us.”

\---

He couldn’t deny that it pleased him that he could steal Varric away from everyone down here just by asking. He knew he had a lot of demands on his attention, so it was nice that he’d make time for him when he dropped in like this. “Sounds good.” He started towards the room, waiting for the dwarf to let them in and as soon as he did, he went right to his spot. They’d only hung out together alone a couple of times, but he knew where to sit and make himself comfortable.

\---

“So, how have things been?” He asked as he closed the door behind them, locking it this time. He knew the mage was comfortable around him and that he’d found out at this point that if his door was unlocked, someone usually dropped by to bother him at some point. He went to grab mugs for them and grabbed a bottle of sweet mead he’d gotten lately. “You’ve looked happy lately.” He’d been watching the healer, he watched all of their friends closely, and he genuinely did seem happy.

\---

He hadn’t come here to talk about all of that, but he wasn’t surprised he was bringing it up. Varric was quite the gossip, no doubt how he got the material for all his stories. “I’ve been happy,” he confirmed. He looked it. There was something warm and light to him, something that had been growing along with his relationship with Hawke.

“What about you? How have you been?”

\---

“Me? I’m always just fine.” Not really, of course. No one was. But rarely did he need to concern any of his group with his issues. “There’s never a dull moment here in the Hanged Man. And when I want a dull moment, I lock myself up here and write.” He gave a little shrug, pouring a mug for each of them and setting one in front of Anders. “I think you’ll like this. It’s a very sweet, made with a lot of honey.”

\---

“Thank you.” He pulled the drink up to his lips and then sipped. It was very good and he hummed in approval. “You have the best drinks, Varric.” He’d really liked everything he’d tried with him so far. Not that the drinks he shared with Hawke were bad and he’d actually rather liked the champagne he’d picked up a few weeks ago, but he had to admit that this was better than even that.

“So, why didn’t Hawke take you with him? You always go with him.” Then again, so did he.

\---

“I’m a dwarf. I’d be shaming myself if I didn’t know how to drink properly.” He smirked and took his seat. Relaxed as he was, his eyes never left Anders. He was always searching for something in him, but the mage seemed so genuine, there rarely seemed anything hidden in him when they spoke. “He asked me, but I wasn’t available. I had business to take care of. I told him I could try to cancel, but he said he’d be fine with Aveline and Isabela.” He hadn’t asked about Fenris, but apparently the elf hadn’t gone along either.

\---

“Oh? Anything interesting?” As much as the dwarf liked to talk, he always seemed to prefer talking about other people, so he was curious what he’d been up to. If he didn’t _want_ to talk about it, that was fine, but it didn’t hurt to ask.

\---

“Afraid not. That’s why I was so willing to cancel. Business as usual.” He took a drink and gave a satisfied sigh. It really was a good mead. “It’ll probably be another couple days before your rogue comes home. What will you do to keep busy?”

\---

“There’s plenty to do in the clinic… and I might poke around the Gallows a bit.” He knew Varric was well-aware of what he was attempting to do for the mages. He’d gone on the mission that had sparked his argument with Hawke, after all. “One of my, ah, contacts has told me about an unusual amount of Tranquil roaming about. Seems just this last week a couple more have been added.” He shook his head to himself, not wanting to think about what that likely meant, though it didn’t necessarily mean anything.

They could have come from elsewhere. That was why he needed to go, though, to get an idea of what was going on.

\---

“If you want a little company, I’d be happy to go with you. I don’t think you should be going to the Gallows alone.” He frowned a little, not wanting to think of what might happen to him if he were caught. “I know you can hold your own, but I’d feel better as your friend if someone went with you.”

\---

“I’ll be alright. According to Hawke, between the two of you, I have nothing to worry about.” This was said lightly, clearly not meaning it. He knew there was danger in what he was doing, whatever Hawke might claim, but he’d been meaning to talk to him about this for a while now, he just hadn’t had the chance to bring it up.

“What is it, exactly, that you’re doing to help me?” There was nothing accusatory to the question, just curiosity.

\---

Anders wasn’t supposed to know anything about that. Being complacent would get the mage in trouble no matter who he paid off. “Of course we’ll both look after you. And since he’s not here, I think I should go with you.” He sipped his drink again, his face not betraying that he knew what Anders was asking. “I’ll be going with you to make sure Bianca has some words with anyone that gives you trouble. That’s what I’ll be doing to help you.”

\---

Anders looked amused and he waited quietly, meeting his gaze with unmasked skepticism. He wasn’t buying it and he thought his silence would procure answers faster than questions would. He lifted a hand to his cheek and leaned into it, waiting patiently.

\---

“Remind me not to tell your boyfriend anything, he’s got a big mouth.” He laughed, knowing he was caught. There was no weaseling out of it if Hawke had already told him too much. “I do business with some powerful people, okay? I can’t go dropping names. But they’re making sure no one gives you trouble for being a mage. Even the templars shouldn’t mess with you, especially if you’re with Hawke. But I can’t ensure your safety if you go poking your nose into the Gallows without him, that’s why I want to go with you.”

\---

“...You don’t have to do that.” Sure, they’d been working together over the past couple of months, but Varric barely knew him. He didn’t want him wasting his strings on him. “The templars don’t know where I am and if anyone messed with me in Darktown, they would get a horde of angry denizens on their heels.” No, that didn’t guarantee protection, but he’d made enough of a name for himself that he thought anyone unscrupulous would leave him alone.

“You can come with me if you want, but don’t worry about me, really. I’ll be fine.”

\---

“I don’t have to do anything, other than tolerate my brother, Blondie. I’m a man who does what he wants.” He took another drink, sitting back in his seat. “I know you’ll be fine, but I’ll go with you just the same.”

\---

“You know what I mean.” He traced a finger along the edge of the table. “If what you’re doing for me is costing you something… don’t.” He gave him a little smirk. “The last thing I need is to be in the debt of a dwarf with a razor sharp tongue and a mind to match. Who knows what you’ll be having me doing to repay you?” He already knew that Varric wouldn’t ask anything of him, the way he was, but he was sure the dwarf could come up with something creative if he wanted.

\---

“There’s no telling. If I ever decide you owe me a favor, we’ll find out.” He’d never ask Anders for anything in return. Not unless there was something he really wanted or needed from him. He chuckled and toyed with his mug. “So where are you headed after this? Back to the clinic?” He imagined the pair spent some nights at Hawke’s house, but he didn’t think Anders was comfortable enough with the man’s family to sleep in their house when his lover wasn’t home.

\---

He figured the change in subject was coming. For now, he’d leave it alone, but he knew he’d be coming back to this eventually. Maybe with Hawke. “Yep. It’s finally empty, thankfully, not that it makes it any more comfortable. I’m looking forward to getting out of there. I like the clinic, don’t get me wrong, it’s the only place I’ve ever really been able to call ‘mine’, but being there constantly is… not fun.”

“Not to mention, I’m really tired of sleeping in a cot. It’s hardly enough for one person, much less two.”

\---

“Then what are you and Hawke waiting for if you’re uncomfortable in the clinic? Get out of there already.” He’d considered suggesting the mage move into the tavern before, but had never brought it up. He simply hadn’t known him well enough to be comfortable with suggesting it. He gestured vaguely toward Isabela’s room with his mug. “There’s a room open on the other side of Rivaini’s room. You could move in here.”

\---

“Hawke’s waiting until he gets his share of whatever’s in the Deep Roads. He wants to move his whole family into Hightown… It’ll be awhile before that happens. We just have to put up with it and wait.” He glanced at the door and the wall that seperated his room from Isabela’s, hesitating. “It would be nice to have an actual room... I’ve been saving up coin, but isn’t this place expensive?” Relatively, anyway. As much coin as he tried to save, the clinic ended up being a big of a gold sink and he found himself having to spend a lot to keep it floating - the payments and donations he received simply weren’t enough.

“It’s fine. It’ll only be another year, tops.” Hopefully.

\---

“This place? Nah, it’s not expensive. It’s just a room.” It was expensive, actually. But he could see to it that it wasn’t for Anders. “Why not rent a room for that year? It’ll be a nice place to rest your head after working in the clinic all day and if you don’t love it, you could always give your key back and stay in your clinic again until Hawke and I take care of business in the Deep Roads.”

\---

For some reason, he felt like he should consult Hawke before making a decision like this, but it wasn’t as if he really had say in where he was staying. They didn’t live together yet, despite their desire to, so what did it matter where he stayed? If he got a room, it would benefit both of them. He’d have a place to go to at night and Hawke would have a place to join him at - no family to bother them. No family to fight with about him being there, resulting in them returning to staying the clinic and sharing that uncomfortable cot - he didn’t want to think about _that_ again.

“I suppose I could look into it.”

\---

“You might as well. It's at the end of the hall so you'll have peace and quiet when you want it. But you'll also have the whole tavern to play cards with when you're not in the mood for peace and quiet.” Varric liked the idea of having another friend nearby. Especially one like Anders.

\---

“Well then, point me in the direction of who to talk to before I leave?” He wasn’t committing to the idea, but he would consider it. It really would be nice to have somewhere to go when he wasn’t working. Sleeping in the clinic, while convient, was not ideal, and especially not when he was with Hawke and they were spending their nights together.

\---

“You'll get a better deal if I sweeten him up for you. I've been a model tenant here long enough to give you a good recommendation.” He hopped out of his chair, grabbing the bottle of mead and refilling Anders’ mug. “Just relax and have a drink. I'll go talk to him and see what he's asking for that room.”

\---

Anders wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but it wasn’t as if a recommendation was a big deal. He’d still talk to the man himself.  “Alright, I’ll be here.” Hopefully it wouldn’t take too long. He took a sip of the mead that was poured and then offered him a thanks for refilling it for him.

\---

Varric wasn't gone for very long, returning with a smile on his lips and a key in his hand. “Between Rivaini and my own charms, he was pleased to have another of our group wanting that room. He says you can bunk in that room for the rest of the week to try it out. If you like it, he's asking 4 gold for a deposit and 2 gold a month after that.” There was no free trial and that wasn't all that he was asking, but Anders didn't need to know that.

\---

His brows lifted. “He’s letting me try it out? Wow… No wonder you like this place.” He could do two gold a month. With what he’d been making with Hawke, he had enough. It would mean cutting into his savings, though. He wouldn’t be able to keep as much for himself while he stayed here. It made him nervous, knowing that coin was freedom, but it wasn’t as if it was a permanent thing.

He’d be moving in with Hawke eventually and by that point, who knew how much he’d be making?

“I guess I’ll see how I feel about it. If it’s worth it. Thanks, Varric.”

\---

“Not a problem. If nothing else, it'll give you a change of scenery for the rest of the week.” The dwarf settled into his chair again and slid the key across the table to Anders. “The washrooms are pretty nice too. You just have to use them when the pirate is out or she'll invite herself into your bath.”

\---

He chuckled. “If you don’t have a good reason not to, I’d say let her. She’s not bad.” He gave him a little smirk, pulling the key in and looking it over. He slipped it into his pocket and then returned to nursing his drink.

\---

The dwarf didn't look surprised - Isabela liked to kiss and tell, after all. “I won't say I haven't been tempted once in awhile. But she's my companion and I do my best not to mix business with pleasure.” He sipped his drink, looking wistful. If they ever planned to part ways, he'd probably give her a go. “She and her company can get a bit loud in the evening so I also suggest soundproofing the room a little. I don't bother, it makes for a nice ambiance when you're a bachelor.”

\---

“That’s probably for the best. I’ve never been good at that myself, but look where it got me.” He smiled at the thought of Hawke, the man that he probably shouldn’t have fucked that night he’d showed up to his clinic, but he had. He laughed. “I suppose I would be a hypocrite if I said it bothered me.” It might get annoying, though, he’d have to see how he felt about all the noises at night.

\---

“As long as you and Hawke aren't so loud that I hear you over Ravaini and her catch of the night, that's fine with me.” He raised his mug, a smile on his lips. “Let's drink to being neighbors, at least until the end of the week.”

\---

“To being neighbors,” he agreed, tapping his mug against the dwarf’s. He took a deep drink of it and though he wanted to and would spend more time with him, he was actually looking forward to checking out the room and laying his head down for the night. It would be nice to sleep in a real bed where he could stretch out completely.

\---

Varric  finished what was left of his drink and set the mug down. “You'll have to be careful. Living this close to me you might lose a lot more of your coin in Wicked Grace.”

\---

He chuckled. “If I’m spending my coin on this place, I don’t know that I’ll have much to spare for Wicked Grace.” He’d still try to play when he could, though, he did enjoy it. “Why don’t we play a couple of rounds now, while I have it?” He pulled out his coin purse and threw it on the table in front of him with a smile.


	9. Chapter 9

It was a couple nights later that Hawke returned to Kirkwall. He was thrilled to see Anders, having missed him deeply. He wanted to hold him through what was left of the night and steal kisses while his healer fussed over the scuffs and bruises he’d earned out on the road.

Finding the clinic locked wasn’t a big surprise - it was the dead of night and Anders didn’t know when to expect him. What surprised him was that pounding on the door didn’t seem to rouse him. Eventually he grew nervous and picked the lock, needing to get inside and see that his lover was simply deeply asleep. When he found both Anders and his staff missing from the clinic, his heart rose into his throat. Something had happened.

The only thing that calmed him even a little was that the clinic was locked. There was no sign of a break in. The only other place Anders ever slept was at his place and so Hawke headed home next. He couldn’t imagine the mage going to his house without him and dealing with his family, but it was better than the possibility that he’d been taken or forced to flee Kirkwall.

When he got home, he brushed past his excited mabari to go straight to his bedroom, hoping beyond hope that Anders was curled up in his sheets. Of course, his bed was empty and made just as he had left it. He threw down his travel pack and rushed back out of the house, racing for the Hanged Man. Isabela had just gotten home and was probably trying to settle into bed, but he needed her and he knew she would help him.

He rushed up the stairs of the tavern, pounding on Isabela’s door. The pirate had only slipped off her boots and put her blades away and she groaned as she made her way to the door, knowing that knock very well. “Can it wait until morning? A girl needs her beauty sleep.”

“No, it can’t wait. Anders is missing.” Hawke answered the moment she opened the door. He was pleased that she snapped right to attention, no longer looking weary in the slightest.

All the banging in the hallway had woken Varric and he poked his head out into the hallway, half dressed, and eyes heavy with sleep. “Oh good, you kids are back. I’m happy to see you, but I’ll be happier to see you in the daylight hours. Can you keep it down?”

“Get dressed and get your crossbow.” Hawke ordered sharply, wanting both of his fellow rogues to get moving so they could find his lover.

\---

The mage that Hawke was seeking was fast asleep in his room nearby, not expecting him for at least another night or so. He would’ve left a note on the door if he’d thought he’d be here tonight, but since he hadn’t, he was blissfully unaware of the panic he’d caused in him.

That was until the knock woke him. It wasn’t on his door, but it was loud enough to reverberate through his room. His eyes cracked open, a little delirious in the darkness and the lingering dregs of sleep, but he rubbed at them with the back of his hand. What was happening hadn’t really registered to him, as loud noises sometimes occurred around here, and so after deciding whoever or whatever it was didn’t concern him, he rolled to his other side and pulled in the spare pillow to cover his other ear.

\---

“I’ll get Bianca, but first tell me what’s going on.” Whatever it was, he might have intel on it and they could find some way to handle it without charging somewhere in the middle of the night, weapons drawn. Varric could see Hawke was frustrated that he didn’t get moving right away, but he wouldn’t go back into his room to get his gear together until he had an answer.

“Anders is missing. His staff is gone. There’s no note in the clinic.” Hawke’s voice was firm and impatient, but there was a note of distress in it. Isabela joined him in the hall, her boots back on and her blades in hand.

It took the dwarf a moment to process what he’d said, tired as he was, but he stepped out into the hallway, his hands raised to pacify Hawke. “Anders isn’t missing. He’s just been living here while you’ve been gone to see if he likes the place. He’s in that room on the other side of Rivaini.”

Hawke stared at him for a long moment as if he’d spoken another language. When he had a moment to take in what was said, he went to the next door, knocking frantically. Isabela was right on his heels, intrigued at the thought of the mage staying in their hall.

\---

This time he was more aware of the sound of the knocking and with that awareness came that it _was_ his door. It put him ill at ease, though it was far from the first time that he’d heard such knocking since coming to Kirkwall - it was just odd to be hearing it here. He quickly rose to his feet, pushing away his exhaustion as he answered the door, poised to blast whoever was on the other side if need be.

It didn’t prove necessary, however, when he saw Hawke standing there.

His expression lit up. “Hawke?! You’re back!” He threw himself against him, wrapping his arms around him and clinging to him. It was a surprise so pleasant that he didn’t stop to think about the circumstances.

\---

Hawke was immensely relieved to see him and wrapped him up tightly in his arms. “You’re safe. You took years off of my life when I went to the clinic and you were gone.”

“I want to be excited about being surrounded in this hallway by sexy men, but I’m too tired to be excited about anything. Glad you’re safe, Handsome.” Isabela was content enough to see that Anders was alive and well and started trudging back toward her room to finally get to bed.

Varric moved to them and gave Hawke a pat on the back. “See? Your mage is safe and sound.”

\---

When he realized what had happened, he held him even tighter. “Oh, Hawke, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you were coming back tonight, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He tried to pull back a little, wanting to meet his gaze. He was aware of Isabela and Varric, but nothing mattered to him but the rogue in his arms right now.

\---

“You did scare me, but I’m glad you’re safe.” He barely allowed Anders to pull back enough to look at him, keeping him held tightly. He pressed a kiss to his lips, still tense and worked up from finding him missing, but needing the intimacy with him. Varric could see that he was no longer needed and so he went back to his own room, eager to get back to bed and leave the lovebirds to it.

\---

Anders kissed him back, barely keeping his own neediness at bay. He could feel that he was still upset and he felt bad for having been so thoughtless about it. He should’ve considered that he might come back sooner than he expected. “Come inside - I think you’ll like it.” He murmured, keeping him close as he pulled him into the room and shut the door behind them with a kick of his leg.

\---

He was starting to feel just how tired he was now that his adrenaline was draining, but he still took a moment to look around the room and take it in. “Are you moving in?” He asked, not sure why else the mage had been sleeping here. He pulled Anders toward the bed, ready to sit down and pull off his boots and armor after so many days on the road.

\---

“I think so. It has its downsides, but it’s much better than the clinic and it’s much more private than your place. The bed is twice as big, too.” It was really comfortable and he’d slept well while he was gone, though he was looking forward to sleeping beside him here.

“I missed you.”

\---

“I missed you too.” He dropped heavily on the edge of the bed, starting to tug off his clothes. He could really use a bath, but he was too tired to worry about it right now, just wanting to get out of his armor. “Did anything happen while I was gone?”

\---

“Besides getting this room, no.” He sat down beside him, watching him with a little smile. He was so happy to see him. “It’s been pretty quiet around here without you.” As he began to reveal his skin, he started looking him over, wanting to make sure he hadn’t gotten hurt while he was out. “What about you? Mission successful, I assume?”

\---

Hawke's lips quirked up a little, further recovering from the shock of finding the clinic empty. This was the reception he’d been hoping for - his mage delighted to see him and ready to fuss over every little cut and scrape he’d gotten. “Mission successful, no one got hurt, the girls got along. I couldn't have hoped for it to go any better.”

\---

“Good.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips, sliding his arms around his waist and hugging him. “I hate not being out there with you.” He didn’t like not knowing what was going on and knowing that something could happen to him.

\---

When he was bare, he returned his embrace, so glad to hold him once more. “I hated it too. I don't want to be away from you for so long again. Especially after I came home and thought you'd been taken.”

\---

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, feeling really guilty for having scared him so much. “I was going to leave a note, I just… wasn’t thinking. I don’t mean to scare you.” He stroked his hand over his back, reveling in being able to touch him. It warmed him that he had been scared though, knowing that the rogue cared about him so much.

\---

“I'm just glad you're safe.” Though a note would have been very helpful. He rested his cheek on Anders’ shoulder, relaxing as he took him in and enjoyed his touches. “I got a little banged up on the road. Will you heal me before I sleep?” He’d missed the soothing warmth of his magic as well and wanted to feel it as well as his hands all over his skin before he took his rest.

\---

Anders nodded, wanting to take care of him completely. “You’ll be good as new,” he assured him, hands going back to searching out his bumps and bruises and beginning to heal everything he could find. He took his time, making sure he got everything there was to find and he when he was done, he give him a final squeeze. “Let’s lay down, you must be so tired.”

\---

“Very tired.” He agreed, his voice low and already heavy with sleep. The magic had been just what he'd needed to lull him. He released Anders long enough to lay down and stretch, groaning under his breath. He hadn't had a proper bed in awhile and this one was very comfortable.

\---

He’d laid down on the blanket, so he pulled up the other half of it, what he would’ve used himself if they’d slipped underneath the covers, and tucked him in. “Goodnight, Hawke.” He laid beside him and stretched his arm over him, snuggled as close as he could get.


	10. Chapter 10

The next time they got together for cards, they didn’t have much of a turnout. It was only the three rogues and the healer, but that was fine with Varric. He enjoyed all of their company and sometimes it was more fun when it was a smaller group. Everyone had been playing pretty well so the games were getting intense, especially the deeper they got into their cups.

Isabela finally had to fold for the current round and her eyes went back to Anders, as it had often that night. She’d been ogling the elf a lot lately, but in his absence, it seemed Anders had her full attention. She leaned toward him and walked her fingers slowly up his arm to his shoulders. “I’ve been thinking about you, Handsome. We had a lot of fun back in the day, didn’t we?”

\---

Anders was definitely enjoying the small group. Of all their companions, he favored the ones in the room and he definitely wasn’t going to complain about the elf being gone. Their relationship hadn’t improved in the slightest, though he did what he could keep his teeth grit and ignore him. He wasn’t always successful and it his mood was often sour around him, but he’d refrained from saying anything further to his boyfriend about it, knowing he didn’t want to hear it.

He was doing pretty well and keeping up with the rogues, who were undoubtedly all cheating a little bit. He was playing honestly himself, but if he were any better at cheating, he’d probably be doing the same. As such, when Isabela began to touch him and flirt with him, he suspected it to be a transparent plan to distract him from the round they were on.

“A little fun,” he agreed, swatting her hand away and holding his cards defensively, making sure she wouldn’t be able to see what he was holding.

\---

“Oh stop, I already folded.” Normally it would have been a tactic to see his hand, but for the moment, it wasn’t. She slid smoothly from her chair to his, inviting herself into his lap. “Just a little fun? I remember it being a lot of fun. I bet you’ve learned some new tricks since the last time we spent the night together, haven’t you?”

Hawke had been focused on making his bet, but as soon as the pirate slipped into his lover’s lap, his eyes were on her. He scowled at her and tossed his coin in. “Not that it’s any of your concern.”

\---

“And? There’s no reason to let you to catch on to my strategy either,” he insisted, keeping his cards from her. He sat back in his chair when she slid into his lap, finally looking at her. He was bemused… mostly. There was some amusement in there as well and really, he didn’t _really_ mind having a beautiful woman in his lap, even if he wasn’t interested in her.

His eyes flicked from her to his lover, noting the scowl, but not taking it seriously. He wasn’t taking her seriously, either. “Sorry, Isabela, looks like I’m not allowed to tell you anything.” He gave him a little smirk, then turned it on her. “Guess you’ll have to ask him about my tricks.”

\---

“We’re not out working, he’s not your boss right now.” Isabela chuckled into his ear, then looked to Hawke. “So, does he still do that fun little trick with the sparks in his fingers? How about his tongue?” She asked him, her tone low and her hips giving a delighted little wiggle on Anders’ lap at the mention of his tongue.

Hawke had been taking a drink and he slammed his mug down on the table when she questioned him. “Enough.” He warned, then looked to Varric, wanting to get on with the game so Isabela would be back in and would have to get away from Anders.

The dwarf looked surprised by the hostility in Hawke. This wasn’t unusual behavior for the pirate at all. In fact, she’d dropped herself into Hawke’s lap more than once, though not lately since she’d been perched on the elf whenever he was around. She flirted with everyone and tonight just happened to be Anders’ night. “Easy, Hawke. Just steal more of her coin next round and she won’t be in such a playful mood.” He said lightly as he tossed in his bet, not wanting the mood ruined.

“He doesn’t want to tell me.” Isabela murmured into Anders’ ear, her hand resting on his chest. “So tell me, do you still work your magic to please our brave leader?”

\---

Anders jumped a little from the slam, his eyes going back to his lover. He was obviously irritated by the line of questioning and as such, when she asked him directly, he set a hand on her side to try to ease her back. “You’ll have to decide that for yourself,” he told her, figuring whatever she was imagining was more steamy than reality - and they had some _steamy_ sex.

He went ahead and folded his hand then, tossing the cards on the table and leaving it between the other two.

\---

She seemed to rather like the touch, even if he was distancing her a little. “Come on, give a girl something sweet to dream about. Do you still make that little sound and curl your toes when your cock is sucked just right?” She whispered to him, a smirk on her lips. “You probably wouldn’t think I’d remember that after so much time. But you were something special, I remember a lot about you…”

It was quiet enough that no one else should have heard it, but Hawke was fixated on Isabela and all that she was saying to his lover. He stood from his seat and gave the pirate a shove, knocking her to the floor from Anders’ lap. She hadn’t been expecting that in the slightest and so it took her a moment to gain her footing and stand, but she looked ready for a fight when she did. Varric was quick despite how much he’d had to drink and was out of his chair in an instant and between them. “Hey, hey. Let’s all settle down. We’ve had some drinks, we’re having a good time and no one got hurt. Let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

\---

Anders gasped, his chair scooting back as he startled, much harder than he had before. He looked up at Hawke with wide eyes, down at the Isabela, then back up. He launched himself to his feet and went right to him, setting a hand on his arm and chest, trying to still him should he get any ideas. “Hawke, hey, it’s okay.” He tried to pull him away from her as she rose to her feet, noting that she was, unsurprisingly, angry.

\---

Hawke was seething, but he was instantly calmed at least a little by Anders’ words and touch. His lover had chosen correctly, not going to defend the pirate.

Isabela looked incredulously to Varric, as if asking if that had really just happened. “We’re just talking. I never would have guessed a big man like you would be so insecure.” She snapped when her eyes went back to Hawke.

Hawke shook his head. “You can talk without being all over him. And the last thing you need to talk to him about is how much you miss fucking him. Back off.” He snarled at her and he took Anders by the wrist, pulling him roughly out of Varric’s room.

\---

Before he could add anything, he was being dragged out of the room in a way that was as startling as the sudden shove had been. “Hawke,” he complained, but followed after him, trying to ease the grip on his wrist as he went. “Hawke, stop.”

\---

He didn’t stop and he didn’t lighten his hold, heading straight back to Anders’ room. He pushed open the door and yanked the mage inside with him, slamming and locking the door. “Is that fun for you? Hearing about how much she misses fucking you?”

\---

He was alarmed, understanding why he was upset, but not understanding why he was _so_ upset. “What are you-? Hawke, it’s just Isabela being Isabela. She does that with everyone.” Of course, he was the only one that she’d fucked before so he was the only one with whom she could reference that with, but he’d witnessed her trying to get into everyone’s pants, Hawke’s included. “That hurts, please…” He tried to pull his wrist away from him, upset by the whole situation and badly it’d gotten out of hand.

\---

“She doesn’t do _that_ with everyone. She was talking about the things you did to her that she liked. She knows about the thing you do with your toes.” He didn’t release his wrist right away, but when he did, he turned away from the mage. “Do you want her? Did having her in your lap make you miss having her in bed?”

\---

He stared at his back, so taken aback by his reaction to this. “No, no, I only want you.” He moved after him, setting a hand on his back. “You’re the only one that makes my toes curl now.” His other hand joined the first, palms resting on his shoulder blades, touching him, but not invading his space enough to restrict him.

\---

After a few beats of silence, he turned to face him. He stepped closer with the same aggressive stance he’d had when he pushed Isabela from his lap, using his body to shove Anders up against the nearest wall. He kissed him hard, something extremely possessive about it as well as the way he used his weight to pin him in place.

\---

He stumbled back into the wall, his back hitting it uncomfortably hard, though he quickly recovered. “Hawke,” he protested, feeling the need to talk about this further, before they did what he obviously wanted. He returned the kiss for a breath, to show him that he wanted it too, before turning his head aside. “Hawke, I’m yours.” He tried to meet his gaze and as soon as he got a glimpse of his eyes, he continued. “I love you.”

This wasn’t how he’d intended on telling him, but with him feeling so insecure, he wanted him to know how he felt so that he wouldn’t doubt him any further.

\---

He’d looked extremely frustrated when he turned away from the kiss, but the words stilled him. He gaped at him, his posture easing and his eyes softening. “...You love me? You’re not just saying that?” He’d known that their feelings were mutually very strong, despite not having been together all that long, but he hadn’t expected to hear that from him.

\---

His lips quirked and his own gaze turned fond. “I wouldn’t just say something like that,” he told him, hand lifting to brush his cheek. “I know it’s rather soon, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” He’d seen his feelings reflected in him and even if Hawke didn’t feel as strongly as he did, he wasn’t worried about him reacting negatively to this, especially seeing his initial reaction to it.

\---

He leaned into the touch, easing back enough that he wasn’t pinning him to the wall. “I haven’t either.” He’d had flings, but nothing like this. When he kissed him again, there was no aggression in it as there had been before. “I love you, Anders.”

\---

His heart quickened and he leaned into him to make up for the pressure easing off of him. “No one’s told me that since I was a boy,” he murmured, sliding his arms around him to encircle his neck. He couldn’t believe how good it felt to hear it, especially from him. All of his anxiety from the altercation in Varric’s room was completely gone.

\---

He wrapped his arms around him in turn, holding him tightly. “Then I only wish I had told you sooner.” He hadn’t forgotten about how angry Isabela’s flirting had made him, but at least in the moment, it felt much less important than this. “I love you.”

\---

“I love you too.” He was so earnest, so happy to have him in this way. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this happy - perhaps the last time he’d escaped the tower. It was the only thing that could come close. Knowing that Hawke had wanted to kiss him before, he found his lips now and kissed him deeply, pouring himself into it.

\---

He closed his eyes, melting into the kiss. This wasn’t what he’d expected when he dragged Anders back into this room, but this was better. He wanted to be closer to him and he started to tug at Anders’ robes, practiced enough to undress him without breaking the kiss.

\---

Anders helped, wanting to give him what he wanted if he still wanted it. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, but he would give him whatever he did. He began to undress him as well, though he wouldn’t be able to take all of it off without disrupting them, like Hawke had.

\---

Hawke broke away from him to help the mage finish undressing him. Whether he was still enraged or not, he still needed to claim his territory after the pirate had been all over him. With that in mind, he reached a hand down between them, taking the mage’s cock in hand and squeezing him. He was his to touch and no one else’s.

\---

He pulled in a slow breath, hands coming to rest on his shoulders. “Do you want to suck me?” he suggested, knowing that it was what the pirate had said about his reactions to being sucked that had triggered him. He would show him that he meant what he said - his toes curled only for him.

\---

“For starters.” He wanted to have Anders singing. He wanted to keep the pirate awake tonight with it. “Come on.” He used his hold on him to start guiding him to the bed, so much gentler than he’d been maneuvering him around before. “Sit down.”

\---

Anders did as he was told, sitting down on the edge of the bed and looking at him with the same soft gaze he’d had since they’d declared their feelings. He wanted whatever it was Hawke wanted and he was eager to show him that he was the only person he wanted.

—

He knelt down between Anders’ legs, his hand moving to stroke along the inside of his thighs. He was in no hurry and he meant to get him good and ready before his lips went anywhere near his cock. “You’re mine.” He murmured to him, leaning in to press a kiss to his thigh.

\---

He didn’t know why he’d felt insecure about that, but he could talk him about it another time. “Yours,” he confirmed, stroking his fingers through his hair.

The touches felt nice and he relaxed, his legs spreading a little further, giving him access to all of that sensitive skin. His cock was beginning to show interest, but the relaxed pace at which they were taking this was making it so even that took some time.

—

He started to his his way up one of his thighs slowly, the other getting massaged by his hand. When he got close to his cock, he hovered over it briefly, letting the heat of his breath ghost over it before he began kissing the inside of his other thigh. His hand moved in to help stimulate that area, slipping between his legs to rub at his entrance but still neglecting his cock.

\---

He was doing a good job of making him want it, his body growing tense along with his cock. The breath was a tense that made him hold his own and when he passed by, his hand tightening in his hair.

—

He telt him tensing and the grip in his hair and it was just what he wanted. He wanted him to be craving it by the time he got started. When he worked his way up to his crotch again, he licked the flesh just beside his cock, the side of his tongue grazing Anders’ balls. He moved his hand back to suck on his finger for a moment, then pressing it back into his entrance and starting to add enough pressure as he rubbed to slip into him.

\---

He gave a squirm when he felt the finger, not expecting it. It wasn’t often that he was fingered by anyone, not just Hawke. “Hawke,” he breathed, encouraging him to continue. He wanted what he was offering him, knowing that he would make him feel so good.

\---

He knew he was really starting to want it and he slid the finger all the way into him, curling it to massage him where he wanted it. It would feel nice, but it wouldn’t take care of what the mage wanted. “Anders.” He answered in a whisper, pressing a kiss to his sack, knowing his breath would be warm on the base of his cock.

\---

He moaned, squirming again, hands falling from his head so he could clutch at the edge of the bed. That alone felt really good, but he knew what would make it feel better. He wanted it.

“Please.”

—

“Please what?” He asked softly, running his tongue lightly over his balls. He knew what he wanted, but he wanted to hear it. He continued to rub his prostate, his mouth working to tease everywhere around his cock except right where he needed it.

\---

He moaned again, louder, this time in need. “Please suck me,” he begged softly, his cock as needy as he was. “Please.” The finger felt so good and his thighs continued to shift this way and that, unable to stay still.

—

“Is this what you want?” He ran his tongue slowly up the length of his cock, then pressed a kiss to the tip of it. It wasn’t exactly what he’d asked for, but he was finally paying it some attention. He parted his lips as if to take him in, but instead only brushed him with the tip of his tongue.

\---

His eyes were fixed intently on him, finding him so incredibly sexy. Knowing this incredible man was licking his cock, was about to suck it for him, made him shudder. “Yes,” he breathed, hands tightening on the bed, but when all he was given was a lick, he made a whimpering sound.

“ _Hawke_.”

—

He smirked up to him. He knew he wanted it bad now and he’d give him what he asked for. He took him into his mouth, bobbing his head slowly but sucking him firmly. He hadn’t sucked many men before he’d sucked Anders and he hadn’t done it as often as he’d received it from his lover. But what he lacked in experience, he made up for with enthusiasm, meeting his gaze hungrily while he sucked him.

\---

Anders moaned again, his loudest yet, filled with satisfaction. That was so much better and as he met his gaze, his fingers sank back into his hair, holding just tight enough to show his pleasure, but careful not to pull any more than that.

“Don’t stop.” With all his teasing, he was scared that he would do just that.

—

He would do just that, but not until Anders was much closer to his release. He kept his sucking slow and diligent, his finger starting to thrust in time with his movements. He knew one finger wouldn’t be enough to get him off, but it would pair nicely with his sucking and it was mostly to massage his prostate and keep him squirming with need.

\---

Unfortunately, he was a little too aware of what had been said, so the sound that Isabela had mentioned didn’t fall from his lips. He knew it wouldn’t sound natural while he was thinking about it, but his toes _did_ curl when he hit him just right, finger and tongue rubbing how he needed it.

With enough time, he was panting and fighting the urge to thrust himself in his mouth, the pressure building inside him and tightening, his every muscle, ready for release.

—

Hawke was happy enough to feel his legs tensing, recognizing that he’d earned the toe curl he had heard Isabela speaking of. The panting was music enough to him for the moment and when he felt Anders was getting close enough to his release, he began to slow down. He eased off of his cock, pressing kisses to the tip of it and holding steady pressure on his prostate. “Do you want to be fucked? I want to fill you up and feel you cum with me inside of you.” He licked the head of him while he waited, knowing he’d he’d be desperate for stimulation.

\---

He protested, the hands in his hair pushing his head back down a little bit, before he caught himself and let go. He wanted to be back inside his mouth, but the thought of his cock deep inside him was also making him throb. More than anything, he just wanted the pleasure and he writhed, trying to get that finger to rub. “Yes, yes. Fuck me,” he begged, his whole body poised on the edge. “Fuck me, please.”

\---

He moved to stand then, moving away from Anders to get the oil. His own cock was hard and beginning to ache, longing to be touched himself. “I want to fuck you hard tonight. Is that okay with you?” After such a sentimental moment between them, maybe Anders wouldn’t tolerate something forceful, but he’d gotten him worked up enough, he hoped he would have his way.

\---

He wanted it how Hawke wanted it and this point, he wanted just about anything. “Yes, please. Fuck me.” His eyes had fallen to his cock and he shifted back onto the bed, laying down and spreading his legs, waiting for him to come take him. He reached toward him, silently asking him to come, his cock and his ass throbbing with need.

\---

Hawke moved to him, but didn’t want to take him as he was. He pulled him back to the edge of the bed and turned him over, wanting him bent over the bed. As he often did, he used the oil on Anders as well as himself, using some to coat the mage’s cock and his entrance, wanting everything about the way they touched to feel good for him. He took his time with it, wanting to make him beg for it even more earnestly than he already had.

\---

He was surprised to be flipped over and for a brief moment, he realized he didn’t actually want everything Hawke wanted. Not that he didn’t want this, but he had wanted to be able to see him while they fucked. He accepted the change without complaint, though, and the oil on his cock made for a distraction that was almost torturous with the slow pace.

He kept his ass poised, ready to be taken, so when he wasn’t, he tried to press back. “Hawke…”

\---

“Tell me how much you want it. I need to hear you loud and clear.” Hawke oiled his own cock, rubbing his slick tip against Anders’ entrance, but he wouldn't press in until he got what he wanted.

\---

He clutched at the sheets tightly, his thighs quivering as he waited for what he wanted. All of this teasing was making him frustrated, his body in desperate need of release. “Please, fuck me! I need you to fuck me hard. I need to cum, Hawke, make me cum, _please!_ ”

\---

“I'll give you exactly what you want.” He assured him, reaching down to give his cock a squeeze. He didn't doubt that the pirate heard all of that. He pushed himself into Anders, not teasing him any further and instead giving him the hard, rapid fucking he needed.

\---

He cried out as he was given what he needed and he was quick to push his face into the bed, muffling his sounds. His knuckles were white from his hold on the sheets and he continued to beg mindlessly, his voice filled with pleasure. His thighs were trembling all the harder, barely keeping himself still for the rogue, his entire body held taut and tight.

\---

He gripped Anders by the hair, not tugging hard, but turning his head. “I want to hear you.” He groaned to him, then moved the hand back to his hip to stabilize him for the rough pounding he was giving him. His hand moved back to his cock then, stroking him firmly to give him everything he needed to get off.

\---

Anders wanted to give in completely, but he was conscious of everyone else that lived around them. He wasn’t like Isabela, entirely shameless to everyone in earshot, but it was what Hawke wanted. He panted, holding back only a moment longer, but when the next thrust hit him just right, he moaned loudly. The floodgates were opened and he was crying out by the time he came to, writhing roughly as he spilled over the bed.

\---

He wasn't quite there himself when the muscles clenched around him, but he'd gotten what he wanted just the same. He stopped when Anders was coming down from his release, bending over him to kiss along his back. After giving him a moment to catch his breath, Hawke slid out of him and guided his lover to lay back on the bed, getting onto the mattress himself and crawling over him. “I love you.”

\---

He was sweating and his heart was beating quickly, not calming as quickly as his breaths did, relieved when he came closer. He slid his arms around him, holding tightly. “I love you too.” He was aware that he’d not finished and after a passionate kiss, he went on, “How do you want to cum, love?” He tested the endearment out and found that he rather liked it.

\---

“Just like this.” He murmured, easing himself back inside of the mage. He began to take him very slowly and gently, a stark contrast from the fucking he’d given him, pressing soft, tender kisses to his lips. He'd made the point he'd needed to, now he could relax and really take his lover in.

\---

He couldn’t help but moan, so sensitive to the feel of him sliding back inside him. This was what he’d wanted and it felt so good to have him like this, so intimate. His own kisses were needy, pecking his lips over and over. “Hawke,” he breathed, wrapping his legs around him and clinging to him in every way that he could.

\---

“Anders…” He was so caught up in him, no longer having any thought of the pirate next door as he made love to him. He liked the feel of him clinging to him, staying pressed as close to him as possible as he took what he needed. He kissed him deeply, needing to show him all that he was feeling, though he couldn't sustain it for long as he had to gasp softly for breath.

\---

His body was so sensitive and he was giving squirming and whimpering, though these were all quiet sounds that were for his ears only. He tightened his muscles for him, wanting to give him as much as he could with a pace so simple. “I want you to stay inside me,” he murmured to him, trying to tell him how much he needed this connection with him. “Fill me up and stay inside of me.”

\---

“I will.” If that's what he wanted, that's what he would give him. He'd built a lot of tension with the rough fuck he’d given him, but at this pace it still took awhile to get him to his release. He quickened his hips only a little, breathing soft moans into his ear until he spilled into him with a longer, lower groan.

\---

The moans were so satisfying and when he felt him release, he hugged him tight. “Thank you,” he whispered, having gotten exactly what he wanted out of this. Everything was perfect - he wouldn’t change a thing.

\---

“You're beautiful.” He murmured to him and after stealing another kiss, he let his head rest on his shoulder. His arms circled around him tightly, relaxed but still a bit possessive.

\---

It felt really good every time he told him that - he knew it was true, but it wasn’t any less satisfying to hear it. “You’re handsome,” he countered, bringing a hand up to stroke his fingers through his hair slowly. “My handsome man,” he went on, pressing a kiss to his head.

\---

“Only yours.” He closed his eyes, enjoying all of the attention as he softened inside his lover. He'd needed a lot of assurance that Anders was only his and he wanted his mage to have the same promise from him.

\---

He smiled. “My man.” He had a feeling that after this, there would be no more questions or doubts. They’d made how they felt about each other clear. He was Hawke’s and Hawke was his. His. How had he managed to secure someone like him? He marveled at his luck, undoubtedly the Maker’s work. Everything he’d gone through had been get him to here and now, where he was meant to be.

\---

He pressed a kiss to Anders’ shoulder and sighed softly. Despite how angry he'd gotten at their game, everything felt right in his world. So long as Isabela had learned her lesson about keeping her hands to herself, things would be fine.


	11. Chapter 11

He hadn’t planned the excursion out with the pirate, but they’d left their rooms at the same time with the same destination in mind and as such, decided they should go together. It was just a quick trip to the market for the both of them, better done in pairs anyway. He’d have gone with Hawke, but he was busy meeting up with some man that frequently hired him about a potential job, so Isabela would have to do.

He enjoyed her company as much as he always did. Enough so that when they returned to their rooms, Anders invited her to come hang out in his room while he put stuff away. What had happened the week before was basically forgotten, in his eyes anyway, but he did think that her coming to his room was preferable to him going to her room. He wasn’t worried about it, but he figured if Hawke found out about it - he had no intention of hiding it from him - he’d feel a lot more suspicious of him going into her territory.

“I’ll have to go in an hour or so, but that’s plenty of time to break into these grapes.”

\---

“Oooh, we’re giving those grapes a try?” Isabela had paused in her doorway, meaning to put her own food away before joining the mage in his room. “I have something good to go with that, hold that thought.” She’d bought berries for herself, but she’d been eyeing the grapes Anders bought and was glad he was willing to share. She went into her room to set her things down, then made her way to the room he shared with Hawke with a block of cheese in hand. She helped herself to to first seat she saw in her room, then pulled a small dagger from her hip and used it to start cutting off pieces for them.

\---

“That looks good,” he agreed, putting his stuff away. There was a barrel in the room that was meant only to be a surface on which to set things, but he had enchanted it to stay cold and as such, he put some of the more perishable foods inside. Apart from his healing and his ability to set anyone or anything he wanted aflame, it was probably the most useful perk of having magic. Only the most wealthy could afford cold rooms to keep their food fresh - something any mage with a little primal skill could accomplish for free.

When he finished, he moved to sit down beside her, plucking up a slice of cheese and taking a bite.

\---

“There aren’t many places in the world that you can find grapes this sweet.” She mused after popping one of the grapes into her mouth. “Some with fruit a little sweeter. But these are just right.” And the salt of the cheese was a nice compliment to it, so she ate a slice to chase the grape she’d swallowed.

\---

He did just the opposite, chasing the cheese down with a grape. “They taste really good together.” The grapes were definitely a treat for himself - he tried to buy himself at least one each time he went to the market. Life just wasn’t worth living eating bread and broth all the time.

“So, what’s the plan with your ship then? Are you just… saving up for one or are you going to steal one first chance you get?” It was obvious that she longed to sail again, but he knew she was still dealing with her issues here in Kirkwall. Still, he wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to put them all behind her and take off, men after her or otherwise.

\---

She sighed wistfully, her heart aching at the thought of her ship. “I’m saving up for one. Which is hard for a hedonist, but at least sticking around Hawke has made for a more consistent flow of coin than just fleecing any rich man or woman who wants me for arm candy.” She ate another grape, then chuckled. “But if a great opportunity to steal a ship came up, it would be _very_ hard to stop myself.”

\---

He chuckled along with her, continuing to munch on both the cheese and grapes. “Yeah, Hawke seems to have this weird habit of improving everyone’s lives around him.” He smiled, knowing that it was certainly true for himself. He was better off than he’d been without him and though he didn’t feel strictly safe here, he could take care of himself as far as all that went.

\---

“He does, doesn’t he?” Things had been better for all of them since Hawke had become part of their lives. “He’s got a way of getting things done. ...Sometimes a little forcefully, but I like that in a man. It seems you do too.” She flashed him a wink, then took another bite.

\---

“He’s sexy when he gets like that.” He shrugged, not at all minding his gruffness. “He means well - I don’t think he’s actually as tough as he puts on. He’s all soft when it comes down to it.” Which is why he’d hopped right on his cock when given the opportunity. “Not really sure what he sees in me, to be honest, a man like that.” Anders was a little cocky about what a catch he was, but Hawke was something else. A cut above him, that was for sure, not that he intended on telling him so at the risk of him agreeing and changing his mind about them.

\---

“He’s _very_ sexy when he gets like that.” She agreed, almost as wistful as she’d gotten about her ship. “You’re crazy, Handsome. There’s plenty to see in you. I’d just like to see you two together behind closed doors. I bet he’s fierce in bed, but every once in awhile he slows it down and makes sweet, slow love to you.” She looked to the bed and sighed, as if she could see it for herself.

\---

He rolled his eyes and waved a hand, dismissing her. He hadn’t been fishing for a compliment, just talking about how he felt. “I’m sure you would.” He was sure she’d like to do more than ‘see’, but he didn’t want to delve into that subject. He didn’t think it was a big deal, but he could remember how suggestive she’d gotten and how it’d pissed off his boyfriend.

“You know, I bet if you sold all the gold you’re wearing,” he gestured vaguely to her neck, “you’d be able to afford your ship a lot faster.” There. A safer subject and one that he knew would keep her talking if he stuck to it.

\---

The pirate scoffed at that, putting a hand protectively over her gold-laden chest. “You should never ask a woman to part with her jewelry. And you should never ask a pirate to part with her gold. Those are fighting words.”

\---

His brows quirked and then he smirked. “Come on, hand it over.” He reached out with both hands, waiting expectantly. “Bet it looks prettier on me.” He was not only asking her to part with her jewelry and gold, he was challenging her to it.

\---

“There’s nothing prettier than me in Thedas other than a nice, big ship.” She dropped a grape into his hands instead of her jewelry. “You would be pretty with some gold on you, though. We might have to talk to that man of yours. See if we can get him to dress you up.”

\---

He snickered, eating the grape that was given to him. “You don’t want to accept otherwise, I see.” He did think he would look rather nice in what she was wearing - he’d always thought gold looked good on him. He wouldn’t mind some of his own, but he doubted he would ever have money to blow like that, not with the clinic to take care of.

“He has more important things to spend his coin on. So do I.”

\---

“There is little more important than doing what makes you happy. Being covered in gold makes me happy, it might make you happy too. I’ll talk to Hawke, see if we can’t decorate you just a little bit.” She smirked, looking him over as she considered what might look good on him.

Hawke appeared in the doorway, having returned from his errand in relatively good spirits. Right up until he saw the pirate sitting in his room beside his lover, staring hungrily at him. He scowled at the pair of them, folding his arms. “I leave for a few hours in the morning and I find you two alone together. What a surprise.”

Isabela looked to the rogue incredulously, thinking he couldn’t possibly be serious. “You missed the orgy, that was half an hour ago.” She said with a roll of her eyes and stood, putting a hand on her hip. “We’re having a snack. Fully clothed. With the door open.”

“Out.” He snapped at her, though his eyes had fixed on Anders.

\---

Anders looked to him as well, his smile fading as he took in his expression and what he had to say. “Hawke, it’s not a big deal. We were just having some grapes and cheese.” He gestured to the food laid out on the table. He rose to his feet, intending to go to him and calm him down.

He still didn’t think it was a big deal, but remembering how he’d reacted before, he wanted to prevent any outbursts.

\---

“I’m lucky that’s all I walked in on.” Hawke shook his head, moving away from the doorway, both to distance himself from Anders and to let Isabela make a hasty exit when she saw that he was indeed serious and wanted her to go. “You’ve slept with her, Anders. Do you really think I’m okay with you being alone with her? In our bedroom?”

\---

He frowned, but when she was gone, he closed the door behind her. “So, what? I can’t be friends with her because we slept together a few times years ago? I thought we got past this… I don’t want her. I only want you. We just went to the market together and hung out long enough to have a snack, like she said.”

\---

“You can be friends with her. There’s no reason for you to be alone with her.” Hawke moved closer to him, taking him by the jaw and not being terribly gentle about moving it one way, then the other, checking his neck for hickeys. “Did she touch you? Sit on your lap for a little while? Make your toes curl?”

\---

Anders pushed his hand away and stepped back from him, ruffled by the accusations. “What has gotten into you? If you trust me enough to be her friend, you ought to trust me enough to be around her.” He didn’t like that he didn’t trust him, especially not after what had happened before. “I wouldn’t do anything with her. I’m yours, you know that.”

\---

Hawke folded his arms across his chest, all the more angered by Anders pushing him away. “You can be around her when someone else is there. If it's just the two of you, there's no telling what she could talk you into. Did she try it today? Put her hands all over you again?”

\---

“No, she didn’t. Even if she tried, I wouldn’t have let her.” He was growing angrier with every accusation. “I don’t want her. You need to trust me. I love you, I want you, no one could talk me into anything like that.” He shook his head at him. “Knock it off, already.”

\---

“You don't need to be alone with her.” He said firmly, then stepped away from the door to set his blades aside. He left his armor on, as he often did early in the day because he usually had some other place to be. He turned his back to Anders, pulling some pieces of parchment out to look over the jobs he had gotten from the meeting he’d been at.

\---

He couldn’t believe him and after a long moment of just staring at his back, he grabbed his staff, returned to the door, opened it, and walked out. They could talk about this later, when he got back from working in the clinic. By then, he’ll probably have calmed down and thought things over.

\---

Hawke didn't so much as turn around when Anders left. He didn't want to see him right now, not after he’d been hanging out with a whore in their bedroom. He was tempted to go to her, to tell her to stay away from Anders. But she wouldn't listen, not until it was Anders pushing her away. He had business to take care of anyway and he'd take he’d take his supper before his boyfriend returned from the clinic. He'd always waited for him, but tonight he had no interest in dining with him.

\---

It was late when Anders got back, which was nothing unusual for him. Sometimes Hawke stopped by before he closed the clinic, sometimes he didn’t, but Anders wasn't particularly surprised that he didn’t show tonight. He’d like to think that he’d just been busy, but he had a feeling that what awaited him wasn’t good.

It made for an anxious walk back and when he stepped inside and saw Hawke laying in bed, reading a book, he got all the confirmation he needed.

“Hawke,” he greeted him, locking the door behind him and moving into the room to set his staff down.

\---

Hawke's eyes shifted to Anders, but that was all the acknowledgment he was getting. He went back to his book, licking the tip of his finger and using it to turn the page. The grapes and cheese from earlier were cleaned up and the small stack of dishes to be washed was evidence that Hawke had already had his supper alone.

\---

He waited and when it seemed nothing would be said, he set about getting ready for the night. He took of his robes, pulled on some trousers and a tunic that he wore only for bed, and then sat down on the edge of it near him. “We need to talk,” he started softly, watching him.

\---

“Just go to bed.” Hawke kept his eyes on his book. It seemed he was far more interested in the story than having any conversation with his lover. Though they usually cuddled up enough that they didn't really have ‘sides’ of the bed. He was farther on his side than usual so the mage could lay down without touching him.

\---

He frowned, not taking his eyes off him. “Garrett, stop it.” This was his first time using his name like this. When he’d tried it earlier that week, it had been out of affection. This time, it was to try and make a point. “I’m not going to sit here and pretend like everything is okay if it isn’t. We need to talk about earlier, so please put the book down and talk to me.”

\---

He snapped it book shut and tossed it on the nightstand. The knuckles of his left hand were swollen and scabbed - he’d had some thugs to take care of in the afternoon and he'd taken out some frustration on the job. Turned his back to Anders, rolling up on his side and holding his pillow the way he would normally hold his lover when he was going to sleep.

\---

The reaction made him feel both ill and indignant. He remained as he was for quite a while, just watching him, then with a internalized sigh, he lowered down to the bed, turning his back to him so they weren’t facing each other. He didn’t think he’d be able to go to bed any time soon… but at least he was here. Hawke could’ve left and stayed at home, but he’d come to stay with him, so maybe after he got over this anger, they could talk.

He shut his eyes and tried to fall asleep with little success.

\---

Hawke didn't expect to sleep either, angry as he was. He closed his eyes, glad the the mage was at least leaving him alone. He did eventually get to sleep, but it was uneasy. If he woke early enough, he'd just get up and get to work in the morning to avoid talking to him.

\---

Anders woke early the next morning and it didn’t take long for him to remember why he was feeling so restless. He twisted his torso back, looking behind him to see the rogue sleeping beside him. At least, he thought he was sleeping. There was no way to tell with his back to him as it was. He watched it for a time, thinking about what he could do, and eventually decided to set about making breakfast.

He got up and went to the fireplace, where there was a metal rack and sheet he could use to cook, if he wanted. He got the fire started and then began to dig through their stores to find something to make.

\---

His sleep was light and the rummaging was all it took to wake him. Hawke turned to his back and rubbed his eyes, then moved to sit up on the edge of the bed. The sight of Anders had him frowning and he slowly rose to his feet with a stretch, then started out of the room to go to the washroom.

\---

Anders heard him get up and turned to look at him, watching him leave the room. He didn’t say anything, assuming he needed to go to the bathroom, so he returned to what he was doing, cooking some ham and eggs for them. He also pulled out a little bit of bread, setting the table while he waited.

\---

It took some time for him to return, having bathed after answering the call of nature. He returned to the room with wet hair and when he saw that the table had been set, his posture softened only a little. He took his seat at the table, ready to eat but hardly even giving Anders a glance.

\---

The eggs and the ham had been done for a while, but he’d been keeping them warm so that when he arrived, he could plop them on their plates while it was still steaming. He poured some chilled water into their glasses and then sat down across from him. “...I understand that I’ve upset you, but I don’t understand why. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to push me away… so if you would talk to me about what’s going on, I think we could come to an understanding.”

\---

“I said what I have to say about it. You don't need to be alone with her.” He started into his breakfast, though he wasn't really hungry. But he had work to do and he needed the energy.

\---

“Alright - I’ll avoid being alone with her, but I want you to tell me why you’re so certain that I would cheat on you.” The lack of trust was disheartening. “Did something happen to you?” he ventured, trying to give him something to go off of. If he’d been cheated on before, this reaction made a lot more sense and it made him more sympathetic to his position.

\---

“More than once.” His prior relationships had been nothing serious and short as they'd been, some had been ended by straying lovers. It wasn't as if he'd been cheated on in a serious relationship like this, but it did nothing to help his trust in Anders. “If you avoid being alone with her, then we're in agreement.” Not that he sounded much happiness about it.

\---

He nodded. “I’m sorry that happened to you, love. Anyone that would cheat on you is an idiot - you’re as good as it gets.” He reached across the table for his hand, hoping the gesture would be accepted. “I wish you’d just told me this sooner. When we have problems like this, it’s best that we talk through it, don’t you think? I understand where you’re coming from now.”

“I want you to understand where I’m coming from too. It’s too early for you to trust me, I can accept that, but I do want you to trust me. I want you to be confident that I would never do that to you. I know it’ll take some time, but you’ll see. I’ll prove it to you.”

\---

Hawke liked the loyalty he spoke of and he rewarded him by allowing him to take his hand. He nodded in return. “You can trust me too.” He didn't want anyone else, only his mage. “You just had to say you wouldn't be alone with her.” If he'd done so earlier, he wouldn't have stayed so angry.

\---

“It’s not that simple… I needed to understand why you would ask that of me.” He gave his hand a squeeze. “You’ll talk to me from now on, won’t you?”

\---

“It is that simple. You’ve fucked her, she wants you, I don’t want you alone with her. Period.” He drank the water the mage had chilled for him, then withdrew his hand to stand from the table. “Close the clinic early tonight. I want you home.” He didn’t know what time he’d be back himself, but he’d make sure Isabela wasn’t here to keep Anders company.

\---

He frowned. “She wants to fuck you too, you know. She wouldn’t hesitate, if you’d let her.” He thought they were on even ground, even if he had fucked her some time ago. “You can’t hold my past against me like that. It’s not fair.”

\---

“I’m not holding it against you. I’m preventing history from repeating itself. I’ve never fucked her and she’ll never know just what gets me off.” He moved to start pulling on his armor. “This discussion is over. Don’t be alone with her. Get home early.”

\---

He was so taken aback by his attitude. He remained silent, just watching him as he got ready to go. He was at a loss of what to say, since nothing he said mattered to him.

\---

“Will you do that?” He asked, his tone a little sharper when his demands had been met with silence. He plucked up his blades, knowing he’d feel a little better about all of this once he was out and working. He had plenty to do and he could keep the pirate busy with at least some of it so he wouldn’t have to worry about them sneaking around.

\---

“Yes, fine,” he snapped, going to grab his robes so he could change into them. He hadn’t really touched his food and he wasn’t interested in it. He’d take care of it later. Right now, he just wanted to be out of this room.

\---

That was what he needed. “I’ll see you tonight.” It was an assurance he wouldn’t have offered if he hadn’t agreed. He left without another word, going just next door to seek out the pirate. She didn’t answer her door, however, so he went out, deciding he’d likely catch her somewhere along his travels that day.

\---

When Anders left, he didn’t go the clinic. Rather, he sought out some of his mage companions, figuring he could just pour himself into all of that. All of that included a walk through the Gallows, but he was careful about it and he managed to stay undetected. Even after doing everything he could, the day ended early and he found himself with nowhere to go but ‘home’, so he made his way back to the bar, but rather than go up to the room, he found a seat and bought himself a drink.

\---

Varric was on his way down to the bar to relieve some patrons of their coin in a few games of dice, but he spotted the mage sitting and have a drink. The dwarf bought a drink as well, then moved to Anders, nodding to the seat next to him. “Mind if I join you, Blondie?”

\---

The mage had been lost in his thoughts when he was approached. He snapped out of them and offered the dwarf a smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Sure thing.” He gestured to the seat, inviting him to take it. He took another sip of his drink and looked at him expectantly, as if there would be some ulterior motive for his presence.

\---

“You look like you’ve got something on your mind.” He observed once he took his seat. He took a sip of his drink, watching him closely though his attentiveness wasn’t obvious. “Your man was in a bit of a mood when I saw him earlier too.”

\---

“Yeah… I suppose he gets like that.” He hadn’t known that until now, but here they were. He shrugged and continued to work at his drink, taking only sips, but taking them frequently.

\---

“He does.” He sipped his own drink with him, but a little less frequently. “Do you want to talk about it? We can go to my room if you don’t want to talk down here. He won’t be angry about it being just you and me.” He knew the gist of the issue, having listened to Isabela vent about it.

\---

He shook his head. “He’ll be angry.” At this point, he couldn’t expect anything less. He’d been so unreasonable in the way he’d dealt with this whole issue with Isabela, he couldn’t imagine him being any more reasonable about him being alone with anyone else so soon after being told he wasn’t trusted to remain faithful. “It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”

\---

“He won’t be. He and I have a bit more of an understanding than he does with her.” He raised a hand to gesture the bartender to get Anders another drink. He was working on his fairly quickly after all. “It’s not my business and we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, Blondie. But I’ve gotten Hawke to open up to me about some things and...to keep it brief, I think he’s just going to need a little time to feel like he doesn’t have to be in control of everything.”

\---

He made an odd sound. Almost a scoff, but not quite. “So he’ll talk to you, but he won’t talk to me.” He shook his head to himself, his eyes fixing on the table. “Look, I appreciate your concern, Varric, but I can figure this out on my own.” He didn’t want his advice or input. He might appreciate it for anything else, but for this, he didn’t want someone butting into his relationship.

\---

“Oh no, he doesn’t want to talk to me right now. This was a long time ago. Perhaps before we met you.” He didn’t want him thinking the angry rogue was offering him more than curt business discussion as angry as he was right now. “If you change your mind, I’m happy to listen.”

\---

The correction of his assumption didn’t make him feel any better. “Thanks.” Without another word and before he got the refill that had been summoned for him, he rose to his feet and made his way upstairs. It was unlike him to be so quiet and so dismissive, but he felt shitty and talking about it, even as much as they had, wasn’t helping.

\---

Varric felt bad watching Anders go, knowing he hadn’t done anything to help. He waved off the bartender and took his own drink to head upstairs. He’d give the healer space, but he’d just write in his room instead of gamble in the tavern so he’d be accessible if Anders changed his mind.

\---

In his room, he ended up kicking off his boots and then sinking into his bed. It’d been a long day and he felt like he could use a nap. He curled up beneath the blankets and he let the alcohol lull him under, this time falling into a deep and restful sleep that had failed him the night before.

\---

Hawke got home in the evening, hoping to find his mage at home as he'd demanded. Sure enough, Anders was curled up and sleeping. Isabela would be gone for a few days and his lover was waiting for him when he got home, just as he'd wanted. That was enough to improve his mood and when he stripped off his weapons, he decided to reward his effort to do as he wanted. He crawled into bed behind him, wrapping an arm around him and kissing the back of his neck.

\---

Anders made a sound in his sleep, shifting as the bed sank and then cracking his eyes open when he touched him. “...Hawke?” he questioned, turning his head back towards him, eyes opening blearily.

\---

“I’m glad you came home early.” He murmured against his neck. He’d gotten what he needed - a promise not to be alone with her and for his mage to be home when he asked.

\---

His lips tugged down a little. “...What time is it?” He wasn’t sure how long he’d been napping. He assumed it hadn’t been all that long - if Hawke wanted him here, he figured it was because he’d intended on coming home early himself.

\---

“I'm not sure. The time I usually get home. But I'm not used to coming home to you.” It was too early for bed, but a good time for them to have dinner.

\---

That was true. Usually Hawke was here when he got back, if he didn’t come join him in the clinic. He gave a little nod, then turned his head back the other way, thinking about everything. It seemed Hawke was in a better mood now, but he had a feeling if he tried to talk to him, that would quickly change.

\---

“I love you.” He did love him, even if he'd been frustrated with him. Anders was his. He closed his eyes, tired after not sleeping well the night before and content to relax with him.

\---

It took a moment for him to respond and when he did, it was a little solemn. “I love you too.” He did love him, but he wasn’t happy with him. He knew he was just going to have to let it go, so he intended on doing that, but it would take a little while for everything to settle still.

\---

This was supposed to make Anders happy, to be a reward for doing as he said. But as unenthused as the mage seemed to have him like this again, apparently it wasn’t as appreciated as he thought. He sighed and rolled out of bed, deciding he’d busy himself with making their dinner.

\---

“...Where are you going?” he asked, after a few seconds of him having moved off of the bed. Was he going to go home and leave him here? He rolled around to face him, eyes fixing on him, looking rather small in the way he was curled up on the bed.

\---

“Nowhere. But I can go home if you don’t want me here.” There was hurt in his eyes when he glanced to Anders, but he quickly got back to what he was doing. He started to dig through their food stores, trying to decide what to toss together for dinner.

\---

“I never said that.” He wanted him here, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to be here. He’d come back each time, but he was so… mad at him. He didn’t feel like he could go on, since he’d made it clear that he had no interest in talking through their problems. Doing so would only make things worse.

\---

“No, but I just tried to be sweet with you and you don’t seem to want that. If you’d rather be alone, I can go.” He started pulling out some vegetables and beef, his cooking skills rather limited to something he can cook up in one pan.

\---

“I’m upset, Hawke.” He pushes himself up onto his hands. “Can’t I feel upset about this too?” Hawke had gotten all his anger out, so why couldn’t he get his own emotions out too? “I want you, but I’m not happy with you right now.”

—

“What do you have to be upset about? You didn't have to worry about me in our bedroom with a slut I've fucked before.” Hawke abandoned what he was doing, moving instead to grab his daggers. “You know what? Be upset. I'm going out.”

\---

He grit his teeth, tears filling his eyes, and looked away from him, saying nothing. He didn’t want him to see how much he was hurting him, so he just remained still and silent, waiting for him to go.

—

“I wanted things to be better. I held you, I kissed you. But you'd rather be upset over a matter that is settled. I missed you today, Anders. I missed you and this is what I come home to.” He didn't give him a chance to respond, on his way out the door as he said it and slamming it closed behind him.

\---

As soon as he was gone, he burst into tears, crying into his hands. He didn’t know how to handle this, but he was going to have to change something if this was going to work.

He hadn’t cried since Karl has died and before then, it’d been a long time. Nothing had hurt him like this did and he was a mess.

—--

It was late the next evening that Hawke went back into the Hanged Man. He wasn’t sure if he’d be welcome and so he found himself tapping on the door before he let himself inside. He wasn’t surprised to see Anders already in bed and he was relieved that the man was at least in bed alone. He was looking rough himself, sporting a busted lip and a healing cut above his brow. Both of his hands were wrapped in bandaging. He lingered by the door, not sure if he should put his blades away or not. “Anders…”

\---

The tapping opened his eyes and when Hawke stepped in, his heart picked up. It’d been a bad day for him, working hard in the clinic to try and forget his problems. He hadn’t expected Hawke to return and if he hadn’t shown up, he probably would’ve gone to see him the next day.

He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing he was here, but he felt a little more hopeful than he had when he’d come back to find him absent.

He saw how beat up he was and he was concerned, but he didn’t know if his concern would be welcome.

“Hawke,” he responded, pushing himself up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

—

“I’m sorry.” He wanted to be welcomed home this time, so he thought he’d start with an apology. He wanted to stay, but he wouldn’t if Anders was still angry with him. He missed him and he wanted to know he was missed as well.

\---

That was encouraging and he rose to his feet, making his way over to him. “You’re hurt,” he murmured, reaching up to brush his busted lip. He followed the touch with a heal and then nodded towards the table. “Come sit down.” He wanted to take care of them before they talked. If they were going to talk at all.

\---

“You should have seen the other guys.” He wasn't much for joking, but he was pleased that Anders had come over to fuss over his wounds. He kissed his brow with his newly mended lips, then moved to sit down at the table. “I might have broken my left hand again.” It wouldn't be the first time he'd busted a metacarpal on someone's face.

\---

He nodded and sat down next to him, removing his bandages and healing him as he found wounds. He was even more solemn than he had been last time, but there was something almost peaceful to it as he worked to fix him up. When he seemed to have gotten everything, he sat back and looked at him.

“...I’m glad you came back.”

\---

He’d missed the warmth of his magic and he closed his eyes serenely. He opened them again when Anders spoke up and he nodded. “I’m glad too. I’ve missed you, Anders.” Not that he’d gone long without seeing him. But it felt like it had been, considering how the tension between them lately.

\---

“I’ve missed you too,” he murmured, fingers toying with his trousers, which he’d put on for the night. “I didn’t mean to make you so angry. I’m sorry, too.”

\---

He’d wanted an apology and he reached out to put a hand on Anders’, stilling it from the way it was worrying his pants. “Then let’s put this behind us. The matter is settled and we’ve missed each other. I want to spend tonight with you. Is that alright?”

\---

He nodded, knowing that letting it go was the best he was going to get. “Yeah.” He gave him a little quirk of his lips, but he still wasn’t feeling all that good. Still, he was relieved that he was here at all. “Are you hungry?” He’d had a little bit to eat himself, but he wouldn’t mind making something for him if he wanted it.

\---

“Only for you.” His appetite had been poor in his brooding and he wasn’t hungry after the small lunch he’d had that afternoon. He used his hold on Ander’s hand to tug his mage into his lap, kissing him firmly. He’d really missed him and it showed in the needy way he kissed him.

\---

He followed the pull and met the kiss, fingers curling into the front of his armor. He’d missed him just as much and it felt so good to feel his lips. He’d gotten a taste of them the night before, but he’d let his emotions get between them. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut, then he would’ve stayed with him all night.

\---

It felt so good to have his kiss returned and he wasted no time in deepening it. He needed this and his arms wound tightly around him. “I love you.” He broke the kiss long enough to murmur against his lips before going right back in for more.

\---

He hummed, responding that way since there wasn’t much that he could say without breaking the kiss. He slid his arms around his neck and parted his lips to welcome him into his mouth, wanting him to claim it as he seemed to so love doing. He didn’t mind giving up control to him in this way; Hawke could have as much of it as he wanted.

\---

He took the invitation, pushing his tongue into his mouth and taking what he wanted from it. He used his grip on him to hold him in place as he began to rock his hips up into him. He’d gotten spoiled to the frequent sex they’d been having and after a couple days without, the weight in his lap had quickly reminded him of what he’d been missing.

\---

He felt the rocking and responded in kind, rolling his own hips to meet him. He’d missed him so much and he wanted him desperately. They’d been lacking in all forms of intimacy and this would make up for it. He met his tongue and kiss with that pounding emotion, needing everything he could get from him.

\---

When he felt that Anders wanted this too, he knew things would be alright. They had each other again. “Get the oil.” He broke the kiss to murmur to him, his cock thickening at the thought of being ridden by him. He’d take him until they were both spent and crashed for the night, knowing they’d both feel better about everything after being lost in each other for hours.


	12. Chapter 12

A month had gone by and Varric had noticed things were a little bit more peaceful between his neighbors. He hadn’t gotten everyone together for cards again, not after what had happened the last time, but he was starting to think it might be time to try it again soon. The doors hadn’t been slamming down the hall, Hawke and Isabela were civil with each other on missions, and Anders had brightened up again.

It seemed he still wasn’t getting any support from his lover when it came to helping the mages, however, so Varric went with his friend whenever he was asked to go to the Gallows. Whether they were spying, exchanging intel with other mages, or helping to get mages safely out of Kirkwall, he didn’t like the idea of Anders going alone. He spoke to Hawke about it - not about Anders going to the Gallows since he was sure he wouldn’t approve - but about supporting the healer’s passion in helping mages suffering because of the Circle in Kirkwall. Their leader had brushed him off, saying he was happy to help them as he would help anyone else. Which of course meant on his terms and for a price. As a businessman, Varric could respect that. As a friend, he struggled to understand how Hawke could take so little interest in something that meant so much to Anders.

On this occasion, Hawke was going to be gone at least overnight if not longer, so it was good timing for Varric to go with Anders to the Gallows and help to sneak out some mages. It was a successful trip and with both of them returning in a good mood, the dwarf looked up to his friend with a warm smile. “I don’t know about you, but I could use a drink and a bit of soup after that. Care to join me?”

\---

Anders was feeling pretty accomplished and he returned the smile. “Sure, sounds good to me.” When they entered the Hanged Man, he made his way to the table they usually occupied down in the bar, figuring that was what he’d meant. “Thanks for helping me, Varric,” he told him, dropping into a seat and waiting for him to join him.

\---

“Nah, let’s just order and take it up to my room. I want to talk to you without having to shout over this ruckus.” He waved toward the crowd. They weren’t especially loud this evening, but they were never very quiet either. When he was thanked, he chuckled and gave his arm a nudge. “No need to thank me, Blondie. It’s what friends are for.”

\---

His smile remained, but there was something a little anxious about it. “...We should probably stay down here.” He couldn’t help but be embarrassed that he had to insist, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Things had been going so good with Hawke lately and he didn’t want to mess that up by stepping over some line that he wasn’t ready for.

\---

“Trust me. This isn’t talk for public ears.” He gave him a reassuring look, knowing the reason for his apprehension. “It’s just you and me tonight. They won’t be back for at least another day.” Isabela was with Hawke so there was no reason for him to suspect any trouble.

\---

He hesitated a moment longer, then nodded. “Alright, let’s order it.” He got back to his feet and went to do just that, ordering some soup and a drink of his own, not wanting the dwarf to pay for anything for him. The few times they’d hung out, he’d always provided the alcohol and he knew it was pricer stuff than what he would’ve gotten himself.

When he was given his supper, he waited for Varric to be given his and then made his way up to his room. He was still anxious, but it would be nice to hang out with him for the night.

\---

Varric was glad to hear him agree and he grabbed his own food and went up to his room. He balanced his food and drink in one arm to unlock the door, then pushed it open with his foot to let them inside. He set his meal down on the table, them moved to lock the door behind them. He had some parchments laid out on the table, but he rolled them up for now and got ready to dig into his meal.

\---

He dropped down into his normal spot and despite his reservations, he felt rather comfortable here. “So, you wanted to talk about something?” He gave his soup a stir, lifted up a spoonful to check the temperature, then lowered it back to rest in the bowl. Still too hot, but not enough that it was worth trying to cool it.

\---

“Yeah, just something I’ve been working on. There’s a reason the spies down in the Gallows are struggling to make a consistent schedule for templar patrols. They’re made very irregular on purpose.” Varric grabbed one of the parchments and passed it over, explaining the patrol shifts and how often the times are rotated to keep them hard to trace. He sipped his ale while he let Anders look it over, making a satisfied sound at the taste.

\---

Anders cocked his head and pulled the parchment in. When he realized what it was, his eyes widened. “...How did you get this?” He looked up at him, amazed. Of course, as he was steadily coming to learn, there was no point in questioning how Varric knew the things he did. He just did.

\---

“I’m a man of many talents, Blondie.” He winked at him, glad to see his amazement at what had been a fairly simple bit of information to get his hands on. “We can use this to ensure our movements in the Gallows are safer.” He raised his mug to him. “To more successful nights just like this one.”

\---

He grinned.  “I’ll drink to that.” He tapped their mugs together and then took his drink. When he set it down, he was back to pouring over the schedule, excited to have it and even more excited to share it. “I can keep this, right?”

\---

“Of course you can, I made copies.” He said once a shrug after he’d taken his own drink. “I’m hoping to have more for you before long.” He knew how much this meant to Anders and he’d do what he could to make it safer for him. It was as good of a cause as any and he wanted to be supportive.

\---

“Thank you, really.” He’d been so helpful with all of this. He hadn’t expected it, but he appreciated it. To know that someone cared as much about mages as he did. He slipped the parchment away, knowing he would have to be careful with it, then tried a bit of his soup. It was perfect and there was a bounce in him as he ate.

“We’ll have to wait a while before we sneak anyone else out… Too many at a time and we’ll have the Knight Commander coming down on us, but still, if we know what they’re doing, it’s going to be so much easier to do everything else that we need to do.” Helping mages escape wasn’t all they were doing, not by a longshot.

\---

“I’ll agree with you on that one. The more we stay under her radar, the more we can accomplish overall.” Varric started in on his own soup, finding it to be pretty good. Not everything served at the tavern was great and some nights he sought food elsewhere, but the soups were rarely a disappointment.

\---

He leaned into the table as he ate, comfortable and happy. It’d been a really good day and though he missed Hawke, it was kind of nice to have some time away from him to do things that he both wanted and needed to do. It was nice to spend time with a friend.

“So then, Varric, why don’t you entertain me with a story?” It’d been a while since he’d heard something that _didn’t_ involve Hawke, since his audience was often the patrons of the pub and they seemed to never tire hearing about the rogue that was slowly but surely making waves.

“How about one where you’re the main character?”

\---

‘Me?” Varric laughed heartily and shook his head. “Blondie, I’m the storyteller. I write about the heros. I’m not so conceited to go around telling my own stories.” He was plenty conceited to, actually, he just didn’t like to tell them. They were his stories and his alone. “But if it’s a story you want, I’m happy to provide.”

\---

“If you’re fighting alongside the hero, surely it’s as much your story as it is theirs?” When he’d shared a couple of his own stories that had included the Hero of Ferelden, he hadn’t told them from her perspective, as Varric so often did in his stories of Hawke. “Come on, Varric, we both know you’ve done a lot of interesting things. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.”

\---

“I don’t do anything all that interesting. I...enable other people to do interesting things.” He said, giving himself a moment to think by sipping his ale in the middle of what he’d been saying. “In return, I get good stories out of their adventures.” He rested his chin on his hand, studying him. “What is it you’d want to know about me anyway?”

\---

“Anything. You’re one of the most interesting people I know here. Apart from Hawke, you _are_ the most interesting person I know here, so go on.” He gave him a little smile and then continued to sip at his soup, waiting expectantly.

\---

“I’ve got you fooled if you think I’m so interesting.” He was honestly a bit flattered and his smirk showed it. He decided to go with a relatively light hearted story, wanting to keep the mood light and not ready to divulge any of his heavier stories to anyone. Though Anders was the one person he felt he’d be most willing to share one with.

He told a story about going with his brother to meet some other dwarves in a drinking game - a dangerous one, deeply rooted in tradition. Because they could have an amazing constitution for drinking each other under the table, the game was made quicker by playing with a live scorpion on each of their hands. They would take a drink, then set their mug down and jam a dagger into the table. All of this had to be done smoothly and carefully to keep the scorpions from getting aggravated and stinging.

Varric explained that he’d rubbed a little sugar and a drop of a tranquilizing poison onto his hand to keep the scorpion docile, but that he’d gotten increasingly nervous as the rounds went on. “So it ended up just being me against Graham and we went round after round. The scorpion on me had been so still for so long, but it was beginning to twitch so I was thinking it was about to wake up and it would wake up pissed. Two more rounds passed. Graham was still going strong and I was swaying in my chair. I could feel sweat running down my brow when I lifted the dagger once more, knowing I wouldn’t be able to put it into the table smoothly this time without jarring the scorpion.”

“I stabbed it into the wood, very clumsily at this point, and the scorpion twitched. I held my breath, watching the scorpion as it tensed and tremored. And then...it fell off.” He demonstrated this by letting the back of his hand fall against the table with a smack. “Flat on its back and its legs curled up. I felt terrible. It turns out even a drop of that poison will kill a scorpion after all. But the men cheered and carried me out on their shoulders - the story went that there was so much alcohol in my sweat, I’d killed the scorpion with it. It’s still one of the best dwarf drinking stories among that circle of our family and friends to this day.”

\---

There was a smile on his lips as he listened to the story, growing and growing. By the end, he laughed. “It’s quite the story. Never had the heart to tell them the truth, huh?” He knew that Varric usually wove falsehoods into his stories. He could practically hear his response: What good was a story that was all truth, after all? He wouldn’t be surprised if he was the first one he’d told that, as requested. “Suppose you couldn’t - then they’d know you were cheating all along and really, it would be wrong to ruin such a story, wouldn’t it?”

\---

“It would! You’re the first person to get the true story about what happened that night. As far as anyone else is concerned, it was the potency of drunken dwarf sweat that put that scorpion down.” He laughed and took a deep drink of his ale. Deciding he wanted another toast, he raised his mug again. “Let’s drink to the poor fallen scorpion who made me a legend that night.”

\---

He grinned and struck their mugs together, a little too hard this time and spilling some onto the table. That made him laugh again, but he took a deep drink. “Going to need some more of this, I think.” He didn’t have anywhere to be and if the dwarf would let him, he’d like to stay for a while still.

\---

He finished his ale after their toast and laughed along with Anders when it sloshed onto the table. “Me too, Blondie. Me too.” He hopped up from his chair and went to his shelves, looking over the bottles he kept there. “Want some of that mead we had last time? Or we could switch to whiskey or rum. I even have this nice spiced rum that Rivaini gave me…”

\---

“Oh, let’s do the rum then.” He pushed his mug over towards where the dwarf usually sat, figuring he’d fill him up. “Want to play a drinking game? We haven’t done those in a while, have we?” They’d really only played a drinking game once and while it was usually fun with more people, he had all of the time in the world to get sloshed tonight.

\---

“A Warden versus a dwarf. That could be interesting.” He smirked as he brought over the bottle. “You’re on. But no scorpions, yeah?” He filled their mugs with the rum, then took his seat again. “The rum is best chilled. Do you mind?” He wiggled his fingers by the cups to demonstrate what the wanted Anders to do.

\---

“Have to make use of it for something, don’t I?” He reached for the mugs and after taking hold of it, frost began to appear around them, stretching out from his hand until the entire bottle was engulfed it in. Then he pulled his hand back. “All done.” As such, he was eager to give it a try and he lifted it to his lips to take a sip.

\---

“Much better.” He took a sip of his rum as well - they had to keep the game fair, after all. “So what kind of drinking game do you want to play tonight? Know any good ones?” He was all for learning new games if the mage had any.

\---

“I know a pretty simple one. It’s called Higher or Lower. Give me your deck of cards.” It wasn’t the most thrilling game in the world, but there wasn’t much they could do with just the two of them and knowing Varric, he could probably find some way to game the system.

\---

He pulled out a deck of cards he kept on him at all times - not one of his better ones, frayed and a bit warped from many uses and many travels. “Show me your game, Blondie.” Simple was good, since they’d already been drinking a little. And it likely wouldn’t involve daggers, which made it a safer game than many he knew as well.

\---

He took the deck from him and gave it a few shuffles. When he was done, he flipped over a card on the table. “Okay Varric, will the next card be higher or lower?” The card in question was an 8, so it had a decent chance of going either way.

\---

“Lower.” He was very familiar with the ‘character’ of this beat up deck and he had a good feeling he knew what the next card was. He watched the mage with eager curiosity, wanting to know how much more there was to this game. If it was simply guessing the next card, Anders was in a lot of trouble.

\---

He flipped the card and sure enough, it was a 4. He took a sip of his drink and then nodded, telling him to guess what the next card would be. It was a pretty simple game, but it was an entertaining way to drink all the same.

\---

“Easy enough.” He liked a simple drinking game. Sometimes they were too complicated and the rules all went to shit the more drunk everyone got. He guessed the next two pretty confidently, getting the mage drinking steady. But the third one, he really didn’t know. He couldn’t give his game away though and so he guessed higher with no more hesitation than he’d given the other cards, knowing he had a genuinely good chance of being wrong that time.

\---

When he flipped over that card, he was relieved to see that the card was lower. “Finally. Drink up.” He’d started to get a little suspicious, though he knew that it really wasn’t that hard to figure out if a card would be lower or higher, unless the card in question was somewhere in the middle. He waited with a little smirk, wondering how he would continue to fair.

\---

“Lady luck can’t be with me all the time.” He took a hearty sip, wanting to enjoy the rum while it was still cold, but wanting to win even more. “Come on, Blondie. I need to get you good and drunk. Next card is higher.” This time he felt relatively confident about it, though it wasn’t one he recognized for sure.

\---

Of course, he was right. By the time they finished the deck, Anders was halfway through his second mug of the rum. He rechilled his glass and then shoved the cards over to him. “Okay, your deal.” He felt a lot better about his chances if he was the one guessing, since the dwarf must’ve cheated. He’d done well. Too well.

\---

“You sure you can handle much more, Blondie? You’ve had quite a bit.” He took his cards back, giving them a thorough, practiced shuffle. He knew they’d likely both be drinking quite a bit with Anders guessing, but the mage had already had much more than he had. He’d refrain from using any sleight of hand to turn this round in his favor - he didn’t want him to pass out on his floor, after all.

\---

“I have to make sure you drink as much as I do.” He tapped on the table insistently. “Go on, then. You’ll see.” It made sense to him, anyway.

\---

“Alright, let’s do this.” He set the cards down, then flipped the first card up on the table. It was a 4, so there was a good chance he’d be taking the drink this time. It would at least give Anders a break from all the drinks he’d had to take in their first round.

\---

“Higher,” he said confidently, gesturing at him to flip the card. He wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine. It wasn’t that the dwarf hadn’t taken any drinks last round, but he’d certainly taken far fewer than he’d had to himself.

\---

It was no surprise that Anders was right. “Lucky start.” He snorted and grabbed his mug, taking a drink. He had a feeling he’d be taking a fair amount this time and at least the rum was delicious. “Let’s see if your luck keeps up.”

\---

As they continued on, Anders was pretty good at guessing either way, but he still had to take drinks from time to time. As he consumed more, he was feeling confident about a king on the board. “Lower.” When the card was flipped however, it was an ace and his eyes widened. “What!?” His arms flailed and he knocked over the mug completely, pouring what was left - about a quarter of its contents - out on the table. “Shit!” He rose to his feet as it began to spill over the edge of the table, a little landing in his lap.

\---

The dwarf laughed and in his haste to get his cards safely away from the spreading pool of rum, he nearly knocked his own mug over as well. “I know! I thought you had that one too!” That was a lie, he knew his aces in this deck very well. He didn’t seem concerned about the spill, walking with a bit of a stagger to his step to grab a towel to start sopping up the spilled rum.

\---

“You’re cheating,” he finally declared. “Just like you cheated in your scorpion game. You’re _cheating!_ ” He pointed at him, finger full of accusation, even as he cleaned up his mess. “You just wanted to win and get me drunk.” He was definitely there. He was drunk.

\---

“You got me there. I did want to win and get you drunk. But no scorpions died in the process today, so it was a good game anyway.” He tossed a cloth to Anders. “You’ve got a little, uh…” He gestured toward the damp spot on the front of his robes where the rum had spilled.

\---

“Cheater.” He took the cloth and began to haphazardly blot at the fabric. “You have to finish your mug since you cheated.” He put his hands on his hips and waited expectantly.

\---

“All of it? Right now?” He asked with his brows raised. There wasn’t much left and games had made him chug down harder liquor than this rum. But he wanted to make sure Anders felt like it would be a proper challenge for him to make up for his cheating.

\---

“Right now.” He gave a firm nod. He just wanted to make sure the dwarf had had as much as he had by the end of this. “Go on. All of it, right now.”

\---

“So demanding, Blondie.” He brought the mug to his lips and threw his head back, swallowing down what was left in big gulps. His throat was burning by the end and when he slammed his mug down on the table to signal that he was done, the room was beginning to spin a little. “Remind me to thank Rivaini again for that. That’s some good shit.”

\---

He gave a satisfied smile and when he finished, he even went so far as to cheer him on. Drinks taken care of, he returned to blotting at his robes and nodded. “Definitely, it’s really good. I bet Hawke would like some too. You should get a bottle for me from her. I’d ask her for some myself, but I can’t.”

\---

“Sure you can. You don’t have to be scared to talk to her. If he wants you two to stay out of each other’s bedrooms, whatever. But her feelings will be hurt if you just never speak to her again. Hawke’s gotta understand that.” He tossed the towel he’d used to clean up the mess into a basket he kept nearby for dirty clothes, nearly missing in his current state.

\--

“I can’t, he doesn’t trust me.” He definitely would not be saying that if he was anywhere close to sober, but his filter always did have a tendency of coming off after he drank too much. “Just ask her for me, okay?”

\---

“I’ll ask for you, don’t worry. But you two can still be friends.” He sighed softly. “I know he doesn’t trust easy. And I know why he feels like he has to be in control of people he cares about.” Though sometimes it seemed he felt the need to be in control of everyone, depending on the day. “But I really think it’ll get better with time.”

\---

“Good, thanks Varric.” He beamed at him, setting the cloth down when he was done. He wasn’t really acknowledging what he had to say about being friends with Isabela. He’d like to be her friend in so much as he’d like to be able to talk to her and hang out with her from time to time if they were both free. Fenris loathed him and Aveline didn’t trust him, so that didn’t leave much in the way of forming bonds with the group.

Hawke and Varric was all he really had without Isabela. He supposed it wasn’t really important, but he’d like to be on good terms with people if he was going to have to be dealing with them frequently.

His expression faded a little as he went on, though, and after just absorbing it, he gave a vague nod. “I think I should go.” He’d had a good day and he didn’t want to make it worse by thinking about all that and he had a feeling that Hawke would be angry he if knew all that he’d been doing here.

\---

“Not a problem, Blondie. I can walk you home if you’ve had too much to drink. I have to make sure you get down the hall safely.” Not that had was any more sober. He gave him a smirk, his cheeks flush with alcohol. “I was glad to have you over. Don’t forget to take that templar patrol schedule with you, okay?”

\---

He patted his pocket. “I have it.” He started towards the door and when he reached it, he waved a hand in his direction. “I’m okay. It’s just down the hall, I can make it. You go to bed, okay? Drink a lot of water when you wake up, it’ll help.” He opened the door and began to stumble out of the room.

\---

“I will. You follow your own healer’s orders too, got it?” He chuckled and waved to Anders on his way out. He was glad to have had the evening with him, knowing Anders didn’t see many people when he wasn’t with Hawke these days. He looked forward to undressing and getting to bed, knowing he’d sleep well with so much alcohol in his system.

\---

“Goodnight.” The door shut and then Anders was on the way to his own room. He fumbled with the key a bit, but managed to open it and step inside. From there, he struggled to remove his robes and then flopped down onto the bed, remaining where he landed and pulling a pillow in to rest beneath his cheek. It smelled like Hawke and he smiled, his eyes shutting and falling fast asleep in no time.


	13. Chapter 13

Things went rather smoothly over the next couple months. Hawke didn't have to worry about Anders being alone with Isabela - his lover seemed to avoid her if they weren't in a group setting. He'd been sleeping with Anders in the tavern every night anyway and so they made it official - Hawke took on paying half of the rent and moved all of his things in. It wasn't as if he had much, but it still felt nice to get out from under his uncle's nagging.

The only issue had become Anders’ late nights at the clinic. Hawke went over sometimes - to help but also to make sure that was really all that the mage was doing. But most nights, he sat around alone until he came home. He'd talked to him about it and he was told he would try to close before dusk. It had worked for a while, but this was the second night this week that Anders had strolled in long after dark. Hawke had dinner ready for him, but he scowled at his lover while he ate. “Other clinics have business hours, Anders. They like to come home to their loved ones at a reasonable time.”

\---

“Other clinics don’t run on donations,” he responded, knowing he was frustrated with him. He tried to close early when he could, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible and if he was busy treating someone and someone else came in, he didn’t feel right turning them away. “I get flooded, Hawke. So many people need help and can’t afford to go to a herbalist or can’t afford to pay what the Circle is charging.”

It was ridiculous what they charged for use of their healers. He remembered a time when he’d been one of them, serving the wealthy, and then only if there was time and motivation, occasionally helping out the desperate. He knew their arguments - not enough healers and not enough resources… It was true to a degree, but it was ridiculous that they didn’t try do more. Prayers only helped so much.

“It would help if there was another healer around, but even if there was… most people don’t work for free.” He didn’t strictly work for free, as he did accept all donations, big and small, but he never demanded payment. If he did that, half of the people he helped wouldn’t be able to get the care they needed and the longer he was here, the more he felt obligated to help.

“I’m trying, Hawke. I came home early yesterday, didn’t I?”

\---

“Working for free is all the more reason you should have an official closing time. They can get by until the next morning. They did for a long time before you came to Kirkwall.” Hawke shook his head. “They have to be respectful of your time and your personal life. Sure, you were early yesterday, but you were hours late tonight. I just want to have time with you, Anders. I have to leave at dawn to help an elven mage, I scarcely saw you today.”

\---

“I do have an official closing time… it’s just later than you would like.” The longer he kept his doors open, the better the next day was. The better everyone was. It allowed him to treat people sooner and prevent them from worsening, which was harder for everyone involved.

“As it is, I close the clinic all of the time. I’m out with you all of the time. We spend time together, love, but we’re both busy men.” Honestly, he didn’t think he opened it enough. He was often out with Hawke and when he didn’t put enough time into the clinic, he ended up with more sick and injured on his hands.

The mention of a mage seemed to get his attention. “I know days like today are unfortunate, but they don’t happen all that often.”  He shifted in his seat. “You didn’t tell me about a mage - what’s going on?”

\---

“There's a reason I didn't tell you. I don't want you anywhere near the Gallows. Or slavers for that matter.” He stood from his seat, turning to face the fireplace and folding his arms over his chest. “I told you now because I want you to know that my reason for leaving early tomorrow is to make Kirkwall safer for you and everyone you care about. The reason I'm going without you is to keep you safe. But when I'm not out doing things like this, I want to spend my time with you. Dusk is not an unreasonable closing time, Anders.”

\---

His expression turned unreadable. ...He would not be mentioning what he did with Varric. He knew it would upset him if he found out, but it would upset him regardless, so he wasn’t going to risk that argument. “Hawke, if you’re doing something like that, that’s when I need to be with you to help. More time than any other.” He was happy to help him with anything he needed, but if Hawke was doing something like that _for_ him, then he needed to be there.

“Look. I want to spend time with you too. I will keep trying to close it at dusk, but some nights it’s just not possible. I’m sorry. I will do what I can, just try to be understanding when I can’t?

\---

“No. I can take you along when it's a stealthier mission. But I'm not going to parade you around the Knight Commander or slavers. It's too dangerous for you.” He sighed heavily. “So you want to close your clinic to go help this mage, but you couldn't close tonight to be home for dinner? I've heard you say you'll try, Anders. It's not enough. If that's where you'd rather be, just go.”

\---

“You’re not parading me around and you know it. Helping them, especially if you and the others are with me, is probably less dangerous than just working in the clinic.” They could find him there at any moment. With the right lead, they could burst in and drag him all the way up to Hightown in chains. “And I don’t know why you’re worried about slavers… why would they want anything to do with me?”

He didn’t know what he meant by ‘just go’, but he was assuming he was talking about the next day. To just go and stay as long as he needed. “It’s not where I’d rather be, but it’s something that I have to do… it’s my job.” Sure, he could abandon it completely and just work with Hawke - call that his job like everyone else did - but he’d accomplished so much in the time he’d earned his title as ‘the Healer’. It would feel wrong to leave all the people who depended on him behind.

This city was a mess and he was needed.

“Come on, love, you know how important all of this is to me.” He moved up to him, wrapping his arms around him from behind.

\---

“No.” He broke out of his arms quickly and stepped away from him. “Apparently you don't know how valuable a healer is in Tevinter. I'm keeping you out of this to protect you. I'm fine with you having a job. I'm proud of what you do. But I'm not fine with you keeping your doors open late at night to cure every hiccup and skinned knee that shows up. If it means that much to you, go back tonight. Sleep there like you used to so you don't miss any business. Or go spend the night with Isabela. Maybe she's more worth your time.”

\---

His expression slowly turned incredulous. He’d somehow managed to bring Isabela into this… despite it having nothing to do with her. “What are you _talking_ about?!” He couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. “I thought we put that behind us? That has nothing to do with it, so why are you bringing her up _again?!_ ”

\---

“She won't care how often you come home on time to see her. But I love you and it matters to me.” He kept his back to him, anger sharpening his own voice. “I need to be alone tonight, just go. It's not like you care to be here anyway.”

\---

He was completely at a loss, finally understanding that he was kicking him out. He couldn’t believe it and he just stared at him, not able to summon the words for what was coming out of his mouth. It didn’t make sense. If he wanted to be with him so badly, why would he be asking him to leave? Why would he accuse him of not wanting to be here when he’d made it quite clear that he did? He wanted to be here, he just couldn’t sometimes and all he was asking was for some understanding.

“This has nothing to do with Isabela. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t accuse me of wanting to cheat on you with her every chance that you get.” His voice was forced into steadiness, but the control had had over it seemed to be cracked at the foundation.

\---

“I accused you of nothing. I just made a suggestion since you don't want to make seeing me a priority. I can't talk to you about this right now, Anders. I'm stressed. I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and all I wanted was to have dinner with you.” Rarely did he admit to taking too much on. He piled the needs of everyone he spoke to onto himself and took it in stride. It usually felt like he could handle it all, but some nights, like tonight, it was too much and his frustration with Anders pushed him over the edge. “I need you to go.”

\---

“I know you have a lot on your plate, but so do I. Your life doesn’t revolve around me either, Hawke, so why can’t you just be more understanding about what I have to deal with? I’m not staying late for ‘hiccups’ and ‘skinned knees’. Do you know how many people would’ve died if I hadn’t been there to help him?” Sure, it wasn’t always life and death, but sometimes it was and he’d saved a lot of people, even if only in small ways.

“I’m not leaving. This is _our_ place and we need to be able to talk these things out.”

\---

“I _know_ you save people. I know you're needed. But you're not staying late to save a life every time.” He was getting increasingly agitated, his voice growing tighter by the moment. “I'm not talking anything out tonight. Just stay somewhere else for a night. Go to the clinic, go to Varric’s room, go stay with my family. Just. Go.”

\---

He couldn’t believe it. He would make him stay with his family… rather than go there himself. “You’re unbelievable.” He shook his head to himself, grabbed his staff, and stormed out of the room. The door shut harder than he’d intended, even as frustrated as he was, but rather than to go to any of those places, he just went down to the bar.

He’d have a drink, let an hour go by, then try again.

\---

Isabela was down in the bar and when she saw the look on Anders’ face, she knew there was trouble. Her eyes were soft when she approached him, knowing he wouldn't be in any mood for her mischief. “You look like you've had a long day, Handsome. Why don't I round up the dwarf and we can all have a drink?” She knew he couldn't be around her alone, but she also knew that Varric was home, having turned in early since he was attending the mission the next morning.

\---

He tensed when Isabela approached him, that being the last thing he needed. “I’m fine,” he replied, all prickles. He couldn’t talk to her and he really couldn’t talk to her if Hawke was just upstairs - who knew if he’d decide to change his mind and seek him out. All he’d have to do is come downstairs to see them together and then everything would really boil over.

“I just need some space.” He moved away from her to get the drink he’d be nursing until it was time to go try to fix things.

\---

The pirate watched him go, a frown on her lips. She wouldn't pursue him, not with things the way the were between them. She ordered a drink for herself, then took her seat near a man that caught her eye, deciding she'd flirt with him but try to keep an eye on the mage.

\---

When it felt like it’d been long enough and he’d finished his drink, he made his way back upstairs. He figured it had been long enough for him to think things over and if nothing else, they could at least stay in the room together. He tapped on  the door to warn him before opening it and standing in the doorway.

“...Can I come in now?”

\---

Hawke was in bed, curled up tightly with the blankets up to his chin. He'd tensed a little at the tap on the door. “No. I'm not talking about this tonight. Go.” His voice was raw and angry, his back to the mage.

\---

He was quiet for a while, as if waiting for him to change his mind. When he didn’t, he sighed.  “Hawke, really? You’re going to kick me out of my own room? Our room?”

\---

“It's my room too. You've got other places to stay. I have to be here to meet up with Varric before sunrise.” His voice was beginning to rise, but he still wouldn't face him. “Go.”

\---

“I know it is and I wouldn’t kick you out if it.” He could hear the building anger in his voice and it just wasn’t worth it. If he lingered any longer, this was going to go somewhere he didn’t want it to. There was more he wanted to say, but he refrained, shutting the door. This time mechanism clicked into place quietly, but he didn’t move. He didn’t know where to go.

The only viable option he’d been given was the clinic, but going there seemed like it somehow proved his point. He didn’t know how, but somehow. He didn’t want to make it a place of punishment and as such, he found himself just walking to the opposite side of the hall, across from their door, and just sinking down the wall. He pulled his knees in and buried his head into his arms, resigning himself to sleeping out here tonight.

\---

It was late when Isabela made her way upstairs, the man she'd been toying with on her arm. She stopped when she saw the mage sitting curled up as he was in the hallway, her heart sinking. “You go into my room and start getting those clothes off. I'll be there in a second.” She opened her door for him and swatted his ass with her palm on his way by. She'd kept her voice down and when she looked to Anders again, she really didn't know if he was sleeping. Instead of moving any closer, she went to Varric's door, tapping quietly but insistently until a tired, half-dressed dwarf answered.

“What happened?” Varric asked groggily, knowing the pirate wouldn't wake him in the small hours if it wasn't important.

Isabela pointed toward Anders, making the dwarf lean his head out to see the man on the floor. “He looked miserable when I saw him alone earlier tonight. Now I came up and found this. I've got to make myself scarce so it's all you.” She kissed the top of his head, then went back to her own room to have her fun. At a low volume, for everyone's sake that night.

Varric straightened his trousers and rubbed at his eyes, then made his way softly over to the mage down the hall. If he was asleep, he didn't want to startle him. “Hey, Blondie. Why don't you come with me for a little while?”

\---

Anders wasn’t really asleep, but he did startle at the sound of the voice. His head shot up and he saw the dwarf standing there, clearly tired. The mortification hit him fast and hard, so embarrassed to be discovered like this, though it wasn’t a surprise considering who his neighbors were. It was so humiliating that tears welled in his eyes, but he quickly forced them back down, shaking his head quickly.

“Oh no, I’m fine, I was just… I just… I forgot my key and I couldn’t get in the room. It’s okay, I’ll just wait for Hawke.” It was complete bullshit, but it was the only thing he could think to say.

\---

“Can you come with me? Pretty please? I've got a problem I need you to look at for me and it's a little embarrassing.” He was thinking on his feet and though it was somewhat true, it was mostly an excuse to get Anders into his room. “We don't have to sit out in the hallway to talk about it, right?”

\---

He knew what he was doing. There was no reason he would’ve left his room in the middle of the night to get him, unless it was serious. It was an excuse, though, and if he had an excuse, he didn’t have to admit why he was out here. “...Alright.” He braced himself against the wall to push himself up and with a glance at his room, began to make his way to the dwarf’s door.

\---

“Thanks, Blondie. I really appreciate it.” He took Anders to his room and closed the door behind them. He gestured for the mage to set his staff against the wall. He may as well get comfortable.

\---

He leaned his staff against the wall near the door and moved in, though he didn’t move to sit. “So what’s your problem?” Maybe he actually had one and this was convenient for both of them.

\---

Varric went to sit on his bed and he patted the mattress for Anders to sit beside him. “I’ve been having this pain keeping me up at night.” It was a very mild thing, nothing he would have actually brought to the healer’s attention, even if it did disturb his sleep. But it was his excuse to get him in his room. “I thought it was just heartburn, but it’s getting a lot worse with laying down. It woke me up tonight.” Not true, Isabela had. But it had kept him awake longer than he would have liked when he was going to sleep.

\---

He nodded, moving closer and sitting down beside him. “Alright, let’s take a look.” He set a hand on the middle of his chest, shutting his eyes and sending his magic into him. A slight frown pulled at his lips and when he opened them, giving him a smile that said he knew what was wrong. “Well, I’m glad that you came to me. A little problem with your heart, but nothing I can’t fix.” He was actually really glad that he’d come to him, since it was something that could’ve gotten worse with time if left untreated.

\---

“Really, something wrong with the old ticker? And here I thought I was just a broken-hearted wordsmith in a poetic way, not literally.” He was surprised that it wasn’t just some acid reflux, so it was a good thing he’d used this excuse to get Anders out of the hall. “I’m glad you came to take a look at it.”

\---

Anders chuckled, replying wistfully, “So romantic.” He slid his hand over his heart and pushed a wave of healing magic into it. When he finished mending it, he checked over his work and then let his hand fall. “So now how are you going to write? Since I fixed your broken heart and all?”

\---

“I think I’ve got enough leftover heartache to keep my career going.” He smiled and patted the healer’s arm. “Thanks, Blondie. I owe you one. For starters, why don’t you stay for the rest of the night? It’s a comfortable bed and I’ve been sleeping in a chair lately to help with the chest pain anyway.”

\---

“That much, huh?” His smile endured the offer, though it did turn a little uncomfortable. It was better than the hall and obviously Varric knew something was up, even if he was being kind enough to pretend otherwise. Rejecting his offer would just make for an unnecessarily uncomfortable night and… it _was_ one of the options that Hawke had given him.

He couldn’t be angry at him about it.

“Yeah, I suppose I could do that. Hawke must be busy… something probably came up with Leandra or Bethany.” He said this under his breath, as if not wanting him to hear what he had to say about his made up story. As if Varric couldn’t pick the lock and let him into the room if that was really the problem.

\---

“Probably so.” He grabbed a pillow and fur from his bed, taking it over to his table. He set two chairs up to face each other so he could recline and put his feet up. Clearly he hadn’t been sleeping this way before he’d gone to get Anders. “Make yourself at home. I have to do a job with your man by morning, but you can stay as long as you want to, okay?”

\---

“Thanks.” He felt bad about taking his bed from him, but Varric would probably sleep a lot more comfortably in the chairs than he could. He pulled off his coat and his outer robe, folding them up and setting them aside. He eased back onto the furs and then lifted his brows. They felt really good on his skin and as he rolled to his side to get comfortable, he found that the bed was far nicer than even the one he shared with Hawke.

“Goodnight, Varric,” he sighed, letting out a long breath and then settling.

\---

“Gnight, Blondie.” He folded his hands over his chest and closed his eyes. He wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he was satisfied that he’d gotten the mage out of the hall. Comfortable or not, he needed the rest and it wasn’t long before his soft snores were filling the room.

\---

It was painfully early when the knock came at his door. The knock he recognized in an instant. The dwarf woke quickly and pushed his way up out of the chairs, rubbing at his eyes and yawning when he went to the door. “Sorry, Hawke. Just give me a minute to get dressed and I’ll be ready to go.”

Hawke nodded and looked further into the room, seeing his lover asleep in the dwarf’s bed. He smiled a little - Anders had found a safe place to stay for the night. And one he didn’t need to worry about, considering that he’d only ever seen Varric’s eyes linger on women. “Get your jacket and Bianca then. We need to get moving.”

\---

The sound of the familiar knock was enough to rouse him. His eyes cracked open and for a moment, he forgot where he was. He started to push himself up, but when he heard the voices and realized what was happening, he eased back down. He felt a spike of anxiety, as if expecting Hawke to storm in and demand what he was doing here, despite the permission he was given the night before.

Maybe he should’ve rejected the bed.

When he turned over and fixed his eyes on him, he saw that he was looking at him and that his expression was… warm? It was confusing and he didn’t know what to make of it, but he pushed himself up for real this time, hand lifting to scratch at the back of his neck. He didn’t know if he ought to say something or not, but with Varric in the room, he decided not to risk it, remaining silent.

\---

“You’re awake. Come here, Anders. Let’s have a word while Varric gets ready.” His tone was firm, but soft. Nothing like the sharp, tense voice he’d spoken with the night before.

Varric gave Hawke a long look. He meant to talk to him about the night before, but certainly not in front of Anders. He didn’t sense any hostility in the rogue now and so he went about his business, moving to his clothes to start pulling himself together.

\---

He did as he was told, rising to his feet and moving to him. He grabbed his clothes and his staff as he went, knowing that he probably wouldn’t be returning to the room. He figured he would want to speak to him outside in the hall, so he tried to slip out past him, not wanting his business on display anymore than his boyfriend did.

He didn’t know what the dwarf was thinking and he didn’t want to.

\---

Hawke closed the door when Anders was out in the hallway with him and when they were alone, he looked to him solemnly. “I’m glad you stayed with Varric last night. I really didn’t want you out walking to the clinic in the middle of the night alone. I wasn’t thinking.” He moved in to touch his cheek gingerly with his hand. “I’m sorry about last night. I was just stressed and I really wanted to see you. I shouldn’t have sent you away.” He wanted him home on time tonight. He wanted to give him a chance to right this wrong.

\---

He was frowning, but he leaned into the touch and shut his eyes. He nuzzled into his palm, finding that it made him feel a lot better about everything to have that contact and while listening to him talk about his regrets. “...It’s okay, just please don’t do it again.” He opened his eyes, looking up at him with the hurt he’d given him. “It was humiliating.”

\---

“I’m sorry.” It felt good to touch him again and he leaned in to peck his lips. “I’m going to go help that mage, alright? You can finish sleeping in our bed. I still want to keep you far away from the Gallows, but I’ll tell you all about it tonight. Okay?”

\---

He didn’t like it, but he knew arguing wouldn’t help. Hawke wanted to help the way he felt was best… He’d take it. It meant something to him that he wanted to help at all. He would continue what he was doing on his own and in some abstract way, that meant they were working together. It would have to be enough for him.

“Okay,” he agreed, his voice quiet.

\---

“Go get some more rest. I’ll be home in time for dinner. I’ll see you whenever you can get home…” Hopefully Anders had gotten the message. Hopefully he’d make an effort to be home on time after last night. “I’ll be up against a rough group today so I might need you when we get back.” He added as an afterthought. Maybe keeping Anders worried about him all day would inspire him to get home sooner as well.

\---

He wasn’t sure what that meant, since he hadn’t told him anything he would be doing, apart from it involving a mage. “Okay, I’ll see you later.” He gave him a smile, a little forced, but leaned into him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him. He loved him. Even after all of this, he loved him and he just wanted everything to fall into place and stay there.

\---

He wrapped his arms around him as well, glad to hold him. He was pissed at him the night before, but now he missed him. He just wanted him to do better. To come home on time so they could see each other. “I love you. I’ll see you tonight.”

\---

“I love you too.” He pulled back from him and with a final look, made his way to their room. He’d apologize to Varric for not saying goodbye later, but for now he wanted to just rest. He let himself in, locked the door behind him, and then dropped onto their bed. He wasn’t sure how quickly he’d be able to get back to sleep, but he’d try before greeting the day properly.

\---

It wasn’t long before Varric emerged, looking far more awake and ready to face their foes. “You ready?” He asked, though he glanced down the hall. There was no sign of Anders but he’d heard the door, so hopefully he was resting in their room.

“Been ready.” Hawke said and lead the way out. Pickles had been let out to meet them and he was waiting faithfully just outside the tavern. He greeted his mabari with a fond scratch of his ears, then started for Fenris’ mansion.

It was only when they were nearing the elf’s dwelling the the dwarf spoke up. “Hawke, do you want to talk about last night? I didn’t want to ask Blondie, but he was pretty upset. Are things going okay?”

“Everything is fine. Thanks for giving him a place to crash last night.” Hawke continued along without looking down to Varric. It seemed he wasn’t going to speak any further on the matter.

Varric gave it a beat and when it seemed he really did expect the topic to die, he went on. “Of course I gave him a place to stay. But it didn’t really solve whatever the problem is, did it? We’re all very supportive of you guys and if it’s not me you want to talk to, then you could -”

“There’s nothing to discuss with anyone. It’s nobody else’s business and we’ve worked it out.” He snapped, finally looking down to his comrade with a glare. Varric held his gaze for a moment, his disapproval evident on his face. But he let it go at that, keeping silent for the rest of the walk to the mansion.


	14. Chapter 14

When Anders arrived home that night, it was an hour before dusk. He didn’t want to think about it as giving into Hawke’s demands, but he knew he was. He’d have liked to stay later, but he shut and locked the doors against his better judgement. Sure enough, on the way home, he was stopped by a man that had been heading to the clinic to meet him with a broken wrist. He stopped to heal him and then continued on, making his way to Lowtown and bar.

When he stepped into the room, he expected to see Hawke there, so he was surprised that he was nowhere to be seen. He had to be nearby, though, because he could see his armor and daggers laying on the ground, still covered in blood. He assumed he was cleaning up so it took it upon himself to start cleaning up his gear for him, washing and scrubbing it until was gleaming and then drying it off so none of it would rust.

\---

It wasn’t much longer before Hawke returned to their room, wearing trousers but bare chested. He looked a bit pale and he had some bandaging down his back that was wet from his bath, but all in all, he looked alright. He smiled to see Anders, home and tending to his gear. “You’re back…” He murmured, sounding as pleased about it as he looked.

\---

“So are you.” He set the armor aside and rose up to greet him. “Are you alright?” He’d figured that most of the blood was someone else’s, but he’d seen what seemed to be a bit on the underside of his armor. It would have been a lot easier to take care of him if he could’ve gone, but he wasn’t going to say that.

\---

“Better now that you’re here.” He moved to him, wrapping his arms around him, his skin still a little damp and warm from the bathwater. “I’m sorry about last night.” He said softly, closing his eyes and breathing in his scent. He’d missed him.

\---

He hadn’t expected him to apologize again, so it actually warmed him a lot to hear it. “It’s okay.” He pressed close to him, letting him take some of his weight. “You didn’t mean it.” He had and he knew it, but he wanted to believe that he didn’t mean to kick him out like that.

“Let’s fix you up and then we can start dinner.”

\---

“I need to go sit down.” It had been a long day and the slavers had put up a hard fight. He just wanted to rest and enjoy his mage since he’d come home as he was asked to. He took Anders by the hand and guided him over to their bed, sitting down on the edge of it.

\---

“I’ll start dinner then.” He could just rest for the rest of the night. He sat down beside him and began to tend to his wounds, as he usually did whenever he came home to find him roughed up. “Is there anything in particular you want?” he asked absently, making sure he was healing everything.

\---

The worst of the wounds was the one Fenris had bandaged on his back - a sword that had gotten into his armor and cut down down his spine. Fortunately for him, it wasn’t deep and it hadn’t hit anything important. He closed his eyes, serene as he always was under his healing hands. “Something simple. Chicken and rice would be fine.”

\---

He didn’t really like what he found. Nothing dangerous, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t have been. “Alright, that’s what I’ll make then.” When he was done, he ran a hand down his front, just touching him. “Love you.” He leaned in to press a kiss to his lips, then got up to set about making the meal for them.

\---

“I love you too.” He was so pleased with him this evening and he watched him with fond eyes as he went to cook their dinner. Hawke propped himself to sit up with pillows, not wanting to lie down until after he’d eaten. “We made a lot of coin today. I know we need to save most of it,” and some of it would be going to his family, of course, “but maybe we can splurge a little.”

\---

He was finding that all of this was a lot easier if he just let it go. Everything felt normal if he just forgave him and moved on.  “Is there something you wanted to buy?” He didn’t care what Hawke did with his coin - he wasn’t going to try to control it. Since he hadn’t gone, it wasn’t really his say what he did with it, as he hadn’t earned a cut.

\---

“I don't know. Maybe we could have a fancy dinner. Or buy some softer sheets or better chairs. Is there anything you want?” He was pleased with Anders, tending to him the way he was, and he wouldn't mind getting something the mage wanted.

\---

“...I suppose softer sheets would be nice.” He was thinking about his night spent on Varric’s bed. Softer sheets wouldn’t be the same as sleeping on a pile of furs, but it would be nice to have something more comfortable to sleep on, wouldn’t it?

\---

“Sheets it is. We'll have to break them in properly, though.” They'd certainly done a number on these sheets. “We can go look at them tomorrow before you go to the clinic if you want to.”

\---

“Alright. While we’re out, we can pick up some more food from the market as well.” It was a some time later that he finished preparing the chicken and rice. He plated it for them and then carried them over to him, offering him one to take. He sat down on the edge of the bed himself, figuring they’d just eat as they were.

\---

“Thank you.” He took the plate and started into it, needing something warm in his stomach after a long day. “You know how much I love you, don't you?” Even if he got frustrated with him once in awhile. He needed him to know how deeply he cared for him.

\---

“I know.” Really, he wasn’t sure how much Hawke loved him. He knew that he did, he didn’t think he would say it if he didn’t mean it, but he really didn’t know how far it went. The way he got sometimes… he just didn’t know. He took a bite of his own meal, finding that it did hit the spot.

\---

Hawke made quick work of his dinner, then set his plate aside. He draped an arm around his lover while he finished eating. “I might just take tomorrow off. I have plenty to do, but I think a day of rest would help my mood. I know I can be hard to live with.” Their relationship was young and he didn't want his temper to mess things up. He wanted Anders to be happy with him.

\---

His lips quirked. “A little.” He leaned into him, finishing up his own plate and then setting it on top of Hawke’s. “I think you should. It would be good for you to rest your body. I know all of my healing makes it easier to keep going, but it’s still important to give yourself a break to recuperate from time to time.”

\---

“I never think about recuperating. I'm spoiled to your healing. I used to have to fight day in and day out without any. Now it feels amazing to walk into battle the next day feeling like today's wounds never even happened.” He had scars and some poorly healed old fractures from those days, but now he could get banged up and Anders would see to it that he didn't have so much as a bruise.

\---

He smiled. “I can’t remember the last time I had a wound for more than a few hours.” Sometimes if he was injured but needed to reserve his mana for others, he would ignore his own wounds, but he never left himself unhealed. It was why his body was entirely free of scars, apart from those that had been forced on him. “I’ve been patching myself up since I was a boy.”

He’d experienced a lot of pain in his life, but he knew his experience was a lot different from those around him.

“Still, as great as magic and potions are, sometimes rest is the best medicine.”

\---

“I have to listen to my healer’s orders. If you say rest is what my body needs, I'll take the day off tomorrow. Everyone's requests can wait one more day.” He kissed his cheek, draping his other arm around him as well since he'd finished eating.

\---

He leaned into him, sliding his arms around him in return. “Good.” He turned his face to find his lips, kissing him there in response. “You’ll get your exercise when we go to the market in the morning.” After… Well, they would see what happened after that. He didn’t want to plan for anything, thinking it best to play it by ear.

\---

“Are you sure I can't get a little exercise tonight?” He stole a kiss from him in return. “It wouldn't be too much exertion if you took me…” They'd had a bad night yesterday and long day of battle or not, he was looking forward to the make-up sex.

\---

He pulled back a little to meet his gaze. “You don’t think I could exert you?” He brought a hand up to brush his fingers along his jaw, feeling the rough texture of his beard. “You don’t think I could make it hard to breathe? You don’t think I could make your muscles weak?” His voice went lower the longer he went on. He leaned back in to nip his lip, the hand sliding down his front and finding him. Squeezing.

\---

“It might be just what I need to rest tonight…” He smiled at the nip and parted his thighs when he was squeezed. He wanted him and the twitch of interest in his cock showed how eager it was to wake for him. It took nothing at all for Anders to get him hard. “If you do manage to wear me out, I'll sleep better…”

\---

“Then let me help you sleep better,” he purred, pushing him to his back and crawling over him. He kept his hand between his legs, rubbing him firmly, all the while pressing a demanding kiss to his lips. He was in control and he would keep it that way tonight. As the rogue didn’t object to him doing this his way, it would be a good night for both of them.


	15. Chapter 15

A month later, the talk about going to the Deep Roads was becoming more frequent and more serious amongst the group. Leandra didn't get quite as much information with her oldest son out of the house, but she heard plenty from Bethany. She didn't like any of it and even worse, it seemed both of her living children wanted to go.

She'd been meaning to talk to the mage who'd stolen her boy’s heart for some time and with her anxiety growing about the suicide mission her children were planning, she felt it was best to do it sooner than later. She made her way to the clinic with Pickles at her side - she felt quite capable of taking care of herself, but she knew Garrett would be cross if he caught her walking around Darktown without any protection. She had a covered basket over her arm and she used her free hand to tap on the door of the clinic before peeking inside. “Anders? Are you busy?”

\---

Anders looked up from the patient he was working on, a little boy whose age could’ve been accounted for on a single hand. “...Leandra, is everything okay?” His heart had dropped, imagining all of the terrible things that could have happened to Hawke. They would have had to have been terrible for her to drop in like this, wouldn’t they? She didn’t seem to be worked up, though, and that was the only thing that was keeping him from panicking.

\---

“Everything is fine, really. I don't mean to be a bother. I can come back later if you're occupied.” There wasn't a line of patients at least but she didn't want him to rush in taking care of the boy. Pickles recognized Anders’ scent and voice and he stuck his head in the door, tongue out and tail wagging, but Leandra gave him a stern look and he sat down obediently.

\---

The relief was visible and he let out a breath. “Oh, it’s alright. I was just finishing up.” He turned back to the boy, who was looking between them curiously. “Alright, Jeffrey, next time you hurt yourself, you go tell your mama first. She won’t get mad at you, I promise. She can bring you down to see me - I don’t want you walking around here without her, okay?”

“Okaaay. Thank you, Healer,” the boy replied, opening his arms for a hug.

The mage chuckled and gave him a brief hug, pulling him off of the table and setting him down on his feet. He offered his hand and when it was taken, walked over to the woman waiting by the door. “I just have to walk him home real quick, why don’t you make yourself comfortable? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

\---

“Alright, take your time.” Leandra made her way inside once they'd stepped out. She made quick work of wiping off a table, then set her basket on it. The mabari was at her heels and she plucked a bone from the basket tossing it to him. She pulled up a seat for herself, content to wait for Anders while Pickles found a nice spot to lie down and work on his bone.

\---

It took about ten minutes for him to arrive back at the clinic and when he did, he put out the lantern and shut the door behind him. “Sorry about that.” He made his way over to where she was sitting, his eyes flicking briefly to the basket. “Is something the matter?’ Perhaps she had an issue that she didn’t want her children to know about and if that was the case, he was happy to help her.

\---

“No, nothing is the matter. I've just been meaning to talk to you.” She saw his glance at the basket and she pulled the blanket from the top of it. She had neatly wrapped sandwiches, a fruit salad, and a few muffins inside. “Have you had your lunch yet? I was thinking we could eat together. In here or if you'd like to get out for a little while, it's a nice day for a picnic.”

\---

He was taken aback. That was about the last thing he would’ve expected, but it was a pleasant surprise and he smiled. “We can go somewhere, if you like.” He didn’t know what she wanted to talk about, though he knew who it was probably about, but if she was seeking him out like this, it was an opportunity to make a good impression and spend some time with her.

\---

“Let's go then. We'll find a quiet place to sit down and eat.” She covered the basket and rose to her feet. “Come along, Pickles. You can bring your bone.”

The dog stood and padded to her, but not before giving Anders a friendly brush of his head, greeting him as a cat might. His hand was saved from slobbery kisses this time since his mouth was full already.

“That was very sweet of you to take that boy home. Rarely have I seen a man so good with children. You have a warm heart, Anders.” She slipped her arm through the handles of the basket and looked up to him with a smile.

\---

Anders glanced down at the dog and since his head was close, gave it a little scratch. The same way he would scratch a cat - he’d never been good at interacting with dogs, but he figured it was much the same as far as touches went. Scratch the head and the butt, stay away from the stomach.

He began to lead her out of the clinic, picking up his staff and locking the door behind them. “Oh, a lot of men don’t have a reason to interact with children like I do. I’m not that unique - we’re all big softies.” That wasn’t strictly true and he knew it, but he did think a lot of men never really got a chance to just talk to or play with a child.

He’d never really seen Hawke interact with children much and he was curious how he was around them. Just thinking about it melted his heart a little, imagining him running around and playing tag or hide-and-seek.

\---          

“Maybe not all of you. But I'm sure there's some truth to that.” When they walked far enough to find a soft, shaded patch of grass, Leandra laid out the blanket for them. She took a seat on one side of it, starting to unpack their lunches from the basket. “I'm glad you could make a little time for me. I know you're a very busy man.”

\---

“You are Garrett’s mother - it would be odd if I didn’t.” Of course, that wasn’t entirely the reason why he had… but it’d definitely been a big part of it. He sat down on the opposite side of the blanket. “That looks pretty good. I wasn’t planning on having much of anything for lunch, truth be told, so my stomach thanks you.”

\---

“Pity you aren't still spending your nights at the house. I could pack your lunches more often. I worry if Garrett gets enough to eat now that he's gotten himself caught up in so much trouble.” She sighed and unwrapped one of the sandwiches for herself, then looked up to him and smiled. “But I'm glad he's gotten caught up with you. I think you're very good for him.”

\---

He would feel bad if she was doing that, but it was sweet that she wanted to. “I’d like to think so. You don’t have to worry about him - I’m taking good care of him.” As much as he could. Sometimes Hawke went off without him, but more often they were together and he could ensure that the rogue stayed safe.

\---

“I know you are. I don't see him as much, but when I do, he looks so happy. I...honestly don't remember the last time I saw my son really happy like that, so I'm very grateful you changed that.” There was something a bit apprehensive in her, though the words were genuine. “I know he can be very difficult to please. He's very much like his father, though he'd be angry if he heard me say that.”

\---

His eyes fell and he busied himself with unwrapping and taking a bite of a sandwich. It was good and it gave him the time he needed to form a response. “Did his father have a temper?” He was trying to frame it in a way that didn’t suggest that her son did, even though it did.

\---

“Oh, yes. Malcolm was so sweet and gentle, but he also had to be in charge. When things weren't going his way, he could be...difficult. I saw that in Garrett even as a boy.” She took a couple bites of her own sandwich, gathering her thoughts. “I have to take some of the blame as well. I've got a bit of a temper myself. When I-...when we lost Carver, I lashed out at Garrett. I still feel terrible about it.”

\---

For some reason, it made him feel a lot better to hear it. She was acknowledging the anger he was dealing with and in some way, even commiserating with him about it. “I’m sure it’s behind him,” he replied gently, giving her a sympathetic look. “I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child - I don’t think he blames you.” He knew that wasn’t the point of what she was saying, but he really felt bad for her.

\---

“I know he forgives me for it. He's such a good son. But it was a terrible thing for a mother to do to a boy that's just lost his brother.” Her eyes were growing misty and she chuckled at herself, blinking them away. “It's been long enough, you'd think I could talk about that day now without tears. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how he is and I know why. But I'm glad you're a kind enough man to see who he is underneath all of that.”

\---

He didn’t push the topic, knowing she didn’t want to talk about all of that. “He’s wonderful.” He really thought he was. His obstinance wasn’t really all that bad if he just tried to avoid the things that really seemed to set him off. They hadn’t had a fight in the last month and the only thing he’d really had to do was have some give. “I appreciate you talking to me about this, though.” He didn’t want to flat out tell her what he’d been experiencing, but clearly she knew to some degree.

\---

“He is.” She gave him a warm smile. “That isn't the only thing I wanted to talk to you about.” She drew in a breath, preparing herself to get into an argument about this subject for the hundredth time. “Please tell me you're not going on this expedition into the Deep Roads.” The location had been discussed in the house so often, Pickles recognized it and raised his head.

\---

That made him curious and when she went on, he was confused. He didn’t realize she was probably talking about both of them, instead taking her request to mean only him. Hence his confusion. “Uh… I don’t really want to, but… it’s best for them if I do.” He hadn’t really talked to Hawke about it yet, but been resigning himself to the fact that he was going to have to go down there with them to make sure they came back up with all of their fingers and toes.

\---

She brightened at the first thing he said. “You don't want to. I knew you had a good head on your shoulders.” Everyone else she spoke to seemed to want to do this. “I've been trying to convince Garrett that this is a terrible idea. We're doing fine in Kirkwall now, he's done enough. I don't want him going down there, Anders.”

\---

This was definitely the reasons she’d brought him out here. He took another bite of his sandwich, giving him time to formulate a response - he wasn’t going to be able to tell her anything she wanted to hear. “I understand, but I don’t think there will be any convincing him. As you said, he wants to do what he wants to do and he thinks this is the key to getting everything he wants… I couldn’t stop him if I wanted to.”

“I’m a Grey Warden, so I’ve been in the Deep Roads many times. I know what to expect and if I’m there, they won’t be ambushed by darkspawn.” It wouldn’t mean the darkspawn wouldn’t pose a threat, but going down into a place like that without someone like him was taking a dangerous chance. “I don’t want to go, but that’s why I’m going. To keep him safe.”

\---

“Oh I know all about the Wardens. I don't hold that against you, of course, it was well before your time. But Warden or not, _healer_ or not, I don't want any of you down there. And what's worse, Bethany wants to go too.” She shook her head. “I can't risk losing them both. I know Garret wants to be a hero, but I don't need a hero. I need my son and if we can't stop him from going, maybe you could at least help me talk to Bethany.”

\---

He cringed a little, realizing what she was talking about. He hadn’t thought about that and he didn’t want to address it, so he was glad when she moved on. “I can assure you Bethany won’t be going with us. It’s too dangerous and Hawke won’t risk her, even if she wants to.” He didn’t think it would be necessary to talk to her, but if it would make their mother feel better, he didn’t mind. “I’ll talk to her if you want me to, but she isn’t going.”

\---

“I would appreciate that. Right now she’s convinced that she’s going, no matter what I say to her.” She looked relieved that they were on the same page about her daughter not going, at least. “I’ll keep working on Garrett as well. I don’t want any of you down there, but...he’s his father’s son and I know it will be next to impossible for either of us to talk him out of it.”

\---

“I’m sure you’ll convince him before I ever will.” If it was possible to convince him, which he didn’t think it was. “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” He figured as much, so he tried to quickly finish up his sandwich so he wasn’t wasting her time by making her linger for him.

\---

“That was the biggest thing. Now don’t hurry along, I bet you don’t let yourself have a good lunch break very often.” She waved a hand at him when he started rushing. She was still rather slowly picking at her sandwich and the fruit herself. “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself, Anders? You’re part of the family now, I’d like to know you a little better.”

\---

His cheeks heated a little, surprised she considered him a part of the family. They hadn’t been together that long and though they were serious, it wasn’t as if they were… He didn’t even want to finish the thought. He slowed down and gave a sheepish shrug. “There isn’t much to tell. I was born in Ferelden, I grew up in Kinloch, I escaped the Circle and joined the Wardens, then I escaped the Wardens and came here.”

\---

“That’s plenty to tell. But it still doesn’t tell me much about you. What do you like to do? What would you like to do in the future? What do you hope for between you and Garrett?” Hopefully marriage and adopting a baby or two. She liked this young man and it would be nice to see Garrett retire his blades and settle down.

\---

The heat grew. He should’ve expected those kinds questions, but actually having them posed was making him flustered. “Oh… I don’t know. I’ve always been too busy for hobbies or planning ahead… I’m mostly caught up in trying to stay free. I didn’t expect everything that’s happened with Garrett, but it’s been kind of nice. I’ve never settled down in a place before.” They weren’t really settled down in a traditional sense, but it was closer than he’d ever gotten before.

\---

“I understand. I remember life on the run with Malcolm.” There hadn’t been much time for hobbies or planning for them either until they finally got settled. “But I think you could be happy here with Garrett in Kirkwall. I hope you both will want to stay. It’s not the safest place for a mage, I know that well, but my boy would never let them take you.”

\---

“Well, it’s my wish to make it safer for them,” he told her, somewhat cryptic. He didn’t really want to tell her all that he was doing for fear that she would tell her son, but she’d asked what he’d like to do in the future. That was it. “I’m sure it won’t happen in my lifetime, but I would like to think that someday people like me or your husband will be free to live their lives without fear of it all being taken away.”

\---

“I hope it’s in your lifetime, Anders. I want Bethany to see it too. Her father instilled a strong fear of the Circles in her, but I can hope that she won’t have to do the same for her own future children.” It was wishful thinking, she knew. But she could hope and at least so far the templars hadn’t come sniffing around for her daughter.

\---

“I can’t imagine that, either. The fear of having your children develop magic.” He was fiddling with his robes, busying a hand as he took small bites to finish up his sandwich. He was quiet for a long moment, then he went on in a solemn voice. “My father felt that fear, but in a much different way than you’d expect. He didn’t fear _for_ me. He feared _me_. He’s the one that summoned the templars to come get me.” He smiled weakly, shaking his head, as if to make light of what he was telling her.

\---

“I’m sorry to hear that your father didn’t understand how special you are. Malcolm was both scared to death and overjoyed when Bethany’s powers developed. He’d always coddled her a little and was harder on the boys, but once we knew she was a mage, he put so much time and energy into doting on her. He taught her all that he could in the time that he had. I knew she’d have a hard life as a mage, but a very, very special one. Shame on your father for thinking it was something to be feared.” She sounded quite upset about what he’s said and she grabbed one of the muffins and handed it to him. “Here, have one of these. They’re banana nut muffins, it’ll give you more energy to finish your day.” As if she could mother him enough now to make up for the failings of his father.

\---

He imagined that if he had a child, he’d do much the same. Teach them everything that he could in the time that he had to make sure they they would be able to take care of themselves when he wasn’t there to take care of them anymore. “It’s alright. A lot of people don’t understand. I’ve made my peace.” Not that he’d ever seen or spoke to his parents since.

He’d like to, but he didn’t think he would be welcome. He didn’t think they would want to see him and he didn’t trust that they wouldn’t try and turn him in.

He took the muffin from her. “Thank you.” He took a bite of it and hummed his approval, nodding to tell her he liked it.

\---

“I made them this morning.” She was glad he approved but she decided she’d take her own home and finish it later. Her appetite wasn’t what it used to be. “There are plenty. You can take an extra one back to the clinic with you in case you need a pick-me-up later.” She began cleaning up, knowing that she shouldn’t be taking up much more of his time. “I’m glad we got to talk today. I think you’re a very good young man. I would have thought you’d be a better fit for my Bethany, but Garrett can be quite charming when he wants to be.”

\---

The change in topic was welcome and he laughed lightly. “Oh, I’m sure Bethany can do much better than me. She’s a very sharp and beautiful woman.” Actually, he did think he was a bit of a catch. Perhaps not on Hawke’s level, but he had a lot going for him, ignoring the whole everyone wanting him locked up in a tower thing, and he knew it.

He’d managed to tone down his narcissism over the last couple of years, though, and he certainly knew when to keep it to himself. “I’m just lucky Garrett decided to put his charms on me.”

\---

“She certainly is, but I think you’re a fine match for either of them. I really thought Garrett would settle with a woman, but I think you’ve got the right temperament to handle him.” She chuckled under her breath. “Even as a boy no bigger than the one that was in your clinic earlier, he was like that. He’d get it in his head that something needed to be done and it needed to be done his way and he’s be this little tyrant in my house while I was already balancing a twin on each hip. Then whenever I thought I couldn’t handle him anymore, he’d hug my legs and say ‘You’re pretty, Ma. I love you.’”

\---

He couldn’t help but smile, charmed by her story. “Is it weird that I kind of wish I could see what he was like at that age?” He thought it would be amusing to see what his boyfriend had been like as a boy. “I’m imagining a boy with a glorious beard - I can’t picture him without it.” He grinned at the mental image, though his chest ached as he found himself missing him rather abruptly.

\---

“If you asked him, he’d likely tell you he was born with the beard.” She returned his smile. “He didn’t grow the beard until he was preparing for the army. No, he was a darling little boy. When he smiled, he had a little dimple in his left cheek, but the beard hides it now. His hair was always hanging in his eyes because he never let me cut it, he wanted to grow it out like his father’s. He was always covered in bumps and scrapes - that little boy couldn’t stay out of trouble and Carver was always right on his heels to join in once he was old enough to run.”

\---

His grin grew. “He’s still always covered in bumps and scrapes, I just take care of them for him.” The ache was growing as well. He might have to close the clinic early and see if he couldn’t find him. He wanted to see him. “As much as I love it, maybe I can convince him to shave his beard. I want to see that dimple.” He could already tell that knowing that it was there, tucked beneath all that hair, would be maddening.

\---

“Good luck with that. The beard looks nice on him, but I’ve been asking him to shave it for years. I miss seeing his face.” She chuckled and put a finger up to her cheek. “But I bet you can feel it even underneath the beard. Get him smiling and it’ll be right here.”

\---

“I’ll try that.” He took another muffin, as suggested, and rose to his feet, brushing off his robes with his free hand. “Thanks for lunch, Leandra. I had a nice time.” She’d been packing up, so she was clearly ready to go, and he wanted to get going himself. It was time  to find his boyfriend.

\---

She climbed to her feet as well, a little more slowly, and started to fold up the blanket. “I did too. Maybe we’ll have to have lunch again sometime.” She didn’t want to pester him often, but she could get to know him a little better and also make sure he was getting enough to eat during the day.

\---

“Definitely.” He wouldn’t mind it. She was a nice woman and he was glad that she approved of him and his relationship with her son. “How about I walk you back home?” He didn’t want her walking around on her own any more than Hawke did.

\---

“Oh, that’s quite alright. I don’t want to make you late if you need to get back.” She put the basket over her arm and patted her hip. Pickles rose from the nap he’d been taking and moved to her side, licking her fingers when he smelled the sugar from the fruit she’d been eating.

\---

“I won’t be late. I’ve decided not to go back today.” He nodded her in the direction she needed to go, starting that way at a pace that would allow her to join him. He had a vague idea of where he might be and it wasn’t particularly out of the way from her brother’s house.

\---

Leandra smiled and moved to join him. He worked hard and it would be good for him to take an afternoon off. She walked at his side, Pickles keeping watch over her on her other side. “So you’re left with two impossible missions - convince Garrett not to go to the Deep Roads and convince him to shave.” She said, her tone meant to keep things light hearted.

\---

“I’ll agree the first one is impossible, but I’m not so sure about the second.” He glanced over at her and at the risk of offending her sensibilities, he went on cautiously. “You may have not been able to convince him, but you’re not the one that shares his bed.” What he was implying was a little lewd, but he purposefully chose the most tactful way to say it. Who knew? Maybe she’d be the kind of woman that didn’t mind that kind of humor.

\---

“True, true. But I do know which of his buttons to push better than you do. ‘You look just like your father with that beard’ should have done the trick, but he still wears it. And he does look just like Malcolm with it, whether he keeps his hair short or not.” She gave him a coy look. “Which means you’ve got good taste in men. Malcolm was stunning, especially in his prime.”

\---

Though she responded well, the reply of ‘I’d say I know how to push his buttons pretty well’ remained on his tongue. There was a line and he’d rather not cross it, though he was a little more comfortable after his attempt at risque humor had been taken in stride. “He must’ve been for you to give up everything to be with him.” He was back to smiling warmly, feeling so good about their relationship after talking about all of this. “It seems the Hawke’s all have good genes.”

\---

“Oh, yes. He was handsome and sweet. Brave to the point of insanity - sneaking out of the Circle just to spend time with me. I gave everything up for him and given the option, I’d do it all over again.” Leandra laughed softly. “And he was kind enough to pass on his good genes to our babies.”

\---

He grinned. “I wish I could thank him, but l’ll just have to settle for thanking you instead.” They’d arrived at her brother’s house and he came to a stop. “Thanks again. I appreciate you bringing me such a nice lunch and providing such nice company.” He’d walked her to the steps and he figured that was far enough, finding no need to go all the way to the door.

He’d make sure that she got inside okay and then take off.

\---

“You’re welcome. I’ll come visit you for lunch some other time.” She touched his arm lightly with a smile before she started up the steps to head inside. Pickles lingered long enough to give Anders’ hand the wet kiss he’d wanted to earlier, then hurried up the stairs after her.

\---

He waited until she was inside and, wiping off his hand, he started to look around for him. He knew his usual haunts and while a job could take him anywhere, he was often around Lowtown or Darktown. As it so happened, it didn’t take long to find him. He spotted him with Varric and a handful of other people that he didn’t know.

Not caring what any of them thought, he made his way over, sneaking up behind him, and threw his arms around him “Garrett,” he breathed into his ear, squeezing him tight and pulling him back into his embrace.

\---

He’d heard his mage coming, but he didn’t expect the embrace. He smiled, liking the sound of his first name whispered that way. “Anders…” He excused himself quickly, turning and taking his lover’s hand and guiding him to the nearest alley. He’d glimpsed at Varric on the way by and the dwarf was smirking to see the two of them flirting in such a way. “What’s gotten into you?” He asked when he had Anders alone, curious what brought him to this side of town when he was usually still at the clinic.

\---

“Nothing, I just missed you.” He was quick to close the distance between them again, this time hugging him from the front. “I wanted to see you.” He met his gaze, his own so soft and warm.

\---

“I wanted to see you too.” He wrapped his arms around him in return, stroking his fingers through the loose portion of his hair. “I can wrap this up with these guys if you want to go home early today.” He didn’t know how long Anders meant for his visit to be, but he’d be happy to make a night of it.

\---

He nodded. He’d like that. “I do, but first, I want you to smile for me.” He wanted to try to find this dimple he’d been told about. His eyes went to his cheek, knowing about where to expect it and finding that it was indeed covered in beard, as he was told.

\---

“What?” It was the last request he’d expected and the surprise of it alone was enough to make him laugh. “I always smile for you. What is this about?”

\---

Anders couldn’t see a change, so his fingers went to the spot, feeling. He wasn’t sure he could tell and so he pressed a kiss to his lips. “I want to see your dimple.” He wasn’t sure he’d know what he was talking about, but he continued all the same. “You should shave your beard for me.”

\---

He laughed when he sought out the dimple, turning his cheek away sheepishly after the kiss. “Who have you been talking to? Beth or my mother?” He shook his head. “You love my beard. It’s not going anywhere.”

\---

“Your mother,” he confirmed, taking hold of his cheek and pulling his face back in. “I do love your beard, but you can always grow it back if you decide you hate it. I want to see your dimple, love.” He pressed close to him. “Please? For me?” The request was made in singsong, batting his eyelashes at him.

\---

“No, you’d leave me in an instant.” He stole a kiss from him while he was so close. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but my beard is the secret to my good looks. The trick is to make sure you never see my real face. I’d hate to scare you off. And scare the rest of Kirkwall for that matter.”

\---

He snorted. “You’re full of shit.” He pinched a bit of said beard between his fingers and gave it a tug. “You’re stunning and I want to see your dimple!” he insisted, stealing a kiss right back. He nipped his lip, then pulled back to meet his gaze. “We’ll trade. How does that sound? Surely there’s something you want from me? You shave for me and I…” He trailed off, giving him room to fill in the blank.

\---

“I wouldn’t trade for it. I already have what I want from you.” He took one of Anders’ hands and guided his finger to a spot on his cheek. “It’s right there. I don’t have to shave for you to find it. I haven’t seen my own bare face in years. I don’t know what I look like as a grown man. You might not like it.”

\---

“All the more reason to.” He felt the spot, pushing his finger in past the hair to stroke his cheek there. “You’re stunning,” he repeated, knowing that the beard had nothing to do with that, even if it was lovely. “You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He pressed another kiss to his lips. “I’m attracted to you, not your beard, silly.”

\---

“You don't know that, you've never seen my face. The beard has you fooled.” He was thoroughly enjoying the attention and he gave him a longer, firmer kiss. “Let's make a deal. After I come back from the Deep Roads, I'll shave to celebrate. I can't shave before I go, I'll scare all the Darkspawn off and Varric won’t get any good stories out of the adventure.”

\---

He grinned. “Really?” He bounced on his feet and slid his arm back around him, embracing him tightly. “Your mother is going to adore me.” She’d said she’d been trying to convince him to shave for years and here he was, that same day, convincing him. “Deal.”

\---

“I think she already does.” He embraced him tightly in return. “I'm growing it back, though. You'll both see that the beard is much better than a bare face on me. I'll look like a 12-year-old.”

\---

“That’s fine with me.” He nuzzled their cheeks together, feeling the rasp of his beard against his own stubble. “I’ll have seen your dimple and that’s all that matters to me.” He didn’t know what he’d look like, but he knew he’d find him attractive no matter what. “I love you,” he murmured, feeling it so strongly. “Why don’t you go finish up so we can take a walk? You can help me pick herbs, how does that sound?”

\---

“Remind me to harass my mother for telling you about the dimple.” He chuckled and returned the nuzzle. “I love you too and that sounds like a good plan. Wait here, this will only take a few minutes.” He kissed him, then broke away to finish his meeting as quickly as he could.


	16. Chapter 16

As the expedition into the Deep Roads drew near, Hawke couldn't help but notice that he and Anders seemed to be at odds about it. He only spoke of himself going, hoping to make it clear that the mage was to stay behind. But Anders had been talking lately as if he was planning to go as well. Things had been going so smoothly for so long, he hoped it wouldn't be an argument...but it was something they needed to discuss.

Hawke was getting ready for a late evening mission - one for Fenris so he'd told Anders it was best if he sit this one out. He sat on the edge of the bed lacing his boots, but he raised his eyes to study his lover. “...Could we talk for a minute? About the Deep Roads?”

\---

“Sure.” He moved to sit on the chair closest to the bed, turning in it so he was facing him. “What’s up?” They’d talked about it a lot lately and he figured he wanted to go over what he’d already discussed. He rested his forearms on the back of the chair, waiting curiously.

\---

“I noticed you've been talking lately like you're planning to go with us. You told me you didn't want to go and I agreed that I wouldn't ask you to.” Though their lives had changed drastically since they had that conversation, he knew. “I still think it's best if you stay behind.”

\---

They hadn’t really discussed this, so he wasn’t surprised that it was coming up now, though he’d started to think that his joining them had become a given. Obviously not. “I don’t want to go, but I am planning to. It’s not best if I stay behind - it’s best that I go with you. I’m the only one that’s been in the Deep Roads before, I’m the only one that knows how to traverse them, and most importantly, I’m the only one that can deal with darkspawn.”

He knew that Hawke had faced them before, after fleeing from Lothering, but this wasn’t even close to being the same thing. “If all of you are going to stay safe, you need me.” He was invaluable to their success.

\---

“You don't want to go and you don't have to, Anders. I can handle darkspawn. I know the rest of us would be safer with you coming with us, but _you_ would not be safe. I talked to the others already. They understand that we'll have to get by without a healer because I'm not willing to risk losing you.” He shook his head. “I love you, Anders. None of this will be worth it if I lose you. I need you here where I know you're safe.”

\---

“Garrett, you’re going to have to accept that I’m not safe anywhere. You think I’m any safer here? Where the templers could find me while you’re gone? You could come back and I could be locked up in the Gallows, a sunburst on my forehead.” He rose from the chair and moved over to him, sitting beside him instead. “I’m not willing to risk losing you, either, so you’ll just have to accept that you’re going to have to share your bed roll.”

“You’ll thank me when all of this is over, believe me.”

\---

That idea was no better. He sighed and wrapped his arms around him when he sat beside him. “What if you stay in my uncle's house while I'm gone? If you stay hidden, the templars won't find you.” But if he did allow him to go along, he could at least defend Anders with his own blades.

\---

“I understand that you fear for me, love, but you can’t shelter me from everything. I can take care of myself and, given the opportunity, I can take care of you too.” He slid his arms around him in return. “We’ll take care of each other.” That’s what he wanted. For them to watch over each other. He never admitted it, but he did feel smothered by the way the rogue did everything he could to keep him from danger.

\---

“If you go with us, I want you to stay out of combat as much as you can. Defend yourself when you need to, but save your mana in case someone gets hurt badly. Namely you.” He didn't like it, not at all. He wanted to keep him out of danger, but he knew that it just wasn't realistic. “Is there anything I could say to talk you into dealing with my uncle for a while instead of going on this crazy expedition?” He knew the answer, but it didn't hurt to ask.

\---

“No. The only thing that would stop me from going is if you don’t go.” If he insisted on going, then Anders had every intention of going with him. “I’ll try to reserve my mana, just in case, but please… you know I can fight. I wish you wouldn’t treat me as if I’m fragile. I’m not.” He pulled back a little to meet his gaze. “Trust me a little?”

\---

“I know you're not. I do trust you. But I also trusted Carver's ability to keep himself safe.” He kissed his brow and stood, moving to grab his blades. “I’d better get going. I'll be back in a few hours if all goes well.”

\---

He watched him go, knowing that he couldn’t trump the Carver card. Still, he wouldn’t stop trying to convince him that it wasn’t a big deal if he went with him on missions that he deemed ‘dangerous’. “Alright, love. I’ll miss you.” He gave him a smile.

\---

“I'll miss you too.” He said with a smile on his way out. When he opened the door, he saw Varric in the hallway and they exchanged quick words. But knowing where he was going, Hawke left the bedroom door ajar and moments later, the dwarf opened it and stuck his head inside. “Hey Blondie, you busy? I wanted to talk to you about something in my room if you've got a little time on your hands.”

\---

“Sure.” That was convenient. If Hawke was going to be out for a while, he appreciated the company. Even if it was just a quick discussion, it would pass a little bit of the time until he got back. He got up and made his way out of the room, shutting and locking it behind him.

He’d long since gotten over his fear of being alone in Varric’s room - ever since that night he’d gotten kicked out, it had become clear that Hawke didn’t consider him a threat, so he was always eager to hang out with him when he could. When he stepped inside, he made his way to his usual spot and sat down, getting comfortable.

\---

Varric closed and locked the door behind him, moving to Anders and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Want a drink? Mead, ale, rum, whiskey?” They almost always shared a drink so there was no need to take his own seat and get comfortable until he got that much covered.

\---

He leaned his forearms on the table, thinking about it. “Just some ale, I think.” Rum sounded good, but he knew it would be easy to go overboard and he didn’t want to do that if he was going to see Hawke later.

\---

“Ale it is.” He gave his shoulder a friendly pat, then moved to get the bottle and their glasses. He set them on the table and filled them up, then took his own seat. “So I've got a story for you. I think you'll like the subject matter.”

\---

“A story for me? That’s not what I expected when you said you wanted to talk to me about something.” He pulled the ale in and took a sip of him, watching him from over the rim. “Go on then, you’ve got my attention.”

\---

“I had to go see an associate of mine yesterday. We had some business to discuss and so things have a pretty serious tone. We're getting into a bit of a disagreement about money when suddenly this little girl in a blue dress and blue ribbons comes bounding toward us, calling for her daddy. He was scowling when he saw her, clearly meaning to scold her for interrupting him, but he melted the moment he saw she was crying. He took her into his arms - this rough man tough enough to eat steel for breakfast - and started cooing to her, asking what was wrong.” He lounged back and sipped his ale, letting the start of the story ruminate.

\---

He listened with rapt attention, as promised, curious where this story was going to go. He knew it was going to be good - Varric’s stories were always good - but he wasn’t sure what could come next, as sweet as it was.

\---

“She tells him that she found a cat in an alley, mostly eaten. He says ‘I'm sorry you had to see that, Mia, but dogs have to eat. Just like the cats have to eat mice and sparrows.’ She cries harder and shakes her head. That wasn't all. She heard mewling and couldn't find the kittens. She's afraid they'll be eaten too. Her father tells her he'll help her look in a little while and she's beside herself, insisting they'll be gone. He gives me a helpless look and I smile and pat his arm, telling him we can talk later. I'm turning to go and the girl takes my hand and says ‘You'll help us, won't you?’” He chuckled and shook his head, giving himself another break for a drink of ale. “I'm not big on animals, but I do like kids. How was I going to look at this little distraught girl and tell her I can't help? Even if I had other plans than rummaging through garbage on my hands and knees for kittens?”

\---

His eyes widened. They found the kittens, obviously. If they hadn’t found the kittens, why would he be telling him this story? That would just be cruel. He had completely forgotten about his ale, now on the table, waiting for him to go on.

\---

“So the three of us are scouring an alley that’s covered in garbage and smells like piss and rot. After about an hour, we’re about to give up, but there’s finally a little meow that we all hear. The search is back on in earnest. We find the first one and the tears start all over again for poor little Mia - the first one is already gone, mangled by whatever killed their mother. But the others are nearby. They’re filthy, starving, and scared, but there were four of them huddled together. We pick them all up and Mia picks up the little mangled one, insisting we should bury it by her house so it doesn’t get eaten. Her father wants to argue, but I’m ready to get out of that gross alley so I hurry us all back to their house. At this point I’m so invested in this rescue mission that I’m already late for my next appointment, helping this father and daughter wash all the grime and fleas off of these kittens.” He smiled and sipped his ale, knowing Anders would like any story about a kitten rescue.

\---

He smiled warmly. It was sad that one of the kittens didn’t make it, but such things happened. He was just glad that the rest of them made it out alright. “And now Mia has a litter of feisty kittens to take care of.” He picked up his ale and took another sip. “That’s how the story ends, right?” He didn’t want to hear about how another of the kittens had died or how her father made her take them elsewhere.

\---

“For a little while. She wanted all of them, but her father said she had to pick one, the rest could go to her uncle who farms and needs more mousers. Of course she tried for one more, but at least she picked the fluffiest one of the bunch.” He chuckled, having known she’d pick that one as soon as she started asking for the kittens.” So I took a towel and wrapped up the dead one so we could give it the proper burial she wanted for it. But once I started carrying it out, I could have sworn I felt it twitch. It startled me and when I pulled back the towel, it was looking up at me with these big blue eyes.”

\---

He gasped and sat up straight in his chair. He was grinning at this point, obviously thrilled with this turn of events and wanting to know what happened to the kitten. This was exactly why Varric was such a good storyteller. He had him hooked and he knew exactly what to say and when, getting him nice and invested so that when the big reveal came around, he was on the edge of his seat. “Go on.”

\---

“I knew you’d like this story.” He had him every bit as captivated as he’d hoped. Not just anyone would be this thrilled about finding some kittens in an alley, but he knew his friend would be enthralled. “We cleaned the little one up and honestly, I wasn’t sure if we were doing it a kindness by helping revive it or not. It was missing a leg, had deep wounds in its neck. Mia was distraught when her father started talking about giving this kitten a merciful death, but the more we washed and fed this little kitten, the clearer it was that this little critter had a fighter’s spirit. She wasn’t ready to give up and I decided I wouldn’t give up on her either and I fed her all that she would eat.” He cocked his head a little, looking to Anders with quirked brows. “Have you ever healed an animal?”

\---

He immediately started looking around, half-rising out of his seat. “Where? Where is it?” He stood up completely then, his eyes darting to all of the different places a kitten might be tucked. He hadn’t heard any mewling, but there were plenty of reasons why that might be.

\---

Varric rose to his feet as well, slowly padding over to his bed where he got down on all fours and peered beneath. “She’s still a little spooked about everything. But she’ll come out.” He started to click his tongue, watching the small kitten tucked as far beneath his bed as she could get. Her ears perked and she shifted a little, clearly debating whether or not she was willing to come out of hiding.

\---

He followed after him, easing down to his knees and peaking under himself. He caught sight of the kitten and his heart melted, though he kept quiet. If it trusted Varric, he didn’t want to scare it into remaining where it was. He waited to see if he’d be able to coax it out, eager to get his hands on it.

\---

“Come on, now.” The dwarf patted the floor with his hand and with a little more hesitation, the kitten slowly began to crawl in his directed. It had a strange gait - it was a front leg that was missing, the area wrapped in bandaging, but it seemed to get along just fine. Her face had some shallow wounds on that side, healed enough to scar. Her neck was bandaged as well - the edges of the wounds had healed and begun to scar, but the centers of the gashes were too deep and hadn’t healed at all.

When she got closer to them, she paused, her nostrils flaring, and she veered to crawl toward Anders. It was exactly what Varric had hoped for - he’d brushed some catnip onto the mage’s shoulder when he’d first taken a seat in the room. Part of his reason for taking on the kitten was to give Anders another reason to feel like his room was a good place for him to retreat to when he and Hawke were having problems - if the cat liked Anders, all the better.

\---

He was surprised when the kitten came to him, but his eyes lit up. He held out a hand to allow it to sniff and when it seemed comfortable enough, he scooped it up and pulled it in. “Oh, hello there,” he cooed, carefully stroking a thumb along it’s back. He could see how hurt it was and while he didn’t hesitate to begin healing it, wanting to take away its pain.

He started with the nub of its leg and then worked his way to it’s neck, sealing all of the wounds after pulling off the bandages. When he’d gotten them all, he moved it to lay back in the nook of his arm and saw that it was indeed a girl. A sweet girl.

“What a pretty kitty you are,” he continued, stroking his fingers over her cheeks and under her chin.

\---

The kitten purred softly as her chin was stroked, closing her eyes and enjoying the attention. She was a cream color with an irregular gray pattern of stripes and circles - before she’d been attacked he had likely been very pretty.

“I cleaned those wounds out as well as I could. I just hoped they weren’t already infected by the time I brought you in to meet her.” Varric smiled, warmed to see the mage enjoying the little fluffy creature that had weaseled her way into his life the day before.

\---

“You did a good job,” he complimented him, though his eyes remained on the kitten. “What a sweet kitty. A pretty, sweet kitty.” He continued to give her gentle scratches, examining her further as he did so. “Did you pick out a name for her?”

\---

“Nope. I’ve named a crossbow, but I’ve never a cat. I can’t call them both Bianca, that would just be confusing.” Varric moved closer to stand beside him. The kitten purred louder when she could see them both, tolerating the examination, but pawing at Anders’ fingers whenever he was too close to the spot where her leg was torn off. “Any suggestions?”

\---

“Plenty, but if you’re keeping her, you ought to name her.” He gave her belly a rub, though he knew that was tempting fate didn’t let his fingers linger. “Does your leg still hurt?” he asked her, noticing that she wanted him to stay away from the nub. He just wasn’t sure if it was because she was still in pain or if she was just reacting to the memory of her pain.

\---

She still seemed defensive of that side, but not aggressively so. She drew out her claws on her remaining forepaw once, but it seemed it was just a show, as when she pawed at him again, it was just with the pads. “I’ll have to come up with something good. She’s got a lot of character. She’s young for such impressive war wounds.”

\---

“I’m sure you can come up with something good.” He looked up at him then, giving him a smile. “Here, she’s all fixed up. You should spend some time with your kitty.” He offered her to him, wanting him to take her so that she would continue to bond with him. He imagined she favored him, being the one that had saved and taken care of her.

\---

“I don’t know the first thing about kitties.” He admitted, taking the kitten into his arms. She started batting at the loop in his necklace, her tail twitching as she played with it. “I bought some fish, I bought some yarn, I bought a box for her to do her business. But I don’t really know how to take care of her. Especially since she’s missing a leg, though it doesn’t really seem to slow her down.

\---

“Honestly, the missing leg shouldn’t be a big deal.” Even a grown cat could adapt, but as a kitten, he imagined she would adjust even more quickly. “If you need help with anything, just ask me” He knew all about how to take care of cats and he was just down the hall. “For now, I’ll just give you the basics.” He gave him a quick rundown on how what to feed her and how often, how to clean up after her, and how to train her so that she didn’t develop any bad behaviors as she grew more comfortable with him and his room.

\---

“I’ll probably need your help, I didn’t know half of that.” Varric chuckled, setting the kitten down on the floor. He hoped she would explore, but she was quick to scamper back under the bed. She didn’t feel secure enough in the room yet. “I knew you’d like the story though and I got some good information in return.”

\---

“It was a good story.” He was so pleased that he’d decided to keep the kitten, he found himself reaching to give his forearm a squeeze. After, he realized himself and felt a little awkward, so he pulled his hand back, rising to his feet and making his way back to the table, though he stopped before he sat down. “I should probably get back to my room. I was hoping to clean it up before Hawke gets back later.”

\---

“Sure, I don’t mean to keep you.” He didn’t think much of the touch, thinking of it as a return of the friendly touches he gave the mage on occasion. “You’ll have to come visit us though, she needs to socialize. I was going to ask you to watch her for me when we went into the Deep Roads, but since Hawke came around and you’re coming with us, I’ll have to figure something else out.”

\---

“Hawke told you about that?” He must’ve mentioned it when they’d met in the hall. “Well, maybe you can have Bethany watch him. I’m sure between her and Leandra, she’ll be taken care of.” He moved towards the door, sure he’d figure it out. “Thanks for the story, Varric. It was a good one.” He gave him a little smile and with that, he took his leave.

\---

“As long as Pickles doesn’t mess with her.” He didn’t think the mabari would, he was very obedient. He waved to the mage, glad to have had the time with him and even more glad to have seen him beam the way he had about the kitten. “Later, Blondie.”


	17. Chapter 17

Hawke was immensely happy to be out of the Deep Roads. It had been every bit as profitable as Varric had promised. No one had been seriously hurt and despite his reservations, he’d been glad to have Anders beside him the entire way. “I think I’m going to take a bath for about three days straight when we get home.” He’d gone longer without between the army and being on the run, but it had been a long time since he’d felt so grimy. He was looking forward to going home, but first he wanted to stop by his uncle’s to tell his mother and sister the good news.

Varric hadn’t stayed with them, but he’d requested that they pick up Lucy on their way home. He was sure his mother and sister had fawned over the kitten, but he was also sure his uncle had thrown a fit about another animal in the house. It didn’t matter, they’d be picking up the cat and soon he’d have an immense house for himself, Anders, and his family members he actually liked. Even Pickles would be out of Gamlen’s hair. “Then I’m going to buy us a big fancy bathtub after we buy the house and I’ll bathe for three more days in that one.”

\---

Anders chuckled. “Sounds like you have it all planned.” He’d heard a lot of talk like this ever since they’d found the treasure they’d been looking for. He was happy for him and though he knew it would benefit him as well, he didn’t expect anything from him. The spoils from the Deep Roads were his to split with Varric - everyone else’s cuts were a fraction of what they’d found. Plenty, but nothing that would make them wealthy. None of that mattered to him anyway, not really. He was looking forward to moving in with him and having a real home, but he didn’t care whether it was a big expensive house or a little cheap house. He just wanted to be with him wherever they were.

...But if was going to be big and expensive, he wasn’t going to sneeze at it either.

“I can’t wait to see it.” It’d already been explained to him that he planned on buying his old family home, the one that Gamlen had lost in his gambling, as a gift to his mother.

\---

“I can’t wait either. The house we should have had from the start.” That didn’t matter now, he could afford to buy it back. He tapped on his uncle’s door when he reached it, but didn’t wait for an answer, throwing it open. “We’re back! You won’t believe what we found…” He called, expecting both Pickles and Bethany to come running. To his surprise, only the mabari came to greet him. Though the beast jumped up on him and covered him with kisses, there was something solemn about the dog and his excitement was short lived. Hawke’s smile faded and anxiety began to set in - something was wrong. He looked to Anders, his eyes wary.

\---

Anders didn’t really register what was wrong. “I guess they’re not here.” He moved further into the house, to make sure. “Maybe they went out to the market.” He figured Leandra and Bethany had gone together - it seemed a reasonable explanation to the lack of greeting.

\---

“No. Something is wrong with him.” Hawke knew the mabari very well and something wasn’t right. He took Anders by the hand and walked further into the house. Finally Leandra came to meet them and the sight of the pair brought a warm smile to her lips. She was pale and looked as if she hadn’t slept in days. “Oh, Garrett. I’m so glad you’re home in one piece.” She offered Anders a smile as well, but her focus was on her boy and she moved in closer, touching his chest, then his shoulders, then his cheeks, as though she had to feel him to verify that he was really alright.

\---

He frowned, looking at the dog, but still not really seeing it. He supposed that he wasn’t as excited as he’d expect him to be, but it wasn’t until Leandra came out and he saw her that he realized he was right. He returned the smile, but his eyes were concerned as she moved to greet her son. He let go of Hawke’s hand, as to be out of the way, and looked between them. He didn’t want to interrupt, so he kept quiet, knowing Hawke would question her.

\---

She kissed his cheeks and smiled for him when he told her about all the spoils of the expedition. Hawke knew something was wrong and he hoped all of his good news would fix it, but he only grew more concerned when she hardly seemed to be listening to him. He gave her a moment to fuss over Anders as well, thanking him for bringing her boy home safely, before he finally asked about the person who had not come to greet them. “Where is Bethany?”

The question made Leandra go a shade paler. She shook her head, tears beginning to sting her eyes. She didn’t try to answer the question, just kept shaking her head. She looked as if she needed to sit down before her knees would give out on her.

Hawke’s heart rose into his throat as his anxiety escalated to something closer to panic. He took his mother by the shoulders, both steadying her and giving her a shake harder than he meant to. “What happened? Where is she?”

“We were out at the market and the templars came for her. They arrested her, Garrett. She’s in the Circle.” Leandra got the words out quickly, but saying them aloud made the tears she’d been fighting roll down her cheeks. Hawke simply stared at her, gaping as if he couldn’t understand just what she’d said.

\---

Anders’ stomach fell, but he knew that it wasn’t necessarily the worst thing. She was just an unknown apostate. Granted, an apostate that had never had her Harrowing, but still, she wasn’t known like he was. It was unlikely they would punish her. All she would have to do is keep her head down and, if they weren’t able to get her out in time, pass her Harrowing. If she did that, she would be in okay shape.

As he’d told Leandra, she was a sharp woman and he’d fought alongside her enough to know that she was an accomplished mage. He believed she could do it. But at the same time, as he’d also told Leandra, she was a beautiful woman. In the Circle, this one especially, that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

“It’ll be okay,” he tried to assure her, setting a hand on her arm. “We can get her out. I don’t know when, but we’ll get her out as soon as we can.”

\---

She looked to Anders and nodded. “I’m sure she can hold her own until then. I’m just worried. The Circle isn’t like it was when Malcolm was there…”

Hawke swallowed the knot in his throat and released his mother. Anders had said this could happen to him if Hawke left him behind when he went to the Deep Roads, but he never imagined that it could have happened Bethany. “I’ll talk to the Knight Commander first thing tomorrow. I can’t today, I wouldn’t be able to keep my temper.” He probably wouldn’t be able to tomorrow either, but it would at least give him time to think about what he should say.

\---

Anders looked over at him sharply. “No. You can’t. If you talk to her, she’ll know who to go straight to when she disappears.” Honestly, with the way he was making a name for himself, she’d probably know straight who to go to through regardless, but at least this way she had nothing to use against him. She wouldn’t know that he was intent on getting his sister out. “We can get her out, Garrett, we just have to plan it carefully. It’ll take some time, but it’ll be safer for your family this way.”

Though, even if they did get her out, it wouldn’t be safe for her to stay in the city anymore.

Maybe they ought to take the money and flee, to find somewhere smaller and safer to settle down. Somewhere that wasn’t a slaver city repurposed with the intent of enslaving mages.

\---

“I can’t risk making enemies with her. If I cross her and she finds out you and I are together, she’ll…” He couldn’t even think about it. He turned away from them both and ran a hand through his hair. He was too tired to think this through. “I don’t know. Maybe she’d at least let me talk to Bethany. I need to see if she’s alright.”

\---

He set a hand on his back. “This isn’t above me, love. This is about Bethany. Don’t worry about me - the Knight Commander doesn’t know much about me and I intend to keep it that way.” He wanted to make sure he got this through to him. “You can’t talk to her. I can make sure she’s doing alright, okay? Just give me a day and I’ll have all of the information you want and we’ll come up with a plan for getting her out and then we’ll just leave.”

It was the only way forward that he could see.

“We have enough money now, we can move anywhere you want and we’ll all be safe.”

\---

“Leave? We can’t leave. We’ve struggled so long just to get this far in this city. No. I’ll get her out and they won’t touch her again.” He hadn’t had enough time to process what Anders was talking about - his means for information and his confidence that they could break her out. “We should go. We need to go home.” He missed their room and everything would feel more clear once they were home. He turned enough to take Anders’ hand, looking to him solemnly.

\---

“That won’t work. They won’t let her go willingly and if we break her out, she will be in _a lot_ more danger. This Circle isn’t like mine, I don’t know that they’ll tolerate escaped mages. If they got their hands on her again, they might make her Tranquil.” He felt bad for saying this in front of their mother, but it was the reality of the situation and he had to get that across to him.

He nodded in agreement, squeezing his hand, but turned his attention back to his mother. “We’ll be back tomorrow, Leandra. Try to drink some water and eat some food. Get some rest. Bethany will be back soon.”

\---

“Yes, yes I know she'll be alright. She's a smart girl, she wouldn't do anything that would make them think of making her Tranquil.” Leandra nodded, wringing her hands as tears rolled slowly down her cheeks. “I just need to hear from her. That she's alright in there.”

“I'm pretty sure Varric has someone on the inside who can check on her.” Hawke said firmly, trying to take charge of the situation for his mother's sake. He didn't know that, but it seemed like Varric had someone on the inside of almost every organization in the city. He still didn't know how Anders would be able to get information as he'd said, but he'd ask him later. “I'll handle this.” He used his grip on Anders to start pulling him to the door, forgetting entirely about the kitten they were supposed to collect.

\---

Fortunately, Anders remembered and he pulled away from Hawke long enough to pluck her up from where she’d been laying by the fire. He pulled her into his arms and with a final assurance to Leandra that everything would be okay, he stepped out the house. “I’m so sorry, love,” he murmured, knowing this had to be devastating for him. He’d come home victorious in his mission to provide for his family only to find out that his family had been torn apart while he was gone.

\---

“This is my fault. I should have let her come with us.” His eyes were fixed on the ground in front of him while he tried to think. Maybe if they wouldn't let her go voluntarily he could at least see her. “If she would have been with us, I could have protected her. You told me this could happen to you while I was gone and I didn't think to bring her for the same fucking reason.”

\---

He reached for him with his free arm, pulling him to a stop. “Garrett, stop it. You know as well as I do that what we did down there was dangerous. Everything worked out, but it was dangerous. Taking your sister down there would have been dangerous. If something had happened to us, your mother could have lost _both_ of you.” He set a hand on his chest. “You can’t control every outcome, love. I know you wish you could, but you can’t. You just have to do what you think is best and that’s what you did.”

“We’ll get her out and we’ll keep her safe, no matter what it takes, okay?”

\---

The forward momentum had helped him to stay calm and when Anders stopped him, his hands began to shake and his breathing picked up. He nodded to him, knowing he was right. He couldn't control everything that happened and he'd chosen as well as he could have. “...Okay. I want to find out if they'll let me see her. I have to know they haven't made her Tranquil already.”

\---

“If that’s what you want, we can do that.” He didn’t think it was the best course of action, but if felt like he needed to see her, then he could see her. “We need to talk about leaving, though. I know you don’t want to leave, but think about it. There’s never been a better time for it. You’ve come into a lot of wealth and you can do anything you want with it - you can move anywhere and establish yourself anywhere. It doesn’t matter where, it just can’t be here.”

“It’s not only safer for your sister, once we get her out, but it’s safer for me too.”

\---

“We can't just leave. I will be a force to be reckoned with. The Knight Commander will answer to me and she won't dare lay a hand on either of you.” He was getting far too worked up about this, his voice rising and growing very unsteady. The kitten in Anders’ arm curled up tightly, tucking her face into the crook of his elbow.

\---

“That isn’t how it works.” He knew he was worked up and he moved closer to him, setting a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll talk about this later.” He needed to calm down and so he leaned in, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and took his hand, so he could guide him back to their room.

\---

Hawke was soothed at least a little by the kiss but his hand was shaking hard enough that it was hard to maintain a proper grip for the rest of the walk home. That bath he needed no longer sounded so relaxing. He just needed to figure out what he could do and how soon he could do it.

\---

When they got back, he walked him to the room and told him to start taking off his armor so he could take a bath. Regardless of if he felt like it, he still needed to clean up. “I’m just going to drop Lucy off.” He shut the door behind him and made his way to Varric’s room, knocking on the door lightly.

\---

Varric looked weary, but smiled when he answered. “There's my girl. Thanks for picking her up.” He plucked the kitten from Anders’ arm, then cocked his head at him. “Why the long face, Blondie? You didn't look so glum last I saw you.”

\---

“I need your help, Varric.” He glanced behind him and then seeing that no one was there, squeezed in past him to enter the room. “Bethany was captured by the templars. She’s in the Gallows.” He wanted to get right to the point, knowing Hawke probably wasn’t doing well by himself. “Hawke wants to go straight to the Knight Commander and demand her back, but… I don’t think I have to tell you all of the reasons why that won’t work. I can’t leave his side tonight, can you do what you can to find out how she’s doing tonight?”

\---

His eyes widened as he listened, but he didn't hesitate to nod and pat Anders’ arm. “Leave it to me. Just try not to let him anywhere near the Gallows till you hear back from me. I know he's a hot head, but tie him to the bed if you have to - if he draws any attention to Sunshine, my gal is going to have a much harder time looking after her.

\---

“Of course.” He gave him an appreciative smile, though it was tired. “Thanks, we’ll talk in the morning.” He had to get back to Hawke, so he didn’t waste any time taking his leave and hurrying back to the room.

\---

Hawke was undressed to only his trousers and he was padding barefoot to the door with a towel in hand when Anders returned. He looked distraught and perhaps as if he'd even wept a little, but he was composed now. “I was just going to take my bath. I need to think.” He said softly when he saw Anders.

\---

“Do you want me to come with you?” he offered, thinking it would be better for him if he stayed with him. “I could help wash you.” If he really wanted to be alone, he wouldn’t force his company on him, but he was going to try.

\---

“You can come with me. But I don't want to talk about leaving.” He wasn't ready to get into that again. He wanted  his company and he wouldn't mind the soothing feel of his lover's hands while he bathed, but he wasn't interested in talking about the hard decisions he had to make soon.

\---

“We can worry about all of that later.” He took his hand and tugged him out of the room, guiding him to the washroom and helping to warm a bath for him. He just wanted to help him relax tonight and so after this, he’d lay him down, pleasure him with his mouth, and then help him get to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Hawke was still sleeping peacefully the next morning when Varric came to the door. It was growing close to noon, but the dwarf heard no sound in the room - if they were sleeping, he didn't want to wake them. They'd both been through a lot, but he didn't want to wake Hawke especially - the man would probably wake ready to grab his blades and go to the Gallows.

He tapped very lightly on the door, then listened closely for any sign of someone awake. “Blondie? You up?” He asked, his voice quiet but audible through the closed door.

\---

Anders had woken some time earlier, but as anxious as he was to hear from Varric, he didn’t want to leave Hawke. Even sleeping, it was possible he would wake up alone and panic to find him gone. As such, he was waiting. He figured Varric would come talk to him when he had information and sure enough, he looked up at the door at the sound of the tapping.

He was relieved as he went to answer it, opening it quietly and looking down at the dwarf. “Varric.” He glanced back into the room and then stepped out, keeping the door cracked so he would be able to hear movement from within.

\---

Varric had glanced inside and was relieved to see that the bearded rogue was still curled up on the bed. He hadn't run off to the Gallows, at least. “The news is good.” He liked building anticipation in his storytelling, but in intel, he knew suspense was not appreciated. “But not to be discussed in a hallway. My room or yours?”

\---

“You can come in ours, just keep your voice down.” He gestured him to come in, stepping back into the room and shutting the door behind him. He looked back at the bed and, assured he was still sleeping, moved to take a seat at the table.

\---

Varric sat down with him. He did stealth and whispered conversations very well, so he wasn't concerned about waking Hawke. “Sunshine is just fine. She had a rough first night because she was so afraid, but she made friends with the right people and they're watching her back. Right now she still has some time to acclimate, but she's starting to observe some of the older mages teaching the children and she thinks she might like to do that.” He rubbed at the stubble on his chin, looking weary. He hadn't slept and it was catching up to him. “I don't have to tell you that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows in there. She already caught the eye of one templar that tried to start some trouble, but my gal on the inside said he's been a problem with the girls before and she saw to it that he was transferred to oversee another area. She's keeping an eye on our girl and for now she's safe and even...well, happy, to be with other lady mages her age. The point is, we don't have to rush getting her out unless my gal says things have taken a turn. We can take our time and plan this to get her out safely.”

\---

He nodded, glad to hear it. “The quicker we can get her out the better, obviously, but rushing isn’t ideal,” he agreed. “I need time, anyway. Hawke’s convinced that he’ll get her out and that he’ll be able to convince them to leave her alone by stubbornness alone. He doesn’t want to accept that we’re going to have to leave Kirkwall when we get her out, but I’m sure he will after we’ve talked about our options some more.”

\---

“When word about him gets around a little more, he might have that kind of sway. But right now, the notoriety he's earned here would go to waste anywhere else.” He rubbed his temples in thought. “If he wants to stand his ground here to defend her, I can help him do it. But it's gonna take time. If she stays happy in there, that's fine. I wouldn't just trust that on observation though. I'd have to get someone there to talk to her and make sure she's really okay and willing to wait.

\---

He couldn’t help but snort softly. “Really, Varric? You think anyone has enough ‘sway’ to free mages from the Circle by demand? The demand would have to come from the Divine herself and we both know Hawke’s never getting that.” He shook his head. “Who cares about notoriety? If all that stuff you found down there is worth as much as you say it is, he doesn’t need it. He can go anywhere he wants with his family and be set for years, we just have to get her out.”

\---

“Don't underestimate the power of influence, Blondie. It's worth a lot more than money. He may not have the power of the Divine, but when he saves enough coin and headaches for the right people, they won't be able to help but bend rules for him. It's a big undertaking, but if anyone can do it, its him.” He gestured to the man on the bed who had turned to his back in his sleep, finally starting to stir. “But not if he leaves Kirkwall.”

\---

“ _Who cares?_ ” he repeated, not understanding what was so damn important about staying in Kirkwall. “I know you like this city and I know you want to make it better with him, but are you really suggesting that staying here and gaining influence with the hope that he _might_ be able to convince them to let her go one day is better than just taking her and going somewhere safer? One day, in the who-knows-how-long distant future? You really believe that leaving her in worst Circle in all of Thedas is worth power and influence that he doesn’t even have yet?”

\---

“As long as she's safe and happy, yes. It'll ultimately be safer in the long run.” He said gently, not wanting to work him up. “But if she needs to get out sooner, we can see to it that she and Leandra are moved someplace safe. Hawke needs to be here or everything he's worked for has been for nothing. The coin from this venture will only last so long.”

\---

“He can just as easily do what he’s been doing here somewhere else. He can gain coin and influence anywhere, it doesn’t _have_ to be here just because he started here.” He shook his head. “You surprise me, Varric. I didn’t know money and power were that important to you.” Maybe he should’ve, though. “I think Hawke will realize that it’s not more important than his family is.” He rose to his feet, done with his conversation for now. “Thanks for your help, I’ll let him know what you found out. You should get some sleep.”

\---

“You wound me. This isn’t about money or power. It’s about making a difference. Hawke is needed here and so are you, Blondie.” He rose to his feet as well, knowing he was being dismissed. “I’ll try to get someone out to see her today so they can talk to her. But please try to keep him and his daggers out of the Gallows if you can.”

\---

They would be needed anywhere they went. That wasn’t exclusive to Kirkwall. “I’ll do what I can.” He fixed his eyes back on Hawke, aware that he’d begun rousing, though it seemed he hadn’t really woken.

\---

He saw Hawke turn over in his sleep again, knowing the man was growing troubled and would wake soon. He needed to sleep himself, but he could at least try to keep an ear listening for Hawke to go ranting down the hallways if he got worked up enough to want to cut down the templars. “I’ll talk to you later.” He made a hasty exit, ready to get some rest.

\---

He got up to lock the door behind him, then moved to the bed to sit down on the edge of it. He ran his fingers through Hawke’s hair, wanting to sooth him as he woke. He watched him tenderly, his heart going out to him, knowing how much he was struggling with what happened the night before.

\---

He leaned into his touch lightly, seeking him as he woke. His features were already lined with stress even as he first opened his eyes. But it was a relief to find that he was home in their bed and Anders was with him. He reached up and stroked his arm gently. “Anders…”

\---

“Good morning, love,” he murmured, letting his hand slide down to his shoulder to give it a squeeze. “Are you feeling hungry?” He’d slept in late, so it’d been a while since he’d had supper the night before.

\---

“No.” Hunger was about the last thing on his mind. He pushed himself to sit up, leaning into Anders a little and rubbing his over his face to wake himself further. “I had a dream I went to see her and she was Tranquil. I had to kill her. My mother was there…”

\---

“She’s okay,” he told him, wanting to give him that comfort right away. “Varric stopped by to talk to me. He spoke with someone in the Circle - she’s doing okay. She’s doing well, even. No one’s messing with her and she’s making a place for herself already.”

\---

He looked to him then, still troubled but clearly surprised. “...She is?” It sounded too good to be true. That she was not only unharmed but doing well there. “She has to know I’m coming for her. Why would she be making a place for herself there?”

\---

“She’s just doing what she has to in order to protect herself.” He was sure that she knew he would come for her, but she didn’t know how long it would take. “She needs to keep it up until we can get her out.”

\---

“She will. She’ll do what she can to keep herself safe. I’ll go see her today, I’ll tell her to try to be patient. I just need a little time to figure out what to do. I need somewhere safe to keep her when she’s out. We’re moving anyway when I buy back our family home, they won’t find her there.” He rubbed his temples, much as Varric had when he’d been trying to clear his mind.

\---

He frowned. “Garrett, you can’t expect her to just stay inside for the rest of her life. She’s not safe in Kirkwall. The templars know her now. If they see her, they will go after her.” He knew he didn’t like it, but they had to deal with reality all the same. “The safest place for her is somewhere else entirely.”

\---

“Then some new templars can catch her. We can’t just keep running. I have to change this and I have to keep her safe until I can do it.” He stood from the bed, feeling much better after sleeping in a proper bed. “I know you don’t think I can do this, but I can.”

\---

“That’s not the same and you know it. If we go somewhere else, she’ll be able to blend in like she did before. I don’t know what she did for them to catch onto her, but if she goes somewhere where they don’t recognize her, it’ll be a lot less likely that she’ll be caught again. I know this better than anyone. You know how many times I escaped.”

\---

“I know, I know. But you didn’t have someone like me looking out for you, Anders. You do now and I’m going to to make this place safer for you both.” He started to dress himself, pulling on his armor over his clothes. “I can do this. I’m making a difference and now that we got what we needed from the Deep Roads, I can do so much more.”

\---

He watched him for a long moment, not sure what to say. When he did, he was tentative with his words. “You’re going to help the mages?” Thus far, Hawke had done minimal to help him in with this cause he’d attached himself to, in part due to the fact that Anders hadn’t been comfortable telling him about his efforts or asking for help. If he was motivated to do more now with his sister locked up as she was, maybe they could finally start working together.

\---

“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate to answer. He still supported the Circle in general and felt that plenty of mages belonged there. But he also knew that Bethany wouldn’t have done anything to justify them taking her. He’d done enough for the mages in this town to know that these templars often didn’t play by the rules. If he wanted to stay, he had to make sure both his sister and Anders would be safe. “This has to change.”

\---

A slow smile spread on his lips. “Okay, then for the time being… perhaps having your sister on the inside isn’t the worst thing. If she continues as she has been, she won’t be in too much danger. She just needs to make sure she doesn’t catch anyone’s eye.” He remembered what Varric said about her having already done so, but according to him, that had already been taken care of. He knew that the mages of the Circle were doing what they could to protect their own. They had to in a place like Kirkwall.  

“We’ll get in contact with her. I’m sure she’s already gotten more advice than she can handle, but I’ll give her some tips for laying low - she may want to cut her hair short - and make sure she’s in contact with the right people.” At this point he was all but talking to himself, working out how to best utilize this new resource.

\---

“My mother could talk to her. They’ve already seen them together so they wouldn’t be surprised she’d want to visit her. You can tell her anything you want her to relay to Bethany. So will I.” He needed her to know that he was fixing this. That she shouldn’t give up hope and do anything crazy in there.

\---

“That’ll work for now.” They had to go speak to Leandra anyway. He knew that she wanted to see her daughter as soon as possible, so it would be the simplest way to tell Bethany what they needed to for now. In the future, they had a few options. Varric’s contact, or his own. “We should get going. Your mother is probably waiting for us and has been all morning.”

\---

“Hopefully she’s finally getting some sleep. ...But I doubt it.” He knew his mother. She was probably sitting at the table, drinking bitter, black coffee and reading over some old letters as if there would be some sort of answer hidden within them. He grabbed his daggers and looked to his lover. “Ready?”

\---

“Ready,” he agreed, having already put himself together earlier. He grabbed his staff and threw it on his back, ready to go. It was going to be a long day, he was sure, and he still had his reservations about all of this, but with the promise of them being able to work together to better the Circle, he was feeling a lot better.


	19. Chapter 19

Leandra had indeed been drinking coffee at the table, but had been occupying herself with a game of solitaire rather than poring over old letters. She was running on caffeine and worry, still unable to relax enough for a proper meal, let alone sleep. When her son and his boyfriend came in to tell them what they’d heard about Bethany, she broke down in tears of relief. They hadn’t done anything to hurt her little girl.

She listened closely to the information she was supposed to convey to Bethany. She was so thrilled at the idea of seeing for herself that she was alright that it was hard to think straight, but she would remember it all because it was for her daughter’s safety. The boys walked her to the Gallows and she was grateful for it - she didn’t think she was in any danger, but she was feeling frail after days without rest. She kissed both of them on the cheek before going off to request a visit with her daughter.

It seemed they’d been given plenty of time to talk because it was nearly an hour before Leandra rejoined the men just outside of the Gallows. Hawke had been pacing anxiously, starting to become convinced that something had happened to his mother, but she embraced and soothed him as soon as she returned. “We’ll talk about everything when we get back to the house.” She said with a soft smile, having each of the men hold one of her arms for the walk back. Despite her lifted spirits, she was still feeling weak after all.

\---

When they got back to Gamlen’s house, Anders made sure to help her into a chair before letting go. “How is she?” he asked, just as anxious as his boyfriend was. He knew what the Circle was like and despite what he’d heard from Varric, he wanted to know how she was doing from her own mouth.

\---

“She's happy.” Leandra said softly when she was settled, looking incredibly relieved.

“Happy?” Hawke raised a brow. Tolerating her captivity until he could help her was one thing. But she certainly couldn't be happy there.

“I know my daughter and I know the look in her eyes when she's just going along to get along.” She insisted. “She's happy to have a group of girls that share magic with her. She said it's been nice to not have to run or hide - she's accepted for what she is. A senior mage has taking a liking to her and once she passes her Harrowing, she can start her training to help teach the little ones. She's looking forward to that.” Her eyes moved to Anders. “You should have seen her face when I told her to crop her hair short. I said it was for her safety, but she said it's not a problem anymore. The man the girls warned her about is no longer allowed to oversee her group.”

\---

Anders gave a troubled frown. He knew some mages took well to the Circle and for someone who had never really been around their own, he knew there was a sense of community there that could feel like a relief after being isolated and alone, but he’d thought she’d be as bent on freedom as he was. After all, her family was out here and as long as she was there, she could never leave. She  could never see her mother or her brother without first asking permission or without supervision.

“Leandra,” he started slowly, not wanting to worry her, but needing to make sure the reality of the situation was clear to everyone - especially Bethany. “I know that right now, the Circle might seem like a nice place where she can learn and share knowledge with people like her, but it’s not safe for her there. That man may no longer oversee her, but if he decides that he still wants her, there are ways for him to get what he wants.”

“She cannot let her guard down and she needs to tread carefully. If she gets too comfortable, too complacent, something will happen to her.” He set a hand a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t mean to scare you, but the Gallows is _not safe_ for her. If she truly likes it as much as she claims and she decides she wants to live her life as a Circle mage, the best thing she could do is request a transfer to another Circle. It is unlikely that they will give it to her unless she has a compelling reason as to why it would benefit them, but next time you speak to her, you need to tell her, from me, that she needs to take precautions.”

\---

All of the relief was gone from Leandra's face. “I don't know if she'll do it. She likes the girls where she is. Maybe I can go back tomorrow and talk to her again…”

Hawke pinched the bridge of his nose, his own brief hopes dashed as well. “If anyone hurts her, I'll kill them myself. I need to talk to Varric and see just how realistic it is for his contact to keep him away from her. If not, that asshole might have to go.” Killing templars wouldn't help the situation, but killing one templar and making it look like an accident was feasible.

\---

“I have contacts too,” he told him, giving Leandra’s shoulder a squeeze and then moving to him so he could comfort him as well. “We can make sure it’s as safe for her as possible. Not all Circles are bad as this one… if she keeps doing what she’s doing and makes herself valuable, we can try to get her transferred somewhere else. That is, if she even decides she wants to stay.”

He still thought she would change her mind and want out, but if she wanted to stay for now, it beneficial for everyone.

\---

“How do you have ‘contacts’ in there? I've kept you away from the Gallows since...well, since we went for Karl…” Hawke hadn't asked what he was talking about, too caught up in everything that was going on, but he needed to know where these informants are coming from.

Leandra looked between them, as weary and forlorn as she had been that morning. She knew her son felt responsible for this and that he was struggling with the fact that he really couldn't do a thing about it.

\---

“You know I’ve been in contact with mages around Kirkwall,” he replied, though he didn’t know just how much. “You’re forgetting when you helped me free those young mages. We went to the Gallows then, remember?” Hawke just had refused to let him in whenever his own missions involved mages, for whatever reason. He knew why, he just didn’t think his reasoning made sense, even if his heart was in the right place.

“There’s a few mages that outside the Circle trying to help those inside it. I’m just one of them. Their contacts are my contacts - we all share.”

\---

That was right. They had gone out there once after what happened with Karl. It made sense that he was still in contact with some of those mages. He looked a bit relieved as it sank in - that his contacts on the outside had contacts on the inside that they could exchange information with. “Okay. So you haven’t been back to the Gallows without me.” He said, but was watching Anders for confirmation.

\---

He hesitated, then replied carefully. “Well, no. Sometimes I have to go to help out.” He knew he wouldn’t like that, which is why he hadn’t mentioned it to him in the passing months, but he was hoping he would be more understanding as to why it was necessary now.

—

“...Sometimes you _have_ to go?” He turned toward him, his eyes wide. “I’ve made it very clear why I don’t want you there and I go out of my way to protect you from the templars but you still go there behind my back?” He asked, his voice growing sharp. “Don’t you realize that if you caught the eye of a templar, one good smite would do you in and I wouldn’t be there to do a damn thing about it? It’s a wonder that I’m not trying to get both my sister _and_ my boyfriend out of the Circle!”

\---

“I‘m careful, Hawke, and I don’t go alone, alright?” He’d stopped going alone ever since Varric had offered to go with him. He always took the rogue with when he had to go, letting him know in advance so he could plan around it.

“I know it’s risky, but it’s what I have to do and I know how to keep myself hidden.”

—

“I’ve been doing it so you _don’t_ have to, Anders!” He advanced on him, grabbing him by the shoulders. “You’ve been going behind my back when I’ve made it _clear_ that I don’t want you down there! It doesn’t matter how careful you are, you’re negating what I do to protect you!”

Leandra rose to her feet quickly, putting her hand on her son’s arm. “Garrett, stop. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need you to nanny him.”

\---

He flinched from his reaction, though it was about what he would have expected. “I’ve been doing a lot more than you have, Garrett. I know you’ve been doing what you can, but they need more help than what you’re willing to do and I would’ve asked you to help me, but you wouldn’t let me do what I need to if I did.”

—

“So instead of at least asking me you’ve been sneaking around the Gallows with someone while I thought you’ve been safe at home. Bethany was snatched away from us in a heartbeat and you’ve been all but offering yourself to them. Do you have any idea what I’d do if I lost you both?” He was absolutely seething and he gave him a hard shake.

“ _Enough_ , Garrett. Emotions are running high in all of us right now. You need to settle down.” His mother said firmly, trying to tug his arm from Anders. When he shook her off roughly, she scowled and smacked him sharply on his cheek, much like she would have when he was still a little boy and he was getting out of line with his temper. He wheeled on her, but she didn’t look even remotely intimidated by him, pointing her finger in his face to scold him. “You will not manhandle him. You can talk about this when you calm down.”

Hawke stared incredulously at her for a long moment, his hand flexing as if he was really considering slapping her right back. But instead her stormed away from them both.

\---

He was surprised by the smack and he took a step back when he was released, watching him go. “...I’m sorry, Leandra. I wish you hadn’t seen that.” He didn’t want anyone to see witness the arguments he had with his boyfriend, but he especially didn’t want anyone to see him touching him like that.

Though he’d grabbed him roughly before, he’d never done it quite like that. “This was a bad time for him to find out about all of that. I’m sorry,” he repeated, making an excuse for him.

“I should go talk to him.” He knew that talking didn’t really work when he was like this, but wanted to try and fix this. To show him that what he’d done was a good thing. It not only meant things were safer for his sister, but that they were further along in fixing things then they would have been.

Most importantly, it meant that they could work together from here on out.

\---

“I raised him, I’ve seen plenty. I’m just glad it didn’t escalate.” Sometimes a quick smack to the cheek hadn’t done the trick to get his attention when he and Carver used to get into it. “Leave him be for now.” She said, setting a gentle hand on his arm. “He needs to cool off. There won’t be any way to reason with him until he does.”

\---

He nodded, knowing that she was right. “Alright. I’ll make sure we come by tomorrow morning. We can talk about what to say to Bethany and take you there again.” He wanted to make sure what he’d told them was repeated to her. “Try to get some rest, okay?” He knew that it probably wasn’t safe to go back to their room, if he was going to give him time to cool down, so he decided he would check in on Varric, not remembering that the dwarf was probably asleep and had been since they left that morning.

\---

“You too, Anders. If he causes any problems, you send him to me.” Leandra looked incredibly weary and she settled slowly back into her chair. “If you’re too busy, I can go myself tomorrow. I’ll take Pickles with me.”

\---

“I won’t be.” There was nothing that was more important than everything that was going on with his boyfriend’s family right now. “We’ll see you tomorrow.” He took his leave and made his way back to the Hanged Man by himself, going straight to the dwarf’s room. He knocked lightly, remembering only after that he was probably sleeping. He winced a little, but remained where he was, just in case.

\---

Lucy answered the knock first, her striped paw sticking out under the door and swiping lazily at Anders’ boot. It didn't take long for Varric to answer to the door, looking disheveled but awake. “Blondie, I didn't think you'd be coming by. Come in if you want.” Considering the poor ending to their conversation early in the day, he didn't think the mage would want to speak to him.

\---

“Are you sure? I just remembered that you haven’t really slept.” He felt bad for bothering him, even though he wasn’t particularly pleased with him after earlier. He remained where he was, looking at him uncertainly.

\---

“I’m sure, I’ve gotten a nap in at least.” He opened the door further and gestured for him to go inside. “What can I do for you, Blondie?” He liked the mage’s visits for no reason. But considering all that was going on, he was sure he wouldn’t just be dropping by for a drink and a game of cards.

\---

He moved into the room, going to the table and leaning against the edge of it. “Leandra went to talk to Bethany. Apparently your contact was correct about how she’s been doing and how she’s feeling… so we’ve decided to let her stay for a little while. For as long as it isn’t dangerous.” Granted, it was always dangerous, but if she wasn’t being harmed then it could wait.

“...Hawke’s angry at me, though. I had to tell him what I’ve been doing with you around in our ‘free time’ and he reacted… well, you know. I need to give him some time to cool off, so I was wondering if I could stay here for a little bit? I suppose I could go to the clinic, but I don’t know that I’m really up to it today.”

\---

“Of course you can stay here.” Varric closed the door and plucked Lucy up from the floor. The kitten lounged back in his arms, not having needed much time to warm up to both him and his room. He carried the kitten to Anders and offered her to him - the mage was stressed and could probably use some fluffy, purring therapy. “I’m sure he’s not happy with me either, I was hiding it from him as much as you. But maybe now he’ll see we can all do this together and there won’t be any more sneaking around.”

\---

He took the kitten from him, pulling her into his arms and cradling her. “Well, he doesn’t know that it was you.” He hadn’t kept it from him intentionally, it just hadn’t come up. He stroked his fingers through her fur, keeping himself somewhat distracted as he went on, “I think he’ll realize it was for the best.” He hoped so, just as much as Varric did.

\---

Varric smirked as he watched Anders busy himself with petting the kitten. Half of the reason he’d kept it had been for Anders’ sake and he was even more glad with his decision seeing them now. Especially since Lucy was eating up the attention, purring loudly and stretching under his fingers. “He’ll probably be mad about it for awhile. But he’ll get it with a little time. Especially now that Bethany’s there, he has to see why it’s so important.”

\---

He nodded in agreement, moving to sit down and sitting the kitten on the table in front of him. “Where’s the yarn?” He wanted to play with her. It was proving to be a really good distraction and his stress was fading as he poured his attention into sweet kitty.

\---

“I’ve made her something new and improved.” Varric said proudly as he went to his bed and knelt down. She liked to hoard all of her treasures under there now that she didn’t spend all of her time hiding there. He pulled out a length of yawn with a feather and a tiny bell at the end. As soon as she heard the bell give a little jingle, Lucy’s body went rigid and her little claws dug into the wood of the table, ready to pounce. The dwarf chuckled and handed the toy over to Anders. “Watch out. She’s vicious.”

\---

He grinned. “Good.” He tossed the end of the yarn with the bell on the table in front of her. Then he slowly began to tug on it, tempting her to leap for it.

\---

She pounced, graceful despite her missing leg. She clawed at it, but it slipped through her paw, leading her to scramble after it. Varric took a seat and watched them, happy to see the two of them enjoying the game. “If Hawke doesn’t come back and you don’t want to go back to your room, you can stay overnight. I can take the chairs again.”

\---

When she managed to land right on it, he smiled. “Told you that she’d adapt just fine.” He wasn’t surprised, but he was glad to see it all the same. He looked up at him when he went on an shook his head. “If he doesn’t come back, I’ll just stay there.” It was him coming back that had him worried. He didn’t want to be there if he still needed time to himself. “You can go back to bed, if you want, it’s still early.” He had all day to wait for Hawke to show or not.

\---

“I have too much to do tomorrow morning, I can’t get my sleep schedule too messed up.” Varric said with a weary smile. “I have to stay up until at least some time this evening. The company will help keep me awake.” He pulled a quill and parchment on the table closer, figuring he could get some work down while Anders occupied the kitten. “I’m going to check with my gal first thing tomorrow, just to make sure nothing has changed with Bethany. At least for a little while I think I should be checking in daily.”

\---

“You can do that, though I’m planning on taking Leandra in to see her soon too. Maybe if you have some time, we can talk to some of the others about the situation. Have everyone keeping an eye on her.” Though he knew that they probably wouldn’t want to play favorites and spend all their time watching out for her if she wasn’t in danger so far.

“Maybe with Hawke’s help we can form an actual organization. Instead of just being a group of ragamuffins that are doing what we can when he have time.”

\---

“I’ll still check in with her. She keeps an eye on everything on the inside, not just Bethany. So if she’s caught someone else’s attention, my gal should know about it.” He scratched a few more words into his parchment, pausing to scratch Lucy’s ears when she stopped by to visit him before getting right back to chasing the feather. “We’ll have to come up with a good name for the group if we’re going to organize. Then we’ll really seem less like ragamuffins.”

\---

“We’ll see what happens. We can worry about all of that when we know Bethany is safe and Hawke has calmed down.” It might be a few days before everything has settled down, but hopefully it would come sooner rather than later.

\---

“That’s true, we’ll have to let him blow off some steam before he’ll be willing to talk about this. Even if it will help Bethany.” Varric kept up his work, starting to get absorbed in what he was writing. So much so that he let an hour slip by, leaving Anders alone to play with the kitten. His attention was only pulled from his parchment when he heard the heavy fall of boots go by the door and to the end of the hall. “Sounds like he’s still in a foul mood.” He observed, knowing an angry Hawke when he heard one.

\---

Anders tensed, his eyes going to the door even as the sound passed. He looked down at the table and nodded. “He needs more time alone.” He would stay here. He tried to turn his attention back to the kitten, but he was distracted as he stroked her, the string having long since lost her interest.

\---

“Probably a good idea. We can hide out in here.” Varric looked to the mage and the kitten, seeing that Lucy had worn herself out and was falling asleep beneath his fingers. “Looks like your playmate is tuckering out on you. Want to play cards for awhile?”

\---

“Yeah, sure.” That would provide a better distraction. He’d have to keep his mind on the game, so he scooped the kitten up and set her down on his lap, knowing she would be nice and warm there, freeing up the table in front of him. “Maybe a drink as well?” He needed one.

\---

“Absolutely.” Varric stood and picked up his parchment to tuck it away. He headed over to his shelf, grabbing a deck of cards and looking up at his liquor bottles. “What’s your poison tonight, Blondie?”

\---

Knowing that he might have to talk to his boyfriend at some point, he didn’t want to drink too much. “Just some ale, I think.” As much as he’d like a little whiskey, it would be better if he kept his wits about him.

\---

“Ale it is.” He poured drinks for them both and took his seat, eager to play for awhile and pass the time until Hawke was feeling a little more reasonable. It seemed it would work well for the first few rounds of cards, but as Varric shuffled for another deal, he heard those heavy boots headed toward his door. Hawke knocked but didn’t give him even a moment to answer, throwing the door open. The sound started Lucy enough that she jumped off of Anders’ lap, scrambling to crawl under the bed.

Hawke scowled at the pair of them, not very surprised to find Anders here. But he turned toward Varric, pointing an accusing finger at him. “You knew what he was doing in the Gallows, didn’t you? You knew and you didn’t say anything to me.”

Varric stood from his seat, putting his hands up defensively and flashing him a smile. “Hey, now. Let’s take it easy. Of course I knew, I know about everything that goes on in this town.”

\---

Anders tensed and then jumped when the door was thrown open. “Hawke,” he began, rising to his feet, taking a step towards him. “You’ve been stewing. You’re angry and you haven’t given yourself a chance to calm down. Why don’t you go back to the room and relax for a while? When you’re feeling up to it, we can all talk about this, okay?” He wanted to defuse the situation before it got any worse.

\---

“What is there to calm down for? You’ve been negating everything I’ve done to protect you. I’ve been doing what I need to for the mages but it just isn’t _enough_ for you. Now I won’t be able to go anywhere without wondering if you’re out with someone else traipsing around the templars!” Hawke snapped at Anders, turning on him sharply.

Varric grabbed Hawke by the forearm, knowing it was a little dangerous in the mood the man was in, but was relieved that he didn’t take a swing at him. “Listen to me, okay? You’re upset because you feel he’s been doing something unsafe. But he’s just fine, we’ve been very careful.” He felt it was best to reveal that he’d been the one with Anders, knowing that Hawke would likely trust him more than anyone else to keep his mage safe. “And now that it’s out in the open, we can do things together. Then you don’t have to worry about it, yeah?”

Hawke was seething and he pushed the dwarf back. “I was working for the mages and you two were _still_ sneaking around. I’m not stupid, Varric. I know it’s not just going to stop because I know about it.”

\---

“You’re right, it won’t, because you’ll come with us.” He took another step closer to him, though he kept enough of a distance that he couldn’t touch him. “It’ll be okay and when you see how careful we are, you’ll realize that it isn’t a big deal.” He understood why he was angry and to some degree, he didn’t blame him. He’d kept this from him and there was some trust broken with that, but he did think he would realize that he’d been unreasonable about this if he was brought in to work with them.

\---

“It will _always_ be a big deal when you’re around the templars. They have my sister, Anders. I’ve been doing everything in my power to make sure they don’t have a chance to take you. Don’t you get that?!” Hawke advanced on Anders, but rather than grip him as he had before, he wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace.

“You heard him. We’re not going to go anymore without you, okay? You can stay with us and make sure he’s safe yourself.” Varric had moved closer a bit warily, ready to help break things up, but at least it was just an embrace for now.

\---

He softened when he was embraced and he wrapped his arms around him in return. “I know you have. I know you want to make sure I’m safe and I know I’ve hurt you by keeping this from you and I’m sorry for that.” He meant it. He was sorry that it’d happened this way and he’d had to lie to him. “This is so important, though, love, and this is something that I need to do. I would’ve told you if I thought that I could, but I thought you would try to stop me.”

It didn’t make it right, but it was his reasoning. “I want to work with you. I want us to do this together and if we do, we’ll be able to accomplish so much.”

\---

“Don’t go sneaking around without me again.” Hawke growled into his ear, gripping him tightly in his arms. “Nothing is more important than you. _Don’t_ go back to the Gallows if I’m not with you from now on.”

\---

“I won’t. Between the three of us, it’ll be safer for everyone. Bethany too.” He wouldn’t have to go without him if he was available to him.

“I think you’ll be proud of me when you hear all we’ve done.” He wanted to try to push the topic onto the positives that he thought would change his opinion.

—

“No. I don’t want to hear about you in the Gallows. Everything you did behind my back.” He released Anders abruptly. There was no positive spin on this as far as he was concerned. “Come on.” He turned and started for the door.

The dwarf looked as if he wanted to object, but he held his tongue. At least Hawke had hugged him. That made it seem reasonably safe for Anders to go back with him. “...If you guys need a little space, Anders can always come back and finish our game…” He offered quietly. If Anders got kicked out again, he had somewhere to go.

\---

That was disheartening, but while everything was fresh, he wasn’t surprised he didn’t want to hear it. Maybe later, when he’d calmed down more.

He looked to the dwarf and gave him a little smile. “It’ll be alright.” If Hawke hadn’t reacted the way he had, hugging him and showing concern, he’d be less certain of that. As it was, he felt alright about going with him. “See you later, Varric. “

—

“Later, Blondie.” Varric watched them go, deciding to leave his door open a crack. He’d have to keep a close eye on Lucy, but it was important that he would be able to hear a fight between them quickly before it could escalate.

Hawke lead the way to their room, closing the door behind Anders when they were both inside. “Sit down.” He gestured toward the table, then took his own seat.

\---

Anders followed after him and when he was told to sit, he did so without hesitation. He knew how he was and this need for control was undoubtedly coming from having learned that he’d had far less than he thought he had. It was best to just do as he was told and let him regain that feeling of security while he felt this way.

\---

Hawke studied him closely, a scowl on his lips. “So what else are you doing when I’m gone? It seems you’re a lot busier than I knew, Anders.” He’d trusted that he was home safe or working in the clinic. But he’d been wrong and he needed to know how much more he’d been wrong about.

\---

He sighed, knowing where his mind had likely gone. “Nothing. Nothing else. I’m either with you, or I’m at the clinic, or I’m with Varric. Sometimes we play cards and talk. Sometimes we go on a mission, but Garrett, you have to understand… it only involves going to the Gallows sometimes. There’s a lot that has to be done outside of the Gallows too, you know.”

\---

“I don’t believe you. I need to know what you’ve been up to. If there’s anything else, you need to tell me now and not let me find out about it.” He warned, his tone low. “What do you do when I’m away, Anders? And _who_ do you do it with?”

\---

“Nothing,” he repeated, firmer. “I’m not lying to you. This is the only thing I haven’t told you about. I don’t have time to be doing anything else. The only free time I have, I spend with you.”

\---

“I don’t think you have any idea how much you mean to me. You wouldn’t have been hiding this from me if you did.” He folded his arms over his chest. “You convinced me to take you to the Deep Roads so they couldn’t take you and make you Tranquil while I was gone, but you’ve been risking that all the time when I’ve been away from you.”

\---

“No, I convinced you that either way was dangerous, so it was silly to stop me from coming when there was risk all around.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Garrett, I didn’t want it to be like this, but you have to stop sheltering me for ‘my own good’. It’s not for my own good. It’s for your peace of mind. I appreciate how important that is to you, but I can’t live my life around your peace of mind. I need you to trust me.”

\---

“It _is_ for your good! But that doesn’t matter to you!” He stood, abruptly enough to knock his chair over. He walked over to the fireplace, taking a deep breath and running and hand through his hair to try to calm himself down before he got any more worked up. “I guess I haven’t been sheltering you anyway, so what does it matter?”

\---

“It matters to me. It matters that you care about me so, but I’m an adult and sometimes… sometimes you treat me like a child.” He remained where he was sitting, watching him carefully. Despite how worked up he was, he felt like they were making a lot of progress - he’d never really talked to him for this long when there was an issue between them.

\---

“I do not treat you like a child. I treat you like a man who is always in danger because _you are_ and we both know it!” He snapped, his back still turned to him. “And now I can’t even trust where you tell me you’re going to be. You’ll decide I might object to something you want to do so you’ll do it and hope I don’t find out.”

\---

“You treat me like a man that cannot take care of himself, but we both know that I can.” He sighed, looking down at the table. “This was a special circumstance and we both know it.”

\---

“You can, but not against the templars! That’s why they’ve caught you so many times before! They’re specifically equipped to negate your powers!” He lashed out, throwing a hard punch into the brick around the fireplace. He was at least thoughtful enough to choose a target that wouldn’t give, not wanting to pay the landlord for putting his fist through the wall.

\---

He looked up at the sound of his fist hitting the brick and he quickly rose to his feet, closing the distance between them. “Don’t hurt yourself.” He didn’t want him to work himself so much that he injured himself. “Let me see your hand.” That wasn’t why they’d caught him so many times before, but he was more worried about what he’d done to himself than explaining that to him.

\---

He stared at the brick in front of him, considering hitting it again just to spite Anders. But the fussing over him softened him enough that he turned toward him, offering his hand to him. He didn’t feel like he’d broken it again, but the grit of the brick had torn up his knuckles.

\---

He took hold of it and after assuring himself that he’d only fractured it a little, he healed it for him. “No more punching walls,” he told him, holding the hand in both of his. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself. You get hurt enough.”

\---

“I usually punch thugs when I’m angry. But the wall was a better choice tonight. I don’t want to leave tonight.” He let Anders hold his hand, his eyes low. “I don’t want to fight with you. I only wanted to keep you safe. That’s what all of this was about.”

\---

“I know, love. I don’t want to fight either.” He pulled his hand up and gave his knuckles a kiss. “Why don’t we relax for tonight and we’ll talk tomorrow?” They would both being feeling better tomorrow.

\---

The kiss softened him a little further. He didn’t want to talk about it the next day, but he did want to relax with him for the night. He embraced him tightly, his body incredibly rigid and tensed with stress. “I just want to enjoy being with you tonight. There’s enough to worry about tomorrow already.”

\---

“Then that’s what we’ll do.” He was beginning to understand how to get through to him and how to deal with his anger. With enough time, maybe he could even help him understand how to deal with his own anger. “Why won’t we read a book together?” Sometimes he liked to read to pass the time and it would be nice way to relax for the rest of the night.

\---

“Yeah, okay.” He didn’t know if he could settle down enough to read. But maybe if Anders read to him, he could relax a little. He started for the bed, wanting to pull off his boots and lay down. “Pick whatever you want. I’ll just listen to you.”

\---

“Alright.” He went to grab a book and then started to get comfortable himself, pulling off everything but his under robes. He could switch into his tunic and trousers, but sometimes he didn’t bother. When they were both in bed and comfortable, he opened up the book to where he’d left off, since he’d been reading it off and on when he had time, and began to read aloud to him.

\---

Hawke settled his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes. He was still upset with him, but he was tired. The warmth of his body and the sound of his voice were so soothing and right now, that was more important than anything else. He could finally relax, taking his mind off of the Gallows and Bethany at least for a little while to enjoy the story being told to him.


	20. Chapter 20

It was a relief that Bethany was doing what had been asked of her and she still seemed very happy where she was. There were several sets of eyes on her and so Hawke felt considerably better about her safety. With her settled and adjusting well, he was able to turn his attention toward investing his wealth from the expedition, primarily getting a proper home for his loved ones. He bought back his mother’s family home and furnished it extravagantly, getting all of it done without showing Anders or his mother. He wanted to surprise him both.

He decided that he wanted to show it to Anders first, too excited for his lover to see the place for the very first time. Since he was already showing something off for the very first time, he decided to show him another first while he was at it - his face. He’d told Anders to come to the place when he was finished at the clinic, using the time alone to shave. When he’d finished, he spent a long time just staring at himself in the mirror. He looked like a teenager again, in his own eyes. It had been the last time he’d seen his face without the beard after all. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but he at least hoped that Anders would like it. All that was left was to wait for him to arrive and see what he thought - both of his shave and the mansion.

\---

Even though Anders had already gotten in the habit of closing the clinic early, he couldn’t help but close it earlier even still, excited to see the place he would be living. All of his stuff was still in the Hanged Man, but he would have plenty of time to move it over and it wouldn’t even take more than a single trip to do so, as little as he had. It would be a project for another day.

When he arrived outside the mansion, his head shook slightly in awe. This was it. This was the place he’d purchased and actually, it was the place that he would’ve been living all this time if his uncle hadn’t been an asshole.

Even though it was going to be his home, he didn’t feel comfortable just walking in, like he would have in the room they shared, so he knocked on the door, waiting for him to answer.

\---

Hawke knew who it would be and he smirked his entire way to the door. He opened it and smiled at him, deciding not to say anything at all. He knew that for an instant, Anders might not even realize who he was. He almost hadn’t recognized himself. It would ruin the confusion if he spoke up and his voice gave him away.

\---

He bounced on his feet a little when the door opened, but then he went still. He looked at him for a long moment, then his eyes widened. They went down to his chin, up to his eyes, down to his chin, then up to his dimple. “Garrett!” He threw himself at him, crashing into him and grabbing hold of his cheeks. “Holy shit.” He looked so different and he found himself twisting his face this way and that, admiring it. “ _Holy shit._ ”

He looked as handsome as he thought he would, but that _dimple_. It was enough to melt him and he leaned in to press a kiss to it.

\---

He laughed at the reaction, barely keeping his footing when he was pounced on. He wrapped his arms around him, letting him angle his face whichever way he liked. “Does that mean you like it?” He asked, already knowing the answer. “Are you even really sure that I’m me?”

\---

“Honestly, it’s not even that much different.” It was, of course, since he’d never seen him without the beard, but he still looked like himself. Just a little… naked. “I really like it. I really like your beard too, but it’s so smooth.” He stroked his fingers along his skin. Then he leaned in to press kisses to his jaw.

“I couldn’t do this before,” he smiled, touching the skin with his lips. Then with his tongue.

\---

 

“You could. Is just would have been very hairy.” He chuckled, his breath catching a little at the feel of his tongue. That was rather nice, especially with the skin so sensitive after a shave. “I might get chilly without my beard. You’ll have to make sure I stay warm.”

\---

“I can warm your face with my thighs,” he offered, pulling back to look up at him with a little suggestive smirk. “You’re so handsome, Garrett.” He really thought so and though he’d accept whatever he wanted him to do, he wanted him to feel confident no matter what.

\---

“I don’t doubt that you will.” He stole a kiss from him. “Maybe I’ll keep it shaved at least a little while then, since my face didn’t scare you off. Now come on, you need to see your new home.”

\---

“How am I supposed to look at anything else?” he argued, really having trouble tearing his eyes from him. When he did, he took in the entry hall silently. “...This is about as big as our room, isn’t it?” It wasn’t even a room and it was already bigger than what they had.

\---

“Maybe a little bigger.” Hawke smirked and took him by the hand, guiding him around the ground floor. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Just wait until you see upstairs.” He wanted to show him their bedroom and the enormous bed he’d gotten for them - at least enormous by the standards of the things they’d been sleeping on since their relationship began.

\---

As they got further into the house, he was definitely impressed. He’d never lived in a place like this. Grand as Kinloch was, he wouldn’t consider it luxurious. As far as Vigil’s Keep went… it was a old castle with cramped barracks. That was all there was to be said about that. Since then, he’d just crashed in various places for varying amounts of time, so to have gone from literal sewers to this… It was incredible.

“How many floors does it have?” he asked, just wanting to be clear. He thought only two, but he really wasn’t sure.

\---

“Three, including the cellar.” He tugged him toward the stairs. He was excited to show him all the rooms up there. “I don’t even know what we’d do with all the space if there were more floors. I’m already hoping my mother has some ideas for things to fill some of the rooms until Bethany can move in.”

\---

“I want to see our room.” He had no idea what it would be like, but if it was anything like the rest of the house, he knew it would be grand. The other rooms would be interesting to and he’d peek at them, but they didn’t matter as much as the room he would be sharing with him.

\---

“Good, that’s the room I’m most excited to show you.” He took him to the master bedroom, pushing the door open and tugging him inside. It still looked a little bare, but the basic furnishings were already in place. “This is ours.” The entire place was, but this room in particularly was exclusively theirs. “What do you think?”

\---

The bed dominated the room and when he pulled away from him to look around, he ended up concluding his exploration by flopping onto it. “It’s incredible.” He rolled onto his back and looked up at him. “It’s so much better than I expected.” Not that he’d expected this place to be bad, but he’d never expected something like this for himself.

Living in a place like this wasn’t exactly conducive with being on the run.

“Without you, I’d never be living in a place like this.”

\---

“You helped me earn it.” He flopped down onto the bed beside him. He stretched, then folded his hands behind his head. It was a really nice bed after all. “We can start sleeping here tonight if you want to.”

\---

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He wanted to stay here for the rest if the night and then maybe in the morning they could move their stuff in. “We have to break in the bed, after all.” He rolled to his side to look at him, propping his head up on an arm. He couldn’t stop staring at him and he couldn’t help but reach with his free hand to brush his fingers over his jaw.

“Has your mother seen you?”

\---

“Oh yes. This isn’t really our bed until we break it in.” He closed his eyes, enjoying the touch. “She hasn’t seen me. She didn’t even know I was planning to shave. She’ll be so surprised.”

\---

“I have to see her reaction.” He wanted to be there when she saw him for the first time. “When are you going to see her?” He assumed either some time tonight or tomorrow, but whenever it was, he wanted to be there.

\---

“I’ll make sure you’re there.” He turned his head to look at him, a smile on his lips that brought out the dimple his mother had told Anders about. “I’ll get her tomorrow. For tonight, I’d like it to be just us.”

\---

“Perfect. Tomorrow it is. We’ll get her together and I can see her reaction.” He sounded so keen. After a beat, he scooted closer. “I love you.” He loved him more than he’d ever loved anyone and he knew the feeling was returned. In part, he’d done all of this for him. For all his flaws - few as they were - he knew that Hawke would do anything for him and he felt the same. They were meant for each other.

\---

“I love you too.” He loved him so much and for tonight, it was just them. No neighbors down the hall, no noisy patrons downstairs. It was just the two of them. He turned up on his side toward him, draping an arm around him. He was glad that he hadn’t said anything to his mother - for tonight, even his bare face was just for the two of them.


	21. Chapter 21

The next morning, Hawke woke up completely sprawled next to Anders. It was amazing to have enough space in bed to do that. After breakfast and touching up his shave, he took his lover by the hand. “Want to go get my mother and Pickles so we can show off the new place?” Of course, that wasn’t the only thing they’d be showing her - he knew Anders was excited to see her face when she saw her son without a beard for the first time in years.

\---

“Yes!” He was eager to see her reaction. To both his face and the mansion, but mostly to his face. He was also looking forward to getting their stuff, which he figured they’d do after they showed her the place. He didn’t know if she intended on staying there right away or not, though he didn’t see why she wouldn’t, but they could also help her bring her stuff over after.

By the end of the day, they could all be completely moved in.

\---

“Alright, let’s go see her.” Hawke kissed him and took him by the hand, leading him out for the walk to his uncle’s house. His uncle’s house that his mother would no longer be stuck in. When they reached the front door, he looked to his lover, a smirk on his lips. “What do you think? Should I just knock and keep quiet, see what she does?”

\---

“Yeah, I liked the way you surprised me.” He thought it would be fun to surprise her the same way. This way he could basically see what his own reaction had been. As reluctant as he’d been to shave, he could tell that he was enjoying this part of it and he couldn’t help but wonder what everyone else’ reactions would be.

\---

Hawke knocked at the door, waiting patiently for his mother to answer. He shifted his weight between his feet and when his mother answered the door, he grinned at her, watching to see if she struggled to recognize him.

Of course she didn’t. Leandra flung herself at him, her eyes stinging with tears. “My baby boy! You look so young…” She kissed his cheek, then pressed a finger into his dimple. “Oh, you’re so handsome. I’ve missed seeing you this way…”

\---

Anders grinned, looking so pleased with himself as he watched the exchange. He didn’t want to interrupt, but he did want to bask in victory, so he waited for her to get over the wave of emotion that had hit her.

\---

Hawke chuckled but was still, letting her fuss and coo over seeing his face. It took some time for her to be able to look away from him and when she did her eyes went to Anders. “Did you do this? Did you convince him to shave?” She couldn’t wait for an answer and she looked back to her son, running her fingers over his smooth jaw.

\---

“The day you told me about his dimple,” he replied proudly. He hadn’t gotten around to it until now, but he’d had him convinced the very same day.

\---

At that, she finally released Hawke. She went to Anders instead, holding his cheeks in her hands and pressing a kiss to each of them. “Thank you, sweet boy. I knew if anyone could convince him, it would be you.”

“Guys, you’re hurting my beard’s feelings.” Hawke chuckled and brushed his fingers over his cheek, trying to scratch at his phantom beard that was no longer there to scratch.

\---

His grin widened. “I don’t know, you weren’t so sure when I left that day, but you’re right.” He didn’t think anyone else could have convinced him and that alone made him so pleased that he had. “That’s not the only surprise we have. We’re going to take to see the new - or I suppose for you it’s old - place.”

\---

“So many old surprises. My little boy’s face, my old family home. Far better than any new surprises if you ask me.” She released Anders only to take his arm instead. “Let’s get going, then.”

Hawke called for Pickles, then closed the door when the mabari came rushing out after them. He patted his dog, then started toward the mansion. It would only be better if Bethany was with them, but he didn’t dare say that and upset his mother while she was so happy.

\---

He was warmed when she took his arm and he lifted it slightly so the grip was comfortable for her. He lead the way, walking at her pace and enjoying the sun as it shined on them. This was a good day for all of them and he was glad that he was able to share it with both of them.


	22. Chapter 22

Hawke had been very busy, first investigating the serial killer and then hunting him down. He’d all but completely narrowed down his location and all that was left to do was get a group together and finish it. It had been taking a lot of time away from what they’d been doing for the mages, but he’d been keeping Anders with him so he knew his lover wasn’t running off without him. Bethany was still safe and doing well in the Circle and he thought his boyfriend must understand why this needed to be his priority for now.

He’d gone to meet up with Varric to check for any rumors about the killer’s current movements, leaving Anders to tend to his clinic while he put the last pieces of this investigation together. If they had reason to think he was at his hideaway now, he could gather his boyfriend and the rest of the group by nightfall to launch their attack.

When he was finished, he decided to head home. Varric’s people seemed to think the killer was on the move, so it wasn’t ideal to strike now. It wasn’t time for Anders to close the clinic yet and he could meet him when he returned to update him on what the dwarf had to say.

He paused at the door, frowning. It was ajar. That was odd. Unless his mother came in with her arms full from the market and didn’t get the door pulled closed all the way, he had no idea why it would be open. When he came inside, it was all the more strange that Pickles didn’t come to greet him. Even when he whistled for the mabari, there was nothing. So perhaps his mother went out, she wouldn’t have gone anywhere without taking the hound with her. It was perfectly likely, but something about the open door unnerved him. He walked around the house, looking for Leandra or perhaps a note that she’d left. He found no note, but he found something that made his heart sink. White roses.

Hawke went racing out the door, fortunately armed and armored from his earlier visit with Varric. He sprinted to the clinic, choosing to go above ground in case he could spot any of his other comrades along the way and have them ready. He wasn’t so lucky, but that wasn’t what mattered. Right now, he needed Anders. He shoved the door to the clinic open so hard he nearly knocked it from  his hinges. He raced to his lover, not seeing the blood or the people lying on the tables and the floor - far more than usual. There had been an escaped bull from a nearby farm and people had been trampled and gored before the beast had been brought down. Hawke stepped right over one to get to his boyfriend, putting his hands on his shoulders and turning him from his work. “Anders, we have to go. We have to go right now.”

\---

Anders tensed when he was grabbed, not at all unfamiliar with being tugged around in situations like this. It always by people who thought he wasn’t providing care quickly enough, trying to get his attention and redirect him to whoever they thought mattered. Sometimes they did it even when he was in the middle of tending to someone else, someone worse off, and they had gull to get angry at him for telling them to back off.

Sometimes he just didn’t have time to be nice.

In this case, however, he was surprised to find himself face to face to with his boyfriend. He could see how ashen he was and his heart rose into his throat, looking past him and at the door as if expecting to see someone coming in after him. He could only think of one reason why he’d be barging in like this and if the templars were close…

“Hawke, what is it? I can’t-” Beside them the woman he’d been tending to let out a gargling groan and he looked back to her, seeing her eyes rolling back. He broke away from him and returned to her side just as she began choking on blood. He busied himself with healing her, all of his attention going to her, even though he was aware that something was wrong in the back of his mind.

\---

Only then did Hawke look down at the table. He could see that Anders had a crisis on his hands. His stomach turned as he realized this was nothing he could wrap up even remotely quickly - he was going to have to go do this without his lover. It was probably better that way. He didn’t want to endanger Anders when his mother was already at huge risk, but at the same time, it hurt that he was going to have to do this without his support. “I have to go. He has my mother.” He murmured, already starting to step away from him, this time stumbling over the man on the floor and nearly falling.

\---

It took a moment for the words to register, but when they did, he looked back up at him. “Hawke?” Even then, it didn’t seem to quite hit him. “Haw- Garrett, come back.” He moved to take a step towards him, but remembered what he was dealing with and the woman that was near death on his table. She was bleeding internally and if he stepped away for long, she _would_ die.

\---

He stopped where he was but didn’t move closer to him again. He needed him, but he couldn’t waste time. He had to go to her. “He took my _mother_. He left the roses. I have to go. I have to save her.” His voice was almost distant, not having time to process all the shock of this just yet, just knowing instinctively that he had to keep moving.

\---

He stared at him, his heart picking up. It was finally hitting him, but he didn’t have time. “Maker,” he breathed, looking around at everyone that was waiting for him. The woman on his table wasn’t the only one that would die if he didn’t resume what he was doing immediately. “Go. Go get everyone. Take everyone with you.” He wanted to go with him. “I’ll come find you.” He just had to finish this. He sounded so strained, wanting to go with him and needing to stay, knowing that he was needed by all of these people and by the man he loved.

\---

“No. Go home when you’re done here so I can find you. I don’t know where we’ll be if we have to chase him. I need to be able to find you so you can help her when I bring her back.” He moved closer again, stealing a brief but very needy kiss from him before he started quickly for the door. He had to get moving, he had to go find everyone he could and get to her.

\---

He watched him go, helpless, but he heard someone call for him and he quickly returned to what he was doing. He’d already been working hastily, but now it was for another reason entirely. He wanted to save these people, he did, but he needed to be home and available, should they return soon than expected, so he worked with a heavy heart and an ill gut.


	23. Chapter 23

It was late in the night that the front door to the mansion finally opened. They’d found Pickles along the way and the dog moved in first, his ears and head down as he made his way to lay in front of the fireplace. Varric made his way inside first, scouting ahead for Anders. Isabela helped Hawke through the door, taking much of his weight. He’d held it together quite well on their way out of the killer’s lair, but once they’d started the quiet walk home, shock had set in and the rogues had made the unspoken decision together that they needed to make sure he got home and he wouldn’t be alone when he got there. “Blondie?” Varric called softly from the entryway as he headed inside to look for him.

\---

As soon as he heard the door open, Anders jumped to his feet from where he was sitting restlessly on the couch, hurrying towards the door. The dwarf wasn’t exactly who he wanted to see, but he was somewhat relieved to see him. He relieved that someone was there to tell him what was going on. “Where are they?” It had taken them long enough and he’d fought with himself on whether to try to find them or to stay where he was, but he was glad he’d stayed now that something was finally happening.

\---

Varric went to him and put a gentle hand on his arm, shaking his head. “Nothing you could have done, it was too late.” Was the first thing he said, keeping his voice low. He knew Hawke wasn’t far behind him. “We wanted to make sure you were here. You send that dog for me if you need something, okay?” He wasn’t going to come by and disturb them, thinking it was best to give Hawke at least a day with just his lover, but he also needed to be reachable if they needed anything.

He stepped away from Anders a moment later when Isabela guided Hawke toward them. He was hurt and likely had broken his arm by the way he was holding it, but he wasn’t in any pain. He hadn’t felt it when he’d charged in front of Fenris to lead the fight on the man who’d taken his mother and he hadn’t felt it when he watched his mother die. Hawke looked up to Anders and though his lips parted, he couldn’t say anything. Right now, he had no idea what to say. Isabela spoke up instead. “Why don’t we help you lay him down somewhere and we’ll get out of your hair, Handsome…”

\---

He stared at him as if he hadn’t heard him, completely at a loss. He tore his eyes from him when the pair stepped in, his eyes fixing on his lover. He couldn’t bring himself to move or speak and when he realized he hadn’t said anything for long enough, he forced himself to focus. “Y-yeah. Let’s go upstairs.” He moved to his side, helping to brace him, his hand coming to rest gently on his broken arm.

\---

Isabela moved up the stairs with him, glad that Hawke was cooperating and moving along. If he decided to shut down completely, it might have been quite a chore to get him the rest of the way to his room in all of his armor. Varric stayed behind, wanting to offer as much privacy as the two of them could give until they got the man settled.

When they got him to his bed and sat him down, Isabela tried to start pulling his boots off, but Hawke resisted. He wanted to stay as he was and he wanted her to go. She squeezed the man’s hand, then looked to Anders. “We’ll get going. You’ll tell us if you need something?”

\---

“Yeah, I’ll let you know.” His voice sounded distant. He’d sat down beside him and was still touching the broken arm, wanting to take care of it, but feeling like he didn’t know how. He knew how, but it felt like putting a bandage over a gaping wound. It felt like nothing at all.

He waited until she was gone, then after a couple of false starts, he finally addressed him. “I’m so- I’m _so_ sorry, Garrett.”

\---

He’d heard a lot of ‘sorry’ in the last hour. He turned his head to look at him and gave him a little nod. He supposed he was sorry and maybe he should be - it was a mage who had done this, a mage that if kept in the Circle where he belonged would not have been able to do this. But right now, he couldn’t speak. He simply watched him with haunted eyes.

\---

It was painful to be on the end of such a look. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, tears welling in his eyes. He could see how much he was hurting and he wanted to take it away. It hurt him too. He’d become so very fond of Leandra; she was the closest thing he’d had to a mother since he’d been a boy and she was gone. “I’ll take care of your arm for you.” He carefully began to examine it, wanting to see how bad it was before he attempted to mend it.

\---

He offered his arm to him, but it really didn’t matter to him. The pain of it was barely beginning to register. Right now a broken arm felt extremely unimportant. His mother was gone and he was going to have to find some way to tell Bethany about this. He parted his lips again, but still couldn’t bring himself to talk. If he said anything about it, it would make all of this feel a little more real.

\---

He focused on taking care of him, healing the break and giving his arm a squeeze afterwards. “Let’s get you undressed so you can lay down.” His eyes were still wet, but the moisture clung to his lashes and he was able to keep it from falling. He picked up where Isabela left off, trying to take off his shoes.

\---

When Anders tried, he allowed it. He helped him to pull his feet out of his boots and started to pull off his armor. He was bloodied and needed to be cleaned up, but right now laying down sounded better. He wanted to be bare, at least having the use of his arm again to help him get that much done. His breathing was starting to pick up a little as it started to sink in that he was home, but his mother was not and she wouldn’t be again.

\---

“I’ll be right back.” He slipped off of the bed, carrying his armor and clothing out as he did so, taking it to the washroom. He left it there and grabbed and wet a couple of cloths to take into the bedroom.

When he returned, he went right to him, sitting down beside him and beginning to wipe off what he could from him. “I’m here for you,” he told him quietly, every touch tender. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”

\---

His breathing had grown a little more irregular while Anders was gone and he looked to him when he returned. The feel of the cloth was soothing, but rather than calm the emotions that were starting to surface, it made tears start to sting his eyes. “I was too late.” It was the first time he’d spoken in awhile and his voice was so quiet he hardly recognized it himself.

\---

“It’s not your fault.” He was sure he didn’t believe it and the words were no comfort, but it was true. It wasn’t his fault. “You did all that you could. She knows that.” He didn’t know what happened, but he knew that she would never blame him for what happened to her.

\---

“She didn’t blame me. She said she was proud. But I couldn’t help her.” He shook his head, the tears starting to roll down his cheeks. He can’t remember how many years it had been since he’s really wept. He’d welled up for a little while when he found out about Bethany. But he’d never let the tears fall. He hadn’t saved her and he hadn’t saved his mother.

\---

His throat thickened. So she’d still been alive when he found her… she must’ve been bad off to come back without her. He should’ve gone with him. He could’ve done something. Varric had said otherwise, but that was obviously wrong if he’d had time to talk to her. “There’s nothing I can say, I know that.” He wished there was. He wished he could do something to bring him back for her, but he’d stayed behind and in doing so, he’d chosen all of those people over the mother of the love of his life.

“I should’ve come. I’m sorry.”

\---

“I needed you there.” He covered his face with his hands. “I went to you first. I needed you. I can’t even bury her. He had all the women in pieces. That sick fuck stitched them together like a doll. I don’t even know how much was my mom.” He knew Anders couldn’t have healed her. But that didn’t change the fact that his lover hadn’t been there for him. He’d seen something horrific and his lover had stayed at the clinic when he needed him the most.

\---

His eyes widened, horrified by what he was hearing. His mouth opened, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t have gone, they both knew that, but… he should have. If he’d known what would happen, he would have, but they couldn’t have anticipated this. “I’m here. I’m here and I’m staying here. I won’t leave you.”

\---

He sobbed into his hands, unable to stop it once he’d started. His shoulders trembled as he let it all out, breathing in harsh, agonized gasps. He’d needed Anders there, but he also needed him now. At least for now he could let his lover soothe him as much as was possible.

\---

He wrapped him up in his arms, holding him tightly. Trying to give him every measure of comfort he could. He knew there was nothing he could say, so he stopped trying to speak. His presence would be a better comfort and so he would give him that for as long as he needed, as promised.

\---

He let Anders hold him, keeping his face covered as he lamented. It took him a long time to quiet, struggling to regain himself once he’d finally let go of his control. When he’d finally eased off his weeping a little, he lowered his hands to bury his face in Anders’ robes instead. “He was a mage. We might have been helping to keep him safe while he was killing these women. While he mutilated and reanimated them.”

\---

“No…” That wasn’t even close to being true. “I don’t know who he was… but if he was doing that kind of magic, he was a blood mage. We haven’t helped any blood mages.” What they did had nothing to do with any of that.

\---

“How do we know that?! Half the mages we’ve been helping could be blood mages.” He clutched at Anders, his tears wetting the shoulder or his robe. “I was prepared to find her dead or dying. I wasn’t prepared to find her head stitched on some other woman’s neck. Still able to talk to me and tell me that she was going to see Carver and my father.” Only a mage could do something that horrific.

\---

“It’s not like that, love.” His voice was so tight, the imagery hard to listen to. He couldn’t imagine actually seeing it. “He was a bad man. A lot of men are bad. It had nothing to do with him being a mage.” Anyone could’ve done that. Cut women apart and put them together. He just happened to be a mage that could take it farther.

\---

“It had _everything_ to do with him being a mage! He was trying to rebuild his wife. You know why my mother had to die slowly and horrifically? Because she looked enough like his wife that he _decapitated_ her and reanimated her on a shambling corpse.” He was losing it again and he started to hyperventilate, clutching at Anders hard enough to hurt him.

\---

He winced, but didn’t try to stop him. He was in pain and if he needed to hold him this hard then he could. “He was sick. He was a sick man. Any man can be sick.” He didn’t want to argue with him about this, so he left it there. “Shh, it’s okay. Take deep breaths.” He stroked his hand over his back, trying to encourage him to relax his breathing.

\---

“It’s _not_ okay!” He cried into his shoulder, working himself back up to sobs. He knew he had to be bruising Anders’ back with the grip he had on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to loosen it. Anders hadn’t been there. He’d chosen strangers over going with him to help his mother. “You didn’t _see_ it!” His breathing was getting so harsh and fast his chest was beginning to ache, but that didn’t matter much to him right now either.

\---

“Shh,” he continued, no longer trying for words. He rocked him, scarcely aware of the pain of his hold. He shut his eyes, wanting so badly to take this hurt away. He couldn’t though, so he would have to feel all of it for as long as it lasted. It would probably never fully fade, but it wouldn’t always be like this.

\---

He wasn’t able to say any more, though he wanted to. He wanted to remind him that he hadn’t been there for him when he needed him. That he couldn’t defend the mages for this. But that could wait. Right now, he had to focus on settling himself down. He exhausted himself, but managed to at least settle before the hyperventilation could make him pass out. He eased his hold, growing so still and so quiet, it might have seemed as if he had actually gone unconscious. He wished he had. He didn’t want to sleep, but he didn’t want to deal with any of this either.

\---

When it seemed he’d fallen asleep, he tried to ease them into a more comfortable position. Though there was never much sound in the mansion, it sounded so quiet. There wasn’t even a fire crackling nearby. All was silent and still and as much as that hurt, it felt appropriate.

His beloved rogue had been through so much.


	24. Chapter 24

By the time they had settled, it had only been a few hours before dawn. Hawke didn’t sleep, but had remained still and quiet. Feeling Anders’ body beside him and breathing his scent had been enough to keep him calm. But when sunlight crept into the room, it became harder to be content with lying still. Rather suddenly, he pushed himself to sit up, getting out of bed and moving to get something clean to wear. He didn’t look to see if Anders was awake or not - he didn’t particularly care right now.

\---

The sudden movement made his eyes snap open. He hadn’t really slept either, but he’d dozed in and out through the night. He pushed himself up, his eyes coming to rest on him and he watched him dress. He wasn’t sure what to say, so he waited to see what he was planning on doing.

\---

Hawke didn’t seem to be going anywhere - he’d just put on a tunic and trousers, staying barefoot. He saw that Anders had sat up and he met his gaze for a moment in silence. He looked upset, but calm enough for the moment and he didn’t have anything to say to him. He turned and headed out of the room, deciding instead to go to the room that his mother stayed in.

\---

“Garrett,” he called after him, hoping to get him to stop and come back. He didn’t know where he was going, but he didn’t want him to pull away from him. He needed him and he needed to let his emotions out. He knew he would try to keep them inside, but they would fester there.

\---

He didn’t listen to him. He wanted to go to his mother’s room. When he reached it, he found Pickles lying at the foot of her bed. The hound looked heartbroken, but he still managed a single wag of his tail when he saw Hawke. “Out.” He ordered the mabari, his tone low. When he wasn’t immediately obeyed, he raised his voice. “OUT.” That did the trick and Pickles jumped down, slinking out of the room with his head low.

\---

Anders got up, somewhat alarmed when he heard him yell. He hurried to the room and saw the marabi walking out of it. He didn’t hesitate to go in himself, watching the rogue. “Garrett... “ He didn’t know what to say to him. He didn’t want to stop him from doing what he felt like he needed to do, but he wanted to be there for him.

\---

He didn’t look to Anders. He still didn’t have anything to say to him. Instead he went to her bed and used his palm to brush the fur off of the comforter. The dog often slept at her feet, but right now he felt violated that the animal had been on her bed. He looked around solemnly. She didn’t have much, but he knew Bethany would want some of it. He moved to her closet, opening it and looking at what was inside. Everything in there could probably go - he couldn’t picture Bethany wearing her clothes. But he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to actually start getting rid of her things. So for now, he just stood there and stared into the closet.

\---

He didn’t mind being ignored. He just moved to a chair and sat down, watching him while giving him space. His mother hadn’t stayed here long, but it had been her room and he knew that meant it was hard for him to be in here.

\---

Eventually he had to step away from the closet. He wasn’t ready to start taking any of her things out of it. He went instead to her vanity, opening the box where she kept her jewelry. There wasn’t much, but he knew that what she had were family heirlooms or from his father. Bethany would want those. He moved the box over to the the bed, setting it gingerly on the comforter. He went back to the vanity then and when he caught a look of himself in the mirror, he froze. He looked exhausted and ill. He also looked much like his father, even if his beard had only had a matter of weeks to grow back. Without thought, he drew an arm back and put his fist through the mirror. The fracture of the glass wasn’t enough and he gripped the backing of the mirror, starting to tear it off of the rest of the vanity.

\---

The mage jumped up, rushing to him and grabbing hold of him from behind. “Don’t hurt yourself,” he insisted, trying to pull him back from the vanity so that he couldn’t destroy anything further. He knew he couldn’t control himself when he got like this and he’d been hoping to work on it with him, but he knew that wouldn’t be happening any time soon.

\---

“You weren’t there!” He howled and turned on him, shoving him back roughly. His hands were already bloodied and a hunk of glass was stuck into the side of one, but he didn’t care. “You weren’t there!” He shouted again when he turned back on the vanity, putting his fists through it and tearing it to pieces as Leandra’s makeup and perfumes clattered to the floor.

\---

He stumbled back, but as soon as he regained his footing, he moved back to him, grabbing him and dragging him backward. “Stop! She wouldn’t want you to do this!” He was hurting himself in his rage and he knew that she wouldn’t want him to lose it like this.

\---

“Get off of me!” He turned and this time he didn’t shove him but took a swing at him. He had done so with the hand that had glass stuck in it and while it was a bit satisfying to see the way the glass had cut into the mage’s cheek, it also drove the wedge deeper into his hand and he cried out in pain. He shoved Anders into the nearest wall, gripping him by his shoulders and bashing the back of his head into it. “You weren’t there! You weren’t there and you defended mages after what he did to her!”

\---

He was stunned by the punch and he grunted as he was thrown back into the wall, pain radiating all throughout his skull and his vision darkening for a split second. He was stunned, but in spite of the violence, all of his concern was for him. “Stop,” he repeated, hands trying to find purchase on him. “You want someone to blame. Blame him.”

\---

“He’s dead. I should have killed him slow. I should have stopped him sooner. Stopped wasting so much time planning and investigating. Wasting time helping fucking blood mages like him stay free.” He slammed him back into the wall once more. Only then did he release him, heading back to the vanity to finish destroying that before he did any more damage to his boyfriend.

\---

When he was released, he ended up sliding down the wall a bit, before bracing himself against it and finding purchase on the ground. He pushed himself back up and made quick work of healing himself, mending not only the wound on his cheek, but the ache in his skull.

“It’s not like that and you know it.” He didn’t try to approach him again, but seeing him lash out this way had him wringing his hands. “I know you’re hurting and I know you feel like you could’ve done something different, but you did the best you could. She _knew_ that.”

\---

“The best I could wasn’t enough to save her. Or Bethany. Or Carver.” He was relieved when Anders left him to his demolition this time and by the time he’d finished decimating the vanity and some of the wall behind it, he was beginning to weep, some of his rage shifting into sorrow. He needed to get out of this room before he hurt anything, or anyone, more than he already had and he made a quick exit, headed for the bathroom.

\---

He didn’t know if it would be best to leave him alone, but he didn’t want to. He followed after him, wanting to take care of him. “Let me see your hand,” he requested softly, wanting to get the glass out and heal it. He’d clean up the vanity too, when he had time, wanting to fix all of the wrongs he could since he couldn’t fix the one that mattered.

\---

He didn’t answer, but only walked faster. His stomach was roiling after all of that, especially with guilt now seeping into his mix of emotions. Had he really hit Anders? He barely made it to the basin before he started retching harshly. There wasn’t much to vomit, he hadn’t eaten since the previous afternoon, but he brought up what there was left in his system just the same.

\---

He reached him just as he was emptying his stomach and he set a hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly. “I’m sorry,” he murmured to him, trying to give him even a little comfort. Whether or not he did, he wouldn’t give up. The fact that he’d been struck and thrown around didn’t matter to him - Hawke wouldn’t have done all that if his mother hadn’t just been murdered and mutilated.

\---

His shoulders shook and when he had finished vomiting, he stayed hovered over the basin, starting to sob. “I’m sorry.” He whispered right back to him. He shouldn’t have hit him, even if it had felt like what he needed in the moment. He loved Anders and he needed him now, even if he was still angry with him.

\---

“It’s okay,” he assured him, sliding his fingers up and running them through his hair. “You’re going through a lot right now.” He slid his arms around him and hugged him from behind. “I love you so much, I wish I could help you… I just want to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.” He kissed the nape of his neck. “Will you let me take care of you?”

\---

“It doesn’t matter if I get hurt. It’s too late for me to do anything.” Had he really done anything for anyone? Sure, maybe for the mages like the man who killed his mother. But his priority had been his family, the people he’d gotten this house for. But now one was dead and the other was imprisoned and didn’t even want him to get her out. He allowed the hold and turned his hand to examine the glass he’d thoroughly wedged into it. He took hold of the edge of it with the fingertips of the other hand and grit his teeth as he slowly tried to dislodge it.

\---

He saw what he was doing and he tightened his arms around him. “Let me get it,” he insisted, letting go and taking hold of the injured hand. He hadn’t taken off any of his clothing the night before, so he pulled his herbal knife from his belt, using it to carefully pry the glass out. As soon as it was, he set the knife aside and healed the wound, sealing it and ending the flow of blood that began to run down his wrist.

\---

It had hurt, but it would have hurt a lot more if he’d finished doing it on his own. He was still weeping, a sensation so strange to be doing so much of it after so many years without, and he turned his head over his shoulder to look at Anders. “Give me a bath.” He hadn’t taken a proper one the night before and maybe having his lover give him one now would relax him.

\---

“Whatever you want,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. He wasted no time preparing a bath for him, making sure that the water was not only warm, but scented with soothing oils. When he was ready, he went to him and began to undress him, easing his clothing off tenderly.

He guided him over to the tub and helped him step inside, easing him down to sit.

\---

He didn’t do much to assist him, letting Anders prepare everything and take off his clothes. He followed him over to the tub and settled himself, glad that the tub was large and luxurious so he stretch out his legs and lounge. His eyes were swollen and ached from all the weeping and he rubbed at them wearily. “I love you.” He murmured. He did love him and he wanted him to know that, even if he’d needed to hit him earlier.

\---

“I love you too.” He grabbed a cloth and began to gently wash him. He did so slowly, taking his time to thoroughly rub his skin with soap. He wasn’t really cleaning him so much as giving him attention. The cleaning was just a byproduct. “I’ll take care of you and we’ll get through this together.”

\---

It was exactly what he wanted. The slow, tender attention. He closed his eyes, finally able to relax a little under the soothing touch of the cloth. “Don’t stop.” He was being thorough, but he wanted more. He wanted him to scrub him raw as long as it still felt this good to him.

\---

He didn’t mind keeping this up. When he’d washed his entire body, he started back from the beginning and did it again, rubbing his skin in circles. When the water began to cool even a little, he stuck a hand under and warmed it right back up, wanting to make it as comfortable and relaxing as possible.

\---

It soothed him very effectively and by the time Anders was well into his second time scrubbing him, he looked as if he could fall asleep. When the cloth neared his groin, he reached down and guided it to his cock. He wasn’t even remotely in the mood, but the release would be a perfect ending to the comfort of this bath.

\---

Feeling what he wanted, he let the cloth drop from his fingers and he squeezed him. He wrapped his fingers around him and began to rub him slowly, tracing his fingers over all the places he knew him to be sensitive. Places that would only grow to be more sensitive as he thickened in his hand.

\---

It was such a relief that Anders didn’t argue. That this wasn’t the right time for this. That he needed to get out of the tub first. That he wasn’t in the mood to do it for him. “I love you.” He murmured to praise him as he slowly but surely perked in his hand.

\---

He continued the slow pace of this, wanting to keep him relaxed even as he began to stroke him. “I love you so much.” He pressed kisses to his shoulder and then lowered his head to rest against it, wanting to be as close to him as he could while he gave him what he needed.

\---

He rested his head Anders’, not interested in returning any kisses, but also wanting to be close to him right now. The slow pace was appreciated and even after he was hard, it took a while for him to really get into it. It still wasn’t really for any sexual need, but it was so relaxing and as the pleasure started to sink in for him, he started to moan very softly under his breath once in awhile, his hips squirming just a little. It was clear that it wouldn’t take much more and he moved a hand to rest on Anders’ forearm, giving it a little caress to encourage him to finish the job.

\---

Only when he was given that touch did he quicken the pace. He wanted to bring him to and give him what he needed. The water sloshed in the tub as he sped up, but everything else about this remained calm and serene. He kept his head where it was, feeling a peace with him in a way that he hadn’t since he’d barged into his clinic the evening before.

\---

It was just what he needed and his hips began to push forward to help bring along his end. He gasped when it hit him, relieved by the rush of pleasure as he spilled onto Anders’ hand and into the water. It was the last thing he’d needed to really finish easing all of the tension out of his body and he was entirely still as he enjoyed the afterglow of it.

\---

He continued to stroke him through it, slowing down and squeezing him, making sure he milked his cock into the water. When he was finished, he let go of him and slid his hand up his body. He didn’t want to disturb him, so he kept quiet. He wanted to take him back to the bedroom so he could lay down and try to get some more rest while he made him something to eat.

\---

“I want something warm to wear.” He’d grabbed the first functional thing he’d seen to put on, planning to be productive and clear some of his mother’s things from the house. But now he was at ease and he wanted his warmer, softer house clothes to wear while he rested.

\---

“Do you want to dress in here or in the bedroom?” He could grab something for him either way, but he wanted to know if he needed to do it now or if he could wait until he got him to the bedroom.

\---

“Here.” He was comfortable in the water and didn’t want to be chilled for the walk back to his room. Though he didn’t doubt Anders would dry him thoroughly when he got out. “I want to stay warm.” Especially after being sick to his stomach, he appreciated the heat of the water he rested in.

\---

“I’ll be right back, then.” With another kiss to his shoulder, he stood and made his way to the bedroom to pull out something thick to wear. Something with sleeves. A sweater. He returned shortly after, laying the outfit aside and grabbing a towel for him. “Alright, love, time to get out.”

\---

Hawke rose from the tub and waited, expecting him to dry him off. He still looked serene after all the gentle treatment he'd gotten in the tub and he was ready to go lay down for awhile. “I didn't clean my armor or my blades last night…” He hadn't thought of it at the time, but now he wondered if Anders had taken care of it for him.

\---

“I’ll take care of it.” He moved right in to start patting him dry, heating the towel as he did so that it felt warm and fluffy. “I’m going to make you a little something to eat first, then I’ll clean up.” When he had him completely dry, he grabbed the clothes and offered them to him to pull on.

\---

He at least felt up to dressing himself, tugging on the clothes and enjoying the warmth of them. He started for their room then without waiting for Anders. “Something light to eat. I'm not hungry.”

\---

He hung the towel to dry and then left the room, walking with him to the bedroom to make sure he had everything he needed. “I’ll be back soon. Is there anything you want before I go?”

\---

“No.” He was clean and warm. He couldn't think of anything else that might make him feel even a little bit better. He sat down on the edge of his bed, sighing and resting his head in his hands.

Pickles didn't dare let himself into the room, not after the way Hawke and looked and spoken to him earlier, but he was sitting in the hallway and looked in on them anxiously as if he was waiting for something.

\---

“Alright, I’ll be right back.” He left the room and when he saw the marabi in the hall, he gave him a light pat on the head. “He just needs some time.” Leaving it at that, he moved past the dog and made his way to the kitchen. He decided to cut up some fruit for him, knowing he wouldn’t eat much.

\---

Pickles accepted the pat eagerly, then followed the mage toward the kitchen. He waited patiently for him to finish cutting up the fruit, afraid to interrupt what he was doing. He was hurting and being yelled at again would only hurt his feelings more. When it looked like Anders was finished with what he was doing, he took the mage’s robes gently in his teeth and gave them a tug to get his attention. Then he started out of the kitchen, pausing in the doorway and looking back to see if he would follow.

\---

Anders looked down at him, watching as he tried to lead him out. When he realized he wanted him to follow, he held in a sigh. He was busy. He didn’t want to leave his boyfriend alone for too long and he still had to clean up the mess he’d made. He knew that he wouldn’t be bothering him if it wasn’t important, though, so he set aside what he was doing and started after him.

“What is it?” he asked, as he left the kitchen.

\---

The mabari lead the mage to the front door and when he reached it, he pawed at it. It wasn't a request to go out, he had his own way out of the mansion when he needed to do his business. He'd heard the dwarf at the door earlier and he'd left something behind that smelled really good.

Sitting just outside the door was a large covered basket that everyone had contributed to. The most fragrant part of the basket was from Fenris, having picked up some fresh meals from his favorite cook in town. Aveline had put in some blends for tea, particularly lavender and chamomile to help them sleep. Merrill had added in some fresh flowers and some bags of herbs and spices marked for what kinds of soups could be made by adding water to them. Isabela contributed some gold so they could buy whatever they needed, as if Hawke didn't already have it, and a bottle of fine rum she’d been saving for a special occasion. Varric had added to the gold as well, also putting in a puzzle they could work on to take their minds off of things, as well as a book. The book had a note attached to it - _My favorite book about the bond between a mother and son. You might not be ready to read it yet, but when you are, I think it will help_.

\---

Had he not heard the door? He opened it, expecting to see someone there, but instead finding the basket. It only took a moment to realize what it was and from who. He glanced over the contents and then stooped to pick it up. “Thanks, Pickles.” He straightened and shut the door with his hip, carrying it to the kitchen.

The food smelled good, but it could be saved for later. Hawke had already said he didn’t want anything heavy, so he’d stick with the fruit. The rest of it, however, he decided to leave in the basket so that he would be able to see everything that had been gathered for him. He didn’t know who all had contributed, but he had a feeling that it’d been all of them.

He put the prepared food away and then grabbed the bowl of fruit he’d made for him and set it on a tray alongside a cold glass of water. Placing the tray on top of the basket, he was able to carry them to the bedroom together and set them down on the bed beside him.

“Everyone dropped off some stuff for you.” For them, more likely, but he knew that it was really for Hawke. He plucked up the tray and set it in his lap. “Just let me know if you want something else. There was some food in the basket, but I know you wanted something light, so I put it away for now.”

\---

Hawke looked at the basket with mild bemusement. They'd gotten that together in a hurry. He looked up to Anders then and nodded - the fruit was plenty, he didn't want anything else. He looked a little shocked and numb like he had been the night before and again he parted his lips but found he had nothing to say. A ‘thank you’ would probably be nice but he wasn't feeling particularly thankful for much of anything.

\---

He waited to see if he would say anything, but when it seemed he wouldn’t, he left it at that. “Okay, I’m going to go clean up. If you need anything just call for me.” He moved in and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.”

\---

“I love you too.” He murmured. He lowered his eyes to the bowl then and began listlessly eating the fruit. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he'd feel better for eating it and the sweet taste was nice at least.

Pickles had placed himself just outside the doorway, huffing a sigh as he laid his head down on his crossed paws. If he wasn't allowed to lay in Leandra's room, he at least wanted to be near the remaining humans in the home.

\---

With a final look, he took his leave, shutting the door behind him to give him peace and quiet. He started with his armor and his weapons, cleaning them up and drying them off. He didn’t want to disturb him if he was resting, so he set it all down outside their room. He’d take it in next time he went to check on him.

Then he went into Leandra’s room and looked over the mess, trying to decide what to do. It was a pretty big vanity and it would be difficult to move it on his own, but he would try.

He started by picking up her makeup and perfumes, setting them instead on one of the end tables beside the bed. Then he picked up all of the large pieces of broken glass and splintered wood. He took apart what he could, dumping the mirror and the drawers outside first. With that taken care of, he tried to lift the rest of it and found that while tricky, it was possible.

As such, he carefully walked it out and down the stairs, dropping it off in the alley beside the mansion. He’d have someone pick it up for later.

When he returned to the bedroom, the spot where it had been looked bare, but better. He swept up what was left on the floor and by the time he was done, he was feeling rather pleased with himself.

\---

Pickles was still resting by the door, listening for any change in his master. Since it seemed he was still and settled, the mabari closed his eyes and relaxed, though his ears twitched at the slightest sounds. Hawke had set his tray aside when the fruit and water were gone. He had no interest in looking in the basket. He just wanted to sleep for a little while, but he knew that sleep wouldn't come for him. He laid down and pulling the blankets up to his chin, staring off at nothing in particular while he waited for Anders to come back.

\---

With everything back to how it should be… for the most part, he made his way back to their bedroom. He grabbed his armor and weapons and then opened the door quietly, stepping inside. He looked to the bed to see if he was awake, moving in to deposit his things near the wardrobe.

\---

Hawke watched him as he set his things down, glad to see that his gear had been taken care of. “I bet there are others like him. I should be out hunting them. Not lying here moping.” No doubt there were other blood mages doing similar atrocities within the city.

\---

“I don’t think so.” He didn’t think there would be anyone like that in a long time. “There are many evil men in the world, but I don’t think you’re going to find anyone else doing anything like that.” He moved to sit down on the edge of the bed beside him. “He wasn’t just evil, he was mad.”

\---

“He was. But demons have a way of doing that to people. I used to hear my father talking to his sometimes when he thought no one else was around.” Hawke sighed and closed his eyes. “I have to find some way to tell Bethany about this.”

\---

“I’ll go with you.” He didn’t want him to be alone for that. “Whenever you’re ready, we’ll go for a visit and tell her. We can take something for her, if you like, though I wouldn’t give her too much.” Just a necklace that she could keep on her.

\---

“I haven't gone to see her in person because I didn't want to draw attention to her being my sister while I've been helping the mages. But...I need to tell her this myself. I'll bring her anything of hers she wants and hold the rest until she gets out of the Circle. If she ever wants to.” He just had to decide when he was ready to do it. Probably soon.

\---

He nodded in understanding. “Just tell me when.” He reached for his hand, taking it and giving it a supportive squeeze. “I’m not going to open the clinic for a while. Not until you’re ready.” He wanted to be there for him while he was struggling with all of this. “I’m here for whatever you need.”

\---

He held his hand when it was taken, finding as he had with the bath that the physical attention was soothing. “I need you here.” He didn’t want him going anywhere at all. The clinic could wait. It should have waited last night when he needed him. “I need you with me.”

\---

“I’m staying with you,” he assured him, stroking his thumb along his hand. He looked to the basket and saw that it was untouched. “How about we go through everything they brought later?” He pulled it closer with his free hand and then set it down over the side of the bed.

\---

“I don’t need any of it. They didn’t have to do that.” It wasn’t as if anything would help. “Maybe you can use some of it.” It was probably meant for Anders as well anyway. He closed his eyes, enjoying the thumb stroking over his hand.

\---

“They didn’t, but they wanted to. They all care about you, Garrett.” He’d seen for himself how much everyone responded to him. Even that stupid elf. “They’ve stuck around you for this long and I think you’ll have a hard time getting rid of them.”

\---

“That’s good, I need them. I’ll need them all once I’m ready to get back to business. But right now, I only need you.” Perhaps he’d appreciate their gifts a little more once he wasn’t quite so miserable. “I don’t think I’m ready to tell Bethany today. Maybe tomorrow.” He realized he kept jumping around topics, but his mind was disorganized and he spoke them as he thought them.

\---

“We’ll see how you’re feeling tomorrow.” That left the rest of the day for him to recover. “Would you like to rest longer? Or would you like to keep occupied?” Either way, he just wanted to do whatever was best for him.

\---

“I’m tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I just want you to touch me right now. I can rest, then I can busy myself with something.” He moved Anders’ hand to his side and guided it to stroke over the fabric of his sweater. He would like a massage, but he’d settle just for the attention. He knew Anders was probably tired too, but the mage could rest later. Especially if he managed to ease him to sleep with his touch.

\---

He hummed in agreement, beginning to stroke his side slowly. He shifted closer to him and got comfortable, his hand working almost absently as he gave him tender touches. He could do this for the rest of the day and night, if he wanted. He wouldn’t stop until he was told to, so he settled in, showing him all the love he could.


	25. Chapter 25

The next day, Hawke took Anders with him to the Circle to visit Bethany. Normally he’d have made Anders wait some place safer, but today he kept him at his side the entire time. He’d managed to keep himself collected while he broke the news that made his sister fall apart. He could see in her eyes that she was disappointed in him. She kept asking him how it had happened and he knew it was because she just couldn’t believe that he’d allowed it to. That he’d failed and he stood before her unscatched while their mother was left to rot in pieces.

He’d been quiet for the walk home, keeping a painfully tight grip on Anders’ hand. Once he was home, he released his lover to go to the kitchen. He was looking for the bottle of rum that Isabela had given them and when he found it, he took it down and opened it to take a deep drink. It seemed he was interested in his gifts from his friends after all.

\---

Anders had been quiet on the walk back and when he’d pulled away from him, he’d allowed a little distance. He still followed him, but he gave him some space. “Want me to chill it for you?” he offered, thinking he’d like a drink himself.

\---

“...Yes.” He hadn’t been certain he wanted to hand it over to him at all. But it sounded as if Anders meant to let him drink if he wanted to so he handed him the bottle. “She thinks this is my fault. She knows I could have done more.”

\---

“No. She’s in shock.” He chilled the bottle and grabbed a couple of mugs while he was at it. He pour some of the rum into both of them and offered one to him. “Let’s go sit down.” They could talk about this if he wanted, but he thought it would be best if they found somewhere to settle down before they did so.

\---

“Of course she is. But she still blames me.” He took the mug but he also grabbed the chilled bottle to take along with them to the living room. He took his usual seat, his eyes going straight to the seat his mother usually took. He saw her sewing kit that she kept beside it for mending clothes and it made his throat thicken. He’d done a number on her room, but that little corner of the house was just as she’d left it.

\---

He waited until he was sitting beside him to reply, “If she does, then she’s wrong. It’s not your fault - there was nothing you could have done differently. She probably blames herself just as much. There was nothing she could have done differently either.” He took a sip of his drink and then scooted in closer to him.

\---

He look a long drink, wincing at the burn of the liquor. “I should have gone earlier. I shouldn’t have waited for more information, I should have struck once I knew who he was.”

Pickles had done a lot of slinking around lately, wanting to be close to them but not sure what to expect from Hawke. He watched them with his ears down, knowing his master was in a bad mood but noticing that he at least wasn’t raising his voice. Deciding it was safe enough, he moved in closer to lay at their feet and when Hawke leaned down to give his ears a scratch, his tail gave a little wag and he rested his head on his boot.

\---

“You can’t look at it that way. If you’d struck sooner, you might’ve missed something. You might’ve slipped up. You might be sitting here telling me that you should’ve waited. You don’t know what would’ve happened. You _can’t_ blame yourself. You didn’t do that to her. That sick fuck did.”

\---

“She didn’t...she didn’t deserve to die like that. None of those women did. But my mother...she was awake. She knew what he’d done to her and that she was dying.” The other women were hopefully truly dead when he’d gotten there, since it wasn’t their head being used on his sick project. “Maybe I couldn’t have done anything else to save her. But I would give anything to try.”

\---

“She didn’t.” He took a deep drink of his rum and then set his mug aside to slide his arms around his middle. “I’d give anything too.” He’d give anything to change what had happened, but he couldn’t no more than his lover could.

\---

He drained the rest of his mug, then reached for the bottle to get more. He wanted to drown his thoughts, to bring back some of that pleasant numbness from the day before. “I need to move that chair.” He thought out loud as his eyes went back to the vacant chair where Leandra should be.

\---

“We can move it into her bedroom, if you want.” Just to get it out of the way. Or they could get rid of it completely, if that was what he’d prefer. He lowered his head to rest on his shoulder. He’d pour himself some more in a bit, but for now he was content to simply relax with him.

\---

“I’ll take it up to her room. I just don’t want it down here.” He shook his head, then took another long drink. “At least Bethany was never here. The empty chairs and rooms are bad enough as it is.” Of course, even with Leandra here there were plenty of vacant areas. He’d liked all the space before, now he wasn’t so sure.

\---

“...We don’t have to stay here, love.” He hadn’t wanted to not at all that long ago, but he’d been convinced that staying would be alright. “With everything that’s happened, maybe we should talk about leaving. Getting Bethany out and going.”

\---

“So I can lose her someplace else? No. She’s safer in the Circle than I could keep her anywhere else.” He said it sharply, which made Pickles raise his head to try to determine if he needed to make himself scarce. “She’s the only family I have left. I won’t risk her. We stay here. I’ll find something to do with all of this space.”

\---

“She’s not. She’s not safe there.” He knew that he knew this, so he didn’t know why he was trying to argue otherwise. “She’s not necessarily in immediate danger, but that could change any moment.” He shook his head. “What are you going to do if she gets hurt in there? Then there’s really nothing you can do.”

\---

“And what can I do if some psycho mage takes her from our home and hacks her to pieces? Nothing. She’s not safe anywhere. No one is. There she has people watching out for her at all hours of the day and night.” Hawke pulled away from him, moving to stand. He kept his mug in hand and drained it. Pickles was quick to scamper off to hide behind the couch.

\---

“They’re not watching out for her. She’s a prisoner, Hawke. They dress it up and pretend otherwise, but if you strip it all down, that’s all it is. They don’t care about her safety. They care about whether or not she’s a danger and we both know it’s bullshit. She’s not a danger and there’s no reason for her to be there.” He couldn’t help but get a little impassioned, not liking hearing this from him.

\---

“I’m talking about Varric’s people. Your people. Everyone watching out for her. I’m not stupid, Anders. I know the templars don’t care about her.” He snapped, hurling his mug into the wall and pleased to hear it break. “She’s not a danger, but she could be if she became a blood mage. Maybe even the deranged fuck who killed my mother was a good mage until his wife died and some demon convinced him he could bring her back. If the templars had him, he never could have killed all those people. He’d be teaching or enchanting or...whatever. But not slaughtering my mother.”

\---

He tensed when the mug went flying, but remained where he was. “Garrett,” he started, saying his name firmly, “That’s not fair and you know it. You can’t go blaming an entire group of people for the actions of one person. Mages didn’t do this. A man did. A single man.” He shook his head at him. “I’m a mage. I know you don’t want me locked up like that… or do you?”

\---

“No. You can take care of yourself and I can protect you when you can’t. You wouldn’t succumb to a demon.” He snatched up the bottle, making his way to the fireplace to look into it, even though it wasn’t lit at the moment. “I’ll find the others. The blood mages. The templars will make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

\---

He rose to his feet. “The templars? _The templars?_ The same ones who might hurt your sister? They’re the ones you’re going to put your faith into? You think the solution is to just try to weed out all the blood mages? Do you know what templars like to do? They like trying to make mages break. They like to torment them to try to force them to turn to blood magic and give themselves an excuse to kill them.” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “For Maker’s sake, one of your friends is a blood mage!”

\---

“And maybe the Circle is best for her too!” He took a drink from the bottle, then set it up on the mantle. “No one is trying to _break_ Bethany and she’s in the worst Circle there is. You said so yourself. I’m not saying I’m going on a crusade to turn all mages into them, Anders. I’m saying the blood mages are the danger.”

\---

He was getting so worked up, tears of frustration welled in his eyes. He found himself ripping off his jacket and throwing it at him. Not trying to anger him, but trying to get his attention. He yanked his robes down from his shoulders, letting them pool over his belt and exposing his upper half.

“No one is trying to break Bethany _yet_ ,” he snapped back, twisting his back to him and looking at him over his shoulder. “You want to hear about what they did to try and break me?” Hawke had, of course, seen the scars on his back many times. He probably knew them their pattern by heart at this point, but Anders had never really told him how they’d come to be there. All he’d said about them was that they were from a punishment he’d endured for trying to escape.

“They whipped me and then threw me into a cell by myself for a year. A year without human contact. _A year_ , Garrett.” The tears in his eyes thickened. “You know who I had for contact? A cat. A cat and a lot of demons. So many demons offering to help set me free. I was alone for so long I couldn’t tell whether the whispers in my ears were my own thoughts or if it was them, trying to trick me.”

“That’s what they did to me in my Circle and so when I tell you that my Circle isn’t as close to being as bad as this one, maybe you can finally understand where I’m coming from.”

\---

“How much of that did they do to you before you made your first escape attempt? While you were following the rules?” He moved in closer, taking his shoulders and jerking him around to face him. “If Bethany decided it was a good idea to defy them and try to escape, I’m sure they’d do something awful to her too. But she’s _happy_ there, Anders. She’s not going to do anything like that.”

\---

He gawked at him, unable to believe that was what he took from all of that. He pulled back from him, quickly pulling his robes back up over his shoulders. “I… I can’t.” He couldn’t listen to him talk like this. “I’ll be in the library.” He needed space from him. Without another word, he hurried out of the room, going to the only place he felt like he could have some privacy without inconveniencing his boyfriend.

\---

“You said you’d be here for me!” He shouted after him, but didn’t pursue. If Anders wanted to leave him alone, fine. He headed for the front door, decided he’d go out and work out his frustrations the way he used to, alcohol or not. He’d make Anders worry. Make him sorry. Pickles followed him to the door but didn’t pass the threshold since he wasn’t invited along, whimpering softly as his master stormed away.


	26. Chapter 26

Though he'd made the offer, Varric was surprised when the mabari sought him out. He really hadn't expected the couple to want any company for at least a week. But then, Pickles seemed to be anxious, so perhaps something had happened. He dropped what he was doing and followed the beast back to Hawke's mansion, knocking on the door. Pickles pawed at the door along with him and gave one loud bark, wanting to tell Anders that he'd done his job and fetched the dwarf.

\---

When the door opened, Anders wasn’t looking so well. The skin around his eyes was irritated and his lack of jacket emphasized the fact that his robes hadn’t been secured properly. “Hi, Varric,” he greeted him, trying to be enthused, but failing. Some part of him felt like he ought to send him away, despite having summoned him, but he put that impulse aside and took a step back to let him step in.

\---

“Hey, Blondie.” His tone was gentle, recognizing quickly that Anders was looking rough. He stepped inside and put a hand lightly on his arm. “Why don't we go sit down and talk?”

Pickles moved to stand at Anders’ side, anxious to stay by the closest thing to a master he had right now since all of the Hawkes seemed to go missing.

\---

He nodded and pulled away from him, leading him into the living room so they could sit down on the couch. “How are you?” he asked as soon as they settled, as if he’d brought him here to just to catch up and see how he was doing.

\---

Varric followed along and sat near him, looking around subtly. He wondered if Hawke was resting upstairs or if he'd taken off and that was why Anders was in such a state. “I'm alright. Still...shaken. I've seen a lot of things, but never anything like that.” He kept his voice down in case Hawke was in the house, knowing the mutilation of his mother was not a subject to talk about even vaguely if he was nearby. “Mostly worried about you and your man. You look like you haven't slept since it happened. I can help you keep an eye on him if you need to go lay down…”

\---

He nodded, knowing that what they’d seen had been terrible. He hadn’t seen it himself, but it had been described to him plenty at this point and even without that, his boyfriend’s suffering told him all he needed to know. “He’s not here,” he told him, since he was sure he was wondering. “We got into an argument and he left.”

\---

“I see.” So that was why the mage was a mess. He sighed softly. “We both know he can be volatile even at the best of times. After something like this...well, I'm glad he left to deal with his anger instead of taking it out on you.”

\---

He shook his head, waving that off. He didn’t care if he took his anger out on him, if that was what he needed. If he needed to yell and scream at him, he would take it, but he didn’t like the conclusions he was coming to. “He’s blaming mages, Varric.” He didn’t know how to handle it. “He’s latched onto the fact that the man was a mage and suddenly he’s all supportive of the Circle. He’s talking about how it’s the best place for Bethany to be and how they prevent mages from turning to blood magic and he… he even…”

He wasn’t sure if he should say it and his voice failed him. “I’m trying to reason with him, but it’s not working.”

\---

The dwarf took a moment to think that over, a frown on his lips. “...I don't think it will last. He's become the man that fixes all of our problems and this is something huge that he can't fix. He needs to blame someone and the man responsible is already dead. If I know Hawke, he's not just blaming mages, he's blaming himself too.” He touched Anders’ arm lightly, not surprised that Hawke's sudden support of the Circle would be devastating for him. “There is probably no getting through to him right now, not while his grief is so fresh and raw. He's stubborn, but I think he's going to realize that trying to hold all mages accountable for one man's crime isn't the right thing to do.”

\---

“That’s what I’m hoping, but what if he doesn’t? He’s talked about bringing blood mages to justice.” What if acted in that regard and then continued to act and his opinion became all the more extreme? He still didn’t want to bring up what he’d said about Merrill. She was foolish, but he didn’t really think that she belonged in the Circle either.

Blood magic or not, mages didn’t belong in the Circle. Surely Hawke wouldn’t...

\---

“If he doesn't...I don't know, Blondie. We'll have to protect Daisy from him, that's for sure.” He sighed softly. “If he sees that none of us support this, I think he'll have to stop. He can't take down every blood mage on his own.”

\---

“That’s just it… Fenris would support him. Aveline would too.” Hell, even he took issue with blood mages and if they proved to be a danger to those around them, he was willing to put them down. That was the thing though… if he came across a blood mage that wasn’t causing harm, then he chose to live and let live.

He didn’t like this idea of a man hunt.

\---

“I'll talk to them. Neither of them are big on blood mages, but I also don't think they'd really want to go cutting down mages that are minding their own business.” Broody, maybe. But he'd work on him. “We’ll show Hawke that this isn't the way to go. He can't change what happened to his mother and we need to redirect his energy toward something positive again.”

\---

He nodded, knowing that it would take time for him to over these feelings he was having. He needed to be patient with him, even regarding this sudden change in opinion about mages. It was just difficult when he was talking like this. “I’ll try not to argue with him about this... Maybe you’re right and once he’s feeling better, he’ll forget all about it.” He tried for a smile, but failed.

“He just has to come back now.”

\---

“I doubt he’ll forget all about it. But I think once he's had some healing from this, he'll at least be willing to listen.” Varric studied him closely, knowing he was hurting over this. “Maybe you should take a little space from him while he's acting like this. I can tell it's been taxing on you and you're grieving too. The pirate and I could look after him if you want to stay at my place for a few days.”

\---

“No, I can’t abandon him.” Hawke needed him and he knew the reason he’d left was because he’d tried to take some space for himself. “My grief isn’t even close to what he’s feeling.” He really hadn’t had a chance to mourn the loss, but it wasn’t really his loss to mourn. Not like Hawke.

\---

“Taking care of yourself is not abandoning him. You need rest. Why don't you get some now? I'll stay to keep watch in case he comes back.” He didn't know how long Hawke had been gone. But he knew from sharing a hall with him that his storming off usually only lasted for a few hours.

\---

He hesitated, uncertain if he should… but some rest did sound nice. He didn’t know how long he would be gone and maybe if he slept, he’d wake up to find him back. He knew he could take care of himself and he wasn’t worried as far as that went, but he was scared that he would do something rash.

“Alright, I’ll do that.” He rose to his feet. “Take anything you need. The kitchen is yours.” If he was going to stay, he wanted him to be comfortable.

\---

“Will do, Blondie.” He'd grab a snack and a book from the library. That's all he'd need to be content to keep watch for a grumpy rogue.

Pickles rose from the fireplace and moved to Anders, looking up to him anxiously. Everyone kept leaving. He didn't want the mage to go anywhere without him.

\---

“Stay with Varric,” he told the marabi, wanting to be alone if he was going to bed. He knew the dog had been pretty miserable lately - he wasn’t the only one waiting for Hawke’s mood to improve - but he needed space.

He made his way upstairs and to their bedroom, taking off his outer robes and crawling into the bed. He pulled Hawke’s pillow into his arms and curled up into a ball, remaining like that for some time before his body finally relaxed and he went limp.

\-----

When Anders awoke several hours later, he found that he was still alone. That wasn’t a good sign, but he got out of bed with the hope that Hawke had returned and was simply angry at him and didn’t want to speak to him. He stopped by the washroom to put himself together a little better than he had before and when he made his way downstairs, there was a clear improvement from when he’d answered the door.

When he saw Varric sitting there, his heart sank. “He hasn’t come back,” he said aloud, more to himself than anything.

\---

“You look like you feel a little better.” Varric tried for a more positive observation as he marked his place in the book and set it down. “He probably rented that room back in the Hanged Man to give himself some space.”

\---

“Well, it should be easy to find him then.” He went over to where his coat had been thrown earlier and grabbed it, pulling it on. He wanted to make sure he was okay. Not that he ever really worried about his ability to take care himself, but if he decided it was a good idea to pick on some mages…

\---

“Hang on, Blondie.” He stood from the couch and moved after him. “If he's still out he's probably still mad and...it might be better if you were here waiting for him instead.” He didn't want to say it might not be safe for him. ...But it really might not be. “Why don't you let me hunt him down? I'll use the dog, he can track him.”

\---

He paused and after a moment, nodded. “Okay, if he doesn’t want to come home, you can come tell me.” Then he would know what was going on, if nothing else.

\---

“Will do. Leave it to me.” Varric headed toward the door in, wanting to get going before he could change his mind. “Come on, Pickles. I need you to find Hawke.”

The dog had been dozing but that brought him to his feet in an instant. He barked his eager agreement then charged for the door, rushing outside as soon as Varric opened it for him.

It took nearly two hours for them to return, but Varric lead in a very drunk and very beat up Hawke. His burned shirt and arm beneath it suggested that he had indeed picked a fight with a mage - not the best of ideas since he'd gone out unarmed. “Alright, big guy. We're home. Anders waited up for you and he was very, very worried about you.” Varric's tone was patient as if he was speaking to a child as he got the rogue through the door.

\---

Since there was nothing else for him to do, he’d picked up the book that Varric had taken to reading and curled up on the couch just waiting. Either Hawke would come home or Varric would. He never considered that they might come home together and when he heard the door open, he closed the book slowly and pushed himself to his feet.

When he saw the state of him as he was being dragged in, Anders rushed over. “Garrett!” He looked him over frantically, wanting to see all the damage. “What happened to you?!” He took hold of him gingerly and began to help him over to the couch.

\---

Hawke pulled back from Anders, the movement so exaggerated he nearly overbalanced and tipped over. “Oh, you care now?! You’re not too busy defending blood mages to care where I’ve been? You left me. I love you and I need you right now and you _left_ me!” He lamented, his voice trembling as if he might break down into tears as he’d been doing lately.

Varric was used to guiding drunk people around, but he looked very unprepared for all the of emotion involved. “Oookay, that’s enough of that. He didn’t leave you, he’s right here. Maybe we should go lay down.” Preferably somewhere he couldn’t lash out at Anders even verbally until he came back to his senses.

\---

“I didn’t, I just went to the library. You didn’t have to go and get yourself hurt.” He had moved back from him, watching him anxiously. He wanted to help him and make sure that he didn’t fall over on himself, but after the dramatic reaction to his attempt to assist him, he refrained from trying again. “Varric’s right, why don’t we take you to the bedroom so you can lay down?”

\---

“I needed you.” Hawke snarled at him, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. But he followed Varric’s tug toward the stairs. The dwarf took a lot of his weight, finding that it still wasn’t quite enough as the human fell on him partway up the stairs. He sighed and tried to haul Hawke back up onto his feet enough to get the rest of the way up the stairs. The man was a mess.

\---

His own eyes began to well and he had just started to trail after them when he fell. He hurried up to close the distance between them. “Let me help you,” he insisted, touching him carefully.

\---

This time Hawke didn’t pull away and even took hold on Anders’ arm for support. Varric was glad for the help and when Hawke was on his feet again, he got the group of them moving the rest of the way up the stairs. “Let’s go lay you down, yeah? I’ll get you some water and get out of your hair…” He had thought about staying, but he didn’t think Hawke was in any shape to be any real danger to Anders. As soon as he laid down, the man would probably pass out.

But Hawke veered for the bathroom instead and though the dwarf instinctively tried to keep hold of him, he realized why he was going that way when he heard him starting to retch.

\---

Anders quickened the pace, hurrying them to the bathroom so he could puke where it would be easiest to clean it up. He didn’t know if they’d make it in time, but he was determined to get him there.

\---

It was close, but they made it. Varric heard lots of puking living in the Hanged Man for as long as he had so he stood by patiently while Hawke emptied his stomach. He looked to Anders, his eyes sympathetic. “I’ll probably head out once he’s down for the count. But if you want me to stay, I’m happy to crash on the couch.” He wouldn’t leave him alone with Hawke if he didn’t want that. He didn’t mind talking about him as if he wasn’t there, knowing the man was too busy violently heaving to hear what he was saying.

\---

“You can go.” He didn’t need to stay. He had this handled. He stroked Hawke’s back, trying to comfort him through the unpleasant process. “Thanks for finding him for me.” As soon as he was done, Anders fetched some water for him to rinse his mouth out with. “Here you go, swish with this.”

\---

“Alright. You send that dog again if you want anything.” Varric stood by and watched to see how Hawke did now that he was recovering from all the vomiting. When the man took the water and rinsed his mouth with no nastiness toward Anders, he felt better about going. Maybe Hawke would just sleep it off and stop accusing Anders of leaving him. He turned to head home then, deciding that maybe he’d drop by before too long just to check in on them.

\---

Since he had him like this, he took the opportunity to heal him. He needed to be cleaned up and if he wasn’t drunk, he might have transitioned into that. As it were, he needed to sleep this off. “Let’s go. You need to lay down and get some rest.” He tried to tug him up.

\---

Hawke followed his pull, but instead of going anywhere, he wrapped his arms around Anders. “I love you.” He loved him and he needed him so much. He was falling apart and he knew it. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

\---

“I’m not going to leave you.” He sounded scandalized by the suggestion. “Why do you think I would leave you? I love you so much.” He held him, pressing as close as he could to try and make him feel secure both with his words and with his actions.

\---

“You’d leave because I don’t want the blood mages to hurt more people like my Ma.” He buried his face into the feathers on his shoulder and drew a shuddering breath. “I need you.”

\---

“Garrett, you know it’s not like that.” He sighed. “Let’s get you to bed.” He tried to walk him out of the bathroom, keeping a hold on him. He’d take care of the vomit after he was sleeping.            

\---

He let Anders guide him toward the bedroom, his feet dragging a little but able to take most of his own weight. “I need you to stay. If you left me, I’d…” He wasn’t sure what he’d do. But he’d make sure Anders was sorry.

\---

“I would never leave you.” He helped him sit down on the edge of the bed and then urged him to lay back. “Never.” He loved him too much. Their relationship meant too much to him and apart from hiccups here and there, it was perfect. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

\---

“Promise?” He resisted the urge to lay back, but he was too unsteady and he started to tip back anyway. His hand had found the fastenings of Anders’ jacket and he was trying to work it off of him, but his eyes wouldn’t quite focus on what he was doing.

\---

“I promise. Whether we fight or not.” He felt what he was going and he reached to still his hand. “I just needed a little space, that was all. Just a little time to relax. I don’t want you to be afraid that I’m going to leave you. I’m yours.”

\---

“Did you relax?” He asked and he stilled when Anders took his hand. Briefly, as he went right back to trying to undress him after a beat. He did pause to look over his arm, not having noticed that Anders had healed him while he was puking and seeing that the burns were gone.

\---

“No. You had me worried about you.” He’d gotten some sleep, but all of his time awake had been spent wondering where he was. Since he seemed intent to get his jacket off, he let go of his hand and helped to strip himself of it.

\---

He was happy for the help and once the jacket was off, he started clumsily working at his robes. “Do you still want to be away from me?” He knew he wouldn’t. He’d gotten what he wanted already. He’d made sure Anders didn’t enjoy the space he’d wanted and spent the time worrying instead.

\---

“No, not right now.” He continued to help him, stripping himself bare since that was what he wanted. He took a moment to unlace his boots and kick them off and then he was sitting beside him, naked. “What do you want?” Was he wanting pleasure? Or was he wanting skin contact?

\---

He seemed to relax when Anders was bare and only then did he settle to properly lay back on the pillows. “You.” He wanted the heat of his body. He wanted pleasure to help him sleep. He wasn’t even undressed himself, but getting Anders’ clothes off had felt like the priority.

\---

That didn’t really tell him what he needed to know, but that wouldn’t stop him from figuring it out. He reached for his cock and squeezed it through his trousers. “Then have me.” If this wasn’t what he wanted, he was sure he’d stop him, but he knew him well and he didn’t think he’d be stopping him any time soon.

\---

He nodded and parted his thighs. That was what he wanted. He was too drunk to help much, but he could lay here and be taken. He’d be warm and pleasured and he could get some sleep. He knew he was going to feel terrible the next day when he woke up, but he’d take the pleasant sensations now while he could.


	27. Chapter 27

Moving the chair out of the living room and trying to condense his mother’s things to her bedroom didn’t give Hawke the closure he was looking for. It would help if he had her body. He even considered trying to go back and find the pieces of her, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. But lacking any way to do a proper burial, he decided perhaps he would do a memorial instead. They could hold a service and he could buy her a headstone. Even if there wasn’t a grave, it was still a ‘resting place’ for her that he could visit if he felt he needed to.

He’d ordered the headstone to be made and made another visit to the Circle, showing the design he’d chosen to Bethany and letting her know when he planned to hold the vigil so she could light a candle of her own for their mother. Having something like this to focus on had improved his mood somewhat, but he was still erratic, sometimes being clingy with Anders and sometimes being distant and wanting some space.

He’d paid for the work to be done fast so he was pleased that the headstone was finished by the end of the week and once it was placed near the graves of Leandra’s parents, he decided that was where they would have the memorial service. He decided to leave the Chantry out of it - they could pray on their own and he didn’t want to have to explain to any holy man wanting to lead the ceremony that there was no body and why. He simply invited his friends out with their candles at sunset so they could give his mother a send off together.

He had invited them all, but once they’d assembled, Hawke kept eying Merrill. He knew she meant well, even if she didn’t really know his mother. But it was a blood mage like her who had done this. Varric was observant of this and while the others murmured amongst each other, waiting for it to be dark enough to light their candles, he moved in close to Anders to speak quietly to him while Hawke was preoccupied talking to Isabela. “How’s he doing, Blondie?”

\---

Anders was fiddling with his candle, feeling strangely uncomfortable with all of this. He wanted to be here as to be supportive of his lover, but he really hadn’t had a chance to mourn the woman they were really here for. He’d grown fond of her in the preceding months and he missed her presence, but he could barely spare a thought for her. He was so busy trying to be whatever he needed to be to help Hawke that even when he had a free moment to think, he spent it worrying about him.

Being faced with it now, there was something final about it. He didn’t like it.

He looked down at the dwarf when he approached, his eyes flicking up to his lover to watch him briefly. “As well as can be expected,” he murmured back to him. “Sometimes he’s alright, sometimes he’s not.”

\---

“Yeah, I figured as much. He’s not…” He glanced to Hawke, then dropped his voice a bit lower. “He’s not still going on about blood mages, is he?” He knew it was still early in the man's grieving and he might not have moved past that yet. But he wanted to know do he'd be prepared if Hawke went off.

\---

“No, he’s not.” Anders had avoided bringing up the topic and it hadn’t come up. “I think he’s just focused on grieving.” Rather than pointing fingers, though he was sure he still did blame mages for what had happened.

\---

“That's good.” He looked up and saw that the sun was nearly set and his eyes went back to Hawke. They didn't have any official speaker for this, but speaking was what he did best and he wouldn't mind running the show if Hawke couldn't.

When it was time to light their candles, Hawke looked around at the glow of all of them, but said nothing. The silence lingered and when he looked to the dwarf for rescue, Varric stepped forward and began. He spoke of Leandra's selflessness and her love for her husband and her children. The way she tried to mother them all in her own way, even the ‘strange elf’ ones. And after some reminiscing, he told them all to lower their heads and pray for her. It was short and sweet, but he felt it was probably all Hawke was really prepared for. When he offered for the others to say a few words for Leandra, he was surprised that her son spoke up so quickly.

“This shouldn't have happened. I knew there were people capable of magic like this and I was _helping_ them stay free.” He murmured, staring down at the headstone that marked an empty grave.

\---

His heart sank. So much for that. He moved closer to him, holding the candle to one side and setting a hand on his back. “Don’t,” he murmured, keeping his voice down so only he would hear. “Not here.”

\---

“Where else? We're standing here right now because a demon convinced a grieving man he could stitch his wife back together. A demon like yours.” His eyes went to Merrill and the elf gaped at him.

“That's not fair. You know how many murders happen in this town with no demons involved. It's a horrible thing that happened, really. But I'd never do anything like that and you know it.” Merrill's hands were beginning to shake, making the flame of her candle dance. “We're here because we all liked your mother. And we like you too.”

“Why don't we talk about this next week, okay? Daisy's right, tonight is for your Ma. She wouldn't want any squabbling here.” Varric said amiably, moving to Hawke's other side and giving his back a reassuring pat.

\---

For once, he agreed with Merrill. He didn’t trust her, but knew that being a mage or even a blood mage wasn’t all that relevant. It allowed him to do what he did and yeah, the demon probably encouraged him, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have snapped and done something like that on his own. Magic or no magic.

“That’s a good idea. We’ll find a time where we can all sit down and talk about this.” Maybe it would be easier to reason with him if they talked it out as a group.

\---

“We're all here, we can talk about it now. What my mother would want is to know that this won't happen to anyone else. That I'm doing something about this.” Hawke looked to Fenris, expecting support there. But the elf lowered his eyes and shifted his weight uncomfortably. “A mother's funeral is not the place for this.” The warrior mumbled.

“It won't happen to anyone else and you did do something. The man responsible is dead.” Isabela snapped, moving in front of Merrill protectively. “What is Bethany going to think when she hears you started something like this at Leandra's vigil?”

Hawke looked around, his chest heaving the more worked up he got. No one was going to take his side in this. At least not right now.

\---

He agreed with everyone, but he couldn’t help but feel anxious when they spoke against him so directly. He slid the arm on his back around him, trying to comfort him. “We’ll talk about this as much as you want later.” He continued to keep his voice quiet, not wanting anyone to hear what he was saying and almost encouraging the rogue to do the same and keep his voice down.

\---

Hawke lowered his eyes and said nothing. This wasn't really the place for this, he realized when a pang of guilt cut into his anger. He leaned into Anders as Varric tried to get things rolling again, saying a few more kind words for Leandra and encouraging the others to do the same.

\---

Anders spoke up himself, talking about how he’d been taken away from his mother at a young age and how he’d always mourned the loss of that connection. She’d helped to remind him of what it was like to have a mother and he was grateful to her for giving him that, even for as short a time as she had.

It still felt too final, but after getting it off his chest, he used the arm around his boyfriend to tug him away from everyone else.

“Do you want to go?”

\---

“Yeah. I don't need to say anything. She knows.” He looked like he was holding it together, but Anders would probably see that it was only on the surface. He was hurting and he was ready to go home. He still wanting to talk to everyone next week about the blood mages and he wanted to talk to Anders when he got home. But for now, he just wanted to leave.

\---

“We’ll go.” He looked at everyone else and then announced that they were wrapping up and that they were going to go. “We’ll find a time next week to get together.” Leaving it at that, he put out his candle and then coaxed him to do the same, guiding him away.

\---

Hawke blew out his candle as well, but pulled away from Anders. He chose to leave his candle at the headstones, then moved back to his side. “We need to. We have to talk about this.”

\---

“We will. I’ll talk to Varric about getting everyone together and we’ll all sit down and talk about how you want to move forward.” Hopefully by then he’ll have cooled down from this and would be more reasonable. He tried to move quickly without obviously rushing to get them home.

\---

“You’ll talk to me when we get home too?” He wanted to get some of this off his chest, even if he knew Anders wasn’t going to agree with him. But he thought maybe he could get him to come around about Merrill at least. But first he needed to unwind a little, needing to shake off this latest hit of grief now that they’d held a service for his mother.

\---

He felt wary, but knew better this wasn’t the time to show it. “We can talk.” He kept quiet for the remainder of the walk and when they got home, he was somewhat relieved that it was over. Not over for him, but they were away from everyone else. “Do you want anything?” he offered, having gotten in the habit of serving him lately.

\---

“Yes. Some of that tea, maybe with a little honey in it.” He’d found that the teas Aveline had sent really did help to relax him when he was trying to settle down for bed. He went to the couch, deciding he’d sit by the fireplace while Anders fetched him something to drink. He rubbed at his eyes - he wouldn’t cry, he’d had enough of that lately. But his heart was still aching from laying his mother to rest the only way he could and it felt like the thing to do.

\---

He left to get him the tea, making some for himself while he was at it. When he returned just a couple of minutes later, he brought a cookie along as well, offering him both the cup and the treat on a saucer. “Here you go, love.” He was only carrying a cup for himself, and he sat down beside him to nurse it.

\---

His appetite had improved a little over time, but it was still lacking most of them. But the cookie caught his eye at least and after a sip of tea, he took a bite from it. It was as soothing as the tea and he found himself leaning into Anders a little, seeking some comfort from him as well as they had their tea by the fire.

\---

He’d said he wanted to talk, but if he wasn’t going to instigate, then neither was he. Anders didn’t want to talk about the things that Hawke wanted to talk about, so he was going to leave it alone if he forgot. It did need to be addressed, but he still thought it would be better if he had some time to cool down.

\---

It wasn’t until he’d finished both his drink and his treat that he felt he’d really calmed down. He set the cup and saucer aside, then leaned back into Anders again. “We need to talk to the others about Merrill. I thought she was harmless but...there’s no telling what that demon could have her do.”

\---

He considered what he had to say only briefly, before speaking. “If you’re uncomfortable with having Merrill around, then tell her she’s not welcome to come with us on missions.” It was a pretty simple fix. He wouldn’t miss her if she was gone and then the rogue wouldn’t have to worry about her.

\---

“I’m not worried about her with the group. She wouldn’t dare do anything, we’d cut her down too quickly. I’m worried about what she does when we’re not watching her. She could be a danger to the others in the Alienage. Or anywhere in Kirkwall.” At least in a group, they could keep an eye on her.

\---

It was hard to argue with him. Not because he actually saw her as a danger, but she’d all but been kicked out of her clan. They hadn’t wanted her and had pushed her on them because they didn’t trust her… at least that’s what he’d gotten out of it when she’d become an unexpected addition to the group.

He didn’t actually know what any of that had been about, but it likely had to do with her blood magic.

“She’s naive, but I don’t think she’s going to do anything you think she is.”

\---

“I didn’t think so either. But we could be endangering the city by allowing a known blood mage to live here. I think she needs to be kept under observation.” He shook his head, looking to the fire. “There’s no telling what that demon keeps whispering in her ear.”

\---

He didn’t agree, but he knew better than to say so. “Kept under observation. What do you mean by that? She lives alone. What do you propose?” That someone live with her? He didn’t know anyone that would be willing. Between the sewers and the Alienage… he’d take the sewers.

\---

“The Circle is the obvious choice. They would make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone.” He was expecting refusal from Anders so he went on quickly. “If Bethany can find her place there, maybe Merrill will too.”

\---

The Circle. It should have been obvious to him what he meant, but somehow it hadn't been. He shook his head. “No, Hawke. No, I’m not going to help you put mages in the Circle.” Flat out refusal wouldn’t help, so he tried to give him an alternative, “If you feel she needs to be watched, then we’ll watch her.”

\---

“Why would you want to do that? You don’t even _like_ her.” He wasn’t really willing to keep watch over her, was he? “You wouldn’t be putting a mage like you into the Circle. We’re talking about a blood mage.”

\---

“I don’t, but no mage deserves the Circle.” There were no exceptions. “Besides, they’ll just as likely kill her as soon as they get her as to keep her. The Circle does not allow blood magic. If they found out about her, they would get rid of her.” Surely he wasn’t willing to condemn her to death when she hadn’t done anything?

\---

“Then she’d just have to keep from using it. She might not even want to if she’s as content in the Circle as my sister.” Hawke didn’t have qualms about sending other blood mages to their death. But Merrill...he just wanted her supervised. “They could keep her safe from the demon and keep everyone else safe from her.”

\---

“No, I won’t help you do that.” He shook his head, setting his tea aside. He didn’t want it anymore. “If Merrill is going to do something bad, she’s going do something bad regardless of where she is. It doesn’t matter if she’s in the Gallows or if she’s in the Alienage. Nothing is going to stop her. There is no point in trying to ‘stop’ her. If she does something bad, she should be punished like anyone else.”

\---

“And it’ll be too late for someone else’s mother. “ He knew they wouldn’t agree on this, but he’d hoped he could convince Anders. He didn’t expect him to be defensive of the elf, even after admitting that he didn’t like her. “We can talk to the others. If no one is willing to take her in so we can keep watch over her, I’ll have to turn her in.”

\---

“So what, the mages that live in the Gallows… Their lives don’t matter? They’re just expendable?” He could feel himself growing defensive, the way he had a tendency to do around the elven warrior. He didn’t like that he had to feel this way around the man he loved. “It’s okay if they get killed, as long as no one outside it gets killed?”

\---

“I said nothing like that and don’t you dare accuse me of it.” He snapped, not at all liking that tone from him. “If she reveals what she is, they’ll kill her. You said so yourself. She won’t be a danger to the other mages.”

\---

“It’s no different than if she were anywhere else. If she’s going to hurt someone, she’s going to hurt someone. Either way, she would be punished. The difference is you think it’s okay if she has a breakdown on the inside instead of the outside.” He knew he needed to stop arguing with him, but it was so difficult to keep his mouth shut when they talked about this. “If you’re so certain that she would kill someone that she needs to be locked up, then you’re just ensuring that the person she kills will be a mage or a templar.”

\---

Hawke stood from the couch and when he turned to face him, he backhanded him sharply across his cheek. “My _sister_ is there. My only _living_ relative, Anders. So don’t talk like I would be just fine with her killing mages in that tower.”

\---

The smack was unexpected and he tensed, hand lifting to clutch at his cheek. He leaned back from him, his head falling and his eyes fixing somewhere off to the side on the floor. He was stunned by the violence in a way that he hadn’t been the last time he’d been struck, simply because he’d understood it then.

He remained quiet, saying nothing in response.

\---

“Don’t put words in my mouth like that again.” He warned him, poised as if he meant to hit him again. But the silence was the answer he needed and he stormed off for the stairs instead.

\---

Anders remained as he was for a long time, just taking everything in. The sting of his cheek was gone by then, but he lifted a hand to heal it all the same. He doubted it would bruise, but he didn’t want to take the risk. He rose to his feet and made his way to the library, knowing that going upstairs would be a bad idea. Even if it wouldn’t be, he didn’t really want to.

\---

From upstairs, distant crashes could be heard as Hawke destroyed more of the furniture up there. He shouldn’t have hit his lover, he he knew that. But it had put an abrupt end to their argument. And taking the rest of his anger out at a distance meant that he wouldn’t risk hurting him again.

Pickles hadn’t witnessed the hit, but he knew something bad had happened. He could hear his master breaking things upstairs and his ears were low as he followed Anders to the library. Normally he barked or licked his hands when he saw him, but now, he was silent and solemn, simply leaning lightly against the mage’s leg.

\---

Anders had sat down at the desk that was currently covered in a variety of parchment. He didn’t intent on doing anything here, he just needed, well, space. He could hear the sound of furniture breaking upstairs and dropped his face into his hands. He would have to heal whatever damage he did to himself and clean up the mess.

He jumped when he felt the pressure on his leg, not having heard the mabari come in and he looked down at him. He couldn’t bring himself to speak even still, so after a long moment, he just returned to hiding in his hands.

\---

It took some time for the demolition upstairs to stop. When it did, the mabari raised his head a little. He was anxious - he didn’t know if Hawke would be leaving. If he’d take off and not come back like he had recently. But it sounded like he’d just moved to another room upstairs and went quiet. Pickles gave a little whimper and set his head down on Anders’ thigh. The mage was his only constant that still made sense, that wasn’t acting so strangely.

\---

He was so tense for as long as he could hear what was happening and even when it stopped, it took some time for his body to ease. He still had no intention of going upstairs. He would stay down here until he knew that he was wanted - he didn’t want to risk setting him off again.

\---

An hour later, Hawke came to the top of the stairs. He’d bathed and was dressed for bed, his hands and forearms bandaged since he’d patched himself up after his destruction. “Anders?” He called, his voice tentative.

Pickles heard that it was the mage his master called for and he gave a little whimper again but moved so Anders would be able to get up if he wanted to.

\---

He heard his name, but for a few seconds he remained as he was. Part of him didn’t want to go. He sat back and his eyes went back to the mabari. “Stay here, Pickles,” he murmured to him, knowing that all of the anger was making him anxious. It would be better if he stayed away from them when things were like this. He rose to his feet and made his way out of the library, looking up the stairs to where he was standing.

He met his gaze, acknowledging him that way.

\---

“I’m sorry. I...shouldn’t have been trying to talk about things like that on the night of my mother’s funeral. I’m hurting too much right now and I don’t want to hurt you.” He really didn’t want to hurt him. He wouldn’t have if Anders wouldn’t have talked to him like that. “Will you come up here? Please?”

\---

He didn’t doubt him, but he had hurt him. In a way that went beyond the strike to his cheek. He slowly made his way up the stairs, until he was level with him, though he kept a little distance still. “I know you’re going through a lot. I know, but I wish you wouldn’t resort to violence to get your emotions out.” He didn’t just mean what he’d done to him. He didn’t like that he’d taken his anger out on the furniture either.

\---

“It’s the only thing I know. Next time I can leave if I get that worked up.” He never minded going out and getting himself into trouble when he was pissed. But he knew Anders didn’t like it at all. The offer might make him appreciate that he’d at least stayed home this time.

\---

“I don’t want you to leave. I want you to talk to me, or take deep breaths, or go sit by yourself for a while, or whatever it is you need to do to calm down. You’re so angry, Garrett, and I know you have every right to be, but you _have_ to learn to deal with it in a way that isn’t so destructive and dangerous.”

\---

“I’ll try, I will. It’s just a really hard time to start changing that about myself. Tonight I couldn’t even bury my mother properly. There wasn’t enough left of her for me to bring home.” He moved a hand up to cover his face. It hadn’t been what had set him off tonight, but it was true and he was hurting over it. Right now, he just wanted to say whatever it took to bring Anders to bed.

\---

His expression softened and he tentatively moved to him. “I know, love. I’m sorry.” He set a hand on his arm, looking him over. “You hurt yourself again,” he said softly, stating the obvious. “We’ll work on that… I think you’ll feel better if you can control your anger, but right now, I just want you to focus on healing.”

\---

He drew his arms around him when he was close. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to be held and massaged in return. “I miss her.” Things had been going so well between him and Anders before she’d died. Now nothing felt quite right anymore.

\---

He hugged him, giving him a squeeze and keeping him close even after. “I know.” He would miss her for the rest of his life, like he did his own mother. His own mother wasn’t even dead, as far as he was aware, but she would never be in his life again. “It won’t hurt so bad one day.”

\---

“I hope it won’t. Right now it’s…” Right now her death was so often at the forefront of his thoughts. She’d been such a consistent presence in his life from the very beginning. He buried his face in Anders’ shoulder, his breath beginning to hitch though he was relieved that his eyes were still fairly dry. He’d done enough weeping, he was ready to be done with all of that. “Can we go lay down?”

\---

“Yeah, let’s go lay down.” He didn’t know what room he’d destroyed, but hopefully not their bedroom. He pulled back, but kept an arm around him so they could walk together. He’d take care of his hands tonight and tomorrow, he’d clean up whatever mess there was to find.

\---

He’d left their bedroom alone, choosing a guest room instead. When they got inside and over to the bed, Hawke finally released him enough to look over the cheek that he’d struck. It was unmarked, but he frowned and ran a thumb over it anyway. “I didn’t really hurt you, did I?”

\---

“No, I’m okay.” It hadn’t been that bad and even if it had, when he could heal himself… nothing was really bad. Still, he was glad that he hadn’t hurt him any more than he had. The touch made him a little uncomfortable, since he had struck him there, but the gentleness of it was appreciated.

\---

He leaned in and kissed the spot he’d struck, a silent apology for what he'd done. At least when they met with the others, there would be no mark he’d have to answer to. “I love you. I know I'm a monster when I get angry, but you know how much I love you, right?”

\---

“You’re not a monster… it’s just something that we’ll have to work on.” He knew that he wanted to lay down, but he moved in to embrace him again. “I know. I love you too.” He knew their feelings were the same and he believed that he would really try to work on his anger.

\---

“I feel like one.” He really didn't have control and as angry as he was, sometimes it felt good to let himself snap like he did earlier. He embraced him tightly, burying his face in his neck. “I need you so much.”

\---

“I’m here, love.” He began to slowly walk him over to the bed. He eased out of his hold to begin stripping them both of their clothes and as soon as they were bare, he took his hand and tugged him onto the bed while crawling back onto it himself. He wanted to get comfortable with him and as soon as they were laying, he pressed in close.

\---

Hawke pressed in as well, tangling their legs together. He wanted to enjoy his body heat and hadn't decided yet whether or not pleasure would help him relax at the moment. He didn't doubt that Anders would give him whatever he wanted. “Do you ever think of leaving, just until I stop hurting so badly over this? I wouldn't blame you if you did, the way I've been lately.” He would blame him, a lot. But it wouldn't really surprise him.

\---

“No, of course not.” He was needed and there wasn’t anywhere else he’d rather be, even after everything that had happened. Especially after everything that had happened. It would be cruel to leave him just because things weren’t as perfect as they’d been before.

\---

“I'm glad. I don't think I could do this without you. Everything I wanted to do for Kirkwall feels...less important with all of my family gone.” He knew he'd accomplished a lot and he had much left to do. But he was lacking his previous motivation. Except, of course, about blood mages.

\---

“I still think it would be best if we left… but I know you don’t want to.” He wasn’t going to argue for it, he was just telling him what his opinion on it was. “So if you want to stay here, then I’ll stay here with you.” He stroked his hand along his back, wanting to comfort him.

\---

“We’ll see. I don't want to think about it until I'm thinking more clearly. But either way, we'll stay together.” He hoped the things he meant for this place would feel important again. But if it didn't, he'd at least consider it.

\---

He nodded, warming his palm to give him the little something extra. “I love you, Hawke, and I want to be with you. That’s the one thing you never have to doubt.”

\---

He made a soft sound, always appreciating the way his magic felt. “I'm glad. I'm doubting so much right now, but I'm glad I don't have to doubt you.” He kissed his brow, not even realizing that it was the first kiss he'd given in awhile. Lately he’d been expecting and receiving touches and kisses, but rarely giving them.

\---

He lips quirked a little, the kiss warming him as much as his hand was warming the other. He stayed closed, content to be with him like this for the rest of the night. He meant it when he said that all he wanted was to just be with him.


	28. Chapter 28

Things had improved in the passing weeks. For the most part. Though Hawke wasn’t over his anger - he’d been struck a couple of times since his assurance that he would try to control himself, repeated each time it happened alongside an apology - he’d started to get back to normal. He was out on missions again and Anders was able to reopen the clinic.

He still spent most of his time with his boyfriend, but on some days, like today, he wasn’t needed. It wasn’t even that he necessarily wasn’t needed, but he wasn’t invited. Even if he had been, he wouldn’t have gone. For the first time since his mother had died, Hawke had decided that it was finally time to hunt some bloodmages. After the meeting they’d all had, in which Isabela promised to watch over Merrill just to change the topic, it quickly been established who supported his attitude and who didn’t.

As such, Fenris, Aveline, and Hawke were off together and everyone else was hanging back. He knew that Hawke was assuming that he was going to open his clinic, but he didn’t particularly feel like it. There was a lot on his mind and it’d been a while since he’d been in the company of a friend or even anyone that wasn’t a patient.

The last time had been when Varric had answered his summon and he didn’t really count that, so his thoughts went to him after he was left alone. It took an hour or so to convince him to go, but eventually he made the trek to the Hanged Man. He wasn’t even sure if he’d be there, but he was hopeful as he stepped in and made his way up to his room to knock on the door.

\---

Varric answered rather quickly - he hadn’t been expecting anyone, but a diversion was welcome. He’d been writing at his table and had gotten himself stuck trying to finish a scene. He’d been staring at the parchment for the better part of the last half hour, waiting for the answer to come to him, so the knock on the door had him grateful to get up and move away from his work for a little while. Taking a break might be just what he needed for the answer to come to him.

When he pulled the door open, a grin spread over his face. It was rare to see Anders without Hawke and he didn’t look ashen as if he was here because something terrible had happened. “Blondie! Good to see you, come on in.” Before the mage could even take the invitation, Lucy had moved to the door to greet him, rubbing her side against his leg.

\---

Anders smiled at the enthusiastic greeting, but it spread to an all out grin with the cat came to him. “Lucy, you’re getting so big.” He reached down and plucked her up, cradling her in an arm as he moved into the room. He’d seen her when they’d all gathered a couple weeks ago, but before then it’d been a while and he was still pleased with how well she was getting on.  

He saw everything he had laid out on the table and paused. “I’m not interrupting, am I?” If he was busy working, he could leave him be.

\---

“No, you’re not. I’ve got a bit of writer’s block, actually. A little conversation will probably help me out of it.” Varric put the ink and parchment aside so it wasn’t taking up so much of the table, then went over to his shelf. “What can I get you, Blondie?” Surely he meant to stay at least for a little while, so they may as well have a drink together. For a man who didn’t like animals, he did wear a rather doting smile when he saw the way Lucy lounged back in the mage’s arm, purring up a storm.

\---

“Whatever you feel like.” He didn’t really care, but he could use the drink today. He sat down and then turned his attention to the cat, stroking his hand along her chest and scratching her cheeks. It was soothing to touch her and he wondered if perhaps he ought to get a cat of his own. He had a proper place to keep one and there would be no one to take it away from him.

\---

“She’s a lot bigger than the last time you saw her, isn’t she?” The mage had observed how big she was, but Varric hardly noticed since he saw her every day. “She thinks four legs are overrated, she can keep up with any other cat on three.” She had her scars left from the endeavor and she still didn’t like the stump of her shoulder touched very much, but she thrived despite her rough beginning. Even with the scars on her face, with her cream coloring and gray pattern of stripes and circles, she was growing to be a very pretty cat. Varric got mead and filled tankards for both of them before taking his seat.

\---

“She’s doing well, are you pretty girl?” He looked up when the drink was set in front of him and with a ‘thanks’, he used his free hand to take a drink. He nodded in acceptance of what he’d brought him, then set Lucy down on the table in front of him, still absently petting her.

“So what are you working on?”

\---

“A story inspired by the woman I named Lucy after. She didn’t let missing a leg slow her down either.” He watched his cat flop on the table, clearly enjoying all the attention from their guest. “Lucy was always kind of dry, though. My Lucy is more playful, so my protagonist has some inspiration from the hairball you’re petting too.”

\---

He chuckled and then cooed. “A lovely protagonist, to be sure.” He slid his fingers down the cat’s spine and then gave her rear a little scratch. “Maybe you should go full on fantasy and just make her a cat woman.” A proper mixture of the two.

\---

“There is an audience for that.” He mused with a little chuckle of his own. “A pirate cat lady. It would at least be unique. What do you think, Lucy?” The cat was paying him no mind, enjoying all of the attention, but her purring filled the silence after the question. “She approves.”

\---

“As do I.” When he thought about it, he was surprised by how easily he’d relaxed here. Between the cat, the alcohol, and the friendly face, a knot that he hadn’t even been aware had been in his belly eased. He took another drink and then turned his attention on the dwarf. “How have you been?”

\---

“Things have been good, I think we’re all relieved to see your man back in action. Not...necessarily what he’s doing tonight, but back to missions in general. I’ve been worried about you both. I miss having you right down the hall so you can just walk over here and have a drink with me when things are a little rough.” With Hawke’s attitude lately, he hoped Anders didn’t feel isolated in that house with him, but it was a relief that he’d come here tonight at least.

\---

He couldn’t keep his gaze when he mentioned what was going on tonight and as he went on, he frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.” He didn’t want to admit to having used his room as an escape a few times while they were living here. He didn’t want to admit that there were problems in their relationship.

“Things are fine.”

\---

“I don’t mean with him, I mean in general.” He knew that the primary thing he needed an escape from was Hawke, but he wasn’t going to call him out on it. He could talk to him about it if he wanted to. “It’s always good to have a friend nearby. I know you’ve had to give a lot of support to him lately - he’s needed it after what happened. But I’m glad you can come here and unwind a little, even if everything is fine.”

\---

He nodded, something quiet and somber to him. He took another drink and then turned his attention back to the cat. It made him feel a little better, but not as much as before.

\---

He sipped at the mead, studying Anders. He knew things with Hawke must be rough right now, but it was hard to say how bad it was. For now, it was probably better to get off of the topic. “If Lucy is going to be a pirate cat now, I’ll have to rethink the whole crew. Her first mate and best friend was going to be a little like the pirate next door. Maybe I’ll have her be some sort of bird woman. The way Rivaini fixates on gold, she’s a bit like a magpie, isn’t she?” Like he was one to talk himself.

\---

“To be fair, who doesn’t fixate on gold?” He far preferred this topic and he was happy to continue. “A magpie’s good, though.” If he was going to make all of the people animals. “So instead of races, there are species?”

\---

“Yep. Probably just a handful. But a pirate’s crew should be diverse, so I’ll come up with a good mix of them there.” He was glad to have Anders engaged in conversation again and he picked up his quill, toying with the feather on it. This of course caught Lucy’s eyes, watching it closely while she was pampered by Anders. “It’ll be fun. That’s the point of writing, after all.” The money was also the point, really. But books he had fun writing always sold better.

\---

“Well then, I look forward to reading it when it’s done.” He didn’t really think he was going to turn all of the characters into animals, but if he did, it would be something to have had such an effect on one of his stories. “I fully expect a dedication, it being my idea and all.”

\---

“I wouldn’t leave you out of the dedication, Blondie. Credit where credit is due.” He tipped the feather toward his cat, watching her paw at it absently. “You’d look forward to reading it either way. How could you resist a story about little Lucy?”

\---

He smiled at that, watching them play. He could tell she’d bonded well to him and seeing them interact made him feel warm. “You know me too well.” He played with her tail, wanting to help rile her so she’d go even harder for the feather. “Just no smut, if you would. She’s too innocent for such things.”

\---

“There’s always gotta be a little smut. But I’ll save it for the magpie. We’ll leave little Lucy innocent, won’t we?” He chuckled as the kitten struggled with having both the feather and her tail taunting her, clumsily swinging her one front paw to try to attack them both.

\---

“She has better things to be doing. Stealing all kinds of treasures and making a name for herself on the sea.” He drew his hand back so she could focus on her master. He had relaxed again, a lingering smile remaining on his lips.

\---

“All the cat men want her but not one can catch her eye.” He smirked and after a little more play, he let her catch the feather. He watched her draw the feather in to her chest with her paw and gnaw at it, kicking at the end of it with her back feet. “Vicious.” He chuckled, then looked up to Anders. “Her siblings are doing well. Her fluffy brother ‘Ser Poof’ is ruling the roost. And her other brothers and sisters are having fun out on the farm, lounging in the sun all day and chasing mice all night.”

\---

“Ser Poof. I approve.” He leaned his cheek onto his palm, watching as she enjoyed her victory. “Maybe I should have offered to take one. I miss having a cat around.” It would be nice to have a friend at home. He knew that the mabari he lived with liked to be around him, especially when Hawke was in one of his moods, but it just didn’t have the comforting effect that this did.

\---

“Teach Pickles to meow and it’ll be like you’ve got one.” He took a drink, then lounged back in his chair. “I’m kidding, Blondie. I know it’s not the same. If I run into any more homeless little kittens, I’ll hold one for you. Until then, you can come see Lucy any time you want.”

\---

He quirked a brow, but said nothing as he took back his suggestion. “Maybe I’ll just take Lucy home with me. I think she likes me better than she likes you, anyway.” Not true at all, but he was bantering. “Would you like that, Lucy? To go home with Uncle Anders?”

\---

“You wouldn’t do that to me, would you, Lucy? Leave me for him?” He asked the cat in question. She could see they both were talking to her, but after a beat, she quickly lost interest and went back to chewing on her ‘kill’. “I guess we’re both chopped liver. Really though, if I ever have business that keeps me out overnight, you could keep her for me. I can tell she’s really unhappy when I have to leave her and she likes you.”

\---

“Sure, if I’m not busy myself.” Sometimes he was, but if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t mind the company. “She’ll be treated like a queen.” He gave her another stroke of his fingers, then returned to his drink. When he finished it, pushed the mug towards him. “Mind getting me drunker?” Not that he intended to get drunk, but he could use some more in his system.

\---

“Always happy to get you drunker, Blondie.” He grabbed the bottle and refilled both of their tankards. “I’ll get a little drunker with you.” The probably had plenty of time for drinks before Hawke would be returning home and looking for the mage.

\---

“Thanks.” He took a deep drink from it immediately and then sighed. “Does anyone actually like Fenris?” He subject seemed to come out of nowhere, but there was obviously something on his mind. “I can’t stand him, obviously, but he’s just so unpleasant to be around.” He didn’t understand why he was still with them, even though he knew his boyfriend thought he was useful.

“If he was gone, they wouldn’t be out there.” Without his support, Hawke wouldn’t have anyone to stroke his fire. Aveline was with them, but if anyone was fueling him, it was the elf. He didn’t want to think about what they were doing or what they might even be talking about - the thought of his boyfriend suddenly agreeing with him was horrifying.

\---

His eyes widened, not having expected the change in subject. “Fenris isn’t always unpleasant. There are layers to him, much like Hawke. I’ve told him that if he would just lower his guard a little bit and try talking to you, you two might actually be friends. You have a lot in common.” He sipped his mead and sighed. “Your man is too determined to let one man influence what he does. If Fenris weren’t helping him, he’d be out doing this alone.”

\---

“You’re right and you’re wrong. I agree that there’s some common ground, but I absolutely disagree that there is anything more to him than what’s on the surface. You peel a layer back? Oh look, have some bigotry. Another? I do so hope you enjoy some willful ignorance.” He smirked as he went on, amusing himself and not quite taking himself seriously. Mostly.

“Maybe, but it isn’t helping. It isn’t helping for him to have someone that agrees with him. That revels in what they’re doing. It’s… its wrong.” His expression turned somber once more, but this time there was something almost bitter to it.

\---

“You forgot the layer of self righteous indignation.” Varric didn't mind playing along, the elf really was an asshole. But he wore an amiable smile as he said it. “Really though, he is a good man once you get past his defenses. I think enough time with the right company could help him understand that his fear and hatred is misdirected...but not if he and Hawke keep doing what they're doing.” His smile faltered. “They're fueling each other's desires to take out what a couple bad mages did to them on a lot of innocent people. I'm trying to redirect your man. To busy him with helping the mages he still considers ‘good’ so he'll remember they're all just people. But he's not interested in listening to me right now.”

\---

He laughed, was quick to rolled his eyes as he went on. Then he frowned, his head lowering to fix his eyes on his drink. “I don’t know if he’ll ever want to pick up where we left off. He hates himself for helping us at all.” He didn’t know how to approach that. “I can’t just stop because he doesn’t want to anymore… but he’ll be angry if he finds out I’m doing all that again without him.” For many reasons.

\---

“We don't necessarily have to tell him if you and I start up our old duo. We can help the mages while he's preoccupied and he won't know the difference. If he does, well tell him I talked you into it. He's already mad at me, anyway.” He took a deep drink of his mead and sighed. “Hopefully he’ll come to his senses before long.”

\---

He felt unease talking about doing it behind his back. He’d promised him that he wouldn’t do it without him and even if he ignored that, he could already feel what his reaction would be if he found out.

Even so, this was important to him. That hadn’t changed and with the way his boyfriend was acting, he was feeling the importance of it more than ever. “Yeah, I can’t just stop. No matter how it makes him feel, if I’m going to be living in Kirkwall, I can’t play ignorant.”

\---

“Of course not. They still need help.” Varric agreed with a sigh. “With or without Hawke's approval. Everything he’s doing will just make it worse for them.”

\---

It hurt that he was right, but he was. “...Okay, then it’ll be me and you like before. We just have to be careful - he didn’t catch on before until I told him so there’s no reason for him to catch on now.” He wished it didn’t have to be like this, but until his boyfriend began to see that what he was doing was wrong, he had no choice.

\---

“It'll be our little secret. Just like it used to be.” Varric smiled for him hoping to cheer him up a little. Lucy stood and moved to rub her head against Anders’ arm, wanting more attention from him. “Well, Lucy knows too. But I trust her, she can keep a secret.”

\---

“Lucy is all for mage rights,” he replied, plucking her up and pulling her back into his arms. “Sweet girl, she’d be fighting right alongside us if she were the heroine in your book.” He cuddled her close, looking down at her with his lips quirked.

\---

“She would. She might even be leading the charge.” Varric mused, a more genuine smile on his lips as he watched her cuddle up to the mage and purr. “Maybe she still can. When she's grown up a little more, maybe I can teach her to wield a little dagger in her teeth. She can ride on my shoulder and cut up anyone that gets too close for Bianca's taste.”

\---

“That would be a sight.” He ran his fingers through her fur slowly and luxuriously. “You should get her a collar,” he suggested, so that people would know she was owned if she ever got out of his room. “Maybe you can get her one to match your necklace.” The thought amused him greatly.

\---

“I should. A lady like her deserves no less than gold. Maybe even a couple jewels to compliment her eyes.” He watched the kitten as he considered it, though her eyes were closed in bliss as she was stroked.

\---

“Then you just have to make sure she doesn’t get out. Instead of stealing her, they’ll try to steal her jewels.” He smiled and poked her snout. “Their loss.”

\---

“I've been careful, but it doesn't seem to be a problem. She always sticks pretty close to me. She knows she's my girl.” He chuckled when the poke made her whiskers twitch. “She could be our mage rights mascot too. Who could resist a three-legged cat in gold with a dagger in her teeth?”

\---

“Not me.” He couldn’t resist any cat. He returned to stroking her for a time and after he finished his drink, he set her back down. “I should get going. I’m sure he won’t be back any time soon, but I should be home when he gets there.”

\---

Varric finished his mead as well, then set it down with a satisfied sigh. “That sounds like a good plan.” He stood then, meaning to walk Anders out. He put a hand on his arm and gave him a warm smile. “I'm glad you came by, Blondie. It was really good to see you.” To see him without Hawke breathing down his neck as he had been lately.

\---

He returned the smile, pleased that he seemed to genuinely mean it. “Me too. It’ll be nice to start working together again.” Just them. He made his way to the door and with a final look at him, he made his way out, starting the trek back home.


	29. Chapter 29

A couple weeks later, Hawke’s mood continued to improve. He still was far from happy - as far as he could remember, he hadn’t so much as cracked a smile since his mother was mutilated. But his moods were becoming more predictable and only once since Anders had visited Varric had he felt the need to slap him to get his point across about something. It had shut Anders up quickly and put an end to the discussion, just as he’d wanted. He was still being rather distant about offering affection to Anders, unless of course it was when he was ready to make up after striking him like that.

He decided to drop by the clinic one afternoon, having finished his work of the day early. He’d stopped by the market for some supplies - he was slowly starting to take care of managing all of their finances, including the needs of the clinic - so he carried a basket of empty bottles and bandages in with him. When he stepped inside, his eyes found his lover immediately and saw that he was finishing up tending to someone. He knew Anders would look up to see who had stopped in so he offered a nod of greeting, staying quiet so as not to interrupt as he went to unpack the supplies he’d brought in.

\---

The improvement in Hawke had seen the opposite in Anders. They continued to argue here and there and even his attempts at taking a middle ground, so as to not piss him off, weren’t really working. He was finding that saying nothing at all was better, though sometimes he couldn’t help himself and so sometimes he set him off.

The last couple of days had been pretty good for both of them and as such, when he looked up and saw him coming in with supplies, he offered him a little smile. He returned to what he was doing, setting his hand on the side of a shirtless man to check inside to make sure he hadn’t missed anything from the gash he’d healed.

“Looks good.” He let his hand dropped and reached for the shirt he’d helped take off of him when he’d arrived. “Sorry that I can’t heal this too - you’ll have to take it to get mended if you care to keep it.”

\---

“That’s okay, Healer. You’ve done plenty for me already.” The man smiled to Anders as he took back his torn shirt. “I don’t have much coin to give you in return. But you’ve been so kind whenever I’ve needed you…” His smile turned to a smirk and he reached out to brush his fingers over the mage’s hip. “There are other ways I could repay you…”

Hawke had his back turned to them, but he didn’t like the purring tone of that man’s voice and as he went on, he found himself turning his head toward the pair. For the moment, he wasn’t even angry, too stunned by how forward the man was being with his lover.

\---

This was far from the first time he’d been flirted with by a patient, but they usually weren’t this forward. Usually he didn’t mind, he just didn’t respond, but with his boyfriend here, he couldn’t help but tense. He took a step back from him, so he was no longer touching him, and just gave him an oblivious smile.

“That’s alright. I don’t expect payment from anyone - I’m happy to help.”

\---

The man hopped down from the table, feeling much better after the heal, and reached into his coin purse. He took out half of the few coins he had and offered them to him. “I know you don’t expect anything from anyone. That’s part of what makes you so special. I’d be happy to do something for you though. You’ve been so good to me and it doesn’t hurt that you’re easy on the eyes.” He was moving closer to Anders when the sound of heavy footfalls caught his attention and he narrowly escaped the rogue’s grab for the back of his neck. “H-hey!”

“Stay away from him.” Hawke snarled, looking as if he was very tempted to advance on the stunned man despite the fact that he was already backing off.

\---

He took the coins from him, thanking him and slipping them into his pocket. He figured that would be the end of that, so when he went on, he tensed even more. He saw Hawke coming and his heart lifted into his throat. He couldn’t get words out when he was grabbed at, but he managed to afterwards. “That’s my boyfriend,” he quickly explained, wanting to de-escalate the situation before it even got a chance to escalate. “It’s alright, you didn’t know. If you need anything else, you can stop by later, just try not to get hurt!” He was trying to be friendly about it and the dismissal, but there was something a little frantic in his voice.

\---

“Oh!” The guy’s face went red and he raised his hands defensively. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I’ll just...see you later.” He couldn’t get out of there fast enough, rushing to go without a look back at them.

Hawke was seething and he looked to Anders. “And how often has that happened, hmmm? Your patients wanting to repay their kind healer in ways other than coin?”

\---

“Rarely,” he replied, taking a step back from him as well. “It’s not a big deal - he didn’t know I was taken and now he does.” What was flirting as long as he didn’t respond to it? Anders knew that he got his share of flirting, he’d even seen it for himself, but he deflected it and so it didn’t matter.

\---

“If I wouldn’t have been here, he wouldn’t have cared that you were taken. How many ‘favors’ have you accepted from your patients?” He took another step forward to close the distance Anders had made between them. “He wasn’t anything special to look at, but I bet you’ve had some you wanted to bend over the table and fuck in here.”

\---

“Stop it.” He didn’t want to talk about this. “I can’t control it if people want to hit on me anymore than you control it if people hit on you. What matters is that I don’t want them and I don’t respond to them.” He turned away from him, wanting to clean up and drop the conversation.

\---

“You didn’t want to answer that question, did you?” He turned Anders back around to face him, clutching him with a painfully tight grip. “I reject the people that flirt with me. But you, you talk to them like you’re playing hard to get. That’s why that man went right back to trying to get into your robes.”

\---

He winced and tried to back up, not wanting to be near him while he was like this. “It’s a professional setting, Hawke, I can’t just be rude to my patients. If I don’t respond, usually they get the picture and back off. If they don’t, then I say something. You didn’t give me a chance to before you tried to grab him.”

\---

“Of course I didn’t. I wasn’t going to wait to see if you’d let him make another grab at your cock.” When he tried to pull back, Hawke gave him a harsh shake. “I can’t trust you to be alone with people like him. I don’t know how many times you’ve let them get away with touching you.”

\---

“Stop it!’ he repeated, jerking back from him. He didn’t want to be handled like that, so he moved away from him, putting distance between them. “You told me you’d stop with the violence, so please stop!” He went so far as to put a work table between them, so he couldn’t grab at him again. “I’m yours and you know that, so will you just trust me already?”

\---

“Violence? I was holding you, Anders.” He spat, but didn’t pursue him around the table. “I don’t know that. I just saw what really goes on in here for myself. It’s time you closed this clinic. There’s plenty for you to be doing at home without strangers trying to fuck you there.”

\---

“What? What are you talking about?” Close the clinic? Just because someone hit on him? “No, that’s ridiculous. I’m not going to close the clinic because once in a while someone wants me. I don’t want them. That’s all that should matter.”

\---

“It does matter because I’m not here to make sure things don’t escalate. That man was _touching_ you and if I hadn’t been here, you might have decided that was just what you wanted.” He looked around distastefully, as if imagining all the places Anders might have gotten intimate with his patients. “You don’t need to keep this place going. The people of Darktown were fine when you had it closed to look after me. You can keep busy at home.”

\---

“You’re accusing me of cheating on you. I wouldn’t do that.” It was frustrating that he wasn’t trusted with this. “If you really think I would succumb that easily, why are you with me? Why bother if you don’t think I’m going to fuck anyone and everyone?” He was hurt. “I’m not going to close the clinic. This is what I want to be doing - things have improved since I’ve been here and I’m not going to take that away from them because you’re jealous.”

\---

“Because I love you. I love you and if I remove the temptation, it won’t be an issue.” He turned away from him, disgusted that they even needed to have this conversation. “I don’t want you running this clinic when I’m not here and I don’t have time to be keeping an eye on what goes on in this dump every day. You can open this when I have a day off.”

\---

“It’s not a dump!” He couldn’t believe he would call it that. “I don’t have time for this - just go home.” He wasn’t going to do this and risk someone walking in. “We’ll talk about this tonight.”

\---

He snorted, unable to believe that Anders would have the nerve to dismiss him. “I think I _will_ go home. I’ve seen enough of what happens here.” He snarled, looking over his shoulder at him. “We’re not talking about anything tonight. If you love this place so much, you can just spend the night here. I need to be alone tonight.”

\---

He turned away from him, not wanting him to see his reaction. “Fine. Come get me when you get over yourself.” Normally he refrained from responding in such a way, but he was being so ridiculous. His entire body was filled with tension as he waited for him to go, wanting to be alone just as much.

\---

He left then, slamming the door closed behind him. He knew he’d be missing him once night fell and he was ready for Anders’ hands on body to warm him and help soothe him to sleep. But he was too angry to even consider going back. He’d seen the flirting in the clinic he had suspected in the back of his mind for himself and if Anders insisted on keeping it, this was where he should stay for the night until he’d cooled down.


	30. Chapter 30

After three nights of staying with Varric, more and more humiliated each time he had to knock on the door and ask to stay, and no sign of relenting from Hawke, he wasn’t even sure what the status of their relationship was. He’d thought he’d have come by to come get him, if nothing else, by now and since he hadn’t… Anders needed to know if it was time to get his stuff.

He closed the clinic later than what had become usual for him, having taken to working his old hours while he wasn’t expected at home. Even though the simplest route to the mansion was right outside it and he had the key, he took the long way around so he could knock on the front door and wait for an answer. If he wasn’t welcome there, he wasn’t going to barge in.

\---

Hawke had been restless and angry over the last few days, but he’d at least had enough work during the day to keep him busy. When he heard the knock at the door, he’d finished cleaning up after a day of missions in town and was wearing his soft linens to sleep in. But he was pale and looked exhausted - he was very spoiled to Anders feeding and taking care of him and without the mage to do things for him, he’d been struggling to keep up with meals and sleep. When he answered, he looked relieved. “You...you came home. Come here…” He opened his arms to him, wanting his lover to settle into his embrace now that he’d taken the first step toward resolving this.

\---

His expression betrayed no emotion as the door opened and he was greeted in a way that made no sense at all. “...You told me not to come home. You told me to leave you alone.” So why was he greeting him like he hadn’t show up out of stubbornness? He didn’t move to step into the house, much less his arms.

\---

“I needed space. But I missed you and I’m glad you’re here now.” He kept his arms out, using his hands to beckon him in. “I only meant for that night. I was worried when you didn’t come back after that. But I didn’t want to go to your clinic, I didn’t want there to be another fight.”

\---

Well then, it seemed they still had a relationship. “I’m not closing the clinic.” Obviously he still thought there were things going on there, but he wasn’t going to give into this irrationality. “If you can’t handle that, then we need to talk about how we’re going to move forward.” Still, he remained where he was, not giving into his silent request.

\---

“Don’t close it then.” He dropped his arms then, turning away from him to walk back into the house. He at least left the door open so he could come in if he wanted to. It was not the start he wanted to this conversation and he wasn’t going to stand before him with open arms if Anders was going to start that way.

\---

He watched him go and some of the tension in his posture eased. He stepped inside cautiously and then shut the door behind him, locking it. He followed after him and waited until he chose the room he meant to settle down in to speak. “Do you want to talk about this or not?” He knew how he was and if he didn’t want to talk about it, he would drop it, but it wouldn’t help anything.

\---

Hawke moved to sit down on the couch, resuming picking at the grapes he’d been eating by the fireplace when Anders had knocked. “There isn’t much to talk about. I want you to close the clinic because your patients can’t keep their hands to themselves, you don’t want to close it. So you’re not closing it.”

\---

“You’re exaggerating and making a big deal out of nothing. You happened to see the one time a patient tried to touch me and now you’re assuming that it happens all the time _and_ that I welcome it.” He shook his head. “It’s ridiculous.”

\---

“I was happy to see you when you came home. I missed you and you just have to start right in on this.” He grumbled toward the fireplace, not looking at him. “I just struggle to believe that it is really the only time it has happened, but you’re not closing your clinic either way so it doesn’t matter.”

\---

“I missed you too. I missed you and you don’t care about how much it hurts me when you do this to me. You don’t care how I feel.” He folded his arms, fixing his own gaze away and trying to keep himself from getting too emotional. “If I didn’t come here, how long would it have taken for you to come to me? Would you have come at all?”

\---

“I didn’t do anything to you! I left you to your clinic because you care more about it than you care about how _I_ feel!” He set the saucer of grapes down hard and it was a wonder it didn’t break. “I was waiting for you to come home. I don’t belong in your clinic but you belong here.”

\---

“You did plenty! You tried to attack my patient, you accused me of cheating on you, you kicked me out of _our_ home. Why did you do all that? Because you don’t trust me! I’ve done nothing to deserve it! How can you tell me that I belong here after telling me to find somewhere else to sleep? If you needed space, there are other rooms, you know. There are so many other rooms, but I wasn’t allowed to come home at all because you were mad at me for something that wasn’t my fault!”

\---

“You wouldn’t trust me either if I just let someone touch me like that!” He rose to his feet, unable to stay settled where he sat. “I didn’t tell you to find somewhere to sleep. I told you to stay in your clinic, just like you always used to before you and I got together. You’re talking like I put you out on the street, I just told you to stay in the place you used to live in!”

\---

“I didn’t let him touch me! He touched me and I moved away from him and changed the subject!” He couldn’t believe he was being blamed for this. “The clinic isn’t my ‘place’ anymore! When you kick me out of my home-” He stopped himself, knowing that arguing was pointless. As much as he felt the need to, there was no point and he just had to move on. “Is this my home or not? If not, I can find somewhere else to stay. We can treat this like we did before we moved in together - I’ll stay here sometimes and you can stay with me sometimes, if you want.”

\---

“This is your home! We got this home together!” Even if it was his family’s old home. “You don’t need to find anywhere else to stay. You’re right, there are lots of rooms if one of us needs space. This whole house is so fucking empty with my ma and sister gone anyway.” He couldn’t look at him as he said it, turning toward the fireplace and walking closer to it.

\---

He let out a deep breath, relieved to have gotten through to him at least a little. “I know it’s been difficult, but you have to stop taking it out on me. If this is really my home, I don’t want to be kicked out of it again.” He took a few steps closer to him, finding this conversation to be rather reasonable, all things considered. “We need to work on these things, remember?”

\---

Hawke put a hand up on the brick of the fireplace, using it to lean on. He was rather proud of himself that he hadn’t taken a swing at it. “I’m trying. I didn’t hit that guy and I didn’t hit you. I’m _trying_.”

\---

“...I know you are, why don’t we just let it go for now?” They could talk about it some other time. “We missed each other.” He closed the distance and set a hand on his shoulder.

\---

He turned toward him a little, but didn’t open his arms to him this time. He wasn’t going to risk the insult of being rejected again. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just glad you’re home.”

\---

“So am I.” He’d wanted to come home each night, he just hadn’t known if he would be welcome. He slid his arm around him, giving him a light embrace. “I think it’s been difficult for both of us.”

\---

Hawke turned toward him further, wrapping his arms around him now that Anders had initiated. It felt good to hold him again and he held him tightly. “We should go to bed early tonight.” The bed had been cold and empty without him. He looked forward to lying down with him.

\---

“Alright, why don’t you go get settled? I’m going to stop by the kitchen to grab something to eat.” He hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning, courtesy of Varric, and he was hungry. “I’ll meet you there.”

\---

“See you up there.” At least he’d be joined once he got comfortable in bed. He’d undress first - he needed the intimacy after days without. His mage was home he’d make sure they at least got some time together the next morning before they went their separate ways for the day to make up for lost time.


	31. Chapter 31

Isabela headed toward the clinic by herself for the first time in months. If she got roughed up on a mission, she typically went to Anders with the group to be patched up and beyond that, she’d stayed away. She knew that Hawke threw fits about her interacting with Anders and though she missed him, she left him be. She might say a word or two to him when they were in a group together - in a mission or playing cards - but she knew that the mage was uncomfortable when she did. It was a shame, but she also understood why he felt the need to do that. Hawke really had flown off the handle when they’d tried to talk early in their relationship.

But today, she needed him and so she’d made her way to his clinic on her own and stepped inside. She was ashen and she was holding her side, looking like she was fighting to keep composure despite the pain she was in.

\---

There was a lull in activity, so when he heard the sound of someone stepping in, he looked up, ready to greet and treat whoever it was. When he actually saw who it was, however, he paled and even though he was alone and he knew he was alone, he still looked around the room.

They were, in fact, alone and he could see that she didn’t look well, but was shaking his head. “No, no. You need to go.” He took a few steps to the side, to look past her out the door. There was no one there either. “Now.”

\---

“Anders, please…” She rarely addressed him without his nickname, but her teeth her clenched as she spoke. “I need your help. Go get Hawke if you need supervision, but I need you to help me. Something’s wrong…” The way her voice tightened and her breathing seemed to pick up as she went on, it seemed that talking was making it worse.

\---

“No, you need to go. No.” He was still shaking his head, looking oddly panicked. He couldn’t go get his boyfriend - he would be furious. He wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t care that this wasn’t his fault. He wouldn’t care that he’d come to get him. All he’d hear was that Isabela showed up to the clinic alone and that would be it. It wouldn’t matter that she needed help. “Go get Varric. Why didn’t you bring Varric? I can’t help you.”

\---

“He’s not home!” She couldn’t believe he was trying to turn her away. She gaped at him, but she couldn’t maintain it, needing to clench her teeth again. “I’m in so much pain. I’m urinating blood, Anders. You have to help me.”

\---

“It’s probably just an infection.” Knowing her, it probably was an infection. “You have to go. Go home - I’ll find Varric and we’ll come to your room. I can take care of you there.” He couldn’t help but look past her again, wanting to make sure that no one was coming. He hadn’t felt this worked up in some time, but they’d managed to find peace in the passing weeks and this could take it all away.

\---

“I can’t…” She couldn’t believe he’d send her home. That he could probably fix this with a snap of his fingers but he wanted her to go home and wait until he found Varric, wherever the dwarf may be. “Fine.” Clearly she wasn’t going to get any help here. She started out then, knowing it would be a long walk back to her room to get settled again. Maybe she’d have to have a word with their fearless leader about how he’d gotten Anders so afraid to interact with her that he wouldn’t even heal her when she was in clear distress.

\-----

It took a little over an hour to find Varric, but when he managed to finally locate him in Hightown talking to some people he didn’t recognize, he didn’t hesitate to interrupt. “I need your help,” he told him, touching his arm and putting just enough pressure on it to show him that he wanted him to step away from the conversation he’d rudely disrupted.

\---

Varric’s business with these men was completed for the most part, so he was quick to excuse himself. Anders wouldn’t interrupt him in a conversation like this if it wasn’t important. After apologizing and dismissing himself, he stepped away with the mage and looked up to him with a puzzled frown. “Of course. What is it, Blondie?”

\---

“You have to come with me to Isabela’s room. Something’s wrong with her and she’s hurting, but I can’t treat her unless you’re there.” His hand was still on his arm and this time he took hold of it, trying to tug him along so they could go to Lowtown together.

\---

“She’s not at your clinic?” That seemed odd. He wasn’t sure how Anders would even know about it if she was in her room. He followed the pull, walking with him quickly back toward the Hanged Man. “It must not be anything too bad, right?” He understood why Anders felt he needed a witness if he was going to heal her after the way Hawke carried on. But if it was bad, surely he would have just taken care of it.

\---

“No, I told her to go back to her room.” He let go of him once they were moving, feeling a lot less anxious while he was with him. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, that’s why I had to come find you.” Blood in urine wasn’t a good sign, but there could be plenty of reasons for it and some were far less serious than others.

\---

“Alright, let’s check her out then.” It was odd that he’d sent her back to her room. If that was the case, she must not have been in any real distress.

As soon as they were at her room, he could hear her groaning through the door. But it was a very different groaning from what he was used to. He knocked and heard her growl through clenched teeth that it was open. When Varric lead the mage inside, his brows rose. The pirate’s room always smelled of sweet oils and perfumes, but right now it smelled a bit like stale vomit. She was on her bed in just a long tunic, her skin glistening with sweat though she was pulling at her blankets as if she was chilled with fever. Varic looked to Anders with a frown. She looked like shit and he was stunned that Anders would have turned her away if she’d looked even half this bad in his clinic.

\---

With Varric there, he didn’t hesitate to go straight to her. If she wasn’t sick, he would’ve been reluctant to do even that, but he did want to help her. “Okay, we’re here. Tell me what’s been going on.” He wanted to hear her symptoms before he began to examine her, since he thought it was likely he’d have to look between her legs and he didn’t want to do that if he could avoid it.

\---

Isabela was relieved that Anders went right to her. She’d been afraid that even with Varric present, it would take some convincing to get him to come near her. “I’ve been fine. I’ve done missions with Hawke three days in a row and had some of my own business to tend to at nights.” She’d definitely been overdoing it, but she didn’t realize that what was causing her current distress was a problem that had formed from dehydration. “I woke up in pain this morning and it’s gotten worse through the day. Not an ache, a severe pain, worse than a dagger to the gut.” Everyone in their group knew how it felt to be cleaved open somewhere. “I tried to sip a little whiskey to ease the pain ‘til I could see you, but that was when I started throwing up and pissing blood.” Her speech was interrupted by frequent little gasps of pain and by the time she finished, she was holding her side again, her body tense. “Fuck, it hurts.” That was the simplified summary of all she’d said, after all.

\---

He nodded and since she was hurting so bad, he put an aura up for her. It would ease the pain considerably and with that, he moved her hand from where she was holding her side and placed his hand there instead. He pushed his magic into her and found the problem right away.

“Ah, no wonder it hurts.” He drew his hand back and straightened. “Varric, get some water for her. A pitcher of it.” He began to rifle through a bag he’d packed. He hadn’t known what he would need, so he’d brought a little bit of everything. It wasn’t an infection as he’d thought, but it wasn’t anything serious.

“You have a kidney stone,” he informed her, giving her a sympathetic look. “It’s not actually something I can fix. You’ll have to pass it the natural way, but I can help you ease the symptoms.”

\---

“On it.” Varric rushed out to get the pitcher he was asked for, happy to go. For one thing, it was reassuring that Anders was willing to stay in the room alone with her for a few minutes. For another, it was distressing to see Isabela in such a state and he didn’t feel it was place to be there when she was so ill.

“That’s helping already.” Isabela drew some deeper breaths, relieved by the aura. “Kidney stone? What do you mean pass it?” She didn’t understand that the blood in her urine was from the sharp edges of the stone scratching its way along her urinary tract and that the stone was already on its way.

\---

“It’s what it sounds like. A stone has formed in your kidney and it needs a way out of your body. The only path it has is your urinary tract and so it’s currently working its way through.” He pulled out some herbs that would reduce her pain while she waited. “It’s hard to say how long it will take, but unfortunately, it’s going to hurt until you finally get it out.”

\---

“It needs to hurry. I have shit to do.” She writhed a little on the bed, pushing her blankets down a little now that the chill had passed. “Will I be puking and have a fever the whole time?” She asked with a miserable little groan as she watched him go through his herbs. Perhaps he’d have something for that too.

\---

“Probably. The best thing you can do is drink a lot of fluids. Even after you pass it, drinking enough fluids will prevent it from happening again.” Hence the need for the pitcher of water. He continued to dig and after pulling out another bit of herbs, he offered them to her. “Make tea with these. It’ll help your symptoms until it passes.”

He could make some for her before he left, but that was about all he could do for her, unless he stayed with her to keep the aura in place until it was gone.

\---

“Varric will have to be my nurse. I’m in no shape for making tea.” She murmured, though she took the herbs gratefully. “If this lasts for more than a few days, maybe I could stay at the clinic? It would be nice to have your healing once in awhile during the day if this is going to be a long affair.”

Varric came back into the room then, carrying a pitcher of water and an empty tankard. He set it down within Anders’ reach and moved back again to stay out of the way.

\---

“No, I’m sorry. You can’t stay there and you don’t really need to. This isn’t going to be fun for you, but there’s not really anything I can do for you. It would be the same as if you stayed here.” He looked up when the dwarf returned and used the water to fill up the tankard, warming it until it was steaming with a hand. Then he took back the herbs from her to add some to the water and set all of it aside while it steeped.

\---

“Other than the magic pain relief you’re giving me right now.” She smirked, but it was half-hearted. She’d had to ask, even though she’d known he would refuse. If Hawke wasn’t so crazy, she knew she’d be welcome to stay in the clinic and get regular heals from him while she endured this.

\---

He just gave her a regretful look. “The tea will help.” Not as much, but it would help. “Who knows? Maybe it’ll pass today,” he tried, wanting to lighten things up. He reached for the tankard, knowing the tea wasn’t quite done steeping, and offered it to her. “Give it a chance to cool, then drink this. Keep drinking plenty of fluids… Like you said, Varric can help you.”

\---

“Oh, I got volunteered?” Varric snorted, but his smile was good-natured. “Of course I’ll help, Rivaini. I’m not good with illness, but I can fetch water with the best of men.”

Isabela held the tea and sighed softly. The heat of it in her hands felt nice as her fever chilled her again. “How long should we wait for this to pass before Varric needs to come get you to check on me?” She didn’t doubt that sometimes they were big enough that they had to be cut out of people, but she hoped he was right and it was just something she could pass naturally. Preferably the same day.

\---

The comment made him snicker, but his he quickly resumed his professional demeanor when Isabela asked him her question. “A couple of weeks.” He knew that was probably horrifying for her to hear, but it could very well take that long. The stone wasn’t all that big, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be stubborn.

\---

“Weeks? I can’t do this for weeks.” It had only been a matter of hours so far and it was already horrible. “But if I do find this goes on that long, I’ll send Varric for you.” She blew on the tea and then took a sip. It wasn’t bad for a medicinal tea and she hoped it would go into effect before Anders and his magic left.

\---

“Sounds good.” He moved away from her. “I should get going. I have to return to the clinic.” She had what she needed and if there was a problem, Varric could be the middleman between them. He let the aura fade slowly, as to ease her back into the sensation.

\---

“Thank you. I’m glad you came.” Frustrated as she was that she’d had to walk home and wait for him, she was glad he’d come to see her in the end. She’d prefer to stay in the clinic until she felt capable of taking care of herself, but she’d have to settle for Varric going to fetch him if there was a big problem.

“I’ll keep an eye on her.” Varric patted Anders’ arm. He wanted to talk to him - to figure out just where the boundaries were for him. It still surprised him that he wouldn’t see Isabela when she was clearly distressed for fear of rocking the boat with Hawke. But he knew Anders didn’t like him questioning his relationship with the other rogue.

\---

“Yeah, just let me know if anything comes up.” He slid his bag back over his shoulder and with a final goodbye, he made his way out of the room. He was relieved that was over with and he hoped for her sake, it would be over for her soon as well.


	32. Chapter 32

It was a couple days later that Hawke had gone searching for Isabela for a mission and found her laid up in bed. She looked like hell and when he suggested he bring Anders to see her, he learned his lover had already tended to her. The story of what had happened was interesting and Hawke found himself eager to talk to Anders about it.

His work kept him out later than usual, so he wasn't surprised that the mage made it home first. When he came into the house, he greeted Anders, gave Pickles a scratch behind the ears, then got out of his armor. He'd gotten use to Anders washing up his gear for him, so he left it for him, going instead to change out of his sweaty clothes and wash up quickly.

When he came back downstairs for supper, he looked weary but refreshed. He watched Anders with intrigue as he settled at the table, waiting for the mage to warm his meal. “I might need you to close the clinic tomorrow. There's a thief running around stealing heirlooms here in Hightown and I was thinking of taking you, Varric, and Aveline with me to find him in the morning.”

\---

Having expected him sooner, Anders had started dinner earlier. Unfortunately, that meant that by the time he actually got home, it had been sitting for a while, so he was currently doing what he could to refresh it. He’d chosen to wait to eat, knowing Hawke would appreciate it if they could eat together.

“Of course, love,” he agreed, never minding helping as long as he wasn’t forced to put off the clinic for long periods of time. “Do you think we’ll be off in the morning or in the afternoon?”

He carried their plates to the table and set the rogue’s down in front of him. “Here you go.” He set down his own and then took his seat.

\---

“Off in the morning. While the thief is still sleeping off his or her late night adventures.” He murmured a thank you when he was served and dug right into his meal. “I was going to ask Isabela to come along since Aveline has night patrol and won't get much sleep before we go, but she's in terrible shape. You didn't tell me you'd seen her already. I was going to bring you to treat her and she told me you've tended to her days ago.”

\---

He tensed and kept his expression carefully control. “Yeah, Varric told me she needed help, so we went to her room together. It was nothing big and there wasn’t really anything I could do, so it was all pretty in and out.” He was trying to make it clear that nothing had happened and that he hadn't been alone with her.

\---

“Varric told you?” His own tone was entirely neutral. That wasn't the story he'd heard. He had been prepared to praise him for refusing to see her when she showed up alone, but now his brows raised a little.

\---

He met his gaze, the question making him wary. “I mean…” He wasn’t sure if he was asking because he knew differently or if he was interrogating him and looking for something to be angry about. “He was with me when we went to her room.” That was the truth and it was avoiding the question, so maybe he would be satisfied with that.

\---

Hawke went on eating, thinking that over. It seemed he was at least telling the truth now. “You mean, he didn't tell you but he came to get you? She told me he was there when you treated her, I'm not upset. I'm just trying to understand what happened.”

\---

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s what meant. Yeah, sorry. It was a long day,” he chattered, trying to get past it. Especially if he wasn’t upset about it. “Like I said, nothing I could do, but she’ll be out of commission for a while.” He proceeded to tell him about her condition, going into more detail than he would’ve if he wasn’t trying to change the subject. “Make sure you never dehydrate yourself if you want to avoid getting one - it’s even worse in men! Longer path to take and all.”

\---

“I definitely don't want one of those.” He took a long drink of his water to prove the point after listening to all of that. “So if Varric didn't tell you, how did you find out about her?” He knew the truth, he just didn't know for certain if Anders had actually said that by mistake or if he intentionally lied about it.

\---

Hawke was really fixated on how he found out. Anders just didn’t know why - he was beginning to think that he knew the truth, but he wasn’t sure. He seemed to be accepting the bit about Varric, but he’d already changed his story. He couldn’t change it back and as it was, it didn’t really make sense. He’d stopped eating and he was thinking hard, partly for show, trying to figure out what to say.

“Honestly, that was a pretty long day too - I don’t really remember the details. I mostly just remember Isabela carrying on and bitching about how long she’d be dealing with all of that.” He looked at his plate. “Want anything else? Here, let me refill your glass. I have to do my part to help make sure you stay hydrated!” He rose to his feet, reaching for it.

\---

He caught Anders by the hand as he reached for his glass, firmly but not painfully tight. “Don't lie to me. I'm glad you didn't see her in your clinic since she came alone. You did the right thing. But you make it harder to trust you when you lie to me.” He released him then and sat back. “More water would be good. I don't want any of those stones.”

\---

He froze and when he was freed, he remained where he was for a few beats and then took the glass and straightened. Without a word, he went to fill it back up and then returned, setting it down in front of him. He sat back down and then began to slowly resumed eating. For as chatty as he’d been before, he had nothing to say now.

\---

“Why did you lie? Did you think I would be angry?” He asked, resuming his own meal. He was still rather casual in his eating, not seeming particularly worked up about the whole ordeal. “You did just as you should have. She’s the one who put you in an awkward position by showing up to your clinic alone when she should have waited for Varric.”

\---

He didn’t really want to admit to lying, but he’d been caught. He kept his eyes on his plate, not wanting to look up. “...Yes. I thought you would be angry that she came to the clinic.” It wouldn’t have been his fault, but he’d never really been reasonable about what his fault and what wasn’t.

\---

“That’s not your fault, Anders. That was all on her.” He took another bite, thinking it over. “You still took care of her, you just did the responsible thing and got Varric first. I couldn’t be happier about your decision. ...I just don’t like that you felt the need to not tell me about it. And then lie when I asked about it. It makes me feel like you have something to hide.”

\---

“I don’t.” He did, actually. He had a pretty big thing to hide, but he wasn’t going to be admitting to that any time soon. “I was just scared.” He wished he’d just told the truth from the beginning, or at least switched to it, but he really hadn’t wanted him to know. He was upset that he did know, though he was surprised that he was pleased with him. It kind of felt good.

\---

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You have no reason to be scared.” The only thing he’d done wrong was lie. He sipped his water, still thinking all of this over. He didn’t know if he could let this slide, if he’d encourage him to keep lying about things if he let this go. But at the same time, the praise might also go far with Anders. He didn’t give his lover very much of it these days.

\---

He gave a nod, trying to let that knowledge relax him. If he didn’t have anything to be scared of, maybe this was over. “Do you want anything else to eat?” He still hadn’t quite finished his own plate, but he was hoping to change the subject.

\---

“No, this is good.” He was nearly finished with his plate, but had plenty of water left. “I need more space for water anyway. She said she was pissing blood. I want no part of that.” The idea of a sharp little stone making its way out of us his cock was even less appealing.

\---

“I’ll clean up then.” He took another couple bites of his food, waiting until he was done, and then stood up so he could take both of their dishes to be washed. He just wanted to busy himself and utilize that time to relax himself properly. There was still tension in him, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.

\---

Hawke finished his water, then moved to him to add his glass to the dishes Anders was washing. He wrapped his arms around him from behind, something he hadn't done since his mother's death, and murmured in his ear. “Is there anything else you want to tell me? Since you're being honest with me?”

\---

He felt him coming up behind him, but the embrace was surprising, welcome even, until he heard what he had to say. He stiffened, not because he was worried about what he was hiding, though he was, but because this kind of talk made him nervous. “No, there’s nothing else.” He wished he would stop, but when he got in this kind of mood… It felt like it never stopped.

\---

“Good. I want to trust you. I love you, Anders.” He murmured, keeping his hold on him. He pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, a tenderness in the gesture that he rarely felt these days. “I love you very much.”

\---

After a couple of beats, he leaned back into him, comforted by the touch. “I love you too, Garrett,” he murmured softly. He wanted to stay like this and he’d stopped what he was doing to just enjoy the touch.

—

He held him tightly when he leaned into him and nuzzled his cheek against the back of his neck. His beard had grown back nice and full and he knew Anders liked the feel of it against his skin. He didn't like the dishonesty from him at all, but he also understood it. What was more important was that he'd kept Isabela far away from him while they'd been alone.

\---

He felt his chest beginning to lighten and after a while, he turned in his arms to embrace him. He hadn’t felt this good about things in a while, despite what had just happened between them. “Let’s sit on the couch and cuddle after I finish cleaning up.”

He gave him a little smile, looking genuinely happy.

\---

He nodded and kept him held close. Despite his lack of desire to touch Anders much lately, cozying up on the couch with him did sound nice at the moment. “I'll wait for you there.” He punctuated this with a soft kiss.

\---

“Okay.” He took a kiss of his own and then pulled away to finish with the dishes. He needed to clean his armor too, so it would be a little bit before he actually got there.

—

Hawke left him to it, going to the fireplace to get it going for the evening and taking his seat on the couch. He found he was looking forward to Anders joining him. If he'd wanted to, he could have had time alone with Isabela in the clinic and no one would have found out about it. Granted, she likely looked awful at the time. But he'd stayed far away from her no matter how much she'd played up her distress.

\---

After washing up everything that needed it, he made his way to the living room and saw him sitting there. He went straight to him and sat down beside him, leaning into him and taking his hand. “All done,” he announced, cuddling close to him.

—

“Then we have the rest of the night to ourselves.” He squeezed his hand and leaned into him in return. “I'm glad you can come with me tomorrow. We don't work together often anymore.” Largely due to the fact that Hawke liked to keep an eye on Merrill and was no longer helping mages.

\---

“You don’t invite me as much,” he pointed out, not minding, though it was the truth. “It’ll be fun. I like going out with you.”

—

“I like going with you too. It'll be nice to go ruin some thief’s day with you. And Fenris won't be there.” He spent a lot of time with the elf these days, primarily hunting blood mages, but he had no patience to listen to the two of them bicker so he'd invited Aveline.

\---

“All the better.” He hated that elf, more than ever now that he was always running around with his boyfriend and hunting down mages. “I missed just sitting like this with you too.” It was comfortable and they’d been lacking in this kind of physical affection.

\---

He hadn’t wanted to lately. He’d needed space lately, even when he was home with Anders. Other than letting his lover soothe or pamper him, he hadn’t been interested in being very close to him aside from his occasional desire for sex. His drive for intimacy had gone down considerably since his mother’s death and most nights he’d prefer Anders’ warm hand resting on his back to ease him into sleep than any actual pleasure. “It feels nice, doesn’t it?” Perhaps it was because he was so happy with him for handling Isabela the way he had, but even that sort of intimacy sounded good to him, even though he’d had him a couple nights before.

\---

“It does. I just want to stay like this all night.” He pressed even more weight into him and lowered his head to rest on his shoulder. “I love you.” He felt so content and he didn’t want anything else. Just this.

\---

“I love you too.” He kissed the top of his head, deciding it felt good to give him that sort of affection again. “I’m so glad you didn’t let Isabela try to get her hands on you. I shows me how much you care about me that you went out of your way to get Varric first.” He had said it before, but he wanted to cement this in Anders’ mind. That doing as he said had its rewards, just as defying him had lead to a few unpleasant altercations between them lately.

\---

He thought it was ridiculous that Hawke thought Isabela would have tried to do anything with him, especially with the condition she’d been in, but he wasn’t going to argue with him. He was just happy to have this. He didn’t know what to say, so he just tightened his grip on him.

\---

He was content to sit that way for awhile, holding him in silence and relaxing in the warmth of the fireplace. But eventually he craved more and he used a hand to urge Anders’ head up from his shoulder, pressing his lips to his in a hungry kiss once he’d gotten him far enough. This too was unusual for him lately. Sex had become a need he expected Anders to tend to for him, but it had been a long time since he’d _wanted_ him this way.

\---

He melted into the kiss, turning toward him and and sliding his arms around him. He wanted him just as much and he didn’t hesitate to show him it. Feeling this from him woke his own need and so it didn’t take much to have him trying to crawl into his lap.

\---

He welcomed him into his lap, giving his ass a hard squeeze once he got into place. His tongue explored his mouth with renewed enthusiasm and he closed his eyes, savoring it while his mood was lifted and everything felt so good. He began to rock his hips into him, ready to indulge in him for as long as they could before they would have to sleep and prepare for their mission the next morning.


	33. Chapter 33

After many nights out hunting blood mages, Hawke was getting a reputation in the Gallows. His visits with Bethany had made him easy to recognize to the templars and the more mages he chased down, the more he began to understand the templars. Anders was a rarity, a good man who used his powers for the sake of others. But the average mage was selfish, just as any average man was selfish. Even just a little nudge could have them setting people ablaze - even the ones that didn’t immediately jump to calling on demons for help caused all sorts of damage the moment they felt cornered. These people were dangerous. The templars protected the public from them and even protected the mages from themselves. Even Bethany told him that she supported the work of the Circle and that added to his conviction. The blood mages were to be put down, but the mages who withstood the demons belonged in the hands of the templars. Except, of course, for his Anders. Anders was the only mage he trusted.

He was out with Fenris and Aveline on a night much like any other they spent together, hunting the alleyways for rats. The rats they were after tonight was a family unit - a human man, woman, and young boy. The boy had been caught using magic and when the templars had approached, they’d found that his mother was a mage as well as she’d used her magic to help them both escape. The templars had no doubt that they would be either deep in hiding or trying to flee the city and Hawke meant to ensure they did neither. The mother and son would go to the Circle where they belonged - the father as well if it turned out the man was also a mage.

On a very different sort of mission involving the same family, Varric peeked around a corner before waving the group forward. He knew plenty of ways in and out of the city, as well as plenty of backroads for them to take to stay out of sight while they got there. It was especially important to stay hidden as they weren’t exactly silent - the young boy, who felt this was all his fault, was weeping and struggled to stifle his sniffles no matter how much his mother tried to soothe him as they walked. “Hang in there, big guy. We’ll have you out in friendlier skies in no time.” He whispered and threw the kid a wink, relieved when the child nodded and quickened his steps a little. Varric looked up to Anders, giving the mage a similar wink. They’d smuggled plenty of folks out of the city without a hitch and they’d always handled it on the occasions where there were hitches. But he was feeling lucky tonight and expected this one to be all smooth sailing.

\---

Anders gave Varric a little smile, appreciating the way he was with the people they were helping. The wink warmed him and he gave him a nudge, before continuing along. He lagged behind, letting Varric lead the way and watching their back. He was ready for anything to happen, but he also wasn’t expecting anything to. This was going as good as to be expected and it wasn’t often they ran into trouble.

\---

Aveline had settled into the lead as they wound their way through the alleys and so she was the first to spot the group up ahead. “Stop where you are!” She called and Hawke readied his blades behind her. Fenris phased through them both, rushing ahead to block off the other end of the alley.

Varric had thought he recognized the voice calling to them in the darkness, but he knew that flash of blue light from anywhere. When Fenris appeared in front of him, he had Bianca readied but didn’t aim at the elf. “Easy, Broody. It’s just us.” He said, though his voice was tight. If Aveline and Fenris were here, he knew that a certain somebody who didn’t know what he and Anders were up to was near as well.

\---

It all happened so fast and when everything registered his heart lifted into his throat. “Fenris,” he breathed, his voice tight. He began to shake his head, looking behind them. “Varric, I can’t…” He was near panic and he looked like he was about to flee any moment, as if he could get away quickly enough to avoid the repercussions of this.

At the same time, he was in disbelief that they were near. Why were they near? They were supposed to be out hunting blood mages, so why were they coming after them? It didn’t hit him and he didn’t understand.

\---

Varric shared his look of dread and glanced around, as if hoping for some corner he could hide Anders in. “I’ll take the blame for this. Just…” Just what? Even if he could hide Anders in time, the others had seen him. He couldn’t think quickly enough and it became even harder to come up with a plan when the little boy began to wail, his mother taking him into her arms protectively. The father raised his hands defensively and flames began to lick their way up his fingertips as he looked between the elf in front of them and the woman quickly approaching.

Fenris was stunned to see his comrades with the mages they’d been hunting and though the man’s magic made him tighten his hold on his sword, he signaled to Aveline with a glowing hand to hold off. Though his fellow warrior slowed, Hawke was quick to pass her, needing to know what was going on. As soon as he was close enough to see Anders and Varric trapped in the alley along with the family of mages, his stomach sank and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He’d been lied to. This was happening again and his boyfriend was actively trying to smuggle these mages out of the city.

\---

As soon as he caught sight of Hawke, his teeth grit and he forced himself to stand his ground. It was all he could do knowing that he was caught. His heart was going wild, but he wanted to know what they were doing here as much as his boyfriend probably wanted to know the same thing. “I think you’re after the wrong mages,” he started, by way of greeting, “There are no blood mages here.”

\---

“Go home, Anders.” Hawke snapped, his voice low and dangerous. They were going to have a long talk about this, but only after the mages were sent away. “You three can come quietly or we can take you in the hard way. Decide quickly.” He said to the family as he nodded for Aveline to take hold of the man keeping himself between the newcomers and his wife and son.

“Hold on. You heard him, Hawke. These aren’t blood mages.” Varric said uneasily, not willing to point Bianca at their leader, but standing defensively in front of the mages.

“That’s why they’re still alive.” Fenris growled, though he looked as uneasy as everyone else about the situation they found themselves in. “And they won’t be harmed if they comply.”

\---

Anders couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Lay a finger on them I will burn your fucking face off,” he snapped at the elf, taking out his disbelief and the growing anger that was accompanying it on him. He turned his eyes back on his boyfriend, gawking at him. “What is this? You’re going after any mage now? _Any_ mage? You’re, what, working for the templars now? What the fuck, Hawke?”

He’d moved to put himself between Fenris and the family, since Varric was somewhat situating himself between them and Hawke.

\---

“And you’ve been sneaking around behind my back! _Again_!” Hawke snarled and moved in closer, trying to focus on the task at hands but unable to take his livid eyes off of Anders. “Stay out of my way and go home where you are _supposed_ to be tonight.” He glared at Aveline when he saw her hesitating and when a fireball was thrown her way in the distraction of all of this, she rushed forward with her sword, the danger getting rid of the last of her doubts.

Varric flinched when he saw the fireball go over his head, not doubting it was from the terrified man behind him and he rushed forward to meet Aveline, using an elbow rather than Bianca to intercept her charge and send her stumbling back out of surprise as much as anything. “They’re innocent! This boy got scared and used his magic where another kid saw it and it was reported. They’ve never hurt anyone!”

He’d barely finished his declaration when Hawke was on him, grabbing him roughly by the collar of his jacket. “And the next time one of them gets scared, an innocent will be set on fire, just like that man tried to do to Aveline just now. I _trusted_ you to keep Anders out of trouble, Varric. Now get the fuck out of my way.”

\---

He wasn’t going to do that. He wasn’t going to abandon these people. “You’ll have to take me if you’re taking them.” If he was going after all mages, there should be no exceptions. He knew he wouldn’t, even as stunned and sicked and he was by this. He turned to look at the family. “Go,” he told them, voice urgent, wanting them to flee and pointing them in Fenris’ direction. They would find less resistance that way and he moved his finger to point at the glowing warrior. “You stay back.”

\---

The family tried to do as they were told, moving closer to Fenris. The elf moved as if he meant to let the pass, but he caught the woman on her way by, gripping her as she screamed and clutched her boy tighter. “On your knees and wait until we’re ready to take you in, then no one gets hurt.” She was quick to do as he said and his eyes returned to Anders. “You too. You said we have to take you in as well.”

“He’s not going anywhere, Fenris!” Hawke snapped and kept his grip on Varric as Aveline watched over the man who was also slowly going to his knees. “Anders, go home. Now.”

\---

He didn’t hesitate. Even hearing Hawke, he didn’t hesitate, electricity crackling in his palms and then snapping out to strike the warrior. He didn’t hold back, either, he attacked him with the intent to harm. He was living up to his promise, in some form, and after the loud strike, he was yelling at the family.

“Run! Go! Get out of here!”

\---

Fenris howled and recoiled, giving the family the chance they needed to scramble back to their feet and start running. Aveline rushed to pursue them but Fenris only had eyes for Anders now. He charged the mage but Hawke was faster, shoving Varric back into the wall and getting between them before Fenris could reach him. There was a brief, strange tug when he felt an ethereal hand reach into his torso, but when Fenris realized he’d been blocked, he was quick to withdraw his hand and fall back with a hiss of disgust.

“Get out of here! All of you go!” Hawke shouted, trusting Aveline to deal with the mages. Varric was already starting to slink down the alley, ready to pursue Aveline, but not before he made sure that he wasn’t leaving Anders in any danger.

\---

Everything felt like a blur, but all that mattered to him was that they were still pursuing the mages. As such, with all of them in front of him and no one behind, he started to hurry in the opposite direction, not caring about anything else. He would go around the long way and make sure that he found them before anyone else. These people were not going to end up in the Circle.

\---

Fenris was eager to leave, furious that he would not have an opportunity to retaliate on Anders, not if Hawke stayed in his way. But Varric saw Anders rushing off and so he went the other way, deciding he'd race him to the family Aveline was chasing and between the two of them, they'd make sure that the job got done. Hawke was after his lover in an instant, unable to believe that after all of this Anders was running after those mages. “Anders, stop! We need to talk about this!” He was in no mood to discuss this, but watching Anders flee only infuriated him more.

\---

“We can talk about this after I make sure that family is safe.” He hadn’t stopped, rushing out of the alley and onto the street, trying to figure out which direction they would’ve gone without pausing. Hopefully out of the city - it would be all for nothing if they fled back deeper into it. As such, he was making his way towards the entrance, listening carefully for any hint of where they might be.

\---

Aveline had caught up to them cornered them once more, but Varric was on them in no time since he hadn't needed to double back in the alley as Anders had. He threw a flask down and rushed for the mages, tugging them along in the darkness so he could get them out of town before their comrades could catch up.

Aveline was familiar with this trick of Varric's, though it normally wasn't directed at her, and tried to push forward into the fog after them. She was slowed and coughing, still trying to feel her way along the wall of the alley when Anders and Hawke showed up. Hawke scowled at the fog-filled alleyway then looked to Anders. “It looks like a dwarf we know took off with them. Are you satisfied?”

\---

He stopped at the mouth of the alley and when he looked at Hawke, he shook his head. “No, I’m far from satisfied.” He was angry and it showed and it was finally directed at him. “What is wrong with you? You’ve gone too far.” He’d turned a blind eye to what he was doing when he’d taken to hunting blood mages, but this was so far beyond that.

\---

“I haven't gone far enough! And you, Anders, are a liar. You promised me you wouldn't be out doing this again behind my back, but you never really stopped did you." He turned on him then, giving him a shove. “I gave you chances to be honest! I asked if you were keeping anything from me and when you said no, I _trusted_ you!”

\---

“This is your fault! You gave up on the only thing I care about and gave me no choice! What was I supposed to do? Sit around and forget the things that matter to me? You didn’t just give up on it... You’re one of them. You’re one of them and you’re with _me_. If you’re going to be hunting down any mage, why am I some exception? I’m just like them, Hawke!”

“I thought you understood how important this is! Maker, I can’t even look at you - keep your hands off of me.” He’d braced himself against the shove, but now he was moving away from him.

\---

“You're not like them! If you were, I'd have turned you in myself.” He wasn't about to let him go, taking him roughly by the arm and pulling him to a halt. “I'm protecting you. I'm protecting everyone! You were supposed to stop because you promised me that you would and I was stupid enough to believe you!”

\---

He jerked back from him, not wanting to be touched by him. “You don’t have worry about protecting me or worry about my promises anymore. I’m done.” He couldn’t believe it had come to this, but he couldn’t continue like this. It hurt so much and he felt so sick with betrayal, he truly couldn’t bring himself to look at him.

\---

“You're done? _Done?_ You think you can just leave me after all we've been through?” He wasn't about to let him go, this time grabbing him and pinning him to the nearest wall. “I love you. Does that mean nothing to you? Does it mean as little as your lies and broken promises to you?”

\---

He struggled. “Get off of me, Hawke!” He didn’t want to be manhandled by him. “You think I don’t love you? You think this doesn’t hurt me? It hurts so much that you would do this. That you don’t care about what I feel. What I feel doesn’t matter to you - I don’t know that it ever has!” He tried to push back, wanting to slip away from him so he could run. “We can’t make this work.”

\---

The words struck him and he lashed out, punching the mage squarely in the jaw. “We _will_ make this work. I can't live without you. I'm doing what's best for you. What's best for Kirkwall. What _Bethany_ says is best for Kirkwall because you know nothing about the Circle here!”

\---

He cried out and then his effort doubled. He shoved him hard, using all of his strength to force him back. “You’re the one that doesn’t know anything.” His eyes had filled with tears and his chest was aching as he started to flee from him. He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he had to get away from him.

\---

“You can't just leave!” Hawke gave chase, not noticing at all that Aveline was back on the hunt for the mages. At this point he'd forgotten all about them. “If you leave…!” His mind was racing and he couldn't think of a suitable threat so he blurted what came to mind. “If you leave I'll kill myself. You'll have to live with it for the rest of your life.”

\---

He couldn’t help but scoff, not at all believing it. He wouldn’t kill himself and he wouldn’t be manipulated by that kind of threat. “Just stay away from me!” He didn’t want to leave him, but it’d become clear that he had no choice. If he stayed, he was supporting a man that had turned into what he himself feared.

\---

“I love you! I want you to remember that!” He called after him as he finally slowed to let him go. Anders would cool off and come home. Or at least come to collect his things. And when he did, he would make sure that he was _very_ sorry for it.


	34. Chapter 34

The clinic didn’t feel safe and neither did the Hanged Man, but with few options, he decided that he needed to find Varric. He tried to pull himself together when he stepped into the bar, but he likely looked a mess as he made his way up the stairs to his room. He didn’t know if he was there, but he knocked on the door.

After a few beats with no answer, he knocked again, harder, sobs building in his throat. He let them out weakly, pressing his weight into the wood, barely keeping himself from sinking down in front of it.

\---

Isabela heard the knocking and then the sobs, despite the company she was entertaining in her room. She dismissed herself, thankfully still fully dressed though her skin was flush with heat. When she saw the mage outside Varric's door and the state he was in, her heart sank. She was probably the very last person he wanted to see, but she was the only person that could help.

“...Hey, Handsome. Let me get that door open for you so you can wait inside for him.” She murmured, her fingers searching out the picks she kept hidden in her hair. She could see Lucy already trying to welcome her guest, one striped paw reaching under the door and trying to swipe at Anders’ boots.

\---

He tensed at the sound of her voice. He would’ve tensed to hear anyone, but that it was her in particular really made the reaction stronger than it would’ve been otherwise. He backed away from her, but recognizing what she was doing, he nodded and waited for her to let him in. He would feel better when he was somewhere where he could lock himself away from Hawke.

\---

Isabela knew Varric's lock well and it took her less than five seconds to pop his door open. “He’ll be back soon.” She had no idea where he was, but she offered him the assurance just the same before heading back toward her own room. Lucy meowed and moved forward to rub against Anders’ leg. She was now adorned with a collar of gold engraved with her name and Varric's, studded with blue-green gems that complemented her eyes. She was pleased to see Anders, but she was looking around, clearly curious where her master was.

\---

He moved into the room and shut and locked the door behind him. He’d forgotten about the strike to his face and it was beginning to bruise, the mark wet with his tears. He looked down at the cat giving him affection and his tears hardened as he bent down, scooped her up, and carried her over to the dwarf’s bed, sitting down on the edge and crying his heart out into her fur.

\---

The cat wasn't sure what was going on with him, but she let him hold her, purring and nuzzling her head against him as he wept against her. It didn't take much longer for the rogue to get home, having detoured only briefly to look for Hawke and Anders on his way back. When he unlocked his door and pushed it open, he startled briefly to find someone on his bed, but he quickly closed and locked the door behind him and moved to Anders. “Hey, what happened?! Did he hurt you?”

\---

He jumped when the door opened, the cat falling out of his arms, but when he saw who it was, he calmed. He’d expected the worst. He tried to stop the tears, but it was a struggle and eventually he gave up. “I broke up with him. I broke up with my boyfriend.” He was a wreck and it wasn’t just that, but he couldn’t believe that he’d actually broken up with him.

\---

“Blondie…” He was never much good at these sorts of things, but he moved to sit on the bed behind him, using a hand to stroke his back. “Whatever comes out of what happened tonight, I'm here for you. Okay? Why don't you have a drink to take the edge off and sleep here tonight?”

\---

He buried his face into his hands, not having words to express how wretched he felt. “How could he?” How could he change like that? He knew that he was still in pain and that what had happened to his mother was still a driving force for him, but he’d sunk to a place he’d never thought he would go.

\---

“I...don't know. But I'm sorry it happened.” He patted his back and though the mage hid his face now, he'd seen the bruising. “Heal yourself up, Blondie. You don't need to be sporting any bruise from the likes from the likes of him.”

\---

He pulled away from him, not particularly wanting to be touched right now. He lowered one of his hands to where his face was aching and used a simple spell to heal the mark. He continued to cry, not knowing what he was going to do or how he was going to move forward. He’d left the love of his life and he knew that he wasn’t going to stop what he was doing - if anything, it was going to be worse, wasn’t it?

\---

He lowered his hands to his lap, though he quickly found his lap filled by Lucy and stroked her. “We still got that family out safely tonight. And we'll keep helping them, faster than Hawke can hunt them.” There wasn't much he could say about the ruined relationship, but they’d supported Anders’ larger goal tonight if nothing else.

\---

It was a comfort, but it didn’t really help. Not in the grand scheme of things. “It’s that elf. It’s his fault - I should of…” He should’ve aimed that lightning bolt at a more deadly location. He could’ve stopped his heart if he wanted and he hadn’t missed the way he’d gone for his own. That elf had convinced him to turn his anger from blood mages to all mages, he didn’t doubt it for a moment.

\---

“It's _him_ , Blondie. He's...not an altruistic person like you. Hawke has never done anything for anyone if it didn't benefit him. I never liked the way I heard him talk to you either when you both lived here, but it was never my place to say so.” He plucked Lucy from his lap and plopped her onto Anders’ instead.

\---

“No. No, it’s because of what that blood mage did. He made him like this and that elf encouraged him. Fenris wants to be hunting mages. He wanted to take me, you heard him. He’d turn me in in a heartbeat if Hawke would let him, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to me, so why is he doing it to all of them?” he despaired in a thick voice, his hands coming to rest on the cat’s back.

\---

“I know that blood mage kicked all of this off. But I think once he got a taste for hunting the blood mages, he decided it would serve his agenda to hunt them all. I have no doubt that the templars are rewarding him handsomely for it and they’re probably encouraging him just as much as Fenris. He’s...I don’t want to speak too harshly just because I’m angry about all of this, but he’s a selfish person. He didn’t care how you felt when he’d kick you out of your own place, he won’t care that Fenris wants to take you to the templars and he doesn’t care that this new pursuit of his is a complete betrayal to you. You can do so much better than him, Blondie.” He’d admired Hawke for his assertiveness and his ability to get things done. He still did, really. But that didn’t mean he felt that Hawke was a good fit for a gentle man like Anders.

\---

He shook his head. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do any better than a man like him. He was a good man, he just… he just wasn’t thinking. He’d gone through a lot and he wasn’t thinking. “I have to talk to him.” He’d fled from him and he didn’t think talking to him would change anything, but he felt like he had to try to get through to him.

If he didn’t try, this wouldn’t stop.

He rose to his feet, suddenly, starting for the door.

—

“Are you sure that’s a good idea tonight?” He asked, jumping to his feet as well and catching up to him. “You can do whatever you want but...he’s already hit you tonight. I don’t think it’s safe for you to go over there while he’s still this worked up.” He wouldn’t stop him if he insisted, but it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.

\---

“He won’t hurt me.” Not really. All he’d ever done was strike him a couple of times and all things considered, the damage had never been all that serious. He didn’t want to be struck, but if he didn’t address this, he wasn’t sure he ever would. “I’ll be back, Varric.”

—

“...Okay. You be careful, Blondie. You can come back as late as you want, I”ll leave the door unlocked for you.” He never left it unlocked, but he wanted the mage to have somewhere safe to sleep. He didn’t like the idea of Anders going over there, but he wasn’t about to tell him what to do. Hawke did plenty of that already.

\---

He nodded, somewhat absently, and left the room. It felt like a long walk to the mansion and when he made it there, he stopped. For a moment, he wasn’t sure he wanted to enter, he didn’t even know if he was here, but he had to try. If he didn’t try, then he was partly responsible for every mage he harmed.

He tried the door and finding it locked, procured the key, opening it and stepping inside.

—

Pickles went bounding to the door when he heard it open, his ears and tail low. He whined and looked between the stairs and Anders. Something was very wrong and he’d been locked out and unable to stop whatever it was.

Hawke had been unsure if Anders would return that night or not, but he was getting a little panicky in hoping that he would. He didn’t want to die, not really, he just wanted to make it look convincing enough that Anders would never talk of leaving him again. That his lover would forever hate himself for even saying it in the first place.

He’d locked himself in the bathroom, filling the tub and climbing into it fully dressed. He’d taken a dagger into the tub with him, lacing the blade with a poison that would help keep him calm that also had a bit of a clotting agent. It was for incapacitating without killing his enemies and he hoped it would be just enough to keep him from bleeding out, but bring him close enough to the brink to make Anders miserable if he found him this way. He’d carved deeply into both of his wrists, using the blood from one cut to write _I loved you_ on the wall beside him. He sank down into the water and despite the work of the poison, his heart was pounding as the blood stained everything around him and his vision started to go dark. Perhaps he had gone too deep. He didn’t want to die, but he couldn’t help but think of just how much he’d be getting back at Anders if he had indeed taken this too far.

\---

Anders looked at the dog, frowning as he took in his reaction to him showing up. “What is it, Pickles?” After a beat, his frown deepened. “...Did he hurt you?”  

He shook the thought away, not wanting to entertain it. He wouldn’t do that. His eyes went to the stairs and made his way up them, moving slowly.

“Garrett?” he called, still unsure of if he was even here.

—

Pickles moved up the stairs with him, whimpering in hopes of urging him faster. He went straight to the door of the bathroom, scratching at it where there were already gouges in the door from his claws. He was never destructive like that, he knew better. But that room smelled of his master and a massive amount of blood.

\---

He didn’t know what to make of what he was seeing, but he moved to the door and opened it, pushing it in slowly. As soon as he caught sight of the scene, his heart stopped and stilled for a beat.

Then he rushed forward, yelling as name as he grabbed him and jerked him up in the water. “Garrett, what did you do?!”

—

He’d come after all. His eyes were glazed and distant, giving him the appearance at first glance that he may already be gone, but after a beat, they rolled toward Anders. He parted his lips, which had gone pale and were now turning blue from blood loss and the chill of the water. He was glad that the poison had him so lax or he just might have smiled to see Anders this way and know just how much he must regret saying they were done.

\---

He grabbed at his arms, pulling them in and healing the damage frantically. With that done, he yanked him out of the water, dragging him to the ground. “Garrett, why? Why?!”

—

“I told you exactly why.” His voice was no more than a whisper. It was a relief to have his wounds mended, but he still felt terrible after so much blood loss. What was more important was that he would _look_ terrible to Anders. When he was settled on the floor, he watched the mage for a long moment, then let his eyes flutter closed. His vision wasn’t darkening as rapidly as it had been before his wrists were mended, but he still wanted to make sure the healer was good and frightened.

\---

“What has gotten _into_ you?” As soon as his eyes shut, the mage pulled him up higher, clutching him in his lap. “Maker, Garrett.” He began to weep again, all of this overwhelming him.

—

He was motionless that way for awhile, listening to him weep. He kept his eyes closed, but eventually he moved an arm to weakly drape around Anders in return. “I didn’t think you’d come back. I didn’t think I would see you again.” He whispered to him.

\---

“That isn’t a reason to kill yourself,” he cried, holding onto him tightly. He knew he had to further take care of him, but he was barely keeping it together.

—

“I can’t live without you.” He was reveling in this attention from him and he took some time to enjoy it before speaking again. Speaking really was exhausting at the moment anyway and he had to build his strength up for it. “I told you I’d do it if you left me. I need you.”

\---

He shook his head, having nothing else to say. He just sobbed for a time, before beginning to try to pull off his wet clothing. When he couldn’t, he grabbed his herb knife and tore it off of him, not caring about the fabric. He undressed him and then began to dry him off with a towel, warming it as he worked.

\---

In the silence, he let the desire to sleep take him, drifting in and out of consciousness as Anders dried and warmed him. It was comfortable after how cold he’d gotten in the tub and one of the times he came back into waking after being out for a few minutes, he looked to Anders, his lips quirking up a little. “I’m glad you came home.”

\---

By that point, his tears had slowed and though they still darted down his cheek occasionally, he’d calmed some. “This doesn’t change anything,” he murmured, his voice aching. “It can’t, not unless something changes.” He looked down at him, his eyes flicking between the rogue’s.

\---

“Then you should have left me as I was. I need you.” There would be some changes, he’d make sure of it. As soon as he got his strength back from this endeavor.

\---

“You need me so badly that you would kill yourself, but you won’t stop what you’re doing?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but that was nothing new. He couldn’t believe any of this. “It’s wrong. I know you know it’s wrong, I don’t know why-” He choked on his words and he had to lift a hand to his face to cover it.

\---

“Let’s go to bed. You came home and we should spend the night together.” He’d have a little time to recover then and he could more properly deal with Anders in the morning. He’d had plans to silence some of the mages he’d been hunting, but if Anders was going to make a problem out of being a mage, he might have the solution in a necklace that would take care of that.

\---

“You’re not- You’re not listening to me. Why won’t you listen to me?” He was back to sobbing, even though his eyes were aching and there weren’t really any more tears for him to shed.

\---

“Because you’re wrong. I love you and I need you, but you’re wrong. That’s why I won’t listen to you.” His eyes were closing again, but he forced them open. He didn’t want to be pulled under again. Not until he knew for certain that Anders would stay home where he belonged.

\---

He was quiet for a time, the sound of his grief filling the room. He’d never cried like this in front of him. He’d never cried at all. “Then that’s it. You’re not the man I thought you were.” He would find someone to stay with him, to make sure he didn’t harm himself, and that was it. They were done.

\---

“That’s not it. Stay with me tonight. I need you here. I know you love me too or you wouldn’t have come back.” He had no strength in his arms, but he tried to push himself up anyway. He couldn’t just let him go.

\---

“I’ll stay tonight, but tomorrow we’re finding someone to stay with you.” It wasn’t safe to leave him alone, so he would make sure that he wasn’t. For tonight, he had to help him recover, so he slid his arms around him and began to pull him up. “We’ll get you in bed and I’ll get some water for you.”

\---

He wouldn’t outright argue with that. As long as he stayed tonight, it would be all the time he needed. He draped his arms around him in return, helping as much as he could to get himself upright. “I don’t need anyone else to stay with me. Just you.”

\---

“You don’t need me.” He was trying to put on a show of neutrality, but was failing. He could see how much he was loved and he loved him just as much - he just couldn’t live like this. He was miserable and it showed. He helped him into the bedroom and eased him down to the bed, tucking him into the blanket.

He’d nearly killed himself and he would be weak for some time, so he would take care of him in every way that he could while he was here.

\---

He had always enjoyed the gentle care he’d gotten from Anders when he needed it and now was no exception. He sighed softly as he was tucked in, so much more comfortable than he’d been on the bathroom floor. “If I can’t keep my eyes open, will you wake me when you bring the water? I need to drink something…” Of course he was extremely dehydrated. He’d lost a great deal of blood.

\---

He nodded and moved away from him, going to fetch the water as promised. He ended up drinking quite a bit himself, before bringing him a glass and a jug to refill it. He moved to the edge of the bed and helped him sit up enough to drink it, giving him the glass to hold.

\---

He needed the support, struggling to keep himself steady when he was sitting up, and drained the water quickly. He was panting for breath when he handed the glass back over to be refilled. “Will you stay in here with me tonight?”

\---

“I’ll sit in the chair.” He wasn’t going to lay with him, knowing that would just complicate things. He took the glass and refilled it, holding it back to say, “Don’t drink too much, you’ll upset your stomach,” and then offered it to him.

\---

“You can’t sleep in the chair. Just stay in the bed with me. I can wake you if something is wrong.” He took the glass back and seemed to be willing to listen to Anders on this much at least. He took slower, smaller drinks of the water, then handed it back when he still had a little bit left in the glass.

\---

“I’m not going to sleep.” He’d stay up until morning and then he’d take him on a walk to find someone. Not that stupid elf. Aveline, most likely. He’d drop him off with her and then wash his hands of all of this. If only it was that easy. The idea of ending it like that was making his expression twist and he had to look away from him.

\---

“You should sleep. It’s been a long night.” He reached to turn his face toward him. “We can talk in the morning. After both of us have gotten some rest.”

\---

His eyes were red and swollen, but he met his gaze. It seemed as if he was going to deny him, but after a while, he nodded. He could lay with him - the bed was big enough that he could still have the space he needed from him and… it was going to be the last time. He had no hope that whatever they might talk about in the morning would change anything, but he did have to try. Even if it didn’t save their relationship, he’d come back tonight for a reason and he was glad for it, considering what he'd found.

He pulled away from him and walked around to the opposite side of the bed. He pulled off his boots and his belt, but left the rest of his clothing on as he laid down.

\---

He seemed content with that and he settled back onto his pillow. “I love you, Anders.” He loved him and it was good to have him home. Now he only had to ensure that he wouldn’t be leaving. He watched him settle into the bed, his eyes heavy but fixated on him.

\---

He kept space between them, so they weren’t touching, but he did meet his gaze. His own was unbearably sad. “I love you too, Garrett.” It wasn’t enough to hold their relationship together, but he did love him. Even after this betrayal.

\---

He closed his eyes, finding them too heavy to keep open any longer. He was chilled from his bloodloss and though he was thoroughly tucked into the blankets, he was starting to shiver. As long as Anders was near, he knew he would keep him warm. He would do what he had to in the morning to make him stay, he’d need time to recover and figure out just how to deal with this.

\---

He could see that he was cold, which wasn’t a surprise after what he’d done to himself. He began to warm the bed beneath them. It would reach him eventually and it would keep him warm through the night - he still wasn’t planning on sleeping.

—

Hawke was asleep before the heat reached him, but it managed to stop the shivering and chatter of his teeth eventually. He slept soundly through the night, his body needing the rest, but it was early in the morning that he began to rouse. He had nightmares of the night before, about sinking into the tub of his blood, unable to stop the gushes from his wrists in time. He began to writhe and gasp in his sleep, struggling against the blanket covering him.

\---

Despite his intentions, he did end up falling asleep. So when he began to thrash, Anders startled awake, pushing himself up and looking at him. “Garrett?” He scooted closer to him and set a hand on his arm, attempting to wake  him.

—

He gasped at the touch and his eyes opened, his hands grasping weakly at Anders. Even as he reached for him, he was looking down at his wrists, his breaths coming in panicked gasps. The wounds were closed. Anders had come home in time and he had saved him.

\---

Anders tightened his grip on him. “It’s alright, Garrett. You’re okay.” He spoke soothingly to him, getting an idea of what had him so worked up. “You’re going to feel bad today, but you’re okay.” He let go of him to reach for the water and pour him a glass. “Have a drink.” He slipped his free arm beneath him to help him up.

\---

Hawke clung to him, as well as he could, and sat up with his help. He reached for the glass of water, needing it desperately, but his hands were shaky and he felt so weak that when he took it, he sloshed a bit of water on himself and barely got the glass to his lips without dropping it. He didn’t doubt that he was going to feel awful for the day. But if it was a step toward keeping Anders here, he was fine with that.

\---

He helped steady his hand and waited until he’d had about half to pull it away from him. “You can have some more in a little bit.’ He didn’t want him drinking too much too quickly. He slipped away from him and rose to his feet, going to pull out a fresh set of clothing for him. He set it on the foot of the bed and then folded his arms, looking at him. “How are you feeling?”

\---

He watched him set the clothes down, his eyes solemn as the raised to meet Anders’. “Awful. In so many ways.” He raised his hands to his face, rubbing at his temples with shaky fingers. “I let things get so out of hand. Hunting mages. Even hunting blood mages. As if it could bring my mother back.”

\---

He wasn’t sure that he heard him right and he paused, studying him. “You mean that?” He sounded skeptical, knowing him and knowing what he was like. The fold of his arms tightened as if to protect himself from the answer, knowing it deep down.

\---

“Look at me! Look at all of this!” He knew he must look like a mess, which should only help make this look more convincing. “I’ve lost her. I wanted to avenge her, to do something to make it better, but it’s made everything worse. And now you’ve left me and I tried to kill myself last night. Losing my mother was bad enough, but the mess trying to avenge her has made out of my life made me wish I was dead.”

\---

He shifted his weight a few times, then approached him slowly, sitting down on the bed beside him. “Last night you told me I was wrong.” He reached to brush his bangs from his face, his voice softer.

\---

“Last night I was still coming to terms with that fact that I wasn’t going to die. That you came back home and pulled me from the brink.” He leaned into the light touch, instinctively. “Now...now I have to figure out if I can pick up the pieces of my life and start over.”

\---

“I never want you to do that again,” he told him, his voice still soft, but also strained. “I never want you to hurt yourself. You’re too important to too many people and even if you weren’t… You deserve more than that.” He deserved to live a full life filled with happiness, even if he continued to do what he was doing. He was misguided, but he was a good man. Even if that wasn’t the man he thought he was.

\---

“I don’t think I want to do it again. It might not be too late.” He lowered his eyes. “I don’t want to go after the mages anymore. If I can recover from this and focus my other missions, maybe there might be some reason to go on.”

\---

The weight that had been crushing him seemed to ease and his heart picked up as it was given space to do so. “...I knew it. I knew you’d see.” He hadn’t, really, but he was so relieved. “Oh, Garrett…” He couldn’t help himself, he threw his arms around him and hugged him tight. “I knew it.” His voice was thickening and he began to weep, so relieved to hear him say that.

\---

“I don’t want to die.” He murmured as he embraced him in return. That much, at least, was true. “I don’t want to die and I don’t want to lose you. I’ve lost everything else, I don’t want to lose you.”

\---

“You won’t,” he murmured back, burying his face into his neck. “That’s all I needed to hear. I just needed you to understand.” His fingertips were digging to to his skin as he clung to him. “I don’t want to lose you either, I want to stay with you.”

\---

He clung to him tighter at that, though he had to go relax his grip pretty quickly with how little strength he had. “I’ll be alright if you’ll stay with me. I just need you here.” If he stayed, he could recover comfortably and make sure Anders wouldn’t threaten to leave again.

\---

“I’ll stay. I never wanted to go, I just couldn’t support what you were doing.” If he realized he was wrong, then they could fix it. They could help the people he’d locked up and make sure it never happened again. “I don’t want to leave you, I love you.” He was the rogue’s through and through and it would have taken a lot for him to recover from this if it had gone the way it seemed it was going to.

\---

“I love you too. I’m so glad you came home last night when you did. If you’d stayed out for the night, you or someone else would have found me…” Of course, if he failed to stop the bleeding in time, he would have wanted Anders to find him. He had left the message on the wall for him, after all.

\---

“Let’s not talk about that anymore.” It was too distressing for him. He hadn’t cleaned up in the bathroom and he knew he would have to, but the thought made him ill. He pulled back from him, having calmed enough that he could wipe at his eyes and when he was done with that, he reached for his glass and offered it to him. “Have some more water.”

\---

“I almost lost you in so many ways last night…” Of course Anders didn’t want to talk about it anymore. But he needed him to understand the threat of what would happen if he left him again. He took the water, still very shaky, and struggled to bring it to his lips to drink from it again.

\---

“We just have to work on these things, love.” He didn’t think things had to get this bad. They shouldn’t have ever had to get this bad, but he had issues. Issues that they hadn’t resolved. “We have to be able to talk and you _have_ to work on your anger.” He helped him steady the glass, like before, letting him have as much as he wanted.

\---

He finished the glass, having a much easier time of it once Anders helped him to hold it steady. “I know. I know I let things get really bad.” He had let his mage out of his sight far too often and because of that, he’d gone back to helping mages escape right under his nose.

\---

“We’ll fix it. We’ll make sure nothing like this happens again.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek and then took the glass from him, setting it aside so he could curl up next to him and cuddle.

\---

He settled into Anders, happy to be back in his arms where he belonged. He needed more rest and he’d rest so much easier with the knowledge that his lover wasn’t going anywhere. That he was staying and he’d keep him nice and comfortable while he recovered.


	35. Chapter 35

After a few days of constant nurturing from Anders, Hawke was feeling much more like himself. And much more resentful toward the man who had been caring for him. If Anders had been keeping his nose out of the Gallows as he’d promised, none of this would have ever gotten so bad. So bad that it had taken more than a suicide attempt to get his lover to stay with him. He’d told some lies of his own, but now that he was feeling up resuming his work on the mages, it was time he dealt with the defiance in Anders to make sure nothing like this happened again.

He woke early that morning and slipped out of Anders’ arms to dress, not feeling like he was at his full strength, but feeling good enough to accomplish what he needed to. He had some...supplies that the templars had helped him to get his hands on. He’d used them on some of his missions and he felt they’d serve nicely now.

He moved back to the bed where Anders slept and he gently swept his hair aside, gingerly working a chain that could pass for a simple but attractive silver necklace around his neck. He knew his love was a light sleeper, but he got it fastened quickly enough that it wouldn’t matter if doing this woke him. Anders would need a key to get it off now and he wouldn’t be finding one unless he could get one from the templars.

\---

Anders had roused a little when he’d gotten off the bed, but he’d rolled over and settled back down and it wasn’t until the was messing around his neck that he woke. Before awareness settled in, he felt the sickeningly familiar sensation of his magic being cut off. He jerked up, his hand going straight to his neck, recognizing it for what it was, his eyes flicking around the room, realizing where he was, but not understanding.

He saw his boyfriend there. “Garrett.” His fingers found the chain and he shook his head, letting go to try to create a flame in his palm, but there was nothing. “Garrett, what’s going on?!” He reached for the chain again, this time trying to pull it off.

\---

“It’s alright.” He told him as he used the opportunity while he tugged at the chain to wrap another chain around his wrists. There was no enchantment on this, just a means of binding his hands. He worked quickly, needing to get him bound while he was still in shock since he knew Anders was strong and his own strength had yet to return to him completely. “It’s alright, Anders. I love you.”

\---

As soon as he realized what was happening, he began to thrash. “What are you doing?! No!” He was scrambling to get away from him, a chill filling his heart. The color had drained from his face and he was completely ashen, his eyes wide with fear.

\---

He had to work to keep him from getting too far away from him, but he was relieved to be able to fasten the chain into place before Anders had a chance of fighting him off. He looked him over - it was a good idea to do this when Anders was asleep - he’d be at least a little more comfortable in his under robes. “You said something to me that night. That if I think all mages are a danger, you shouldn’t be an exception.” He tugged him to his feet from the bed. “Since that’s what you want, you won’t be an exception anymore.”

\---

He was horrified and at a loss of what to even think, but as soon as he was pulled up, he was struggling against him wildly. “Garrett, what are you talking about?! Stop! Stop! No!” He didn’t understand… he’d said… he’s said that he’d been wrong. “No, don’t take me there!” At this point, he was flipping out and yelling at the top of his lungs.

\---

He wasn’t surprised by how hard he was fighting, but it was frustrating nonetheless. He wasn’t sure he could keep a grip on him and so he began to use his hold on him to shove him forward, needing to keep him moving. Getting him down the stairs would be a fight, but he shoved the mage into the railing to keep him pinned as he dragged him down. Pickles was after them and whimpering in concern, but a swift kick from Hawke was enough to send the mabari slinking away. When he got to the base of the stairs, he started to veer him away from the front door and instead toward the kitchen. “I love you, Anders. You don’t really think I’d take you there, do you?”

\---

He was screaming and he barely heard what he had to say, beginning to sink down to the floor in an attempt to just stop them from moving. He was terrified and that overpowered all of the other emotions that were pulsing through him and making his heart pound.

\---

It was hard to keep pulling him along once he had to drag him, but fortunately they didn’t have much further to go. Near the kitchen was a large pantry that they had never needed to use with only the two of them living there. It would be perfect for his purposes. He pulled open the door to the pantry and looked inside - it was dark from the lack of windows, but fairly spacious. There was nothing inside but a little dried meat and some potatoes that hadn’t fit in the kitchen cupboards, water, and some empty barrels. The barrels would at least serve a purpose for his lovers calls of nature while he had this time alone to reflect on things. “I know you’re not ready to talk about everything yet. But I think after you’ve had some time, you’ll be a lot more willing to discuss this with me.”

\---

He saw where he was being dragged to and though it wasn’t what he’d thought, seeing the room he intended to throw him in, he was absolutely animalistic in his desperation. “No! No! Don’t do this! Why are you doing this?!” He was trying to summon his magic, but he just couldn’t access it, so all he had were limbs, thrashing in every direction.

\---

“You’re not ready to listen.” He dragged the wildly thrashing mage to the back of the pantry, shoving him down hard to give himself the time he would need to get back to the door and close him in. He locked it, his heart sinking a little. Anders would be miserable, but he’d be safe at least. It was the best way to convince him to cooperate. “I love you, Anders.”

\---

The sounds of his shrieks reached an inhumane level when he was shut inside the darkness. He didn’t hesitate to begin throwing himself against the door, smashing his shoulder into it over and over. His wrists were already aching from his struggle, but he didn’t even seem to feel it.

\-----

The first few days had been rather loud, but it had been a comfort to know that his mage was safely confined. Hawke continued to recover on his own, missing the constant fussing over him from Anders but knowing that this would be worth it. This would ensure his lover’s loyalty and obedience.

When Anders had been quiet for quite awhile on the fourth day of his confinement, he decided that perhaps he’d better give him some fresh food and water. Not that he would deliver it himself - Anders would be much happier to see him if he didn’t catch a glimpse of him for at least a couple weeks. But the mabari would be able to do the job just fine.

He loaded a basket with some chicken, fruits, and vegetables he’d cooked up, some bread, and a pitcher of water. There was plenty of water stored inside the pantry, but this water was at least a little chilled. He was quick and quiet about unlocking and opening the door just enough for Pickles to slip inside with the basket in his mouth, closing and locking the door so fast that Pickles barely got his stub of a tail through in time.

\---

After spending days in darkness, his condition had deteriorated drastically. The first day had been filled with screams and banging. The second day had seen only banging, until he’d managed to get enough of his voice back enough to begin screaming again. Today he’d been quiet, but as soon as the door cracked, he’d seen the light coming in and he’d began to beg hoarsely, climbing to his feet.

He saw the mabari come in, but the door closed and that took his concern. He yelled and started to bang on the door, his hands going to the handle and jostling it as he started to throw an already aching shoulder into it.

\---

Pickles scurried away from him, not wanting to be kicked for being in the way, and found a corner to sit in. He sat the basket down and watched Anders, his ears low. Everything had been wrong in his home for a long time, but the mage had at least been a fairly reliable constant for him. But now even Anders didn’t seem like himself anymore.

\---

He broke down into sobs, it not taking long for him to give up in his struggle this time. He felt as broken as the sounds he was making, sinking down to the floor and curling up against the door. He still didn’t understand why this was happening, but the only relief he had were in the moments were the exhaustion took over and he passed out.

\---

The dog watched him for a long time before very timidly padding over to him. He knew Anders didn’t like him much. But he’d also never seen the mage looking quite this distraught. He sniffed at Anders, as if there would be some scent on him that would explain why all of this was happening, then gave his hand a lick.

\---

He flinched when he felt the lick, lost as he’d been in his mind, and he pressed back into the door. “No,” he protested, frightened of him.

\---

Pickles flinched as well, as if expecting to be struck. He slunk away again to move back to his corner of the room. He used his nose to push the basket toward the middle of the room, then retreated to his corner once more. He laid down and curled up tightly, not liking this dark room much himself.

\---

It took him a while to piece together what was happening. Even with the smell of the food, it was masked by the foul odors of his bodily needs. For a time he just cried, but he was too dehydrated to do that for long and it was about that time that he realized what he’d brought. He pulled the basket closer, but it made him feel no better. Even as he began to blindly feel around for what had been brought for him.

He drank the water first, then he began to stuff his face. He was achingly hungry and though he’d ate a little of what was stored in here, it wasn’t enough and he couldn’t think ahead enough to try and conserve what he’d been given.

\---

The mabari raised his head a little when the mage started to dig through the basket and use what was inside. He’d done his job, at least. With that done, he realized he hadn’t been told when his master would let him back out. He listened for a moment and when he heard no sign of Hawke outside the door, he set his head back down and went back to watching Anders.

\---

It didn’t take long to polish off most of what he’d been given and when he did, he curled up tightly against the door, his stomach aching. He was leaning into it, waiting for it to open, but knowing better than to think it would. He was locked in here and he didn’t know when he would get out. It could be days. It could be weeks. It could be months.

The thought filled him with such despair that he wailed.

\---

Pickles laid there in silence, trying to be patient as he waited for his master’s return. But when hours had passed, he began to get restless. He had his own bodily needs to tend to and he was hungry. He knew Anders wouldn’t want him by the door, but he scratched at the wall, first whimpering and then howling in hopes that Hawke would come let him out.

\---

The howls did not help him at all and he had try to cover his ears. “Stop it!” he cried, balling up so much as if he could disappear into himself. “Please stop!” He began to rock, unable to properly block out the sounds.

\---

He did as he was told, being quiet as soon as Anders spoke it. But he was no less distressed. He curled up tightly on the floor again, his claws digging into the floor. He didn’t want to think he’d been forgotten in here, but it wasn’t unlikely from the way his master had been lately. But more likely was that Hawke was waiting so Anders wouldn’t be expecting the door to open again.


	36. Chapter 36

It was almost three weeks before Hawke decided enough time had passed to interact with Anders. He missed him. He was lonely. He didn’t even have Pickles for the last week - he’d chosen not to come out when Hawke had opened the door for him one evening. He’d been rough on the dog lately, as sour as his mood had been, so it wasn’t that surprising that he’d chosen to be locked up with Anders instead. So from that point on, Hawke had tossed a basket in with food for them both every few days.

But now it was time to at least give talking to Anders a try. Perhaps it hadn’t been long enough and he’d still be defiant. But he hoped his lover was ready to listen and be free from the dark little prison within their home.

Hawke hesitated by the door, finding himself nervous to open it. He didn’t want this to go poorly. He didn’t want to have to lock his lover up for even longer. He just wanted him to do as he was told. He could hear Pickles moving to the door, giving away his presence, so he knew he couldn’t linger too much longer or Anders might start throwing himself against the door again. “Anders?” He called softly as he unlocked the door, opening it just a little. “Can we talk? I’d like to let you out…”

\---

By this point, Anders has quieted down significantly. From time to time he would work himself up with an anxiety attack and he would scream and struggle, but more often there was silence. For the last several days, there had been only silence. He’d hunkered into a corner and he hadn’t moved except to expel his bowls as far from the corner he’d claimed as possible. He hadn’t stopped eating, but he’d learned he wouldn’t be given food for days - or was it weeks? - at a time and he only dared to take a bite here and there.

The room reeked of piss and shit and it undoubtedly flooded the kitchen as soon as the door cracked open. Unlike a week before, when he’d still beg as soon as the light stung his eyes, he didn’t react. Even when he was addressed, he didn’t react. He just pressed himself closer to the corner, balled up tightly, and tried to hide.

\---

When there was no answer, he opened the door the rest of the way. He was surprised Anders hadn’t come near the door, but even with the door wide open Pickles didn’t come out. He just watched Hawke from the door with solemn eyes. He expected pleading and tears, but there was only silence. “Anders? Do you want to come out?” He asked, taking small breaths to brace against the smell of the room.

\---

The light was too much and he hid his face in his arms, beginning to weep weakly. “N-no. No. Don’t hurt me,” he whimpered, pressing himself so hard into the wall he was making his bones ache. “Please.” He was trembling all throughout his limbs, and his breathing was beginning to pick up, growing panicked.

\---

“I don’t want to hurt you. I love you.” He watched him with a frown, wanting him to be grateful for an opportunity to be let out. “I want to let you come out and stay out. All you have to do is listen.”

\---

His fingers found and dug into his hair, obviously frightened. “Please, don’t.” He didn’t even know if this was real - he’d heard all kinds of whispers in the darkness and if he listened, they might trick him. They might convince him to do something he shouldn’t. To bite himself and draw blood. To use that blood to get out of here.

\---

He didn’t particularly want to go in after him, expecting Anders to come to him, but he felt he wouldn’t get through to him if he didn’t get him out of this pantry. He moved to him and took him by the arms, expecting a fight but most likely a weak one, as he started to pull him toward the door. Pickles was at his heels, whimpering but staying at Anders’ side.

\---

The touch was terrifying and he began to shriek, struggling against him, but he was too weak to put up a proper fight. As soon as was out of the closet, he stopped and shielded his eyes again from the light.

It wasn’t particularly bright, but it stung and it revealed the sight he was. He’d grown a beard in the time he’d been locked up and his skin was sallow and it seemed almost shrunken. His eyes had dark bags beneath them and his robes were covered in filth, despite his attempts to avoid it. He smelled rank and his thighs were bright red with a rash that made moving miserable.

His legs lost their strength and he sank down, sobbing deeply.

—

Hawke unfastened the chains from his wrists once he sank down, knowing they wouldn’t be necessary. He propped him to sit up against the wall outside of the pantry and sat near him while leaving a bit of space between them. “I don’t want you to have to go back in there. I want that to be the last time you have to experience isolation like that.”

\---

As soon as the chains fell, the dark bruises that ran from his wrists up his forearms became visible. There were bruises all over his body, but the ones on his shoulders were the worst.

“Please,” was all he could bring himself to say, his voice barely intelligible.

—

“Let me get you some water.” He stood and walked the few steps he needed to get into the kitchen, bringing Anders a glass and a pitcher of water. “Then we’ll talk. And if you don’t want to go back in there, I can help you get cleaned up and into a nice soft bed.”

\---

The mention of going back in there made his tears harden and he shook his head, falling forward onto his hands to try and crawl away, his entire face pulled in distress.

—

“No, not yet. We're going to stay here for now.” He guided Anders to sit up again and then held the glass of water to his lips. “Drink this. You'll feel a little better.”

\---

He made weak sound, a whine, then he took a drink obediently, though he spilled a lot of it down his front. He did need it, but he didn’t actually take in much before he turned his head aside.

—

“Alright. That's enough for right now.” He could force him to take more, but at least he'd accepted some water for a start. He set the glass aside and sat back, watching the man in front of him. “Are you ready to talk to me?” He rather doubted it, but he didn’t want to toss him right back into the pantry.

\---

“Please don’t.” He was still crying, though his eyes were already so red and sore. “Please. Please, let me go.” He was beginning to recognize and accept that this was real, but it didn’t make him any less terrified of the man in front of him. The feelings he had for him were no longer relevant - he just wanted to be somewhere that wasn’t so terrible.

\---

“Apparently you’re not. But maybe you need more of a change of scenery.” He didn’t like to see him like this, not at all. But was it really much worse than the defiance he’d seen in him the night everything had fallen apart? He didn’t think so. “Will you go upstairs with me? We could get you cleaned up and some fresh under robes.”

\---

Anders didn’t want to go with him. He didn’t want to be here, but he didn’t want to be in the closet more. He nodded weakly, though he still didn’t seem like he was quite there. It didn’t seem like all of this was registering to him. He seemed out of it and like he was on the cusp of freaking out completely, the way he was shaking and carrying on.

\---

“Good.” It was a start. He rose to his feet and reached for Anders, pulling him up by his arm. He was firm, but tried to be gentle, knowing by the look of him that his arms must hurt. “I want things to be like they were. I want to be able to take you out to the Hanged Man to have a drink and visit our friends. Do you want that?” Of course things couldn’t be just like they were. Not after their falling out about the mages. But they could still maintain some sort of normalcy between them. He spoke softly as he walked him through the house and up the stairs, trying to soothe him with his words.

\---

He winced and tried to pull away, not wanting to be touched. “Can I have my magic back?” he asked, the first concern that came to him when he actually was able to string together a thought. He was in a lot of pain and it would feel less like a nightmare if he could take care of himself as he use to. When cuts and bruises meant nothing.

\---

“No, Anders. You told me I can’t let you be an exception anymore. If you have your magic, I’ll have to give you to the templars. But without your magic, you can stay here with me. I didn’t want things to be like this, but you gave me no choice.” He didn’t let Anders pull away from him and he guided him to the bathroom, starting to run a bath for him. He lit a fire beneath the basin, warming it the old fashioned way since Anders’ way was no longer an option.

\---

His expression twisted and with hitching breaths, he reached for the necklace, where the skin was bruised and cut from all of the tugging he’d been doing on it. He began to pull on it, trying to break it with his bare hands, even though it had become clear that it was not an option for him.

\---

“I know, I know. I miss your magic too. I’ve always enjoyed it. It even helped me sleep. But you were right and I was being a hypocrite by letting you stay free after all of the harm the mages have done.” As the tub warmed, he started to pull of Anders’ robes, soiled and sticky as they were. “I love you too much to give you to the templars, though. I won’t do that unless you give me no other choice. I still want to be able enjoy our life together. And you’ll be able to see our friends. Varric has been by asking about you. You’d like to see him, wouldn’t you?”

\---

His body was a wreck. He was badly bruised and the rash on his legs looked incredibly irritated. He was so worked up again that he couldn’t respond, though he felt longing at the familiar name. His friend. Varric.

\---

He looked awful and he did wish that he could remove the collar just for a moment to let him mend himself. But it just wasn’t an option. He guided Anders to the tub, urging him to get in. “I want you to soak in there for awhile. I’ll get you something fresh to wear.”

\---

He sank down as soon as he was water, cocooning himself in it so that only his nose and eyes stuck out. He parted his lips and took in deep drinks of the warm water, and otherwise just let his body suspend in the liquid. He was still crying, but they were only occasional tears now.

\---

 Hawke returned shortly afterwards with robes that he set out for him. “It feels good to be out of there, doesn’t it? If you can stay cooperative, you won’t have to go back. I’ll give you one of the bedrooms.”

\---

When he returned, a feeling of vulnerability took him and he found himself reaching down to cover himself with his arms, not wanting to be bare around him. He still didn’t respond, as if trying to hide beneath the clear water. Not only from him, but from everything.

\---

“I just need you to follow some rules. It's the only solution since I'm harboring a mage from the templars.” Hawke moved in closer, adding some soap to the water and using some to start washing Anders’ hair. “Then you can stay out of the Circle. And out of the pantry, for that matter.”

\---

He’d never thought that he would use the Circle against him, that he’d actually consider putting him there, but after all of this, he didn’t doubt it. He didn’t know this man. He seemed to be trying to curl up and disappear, the water sloshing as he shifted beneath it.

\---

When he finished rinsing his hair, he moved back from the tub and offered his hand. “Let's get you out. We'll get you settled in bed and I'll get you something warm to eat.”

\---

He shook his head, refusing to take the hand. He didn’t want to be touched by him. He was too frightened of him and he began to shake just having the hand put in his face like that. It’d made him ill to feel him touching his hair to wash it, but meeting his touch seemed impossible.

\---

“Keep shaking your head at me and you'll find yourself back in the pantry.” Hawke took him by the arm, not as mindful of the bruises this time and pulled him to his feet to guide him out of the tub.

\---

He cried out and barely managed to gain his footing as he was pulled up. “Please stop!” he whined, trying to pull out of his grasp. It hurt and he was so scared. He pushed at him, trying to get away from him, desperate to flee from him and find somewhere safe.

\---

“Stand still and let my dry you off.” Hawke said firmly, releasing him and watching to see if he would hold still if he wasn't hurting from his bruises. “You have to listen to me if you want to stay out of that room.”

\---

As soon as he was freed, he ran from him. Not far. He went to a corner of the room and pressed himself into it, huddling down as much as he could. “Please,” he continued to beg, mindless. He was rocking as he buried his fingers into his hair and hid.

\---

Hawke grabbed the robes he’d brought along, then grabbed Anders from his place in the corner, hauling him back up to his feet even more roughly. He was out of patience. He dragged the mage from the bathroom and when a whining, distraught mabari stood in his way, he gave him a sharp kick that made him yelp and back down.

\---

He was freaking out, trying to free himself again. “No! No! Please! No!” He was shrieking. “Don’t hurt me! Don’t! Don’t, please! Don’t!”

\---

“Will you follow instructions?” He kept hold of the flailing man, hesitating at the stairs. He didn't want to toss him right back into the pantry now that he was cleaned up, but he didn't feel like he was ready to comply.

\---

He was hyperventilating and trying to sink down to the floor to stop the movement. The banister was there and he grabbed hold of it, wrapping his arms around it and clinging to it. He just wanted to stop moving. To find a safe place and stay there. “Please stop,” he begged. “Please don’t.”

\---

“It's no wonder the templars kept you confined for so long. Clearly a few weeks isn't enough to make you cooperative.” He took hold of him by his arms, applying pressure to his bruises in hopes of forcing him to let go. “I don't want it to be like this. I wanted to take you to a nice big bedroom you could rest in.”

\---

He didn’t understand how he could do this to him. Just hearing him talk about it like this had him crying out in protest and when the pain forced him to let go, he found himself shifting his hold to the closest thing. His leg. His arms wrapped around the rogue’s leg and he clung to it instead.

\---

He felt a little better about Anders clinging to him instead and he softened a bit as he looked down to him. “Let's go to your room. I don't want to start this all over again.” He went so far as to stroke his fingers through the mage's wet hair and started to try to head toward the bedroom next to the room they shared, as well as he could with his leg being clung to.

\---

He couldn’t really move like this, so he had to crawl on his knees to keep up with him, arms still wrapped securely around him. It wasn’t until they actually got into the room and he passed close to the dresser that he abandoned him to latch there instead, desperate to keep hold of anything that would stay still.

\---

Hawke watched him cling to the dresser, leaving his side to set his clothes out on the bed. “I’ll give you a little while to settle down. I’ll be right next door.” He’d taken it upon himself to seal the window closed in this bedroom - the glass could be broken, but it certainly couldn’t be done quietly. It seemed a safe enough place to let him calm down since he’d be so close himself. He left the room then, keeping the door open, and went to his own room so he could skim through a book while he waited.

\---

It took a little over an hour for him to calm down enough to really register what was happening. When he did, he carefully let go of the dresser and crawled on his hands and knees to where the clothes had been left. He began to pull them on, warming his skin and hiding much of the bruising. All that was left visible was a little bit around his neck and on his fingers.

His eyes went to the window and the door, but it wasn’t safe. It wasn’t the time, so he crawled further into the room and tucked himself in a corner, unable to bring himself to close his eyes beyond the occasional blink.

\---

The mabari padded into the room after nearly two hours had passed since Hawke had left Anders alone in the room. He knew he probably wasn’t wanted as he had been in the pantry, but he didn’t want to be away from the mage. Not when his master was acting so strangely. He moved to settle near Anders, but gave him plenty of space as he laid down on the floor, licking slowly at the shoulder he’d been kicked in earlier.

\---

Anders tensed at the sound of movement, but he calmed a little when he saw who it was. Only a little. He took in a deep breath and then shifted a little, finding his ass was aching from remaining in the same position for so long. The new position ended up being about the same and he settled in to stay there for as long as he had to.

\---

It was a few hours before Hawke made his way back into the bedroom. His hound had whimpered when he heard him coming, curling up to make himself as small as possible. The rogue lingered near the doorway, looking to the spot where Anders had taken up residence. “You’re dressed. That’s an improvement at least. Are you ready to talk?”

\---

He tensed when he showed himself and pressed back into the corner, reacting instinctively in his fear. After a long moment, he gave a nod. He wasn’t himself, but he wasn’t as badly off as he’d been earlier. He could talk and though he already knew the direction this conversation was going to take, he knew he had to go along to get along. Until it was time.

\---

Hawke moved to sit on the edge of the bed, still leaving plenty of space between himself and the man in the corner. “I want you to stay here. I don’t want you to end up with the templars because they’ll do a lot worse to you than lock you up for a few weeks and you and I both know it. But if you don’t want to stay with me, I can make those arrangements. Tell me what you want.”

\---

He balled up tighter, beginning to shake again. “I want to stay here,” he murmured, a tear darting down his cheek. That was a lie, of course, but it was what he wanted to hear. Before this, there was no other place he would’ve wanted to be, but he’d cracked. The rogue was cruel and unhinged and there would be no ‘after this’. He just needed to get away.

\---

“That’s good. That’s very good, Anders. I can keep you safe from them here.” He was sure Anders didn’t really want to stay right now. But he was at least saying the right things now. “I still want you to have a life, even if you are a mage. I want to be able to take you out. Everyone wants to see you.”

\---

Even if he was a mage. How the fuck had this happened? How the fuck had it gotten to this point? He was silent, saying nothing in response. He wanted those things too… but he wanted them away from him. Away from this entire city, if he was going to be here. He wasn’t safe here, not with him, on his good side or otherwise.

\---

“You’re a good man. You’re the man I love. That’s why I want to keep you out of the Circle. We could have stayed so happy together if you didn’t give me an ultimatum like you did that night we ran into each other in the alleyways.” He sighed, genuinely regretful. Things had been bad since his mother had died, but they were still happy for the most part. “I think we can still be happy. Things will just have to be a little different. I think we should have separate rooms at least for a while. Is that okay with you?”

\---

He couldn’t fathom how he could speak to him of love. He nodded again, still quiet. He didn’t want to speak unless he had to, but he definitely wanted as much space as he could get. If he was going to be stuck in here, he didn’t want to anywhere near him and he didn’t want to share his bed.

\---

“Do you want something to eat?” He asked, his brows raising a little. He wasn’t sure if he’d actually get an answer out of him or if he’d just shut down. “I’d rather you not go downstairs without me. At least not until I have more reason to trust you.”

\---

He nodded. He hadn’t been starving in the closet, but he hadn’t had enough, either. He needed to eat, especially if he was going to regain his strength. He didn’t doubt that he could get out of here, he just didn’t know how soon.

\---

“Alright. I’ll go warm something up. I’ll be listening so don’t try anything stupid. I really want you to be able to roam the house comfortably and not have to go back to the pantry. Do you understand?” He asked as he rose to his feet, moving in a little closer to Anders.

\---

He flinched back from him as he came closer, nodding. This time he did so more fearfully, obviously frightened of him.

\---

“You don’t need to be afraid of me. Not if you’re doing what I say. I don’t want to hurt you.” He stopped then, not wanting to make him withdraw any further. “I’ll get your food. Don’t leave this room.” With that he turned to go and when he did, Pickles whimpered but relaxed his posture a little.


	37. Chapter 37

It was a week later that Hawke decided his mage was ready for company. It was a good thing to because the others were starting to ask a lot of questions. They didn’t understand why Anders hadn’t been around and why Hawke insisted that they now pay to use healers at the Circle to mend their injuries after missions. No one had asked more questions than the dwarf, asking questions was one of his specialties after all, and Hawke decided that Anders had recovered enough from his imprisonment that he was ready to be visited. It would be good for all of them if Varric could see him with his own eyes and report that he was alive and well.

Hawke had greeted Anders with a kiss that morning, one of the few he’d given him since all of this had happened, and presented him with new robes. Robes that would hide his necklace and the bruises around it, as well as gloves to keep the healing bruises of his hands from showing. He’d promised him the dwarf’s safety as well as more visits if he could behave himself.

When he went downstairs to do some research in the library, he invited Anders to come downstairs with him and wait in the living room for his company. He didn’t want Anders near the front door so he was the one to answer when the dwarf knocked, guiding Varric into the living room and giving his mage a warning look before walking back toward the library to give them at least a hint of privacy.

“Blondie! I’ve been worried about you…” Varric said warmly as he moved into the living room to take a seat. He was studying Anders and it took no time at all for his stomach to give an uneasy turn. Something was very wrong here.

\---

Though Anders was looking better since he’d been pulled out of the closet, he still didn’t look right. He was off. He offered him a smile, genuinely relieved to see him, but it was strained. His hands were clasped tightly in his lap and if they had been without gloves, they would’ve been white from the force he was exerting on them. “Sorry, I’ve been sick.” That was the excuse he’d been told to give, so he gave it.

His eyes flicked to the door of the library and then back to him, not at all trusting that they weren’t being watched in addition to being listened in on.

\---

“Yeah, I can tell. You don’t look quite like yourself.” Varric took in his posture, then glanced to the door of the library after Anders had. “Are you...okay now? You’ve been gone a long time. We miss having you around.” He asked this with a casual enough tone, but his eyes gave away that he wanted an honest answer. He glanced to the library again before looking back to the mage.

\---

“Yeah, I’m feeling much better.” He didn’t dare give him any indication that he didn’t mean what he was saying, even though he wanted to. He was honestly worried about what would happen if he gave away too much. Before the pantry, he would never have believed that his ‘boyfriend’ would hurt him, but he couldn’t risk his safety. “It shouldn’t be much longer before I can start helping again.” That wasn’t really true, since he could never help again without his magic, but it felt like what he ought to say.

\---

“That’s good, we get hurt way too often to keep going without you. We’ve been missing you at cards too. Your man says he thinks you’ll be well enough to play with us soon.” He didn’t believe his answer, but he wouldn’t push. Not with that library door open. “And Lucy misses you. Every time people come over she looks for you.”

\---

He nodded. “Maybe I can come visit her some time.” He doubted it, but he needed to be given that kind of freedom if he was going to get out of here. He tried for a smile again, but it didn’t come close to reaching his eyes, like before. “Maybe you can stay for dinner tonight.” It wasn’t his place to invite him, but he didn’t want to be alone with Hawke and if he could convince him to stay and to be allowed to stay, it would mean time he could breathe freely.

\---

“Sure, I can stay.” He wasn’t invited to dinners with a false smile like that very often. There was always some compelling reason to stick around and see just what was going on. “I don’t have anywhere important to be until tomorrow morning. Later in the week you could come pay Lucy a visit. I know she’d love to see you.”

\---

“Maybe.” He wasn’t going to make promises. If he complicated things, it would only serve to anger Hawke and he didn’t want that. “I’ll go ask him if that’s okay.” He forced himself to release his hands and he rose to his feet, making the short walk to the library to stand in the doorway. “Garrett, would it be okay if Varric stayed for dinner?”

\---

Hawke was at his desk with a book open in front of him. He appeared to be working, but of course, he was also listening closely. “Of course he can. I have enough from my last run to the market we could make a good meal for us all to share.” Anders was doing just as he was supposed to and he was happy to reward him.

\---

He nodded in confirmation and then turned back to the living room, making his way back to his seat. He reclapsed his hands and nodded. “You can stay.” It was going to be a long night, but he felt better knowing that Varric was going to be suffering through it with them.

\------

Dinner had been uneventful, much to Hawke’s delight and so after he’d shown Varric out for the night, he’d thanked Anders for being so good and promised him he could have another guest soon. He’d kissed the mage’s brow and put him to bed, content with the way things had gone.

The next morning he’d had to go out for the day and so he’d chained Anders to the bed as he’d been doing lately when he had to leave him alone. He promised him a warm supper when he got home, told Anders he loved him, and headed out to get his work done for the day.

Varric had been far from convinced by the performance the pair had put on the day before. He didn’t like the feel of it, not one bit. Anders was so off, so uneasy, and Hawke had been watching the mage like...well, like his namesake. Everything about them had him on edge. He knew the rogue had business in town and so when he’d finished his own meeting in the morning, he went to the mansion and knocked. He’d expected Anders to answer, seeing as the clinic was still closed, but when there was no reply, his stomach gave another uneasy turn. Something just wasn’t right here.

He didn’t make a habit of breaking into other people’s rooms, except for Isabela’s and only because turnabout was fair play, but this was important. He need to see if Anders was home and if he was alright. He picked the lock and was met with an anxious Pickles on the other side who shied away from his hand when he tried to pat his head. Even that was strange. “Blondie?” He called from the entryway, looking around for any sign of his friend.

\---

The knock had set him on edge and when he heard the door open, loud in the otherwise quiet mansion, he had moved from where he was laying on on the bed, trying to duck down and hide himself beside it. That was until he heard his name. He froze, his heart and breath picking up.

He was anxious about answering, but after fighting with himself, knowing full well that it could be some kind of trap, he called back. “Varric!” If he wasn’t alone, there was going to be so much trouble coming his way.

\---

So he was here. And upstairs, apparently. Varric started up the stairs with quick steps, not liking that he didn’t hear the mage coming to greet him. Possibly because he _couldn’t_ come to greet him. “Blondie? Where are you?” He called as he reached the top of the stairs, heading to the master bedroom and finding it empty.

\---

It sounded like he was alone and so he moved from where he’d begun to hide himself. There was enough slack in the chain for him walk around the parameter of the bed, but that was about it. “In here!” He couldn’t help but pull on the chain. He’d been trying to get both it and the chain around his neck off, but he’d been scared of creating damage or bruising himself in a way that would make his escape attempts clear, so he’d made no progress.

\---

He heard how close the voice was and it took him no time at all to find the mage chained to the bed. He’d known something was wrong, but he gaped to find him actually in chains. “Shit, Blondie. Hang on…” He moved to him and immediately found the lock on the chain binding him to the bed, getting his lock pick back out and getting to work.

\---

As soon as he saw him and saw that he was alone, that it was safe, he burst into tears. As soon as the chains fell from his wrists, he threw his arms around the dwarf and clung to him, trembling and clutching fistfuls of his jacket. “Varric,” he sobbed, so relieved and yet, somehow so scared that he was here.

\---

All of this was overwhelming and he wasn’t sure what to make of the way Anders clung to him. He could feel how distraught he was in the way he shook and the way he gripped him and so he wrapped his arms around him in return, stroking his back as well as he could. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m here.” What he’d do from here, he didn’t know. But for now, he needed to soothe his friend.

\---

Even though he’d wanted the touch, when he felt it he couldn’t help but flinch. He was frightened of getting hurt and he was already hurting. Much of his body was covered in bruises and a lot of them were on his back. When he’d hurt his arms too much from banging on the door, he’d began throwing his back onto it.

\---

“I’m sorry.” Varric said quickly, releasing his hold on him when he felt Anders flinch away. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you. Are you hurt right now?” It wasn’t likely, considering that Anders was a healer. But maybe Hawke was beating him and making him keep his wounds as punishment.

\---

He couldn’t meet his gaze, feeling oddly ashamed when questioned. Rather than tell him, he began to pull off his robes. Loosening the laces and letting the layers fall from his shoulders. He’d had some time to heal, so the marks weren’t nearly as bad as they’d been fresh, but his skin was still discolored in blotchy patches that seemed to focus on his upper half.

Most of them he’d caused himself, but it didn’t change that they were there and that they weren’t really his fault.

\---

“Shit…” He murmured under his breath as he moved back enough to get a look at him. At all the damage on his body. “Heal yourself. I don’t care what he says. Heal all of it.” There was a note of distress in his voice, finding something very disturbing about seeing a healer covered in so many wounds.

\---

His expression twisted and he moved his arms in front of himself as if to hide, despite having chosen to show him. “I can’t. He took my magic from me.” He lifted his hands up to his face and sobbed into them briefly, before dropping them abruptly to reach for the dwarf again, wanting to find a shred of comfort in all of this.

\---

Took his magic? He wasn’t sure how that was possible. He didn’t ask immediately wanting to give Anders a chance to calm down a little. He wrapped his arms around him in return but kept his own touch very light, not wanting to do anything that would hurt him while he tried to comfort him. Only after holding him for a little while did he speak up again. “How did he take your magic, Blondie? Maybe there’s some way to reverse it…”

\---

He fell into his arms and pressed as close as he could, burying his face into his shoulder. He cried into the fabric, wetting it, finding that the touch was the first that had felt safe in a long time. Even before all of this, he’d rarely been touched and it felt like forever since he’d had human contact.

He shook his head at the question, knowing there was nothing he could do. “I can’t. Not yet. Please, just don’t leave me here. Please, come back.”

\---

“I’m not going to just leave you here. You don’t have to stay like this…” The last thing he should do was stay chained like a slave. “I know you love him, but you can’t let him treat you this way. You can just come back with me. I’ll figure out how to deal with him…” He stroked his fingers through his hair when it was on his shoulder, finding that was a way to soothe him without hurting him.

\---

He shook his head. “No. No, I have to stay. He’ll know. He’ll hurt you and he’ll give me to them. No, I can’t leave now.” He would know if he escaped the day after his visit. “Please, just come back. Come back tomorrow.” He pressed his cheek into his shoulder, almost nudging it, still trembling, but some of it now in relief from their contact.

\---

It was clear that Hawke really had Anders scared if he was afraid to run away when given an opportunity. But it wasn’t worth taking a risk too quickly if he was serious about turning Anders into ‘them’. “Okay...I’ll come back tomorrow. If it’s getting worse, I’ll have to make a move to get you out of here.” He continued to work his fingers through his hair, having no idea what else he could do to make any of this better right now. “Can I bring you anything when I come tomorrow? Anything that would help?”

\---

“I just don’t want to be alone anymore,” he whimpered, traumatized by the stay in the pantry. “Don’t tell him.” The thought of him saying something had him beginning to panic. “Please, don’t tell him. Don’t say anything.” He pulled back from him, his eyes red and dripping, still clutching at him desperately.

\---

“Of course I wouldn’t tell him. He’s insane.” It broke his heart a little to see just how distraught the mage looked when their eyes met. He gave him a sad little smile, hoping to ease him back from this new panic. “We’ve always had our secrets, you and I. I’m not about to start spilling to anyone now.” Especially not when Anders needed someone that could be trusted more than ever.

\---

He nodded, as if trying to assure himself. It seemed it took a bit of convincing, but then he was leaning back into him, as if trying to cuddle with him. Trying to burrow in his arms and find a safety he’d not felt in a long time.

\---

“Let’s sit down together, yeah? You should be resting.” He wanted Anders to relax in the time he had while Hawke was away. Besides, it seemed he needed contact with him and he might as well try to help with their height difference. He tried to ease them to have a seat on the bed, but didn’t want to break contact with Anders. Not while he needed it so desperately.

\---

He followed him to the bed, wasting no time to resume the position, though he blindly found and placed one of the hands on his side. His skin ached and he needed contact.

\---

He did as he was guided, wanting to give him any comfort he could. He stroked the skin of his bare side gingerly, afraid to apply any real pressure and aggravate his bruises. He cradled Anders’ head into his shoulder, wishing he’d only come to check in on him sooner. “I know you love him, but something is wrong with him. No one deserves to be treated like this. Especially you.”

\---

The gentle touch was what he needed and for some reason, it made the tears come harder. It was something so simple, but it was something he’d been lacking. He shook his head, denying what he had to say. He didn’t love him. He loved the man he’d met, but he wasn’t that man anymore. He didn’t love the man that could be so callous and cruel - the man that could take his trauma and turn it on him to try and control him.

\---

He wasn’t sure which part he was denying, but he didn’t ask. He was still weeping hard and he didn’t want to upset him any further. He wished he had more experience at comforting another, but all he could think to do was keep stroking his skin and keep him sheltered against his shoulder. His fingers kept caressing him in long, smooth strokes, not sure if it was making things better or worse since Anders was weeping as hard as ever.

\---

It took a long time for him to calm, but as he did, his body began to relax. He stopped clinging to him so hard and he let his cheek rest on the soft fabric, his breaths warming where it was wet. “Don’t stop,” he murmured, wanting the hand to not only continue, but to move on. To touch all of the skin that was available to him.

\---

“I won’t.” He assured him, wanting to do whatever he could to make him feel a little better. He couldn’t do much for him, unfortunately, but he would do what he could in the time he had. He assumed Anders wanted him to keep doing just what he had been, so he continued to cradle him, stroking his fingers slowly up and down the length of his side as he calmed further.

\---

His neck was right there and after a while, he began kissing it lightly, everything about how he was touching him turning intimate. He wasn’t thinking about it, he was just acting. This was what he needed.

\---

His neck hadn’t been kissed in awhile and the feel of his lips gave him a shiver. A rather warm, pleasant shiver. He felt a bit guilty for feeling that way when Anders was so vulnerable, but he was just letting Anders do as he pleased. It was the least he could do for him. He closed his eyes, finding his hand exploring a little more as it brushed over his skin.

\---

He made a sound, his body pressing closer to him, his lips moving up his neck. They withdrew completely and he looked at the dwarf, breathing between them. “Varric,” he whispered, knowing that this wasn’t what he was supposed to be doing. It was wrong in a lot of ways, but he needed it. He needed to feel like he was safe with someone else and so he leaned in to brush their lips together.

\---

He hadn’t been intimate with anyone for a month or so, but it had been much longer than that since he’d been intimate with a man. It felt like the wrong thing to do, but he didn’t want to deny Anders what he needed and so he returned the light touch of his own lips. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’ll come back no matter what.” He didn’t know if he was doing this in hopes that it would entice him to stay longer or come back sooner, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want any bribery. He just wanted to give Anders whatever it was he needed from him.

\---

He hesitated, but his response was press their lips all the more firmly together. His hands lifted to his face and he clutched as his cheeks, kissing him intently, holding him so that he couldn’t pull away and so he could deepen the kiss as he found himself wanting to suckle on his lips.

\---

He was surprised to feel him kiss him so hard even after he’d assured him that he didn’t need to do something like this. He instinctively parted his lips, craving the intimacy himself. It felt so wrong. Anders wasn’t his, for almost as long as he’d known him Anders had belonged to someone else. On top of that, the mage was traumatized and extremely vulnerable. But that was all the more reason he felt it would be even more wrong to reject him. He kissed him deeply, his heart pounding as he tried to justify allowing this and also tried to justify bringing this to a stop.

\---

His own hands slid down, moving to where his shirt was held wide open and burying his fingers into his chest hair - showing him what he wanted. His tongue, which had slipped into his mouth, drew back long enough to beg, “Touch me,” and then he was back at it, exploring his mouth.

\----

Fingers always found their way into the chest hair. He would have smiled against his lips if he wasn’t so conflicted over all of this. He let the mage lead, letting him do all of the exploring with his tongue and only moving his hand to stroke his chest and his stomach after Anders had started touching his own chest. His hand instinctively groped for a breast, which unfortunately wasn’t there, but at least his fingers found a nipple which was familiar territory and his thumb brushed over it lightly.

\---

Despite it being a simple touch, he hadn’t expected him to be that intimate about it and he groaned softly. His own fingers began to push at his jacket, trying to bare him in the same way. Some part of him felt awful about this, knowing that he shouldn’t be doing this, not while he was spoken for, but he didn’t understand that part of himself. Who was he being loyal to? A man he no longer loved and that he wanted to flee from?

\---

Varric’s heart was beginning to beat faster as he felt the jacket fall from his shoulders. He should bring a stop to this. Nothing good could come of this. But then...it might give Anders the comfort to endure this until he had a good opportunity to free himself from Hawke. So perhaps it wasn’t all wrong. “We can stop if you want to.” He broke the kiss to murmur against his lips. “I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” But he didn’t want to stop the comfort he was giving him and he continued to stroke along his torso, this time giving the other nipple a little brush when his fingers passed it.

\---

As far as he was concerned, those were mixed signals. He was touching him in a way that suggested one thing, but his words suggested something else. He pulled back to meet his gaze and realized what he was doing and with who. He swallowed. “You don’t want me…” It wasn’t a question and it was hard to say whether he was more embarrassed or ashamed as he grabbed where his robes were hanging off of him and began to pull them up.

\---

“The problem is that I do.” His eyes were warm and he took one of the mage's hands, guiding his fingers to brush lightly over the bulge that had been forming in his trousers to prove it. It had been a long time, after all. “You're hurt and you're scared. I don't want you to feel taken advantage of when we can get you out of here.”

\---

The way he was feeling, he’d probably fuck anyone that was here and willing to touch him. With the exception of Fenris and the man he was supposed to be fucking. It wasn’t that he wanted Varric specifically, though if it had to be anyone, he was glad he was here. That he was the one touching him. He was his closest friend and the only person he truly trusted and with that in mind, he began to grope him.

“You wouldn’t.” Take advantage of him. Even though his trust has been shattered so irreparably, he knew that the dwarf wouldn’t hurt him.

\---

The touch made him draw in a slow breath and he started to stroke his skin again, touching what he could still get to after Anders had tugged his robes up. “I wouldn't.” It seemed this really was what the mage wanted. A comfort from someone he trusted. He leaned in to press a soft, brief kiss to his lips.

\---

He continued to work him through his pants, his other hand working to undo his sash all the while. There was something almost urgent to the way he began to undress him, accepting that this was going to happen and that he wanted it. He wanted him - the need for contact that wasn’t painful and frightening so overwhelming.

\---

Again he felt it was best to let Anders lead, so he helped to strip himself but made no move to undress the mage. If Anders felt vulnerable and wanted to stay fully dressed, that was fine with him. When he was bare, he was entirely thick and hard for him, his body eager after another dry spell.

\---

He looked down at his cock as soon as it was released and was relieved to see how ready he was. He wrapped his fingers around it and began to stroke him, his own cock still catching up. It didn’t take long for him to want more from this and he shifted back enough that he could lean down and take him in his mouth, sucking him and taking him in deeply from the start.

\---

“Blondie…” He groaned under his breath as he was sucked. One thing he'd learned from the few men that had charmed their way into his bed - women could be great at sucking a cock but no one was as good at it as men were. He slid his fingers into his hair, stroking his scalp in a rather tender way since he felt that was what Anders likely needed.

\---

He did need the touch and he made a soft sound, muffled as he kept his cock as deep in his mouth as he could. Dwarf cock was a little easier to suck, but the man was thick and it was still a lot to take in. Just in a different way. He seemed to be focusing all of his attention on what he was doing with his mouth, his hands clutching as his hips and remaining still. There was a point to this and it wasn’t just getting his rocks off - he needed this to feel normal.

\---

He left one hand in Anders’ hair, the other reaching to stroke lightly over his shoulder and his back as he worked him. He wanted to give him all the gentle touches he could to help keep him relaxed. He closed his eyes, savoring the heat of the mouth around him and he breathed a soft, low moan.

\---

The touches were so comforting, especially when he lightly brushed where his skin was most damaged. He took his time, sucking hard and bobbing slowly, letting his tongue pay keen attention to every groove he found. When he did finally pull back, it was to strip his robes off, revealing the rest of his body.

There wasn’t a big difference in how he looked, as most of the damage had been where he’d already shown him. If anything, he just looked pale and thin.

“Varric,” he murmured, moving up the bed and laying back, his legs parting a bit.

\---

It was so good that he nearly complained when he stopped. He wanted Anders to suck him dry, but this wasn't for him. This was for the mage. He looked over him as he laid back and started slowly stroking his fingers along his inner thighs. “Do you have oil?” He didn't want this to be painful for him and he knew he was too thick for the man to comfortably take him dry.

\---

He shook his head. His ‘boyfriend’ hadn’t tried to fuck him since taking him from the pantry, so as far as he knew, there was no oil close. “The bedroom.” He was a little anxious about him getting it, incase he moved something out of place and left a clue as to what had happened behind, but if anyone could be careful, it was him.

\---

“I'll be back in a heartbeat.” Varric gave him a reassuring kiss, then hopped off the bed to search the master bedroom. Of course it was right beside the bed where he expected it and he was careful to take what he needed and leave the bottle just where he'd found it. He climbed back into bed with Anders, first coating himself in the oil, then using what was left to give the mage's cock a few slow strokes.

\---

His anxiety rose when he was left alone and he was scared for a brief moment when he returned, expecting him to be someone else. He was relieved that it was him. He took in a sharp breath at the feel of his hand, then let it out slowly. He spread his legs further, giving him complete access between them, his hands gripping at the sheets beneath him tightly.

\---

He settled between his thighs, but wasn’t in a hurry to take him. For one thing, it still felt surreal that he was in this position with Anders in the first place. More importantly, he knew what the man needed and so he ran his hands over his skin, leaning down to press a few soft kisses to his chest. “I want you to decide when you want me. When you’re ready, reach down and position me and I’ll push in…” He wanted Anders to have the control. He wasn’t sure what sort of things had been done to the man and he didn’t want him to feel like he had to just lie there and accept what was happening.

\---

If he thought about it, it would be surreal for him too, but he wasn’t thinking about it. He was just letting it happen and he nodded, letting go of the sheets and sliding his fingers into his hair, his eyes closing as he was touched. Closing his eyes wasn’t so bad like this. He felt safe and for a while, he remained as he was, taking the attention and affection and internalizing it.

\---

He felt better about the offer he’d made when Anders didn’t take him up on it immediately. He didn’t want to be fucked just yet and he was glad he didn’t just start ramming into him. He continued to touch and kiss along his skin, taking his time with it. He wanted to talk to him, to reassure him that he wouldn’t hurt him or do anything he didn’t want, but he felt like talking might make it worse right now and it was better to let him soak in the attention.

\---

Anders was content to let him continue on for the rest of the day, really, but there was a greater degree of closeness to be had. All he had to do was reach down between them. So he did just that, his hand sliding down to find his cock and placing it at his entrance, holding him as he waited for him to give him the rest of himself.

\---

His breath caught when he was guided to his entrance. He was ready. He looked up to him, wanting to make sure he was alright as he started to press into him. He kept it slow, pushing into him deep, then slowly withdrawing most of the way to do it again. It felt so good and it had been a very long time since he’d had a man, drawing a soft groan from him as he took him nice and slow.

\---

He held his breath as he was stretched, his lids squeezing tighter, letting go of him to clutch at the small of his back as he began to take him. He moaned as he repeated the motion, his eyes opening to look up at him, breathing through parted lips.

\---

“How does that feel, Blondie?” He asked softly, a slight smile on his lips. He wanted to know that he was alright, but he also wanted to remind him that he was in safe company. He was with a friend who wouldn't hurt him. He continued to take him with slow, graceful rolls of his hips, rather preferring the relaxed pace.

\---

“You’re so thick,” was his answer, his cheeks already turning flushed. He was thicker than most men he’d been with and though his own cock was just as thick, he was well aware that he was larger than most men himself. He pulled his legs up, curling up to help him slide against where he need it each time he pushed in.

\---

He could feel when he was hitting the right spot and so he maintained that angle as he rocked his hips into him firmly. He ran a hand from Anders’ thigh up the length of his side, everything about his touch and his thrusts smooth and sensual. “Thick enough to show you a good time, at least. You haven't been stretched like this in awhile, have you?”

\---

His flush brightened, watching him with hooded eyes. “No,” he moaned, his toes curling, getting a lot out of what he was being given. “It feels so good.” It really did. Not just his cock, though he was fixated on how he felt inside of him, but the way he was touching him. The way he was looking at him. “ _So good_.”

\---

“It only gets better from here.” He was pleased to hear he was giving him just what he needed and he pressed a kiss to his chest. “I’ve always thought you were stunning. I'm not generally attracted to men, but you...you've always been easy on my eyes.” Though it was women he craved, he could appreciate a good looking man when he saw one.

\---

His eyes widened, not expecting that. His hands slid up, still clutching at him. His cock was throbbing, but this contact felt more important. “Varric…” He found him attractive too - by far the most attractive dwarf he’d ever seen. He just hadn’t really thought about it beyond that. This was quickly becoming overwhelming and tears pricked in his eyes, welling and blurring his vision.

\---

He was surprised by Anders’ emotional reaction, but he took it in stride. He slowed his pace almost to a stop and reached for one of the hands clinging to him. He guided it to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “It's alright, Blondie.”

\---

He began to weep, but there was almost a relief to it, a release in it. His hand shifted to cup his cheek and held it there. The corner of his lips were threatening to lift, but they weren’t quite there. “Don’t stop. I want to feel you even when you’re gone.”

\---

“You will.” He assured him, picking up his pace a little again. He was still in no rush, instead being thorough and making sure he massaged him just right each time he was in deep. His hand shifted lower, finding the mage’s cock and giving it slow, relaxed strokes. He was unpracticed at it, but it didn't take long for his fingers to match the confident grace of his hips. “You don't have to cry. It's just you and me. And I just happen to think you're a stunning man.” He said with a soft little smile.

\---

Anders whimpered as his cock was given what it needed, his thighs shuddering. He nodded, but it still took him some time to stop, especially when he was being given such gentleness and understanding. Things that had hadn’t gotten from the man that ‘loved’ him in a long time. He moaned and rocked himself to meet his thrusts, the heat of his cheeks helping to dry the wetness of them.

\---

“That's it. That's just right…” He murmured in a soft moan when Anders started to meet him. He was gradually building in pace and force, but it was such a slow and steady change it was as if it had never transitioned and has been that way from the start. “I could watch you like this all day. A flush to your cheeks suits you. Your eyes have always reminded me of golden honey but they're darker, _richer_ when you’re lost in pleasure like this…”

\---

The flush in question darkened, becoming bashful from his observations. He liked them, he just hadn’t been regarded like this in a long time. He hadn’t had anything like this in a long time. He was beginning to realize how long. Since before everything had gone down hill - how many times since then had given everything and received nothing in return?

This felt a lot more like love than what he’d grown accustomed to.

All day. He wanted to be given this all day, but he didn’t know when it would become dangerous for him to stay. His moans were filling the room and he was beginning to writhe beneath him and the hand on his cheek slid behind his head, wishing he could pull him up for a kiss.

\---

“Go ahead…” He could feel that Anders was getting close and his own cock was starting to throb. He stroked him faster, picking up the pace to really pound him as the end drew near. “Go ahead, if you cum I will too…” He urged him in a soft groan.

\---

His eyes rolled back and he arched, crying out as the pounding compounded his pleasure. He had to let go of him and clutch at the sheets, his fingers so tight that his knuckles were white. “Varric!” He repeated his name, even more breathlessly, shuddering as he spilled, his mouth falling open to moans.

\---

He was used to hearing his name cried that way by the voices of women, but it wasn't so bad hearing it in Anders’ voice. The sounds and the tightness of his muscles got to him quickly and he was only a few beats behind before his hips grew erratic and he pumped him full of his seed. When he'd finished and fallen still, he panted softly for breath, leaning down to press more kisses along his chest.

\---

When he caught his breath, he opened his eyes and looked down at him. He reached for him, wanting him to stay inside, but wanting him up close even more. He tugged him up and as soon as he was close, he pressed a passionate kiss to his lips, relieved to feel warm skin pressed to his.

\---

Varric let himself be guided upwards and he returned the kiss he was given. He didn't want to put too much weight on his bruised torso so once the kiss broke, he settled to lay at his side, cuddled up to him without putting pressure on him. “How do you feel?” He asked softly, running his fingers over the mage's arm lightly. He liked to have a little cuddle after sex, but he didn't normally ask such a loaded question afterwards.

\---

He was quiet for a time and then the peace in his expression broke. It twisted a little and he had to hold his quiet long enough to get past the thickness in his throat. “Like I don’t want you to go,” he replied honestly, not wanting to be alone here anymore.

—

“I'll be back tomorrow.” He assured him and when he saw how deeply the thought of being alone affected him, he reached for his hand and held it. “You know, I usually have a strict rule about sex. I never have sex with someone unless I'm pretty sure I'm never going to see them again. But you're an exception. I already made plans to see you tomorrow so my rule doesn't apply.” His tone was soft, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

\---

He returned the hold, clutching his hand firmly. He gave a weak chuckle, though the thought of him being done with him was distressing. Without him, it would be all the more difficult to get out of here. He knew he was telling him to be reassuring, though, so he tried to be assured.

“We’ll figure out a way to get me out of here.” Sure, he could run right now, but there were many reasons why that would be a mistake.

\---

“We will. I'll start pulling strings to get some protection set up for you when we get you out.” He assured him, running his thumb over the back of Anders’ hand. “I can also make sure Hawke's hands are full so he doesn't have a lot of time to pursue you. You can count on me, Blondie.”

\---

He was quiet for a time. “I have to stop him, Varric.” He’d shown what he was capable of with someone he ‘loved’, so what was he capable of with someone he didn’t care about at all? “He’s hunting mages. He’s killing them. Innocent people who have done nothing wrong.” He didn’t know what it meant to stop him, but if he just fled for his own safety… what did that say about him?

\---

“Right now, you need to focus on getting out of here safely. After that we can figure out how to keep him away from mages.” He agreed that it was important. That Hawke had gone off the deep end with the mage hunting. Probably even more so than he thought since he’d gone so far off the deep end with Anders, the man he loved. “But one thing at a time.”

\---

“He threatened to hurt you if I messed up when you came over…” He wanted him to know what they were dealing with and why part of him was scared of leaving so suddenly. He shook his head. “Something’s wrong with him and he can’t be trusted.”

\---

“You don’t have to worry about that. I can handle it if he tries anything with me.” He didn’t want any direct altercation with Hawke, but he’d deal with it if it came to that. “Just be careful until we find a good way to get you out. And if things are getting worse while I’m away and you need me here…” He trailed off a moment, considering. “Well, I used to tell you to send the dog when Hawke was getting out of hand. I don’t know if we can trust his dog for something like that anymore.”

\---

He shook his head. “He abuses him too. He kicks him and yells at him. He locked him in- in the pantry with me.” The marabi still obeyed his master and allowed the abuse of them both, but Anders wasn’t blind to his empathy. “As long as Hawke doesn’t tell him to make sure I don’t get away, I think it should be okay, but it’s not as if I can let him out of the house.”

\---

“He’s always had his own ways of getting out of the house. If you trust him, you can send him for me if things get too ugly here.” He sighed and gave Anders’ hand a light squeeze. “I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s turned on the dog too. He’s really lost it.”

\---

He shook his head, frightened of what would happen if Hawke realized he’d gotten out. “Just come back. If you come back, it’ll be okay. If I’m not here, just… check everywhere, okay? I don’t know where he’ll put me, but last time he put me in the pantry and he left me there for- for… I don’t know. Weeks or months. I don’t know, how long has it been since I left?” He really had no idea how long his stay had been and now that it occurred to him to ask, he did want to know.

\---

“...Weeks. It’s been weeks.” His throat had gone tight and for once, words failed him. It took him a moment to find his voice again. “Is that what he did? He locked you up for weeks. Just like…” Just like what the templars had done to him. “Blondie, I’m going to bust you out of here and soon.”

\---

He didn’t want to talk about it, so he didn’t say anything in response. “Please, don’t be rash. Please, I don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Don’t involve anyone. You can’t tell Aveline or Fenris. If you tell them, he’ll know and he’ll give me to them and they’ll make me tranquil.” His breathing was picking up as the possibilities began to freak him out.

\---

“You know me better than that. Subtlety is what I do best. You just trust me and keep your head down so you don’t get any more trouble from him than necessary.” He hushed him softly and pulled the hand he held in to kiss the back of it again. He needed to be going soon and he wanted to make sure Anders could calm down before he did.

\---

“We should wait. We should wait until he starts letting me out. He said that he would. That he would let me out to see you guys. If I disappear then, he can’t blame anyone. He’ll just blame me.” Then he could get somewhere safe and from there, figure out what he was going to do.

\---

“We’ll wait, then. We’ll wait and see if he keeps his word about letting you out to socialize.” He could get some other balls rolling, but nothing that would tip off Hawke. “We’ll make our move once he’s got some degree of comfort in letting you come to my place.”

\---

He hadn’t eased up on his hand and he gripped it even harder. “I don’t want you to go.” He knew that he had to. It was possible that Hawke wouldn’t be back until late tonight, but it was also possible that he’d be back within the hour. What they were doing was dangerous and the sooner he left, the safer they were.

\---

“I know. I don’t want to leave you here.” He really didn’t like the idea of leaving him here to Hawke. The man who chained and hurt his lover who had always been good to him. “But I’m coming back tomorrow. When do you think he’ll be gone?” He definitely couldn’t risk turning up too soon.

\---

“I don’t know. He doesn’t tell me anything.” It was even possible he wouldn’t go anywhere at all, though that was rare. He was a busy man. “If he wants to take you with him, you have a good reason not to go, don’t you?” He didn’t want him sucked into going with him.

\---

“I”ll probably have to go with him sometimes, but he hasn’t asked often. I’m still in trouble with him for helping you with mages. I’ve got plenty of excuses too. He knows I’m a busy man and he knows some of the things I keep busy with are important for him.” He finally pushed himself to sit up, knowing he’d best start getting put back together.

\---

He was reluctant to let go of him, but he knew he had to. He watched him get up and his jaw wobbled, but he hardened it. He had to get up too. He had to put on his clothes and get chained back up. “...Do you have something I can wipe off with?” He had to get the cum off of him.

\---

“Sure…” He had started to dress himself and he reached into a pocket in his trousers, pulling out a handkerchief. He always kept one handy for its given purpose, though he found he more often used it to cover up his tracks when he was getting into something he shouldn’t, or occasionally using it so save his cards from getting soggy when someone spilled ale on the table at the Hanged Man. “Use this, it’s clean.”

\---

He could have easily left the room to clean up, but he didn’t even realize that he was so scared of being caught that he was restricting himself to the room even when he was free. He took the handkerchief from him and proceeded to clean himself off. When he offered it back to him, he did so with a quiet apology.

He started to pull on his clothing, doing his best to make sure he looked as he had before the dwarf had shown up. After smoothing down his hair more times than necessary, he looked at the chains gathered on the ground. He reached for them and with reluctance, offered the end of them to the rogue.

\---

“I’m sorry.” He gave him a regretful look and took up the chains, using them to bind Anders’ wrists. He was slow and careful, making sure they were just the way he had found them. “I’d take you with me right now if I could do it safely.”

\---

“I know.” When he was restrained, he looked down at his wrists for a while, then he moved closer to him. He knew he was about to walk out, so he wanted a little more attention and assurance.

\---

When Anders drew near, Varric embraced him. He didn’t give a lot of hugs out, despite his penchant for friendly touches with his comrades and associates, but if anyone needed one it was the man in front of him. He looked up to him and offered a small, strained smile. “The rest of the day will go fast. I’ll be back before you know it.”

\---

He couldn’t return the hold, so he concentrated on getting as much as he could out of it. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he murmured miserably. He couldn’t pretend he was going to be okay in that time, but it would be okay when he got back.

\---

“Tomorrow.” He assured him, holding him a few more beats before releasing him. “I’ll come in the morning if I hear your -” He was so used to calling Hawke his man, but that definitely didn’t apply anymore. “If I hear Hawke is out and about. If not, I’ll try in the afternoon. I’ll make up an excuse for dropping by if he happens to be home.”

\---

They couldn’t do that too often, for obvious reasons, but he nodded in agreement. It would be unbearable if he couldn't come at all the next day, so having him stop in even only briefly would be a comfort. Even if Hawke was there. “Okay.” He moved away from him and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to go.

\---

“See you soon, Blondie.” He gave him a long look before turning to go. He saw Pickles in the doorway, the mabari cowering a little when their gazes met. “Maybe we’ll bust you out too. I bet I can find someone who wants a dog.” He could tell by the tilt of the beast’s head that he didn’t understand what he was talking about, but at least it was enough to keep the dog from cowering when he passed him on the way out.


	38. Chapter 38

Pickles was laying on the floor of Anders’ bedroom the next afternoon when a sound at the door made his ears perk. It didn't sound like his master's key in the door and as much as he loved and feared Hawke, his uncertainty drew a soft whine from him. He went to Anders’ doorway and when he saw the small man coming up the stairs, his tail began to wag. When Varric stepped inside, he wasn't empty-handed this time - he carried a small basket along with him. From it he plucked out a bone and offered it to the mabari who trotted off with it, looking happier than he'd been in months. “Hey, Blondie.” He greeted Anders as he set the basket aside and moved right in to pick the lock on his chains.

\---

It wasn’t until the afternoon that he was left alone. The silence in the room was deafening and he stared at the ceiling from where he was laying on the bed, waiting. The time seemed to pass slowly and it didn’t take long for a tear to cut across his temple, thinking that he wasn’t going to come. A few more tears followed suit, the trails drying before another darted out.

When he heard the marabi move, he looked down at him. He held his breath, sitting up and staring at the doorway. The dwarf appeared and he moved closer anxiously, sliding off of the edge of the bed and meeting him. “Varric.” As soon as the chains fell, he wrapped his arms around him and sank to the ground, burying his face into his shoulder.

\---

He wrapped his arms around Anders in return, cradling his head to his shoulder. It made his chest ache to see the man so desperate for comfort. “Hawke isn't coming home until late tonight. You've got me for company til sunset.”

\---

It was such relief to hear that he began to tremble a little. He clung to him and after long enough, when he felt he could bear to pull back, he met his gaze. “I’m so happy you’re here.” His eyes flicked between the dwarf’s and then he leaned for a quick kiss to his lips.

\---

He wasn't sure what to expect from him after the day before, but he responded to the kiss while it lasted and gave him a warm smile. “Happy to be here, Blondie.” He'd be happier to get him out of this place, of course. But until then he could provide comfort and company.

\---

The warmth seemed to directly affect how warm he felt himself and it eased a lot of the tension built up in him. “Want to come lay down with me?” He didn’t dare leave the room, even if he could, so there wasn’t much to do. Even if he dared venture out, nothing would make him feel as good as just being close with the dwarf.

\---

“Sure. I brought some things for you we can look through in a little while.” Right now, Anders probably needed touch more than any gifts so he gave his robe a tug as he moved to settle himself on the bed.

\---

Anders moved after him, laying beside him and scooting into him. He slid his arm around him and tried to tangle their legs. The height difference wasn’t ideal, so he ended up just bending a leg up and tucking his thigh up between his legs.

\---

Varric wasn't used to just lying down during the day, but it was a nice change from how busy he'd been. He felt what Anders was trying to do and coiled his leg around the one that had settled between his thighs. Remembering what he needed the day before, his hands busied themselves with touching him in slow, lazy strokes along his chest and his sides.

\---

His eyes shut and he let out a breath that saw him relaxing even more. The touch was so comforting and he didn’t want disturb him, so the simplest way to occupy himself was to close the distance between their lips and kiss him slowly.

\---

He could tell that this was still just what the mage needed and he kept it up when their lips met. He closed his eyes and kissed him, finding that it didn't feel as wrong as it had the day before. Anders wasn't still really Hawke's. He would be if the rogue hadn't gone crazy, but he had and they were finished. Anders was free to kiss whoever he wanted, Hawke had lost his say in the matter when he'd started abusing him.

\---

There was something relaxed to the kiss. Even when he eventually introduced his tongue, it didn’t make it any more urgent. It was a peaceful exchange and when it went on long enough, his lips tugged upwards.

\---

The feel of his tongue made it feel as if this was progressing and it was hard for him to resist urging things forward. But he wanted to be a calm presence for Anders and to let him lead, so he managed to keep things placid and eventually relaxed into the deep kiss. His hands continued to explore him, slowly and gently, content to graze over him without slipping beneath his robes.

\---

“Varric,” he murmured against his lips, a hand sliding in from around him to slide across his chest. He loved that this jacket kept him exposed and he had immediate access to his skin. His fingers found the necklace around his neck and he slipped a finger through the ring, tugging on it.

\---

The corners of his lips turned up when he felt him start to tug on the gold around his neck. “Like that, Blondie?” He pressed a series of brief, soft kisses to his lips. “I don’t wear a lot of it like Rivaini, but I’d feel naked without at least a bit of gold on.”

\---

“I do.” He walked his fingers up his body and gave one his earrings a tug. “I tried to get her to let me wear her choker, but she wouldn’t part with it,” he hummed regretfully. It was quite the piece and he would’ve liked to see what it was like, but he wasn’t surprised that she was protective of her jewelry.

\---

“That woman is a bit territorial over anything shiny. But I think it would look good on you.” He smirked when his earring was toyed with and his hand moved to brush the one in Anders’ ear. “Leave it to me. I’ll get her to let you wear it for an evening.”

\---

“Better. It would look better on me - that’s why she refused to give it up.” He couldn’t remember the last time he really smiled, but the most genuine one to cross his lips in a while was currently gracing them.

\---

“That’s true. But we won’t tell her that. If we do, even I won’t be able to get that gold away from her.” He chuckled softly, relieved to see that Anders seemed to be enjoying himself a little bit despite the situation. “Then we’ll get you one even grander than hers and she’ll really be jealous.”

\---

“Oh, I couldn’t. That much gold would fund the clinic for a month.” More, really. Not that the clinic needed funding while he was locked in here, but as much as he liked all things that shined, he couldn’t justify blowing that much on something that would amount to nothing more than pointless decoration. His eyes fell and with it his fingers, settling back on his chest.

“I didn’t even get new robes until _he_ decided my bruises needed to be covered up.”

\---

“Yeah, but those days are over. You aren’t his anymore.” He ran his fingers lightly along his jaw. “When we bust you out, we’ll get you something frivolous. You’ve more than earned it.”

\---

He tilted his head, enjoying the touch and letting it sooth him, as all his touches had. “You smell good,” he commented, not knowing if was the soap he used to wash his skin or his hair, but it was pleasant.

\---

“I’m glad you think so. When I found a scent I really liked, I bought almost a lifetime supply of it. If that merchant ever moves out of town, I’ll be set for years to come.” He followed the curve of his jaw upwards and ran a thumb gently over the mage’s cheek.

\---

Realizing it was something that he applied for the sole intent of smelling good, he leaned in to take a deeper hit. He’d smelled it on him the previous day, but he hadn’t really focused on it. “I really like it too.” He nuzzled into the hand, his eyes falling closed.

\---

“Of course you do. I’ve always had good taste.” He smiled when Anders took in the scent and he let his hand wander its way from his cheek to his hair. “I always liked the way you smelled best after a day in the clinic. The herbs went nicely with your natural scent.”

\---

He flushed, preening and pleased. “I’m surprised you were ever close enough to notice.” He certainly hadn’t ever noticed the dwarf’s scent, not until he’d gotten this close to him. Then again, most of the time he saw him in the pub or out and about, where other scents were either overwhelming or where they were swept away.

His eyes opened again and he gave him another kiss, simple and sweet.

\---

He returned the kiss and swept his fingers leisurely through his hair. “That’s how I’ve gotten where I am today, Blondie. I’m a man who notices things. You just happen to be someone very easy for me to notice.”

\---

He hadn’t felt like this in some time and if things had happened differently he would feel awful about it. As it was, he didn’t feel awful. The heart that had belonged to Garrett Hawke picking up in something other than fear was something to be celebrated. The thigh between his legs slid further up, rubbing between them, “What else do you notice?”

\---

“I can’t go giving you all my secrets.” His tone had gotten a little lower when he found Anders leg rubbing him. “I already told you one of my other observations yesterday. The one about your eyes.”

\---

“Is that how you convince people to suck your cock?” he murmured, wanting to do just that. “You have a little poetic ‘observations’ prepared? Bet you have one for each eye color. Tell me what you’d say if my eyes were blue.” His leg continued to rub.

\---

“I don’t convince anyone to suck my cock. It just ends up being sucked once in awhile.” He chuckled, but the sound was a bit like a groan as the continued stimulation started to perk him. “I never have observations prepared for anyone. They’ve got to be genuine. ...Besides, there are many shades of blue. There’s no telling how any given pair of blue eyes would make me feel.”

\---

He snorted. “You’re ridiculous.” Even just this banter made him feel so much better, his chest light. “Convince me to suck your cock, Varric.” He really didn’t need to do any convincing at all, but he wanted to hear what he would say.

\---

“I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. I’ve never convinced anyone to suck me before.” He’d never needed to chase. Women had a way of hungering for him and though he turned them down often, it was a lot harder to do so once they got their lips around his cock. “Are you sure you could handle doing it again? I know I can be a mouthful…” He wasn’t as long as a human man, but he knew he was much thicker than the average man of any race.

\---

Again he snorted. “Look who you’re talking to.” He gave him a smirk, a little smug. Of course, the size of his cock had nothing to do with his ability to suck another, but if they were talking mouthfuls, he couldn’t help but show off a little. “Here I thought you had a silver tongue.” He drew his leg back, replacing the unrefined stimulation with his fingers.

\---

“Oh, I know you’re nothing to sniff at either.” He chuckled and when the fingers started to work him instead, he groaned softly under his breath. “If you need a little convincing, I’ll convince you. Because I’d like to feel more of what _your_ tongue can do. You see, you stopped before the payoff you could have gotten. You would have been in for a surprise.”

\---

“What kind of surprise?” He lightened his touch, making it as coy as his question. It really felt good to just give into this. To not fret. To feel safe and let his needs take hold, to act on them.

\---

“A sweet one.” He couldn’t resist pressing his hips forward a little, encouraging him to give him a firm touch again. “I can’t tell you how, it would give away another of my secrets. But rumor has it that the prize for sucking my cock enough is rather sweet tasting.”

\---

His brows lifted and then he quickly began to pull at his sash and his pants, fingers diving right in to pull him out. He wrapped them around him and began to stroke him. That was better than a firm touch, surely.

Even better yet… He began to scoot down, making himself level to his cock and, like yesterday, getting right to business. Taking him into his mouth and sucking eagerly.

\---

The hand working to stroke him would have contented him, but he drew a slow breath when instead Anders positioned himself and started to suck him. His fingers worked into the man’s hair and he breathed out in a low moan. “That’s so good, Blondie…”

\---

He could, of course, take his time with it. Start off slow, tease him, work him up, make him need it. He wasn’t interested in any of that, though. He wanted it too much. He was hungry in the way he sucked him, hand stroking his thigh, the pressure of the touch increasing as he took him in deep, then drew back slowly, sucking hard.

\---

He liked a slow blowjob as much as any man, but there was something to be said for a ravenous, aggressive one like this as well. He rocked his hips into his mouth just a little, struggling to keep still while he was being sucked so hard. He watched him with dark, lusted eyes, not bashful about his soft, low moans of pleasure.

\---

He hadn’t been lying. It was a mouthful, but as evidenced the previous day, he took it well. The sounds of his moans made the back of his neck prickle and he looked up at him, meeting his gaze. He didn’t mind the rocking and he met him, going so far as to slide hand back to squeeze his ass in encouragement.

\---

He took the invitation when it was given, starting to fuck his mouth with steady rolls of his hips. “I know I said I could watch you all day the way you looked yesterday - all flush with pleasure while I took you. But I could watch you doing this all day too. You’re a stunning man, Blondie.” He murmured, using his fingers to massage his scalp. He really was a lovely sight, especially with a mouthful of his cock.

\---

His eyes warmed and he moaned a response of his own, taking him all the more eagerly. He loved the way it felt to have him plunge into his mouth over and over and he couldn’t get enough of him. He wanted him so much. To suck him dry, to taste this supposed ‘sweet’ surprise, then to start all over.

He’d been so good to him.

\---

He could tell how much Anders was enjoying sucking him and it only added to his own pleasure. The hunger in the way he sucked him was amazing and he couldn’t take his eyes off of him while he worked. It didn’t take much more of the deep, hard sucking to get him throbbing and he wet his lips as he stroked his fingers through his hair. “I hope you’re ready for that sweet prize I promised you. You’ll have it soon…”

\---

He moaned again, ready for it. He didn’t change what he was doing, wanting to be consistent and follow the pace he was given. He did, however, pull his hand in and began to massage his sack, wanting his seed to fill him up this way. He’d marked his ass the previous day - he needed to mark his throat today.

\---

His moans got lower, liking the work on his sack to push him the rest of the way to his finish. His fingers tightened in his hair and his hips began to stutter as he spilled, filling his mouth with a thick load. The imported fruit he kept in his diet was meant to make his hair soft and sleek and keep his skin tight and unlined, but in the years he’d been implementing it, he’d also heard many times that his seed had a unique, sweet taste. He watched Anders closely as he basked in the pleasure of his release, curious to see what he thought of it.

\---

Anders’ brows lifted as he swallowed him. It was sweet. As promised. He sucked hard and squeezed his cock firmly, getting all of it and letting what was left spread over his tongue. When he pulled off, he looked up at him with a heated gaze. “How?” He’d never tasted cum like that.

\---

“It’s one of my many secrets. But I’ll tell you that it wasn’t something I did on purpose. More like a pleasant, unexpected side effect.” He smiled down to him, moving his hand from his hair to give his cheek a gentle stroke. “Did you like it?”

\---

He pressed his cheek into the hand, nodding. “You taste as good as you smell.” Everything about him was pleasant to his senses, really. He wasn’t sure how he’d never noticed. He’d been so caught up in another man… A man that he would’ve happily spent the rest of his life with if he hadn’t gone crazy. His heart ached and he tried to ignore it.

\---

“I'm glad it lived up to your expectations. You were so eager to suck me dry once I told you about it, I would have hated to disappoint.” He looked so satisfied and he watched him serenely, caressing his cheekbone lightly with his thumb.

\---

“Hopefully you can still fuck me,” he murmured, ghosting his fingers over his cock. “I couldn’t feel you this morning when I woke up.” It had upset him. He’d filled his thoughts with him, but it would’ve been better if he could’ve still felt the ache of being fucked until he’d arrived.

\---

“I’ll fuck you as many times as you want before sunset.” It had been a long time since he'd had any interest in fucking someone more than once, but he felt he was up to the task. “I'll make sure you feel me tomorrow morning, Blondie.”

\---

“You should still cum in my mouth, though.” He could fuck him until he was about to blow, then move up to fill his mouth. He wanted to taste him, but it would also be easier to clean up that way. Especially if he was going to get his fill of the dwarf before he left.

\---

“I can do that as many times as you want too.” He smirked a little. “You must have really liked the taste of it. I'll have to be careful. I've already broken my rule for you. If this keeps up, I might get addicted to you.”

\---

His lips quirked and he leaned in to press a kiss to his cock. “Is that a bad thing?” His fingers slipped beneath his pants and he began to tug them down, wanting to finally undress him properly.

\---

Varric chuckled softly at the kiss to his cock and helped to undress himself the rest of the way. When he slipped off his jacket, he had some bruising along one side of his ribs that hadn't been there the day before. “I don't know yet. We'll find out, won't we?”

\---

He pulled back to begin undressing himself, but paused when he noticed the bruises. “What happened?” He knew that he had things he did on the side. His own things that didn’t involve anyone else, so he imagined they had to do with that, but he didn’t like seeing the marks there. Especially when he couldn't summon his magic to heal it.

\---

“I've got a rough crowd keeping Hawke busy until late tonight. When I went to visit them last night, they wanted to play a game before I left. They're the kind of guys that don't know how to have fun if someone isn't bleeding. Like the guys who like to play the drinking game with the scorpions.” He watched Anders undress himself, hoping the mage's bruises were continuing to heal and he wasn't getting new ones.

\---

He frowned, not realizing he’d been the cause of this distraction. He wanted to say that he didn’t have to do that, but he didn’t want to discourage him at the same time. He set a hand on his side, skimming the bruises with the pads of his fingers. “I wish I could heal you…”

\---

“It’s alright, Blondie. I put some salve on it, it doesn't hurt much. I brought some for you too.” It wouldn't be like healing all the cuts and bruises on the mage, but it would help with the pain and make them heal up faster. “I'll put it on for you.” He knew Anders would like all the touching involved in that, probably more than the salve itself.

\---

“...As long as it doesn't smell too much.” He didn’t think it would be too noticeable, but he was worried about leaving signs of what they were up to on his body. He finished pushing off his robes and baring himself, moving towards the pillows to settle.

\---

“It smells a little like aloe. But it's not strong. I'm sure you didn't smell it on me, just my cologne.” He understood the precaution and thinking that way would help to keep the mage safe. He ran his fingers over Anders’ chest when he was back up on the pillows. “I brought some oil along too. Just in case you wanted me again today.”

\---

Anders smiled. “Just in case I wanted you… or were you hoping I’d want you?” He was really enjoying all of the flirting and he wanted to continue. “You can tell me the truth, Varric…”

\---

“If the truth is what you're after, you're talking to the wrong man.” He smirked, letting one of his hands wander to his nipple so he could tease it with his thumb as he had the day before. “I was torn about it. I don't fuck someone I plan to see again so I _never_ fuck someone twice. ...But I was still hoping you'd want me, just a little…”

\---

He bit his lip, his body aroused and cock perked from all of the excitement. He ran his fingers along his arm, seeming to have something on his mind. “When I get out of here… are you hoping I’ll disappear?” It would hurt his feelings, but he would understand… he’d made it clear how he felt about these things.

\---

“Hell no. You and I are a team, we always have been.” He met his gaze and gave him a soft smile. “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave Kirkwall behind once you put all this behind you. But selfishly, I hope you won’t.”

\---

Part of him wanted to, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it while things were the way they were. If nothing else, he couldn’t while his ‘boyfriend’ terrorized the city. If he could put a stop to that, then maybe he would leave. “...Maybe if I do, you can come with me.” He slid his arm around him and shifted closer, trying to snuggle with him, even if only of a moment.

\---

“My place is here. But if you do decide to flee, I’ll come visit you.” He slid an arm around him as well, pressing in close. “If you decide to stay, I’ll find a way to keep you safe here. My associates were doing a fine job of it until the man you live with ended up being the primary danger to you.”

\---

He expression turned somber, but he nodded. “No need to think that far ahead.” He didn’t know what would happen after he got out of this place, so it would be better to focus on that step and not get ahead of himself. He held the position for a few beats, then relaxed his hold on him.

\---

“I like to think ahead.” Varric stayed pressed close to him even after Anders relaxed. “I want to think of a time when you’re free from here. When your clinic is open again. A time when you’ll smile easily, just like you used to. I’ve always liked your smile, Blondie.”

\---

“You’re sweet, Varric,” he murmured, his voice distant. The excitement in him had began to ease and with it went his interest, but he still felt comfortable. He wanted to stay comfortable and when he shut his eyes, he was glad to find that he still felt safe. The dwarf would stay at his side and when he couldn’t any longer, he’d at least stay on his side.

\---

“Not always, but always sweet to you.” He slid a hand up Anders’ back and into his hair, stroking lightly through the strands. “We’ve still got a lot of mages to save and there are still a lot of people in Darktown who need you. I really hope you’ll stay in Kirkwall. But those are just the noble reasons I’d want you to stay. The rest are selfish.”

\---

His eyes opened again, meeting the dwarf’s. “Keep on going the way you are, I’ll think you have a crush.” He seemed to be a little more in the moment, not as lost in his mind.

\---

“You can think what you want.” He said with a slight smirk. “I don’t know anything about crushes, but I know something about people. You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known and that’s coming from a dwarf who knows a _lot_ of people.”

\---

“...So how long have you had your crush?” His lips tugged up and he enjoyed the casual closeness they were sharing. Still cuddling, even if he wasn’t pressing as close as possible. “Is it more recent? Or have you noticed my ‘stunning smile’ and my ‘golden eyes’ all along?”

\---

“I don’t ‘crush’. Isn’t that a thing young girls do?” He chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair again. “I’ve always noticed your smile and those golden honeyed eyes, but it was your genuine care for other people that really made you stand out. And I’ve known you needed someone better than Hawke since the first night I gave you my bed.”

\---

Hearing him say that hit him just right and his eyes began to well. They flicked back and forth between the dwarf’s, obviously feeling a lot of emotion. “I thought I could help him. I thought that all he needed was someone to work through his anger with him, but… but it got worse. He would hit me, tell me he’s sorry, then hit me again.” Looking at it now, he’d never made progress with him. He’d gotten nothing but empty promises.

“I don’t- I don’t understand how I let it get so far.”

\---

“Helping people is what you do. It’s what makes you special. But if there’s any hope to change him at this point, it’s going to take a lot more than a single person.” He moved his hand to the mage’s cheek, stroking it gently as if he meant to wipe away tears that hadn't fallen just yet. “I just wish he hadn’t hurt you so much before we could get you out of here.”

\---

He tightened his jaw, trying to hold himself together. “I just wish he hadn’t come to my clinic. I wish it had been you.” That night he’d come to comfort him with a bottle of wine. The night they’d kissed and thrown themselves over each other. “I’m so stupid. He’s dragging me around by my wrist and I’m telling him that I love him.” He’d loved him so deeply, so dearly, and now he couldn’t feel those emotions if he wanted to.

\---

“You’re not stupid. You’re a good man. Too good for him. Too good for me too. When we get you out of here and back on your feet, you’ll see that. You wanted what was best for him more than what was best for you. Once you’re somewhere safe, it’ll be time to look after yourself for once.” He leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips, hoping to soothe him.

\---

“No, not too good for you.” He was looking at him intently now. “Since you found me here, you’ve been better to me than he’s been in our entire relationship.” There had been good moments. Moments when he’d felt loved and protected. When he’d felt like nothing could come between them.

He’d been wrong, though, and he didn’t know how much he could trust those moments. He’d ignored so much, so how much had he been ignoring even in the ‘good times’?

He was finding that even this felt a lot more like what a relationship ought to be like. “I’d rather be yours.” He wasn’t actually expecting anything from him, despite all of the things he had to say - whatever he felt, whatever _they_ felt, he wasn’t in a good place and rushing into a relationship while he was a literal prisoner to the man he’d loved was as stupid as falling in love with him in the first place.

\---

“I’d rather you were mine too. If only because I would never want to see you hurting like this again.” He gave him a sad little smile. “But my only relationship ended in a lot of heartache and assassination attempts, so I’m not exactly an expert in happily ever afters either. I just write them.”

\---

He made a miserable chuckle. “Maybe I can be yours until I get out of here.” That wasn’t too much, was it? Just for a little while? He could comfort himself with the knowledge that while his ‘boyfriend’ walked around with the notion that he belonged to him, he could rest assured that he belonged to someone else. To someone better.

\---

He’d never come close to agreeing to a relationship in a very long time, but this was for Anders’ comfort. He meant to have him out of there soon so it was hardly a long commitment for either of them. “Do you want to be mine until you’re out of here? Once you’re free you can run away from me before the heartache and hits on my life start coming in.” He teased softly and stole another soft kiss from him.

\---

“Suddenly you don’t want me to stay,” he returned the tease, his eyes still wet, but his demeanor warming. He returned the kiss and then followed it with one of his own. “I want to be yours. It would be rude to let you butter me up all day for no reason.”

\---

“No, no. Don’t run from Kirkwall. I still want to be able to visit you. Just run from me.” He smiled between the soft kisses. “Then be mine. My very own Blondie.”

\---

He smiled and rather than respond verbally, he shifted, moving over him and silencing him with an eager kiss. Their hips didn’t quite align like this, but he made up for it by pushing himself up on his forearms and reducing the length of his torso in the way he bent over him.

\---

He closed his eyes, melting into the kiss he was given. He rather liked this positioning, despite the height difference, because he didn’t have to worry about putting too much weight or pressure on the wounded mage. His hands moved to his sides, stroking over them slowly and down to his hips.

\---

The touches were heavenly and he appreciated that he never seemed to tired of giving them to him. His hands were constantly moving against his skin, comforting him the entire time he was here. “Will you really make me yours? Will you fuck me?” he breathed against his mouth, rocking his body into him.

\---

“As many times as I can before sundown.” He promised him, rocking his hips up to meet him eagerly. He’d brought other things along for Anders that they could enjoy together between their passions. But right now, he wanted to take him nice and slow like the had the day before.


	39. Chapter 39

It was several days later that Varric found he couldn’t go visit Anders. He had to go on a mission with Hawke that would have them both out of town overnight. Of course, he had no good way of getting that information to the mage and he hated the idea of leaving him all alone in that room for so long.

He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone else about what was going on, but he found himself at the pirate’s door for lack of another idea of how to make sure Anders got the comfort he needed. He trusted her in some matters more than others, but when it came to taking care of Anders, he didn’t doubt her at all. He knew how much she liked him and how much she’d resented Hawke for ruining their friendship.

He didn’t know how she’d react to the news of what was happening in Hawke’s mansion, but she didn’t seem as surprised by it as he expected, though it was clear that it was far worse than she must have suspected. After hearing it all, she’d seemed adamant that they should break him out immediately, but Varric was able to talk her down from that. It would take careful timing and planning. First, she needed to go give Anders company and whatever comfort he may need. He told her when they would be gone so she could sneak her way into the mansion, giving her a basket of things to take along as he’d been bringing himself for the mage.

When the lockpicks got to work on the door the next day, Pickles’ ears perked and he rose from his usual resting place in Anders’ room. He went to the doorway, wagging his tail as he waited for their visitor and the treat he always got from him. But the moment the door opened downstairs, he knew something was wrong. The scent was wrong, the weight of the footfalls wrong as well. Familiar, but certainly not the dwarf. He whimpered and walked to the bed, pacing nervously in front of the place where Anders rested.

It was Isabela who stepped into the bedroom rather than Varric and when she saw the nervous mabari guarding the mage, she reached into the basket and plucked out the bone the dwarf had packed. “Hey Handsome, a little dwarf sent me to see you. But he said you have to bribe the beast first.” She offered the bone to Pickles who looked terribly uncertain, but slowly moved closer to take her peace offering.

\---

Anders heard the door open and he perked, sitting up and shifting to the edge of the bed. He noticed the reaction of the mabari, but it didn’t really bother him, too excited to see his dwarf. So when someone else stepped in, he paled and panicked, trying to hide the chains.

“W-what? What are you doing here? Where’s Varric?” He didn’t understand and his instinctive reaction to separate himself from her was in full swing.

\---

“He’s out for the night. With Hawke.” She added quickly, wanting him to know that his abusive lover would also be gone overnight as a silver lining. “Varric didn’t want to tell me what was going on here, but he also didn’t want you to have to be all alone.” She moved to the bed when Pickles went to lay down his his bone, pulling the lockpick from her hair. “Let’s get those chains off of you. He sent stuff for you.”

\---

Her words penetrated the panic, but all they managed to do was work him up even worse. “He’s out? For the night?” He wasn’t going to come? At all? His nose stung and tears didn’t well so much as immediately fall. He didn’t want to spend a day without him and even though he’d known this was a possibility all along, it really hadn’t hit him until now.

\---

“I’m afraid so. He’s out camping with Hawke and Aveline to catch a guard that might be in league with a group of bandits scamming travelers. Even if they catch him tonight, they have to wait until his commander is in tomorrow morning to make formal statements about what they witness. They’re not going to be back until late tomorrow morning at the earliest.” She was surprised by how distressed he was and she gingerly reached for his wrists, trying to pull them forward so she could get to work on picking the lock. “But I’m going to keep you company. You don’t have to be lonely…”

\---

He was shaking his head, so upset, and when the chains fell from his wrists, he moved away from her. “He wasn’t supposed to tell. He wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about this.” Of all the people he could have told, Isabela seemed the least likely to talk to Hawke, but she was also the most likely to talk to _someone_ and that meant it could get to Hawke. “Varric…” He needed him. He needed him to come.

\---

“He didn’t want to tell me. But he didn’t want you to stay up all night waiting for him either.” She stood at his bedside, even as he moved away from her. “You don’t have to be afraid of me anymore, Handsome. You don’t belong to Hawke anymore. He’s never going to know I was here.”

\---

The thought of waiting for him and being left alone like that was enough to continue his tears. This was better, he supposed, but that knowledge wasn’t enough to stop him from feeling upset that he wasn’t coming. He tensed as she went on, realizing that with her wording that he must have told her everything. He was trembling with the fear she was trying to assuage, her knowing everything a terrifying prospect.

“You can’t tell anyone else. If he- if- He’ll hurt me. He’ll give me to them.”

\---

“I know, I know. Hawke is a danger to you now. I know how important discretion is about this. He’s after Merrill, you know. Varric and I have been hiding her, I’m well aware of what sorts of secrets need to be kept right now.” Until they put a stop to Hawke’s mage hunting, he was very dangerous.

\---

He hadn’t known that, but it didn’t surprise him. “Merrill should just leave. She shouldn’t stay in Kirkwall - she should go back to her clan.” Or go somewhere else. He didn’t know what was with everyone’s obsession with staying in his forsaken city, but he wanted no part of it.

He was pressed himself into the corner of the bed, as far from her as he could get without climbing off of it entirely, but her assurances seemed to be calming him a least a little.

\---

“Her clan doesn’t want her back. She’s both an elf and a mage, it’s too dangerous for her to just flee on her own. Varric and I keep her concealed from Hawke and that’s enough for now.” Isabela took a seat on the bed, still giving him plenty of space, and set the basket up on the bed. She had more rolled oats with berries and honey from the blood mage she’d been speaking of and some mixed tea that would just need to be warmed. There was also a note, sealed closed with wax so Isabela hadn’t been able to peek at it as much as she would have liked, that had marked with a bit of Varric’s cologne. “He sent a note for you, Handsome.”

\---

As soon as what she had to say registered, he snatched up the note and returned to his corner, looking it over. He could smell the cologne while he was holding it and it made his heart ache - he’d rather be smelling it on him. It was a comfort to smell it at all, though, and he broke the seal, wanting to read what he’d written for him.

\---

The note was brief, penned in his meticulously neat handwriting. _My Blondie, I'm sorry I won't be able to visit today. I'm sending Rivaini with some gifts to keep you company. She'll take care you and you can take whatever comfort you need from her until I get back. I'll find some way to get Hawke out of the house tomorrow night so I can come see you. I'll visit soon, Varric._ The only thing that kept the note from being immaculate was a smeared paw print along the edge of the page and Varric wrote beside it. _Lucy says hello, she misses you._

\---

He read through the note several times, then pulled it in to press it against his chest, another couple tears falling, though he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand. When he could bring himself to look at the pirate and accept that it was okay that she was here, he was humiliated. He didn’t like being seen like this, but he knew he wouldn’t have been able to handle being here alone.

\---

“I know I'm not the one you want to have here, but it's just for today.” She offered him a sad smile when she saw the look on his face. “There's no need to be ashamed, Handsome. I think there's more to Varric sending me to you than my contempt for Hawke. I...understand your situation better than most people would."

\---

He didn’t know what she was talking about, but he found it hard to believe. She’d had someone she loved lock her away and abuse her? He knew that it was entirely possible that she’d experienced something similar and perhaps that was why she was the way she was about people, but he just couldn’t imagine anything as bad as what he’d gone through. Only because the punishment that had been inflicted in him had been intentionally and cruelly chosen to for him to relive the most terrible thing to ever happen to him.

Not that it was a contest, he just couldn’t believe that someone would understand.

\---

“Not that anyone but Varric would know that. He has a way of getting information out of people, doesn’t he?” Of course he did. It was what he was best at. “I’m not saying that I can imagine the pain you’re going through. Just that I...know what it is to love a man even if he treats you like a pet. To be played with when he feels like it and to be ignored or punished when you’re not acting just the way he thinks you should. I know how it feels to be beaten for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, then being told that he loves you and taken to bed. To be trapped once you realize you want out of that relationship.”

\---

He had to look away from her, his fingers tightening on the letter. “Varric told you everything, didn’t he?” She was describing it so accurately that it was distressing to hear. He didn’t like that he’d told her. He hadn’t wanted anyone to know. He didn’t want to be regarded as ‘the man Garrett Hawke abused’.

\---

“He didn’t tell me much at all. I lived next to you guys. I’m not as observant as the dwarf, but I’m not blind either. Especially when I’ve experienced something like it.” She grabbed one of the treats from the basket, helping herself to it since Anders was still as far away from her on the bed as he could get.

\---

He didn’t know what to say. He’d hardly regarded what had gone on at the Hanged Man as abuse, but maybe if he’d taken it more seriously than, he could have avoided all of this. “You knew what was happening even then?” She’d known what it would come to? He’d been so blind to it, but she’d known? “Why didn’t you say anything?”

\---

“It wasn’t as bad then. You wouldn’t have listened to me, or anyone at that point. But especially me, he had you scared to death of me.” She sighed softly. “I hoped you’d get out on your own before you ended up trapped. But it didn’t work for me and it didn’t work for you either, so now all I can do is help Varric get you out of this.”

\---

He frowned, knowing she was right, and shook his head. “I don’t know how you guys can still work with him. Knowing what he’s like and what he’s done.” He  was _awful_ and they continued to help him. He knew why Varric was doing it, but he had to assume that when all this was over with, he’d never give the man the time of day again.

Maybe they were just all as blind as he was.

\---

“Varric and I are the only ones who know all of it. We’ll cooperate with him for however long it takes to get you out of here.” The others knew something was wrong, but the didn’t know the extent of it. “His support is falling through. Even the people who still trust him know he’s unstable.”

\---

Merrill obviously knew a fair bit and she was no longer helping him. She hadn’t really had a choice in the matter. Aveline… maybe she’d change her mind if she’d known what he’d done. Even if she supported his work with the mages, surely she didn’t think they ought to be treated the way he was being treated. Fenris, though, Fenris would love it if he knew what had happened to him. What was still happening to him - he could practically hear him mocking him about a mage finally experiencing what it was like to be a slave.

The frown remained on his lips, troubled.

\---

“When my husband got tired of me rebelling and trying to escape, he started letting me go into town again. Hoping if he gave me a longer leash, I’d go back to the way he wanted me. But that’s where I met a pretty blonde elf who wanted to help me escape. He came to visit me while my husband was away and that was a wonderful diversion from my real life until my husband found out about the affair. He decided he wanted to be rid of me and that he’d lend me out to his friends so he could still make use of me. ....My lover had my husband assassinated and I ran.” She murmured, looking down at her hands. She knew Anders was skeptical of her, but hopefully he’d at least see the parallels in Varric coming to keep him distracted in his captivity. Not that she knew just how similar that circumstance was. “I’m just hoping we can get you out of here before it comes to anything like that.”

\---

His expression twisted. “No… I don’t want him dead.” Even with all he’d done, he couldn’t imagine wanting to have him killed. That part of him was the part that still loved the man he’d met. Even if he did, “Varric wouldn’t do that.” He’d never kill him, would he? Even if he did what he threatened to do and turned him in, he wouldn’t kill him. He didn’t know what Varric would do, but he wouldn’t kill him.

\---

“None of us want that. Varric is working on another way to keep you free from him. And now that I know, I can help.” She patted the mattress beside her. “Do you want to come sit with me, Handsome?” She didn’t know if he even wanted her to stay, much less be anywhere near her.

\---

He didn’t know how he was going to get out of here safely or how he was going to stop him from doing what he was doing, which was what mattered to him most. He hadn’t been able to stop him when he’d cared what he thought - if he could call it that - so how could he expected to stop him when he didn’t care about anything but revenge? He knew that he thought that what he was doing was right, but it still stemmed from what a single mage had done to his mother.

They had to stop him and they had to do so without killing him.

His eyes went to where she was summoning him and he looked down at the letter that had been written to him, telling him to take what comfort he could get from her. He swallowed, still scared of being close to her, even though there was no reason for him to be right now.

He ended up shifting somewhat closer, but not to where she indicated. “...I’m sorry you went through all that.”

\---

“It was a long time ago. Being forgotten and alone in a prison cell was a long time ago too.” She didn’t realize that had happened to Anders again. That Hawke had done it to him. But she knew it was a trauma he’d been through that was likely on his mind again now that he was being hurt by someone again. “I’m not looking for your sympathy. I’m just telling you that to some degree...I get it. I don’t want you to feel ashamed about what’s been done to you.”

\---

The mention of what had happened to him made his hands and his jaw tighten, his eyes turning away. Not all that long ago. He heard the rest of what she said, but he didn’t really react to it, knowing that she was trying to connect and comfort. He appreciated it and that she would reveal these kinds of things to help him, but he was dealing with a lot. A lot that only Varric knew how to combat.

\---

“You can talk about anything you want to. Or you can stay silent, if that’s what you want. I’m just going to be here to keep you company until Varric can come see you.” Of course, it was Hawke that would be back before Varric. But she didn’t want to remind him of that. She moved a little closer to him and reached to take one of his hands. It was a very simple touch, but one she felt she should try to see if he even wanted her to touch him.

\---

He flinched when she touched him, finding it hard not to react as he would have when he was tailoring himself to Hawke’s reactions. It hit him then, that Varric’s reaction was the complete opposite - he was sending the pirate to him with permission to… to what? He swallowed and his fingers shifted against hers in response.

\---

“It’s alright.” She murmured and used her thumb to stroke the back of his hand lightly. “We don’t have to touch if you don’t want to. I can just sit by you. Or I can leave if you’d rather be alone. But Varric told me you’d probably like to be held…”

\---

Varric was right. He did want to be held. He wanted to be held by Varric, but if he wasn’t here… Being held by someone else wouldn’t be so bad. He nodded, figuring she’d understand that he was referring to what she’d said last.

\---

“Then come here.” She tugged gently on his hand, pulling him back toward her and the pillows. She wrapped her arms around him, cradling him close to her. “Is that better?”

\---

He was tense as he was pulled into her, but when he let himself take it in, he eased. Touch was still so important to him that he would take it from anyone - he remembered a time when he would beg the the templars keeping watch to come inside and touch him. To remind him that he was still real.

They never did.

This hadn’t been like that. It hadn’t been long enough that he’d reduced himself into to begging for contact, but it still kind of felt the same way that had then when he was so hungry for touch.

He nodded.

\---

She could feel him relax in her hold and it felt rather nice for her too. She hadn’t touched him in a very long time and there was sensuality to holding someone close like this that she seldom indulged in. Her fingers ran through his hair, gently stroking the strands. She pressed a kiss to his cheek, fighting her instincts to be flirty with him and instead just nurture him with attention.

\---

She was a better height for him, but he still missed the dwarf. His dwarf. His eyes shut and he took in her attention, letting her touch and her kiss fill the emptiness that he left. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, finding that he wanted to apologize for the way he’d been around her, thanks to the charming rogue.

\---

“You don’t have to be sorry, Handsome.” She didn’t know exactly what he was apologizing for and it didn’t really matter. Her hand slid down from his hair, stroking lightly over his neck and then down beneath the collar of his robes. She felt the chain around his neck but thought little of it, moving right along beneath his robes to rub his shoulders.

\---

The touch on his skin was what he really needed and he willed her to continue, not wanting to make his need known. The only indication he gave of what he wanted was that he pressed closer to her when she began to rub his shoulders, approving of the touch that made his skin tingle.

\---

The pirate touched what she could of his shoulders, feeling the way he pressed into her at the direct touch. She didn’t doubt that it was what he needed, more than being held. “Can I untie these?” She asked softly, her fingers toying with the ties of his robe. She could access so much more of his torso with that out of the way.

\---

He nodded, finding it easier to give permission than to ask. His eyes still hadn’t opened, finding that easier as well. His hands hadn’t reached for her and still didn’t, though he was ready to push himself up enough to help ease his robes down.

\---

When permission was granted, she began to untie his robes, grateful for his help to push them down to his waist. He’d had a lot of time to heal from his wounds, but she could still see residual bruising left all over his skin. She pressed close to him, running her fingers over his arms and his chest with an expertise that Varric lacked, her lips peppering one of his shoulders with soft kisses as she touched him.

\---

He knew there was bruises, but he was so use to them that he forgot about them. He didn’t think about her seeing them and as she ran her hands over them, he was relieved she was touching them. He made a little sound, his hand slowly seeking her and coming to rest on her ribs when he found her.

\---

It was good to feel him touch her in return. She wasn’t expecting anything of him, but it was a sign that he was enjoying this along with the little sound she’d earned. She pressed kisses along his neck as her hands roamed him, one staying on his chest and the other trailing slowly down his back and caressing the curve of his hip.

\---

She was forward in her attention and he appreciated that. She didn’t bother to be tentative - she went for it and he found himself melting in response. His boyfriend had chosen his replacement well. He couldn’t pretend it was him, but he realized he didn’t need to.

\---

Touching him and tasting him again was nice, especially after being forbidden to even speak to him alone. She knew she couldn’t leave any marks and resisted the urge to suck on his neck, instead running her tongue up the length of it so she could start kissing along his jawline instead. Her hands stroked down his torso, making sure to touch all of the skin exposed to her.

\---

He moaned under his breath, the feel of her tongue making him tilt his head. There was the rasp of stubble on his jaw, about what it usually was - he was allowed to clean and groom himself, thankfully. The hand on her ribs began to slowly stroke along her side, feeling the curve held tight by her corset.

\---

“Do you want that off?” She asked him quietly between kisses along the shelf of his jaw. It had likely been a very long time since he’d had a pair of tits to play with and she was happy to let him now if that was what he wanted. If anything, he’d get more warmth from her body if both of their torsos were bare.

\---

His eyes finally opened and he looked at her out of the corner of them, his mind going between her, the dwarf, and the letter. He nodded and his hand went to the laces, pulling them loose and trying to pull the only thing keeping her tunic in place free. With it out of the way, he had access to basically everything, hand sliding up the slit near her thigh and finding her breast beneath it.

\---

A soft moan escaped her when his hand sought her tit. She pressed into the touch, her tongue sliding out to tease the curve of his jaw up to his ear. She began to kick off her boots, wanting her legs bare as she tangled them with Anders’.

\---

He  kneaded her, his fingers feeling her up far harder than necessary. It had been a long time since he’d felt a woman’s chest and it’d been even longer still since felt a woman fill up his hand the way she did. Her chest was so sizable and he was greedy in his groping.

He pressed himself into her, trying to get as much contact as he could as she tangled their bodies.

\---

The rough handling was doing a lot for her and she smiled against his skin. He’d definitely been missing breasts. She pulled back from her kisses just long enough to tug off her tunic, exposing her chest in full and leaving her in only her panties. “Better?”

\---

His eyes fell to take her in and his cock, which had already begun to show interest, stiffened even further. “Better,” he murmured, though he was beginning to shake somewhat. He was scared, even as he began to lose himself in her. He leaned down to start licking her skin, but he couldn’t hold off even for her sake and his lips slid right to her nipple to suck.

\---

Isabela watched him hungrily, her fingers sliding into his hair to stroke and encourage him while he suckled on her. She could feel him growing hard against her thigh and that only heated her more. She knew no better way to comfort him and she wanted to give this to him. “I’ve missed your mouth.” She breathed to him in a husky whisper, remembering all the things he’d once done for her with his tongue.

\---

He knew what she meant and it made him pause, looking up at her. He wasn’t sure if she was just telling him, or if it was a subtle request, but surely she knew he was without his magic? “I’m sorry I can’t use my magic…” There, if she didn’t know, she knew now. He ran his hand along her side and he normally would’ve but some sparks into it, mentioning his magic like that, but there was nothing but the warmth of his skin.

\---

“I know…” She smiled down to him, moving one hand from his hair to stroke it down his cheek. “But that’s alright. You were good with your mouth even without your magic.”

\---

His lips twitched and his eyes fell back to what was in front of him, closing his lips back around her and sucking hard. It was strangely comforting to suck on her and he occupied his hand with touching everything that made her distinctly womanly. Her hips, her ass, her waist, he was obviously missing a lot more than just breasts.

\---

She melted beneath his sucking and his wandering hands, moaning for him and pressing her chest forward for him to suckle as much as he wanted. “That’s so good…” She purred to him, stroking his hair once more while he kept his mouth busy.

\---

Anders sucked her raw and when he was done, he moved up to capture her lips in a feverish kiss, his hand beginning to work to push his robes down. He wasn’t wearing anything beneath them, so as soon as he got them off, he was bare and his cock was pressing into her hip.

\---

She returned the kiss hungrily and when he was free, she reached down for him to start stroking him. “You’re so big…” She hadn’t forgotten, but it was so nice to have her hand around it again. “I want to suck you. You can have a taste of me too if you want it…” She said in a soft moan, dipping her free hand into her panties, then lifting her fingers to Anders’ lips so he could taste how wet she’d gotten for him.

\---

He closed his lips around her finger and sucked - she tasted so good. It made him want more, to sink between her legs and let that wetness coat his cock, but for some reason, realizing that, he was struck with an intense rush of anxiety. He pulled back from her, his eyes wide and his heart pounding, feeling for the letter.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if I can.” His fingers found the parchment and he pulled it in, reading it from the top. _Take whatever comfort you need from her._ “I don’t know.” He pushed it at her, so she could read it, so she could see what he meant and she could tell him if it was okay. “Can I?”

\---

His sudden withdrawal surprised her and she was confused by his words, but the offer of the letter perked her. She’d wanted to read it in the first place. She looked it over, not sure what to make of what it said or Anders’ anxiety of making sure Varric was okay with what they were doing. She’d get into it later, right now, she wanted to suck his cock. “He told you to take whatever comfort you need from me. He told me to hold you, touch you, kiss you. ‘Do whatever keeps you comfortable’. Of course you can.”

\---

He was surprised to hear that he’d told her to touch and kiss him. If he’d told her that… then he must have meant it. His heart was still pounding, but he nodded. It was okay. “...Okay.” He nodded, but he still needed a little time to relax and accept it.

\---

“It’s alright.” She assured him, using her hands to ease him back down on the pillows. She turned herself around so her ass was up in the air and he would have a good view of it as she bent down and took the head of his cock into her mouth, sucking it with the same hunger he’d been sucking her tit with.

\---

He groaned as soon as her mouth closed around him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been sucked - he’d done a lot of sucking and not getting sucked in return. He watched her mouth for a time, but his eyes couldn’t help but wander to what she was showing off and his fingers began to stroke over her ass and her thighs.

\---

She worked him with her tongue, wanting to give him a thorough massage with it before she took him deeper. When his hand started to caress her, she gave her ass an inviting wiggle, her panties damp and clinging to her slit.

\---

He slid his fingers between her legs, feeling the fabric that was covering her. Warm and wet. His cock throbbed in her mouth as he peeled the fabric aside and ran his finger through her slit. Even warmer and wetter. “Isabela…” He dipped a couple of his fingers inside of her, then drew them out to rub them between her lips, brushing her clit as he explored her.

\---

She made a soft, needy sound as he brushed over her clit, pressing her hips back needily for him. She started to draw him deeper into her mouth, sucking him hard and sliding her fingers down to massage his sack. He was such a mouthful and she loved it, taking him deep with ease.

\---

He moaned, his eyes flicking between what she was doing and what he was doing. He could feel what she wanted from him and he gave it to her, but started off simply, just lightly rubbing his finger against her. Barely touching her, letting the pad of his finger do all the work with the help of her slickness.

\---

She moaned around his cock when he started to rub her, her throat vibrating around him. She was so eager to be touched and the light rubbing was a tease, but she was loving it. After awhile, she pulled off of him, taking over with her hand so he wouldn’t lose all stimulation. “Hungry, Handsome? I want to feel your tongue while I suck you…” It wouldn’t take much maneuvering to straddle him so he could taste her while she worked and she lapped hungrily at his cock while she waited for an answer. If only he could add that spark to his tongue that he’d once used to drive her wild.

\---

He nodded, sliding his hand slide away from her center and giving her ass a squeeze and leaving a wet mark on her skin. He used his grip on it to tug her over, so she could get into position. He wanted to taste her and as soon as she was close enough, he was leaning up to follow the path his fingers had taken through her slit with his tongue.

\---

She loved to be tasted and her thighs gave a shiver of delight as soon as his tongue ran through her folds. She drew his cock back into her mouth, bobbing on him enthusiastically, her fingers going back to kneading his sack. He was so thick and she loved the way he filled the back of her throat when she took him deep.

\---

Her eagerness fed his own and after getting a through tasting of her juices, he closed his lips around her clit and sucked hard, rubbing his tongue against it firmly. All of the teasing was behind him - it’d been a long time since he’d done this and he was enjoying it as much as he had sucking on her nipples.

\---

The pirate moaned deeply around his cock, desperate for the way he sucked her and worked her with his tongue. She pushed him deep into her throat again and again, letting him fuck her mouth deeply, her thumb working the sensitive place just behind his balls while she massaged him.

\---

His moans joined hers, his hands gripping her thighs firmly as he took the pleasure and tried to meet it. Everything she was doing felt so fucking good and he wanted to make her feel the same. His tongue was working intently, stroking this way and that, trying to find which spot felt best and then the best way to lick her there. He wanted her squirming and pressing herself into his face, smothering him, for more.

\---

She liked it all, but it didn’t take him long to find her favorite spot. He got just what she wanted and she pressed into him, her body writhing with pleasure and need. She pulled back on his cock to do a little more tongue work of her own. She used her hand to stroke the length of him that was no longer in her mouth, using her tongue to work his most sensitive spots while she sucked him hard.

\---

His thighs shook and she was working him so well that his head fell back abruptly, filling the room with his voice as his cock throbbed dangerously. So close to filling her mouth with his load, his hands squeezing her thighs so hard that he’d leave behind bruises when they were done.

\---

She could tell how close he was and she didn’t mind at all that he had to stop what he’d been doing. She began to stroke him harder and faster, working her tongue near his tip so she’d be ready to catch his load. She wanted to taste it, to swallow all of it down.

\---

It didn’t take much of that treatment to bring him to, his head tipping back as he moaned without restraint, his cock pulsing as it filled her mouth with several warm spurts of seed. His hands relaxed and he was left catching his breath, his cock still twitching.

\---

It was more than she expected but she was still milking him greedily even after she’d swallowed his load. She licked and sucked at his tip, making sure she got it all. “You really needed that.” She murmured when she was sure he was finished, kissing his cock before she released it so massage his thighs.

\---

He didn’t want to think of it that way. He’d been getting plenty with his dwarf… but it had been a long time since he’d been sucked. He’d needed it in so far as that much. “You’re really good at that,” he complimented her, still panting, though he silenced himself by grabbing her and pulling down to meet him so he could pick up where he left off in licking and sucking her.

\---

She answered with a gasp and then a low moan when he got back to work, her hands gripping his thighs. “You’re good at that too, Handsome. And I’ve got all night to suck you dry.” She’d suck him again for sure, but she wanted him to fuck her too. She was certain she could coax him into that once he’d had a little time to recover and this was a great way to occupy himself until he did.

\---

If they weren’t going to be back until tomorrow, he did want her to stay. Even if they weren’t doing this all night, he didn’t want to be alone. If she wanted to do this all night, though… he was entirely willing. It was the best way he had to pass time. He still did not dare leave the bedroom - that left little to do and this gave him that feeling of closeness and intimacy that he craved so strongly.

\---

She groaned and pushed back into him, loving every little pass of his tongue. By the time she was getting close to her end, she slid a hand to start rubbing and squeezing his cock gingerly again. It was early to start coaxing him hard again, but she knew how to do so in a way that wouldn’t overstimulate him while he was sensitive. She wanted him good and ready to fuck her by the time she got off for the first time that day.

\---

He shuddered when she began to touch him, but she wasn’t making it too difficult for him for him to focus on what he was doing. He was sensitive, but it wasn’t enough to have him shying away from her, thanks to her handling. He was tempted to clean up her slit again, able to feel that she’d made a mess of herself since he’d last licked it, but that could come after. He could tell she was getting close and he wanted to hear her crying out ecstasy, rather than frustration.

\---

He earned the cries he wanted when his attentions pushed her over the edge, her thighs trembling as she moaned out her delight desperately. Her orgasm was long and satisfying and when she’d ridden it out, she pulled away from him so she could turn around to face him. She was smiling and she leaned down to kiss him, wanting to taste herself on his tongue. “How do you want to fuck me?” She breathed against his lips, her voice so low and needy despite still recovering from getting off.

\---

She pulled away from him before he could do what he wanted, but he didn’t really mind when he found a different set of lips on his own. His hands lifted to touch her sides, stroking them and seeking out a breast to squeeze, before returning to his simpler touches. “On your hands and knees,” he told her, knowing he could pound her deeply that way.

\---

“I can do that…” She thoroughly enjoyed his groping and she did a little more of her own, reaching down between them to stroke him now that he’d had a little more time to recover. As soon as he was hard again, she could get into position for him. “I bet you’ll be hard for me in no time…”

\---

Anders took in a deep breath as she began to stroke him, his eyes heated. Rather than answer, since his body was doing a fine job of that on its own, he kissed her deeply, working his tongue onto her mouth from the start. He could taste himself. Not sweet, but still good. Or so he thought.

\---

She made a soft sound into the kiss, tasting herself as well on his tongue. She worked him with her hand until he was nice and thick again, then broke the kiss with a smile. “You ready to take me, Handsome?” He’d filled her throat already, now she was aching for him to fill her somewhere else.

\---

Again, rather than answer, he let his body do the talking. He grabbed her and flipped her over onto her hands and knees. He moved up behind her and took hold of her hips, pulling her back against him so he could grind into her. It’d been a long time since he’d had this much control and he found himself exerting all of it. When he positioned his cock, he shoved it into her roughly, using his hold on her to take her hard.

\---

She didn’t at all mind his assertiveness. She liked a man who knew what he wanted, at least most of the time. And she knew he likely hadn’t been allowed to be assertive in a long time. The pirate moaned out his name when he pushed into her, her fingers curling up into the sheets as she braced herself for a hard fuck.

\---

He looked down to where he was stretching her, enjoying the sight of his cock sinking into her over and over. This view was a pleasant one in general and he let his hands slide down to squeeze her ass, keeping her cheeks pulled apart so he could watch the way her body took him. He knew her tits were bouncing for him and though he couldn’t see them like this, he could picture it and everything about at was arousing.

He grunted and groaned, not holding back at all.

\---

The way he gripped her ass was nice and she pushed back into him, eager to meet his thrusts. Her moans matched his sounds, equally loud and shameless. It was just the two of them, after all. She didn’t even have any neighbors to bother while they were here. Her tits were indeed bouncing from his efforts, her body at the mercy of his pounding.

\---

Even though he’d said he wanted it this way, after pounding her ass red, he grabbed her and after pulling out, flipped her over to her back. He grabbed her shins and pushed them in, bending her legs and pressing his weight into her to sink back in. He rolled his hips into hers, having to let go of her to brace himself against the bed beneath her as he took her with a feverish pace.

\---

With her legs up this way, she wasn’t really able to meet his thrusts. She was truly at the mercy of his hips now and that was fine with her. She moaned for him, able to watch him now as he took her. As for him, at least now he’d have a proper view of the way her tits were jostled by the joining of their hips.

\---

His eyes did fix on her chest for a time, but eventually they moved up and found her face. She looked beautiful like this, the heat in her expression and in her skin, making it rosy and reflecting his own. His eyes settled on hers and even though everything about her was wonderful, he found himself wishing that it was different pair of eyes he was looking into.

It didn’t make him want to stop, but he knew even at the height of this exchange, it wasn’t her that he really wanted.

\---

She smiled as she met his gaze, though it was hard to maintain as she grew more breathless. “It’s so good…” She moaned to him, her fingers deeping down between them to start rubbing at her clit, still sensitive enough after all the treatment it had gotten from him to make her squirm beneath him as soon as she touched herself.

\---

“No, don’t do that,” he murmured, his voice husky. “I want you to cum on my tongue.” He wanted to fill her up and then make her writhe on his face before it spilled out of her. He accented the demand with a pause in which he held himself in her as deep as he could, pressing and waiting for her answer.

\---

Her fingers left her slit immediately, quick to comply with such a promising request. “I’ll cum hard for you…” She promised him breathlessly. She had done so once already, but after a pounding like this, she’d really writhing for the second one. Her hands moved instead to his sides, stroking along them as she waited for him to resume.

\---

He didn’t hesitate, picking up where he left off and making the bed shudder beneath them. He groaned as his hips took on a desperate pace, the sound of their smacking skin and of his cock sliding against her wet walls making him shiver. He was throbbing inside her, from arousal as much as from how close he was, and his expression was of complete canarality.

It was only a little longer until he was crying out and cumming inside her, filling her up with a load as large as what she’d already swallowed.

\---

She moaned deeply as he took her wildly, letting him take all that he needed from her body. Her body was starting to shake along with the bed, so deeply pleasured but not getting the stimulation to her clit that she needed to tumble over the edge, but she was happy to wait. When she felt him pump her full of his seed, she stroked his back, encouraging him to give her all that he had. “Anders…” She moaned out, needing to call him by his name as heated as she was.

\---

When his hips finished their trembling, he slid out of her slowly, sighing and trying to catch his breath. He hesitated only briefly, before shifting back and settling between her legs. He wrapped his arms around her thighs and dove in, finding the spot that had driven her wild before and working his tongue against it intently.

\---

As sensitive and so close to release as she was, she cried out as soon as he started to feast on her. Her hips squirmed wildly, her fingers burying themselves into his hair. “Don’t stop! Don’t stop!” She cried for him, her entire body starting to shake.

\---

Even though his interest wasn’t what it would’ve been before he came, her reactions were still rewarding. He had to stop himself from smiling, so as to not interrupt her pleasure, sucking as he worked her with his tongue. His eyes were fixed upwards, enjoying the view as she lost control of herself.

\---

It took no time at all to get her off the second time, her hips bucking almost hard enough to make him lose his grip on her as she came. Her moans filled the room and it took her some time to come down from it, leaving her sprawled on his mattress. There was a pleasure-drunk smile on her face, her chest heaving as she worked to catch her breath.

\---

When he was certain she was finished, he dropped himself beside her on the bed, not even bothering to move up. His head laid level with her hips while he took the time to rest and actually come down from his release, unlike before.

\---

She needed a little time to recover herself, content to stroke her fingers absently through his hair while they rested. She left him that way until her body had completely cooled, then finally started to use her hands to urge him up toward the pillows. “Come here, Handsome. We can cuddle.”

\---

He didn’t need to be told twice. He moved up and laid beside her, wanting to be touched and held as much as he had when she’d pulled him in earlier. Despite the display of dominance, he was still very much vulnerable and it showed in his demeanor as he moved in tentatively.

\---

When he was close enough, her arms wrapped around him, welcoming him back up to settle beside her. He breasts were pressed to his chest, which she knew would also likely relax him more than the rest of the skin-to-skin contact. “I’ve got some questions for you.” She murmured once they were settled. Her body had cooled from all the excitement and now she was ready to talk about what she’d been too horny to get nosy about earlier. “Why were you so worried about the wording of Varric’s letter? Why would you need his permission to have sex with me?”

\---

He let out a breath when their bodies pressed together, the slight tension that had built in his approach easing. He wrapped an arm around her waist and let his breathing sync with hers. The question surprised him and his brow knitted, having thought she’d known. It seemed she’d been telling the truth when she’d said that he hadn’t told her much of anything - she hadn’t even known about what had happened in the pantry.

“...I’m with him.” A temporary relationship, per their agreement, but that didn’t mean he didn’t take it seriously.

\----

“What?” Her brows shot up, very invested in this new bit of gossip. Her fingers continued to trail over his back, wanting him to keep talking. “You’re _with_ Varric? You’ve officially left Hawke for Varric?”

\---

“...No. You think he would keep me here if he knew?” If he knew that he’d been fucking Varric, much less ‘leaving him’ for him, he’d already be in the Circle. He’d already be tranquil. “I’m not his. I don’t want to be his and Varric… he said I could be his instead until I get out of here.” He wanted to make it clear that this wasn’t something that would last, not wanting her to get the the wrong idea. “I didn’t want to cheat on him.”

\---

“Well, of course he doesn’t know. I just mean in secret - you’ve decided Hawke doesn’t have your heart any more and you’re with Varric instead.” Even if only very temporarily. Which in her eyes, was the ideal way to have a relationship. “That was so sweet of Varric to share you with me for the day. Have you fucked him?” She asked intently, unphased by asking such a blunt question.

\---

It was sweet of him. So sweet. He just needed to make sure that it was okay. He’d been convinced in the moment, but he would feel sick if they’d been wrong. If he’d read too much into what they’d been told and he’d cheated on him while he was away. He nodded to her question, not surprised she wanted to know, but offering nothing as the anxiety from earlier gnawed at him.

\---

“Seriously? Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to get into his trousers?” She wondered how Anders had gotten him to break his rule about fucking people he knew. She clung to him, pressing close. “Details! Is he big for a dwarf? I bet he is. Is his cock pierced?”

\---

“Isabela…” He didn’t want to talk about Varric’s cock with her. He didn’t think it would be appreciated, as much as he enjoyed it. He would have only good things to say about it. “All that matters is that I’m his and that he fucks me every time he visits.” That was all that mattered to him.

\---

“Well, it’s a nice mental image, even if you won’t give me the details to fantasize properly.” She pressed a kiss to his jaw, happy enough with the secrets she’d been told. Her hand moved up from his back to start massaging his shoulder instead. “I’ve lived with him for so long and I’ve walked in on him naked more than once, but I’ve never gotten a good enough glimpse of him. I still don’t know if he’s pierced, but one time I did see that he’s a good size even when he’s not at full mast.” She said with a wistful sigh.

\---

He couldn’t help but chuckle, finding her antics amusing. “I could bore you with details you don’t care about… Like how he tells me how pretty I am all the time. He basically compliments me in poems.” Just talking about it brought a little heat to his cheeks, but he looked pleased.

\---

“I knew it! I knew he’d be a cheesy romantic.” She seemed thrilled with the information and she grinned to him. “Does he tell you how pretty your eyes are while he’d pounding you into the mattress?” She rocked her hips into his a few times, mimicking just what she was imagining.

\---

He laughed, a little louder as she made an example of her inquiry. He didn’t really answer, moving on, “All we do is fuck and talk and he treats me better than-” His voice trailed off, his eyes falling. “I miss him.” It hadn’t even been a full day at this point, but he felt so wrong without him.

\---

“You’re so sweet.” She couldn’t help but smile and kiss his cheek when he became solemn so quickly. “I know you miss him. I know how good someone new can feel after a relationship like the one you’ve had. He’ll be back in your arms tomorrow.”

\---

“He’s not even someone new… He’s someone that’s been there all along and I think… I-... I don’t know.” It wasn’t as if he could’ve just change what happened. It wasn’t as if he could just replace the man he’d ended up and make everything okay, but he couldn’t help but wonder what might’ve happened. The dwarf had made it clear that he’d been thinking about him in that way, to some degree, for some time.

\---

“You think maybe you should have gotten sweet on him earlier?” She asked with a raise of her brow, shifting to massage his other shoulder. “He’s pretty closed off to relationships. I’ve seen people try. But he broke his aversion to having sex with people he knows for you, so maybe he would have broken his aversion to relationships for you too.”

\---

He shook his head, brushing the thought away. “No… I know better..” Her confirmation that he wasn’t the type to want someone in that way had abandoning the sentiment entirely. “He probably just feels sorry for me.” That was why he came and why he gave him everything he asked of him, nothing more.

\----

“He might. I know he’d do just about anything to help you get through this.” It was the kind of person the dwarf was once he got invested in someone. “Or maybe you’ve put a dent in one of the walls he keeps up around that little heart of his. Maybe he’s finally ready to move past Bianca.”

\---

“I don’t think so.” What could he have done? All they’d had were cards and drinks and once he’d moved out of the bar, they’d barely had that. He’d molded his entire life around one person and the only friendship that had really survived was Varric’s. If this had continued on, perhaps even that would have faded in time.

He was being too negative. He didn’t want to think about these what ifs. The good what ifs seemed impossible and the bad what ifs were upsetting.

“He wants me for now… That’s good enough.”

\---

“Of course it is. You’ve gotten further than anyone else with him.” She chuckled, letting her fingers stroke down his back again. “Much further than me.” She’d hoped that perhaps Varric had opened up to Anders about Bianca and that speaking of her like she knew anything about it would entice him to discuss it with her. But if the mage knew anything about it, he was staying tight-lipped.

\---

He nodded and shut his eyes, his stomach squirming. He felt… conflicted. Not good or bad, but wishing that he could distract himself by just being in his arms. There, it didn’t matter if it lasted. He could appreciate it for what it was and know that when he got out, even if he never saw him again, he could always think fondly of him.

\---

When he didn’t answer, she knew he was troubled. Her hand moved to find one of his and guided it to her breast. Boobs made for excellent stress relief. “Let’s rest a little longer. Then we can decide if we’re making tea or if I’m sucking you dry again.” Either one sounded good to her.


	40. Chapter 40

Hawke had returned late the next morning, a few hours after Isabela had taken her leave. The man was exhausted and he apologized for letting Anders off his chain for such a short time, letting him bathe and do whatever else he needed and feeding him before putting him back in the bedroom so he could get some sleep. He’d slept through the day and once he was up, he could still only let Anders roam free for a short time before he had to get back out to the city and back to work. He kissed his boyfriend after chaining him once more, promising to be back before sunrise before he headed out for the night.

It wasn’t long before Varric made his appearance, greeted at the bedroom door by a mabari who was thrilled to have their regular visit back. After he gave his peace offering to the dog, he stepped into the room and smiled to his mage. “Evening, Blondie.”

\---                                                            

The day had been miserable. He’d been upset when Hawke returned and after barely having any time off the chain, the rest of the day was spent in waiting. When the man left, the excitement began to build in his stomach and when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, he practically jumped off of the bed.

“Varric!” As soon as he came into view, he was trying to go to him, brought to a sudden halt by the chains as they offered him only a few footsteps from the bed.

\---

He could see Anders’ eagerness to get to him and he didn't hesitate, rushing to him to get the chains off of him. “I'm glad to see you too Blondie. I know Rivaini had to leave early and you were stuck here alone all day.”

\---

As soon as the chains fell, he was on his knees and embracing him. “I missed you.” He hadn’t known he could miss him so, but he had. Even with company, he’d missed him. “How long can you stay?”

\---

“I missed you too.” He’d missed him and had worried about him while he'd been away. He hugged him tightly, appreciating how easy it was when Anders came down to his level. “I can stay until dawn. I know he's not coming back before that.”

\---

His heart quickened to hear that he didn’t have to make this a quick visit. That he could stay. He found his lips and pressed several kisses to them, not at all shy with his excitement to have him here. “Thank the Maker.”

\---

“Don't thank him yet. You might be sick of me by sunrise.” He teased between a few eager kisses of his own. He was just as glad to have a nice long visit with him. “Was Rivaini a good enough substitute for me yesterday?”

\---

He smiled, shaking his head. He didn’t think he could get sick of him. It faded a little with the mention of Isabela and he pulled back to look at him, his anxiety returning. “She was…” He hands began to wring, unsure of how to broach the topic… even though he’d already kind of broached it.

\---

“What is it? Did something go wrong?” He asked with a raise of his brow, surprised by the change in his demeanor at the question. He moved to take a seat on the bed, tugging Anders along so he could get off his knees and sit beside him.

\---

He followed after him, but left a little space. Though he trusted him, he couldn’t help but feel a little fear with what they were going to be talking about. “...Nothing went wrong. I just-... In your letter, you said I could take whatever comfort I needed…” He couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

\---

“Of course I did.  I didn’t tell her that we were involved, but I told her that if you wanted it, she should _give_ you whatever comfort you need from her.” He would have expected Anders to press into him right away, but since there was space left between them, he reached to take his hand.

\---

He nodded, relieved to hear it. It wasn’t completely easing his concern, though. “I- I didn’t _really_ want her. I wanted you, but you weren’t there and- and-” He found himself trying to explain it, even though it was supposedly okay. He didn’t want to think that he’d done something wrong by letting himself lose himself in her.

\---

“And…” He could see that he was struggling to talk about it, even after the reassurance. “And you had sex with her? It’s fine, Blondie. I encouraged you to do whatever you needed to. You need a lot of intimacy right now and I didn’t want you to have to go so long without it if I had to be away…”

\---

Hearing it said so bluntly, he tensed and then his expression twisted. He threw himself on the dwarf, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face into his shoulder as he teared up. “Varric.” He didn’t even know what to say - he’d cared so much about his well-being that he’d not only given him leave to sleep with someone else, but he’d basically helped it happen.

\---

“It’s alright…” He cradled him close, stroking his hair as pressed in close. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d like to have you all to myself. But it’s not about me right now - you need that closeness while you recover and when I can’t give it to you, I want you to have it from someone else.”

\---

He tightened his hold on him, trying to get as close as he could. “I don’t want anyone else.” After hearing what he had to say about it, he knew that more than ever. “Varric, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. You’re so good to me, I shouldn’t have.” That he’d been so understanding made him feel all the guiltier for having done it.

\---

“Of course you should have. I wanted you to and I’m glad you did.” He could tell Anders couldn’t get close enough and so he shifted to settle into the mage’s lap. He’d have prefered to pull Anders into his own, but then the man would tower over him and it would make cuddling up even harder.

\---

He was glad when he moved in, taking the opportunity to basically curl himself into him. “I don’t want anyone else.” When he could bring himself to lift his head, he pressed his face into the dwarf’s, kissing him and rubbing their cheeks together.

\---

He smiled against his lips and gave him some kisses of it his own. “Then just be mine. ...But if I have to leave you for more than a day again, I want you to do whatever you need to. You’ve suffered enough without having to suffer on my behalf.”

\---

“I don’t need anyone else.” Even if he was left alone, he didn’t need someone else’s touches and comforts. “Waiting for you… well, I suppose it _is_ suffering, but it’s a suffering I don’t mind. As long as you come, I can wait.” He couldn’t get enough of him and he was feverish in his little kisses.

\---

“You’re sweet, Blondie.” He didn’t doubt that he really did need someone else if he was going to be away. If he had to go out for that long again, he’d still send him someone. But it was sweet that he didn’t want anyone else. He returned the brief, heated kisses, holding him tightly. “I can’t wait to get you out of here.”

\---

“Me too.” Getting out threw a lot of things into the air, including their relationship, but he still wanted to get out of this room. To go back to Varric’s room and sleep on his bed and cuddle with not only him, but the cat that had won their hearts. “I want you, Varric,” he murmured to him, his fingers clutching tightly at his jacket.

\---

“I’m yours to enjoy.” He started to untie his robes, eager to get at his skin and knowing Anders was just as eager for his hands to be all over him. “I can’t wait to tell Rivaini that she just doesn’t compare. That you were wanting me instead.” He smirked, stealing another kiss from him as he slid his robes down his shoulders.

\---

His. His dwarf. He smiled and returned the favor of stripping his torso. “No one compares. It feels so good when you touch me and when you’re deep inside me.” He loved the way he felt everywhere. “I missed you so much.”

\---

“I’m glad to hear it. It just so happens that I love being deep inside of you.” He ran his fingers over Anders’ chest and shoulders now that they were bare, but his eyes dropped as well. He was always checking him for new bruises and he was relieved that he didn’t have any. “I missed you too, Blondie. When I got home this morning, I got myself off thinking about you…”

\---

His smile grew, a hand sliding down to give his ass a squeeze. “Did you think about my lips or somewhere else?” He wanted to know what he’d pictured as he’d touched himself, so thrilled to know that he’d thought of him. He was enjoying pecking his lips and he continued to take what he could get as he touched him return.

\---

“I started thinking about your lips.” He reached down to squeeze Anders through his robes, feeling through the fabric for the underside of the tip of his cock - a spot he really liked himself - and rubbed his thumb against it. “I rubbed myself like this and imagined it was your tongue. And when I started really stroking myself…” He wrapped his fingers around him as well as he could through his robes and worked him for a demonstration. “...then I imagined you were riding me.”

\---

The demonstration did wonders for him and his cock was quick to thicken. “I can do that - I can make your thoughts reality.” He would lick him, just like that, then ride him until he was sweating and panting and all he could do was give up his seed. The next time he touched himself, he wouldn’t have to think of anything new.


	41. Chapter 41

A few days later, Hawke returned from a grueling mission, feeling that something was lacking. He was exhausted as he made his way to Anders’ bedroom, finding Pickles waiting for him at the door as he usually was. The mabari’s tail wagged a little, but his head was low and tiny whine escaped him. He never knew what to expect from his master. Hawke patted his head and the mabari gave his hand a relieved lick, knowing that if he stayed quiet and out of the way, there probably wouldn’t be any trouble.

The rogue made his way to the bed, always quick to let Anders free of his chains as soon as he got home. But normally he released him and didn’t pay him much mind until he was ready to sit down with him, eat, and talk about the day. Tonight, he unlocked his chains and pulled him in close, embracing him. He hadn’t wanted to hold him in a long time, but tonight, he needed it.

\---

Varric had left, so he knew the footsteps on the stairs weren’t his. Even if he hadn’t, it wasn’t as if he could confuse them. They didn’t sound like his footsteps. They were distinct - a sound he’d come to know and dread. Not that all that much happened when Hawke was home. If anything, it was kind of nice because he was allowed to leave the bedroom… for no other reason than to tend to the house, of course, but it was better than laying in chains.

He sat up when the rogue entered the bedroom, holding out his wrists and waiting to be released. He’d be expected to tend to his armor and make dinner, but after that, he was free to do what he wanted as long as the house was kept and he was quiet. What he didn’t expect was the arms around him and he tensed, leaning away from him and putting his hands between them to push him back.

\---

“Don’t. I just want to hold you.” He moved the hands that the mage was using to push him away, then reinforced his embrace. He didn’t blame Anders for being wary. The man had been hurt badly by him, after all. But tonight, he just wanted to be close to him. “I missed you.”

\---

He remained tense, though he didn’t try to stop him. He just remained as he was, not returning the embrace, but taking what was being given to him. He didn’t like being touched by him and he was waiting for it to end, hoping that it would come with each passing second.

\---

“I missed you.” He repeated, continuing to hold him and resting his head on his shoulder. “I miss my family. I was helping this family today and...it made me miss the way everything used to be. We were all happy.” His heart was aching and he found himself nuzzling his cheek lightly against Anders’, seeking comfort he knew his lover wouldn’t want to give.

\---

“...Bethany is still alive,” he reminded him, something cautious to his voice. It wasn’t the same as it use to be, but he hadn’t lost everything and really… the way he was these days, she was right where he wanted her. So he had that much to be grateful for. He knew that he missed his mother, but he wasn’t really sure what he could say about that. He wished he could say that she’d be proud of him, but he didn’t really think she would be, so he chose to say nothing at all.

\---

“I know she is. I don’t get to see her as much anymore, though. The templars are acting strangely around me.” He didn’t realize that Varric was actively damaging his reputation in town, including with the Chantry, but he’d noticed the difference in the way he’d been treated. “I’m glad I still have you, but I know I haven’t been a good boyfriend lately.” He turned his head to press a kiss to his cheek. “I’m sure you’re ready for your bath and I could use one to. Let’s go take one together.”

\---

This change was scaring him. He didn’t want to be naked around him and so as he pulled back from him, he tried to offer an alternative. “If you’re not feeling well, why don’t you let me take care of you? You can take a bath and I’ll make dinner and when you’re all clean and dry, I’ll have something ready for you to eat.” He’d much prefer that.

\---

“That’s sweet of you, but I really need to be with you tonight. We can take a bath together and then I’ll help you with dinner. Like we used to.” He wanted a little bit of that familiarity tonight. He leaned in to close the distance that Anders had created, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

\---

He’d gotten use to taking kisses from him, simple as they were, and so he didn’t react to it. “...Okay.” He didn’t want to, but he knew that refusing him could result in something he didn’t want even more.

\---

“Maybe you can sleep in my bed tonight too. If you want a change of scenery.” He knew Anders spent countless hours in this bedroom and was probably getting sick of it. He started to move for the door, taking Anders’ hand to pull him along to the bathroom.

\---

“...I don’t know if I’m ready for that, Garrett.” He didn’t want to get in his bed. He knew what would be expected from him in his bed and he didn’t want to. He followed after him, reluctantly, though he did well at not letting it show. “I think it was a good idea to sleep in separate beds and I think we should keep doing that for a while.”

\---

“You may be right.” He didn’t want to get too attached to him again. Knowing that he may very well have to give Anders to the templars eventually. But it was hard not to when he still loved him. ”We’ll see.” He released his hand when they reached the bathroom, drawing the bath for them and beginning to heat the water before he got undressed. He hadn’t paid the Circle to use their healers in a while since he hadn’t been seriously injured, so he was covered in bruises and shallow gashes in various stages of healing.

\---

Anders saw the wounds and they made him frown… he didn’t want him hurt. Even if his feelings for him had changed a lot, he didn’t want him hurt or killed. He looked away, not wanting to undress himself, especially since he’d spent the day fucking his boyfriend. He didn’t think it would be obvious by the look of him, but he couldn’t help but feel paranoid, even though they took care to leave no  sign of their trysts.

He knew he had to, though, and he reluctantly began to pull off his robes, turning away from the rogue to give himself the illusion of privacy.

\---

“You’ve healed up nicely.” He murmured when Anders’ back was bared to him. He had last seen him bare with so many cuts and bruises. He moved to him, running his fingers down his spine. “Let’s get in.” The tub was large and luxurious, plenty of room for them both though they hadn’t bathed together in a long time.

\---

He flinched at the touch, his arms folding in front of himself. He didn’t say anything, not wanting to draw attention to his reaction, he just went to the tub and slipped in. He intentionally went to one end of it, facing the other. He’d rather having to look at him than having to touch him, so he hoped the position would dissuade him from wanting to stay close.

\---

Hawke seemed content enough with that at the start. He took his own side of the tub, taking the time to scrub his skin and his hair. It was only when he was ready to relax and soak that he ventured to Anders’ side. He wrapped his arms around him, pressing their bare bodies together. “I love you.”

\---

He was quick to wash himself, just in case, as well as in the hopes of getting out sooner rather than later. He had a lot of hopes, but they helped him none as he was approached. He pressed back into the tub, but there was no where to go because he’d already been pressing as much as he could.

“Garrett, please…”

\---

“Why are you trying to get away from me? I’m not hurting you. I haven’t held you like this in a long time…” He would have expected Anders to be lonely. To be craving his touch. “Don’t you miss me a little?”

\---

“I’m not ready,” he told him, beginning to tremble. “Please, aren’t you hungry? I have to start dinner for you.” He was trying to frame it in a way that might please him, offering to take care of him.

\---

“Not ready for what?! I’m not bending you over to fuck you, Anders. I’m just trying to hold you.” He held him tighter, frustrated with his aversion to him. “I thought you’d appreciate a little touch after so long. Or is it that you want me to touch you someplace else before we go back to cuddling?” He moved a hand to Anders’ cock beneath the water, giving him a squeeze.

\---

He shrank, shaking harder as he began to anger him. “No, stop it.” His hand shot down and he pushed it off of him. “I’m sorry, I’m not ready. I’m not.” Not ready to be touched at all, but especially not ready to be touched there.

\---

He grabbed him by the wrist he’d used to push him a way, twisting it roughly beneath the water. “Not ready. You’re not ready. I’ve kept you safe from the templars here. Let you out of the pantry and gave you your own room and a comfortable bed. I tell you I love you every day. And you won’t even let me cuddle up to you because you’re _not ready_.” He hissed, using his hold to pull him low in the tub, threatening to pull him beneath the water entirely.

\---

He cried out and began to writhe beneath him, but the walls of the tub were slick and all he managed to do was help him sink him. He looked up at him fearfully, though he didn’t believe him. Even considering what he’d done, he didn’t think he would _kill_ him. He wouldn’t actually push him under the water and if he did, he wouldn’t hold him there. “You hurt me! You hurt me and I’m _not ready_ so stop!”

\---

“I hurt _you_?! We were happy together and you ruined _everything_ , Anders. You defied me on a mission, you told me in front of half our comrades that I couldn’t treat you any differently than any other mage, and then you left me. You made me wish I was dead. I love you so much and you made me try to kill myself.” His other hand found its way around the mage’s throat, gripping but not choking. He was tempted to push him under, to watch him flail, but he didn’t want to risk seriously hurting him. Not with no way to heal him. “You won’t even tell me you love me anymore. You should have let me die that night.”

\---

Tears filled his eyes, the hurt he’d felt at finding him like that coming back to him. “ _You_ ruined everything, Garrett. You were my world, you were everything I ever wanted, but you let your anger and your hatred twist you into someone I don’t know. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not the man I fell in love with.” He wasn’t sure the man he fell in love with ever really existed, but he wanted to believe that things could’ve been different. “You don’t love me. If you ever did, it died with your mother.”

\---

“Fuck you. The only reason you’re not tranquil right now is because I love you.” That seemed to have gotten to him as tears had welled in his eyes. He did push Anders beneath the water, but he only held him down for a few beats before he released him and climbed clumsily out of the tub.

\---

He struggled as soon as he sank into the water and when he was let go, he surfaced with a gasp, his hands clutching at the edges of the tub as he tried to scramble out of the tub. When he got out, his feet slipped on the floor and he fell to his knees, but he continued on, crawling to the corner of the room and pressing himself there.

...If nothing else, he’d got what he wanted. There would be no more touching tonight.

\---

“Get to your room. We’re not eating tonight.” Hawke pointed to the door with dangerous impatience in his snarl, a few stubborn tears rolling down his cheeks. He wasn’t going to give him the time to dry off or dress. He wanted him back in his chains where he belonged. “It’s that or the pantry. Your pick.”

\---

He rose with reluctance, but as he came up to him, he dared to try and reach him. “That you can even say that is how I know you don’t love me.” Even if he thought he loved him, it wasn’t true.

\---

He backhanded him sharply across the face, but it wasn’t enough and he moved in on him, grabbing him by his hair and forcing his head back roughly. “I do love you, but if you keep this up, maybe I’ll prove you right.” He started to drag him out into the hallway by his grasp on his hair, pulling him toward the bedroom.

\---

His head turned with the slap and he lifted his hand to hold his cheek, his brows furrowing. Before he could recover, he was grabbed and he cried out, following after him to prevent it from getting worse.

\---

He shoved Anders down roughly to sit on the bed, grabbing his chains and securing them around his wrists in a practiced motion. “I just wanted to hold you tonight. I needed you and you shun me and tell me I don’t love you. Maybe it’s time I bring the templars into this.”

\---

He remained still, still not wanting to make it worse. He knew there was nothing he could say, so he didn’t try. He just kept quiet, waiting for him to go. Relieved, really, that he would be gone soon.

\---

“Is that what you want? Is being with me so bad that you’re ready for me to go get them?” Hawke asked him, his chest heaving with rage. “We both know they’ll have you tranquil by dawn.”

\---

The tears that had been in his eyes fell. “You know the answer to that… Why are you doing this to me? If you really love me, Garrett, just let me go. Just let me leave Kirkwall and you’ll never have to worry about me ever again.”

\---

“No mage leaves my city. Not even you.” Hawke spat at him. “If you don’t want the templars in our house tonight, tell me that you know I love you. I want to hear you say it.”

\---

“...I know you love me.” They were empty words, but if that was all he had to say, then he would say it. He just wanted to be left alone. He just wanted to wait for the man he wanted to come to him and to eventually save him from all of this.

\---

“That’s right, I do. And as long as I love you, you’re safe from the templars.” He turned to leave him then, wanting to dry himself off and dress to spend the rest of the night alone. He was leaving Anders soaked and naked, but he could hardly bring himself to care. As soon as he was far enough down the hallway, Pickles skulked to the door and used his muzzle to push it closed. It wouldn’t stop Hawke if he decided to return, but the beast hoped his master would stay out.

\-----

When Varric got word that Hawke was out in town, he made his way to the mansion to visit his lover. He had a bad feeling when during his usual routine of giving a bone to Pickles went awry. The mabari was uneasy and it took coaxing to convince him that it was okay to take the treat. When he stepped into the bedroom and got a look at the naked, newly bruised man chained to the bed, his stomach sank and he rushed to him. “What the hell happened? Are you alright?!”

\---

The night had gone by slowly, but it really wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He was left by himself… though not in his mind. His mind was filled with thoughts of Varric and when he actually arrived, he even smiled, though his reaction did sober him. “I’m okay… nothing happened, I’m just glad you’re here.”

\---

“Obviously something happened.” The dwarf’s tone was a bit sharp, but it was panic and not impatience as he picked the lock on the chains. He immediately started inspecting him, looking him over for the extent of the damage. “Shit, I should have brought more of that salve. What did he do to you?”

\---

“He threatened me, mostly,” he told him, trying to keep him from worrying too much. “He just- He just tried to touch me and I didn’t want him to, so he hit me. He-...” He stopped, not really wanting to say it. He wouldn’t like it and really, it was what he’d expected even before it happened. Nothing serious.

\---

“Did he break anything?” He took his bruised wrist gingerly, trying to inspect it. He was out of practice at splinting broken bones and he knew he couldn’t really do that anyway, not with Hawke coming home later. “Did he...force himself on you? We don’t have to do anything if he…” He wanted Anders to know that he didn’t expect anything from him if anything like that had happened and he instead needed support.

\---

“No. _No_.” He was answering both questions, though he sounded a lot more humiliated for the latter. “I don’t think he would do that.” He didn’t have a high opinion of him, but he didn’t think he would rape or kill him. Torture him, sure. Rip his emotions out, sure. But he wouldn’t cross any clear cut lines. “I’m okay, really… I’m just relieved that you’re with me.”

\---

“I’m glad. It’s hard enough not to pick a fight with him as it is, if he did something to hurt you even worse…” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m glad to be here too, Blondie. I don’t have any magic and I didn’t know you’d need salve. So I’ll have to tend your wounds the old fashioned way.” He pressed a kiss to the bruising on wrist, then moved closer to kiss the new bruise on his neck as well.

\---

He chuckled, charmed by him and wrapping his arms around him to pull him in. “Please, don’t get into anything with him. I don’t want to risk him changing his mind about letting me out or letting me around you.” They had to make progress, not dash it aside. He knew that meant himself as well, that pushing him away and standing up to him didn’t help, but he’d hoped on getting through to him.

He just failed and given himself a firm reminder that there would be no reasoning with him.

\---

“Oh, I know. I’m always on my best behavior with him. I don’t want to make anything harder for you.” He cuddled up to him, stroking his hand over Anders’ bare side. “I should get undressed with you. I feel like you’re already a step ahead of the game.”

\---

“I would feel better if you covered me with your body.” Then he could forget what it had felt like to have the other rogue pressing into him. “I need you to touch all of me.”

\---

“I can do that.” He began to undress himself and once he was bare, he moved in to settle on Anders’ lap. It wasn’t as awkward to him anymore, as it made for a comfortable way to hold and kiss him that remedied their height difference a little. “I don’t know how long Hawke will stay out today, so I can’t stay very long. But I’ll spend every moment of it touching all of you.”


	42. Chapter 42

It was more than a week later that Hawke was prepared to take Anders out for card night. He was very uneasy about letting him out around the others, but he knew the mage was excited to be out and to see his old friends, so he hoped the promise that they could do this regularly if he behaved would be enough to keep him in line. He'd helped to groom Anders, making sure his bruises were healed up, that the collar of his robes hid his necklace, and that he looked as presentable as he always had.

He held his hand as he walked with him toward the Hanged Man and when a man he didn't recognize rushed toward him, he instantly tensed and tried to keep himself between Anders and the desperate stranger.

“Healer! Healer, I've been waiting weeks for your clinic to open. Please, I need your help. It's my boy. He cut himself butchering meat and it's badly infected. He's gotten so sick he hardly wakes up anymore. Please…” His speech was so rushed he was winded when he finished, tears rolling down his cheeks as he pleaded on his son's behalf.

Hawke frowned deeply. He knew by looking at him that this man was poor. That this was the demographic that had depended on Anders and his clinic. Not wanting his lover to say anything damning, he was quick to grab a handful of gold and offer it to the man. “I'm sorry the clinic is still closed. Take this and take your boy to the Circle, they have skilled healers there.”

The man took the money with trembling hands, gaping at it. He'd never seen so much gold at once in his life. He looked uncertainly at Anders, wanting the healer’s opinion on the suggestion of going to the Circle.

\---

Stepping outside gave him a lot of emotion. Some good, some bad. It’d been a long time since he’d left the mansion and for that, the smell of fresh air and the warmth of the setting sun was a relief. As much as he reveled in the change of pace, however, it made him nervous. He knew it wouldn’t take much for him to mess up and for this ‘privilege’ to be taken away from him. If he did mess up, he’d likely be put in the pantry or, perhaps if he was particularly pissed, he’d be taken to the Gallows.

When they were approached by the man, his heart sank and his voice caught in his throat. He turned to the rogue, not knowing what he was going to say, when out came the fistful of coins. His brows furrowed as he watched the exchange, stunned to see him giving him gold to go take care of his son. He looked between them and when he realized the man was waiting for him, he nodded. “Take him, quickly.”

He wanted to help him, but he knew that he wouldn’t be allowed to. He knew he had to be grateful that he was giving him coin at all, but he didn’t feel grateful, he just felt helpless.

When the man left, he spoke softly. “...I’m sure there have been several deaths since I’ve been gone.” He knew what to expect out of each day and out of each week. Not a week went by that someone didn’t come to him in a critical condition. Not a day went by that he didn’t prevent something from becoming serious. In the time he’d been tied up, the people waiting for him had suffered and it broke his heart to think they were _still_ waiting for him.

“If I can’t heal them or help them, you should take gold to the clinic. Give it to them so they can get the help they need.”

\---

“Someone would just take it all for themselves and I don't have time to manage the clinic to make sure the people who need the gold are the ones who get it. We'll talk to Varric about it, he's probably got someone who can deal with that. We'll tell him you're still too sick to run the clinic.” It was the excuse he'd still been using for why the group was still using the healers at the Circle anyway.

\---

“Alright, but it has to be our coin.” He knew that Varric would want to contribute, but as much as he wanted to make sure they were taken care of, he didn’t want to use the dwarf’s coin. It wasn’t the dwarf’s fault it had to be like this. “Just use what you’ve saved from my cut and when that’s gone, we can just set aside some of what you earn.” He didn’t think he could or would argue, not when he’d just given away gold to help someone that needed him.

\---

“We’ll talk to Varric about it.” He'd contribute, as this was a problem he'd caused, but he didn't want to put a big dent in their finances with it. He knew Varric would throw in some coin if this became one of his many pet projects. When they reached the tavern, he squeezed his hand and looked to him. “Are you ready? I can take you home if you don't feel ready to handle this.” He didn't want Anders anxious to be in front of everyone again, he didn't want to give them any reason to ask questions.

\---

He nodded. He knew it wasn’t going to be fun, but Varric would be there and he wanted to see him. That was all that mattered to him. To be able to spend time with him, even if they wouldn’t be able to be close as he craved. As far as everyone else went, the only person he cared to see was Isabela, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to really acknowledge her, so he really was there only for Varric.

\---

He lead him inside then, moving quickly to Varric's room. He'd told the others Anders would be coming, but Aveline and Fenris still stared at him as if they were seeing a ghost. Isabela winked to them both but kept quiet, knowing she'd get in trouble for speaking to Anders. Lucy had gone straight for the mage, making herself known with a meow and weaving her body around his legs. “Hey, Hawke and a guest appearance from Blondie!” Varric said cheerfully and sipped at his ale. “Have a seat boys, I'll deal you in.”

\---

He was oddly overwhelmed to see everyone, though there was one missing presence that stuck out to him. He hadn’t really asked about Merrill, not taking the time to concern himself with her, but he realized that he ought to. Though he didn’t care for her, she was in danger and she’d done nothing to deserve it. There was likely nothing he could do that Varric and Isabela hadn’t already done, but he could check in, if nothing else.

He glanced at Fenris and Aveline only briefly, _really_ not caring for either of them. The last time he saw Fenris, he attacked him, so it was probably in his best interest to keep away from him. Aside from that, they were awful and he wanted nothing to do with them.

He looked to Varric, having to keep the longing from his eyes as they were greeted. He smiled and though it was strained, for him it was genuine. He sat down and tried to get comfortable, finding that nowhere felt safe to look, so he kept his eyes on the table in front of him. He looked pristine and sophisticated in his high-collared robes, helped along by pale skin and gaunt cheeks that seemed to support the excuse that he’d been sick all this time.

\---

Varric looked perfectly relaxed and natural as they took their seats, relieved that Anders was beside him and Hawke had taken the other side to put himself between the mage and the pirate. “You look better than you did last time I visited, Blondie. I’m glad you’re starting to recover.” He said this as an easy excuse when his eyes had lingered too long on his lover before quickly moving on give Fenris grief about how he must have cheated the previous round to win. His heart was pounding in his ears as he dealt the newcomers in, nervous that Hawke would catch on though he knew his bluffs were good and he could lie with the best of liars. Lucy jumped up into Anders’ lap, providing him with something to look at until all the cards were dealt, though of course, she was only hoping for some petting.

\---

Anders peeked up at him and nodded, “Yeah, I’m feeling better,” before returning his eyes to the table in front of him. He lips tugged when the cat jumped into his lap and he was quick to begin doting on her, grateful for the distraction. He pulled her up into his arms and began coo, quiet enough that no one but the cat herself would hear. “Hello, sweet girl. I’ve missed you, pretty, sweet girl.”

\---

The cat purred and rubbed her cheek against his fingers, clearly having missed him as well. Varric had many guests but no one paid her as much mind as he did.

“That collar is absurd. You could have bought yourself a decent dagger with that coin.”  Hawke said with a bit of a snort when he looked to the cat in Anders’ arms.

“I don’t need a better dagger. Not when I’ve got my girl, Bianca. Lucy is my other girl, so I’ll spoil her if I like.” Varric answered with a smirk and pushed some coin forward. “If you lose as bad as you usually do, I’ll use the gold to buy her an even fancier one.”

“Please. If anyone is leaving with pretty new jewelry after tonight, it’s me.” Isabela sneered and pushed her own coin forward. All three rogues seemed to be having an easy time of acting naturally, despite potential for disaster at the table.

\---

When it came to him, he pulled up the cards he’d been dealt. The coin in front of him had been placed there by Hawke and he pushed in enough to meet them, then turned his attention back to the cat. “I like your collar, Lucy.” He announced this loud enough for all to hear, joining the conversation peripherally.

\---

Hawke smiled, pleased that Anders was engaging with the others and that the cat was providing enough distraction to keep him comfortable. And the rounds went on and the ale started to run low, he’d moved in to sit close to Anders, but hadn’t put an arm around him. The last thing he wanted was for his lover to shrink away from him in front of everyone. But he wanted to be close to him and he even stole a kiss to his cheek after a particularly good round.

“Rivaini, come help me bring up more ale from the barkeep.” Varric said as he rose to his feet. He was sturdy enough, but he’d had plenty to drink himself. He’d needed it after the stress of keeping his eyes from wandering to Anders too many times.

“I’m too comfortable.” She complained, having lounged back to put her feet up on the table. “Why don’t you take Handsome with you? He hasn’t done an ale run in forever.” She was more than happy to give them a moment alone.

“Oh, so you’ll make the poor sick guy fetch your booze?” He snorted and looked to Anders. “What do you say, Blondie? Feel up to helping me carry pitchers?”

Hawke’s brow furrowed a little, but he was silent. Anders had minded himself when he’d left them ‘alone’ during Varric’s visit. He didn’t think Anders would risk ruining his chance for another outing by acting up during a few minutes alone with one of the others.

\---

Anders’ jaw stiffened when he was kissed, but showed no other sign of how he felt. He was keeping his eyes on the cards, not looking up at anyone as they played, not really acting like himself, but also not really drawing attention to himself. He did, however, look up when he was directly addressed. His eyes went between the pirate and the dwarf and then to the man who controlled him, waiting for an answer. He wanted to go, but he wouldn’t go if he wasn’t allowed… a moment alone wasn’t worth the trouble it would bring.

\---

When Anders looked to him, Hawke knew he had to make a move. He decided it would be the least suspicious if he just let him go and he nodded. “Go on, just try not to carry too much. You don’t have your strength back.”

“I’ll carry most.” Varric offered with a smile, headed for the door.

\---

He rose to his feet, following after him, and as soon as they were outside of the door, he reached for him and touched his arm. “Varric.” He knew that they couldn’t really get close, even at the bar, for fear that someone would see and speak of it.

\---

“Come here, Blondie.” He murmured, checking the hallway quickly for witnesses before pulling him into the bathroom and locking the door behind them. “Are you alright? Did he hurt you before you came out?” He didn’t doubt he’d been threatened. But he wanted to know if he’d been hit.

\---

As soon as they were alone, he wrapped his arms around him. “No, I’m okay… I just wish I could look at you and talk to you and touch you.” He leaned down and kissed him, his lips as needy as his touch.

\---

He embraced him and returned his kiss, so relieved that he was alright. “I wish we could too. But if this goes well, he’ll let you come out more. Maybe he’ll let you visit me alone…” He’d love to have Anders here. To feel like his lover had some sense of freedom.

\---

He nodded, but he didn’t want to let go of him, not now that he had him. “I miss you. I want to stay with you.” Or he wanted him to come with him. “I wish we could stay here.” In this bathroom. Where they were alone and together. The time was passing, however, and if they lingered too long, suspicions would rise.

\---

“I’d stay in here with you all night if we could.” He murmured and stole another kiss from him. “We’ve got to get downstairs though. If we take too long, he won’t let you go off alone with me again.” At least the next day, he’d be able to go to Anders and spend hours alone with him, but it didn’t make it any easier to break away from him now.

\---

“I don’t want to.” He knew that they had to, but his voice was thick and upset. “I hate being with him. I hate it when he touches me.” He hated that he had to pretend like he was still his while sitting beside the man who he really belonged to, ignoring him and acting like he wasn’t there.

\---

“I know. I hate seeing him touch you.” Fortunately Hawke hadn’t been very handsy. But it was still enough to make his skin crawl sitting next to them while Hawke moved in close and stole a kiss. “I’ll get you out of there and he’ll never touch you again.”

\---

“Varric,” he breathed, kissing him again, deeply, but briefly. They had to go and as much as it pained him, he loosened his hold on him and straightened up.

\---

“Soon.” He put a hand on the mage’s chest when he straightened up. He put on a smile for him, but it was a sad one. “I’ll make up for this short visit tomorrow. I’ll make sure he’s out of the house all day.” He assured him and then with a reluctant sigh, he released him and moved to unlock the door.

\---

He kept a hand on him for a long as he could and when they were out where they might be seen, he stepped away from him. He went downstairs with him and it didn’t take long for them to return with the ale, carrying only a single pitcher to the dwarf’s handfuls, as he’d been told. He set the pitcher down on the table and then took his seat, quiet and meek.

\---

“Still feeling alright?” Hawke asked when Anders took his seat, leaning into him lightly. He didn’t doubt that Anders’ strength really had deteriorated after so long without exercise. Varric kept his eyes off of them, busying himself with refilling his tankard with the new supply of ale.

\---

He nodded, it take a tremendous amount of effort to not lean away from him. “I’m alright,” he confirmed, quiet, as he’d been all night. He reached for his own tankard, which was still half-full, and took a drink of it. He knew he ought to take the opportunity to get drunk while he had it.

\---

“Good. We can get back to the game then.” Hawke kissed his cheek again, but then gave him a little bit of space. Not much, but a little at least.

“You mean you can get back to losing so I can upgrade Lucy’s collar.” Varric said with a dry chuckle as he shuffled the cards and prepared for the next round.

“Before we leave, we can talk to him about the clinic.” Hawke murmured to Anders, watching the dwarf take another drink. He imagined Varric would be especially willing to contribute help and coin the longer he went on drinking.

\---

He nodded, finding that the easiest way to communicate. No one really seemed to notice that he wasn’t being himself and even if they did, it was to be expected if he wasn’t feeling well. He was doing well enough in the game, though he wasn’t really trying and as they continued, he focused more on drinking than anything.

\---

Varric had expected Hawke to leave early with Anders, but he was surprised when the rogue stayed even after Aveline left and Fenris took off shortly afterward. Of course, Isabela was always slow to get out of his room once she’d had a few drinks, but when she finally started to pack up her winnings, Hawke looked to Varric while he put his own coin away. “On the way here, we ran into a man who needed Anders’ clinic. I gave him money to go to the Circle’s healers, but I know there are many more people who have been suffering while Anders has been ill and he won’t be ready to re-open the clinic anytime soon.” Ever. He would not ever be opening that clinic again.

“I’m sure Darktown is missing him dearly. They can’t afford those fancy Circle healers.” Varric wasn’t really sure why Hawke was willing to discuss this, a problem he’d caused by taking Anders’ magic. Not that he was supposed to know that. But still, he found it odd he would bring it up and his eyes shifted to the healer. It felt appropriate to look at him for once - it was _his_ clinic they spoke of, after all.

\---

The mage remained quiet, since he hadn’t been directly addressed. He figured he’d let Hawke say what he was going to say and he’d chip in if he needed to, but he didn’t want to speak and say anything that would ‘draw attention’ and ruin what had managed to be a pretty good night, all things considered.

\---

“We were wondering if you had anyone that could run the clinic. Run in, as far as be there to give some coin to the people in need who show up for care so they can go to the Circle. We’ve got some gold to spare and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind contributing…” Hawke proposed with a raise of his brow.

“I can do better than that. I know a few ladies who would be happy to actually _run_ the clinic. They could treat the people they can and give coin to the people too ill or injured for them to handle. Would you be okay with them substituting for you, Blondie? Just until you’re up to treating your patients again?” Varric asked Anders directly, then finished the last of his ale. “You could oversee them to make sure your clinic is being run to your standards.”

\---

“That would be better,” he agreed, liking the idea, though this conversation was giving him a lot of anxiety. “I don’t want you to use any of your coin though - it’s my fault that the clinic is closed.” Hawke’s fault, actually, and he fully intended on doing what he could to make the man pay up. “I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

\---

“I can help with it. It’s a good cause, at least.” He knew Hawke would contribute but he expected him to be stingy.

“Anders isn’t ready to be out and supervising the clinic all day. But I’m sure he could go out and check on the clinic now and then.” Hawke said uneasily. He still didn’t want Anders going anywhere without him. But it would look odd if his clinic was up and running again and he was totally uninvolved. “And these ladies you speak of...they’re not mages, right?”

“Of course not.” Varric answered quickly. “Just some nurses I know. One that I know won’t turn down the offer is a brilliant old nurse that’s tended to everything from measles outbreaks to war wounds. She spends her days writing medical journals now, but I know she wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to get back into patient care and boss some young nurses around.” The other people he was thinking of were iffy. But he really only needed one nurse to reopen the clinic to give Anders the excuse to get out of the house. And help the people of Darktown, of course.

\---

He didn’t want his coin, but he would tell him that when they were alone. It wasn’t something he wanted to press while in present company. The mention of the woman made him lift a brow and in spite of himself, he smiled. “You couldn’t have told me about this woman before I got sick? Sent her my way?” He certainly could’ve used the help, even then.

\---

“I wouldn’t have subjected you to that, Blondie. Pia is a lot to handle if she’s not the one in charge.” He already felt bad for whichever nurses would accept the position to work beneath her. “But since she can run the show while you’re ill, she’ll take good care of your patients. Of course, it won’t compare to your magic, but it’ll be a lot better than nothing until you’re better.” He hoped Hawke would feel at least a little guilty for him saying that.

Hawke did indeed, but it seemed a reasonable solution. “As long as Anders is alright with it, I don’t see why not. It’s better than just trying to send everyone to the Circle for help.”

\---

He nodded, feeling better about that. It wasn’t what he wanted, though at this point he couldn’t deny that what he wanted was to get out of this city altogether, but while he was here, he did want to help. “I agree and it would be nice to stop in from time to time - it’s not as if the clinic is far from home.”

\---

Hawke studied him for a long beat, then nodded. Maybe that was how he could ease into letting Anders go somewhere on his own. To let him use the tunnel to go to the clinic and come straight home when he was done.

“Great. I'll talk to Pia and the girls in the morning.” Varric looked satisfied, but not nearly as satisfied as he was feeling. It was a step forward in getting more freedom for Anders.

\---

Anders nodded, giving him a little smile. A smile far genuine than any he’d given the man sitting on the other side of him. “Thanks, Varric.” He looked at Hawke and nodded towards the door. “Time to go?”

\---

“You're welcome. I'll see you boys later.” Varric kicked back in his seat, running a hand over Lucy's back when she jumped into his lap. It was a shame to see Anders go, but at least he'd have him alone the next day.

“Let's get to bed. I'm sure you're tired.” Hawke rose and took Anders toward the hand, leading him to out of the dwarf’s room. “Thank you for being so good tonight.” He murmured to him once they were out of the noisy tavern.

\---

He forced one of those smiles for him, responding without having to really respond. He just wanted to go home, go to bed, and wake up when Varric arrived, so it would feel like they were apart for no time at all.


	43. Chapter 43

He always felt better after leaving the clinic. He wasn’t allowed to go as much as he would have liked, but ever since it’d reopened, he’d been a couple of times a week for a few hours, making sure everything was being taken care of to his satisfaction. Varric had been right and Pia was a handful, but she was doing a good job and he didn’t mind handing her the reigns as long as she acknowledged that it was his clinic and took his input into consideration.

It felt even better when Varric came to visit. It seemed he always knew when he was working and he always stopped in. The time together was appreciated and if they managed to get a moment alone, they were quick to get in what kisses they could. Today was no different and as such, he was in rather good spirits as he made his way up the cellar and into the mansion. It would be nice to have some time alone to do whatever he wanted while he could - the chain hadn’t been completely retired, but when he was allowed to go to the clinic, he had a little bit of freedom before Hawke returned.

\---

Hawke was rarely home so early. He had come home and left his work unfinished out of spite and wasn't surprised to find Anders wasn't home. It didn't raise any alarms with him, however. He'd given him leave to oversee the clinic for the afternoon and he knew the grumpy old dwarf woman running the place wouldn't close the clinic even a minute early, even if no patients were left. He busied himself with starting dinner, something he occasionally helped Anders with but had not done on his own in a very long time. Pickles had been staying out of sight and mind since he'd made the mistake of greeting his master too enthusiastically after spending the day without even Anders for company. He greeted the mage now as he stepped into the manner. He was subdued, however, and had a new significant limp, but his tail still gave a little wag and he gave his hand a lick.

\---

Anders noticed the limp as soon as he saw him and he reached to give the top of his head a scratch. He didn’t dote on the dog, but he did give him a little attention when he was around. “What is it? Did you hurt yourself?” He heard a sound of the kitchen then and he looked up, realizing what it was. He looked back down at him and gave him a sad look, “...Guess he’s home. Why don’t you find a spot to lay down by the fire?”

He wasn’t sure why he was home and he really wasn’t sure why he was in the kitchen. He made his way there, knowing he’d be mad if he didn’t announce himself.

“Hawke,” he greeted him, watching what he was doing with confusion.

\---

The dog looked morose, but he licked Anders’ hand once more before he went to lay by the fire as he was told.

Hawke looked over his shoulder when Anders’ greeted him, his jaw tight. He didn't look particularly angry, but he was clearly uneasy. “So I'm not even ‘Garrett’ to you today? Sit down, dinner is almost ready.”

\---

His brows lifted, but he did as he was told, leaving him to it and making his way to the table to sit down. Something was wrong and though he didn’t care, he knew it could be bad for him.

\---

Hawke was quiet as he finished their simple meal of beef and rice, bringing plates and water for each of them to the table. He took his seat but wasn't quick to dig in, frowning down at his plate and stirring absently at the rice. “...Have you been hearing any talk about me at the clinic?”

\---

He looked at the plate as it was placed in front of him, nervous about it. He hadn’t cooked for him in a long time, but it wasn’t as if he would have any reason to tamper with it. What would he have done to it? Given him something to make him pass out? Why? If he was done with him and going to take him to the templars, he could just drag him there if he really wanted to. He could just have them come get him, so unless he was going to kill him, which he knew better than, there wasn’t any reason to feel nervous.

That’s what he told himself as he took a bite of the rice. “...No, why?”

\---

“People have been acting strangely around me. Especially today.” It had been odd at first, but now it had progressed enough to be unnerving. “A man I helped saw me and instead of saying hello, he spat on my boots. People whisper when I go by.” He'd thought it had been in his head at first. Now he was sure that it wasn't. “I went to see Bethany and the templars had to _debate_ over whether or not I could go in. When I did get there, she didn't even want to see me. She hardly said more than a few words before leaving.”

\---

He frowned, confused by what he was hearing. He hadn’t been out with him in a long time, but those experiences didn’t sound anything like what he remembered. As far as he knew, the man was well-liked and well-respected, though maybe that had changed as he had. “...I don’t know, Garrett. I haven’t heard anything, but… a lot has changed, hasn’t it?” Maybe that’s what it was… maybe the mages had more support than even he knew of.

\---

“It has. But I’ve still been working hard for Kirkwall. I don’t understand.” He finally took a bite of his food, then resumed pushing his food around. “I know why you hate me. But I don’t know why everyone else is starting to hate me too. I’ve done everything they’ve asked.”

\---

He kept his eyes on his plate, not really wanting to respond to the comment about hating him. He didn’t want to confirm it… but he wasn’t even sure that he did. Did he hate him? He didn’t love him, he didn’t like him, but did he hate him? “...I don’t know.” He really didn’t and there was nothing he could offer him.

\---

“I guess it’s not enough. I’ve tried to do what I thought was right. What my sister wanted. What my mother would want. But it’s made things worse. I haven’t even been after mages.” Not for weeks since the templars had been treating him so strangely. “I’ve just been trying to help the people who ask for help.”

\---

His appetite was fading, but he pushed through another few bites. He was even more surprised to hear that he’d stopped with the mages, but asking questions or commenting didn’t feel safe. He wanted to know why, but if they got into it, it might encourage him to pick up from where he left off.

“Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe give it a little time and everything will see more like normal.”

\---

“Maybe. I’ve tried to give it time but it’s gotten worse as the weeks have gone on.” He sighed heavily. He wanted to be close to Anders, but he knew the man still had no interest in being in his arms, even after all the new freedoms he’d offered. He’d have to try something else to get him close. To see if he still cared at all. “Maybe I should finish what I started that night you found me in the bathroom. ...If I do, would you stay with me until I’m gone? I don’t want to be alone…”

\---

He tensed as he went on and lowered his fork to the table. “Don’t talk like that. What would that accomplish? Nothing. If you’re not happy, there are things you can do to make yourself happier. Maybe… maybe you could try to… find someone else to spend time with. I wouldn’t mind, not if it would make you happier. Relationships are always exciting in the beginning… maybe that’s what you need to get out of this rut.”

He would love it if he found someone else and forgot about him.

\---

“I can’t just do that. I love you, even if you hate me now. You’re the one I want to be with if I’m going out that way.” He didn’t really want to do that. No more than he had the first time he’d done it to manipulate Anders. But the reaction he was getting now at least made him feel like Anders cared about him at least a little.

\---

“There’s never a good reason to kill yourself.” While not strictly true, it was a good rule to live by. “I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not going to sit with you while you kill yourself.” He didn’t know how much of this was genuine or how much of it was manipulation. He wasn’t even sure whether the last time he’d resorted to this had been manipulation or not, since he’d had a lot of emotionally trying stuff going on, but he wouldn’t be surprised.

“I still think it would be best for you to get out of the city, but I know how you feel about that.” It wasn’t going to happen and it was a good thing for him - if he was separated from Varric then he didn’t know what he’d do with himself.

\---

“Will you sit with me by the fire for a little while? Maybe we can talk about where we’ll go if we do decide to leave the city.” He asked as he pushed his plate away. He wasn’t hungry. But at least the mage wasn’t encouraging him to kill himself as he feared he might.

\---

He’d have snorted if it wouldn’t have thrown him into a fit. If he’d heard this from him months ago, things would’ve been a lot different, but it was too little too late. Even if he hadn’t gone off the way he had, being with Varric had shown him what being cared for was supposed to be like and he was realizing that even the good times in their relationship had been rife with abuse.

As it was, he could humor him. “Okay,” he agreed, pushing his plate away and getting up. He figured the dishes would be his job, as usual, so he began to collect them to take care of them.

\---

Hawke watched him work for a while, then moved in behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist. Holding him in a way he hadn't in such a long time. “I'm relieved you at least want me to live, Anders. I know you don't want me around, but it means something to me that you still don't want me dead.”

\---

He stiffened when the arms came around him, but forced himself to relax. He had to be thankful that he’d been pretty considerate of his space. It was the one good thing he could say about him. He stopped what he was doing, just standing there in his arms and taking in what he had to say.

“...Most people don’t jump to extremes,” he pointed out carefully. “If you think I have reason to want you dead… does that tell you anything about the way you think?” Or about what he’d done?

\---

“It does. I know you're a kinder man than I am, you always have been.” He continued to hold him, resting his cheek on Anders’ shoulder. “But I also know you can't stand me. I know how much you want me to let go of you right now and it hurts so badly that you'll never want me to hold you like this again. If I were dead, you'd never have to worry about me wanting to embrace you.”

\---

“You broke us… I would’ve spent the rest of my life with you, but you went too far.” He’d been willing to forgive so much, so happy to be with him and to love him. To be loved by him. “It doesn’t have to be like this… I know you love me, but I’m not the only person you could love. You could let me go and find someone who will make you happy and maybe, if they’re not what I am, you’ll treat them better too. I want that for you, Garrett.”

He risked turning in his arms, bringing them face to face.

\---

“You're the only one for me. It could get better for us from here. I know you need more time to forgive me. But it's gotten better, hasn't it? You're out with our friends, you're back at the clinic…” He was relieved that Anders hadn't pulled away from him and he met his gaze solemnly now.

\---

“It hasn’t.” It hadn’t gotten better at all. The reality of it made his eyes water, but he continued to meet his gaze, knowing that he could say anything and it might be the wrong thing and this gentle moment could turn rather suddenly. “You have me collared. You’ve taken away my magic, who I am, because you think it’s wrong. That _I’m_ wrong. You hit me and hurt me and you threaten me with my worst fears. You made me relive a nightmare, the cruelest thing that has ever been done to me, and if that weren’t enough, you threaten to do it _again_. You’re willing to let them take out my emotions, the rest of who I am, if I don’t tell you what you want to hear or if I don’t do what you want me to do. What is better, Garrett? What has gotten better?” As he spoke, the tears had fallen, darting down his cheeks in streaks. “I’m terrified of you.”

\---

“You're a mage, Anders. You _should_ be terrified of me.” He moved a hand to wipe the tears gingerly from his cheeks. “But you're not isolated and you're not in chains. That has gotten better. And I've been giving you more freedoms, far more than you would have had in the Circle. Things could be a lot like they were before, Anders. And maybe when they are, you can love me even if you fear me.”

\---

He was sick from what he was hearing. “Listen to yourself. A relationship happens when people are equals. When they care and love each other - _all of each other_. I’m not your equal and I haven’t been in a long time. You can’t tell me you love me and turn around and tell me that I should be scared of you and grateful when you don’t lock me up because of what I am.”

\---

“It wouldn't be this way if you weren't a mage. It's not your fault, but it's the way it is. If my sister wasn't safe in the Circle, I'd have her collared and closely watched too. That doesn't mean I love her any less.” He sighed and stroked his cheek absently, still glad that Anders was in his arms at least. “I miss your magic. I miss your love even more. This hasn't been easy for me either.”

\---

“You’re talking about me like I’m a wild animal.” He moved his arms up and broke the embrace, not wanting to be touched by him anymore. “Which is exactly how you treat me.” He arms folded, moving away from him. “I have to finish cleaning up.”

\---

“Your kind is more dangerous than any wild animal, Anders.” He stormed off for the stairs then rather than the fireplace. He'd had his moment to hold his love and he knew the mage wouldn't consent to any more that night.


	44. Chapter 44

A few days later, Varric was out working with Hawke, Aveline, and Isabela, his mood foul. It was rare that he couldn't at least send Isabela to see Anders while he was busy and he didn't know whether or not his lover had been allowed to go to the clinic for the day. He hoped so, he would at least be occupied in the clinic and not chained up alone in a bedroom.

He'd managed to get along with Hawke just fine as he always had, but finally something managed to break his facade. Hawke had been hearing out a mother desperate to find her lost daughter, right up until it slipped that her daughter was a mage. He'd turned on her then, telling her that if her daughter had left Kirkwall, all the better. Varric listened to all of this with a clenched jaw and as soon as Hawke had started away from the distraught woman, he spoke up. “Don't worry too much about our ‘brave leader’. He's frightened of mages even when they're little girls. I'll find your daughter myself and make sure people like him don't bother her.”

He regretted it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. He needed to be compliant for Anders’ sake, but after so much time holding his tongue, it had felt so good to let some of his true feelings about Hawke slip. He could see that Isabela could scarcely hide her amusement and Aveline looked extremely uncomfortable, but he couldn't pay them much mind because Garrett was advancing on him quickly. He stood his ground and looked up at the man defiantly.

“What did you just say?” Hawke asked with a dangerous look Varric was sure Anders was well acquainted with. The woman that had approached them had scampered away and that was likely for the best.

“Which part did you miss? The part about you being a bigoted coward or the part about my offer to help people who need it like you did _before_ you became a bigoted coward?” He knew he shouldn't have pressed the matter further, but he did and felt he earned the punch to his jaw that immediately followed. He staggered but only a step before coming back with an attack of his own, elbowing Hawke hard in the ribs and punching him in the face when the human stooped a little to protect his ribs from another hit.

Aveline was quick to get between them, pushing them apart and demanding that they stop this. Hawke was seeing red though and be shoved her to the ground to come after the dwarf once more. Isabela was way more interested in watching the fight than breaking it up, right up until the point that flying fists weren't enough and Hawke had drawn his blades. She rushed in to assist Aveline in her attempts to break up the fight then. The women managed to get both men to put their daggers away, but when Varric tried to disengage completely and put some distance between himself and Hawke, the human charged him and knocked him to the ground. Aveline pulled Hawke off of him but didn't get him far enough away before the man had gotten a few good kicks in to the dwarf’s ribs. “You'd do well to remember who it is you're working for.” Hawke said as he finally let himself be pulled away completely, spitting a mouthful of blood on the ground as Aveline hauled him off down the next street.

Isabela knelt on the ground beside a rather miserable looking Varric, still writhing and holding his ribs. “I've seen worse tavern brawls. You weren't really ready to give up, were you?”

Varric managed a chuckle, though it hurt the split on his lip to smile. “Nope. Had to let him win though. I don't want him to go home pissed and hurt my Blondie.”

“How romantic.” The pirate smirked and started to help Varric up, needing to take most of his weight. “Let's go home and get you an ale.”

Hawke had cooled off a little by the time he arrived home, earlier in the day than he'd intended to. He made his way up the stairs to the bedroom he'd left Anders in, quick to remove his chains. His left eye was black and swollen, his jaw had gone numb on that side as well and he was unaware of the trickle of blood running from the corner of his lips. “I need you to run a bath for me. A cold one.” He had a lot of pain and swelling on his torso he needed to tend to.

\---

The sound of footsteps had Anders sitting up, hoping after spending all day alone, but when he saw who stepped in, he was disappointed. Then alarmed. “What happened to you? Why haven’t you gone to see the healers?” He was concerned, but even more confused and anxious. He’d never come home in this state and he didn’t know what it meant for him.

\---

“Nothing is broken, I don't need the healers.” Hawke grumbled, moving from the bed once he was unchained so Anders could start for the bathroom. “He’d just love knowing that I ran off to the Circle after running his mouth like that.”

\---

He didn’t know what he was talking about, but knew he needed to do what was being demanded of him, so he got up and made his way to the bathroom to prepare his bath. Someone had run their mouth? He wasn’t sure if that had anything to do with the state he was in, but it must have, why would else would he say that? He was refusing to have his injuries treated out of spite, so he must have gotten into an argument about-

His thoughts trailed off. His breathing picked up and he hurried to finish what he was doing. When he had it ready, he went to get him and he could barely keep himself being overly invested as he blurted out, “It’s ready. You didn’t tell me what happened…”

\---

Hawke had stripped down while Anders prepared his bath and when he was bare, it was clear that his wounds were concentrated at the level of his ribs. Where the dwarf could best reach him, of course. “Varric decided to undermine me in front of a citizen and the rest of the party. I didn’t think he’d have the guts to back up that ever-running mouth of his, but he did. If the girls hadn’t been there to break us up, it would have gotten a lot uglier than it did.” It would have been a disaster if he’d maimed or killed the dwarf in his rage, so he was grateful they’d gotten them both to put their blades away. He sank into the tub with a hiss of pain, but the cool water was a relief once he was settled.

\---

His heart skipped when he got the confirmation he needed. “...Is he okay?” He was torn between worry and warmth. They’d argued about mages, Varric saying what he couldn’t, and then he’d beat the shit out of him. He didn’t doubt that he’d gotten hurt in return, but he couldn’t help but feel satisfied that _someone_ had finally stood up to Hawke. He just didn’t know what that meant for everything else and it would be bad if their relationship fractured before they could get him out of here.

More than anything, he just wanted to know that he was okay.

\---

“Probably. If he went and got himself healed up at the Circle he so despises, I’ll give him new wounds tomorrow.” He grumbled, reaching for a rag and starting to gingerly clean his wounds. “Doubt he would though. He’ll probably go to the clinic in the morning, maybe you’ll see him there.” He was planning to let Anders go to the clinic the next day anyway and though he wanted the dwarf to hurt for the next several days, he wanted him patched up to be useful as soon as possible. “He was lucky Aveline and Isabela were there.”

\---

“Garrett, he’s been by your side longer than anyone… you shouldn’t be hurting him or talking about hurting him.” He wanted to discourage him from lashing out at him. He hadn’t moved any closer to the tub, not wanting to help clean him, but still staying nearby enough to talk to him.

\---

“I know. I guess that’s what made his words cut as deeply as they did.” He didn’t have friends, not really. But Varric could be considered his oldest friend, he supposed. “Hopefully he learned his lesson and won’t talk like that in front of everyone again.”

\---

“Hopefully.” He’d talk to him the next time they were together. He’d tend to him too, if he needed it. Hopefully he would come the next day. He missed him and he was concerned about him.

\---

“I’m going to stay in tomorrow. There are enough rumors in town about me without walking around with my face swollen up like this.” He could use a day off anyway. He hadn’t just stayed home in a very long time. He winced as he tried to scrub dirt from a rather nasty scrape. “You can still go to the clinic if you don’t want to sit around here with me though.”

\---

“I’ll probably go.” He was absolutely going to go. “Just to make sure everything’s okay. I need some coin to take with me, but we can worry about that in the morning.”

\---

“That’s fine.” He rarely complained about giving money to the clinic. He knew that it wasn’t needed often, the nurses earned their wages and could take care of most anything, but sometimes the work of the Circle healers really was required. The nurses also went through a lot more supplies than a healer with magic, so that was another steady expense for him. He closed his eyes and leaned back in the tub to relax and let his wounds soak. “I’ll give you some before you leave tomorrow.”


	45. Chapter 45

The next day, he was carrying the coin with him when he arrived at the clinic. He got right to work, but there was something distracted to him and he frequently looked up at the door, disappointed each time someone walked in and it wasn’t who he wanted. Sometimes he looked up and there was no one there at all. He tried to focus on what he was doing, mixing together some salves that would be quickly used up within the next couple of days.

\---

The clinic was busy right from the start of the day, of course. While Anders made the salves, the younger of the dwarven nurses, Helen, was busy with gingerly inspecting the throat of a young girl with swollen tonsils that she’d been seeing regularly since they’d gotten infected. The human nurse and youngest of the bunch, Gina, was cleaning blood from an exam table where she’d disinfected and stitched a man’s hand minutes earlier. PIa oversaw it all, as she always did, scribbling down notes as she documented progress on the case of the little girl Helen was seeing, added Anders’ salves to their inventory, and subtracted the ingredients used. When the door open, Pia moved to greet the newest patient, always welcoming everyone with a matronly smile and listening carefully to their concerns before helping the other nurses decide on a course of action. But when she saw a familiar pirate dragging in an even more familiar dwarf, she lowered her clipboard and sighed. “Who did you piss off today?” She asked dryly, nodding for Isabela to take him to one of the tables.

“Yesterday. And it was our boss I pissed off.” Varric was a mess and he knew it. Ice for swelling and alcohol for pain had gotten him through the night fairly well. But he was hurting today and he’d bled through enough bandages on his hands and some scrapes on his torso to know he needed some stitches. He caught sight of Anders as Isabela helped haul him up onto the table and smiled, though his lip was split badly and the smile fell as quickly as it had appeared. “Hey, Blondie.”

\---

Anders heard his voice before he saw him and his head snapped up, eyes searching. When he caught sight of him, he lost his voice, and it wasn’t until he was greeted that he remembered he could move. “Varric!” He dropped what he was doing and hurried over, immediately beginning to fuss.

“Oh, Varric, look at you.” The dwarf was a mess so he started right in. He reached for a hand, undoing the bandages to see the damage. As soon as he did, his own fingers moved as if to heal it. Nothing happened and then he remembered himself. “Get me a needle and thread,” he demanded at no one in particular, unwrapping the other hand as well.

\---

Gina was quick to action, having quickly finished up cleaning. She moved to him with a needle and thread, standing by for whatever else he may need. Pia moved out of the way, knowing that the mage was going to want to care for his lover. She instead went to Anders’ unfinished work, needing to complete the salves since she’d already added them to their inventory.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, Blondie.” Varric was very happy to see him, but he was already tensing and starting to withdraw his hand when the needle and thread came near. He wasn’t big on needles. Even if he was, his hands were swollen and very sore so he wasn’t particularly looking forward to having them stitched.

“I’ll pick him up at the end of the day.” Isabela smirked and patted Anders’ shoulder. Even if it didn’t take them that long to patch him up, she knew the dwarf would want to stay with him. She threw Gina a wink that made the young nurse blush, then headed out to go about her own business.

\---

He had Gina grab a clean cloth and some disinfectant for him and began to clean his hands gingerly. “Are you going to tell me your side of it?” he asked quietly, his eyes intent on his work. He’d heard what Hawke had to say about it, but he wanted to hear what Varric had to say about it.

\---

“If you want to know my side, I’m guessing you’ve already heard Hawke’s side.” He hoped the man was even half as sore and miserable as he was. He relaxed a little as he let Anders go about cleaning the wounds on his hands. That much was at least pleasant and the sting of the disinfectant didn’t bother him the way he knew the stitches would. “He didn’t...lash out at you, did he?”

\---

“Not really. I don’t care about his side, I care about yours.” Hawke really hadn’t told him much. He’d told him that Varric had gotten lippy and that was about it. He hadn’t pushed it. He knew him and the only part that mattered to him was that he’d managed to kick the dwarf’s ass. “No, he didn’t,” he replied, quieter still, grabbing the needle and beginning to carefully stitch the wounds.

\---

Varric was not an ideal patient for this much of it, squirming and swearing under his breath whenever the needle punctured particularly tender skin. “Good, then it was worth it. I was afraid he’d take it out on you.” He murmured, then hissed when Anders had to work through a spot above his knuckle that was badly swollen. “If he told you the whole thing was my fault, he’s right. I’ve kept my mouth shut for so long around him but yesterday I finally let him have it.”

\---

“Shh, silly dwarf.” He pulled up the hand after he finished with it and pressed a kiss to a spot where it was undamaged. He was trying to be as careful as he could with his needlework, but he couldn’t stop it from hurting. He started on the other hand, “What did you say to him?”

\---

He smiled a little when his hand was kissed, though smiling hurt. He gave him his other hand, but was no less squirmy and whiny for the second one. “A woman was begging us to find her daughter and of course, Hawke shunned her once he found out the girl was a mage. I told the woman I’d find her myself and asked her not to mind our cowardly bigot leader. I think I said a little more, but it gets a little hazy from there. I’ve normally got a great memory, but I took some good knocks to the head. One of them I received right after Hawke asked me what I’d said and I kindly repeated it to his face.”

\---

His eyes widened, but he couldn’t help but look pleased. “Varric,” he tried to chastise him, “You can’t do that. If he decides he doesn't want to work with you anymore…” Even worse, if he made an enemy of him, it would be a lot more suspicious when he disappeared. If Hawke knew how Varric felt about mages and they were no longer ‘friends’, he would likely suspect him and that was what he was trying to avoid.

He finished with the other hand and then used some bandages to wrap it up. From there, he moved on, checking each place he was wounded; cleaning him up, stitching where he had to, and wrapping him in clean bandages.

\---

He had to remove most of his clothing for Anders to reach all the places he needed stitches, especially one his side which was blackened from bruising from Hawke’s boot and had a rather long gash. He laid down for Anders to work on that one, knowing it would hurt more than his hands had. “I know, I know. As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew I might have made things worse for you and I’m sorry for that.”

\---

It upset him to see the extent of his wounds. He was definitely worse off and he wanted to heal him badly. “I’m just glad you’re okay,” he murmured, stroking a hand along his thigh since there was nowhere else to touch that wouldn’t hurt. When he’d done all he can, his eyes flicked around the room and seeing that no one was really paying attention, he wrapped his arms around him and gave him a careful hug, barely touching him.

\---

Varric returned the embrace, but stronger. It hurt, but he didn’t really care. He wanted to hold him close. “I’m alright, Blondie. You can hold me like you mean it, I’m not fragile. I’m just a wimp with needles.”

\---

He smiled and tightened his arms, but barely. “...I wish I could’ve been there. I wouldn’t have minded seeing you punch him in the face.” He didn’t want either of them to seriously hurt the other, but… it still would’ve been nice to see him get one hit in.

\---

“You missed a good fight. Isabela was too busy enjoying it, she kept forgetting to help Aveline break us up.” Varric chuckled under his breath, but quickly stopped when it hurt his lip. “She fussed at me for giving up at early as I did. I had to let him win though. For your safety.”

\---

He pulled back, frowning at him. “...You let him kick your ass?” He understood the reasoning, but it made him feel guilty. That he’d gotten this hurt to protect him.

\---

“Oh no, don’t get the wrong idea, Blondie. He got almost all of his hits in fair and square and I got in plenty of my own. I just let him have the last few hits and stayed down to wrap up the fight. I couldn’t let things go too far.” He leaned up to kiss him to try to steal the frown from his face. His swollen lip made the kiss feel a little odd and it was a bit painful, but he was happy to kiss him just the same.

\---

He nodded in understanding, feeling a little better about that. “Maybe you should’ve gone to the Circle… I hate seeing you like this.” He hated that he couldn’t take care of it. It was so frustrating and a hand raised to touch the collar of his robes without thinking about it, a gesture that he sometimes made unconsciously when he wanted his magic and couldn’t use it.

\---

“Nah, that would’ve just pissed Hawke off. I can handle it.” He ran a bandaged hand gently over Anders’ chest, looking serene. “It won’t be long now. I’ll get that chain off of you and you’ll be able to patch me up every time my mouth gets me into trouble like this.”

\---

He gave him a little smile and then reached for his clothes. “Come on, let’s get you dressed. Everyone’s sneaking peeks at my dwarf.” Unlikely, but it was fun to play possessive.

\---

“We can’t have that. I’m for your eyes only.” He sat up enough to help Anders to get his jacket and his sash back into place. “Of course, Rivaini helped me clean and dress my wounds last night so she got to see a little more than she’s used to. She was _pretty_ sure I had some leg injuries from that fight, but I assured her there were no wounds that required taking off my trousers.”

\---

“She really wants to know if you’ve pierced your cock,” he informed him, though he was sure he already knew. She’d probably asked him directly. More than once. He didn’t, of course, all of his piercings were in his ears, but he hadn’t felt the need to confirm or deny her wonderings and his wording said as much.

\---

“She’s asked, I’ve never told her.” She’d be disappointed that he wasn’t and it was better to keep it a mystery. “I’ve never considered doing it. But I did tell her that I’ve thought about piercing my nipples once or twice. It would go so nicely with my chest hair.” And it diverted her attention from his cock.

\---

His eyes lit up with interest, picturing it. It would look really nice, wouldn’t it? “...Let’s talk about this some other time,” he told him, his voice a little deeper. This was not the place to be getting into that, not when it was making him feel the way it was.

\---

“You like the idea, hmm?” He asked with a little smirk at his reaction. “Maybe I will do it after all then. Especially if it’s such a good idea we can’t even talk about it here in the clinic.”

\---

Anders nudged him and then stole a kiss, but was quick to pull back. “I have to clean up. Why don’t you find a cot to lay in? You can rest while you’re here.” He’d sit with him and do what work he could, but the dwarf had his attention. It would be difficult for anything to pull him away.

\---

“I could use a little more rest. And a little more gentle handling from my favorite healer whenever he isn't busy.” He enjoyed the kiss while it lasted and shifted to hop off of the table. He winced and held his side, limping a little as he made his way to one of the cots. It would be nice to lay down and maybe get a nap in, but it would be even better to wake to the gentle hands of his lover tending to him.


	46. Chapter 46

A few weeks later, Varric was making one his regular visits to the Hawke mansion. It was nice to see him out in the clinic and even out for cards again once he'd patched things up with Hawke. But he still came to see Anders on the days Hawke found it necessary to keep him home. He’d had to make a stop in the house before going up to Anders’ room, but once he did, he’d freed him and embraced him the way they always began such visits.

After he’d worn himself out spilling his seed into the mage’s body, he laid at his side, his head on the taller man’s shoulder. He was still very satisfied from his release, but he found himself frowning when he spotted the new bruises along Anders’ arm. He reached out to caress them lightly, always acknowledging any place the man keeping Anders captive had hurt him. “I don’t think I can sit by while he manhandles you much longer.” He murmured, breaking what had been a very comfortable silence after their moans had quieted. “I’ve been setting things in motion to get you out of here, but I think we should make our move soon.”

\---

He was relaxed and he didn’t even register that the touches were to his bruises, his eyes shut as he absently ran his fingers through the dwarf’s hair. His eyes opened as he spoke and when he looked down, he realized what it was he was referring to. “No, it’s too soon. He doesn’t give me enough freedom. He has to think I did it by myself, if I leave now, he’ll suspect that someone helped me. He’ll suspect you.” What he would do with that suspicion, he didn’t know, but he didn’t want to find out.

\---

“It’s not going to matter what he suspects. I’m going to make sure of it.” He said firmly, not wanting Anders to fret for him. “But it will go a lot smoother if you can be out of the house when it all goes down…” He sighed. “I know it would be better to wait until you have more freedoms. I just hate seeing what he does to you.” It used to be a lot more infrequent. Now he found new bruises on him almost every visit.

\---

“I’m okay,” he assured him, not really minding. He could wait. He didn’t want to be hurt, of course, but he knew it could be worse and he was thankful that it wasn’t. Getting hurt was worth being able to eventually safely remove himself from this situation - he’d long since learned the value of patience in this kind of matter.

“Will you tell me what you’re planning?”

—

“The less you know, the safer it is for you. In case something goes wrong.” He said softly and leaned in to steal a kiss from him. “If all goes to plan, Hawke is going to be doing some time in jail. Which will keep him safer than he is now starting fights with blood mages and keep you safe from him. If things go wrong, I’ll probably be the one behind bars for awhile. But if I involve you...they could do a lot worse to you than jail you. That’s why I can’t give you the details, Blondie.”

\---

He stared at him and then sat up suddenly, ruining their comfortable positioning. “What is it you’re doing, Varric? Jail? Why are you trying to put him in jail? Why are you _risking_ going to jail?” He would be distraught if instead of escaping, his dwarf was locked away and he was left on his own.

He could get out on his own, he knew, but what good was getting out if the dwarf wasn’t waiting for him?

—

Varric sat up with him and put a soothing hand on his chest. “Because it’s the safest for everyone and my schemes almost always work out. If he’s behind bars, he can’t hurt anyone. You’ll be free and we can get a lot done for the mages before he’s out. If it goes wrong, Rivaini will help you run and you’ll be safe while you wait a little while for me to talk my way out of jail. Either way, you’re out of here.”

\---

“No. No. Absolutely not.” He knew that they had to do something about Hawke, something to stop what he was doing, but he didn’t know if putting him jail was the right answer. He hadn’t done anything wrong… well, anything in the eyes of the law. He was troubled and the thought of being without Varric for any length of time was distressing.

“Whatever it is you’re planning, stop. We should come up with something together. Something when it gets closer to the time.”

—

“It’s already in motion, Blondie. The less you know, the better. Clearly I’ve already said too much.” He gave him an apologetic look, feeling bad that Anders didn’t like the potential outcomes. “I just need you to trust me. I know it’s a gamble, but you know me well enough to know that I don’t play fair. You’re going to get out of this safely and then we can sleep at my place for a change, cuddled up in furs with Lucy curled up by our pillows.”

\---

“No. No, you didn’t even consult me. I didn’t mean for you to do this on your own. I know how to escape, I’m not helpless, Varric. How could you plan something like this without me?” He turned away from him, crossing his arms and staring down at the floor.

—

“...Only because I thought it would be more dangerous for you if you knew. But I did keep your wishes in mind. No one gets hurt this way. Time in jail might even be what Hawke needs to sort himself out. I think power is a lot of what corrupted him and maybe being powerless for a little while could set him straight.” He gave Anders the space he wanted for the moment, withdrawing his hand. “Not that I want you to go running back to him when he gets out. I’m just saying that he might not be a problem for you or any other mage.”

\---

He frowned, knowing that he was right, but not liking it. He didn’t see what could be so dangerous about him knowing, but something drastic would have to happen if things were going to change. Though, thinking about it, things had begun to change already, hadn’t they?

“Did you do something? He was talking about people treating him differently… looking down on him. That was you, wasn’t it?”

\---

“Yeah, I’ve been working on that for a long time. Slow, steady damage to his reputation and credibility.” He said this almost sheepishly, not certain how Anders would react to the knowledge that he was behind it. “I’m sorry, Blondie. If I would have known it would upset you, I would have tried to keep you more involved in my scheming.”

\---

He was quiet for a time, then he turned to him. “Just don’t go to jail, Varric. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I couldn’t be with you when I got out of here.” What he was asking was a far cry from their agreement, but he could no longer see an expiration on their relationship and he would be hurt to learn that there still was one.

—

“And miss your first night of freedom from Hawke manor? I wouldn’t dream of it.” He pulled him in when he turned to him and stole a brief but passionate kiss from him. “In the interest of keeping me out of jail, I need to know something. Does Hawke still go into his mother’s room?”

\---

He returned the kiss, just as passionate, sliding his arms around him. He knew why he was asking. It was the only reason why he would ask that. He was going to plant something, wasn’t he? “No, I haven’t seen him go in there in a long time. “

—

“Good.” He had doubted it, but it was best to be sure. “How much longer do you want to wait? I know he’s been letting you go to the market, so that’s progress at least. Are you wanting to wait to see if he’d let you come visit the Hanged Man without him?”

\---

“I think when he takes me off the chain completely.” It still felt like that was a ways off. Even though he was letting him off of it, it must make him feel better to be able to feel secure most of the time. “Then when I leave, he’ll have no idea when I left or where I might be.”

—

“It probably won’t be very soon then.” He was disappointed. He wanted to get Anders out of there in a matter of weeks, but that was unlikely. There was also more risk for himself in holding out that much longer, but he didn’t feel Anders should know that. He was already upset about him risking a little jail time for this. “But it’s your decision, okay? I know I did a lot of this without consulting you already. But you decide when we do this.”

\---

He nodded, appreciating that. “Thank you.” He leaned in for a lingering kiss. “Come on, let’s fuck again.” The distraction would be appreciated. His hand slipped down and he brushed his fingers against his cock.

—

“And here I thought you’d just want to spend the rest of the day cuddling.” He couldn’t keep the smirk from his face as he teased, his cock giving a twitch of interest at even just the light touch from him. “Why don’t you ride me this time, Blondie? I’m craving the view…”

\---

He smiled and shifted to slip into his lap, straddling him. “I think I can do that.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. He’d give him whatever he wanted and he’d enjoy it just as much.


	47. Chapter 47

Hawke had been shunned more than usual through the day and his mood was poor as he headed for the clinic. He knew that the man there was going to be no happier to be near him than anyone else seemed to be. But Anders _couldn’t_ shun him, not really, and so he decided he wanted to walk home with him. To share the woes of the day with him because even if the mage didn’t care, he knew he would at least listen. He knew the clinic would be closing soon and so he wasn’t surprised to find that the door was open as Pia shepherded out a family who had been treated there. She greeted Hawke with a nod and let him step inside, assuming he was there to have a word with Anders since he was the man who funded the clinic.

Varric was with Anders in the nook of the clinic where the mage had once slept and kept his personal things, knowing their last patients had just left but not realizing someone else had come in. He had just shared one of many stolen kisses with Anders while the family of elves had been shown out and he took the opportunity while Anders was bent to feel him up, stroking a palm over his ass and ending the caress in a pinch.

\---

The pinch made him jump a little and Anders swatted his shoulder. “Varric,” he scolded playfully. He didn’t at all mind the touch, but there was fun in playing pretend. “Someone might see.” Actually, where they were no one would see and he’d come to love this nook. It gave him plenty of privacy to share kisses… whenever they could come up with a reason to isolate themselves.

He knew the women knew, but he didn’t care. He liked to pretend they were all ignorant and that their knowing looks and smiles meant nothing at all.

He grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled him into another kiss before he could respond, silencing whatever quip might be forming on his tongue.

\---

Seeing that he was nowhere in sight, Hawke had made his way back to Anders’ private nook of the clinic just in time to see his lover pull the dwarf in for a kiss. He froze where he was, gaping as he saw the passionate exchange. He could see that Varric’s eyes had closed and that his hand was on the mage’s ass, squeezing and kneading it despite the scolding he’d gotten.

\---

The continued touch made him smile into the kiss and it felt so nice that he only made a minor attempt at continuing his play. “What did I say?” he murmured against his lips, the hands gripping either side of his tunic tugging just a little, as if threatening to open it completely.

\---

“I don’t know, wasn’t listening. It’s always hard to listen when I’m touching your ass.” He took hold of his lower lip, sucking on it lightly while he gave a different spot a little pinch. “No need to pull that open. I haven’t pierced my nipples. Not yet, anyway.”

\---

He snickered and broke the kiss, giving him a quirked brow as he sank to his knees. “No need?” He slid his hand in to touch his bare skin, burying his fingers into the thick hair. “No need at all?” He brushed his thumb over one of his nipples, knowing that he would look really sexy with them pierced. But even without, he looked really sexy.

\---

“You’re right. The chest hair is always a reason.” His tone was a bit lower when his nipple was toyed with, a smirk on his lips. “Careful now. The girls are still here and you’re making me want to bend you over this cot…” He’d stayed after closing time with Anders a couple times to have a little fun in the clinic, but had always managed to stay well behaved enough when the nurses were still around.

\---

“Maybe I want you to bend me over this cot.” He’d like that, but they were pushing it. Too much time in the nook and he was sure their imaginations were running wild. “Maybe next time,” he murmured, trailing a finger up his chest and nudging his chin with it. “I should probably get back to work and you have somewhere to be, don’t you?”

\---

“I’ve always got someplace to be, Blondie. But my favorite place is with you.” He leaned in to take another kiss from him. A sweeter, lingering kiss since this would be the last one of the evening.

Hawke had seen and heard more than enough. He was silent as he moved away from the nook, moving to wait in a back corner of the clinic until he could get Anders alone. His stomach was turning, a roiling mix of rage, hurt, and jealousy. He needed to talk to Anders. Not that talking was going to be enough.

\---

He returned the kiss, obviously not wanting to let it go. When he did, it was with great reluctance and he brushed their noses together. “I’ll miss you,” he murmured, telling him this often. He always missed him, knowing that he couldn’t go to him whenever he wanted. It would be easier not to miss him if their time wasn’t so precious.

\---

Varric smiled and returned the brush of his nose. “I'll miss you too, Blondie. I'll see you tomorrow.” With that, he pulled away from him, always hating to do so, and started off. He gave him a little wave on his way out, only having eyes for him and not on alert for the man brooding in the back of the clinic while the nurses tidied up the place.

\---

He followed after him, leaving the nook to watch him go. A lingering smile tugged at his lips and even when he was out of sight, it didn’t completely fade. He turned back to what he’d been doing before this, mixing together some potions, what he could without magic, that was, and he got back to work.

\---

Hawke watched Anders in silent dismay for a few minutes before charging for him. He grabbed Anders by the back of his neck and flung him back into the nearest table. He was on him in a heartbeat, slapping him sharply across the face. “How long?! How long have you been cheating on me?!” The two young nurses rushed out of the clinic when the attack began, but the elderly dwarf Pia moved right in and whacked Hawke with her clipboard. “Get off of him!”

\---

The mage cried out, crashing hard into the table and before he could recover, he was struck. He realized who it was and his insides went cold, his hands lifting to catch his wrists to try and stop the attack. “Stop!” He was so stunned by his sudden appearance and what it meant that he was at a loss of what to say or do, besides stop him.

\---

Hawke snarled when his wrists were caught and he gripped him instead, pulling him to the floor and bashing his head against it. “No wonder you don't want to be around me! You've been busy fucking someone else! Someone I trusted!” He pulled a hand free from Anders to strike him again and when Pia grabbed it and tried to pull him off of the mage, he shoved the woman and sent her sprawling backwards.

\---

He was dazed and yelling, his entire body struggling against him, fingers digging into where he was grabbing to try and release his hold and get him off. “Stop! Garrett, stop it!” He was unaware of the dwarf woman trying to help him, too caught up in trying to get away.

\---

He used his free hand to strike him a few more times before releasing him, giving him just a bit of space to get up. He wanted him on his feet, looking him in the eye. “I thought it was the pirate I had to watch out for, but apparently you'd fuck anyone but me.”

\---

It took some stumbling to get to his feet, but as soon as he did, he was backing away. “Fuck you,” he spat, his eyes wet, but angry. “I was yours until you locked me in that fucking pantry. You don’t get torture someone and treat them like a wild beast and expect them to come crawling back to you. Varric is better to me than you’ve ever been!”

\---

“Bullshit! You were out with him that night you broke up with me! You've wanted him all along!” He grabbed a bottle from the table for potions and hurled it at Anders with a snarl. “You're mine! You'll always be mine!” He reached for another bottle but Pia was back on her feet, whacking him with her clipboard at him and fussing to leave Anders alone. It at least kept the second bottle from flying at the mage's face as he took the moment to shove the old nurse harder, warning her not to get up this time. She looked as if she didn't have it in her to get up this time, but she was clearly distraught - she was fond of Anders and even if she wasn't, she wouldn't tolerate such behavior in a medical facility.

\---

He barely managed to dodge the potion bottle and that was then he realized the third person with them. “Pia, go. Go get Varric.” It would keep her out of danger and he knew that he needed him. This was going to get nasty and he needed his help. He grabbed the nearest thing to him, a crutch that was usually given out to those who needed it and rarely given back, and held it in front of him, prepared to defend himself with it.

“You’re insane. You’ve been insane ever since your mom died and she would be so ashamed of you.” It felt so good to say these things to him. These things that he’d been holding in for so long. “I’m not yours, I’m Varric’s. I love Varric.”

\---

“She was proud of me. It was one of the last things she said to me.” Hawke spat at him, the raw hurt in his voice giving away how badly that wounded him. “You're mine! We're going to spend the rest of our lives together.” He saw the dwarf slowly getting to her feet, favoring one of her ankles and glanced to her. “Stay where you are. Varric is a dead man the next time I see him, you don't want to bring him here.”

\---

“She _was_ proud of you. I was proud of you too, but you changed. If she saw you now, she would be ashamed. Don’t you remember when you grabbed me in front of her and she slapped you for touching me like that? What do you think she would do if she knew you were beating me? That you were locking me up and threatening me?” She would be disgusted with him. “This is your fault, Garrett. I was so in love with you, I let you treat me like shit for so long. I was so in love with you, I would’ve spent the rest of my life with you, not knowing better.”

“I do, though, I know better and I’ll never be yours again.”

\---

“You _are_ mine. I love you so much.” He’d make him see that. He started toward him, heedless of the crutch Anders was wielding. “You'll come home with me and stay there until you understand how much I love you.”

\---

“You’re insane and you need help! Stay away from me!” He backed away from him, but when he got close enough, he didn’t hesitate to swing the crutch at him, landing a hit as solidly as he would have with his staff, despite the clunkiness of the weapon.

\---

Hawke cried out, having doubted that Anders would really hit him. but it didn't slow him for more than a beat. He was back on him once more, his hands wrapping around his throat. “I'm taking you home. Conscious or not.”

\---

He tried to swing it at him again, but he was too close at that point, so he dropped the crutch and he began to strike him, aiming at his face and holding nothing back. He was attacking him in a way that he never had before, showing no concern for him. He was a strong man, even weakened as he was from the being chained up for as long as he had been, and he was just as large as the man that had been beating him, if not as bulky.

\---

He was surprised by the strikes, taking them hard but dealing back just as many. He’d expected Anders to cower, to submit to him as he always had. But he’d beat him into compliance if that was what it took. He was just drawing back for another blow when he felt a searingly hot blaze of pain across his face and a buzzing in his right ear. He cried out and staggered backward, holding the side of his face that the bolt had grazed as blood began to seep between his fingers. He looked to the door, seeing a dwarf that made his blood boil even hotter.

Varric still had Bianca trained on the rogue, both of the young nurses who had brought him hiding behind him in the doorway. “Take another three steps back from Blondie or the next one goes between your eyes.”

\---

Anders took the opportunity when it was given to him, rearing back and punching him so hard that he heard his own knuckles crunch. Then he fled, running to the door and to his dwarf, practically forcing his way past him so he could duck behind him. “Varric,” he croaked, his hands shaking as he clutched at his shirt.

\---

The dwarf’s heart was pounding, hating seeing Anders so badly beaten up and so frightened. He didn’t think he had it in him to kill a friend, even a former friend who had done horrific things like Hawke, but he was surprised by just how steady his hands were as he kept Bianca pointed at Hawke. “Go to the Hanged Man and wait for me there.”

\---

“No.” He didn’t want to go anywhere without him. He didn’t know what would happen and he couldn’t just wait to see if he came. What if he didn’t come? What if he was greeted by the rogue he was so terrified of? “Come on, let’s just go. We’ll go together.”

\---

“We can’t go together, I’ve got to put a stop to this.” He could see that Hawke was recovering from the bolt and the devastating punch that Anders had dealt him, starting to move in on them despite the crossbow aimed at him. “Go to the Hanged Man. Take the nurses with you if you want. When I come back, Hawke will be safe behind bars and I’m going to finally get that fucking collar off of you.”

\---

“No.” He was freaking out, trying to pull him back and making his aim all the more tricky. “Please, let’s go. I’m scared, don’t make me go without you.” He certainly sounded it and as the man recovered, Anders pulled on Varric all the harder.

\---

His hands finally grew a bit shaky when Anders started to tug on him, making him lose his aim. He wasn’t afraid to hurt Hawke. He was afraid of not being able to protect Anders. “He’s going to hunt us both down if we go together. Go there and wait for me. I love you.” He’d never said it, hadn’t even given it much thought. But he knew he meant it. “Go.” He said and gave Anders a push back into the nurses before he rushed into the clinic with Hawke and closed the door behind him.

\---

Anders stared after him with wide eyes, having stumbled back from the push. It took several beats for him to turn, but when he did, he looked at the nurses. “Go. Find somewhere safe and go.” They couldn’t go with him. It wasn't safe for them to be around him. He fled to the Hanged Man as he as told and when he got there, he tried to get into the dwarf’s room, but it was locked.

He looked over at Isabela’s door and though it was unlikely… he had to try. He went to it and began to bang on it, needing her to answer.

\---

Isabela had been sharpening her blades for a night out on the town when the frantic knock came. She wasn’t sure who or what to expect but when she opened the door and saw the state of Anders, her jaw dropped. “Oh Handsome, get in here. What happened?” She asked, grabbing him by the wrist and tugging him into her room. The last thing she wanted was for him to stay out in the open hallway and risk Hawke seeing him at her door.

\---

He jerked his arm back from her, shaking his head. “No, let me into Varric’s room and then you have to go to the clinic. Hawke knows. He saw us and they’re going to kill each other, please.” He didn’t know what Varric was going to do, but he had no doubted that Hawke would try to kill him and he needed help.

\---

Her eyes widened further but she did as she was told, moving out of her room and plunging her fingers into her hair to find her picks. “How much does he know? Does he know about the things in Leandra’s room?”

\---

He stared at her, stunned to hear her mention something that even he wasn’t supposed to know about. “No, he knows everything else.” He knew it was important to answer honestly and really, now wasn’t the time to get upset about who knew what.

\---

“Okay. I know what to do then.” It was a relief. If Hawke knew too much, it would be a disaster. She picked the lock for him and moved so he could head inside. “I’ll be back. Don’t you worry about a thing, Handsome.”

\---

“Please, help him. Don’t let him hurt him.” For all he knew, it was already over and the dwarf was… He couldn’t think it. He choked on the thought. He didn’t want her to linger, so he didn’t want for an answer, closing himself in the room. The door locked behind him and then he looked around, seeking safety and seeing none. As such, he crawled beneath the bed and hid.

\---

It wasn’t how the plan was meant to go, but being a rogue and a pirate was all about improvising. Isabela sought out the man who had been paid off in advance to report Hawke’s ‘crime’ when the time was right. That the man already known to be crazy for hunting and killing people that he even suspected to be mages had been stealing from the templars and even the chantry. That he was taking people prisoner in his home and exacting his own justice. They’d have no proof that he’d killed anyone, but the evidence of Anders’ captivity and the stolen goods planted in Leandra’s room should be enough to have him jailed but not enough to have him hanged. Of course, it was not in the plan for Hawke to be in an all-out war with Varric, so the man was to report that Hawke was now convinced even his closest friends were mages. That he’d been seen in the Darktown clinic fighting with a long-term comrade of his.

Isabela had gone to the clinic afterwards, finding that both men were down. At first, she feared that what Anders had said had been right. That they’d killed each other. But Pia was diligently working on them both and the pirate moved in to help her apply pressure to wounds while the dwarf quickly stitched and bandaged the damage their blades had carved into each other.

It didn’t take long for both guards and templars to come to the clinic, clearly ready for a battle but realizing they were late to the party. They took Hawke with them, insisting that he needed to be healed by the mages at the Circle and questioned while their other men finished searching the mansion. They offered to take Varric as well, but Isabela refused. Pia had stabilized him and there was a perfectly skilled healer waiting for him at the Hanged Man. It was a chore to carry both the dwarf and his crossbow back to the tavern, but she got him there and he was slung over her shoulder when she knocked on the door. “Let me in, Handsome. My hands are full of your dwarf.”

\---

The knock at the door had him shutting his eyes, his entire body tense, and it took a few beats, even after hearing the familiar voice and what came with it, for him to crawl back out. He was shaking as he unlocked the door and opened it, but as soon as he saw Varric, he was pulling him in. “Oh Maker, please.” His fingers right to his neck, feeling for a pulse as he slumped with him to the ground.

\---

“He’s alright. When I got there, that old bitchy nurse lady was stitching him up. Hawke is okay too, the guards were taking him to be healed before they toss him in the hole.” Isabela assured him as she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, giving Anders and Varric space on the ground. “How do I give you your magic back?” Varric had talked about doing it when this was over, but he’d never told her just how he was going to do that.

\---

He didn’t care about Hawke. He realized he didn’t care if he was dead or alive and the information did nothing for him. He was weeping, curling over the dwarf and clutching at him as if letting go would mean losing him. “The necklace,” he told her, when he could speak, lifting a hand to his collar. “It’s a suppression device.”

\---

“Let me see…” She sat down behind him on the floor, getting comfortable while she turned the chain over in her fingers and inspected it. “I’ll have to see if I have a lockpick this small. If I don’t, I bet Varric does…” While she dug in her hair beneath her scarf, Lucy finally made her way out of hiding. She moved to Anders and Varric, sniffing at her master’s hair, then rubbing her cheek into it.

\---

Anders was too caught up in the dwarf to pay attention to anything else. “Varric, my love, come back to me.” He didn’t like seeing him like this and he would continue to feel frightened until he was okay. He stroked his fingers over his cheeks, wetting them with his own tears, as he willed him to wake up.

\---

It took her some time and a few broken lockpicks to make any progress on the necklace. It was a complicated, tiny lock and really, she was enjoying the challenge. Of course, she would have really enjoyed it with the rush of trying to pry it open in the middle of a heist with guards about to find her. But the mage breaking down over Varric, though she was still pretty sure he was stable, would have to do. Finally she got it to release and the chain fell from his neck, prompting a thrilled little squeal from her for besting the lock. “And just like that, you’re a healer again.”

\---

He pulled in a shuddering gasp, feeling the power flood back into him. He’d forgotten what it felt like and for a moment, his tears hardened, but he was quick to use the power to heal the dwarf. An all encompassing spell that saw every wound mending all at once, leaving only the thread of stitches behind.

\---                                                                                                                                                          

“He’s as good as new. You should fix yourself up too.” Hawke had done a number on Anders as well, though she was sure he hadn’t even remembered his own injuries. She stood and went to rummage in Varric’s things, finding some soft clothes, some water, and a clean cloth. “Let’s get him cleaned up so we can put him in bed, okay?”

\---

He shook his head, digging into his tunic and wrinkling the fabric. “Wake up, please,” he begged him, going so far as to give him a shake. Not at all what he would be doing if it were anyone else and this were any other situation. He couldn’t calm until he was conscious.

\---

The shake seemed to help bring him around a little, especially after the surge of magic. His eyes fluttered a little and opened though they didn’t seem to see anything. He was trying to orient himself, assuming that he was still in the clinic and he was still in combat. His hand started to grope for his dagger that he been on the floor beside him before Pia had moved him, finding nothing but Anders.

\---

He saw his eyes open and he ducked down, practically grabbing his head as he slid his arms around it and pulled it in to cradle him. “Varric,” he sobbed, hunched over him and rocking, a mess inside and out.

\---

“Blondie…” He was awake enough to be aware of who was holding him, which started to set off alarm bells about where he was. Had Anders never left the clinic? Was Hawke still there? His breathing grew rapid and he grasped weakly at Anders in return, trying to pull himself to sit up. “Where is Hawke? I have to stop him…”

\---

He didn’t know what to say and he looked up at Isabela. She could tell him what happened far better than he could. All he knew was they they had Hawke… whether it remained that way still remained to be seen. The look he gave her asked her to speak for him, while he busied himself with stroking his hand over his face and through his hair.

\---

“It’s over. The guards have him and I got that necklace off of your pretty mage. That’s why you probably feel a hell of a lot better.” Isabela reported when she was called on. She was still standing by, hoping for an excuse to help undress and scrub the men.

Varric soaked up the attention from Anders, trying to process what had been happened. “We’re not at the clinic. They arrested him and I missed it?”

\---

Rather than answer him, he addressed something else entirely when he spoke. “I love you too,” he told him, his tears still dripping down onto him and being wiped away as he gave him all of the attention and affection he could with his hands.

\---

That brought a tired smile to his lips. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that. I’m sorry I waited for such a dire moment to do it.” That wasn’t exactly true. He hadn’t been thinking of saying it. It was only once the words were out of his mouth that he really reflected on them and knew that they were true. That they’d been true for awhile. Still, he did wish he could have made such a declaration in a quiet moment between just the two of them. “You’re still hurt. You need to heal yourself.”

\---

He gave him a watery smile, the emotions seeming to finally wane. “As if you would tell me any other time,” he murmured, fingers tracing his features. He was so relieved that he was with him. “I can’t. I can’t until after I do something.” He would heal himself, but not until he made use of the mess.

\---

“Just don’t wait too long. I’ve seen him hurt you so many times. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.” He was so soothed by the touches and he closed his eyes, wanting to stay awake but knowing it would be so easy to fall back under beneath Anders’ gentle fingers. “You can finally spend the night here with me and Lucy. Just like we wanted.”

“I was just thinking we should get you cleaned up and get you to bed. You’ve both been bloodied and you’ll ruin those nice furs.” Isabela chimed in hopefully.

\---

He smiled, but it was pained. It would take some time for all of this to really settle and he was hurting pretty bad. His entire face ached and his hand was definitely broken. He would need to set and splint it until he was ready to heal it. “Let’s get him in bed.” He didn’t care about himself. As long as he was free, he could take care of himself - he just wanted to take care of Varric.

He began to carefully strip him of his clothing, using his uninjured hand for most of the work.

\---

“It doesn’t hurt. I haven’t been spoiled to real healing like yours in a long time.” Varric was weak and tired, but he was able to shift to help get his clothes off. When he was left in his trousers, he gave Isabela a pointed look. “You can help clean the top half of me, Rivaini. You’ve got no business below my waist.”

“I carried you _and_ Bianca here from the clinic. You owe me.” Her tone was playful. She wasn’t in a particularly needy mood, too much had happened in such a short span of time. But any excuse to undress and rub down a man was fun.

\---

He looked up at her and after considering what he had to say, he agreed. She didn’t need to to stay or see anything that wasn’t hers to see. “You can go. I appreciate your help, thank you for bringing him back to me, but I need some time alone with him. I can take care of him.”

\---

“It was worth a try. I'll be next door if you need anything.” The pirate rose to her feet and started out, smiling when she heard Varric thank her as well. She knew she needed to lay low for awhile, but she wanted to know what was going on with Hawke so she went downstairs for a drink to see if people were already talking about it.

Varric's hand moved to some of the places he remembered being cleaved, knowing that they had all been mended but feeling like his skin was especially tight there. He could feel the stitches still in him, his brow furrowing in surprise.

\---

“I’ll get those out of you soon,” he assured him, knowing what he was touching. He didn’t need the stitches and so he would take them out and heal the marks they left behind. He took up the cloth that Isabela had been holding and after dipping it in the water, began to clean him gingerly, as if he was still wounded.

\---

“That feels nice. You don't have to do that though. I'll be fine after a little rest, you're still hurt.” He closed his eyes, rather liking the care he was getting despite his words. He heard Lucy's anxious little meows and she rubbed herself along the length of his arm, upset by all the commotion and that no one had greeted her and he shifted his hand to give her a stroke.

\---

“I’m okay.” Physically, he wasn’t, but if this was almost over, then he was okay. He tended to him and then pulled one of the dwarf’s daggers to make careful cuts to his stitches so he could pull the out, healing as he went. “I’ll have you in bed and resting soon,” he assured him, pulling off his pants so he could finish cleaning him.

\---

“It'll be the first time we've shared my bed.” He said with a smile. They'd talked about it, but it was finally about to happen. “You'll finally spend the night with me.”

\---

He gave him a little smile. “Luckily, I already know how comfortable your bed is.” He paused in what he was doing to brush his fingers against his jaw. “I’m sure it’ll be even more comfortable with you beside me.”

\---

“You'll find out soon.” He leaned into the touch lightly, meeting his gaze. “Blondie...I'm really sorry we had to do this before you were ready. I promised you it wouldn't happen until you said so.”

\---

He was quiet for a time - it did upset him that it had happened like this - but after long enough, shook his head. “It’s not your fault that he found us. We could’ve have been more careful, but it worked out, didn’t it?” In a terrible way, but really, he’d never expected this to work out in a good way.

\---

“It did. It worked. And I stayed out of jail, as promised.” He’d nearly been stabbed to death and that wasn't part of the plan, but it had still worked out. “You're free, which is most important.”

\---

“Are you certain? What if he convinces them that he didn’t do what they think he did?” What if he managed to turn it around on him? He couldn’t help but fret and his face broke, his features collapsing as he cradled him. “What if he gets out? I was so scared, Varric.” He had been scared not only for the dwarf, but for himself, for what would happen if he managed to get what he wanted and took him back.

\---

“Half of the town thinks he's crazy. They're going to find your chains and the things I planted in the house. Don't be afraid, I'll make sure it worked…” He wrapped his arms around Anders in return, wanting to soothe him but afraid to hurt him more.

\---

He couldn’t help but be afraid, even with the assurances. He’d been living in fear for a long time and it would take a longer time still for him to accept that he was safe. After a long moment, he resumed what he was doing, cleaning him off and then grabbing the clothes that had been picked out for him to help dress him.

\---

Varric helped as much as he could, weary but wonderfully without pain. It was so nice to be healed properly again. Not that the Circle healers did a poor job, he just tended to only use them if he was seriously hurt for the price they asked. “We can go back soon to get your things out of the house. And I think Rivaini is going to take Pickles for awhile, she likes the idea of having a beast to guard her treasures when she’s away.”

\---

He wasn’t worried about his things, not now, but he nodded. “I think Pickles would be happy with her.” He didn’t want to take the mabari himself, but he did want to make sure had a good home. Even if she didn’t hold on to him, she could at least provide him a good temporary home. “Let’s get you up.” He began to pull him to his feet, taking his weight, though it made him wince to do so. He walked him over to the bed and helped sit him down on the edge of it so that he could lay back and get comfortable.

\---

“You never have any problem getting me up, Blondie.” He couldn’t help but joke despite knowing Anders was still anxious. He let him guide him over to the bed and he settled back on his furs, sighing softly. “It’s so nice to be home. But it’s so much nice to have you with me.” He murmured, giving Anders a tug in hopes he would lay down with him.

\---

The joke would’ve won a chuckle from him any other time, but all he could offer was a strained smile. He just was relieved that they were together and that he was well enough to joke at all. “I need to clean myself up a little… I’ll come lay down in a little bit.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips, before getting up and striping down to his underrobes. He used the same rag and the same water as he had with Varric to begin gingerly blotting his own skin, his hand shaking as he tended to numerous wounds by feel  - the dwarf had a mirror, but he wasn’t interested in seeing himself.

\---

He frowned as he watched him, able to see more of the damage now that he cleaned himself. “You won’t leave those wounds for long, will you? I hate that he hurt you so badly and I wasn’t there to stop him.  I should have known he was nearby, but my head was up in the clouds when I was leaving…”

\---

“No, not too long.” He dipped the rag back into the water and continued to carefully clean himself. When he’d gotten most of it, he used his herbal knife and to cut strips from the robes that had been bought to cover his wounds. He didn’t want to keep them and so he had no qualms about destroying them for this purpose, even though Varric likely had bandages laying around. It was, after all, their intended purpose.

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault, we both should have been more careful.” He was repeating what he’d already said, but he meant it. They’d gotten caught up in each other, as they had so many times before, and this time they had paid the price for their carelessness, but it had worked out.

He began to use the strips to wrap his hand, setting it with grimace and securing his fingers and wrist with some struggling.

\---

“I know we both weren’t careful. But if I had been paying more attention, he wouldn’t have had so much time to hurt you before Gina caught up to me. He could have killed you.” He watched him and started to sit up while he was setting his hand, hating to see him struggle to try to do it himself.

\---

“He wasn’t going to kill me.” His voice was soft, but carried through the silent room . “He wasn’t even going to take me to the Circle. He was going to take me home and probably put me back in the pantry.” He would’ve thought he’d dump him on the Circle steps after all he’d said and done, but he’d made it clear in his anger and his hurt that he just wanted to take him home. As such, he knew what would’ve been in store for him had he succeeded. He would’ve been left in there until he was broken.

“Besides, I hurt him as much as he hurt me.” Or so he thought. He hadn’t really gotten a look at him when all was said and done, but he’d finally fought back.

\---

“I know you hurt him back. I’m glad you finally could after everything he’s done to you.” He pushed himself up to his feet, slowly and carefully making his way back to Anders. “Is anything else broken? Let me help you…”

\---

He shook his head. “I’m okay,” he told him, his eyes fixing on the dwarf’s knees. He really wasn’t okay. He kept telling himself that he was okay, but he was far from okay. He’d gone through a lot and he wasn’t letting himself stop to feel the emotions that came with all that  - he’d not had a moment to process anything apart fear and relief.

\---

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.” He reached up to touch his face gingerly, picking one of the places that wasn’t swollen from one of Hawke’s fists. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

\---

“I don’t know.” He didn’t know what he needed and even though he was tired of tears, they began to thicken in his eyes. “I just need you.” He lifted his eyes to him and then he reached for him, trying to pull him in.

\---

“I need you too, Blondie.” He held him gently when he was pulled in, closing his eyes. “I didn’t think I’d hold you again today when I left earlier. Now I can hold you whenever I want.”

\---

He shut his eyes as well, but as soon as the arms were around him, he began crying. Not the silent tears that the dwarf was likely use to. Even when he sobbed, he did so silently, only his hitching breaths and sniffles making any audible sound. This was different from all of that, giving into it the way a child might, the fingers of his good hand grabbing at his shirt and holding firmly.

\---

“It’s alright now.” Varric assured him, though he didn’t do anything to urge his tears to a stop. Anders probably needed to cry, to really cry and let some of his feelings out after living in the control of a crazy man for so long. He gave him some time to simply weep before he started to carefully guide him toward the bed.

\---

Anders followed after him, childlike in that regard as well, and as soon as they were close enough to the bed, he sank down on top of it and buried his face in his hands, though he was clearly putting more pressure on one of them.

\---

Varric guided Anders to lay down once he’d settled on the bed, pulling up a fine down pillow for him and covering him with one of his most luxurious furs. He settled at his side, using a hand to stroke over him gently and staying silent so he could continue to give in to his emotions.

\---

He curled up, comfortable beneath the fur, though he reached for the dwarf as soon as he was close enough, cuddling up to him. He helped to calm him and after a while, his was able to catch his breath and all that was left behind was moisture on his cheeks, soaking into the dwarf’s shirt as he hid there instead.

\---

“Do you want to spend the night with me? You don’t have to if you’ve got better things to do with your first night free to go wherever you like.” He asked with a soft smile in his voice, knowing the answer. But it was still nice to acknowledge that Anders had options. That he was no longer bound to the same room in the same house for the night.

\---

“I want to spend every night with you,” he murmured, stuffy. “I told him the truth. I told him that I wasn’t his. That I was yours and that I love you.” His lips quirked a little, realizing something that helped bring back his humor. “So technically, I said it first.”

\---

“You told him that?” Varric asked, finding that it broadened the smile on his lips. “You told Hawke all of those things?” It was impressive to him that he’d dare to say all that. But then, he also had dared to fight back this time.

\---

“Yes. He’d seen us kiss. He knew that we’d been intimate. I knew there was no point in pretending. I knew I wasn’t going to go back with him willingly.” He’d told him truth of it. “I knew you’d come back and I thought we’d leave together… but we’re together now.”

\---

“We are. And even if you said it first, you didn’t say it to _me_ first. So It doesn’t count.” He teased and cuddled up a little closer to him. “You’ve never really gotten to spend the night with me other than nights out camping on missions. You might change your mind about sleeping with me every night when you hear me snore.”

\---

His lips tugged up in a smile, still weak as before, but true. “It does count,” he argued, seeking his lips softly. “I said it first.” He was in such pain, but the comfort was countering it. “ _You_ might change _your_ mind when you realize how much I hog the sheets.” He continued to kiss him, needing his affection and attention.

\---

“You won’t need to hog the sheets when I have so many furs. If you do, I’ll buy more.” He was just as hungry for his kisses and he took plenty of his own from him. “And I didn’t hear it so it doesn’t count.”

\---

“It does count,” he insisted, growing even more insistent with his mouth. “I love you.” He loved him so much and though he already knew the answer, he wanted to hear something from him. “So if we love each other, does that mean that we’re staying together? Even though I’m free and we agreed to only stay together while I was while I wasn’t?”

\---

“I love you too. And I said it first.” His kisses reflected the ones he was getting, becoming longer and more needy as they went on. “We never said we _had_ to go our separate ways once you were free. You’re no longer Hawke’s, you can be with anyone in Thedas you want. Including me.”

\---

“Then I want to stay yours,” he confirmed, parting his lips and to try and slip his tongue into his mouth. “Touch me, Varric,” he begged, between swipes of his tongue, wanting his hands on him, like he’d done for him so often in the beginning. “I’m yours.”

\---

“And I’m yours.” He welcomed the tongue into his mouth, enjoying the novelty of kissing Anders on his bed for the first time after so many nights thinking about it. He’d been stroking his body over the fur but his hand slipped beneath it now, tugging the underrobe out of his way and running his fingers over his bare skin.

\---

His skin was sensitive, having been thrown around and bruised, but his face had taken most of the damage and so it wasn’t so bad. His body blushed wherever his fingers strayed and he sighed into his mouth, his tongue working against the dwarf’s as intently as all his kisses before.

\---

His hand kept wandering low, knowing Anders was likely less injured down there. And of course, there was a part of him he was always wanting to touch in that vicinity. He knew it might not be appreciated so soon after being attacked. But it may also be a nice way to break in their first night together free and their first night in this bed. As the kiss grew more heated, his hand moved to Anders’ cock and he give it a few gentle squeezes to test the water and see if he wanted that.

\---

He tensed and his hand shot down to stop him, before realizing what he was doing and who he was with. “...I’m sorry,” he breathed, ducking his head down, but even as he apologized, he moved his hand to his thigh. He’d liked to have him, but it was so soon and he was hurting too much.

\---

“Don’t be sorry.” He was perfectly content to stroke his thigh and hips instead. They had any other night to break in the bed and the new stage of their relationship. He kissed him again, wanting to show him that this was fine with him.

\---

He met the kiss, tentatively, then more intensely. He came right back from the placed he’d hunkered himself and he slid his tongue back into his mouth. “I love you, my sweet dwarf.” He murmured when he had the chance, knowing that he’d never tire of telling him.

\---

“I love you too, Blondie.” He murmured when the kiss was broken momentarily but fell right back into it. He kissed him hungrily, though he didn’t mean to try to escalate the kisses to anything more again. He was simply addicted to him and couldn’t get enough. They could simply do this until they fell asleep, cuddled close through the night and able to rest with the comfort that there was no time restraints on this visit.


	48. Chapter 48

The next morning, Anders got an early start. Without having eaten, not really having the stomach for it, he’d made his way to the Hawke mansion before the sun broke from the horizon. Just stepping inside had been scary. He’d had to hold Varric’s hand the entire time and even then, his head had snapped up frequently, as if expecting _someone_ to jump out and attack them as they gathered his things.

They’d been in and out, owning little, and shutting the door behind him had felt like closing the chapter on that part of his life. It had been a relief, knowing that he would never step foot in there again, but the relief wasn’t as piercing as he’d hoped and by the time he’d piled all of his things on Varric’s table and dressed in his old robes, he was already on to the next thing.

There were so many things that he felt he had to do that day, but none so as important as what came next. He’d told Varric, when he woke, that he needed to see Bethany. She was the only family that Hawke had and in turn, he was the only family that Bethany had. If someone was going to tell her what had happened, it needed to be him. He owed her that much and in some way, he felt she owed him just as much. There were things he wanted to ask her, things he wanted to know, and he intended on getting answers.

It was dangerous for him to go to the Gallows, but it hadn’t dissuaded him from this path. He needed to do it, regardless of the danger it posed, but Varric had insisted on coming with him and like at the mansion, holding his hand had made it so that it wasn’t so scary.

They’d stayed together until it was time to speak with her. Anders had made it clear that he wanted to speak to her on his own and so when she was escorted into the room by a templar, Anders alone was sitting at the table, his face a discolored and split with several cuts that still looked raw after the minimal attending they’d gotten.

\---

Bethany was surprised to hear that her guest was anyone but her brother. No one else ever came to see her. She was looking a little rough herself - her hair cut short and her face free of makeup as Anders had suggested, dark circles beneath her eyes and her figure gaunt from the weight she’d lost while in the Circle. Her eyes were wide when she sat down and got a good look at Anders, her voice quiet and anxious. “...What happened?”

\---

He was somewhat taken aback by the sight of her - she didn’t look at all like how she’d been described to him. He realized he didn’t know how much of what he’d been told about her was true or not, but it wouldn’t surprise him to learn that he’d been lied to all this time. He was expressionless as she sat down, studying her and seeing a lot of the man that had done so much damage to him in her.

“Your brother happened.”

\---

She looked stricken at that. Heartbroken… but not all that surprised. “I knew he was a danger. I didn’t think he would be a danger to you. He still tells me how much he loves you. ...Is it true what they’re saying? Did he steal relics from the templars to kill mages?”

\---

It wasn’t, but she didn’t need to know that. “I don’t know, I’ve been chained to a bed for the last few months, so I’m not really caught up on all the fucked up things he’s been doing to everyone else.”

\---

There was a lump forming in her throat and she looked down to the table. Could her brother have really done something like that? Not the Garrett she knew from before she’d been captured, but maybe the one that had been visiting her since their mother died. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

\---

“Yeah, he wasn’t really keen on telling anyone he was keeping me prisoner and beating me.” He was being so harsh in his words, taking his anger at all that had been done to him and pushing it on her.

\---

That didn’t sound like her brother at all. He was quick to anger, sometimes even a aggressive. But never like that. She folded her hands on the table, staring down at them as a few stray tears began to fall. “Our mother would never have allowed him to treat you like that. She was always fond of you. As am I.”

\---

“Your mother isn’t here, Bethany. She’s dead and it was her dying that made him snap. That made him decide that all mages, myself included, were animals that needed to be caged. I tried to convince him otherwise and you know what he told me? ‘Bethany likes the Circle. She agrees with the Circle and if she can say that from inside the Circle, how bad can it really be?’” No, he’d never said it in those words, but it was close enough. “You made him feel like what he was doing was okay and that’s why I’m here. To tell you that your brother is a psychopath and that he’ll probably never come to see you again. He’s imprisoned for the foreseeable future.”

Whether that was true or not, he didn’t know, but if they really nailed him for everything that he’d done and hadn’t done, then it wasn’t at all unlikely that he’d spend the rest of his life in a cell.

\---

She was devastated by what she was hearing and it took her a moment to gather herself enough to speak to him. “I told him I’m happy here, I didn’t want him risking any lives trying to get me out. I really do like the girls I live with here and I enjoy teaching the young mages. Even if I wasn’t content to stay, do you think I’d tell him I’m miserable here with my constant audience?” She nodded her head toward the templar at the door who was standing by and pretending not to listen. “When I heard what he was doing, I told him he had to stop hunting mages down. He didn’t want to hear it. I started refusing his visits after that and I guess...I guess now I won’t get them anymore. But I don’t think he was really my brother anymore anyway.” Her voice was breaking by the end of it, her tears hardening as the reality of it really set in.

\---

“What is it you think I’ve been fighting for? That all mages fight for?” He was heedless of the templar at the door. He didn’t care what they thought and what he had to say wouldn’t be of any surprise, he was sure. “Have I _ever_ said that mages coming together to learn or be among their own was a bad thing? Do you somehow think it impossible that you could befriend those same girls or teach young mages in a world where you don’t have a ‘constant audience’?” He shook his head. “I would have no problem with the Circles if they were a place of learning, rather than a place of imprisonment, and maybe if you had thought about it for a minute, you would’ve realized that there are alternatives and that pretending like this is okay is hurts _everyone_.”

“Maker, Bethany. Do you know how much would’ve been different if I had been able to convince him to get you out? To move you and your mother someplace safer? No, you had to try to be noble and look where that got us. I hope that you are as happy as you said you were, otherwise it’s pointless how many people have been hurt thanks to your brother.”

\---

“I just didn’t want him to endanger anyone to free me when I knew I could survive here. I don’t know why you’re putting all of this on my shoulders. I remember you being a lot kinder.” Then again, she remembered her brother being a lot kinder too. “I didn’t make my brother a monster. He wouldn’t hear me when I told him what he was doing was wrong.”

\---

“You did. Learn to accept it, or don’t, I don’t care.” He had nothing else to say to her. His questions were gone. He’d heard enough from her and he didn’t need answers. He felt no better having come or having learned the truth of it. Her lies or truths, whatever she wanted to call them, had fueled a fire. It wasn’t all on her, but she’d played a part and he doubted she would ever accept her responsibility for how her brother had snapped.

He rose to his feet and without another word to her, he started for the door. He needed to get out of his place and he needed the dwarf waiting for him on the other side.

\----

Varric was waiting anxiously on the other side, not liking having a door between himself and Anders with a templar in the room. When the door opened, he could hear Bethany sobbing and he immediately took Anders’ hand, holding it tightly as their own templar escort started to lead them out. “Did you say what you needed to say?”

\---

“Yes.” He felt like he was scouring his wounds doing this, but he needed it. He needed to get all of this out. He wasn’t done, but maybe after he put it all out there, after he told everyone the part they’d played in making the monster that had hurt him, he would be able to move past this.

\---

Varric nodded and then was quiet for once on the rest of the walk out. He felt considerably better once they were out of the Gallows and he breathed a sigh as he looked up to his lover. “On to the next, then.” He knew there was more to do. He’d help the mage with whatever it was he needed to start healing from this and he’d be thrilled to do it away from the templars.

\-----

Later that evening, the group was beginning to gather at the Hanged Man. They all knew what had happened to their leader and had been willing enough to to drop everything to get together and discuss what was to happen. Isabela was one of the first to arrive, bringing along a very skittish Merrill. She knew Hawke was behind bars, but it did little to make her feel safe, especially when Fenris arrived. The warrior looked extremely uncomfortable, especially when he took his seat and the blood mage moved to sit as far away from him as she could get in the room. They were wary of each other, but both of their gazes kept going back to Anders.

 He looked terrible. It was strange and unnerving to see the group’s healer in such poor shape. Even Pickles’ presence was very strange, the mabari limping and looking miserable as he kept himself at Isabela’s side. Aveline was the last to arrive, her hands quite full with Hawke’s incarceration. She took her seat, looking exhausted but quickly honing in on Anders’ condition. She shifted uncomfortably, the sight of him both drawing her eyes and compelling her to look away.

“I’m glad you all could make it on such short notice, but given the circumstances, I trusted you all would be here.” Varric began when they were assembled, his tone solemn. “Obviously things are going to be different from here on out. Those of you who still want to work as a group will have to understand that we’re taking things in a _very_ different direction than Hawke did after he lost his mother and his mind. Of course, any of you are free to go your own way if that’s what you prefer, but not until you’ve heard Blondie out.” With that he moved aside, knowing that Anders had plenty to say to them.

\---

This was going to be hard. Harder than confronting Bethany had been. Really, that had been easy. He’d said what needed to be said and walked out. This wasn’t going to be easy. Though Bethany’s choices had changed a lot, she hadn’t meant them maliciously. The same couldn’t be said for everyone sitting at the table and as they filed in, he kept his eyes down.

He couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them as they settled, but he felt their eyes and after Varric spoke, he felt them all the more acutely. It was his turn, but it took a while for him to speak, having so much to say that it was hard to know where to begin. “It’s been a while since we’ve all been together, hasn’t it?” He finally looked between all of them and then his eyes drifted to the conspicuously empty seat beside him. “Though, I suppose we’re not all together, are we?”

He shook his head and turned his eyes on Merrill. “I know I’ve never really seen eye to eye with you, Merrill, but I’m glad that you’re alright and I’m sorry I didn’t do more when I could have. I was complacent, as we all were to varying degrees.” His eyes flicked to the pair that had assisted Hawke the most in his path of and to destruction.

Eyes on Aveline, “Some of us were content to turn a blind eye.”

Eyes on Fenris, “Some of us were happy to encourage.”

“I know that most of you don’t know all that happened, just as I don’t, but the reason I’ve gathered you all here is to tell you what happened to me, a mage and the person most loved by Hawke.” He was sure they could gather a lot by knowing what they already did and seeing the state of him, but he was going to make them listen to everything. To know just how complacent they really were, whether they wanted to or not and whether they cared or not.

“It started, as I’m sure you know, with the death of Hawke’s mother. He went from wanting to help mages escape from the Circle to wanting to round them up and put them in the Circle en masse. Surely you’ve wondered how I, a mage, fit into that?”

Probably not. They probably wanted him to stop talking all together.

“Well, at first he just hit me. I let him hit me because he was in pain and he was trying to find someone to blame and as it so happened, mages were a perfect fit for his anger. A sick man, _man_ – whether or not he was a mage is completely irrelevant – mutilated his mother and suddenly all of the antiquated teachings of the Chantry were his motivation.”

“I thought I could reason with him. I thought if I gave him time, he would come to see that he was being irrational. That blaming all mages for the actions of one was insanity, but he never did. He had too much help,” again his eyes went to the pair, “and I realized that I had to act against him to try and protect the people he was purging, whose sin was being born as I was.”

“That, of course, brings us to the night that Varric and I were trying to help a family escape. The same family _you_ were hunting down.” His voice was solemn and his eyes fixed back on the table. “That was the night when I realized that he was lost to me. No mage was innocent in his eyes, not even a child, so when I learned that he was hunting any and every mage, I left him.”

“That was the night he tried to kill himself. I found him in the tub, his wrists slit, a message written on the wall for me in his blood.” He had to take a beat of silence, to gather his thoughts. “I saved him and he told me that he was sorry. He told me that he’d gone too far and I, fool that I am, forgave him.”

“I woke up with a collar on my neck, my magic choked, being dragged downstairs to the pantry. He tossed me inside and locked me in for weeks.” His eyes went glassy and he had to take Varric’s hand for support. “It was dark and it was cold and sometimes he threw food in for me, but he did not speak to me until I had been punished enough.”

“He chained me to a bed and I was to be grateful that he’d let me out at all. That he hadn’t taken me to the templars and let them have their way with me. He threatened me, he beat me, he tried to make me love him by telling me all of the things he could do to me, but didn’t do out of love.”

“If Varric hadn’t come to check on me, I wouldn’t be here. If Varric and Isabela hadn’t worked for months to try get me out safely, I wouldn’t be here. Even if I had escaped, if Varric and Isabela hadn’t done what they did to put him away, I wouldn’t be here.”

At this point, his voice was full of emotion, but the anger that had been underlying it began to grow and overcome everything else. “I can blame no one but him for his actions against me, but I can blame all of us for his actions against all mages. We all played a part in letting it go too far - none of us called him out until it was too late - but some of us played a bigger part than others.”

His eyes went to Aveline, “We’ve never shared fondness or friendship, I know, but I use to think you were respectable. Even if we saw things differently, I never thought you would consider hunting down families and children and tearing them apart acceptable. You went along, for whatever reason helps you sleep at night, and your support made him think that he was doing what was right.”

Maybe she’d thought they were doing what was right. Maybe she still thought that they’d done what was right. If that was the case, he had nothing more to say to her and he wanted nothing to do with her.

His eyes fixed on Fenris and narrowed. “And _you_. It gave you satisfaction, I’m sure, to have him at your side, hunting down those you hate. I know you hate me. Does it give you satisfaction to know how I’ve suffered? I’m sure it does and I’m sure it rubs you raw that he’s the one in the hands of the templars instead of me.”

He rose abruptly, his chair falling back as he confronted him. “You disgust me. You’re no better than a slaver and if you ever come near me or another mage again, I will char your corpse beyond all recognition and make you look like the fucking monster you are.”

\---

“What he did to you was wrong.” Fenris said, his tone low and even despite the threat he’d just gotten. He was deeply disturbed by what he’d heard and he was still processing some parts of what had been said more than others. “He was treating you like a slave. No one deserves that.”

Varric rose when Anders did, putting a soothing hand on his arm. “Easy, Blondie. Tell them how you feel, but there’s been enough violence.” He wasn’t worried about Fenris, he simply didn’t want a fight to break out here and now.

“I was doing what I thought would make the city safer. I didn’t like it, but the Circle was safer for the mages than the streets they were hiding in.” Aveline had defended herself to many people since Hawke’s arrest and she wearily did so now, not surprised Anders would put much of the blame on her.

“You’re forgetting the part about helping him kill blood mages.” Merrill piped up from her place beside Isabela, her voice thin and anxious. “I’ve never hurt anyone in this city and you would have helped him make Kirkwall a ‘safer place’ by letting him kill me.”

\---

Though the elf’s response was as calm as could be, he longed to smash his fist, broken bones and all, into his face. “You are so willfully blind that you will never see that _all_ mages are treated like that. Like wild animals. You think what he did to me is any worse than what the templars did to me? You think what he did to me is any worse than what you helped him to do to other mages?” No, it wasn’t the same and in many ways it had been worse, but he felt that it wasn’t really all that different in the end.

He pulled his arm away from Varric. He needed him, but he didn’t want to be calmed, not while he was the emotions were so raw.

“You’re both so ignorant, so caught up in doing what you ‘think is right’ at the expense of _living beings_ , you didn’t even realize you weren’t just helping a monster, you were helping _make_ a monster.”

\---

The room went quiet. Fenris was lost in his thoughts, wondering if perhaps he did help to shape someone to be no better than a Tevinter magister. Aveline shifted in her seat eager to get out of there. She didn’t need a lecture. She’d made the best choices she could with the information she had. How was she to know Hawke was abusing Anders when he looked fine whenever he joined them for cards?

“...I’ll report his previous suicide attempt. Make sure he doesn’t try it again.” She finally said, wanting to get away from the topic of mages in general. Varric stood by, not trying to touch Anders again. If he didn’t want to be soothed, he wouldn’t try to soothe him until after this was over.

\---

He’d been ignored by the elf plenty, but he’d never talked him into silence. It was not the reaction he’d been expecting and he almost didn’t know how to move forward, so he turned his attention away from him. “Do that,” he agreed, voice cold. He didn’t want him to kill himself, so he appreciated that she’d watch out for him, but he hadn't missed that she had nothing else to say.

“If that’s all, consider this meeting over. If you want to talk to each other, go downstairs to do it.” He knew they would fracture further and he didn’t expect the pair he’d called out to hang around or come back, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be alone.

\---

Aveline was the first to get to her feet, eager to get up and go back to the mess she had to deal with back at the jail. Isabela moved to Anders and kissed his cheek, accompanied by Pickles who was still confused about everything going on. “I didn’t know some of that, Handsome. I would have been even sweeter to you if I knew.” She’d have blown him at least one more time on the day they’d spent together and she likely would have poisoned Hawke long before they were ready to set their plans into action. She looked to Merrill who had risen but was lingering nervously near the door. “She’s still afraid, but I know she appreciates your support.” Isabela said on the elf’s behalf before she started off to join her, meaning to shepherd both the frightened girl and the frightened dog back to her room. Fenris finally rose as well, looking to Varric but saying nothing. He wanted to talk to the dwarf, but he knew it would have to wait. He left without a word, needing to decide just how similar this had been to the slavers he knew and what that meant to him.

\---

For awhile, he just stood there, then he slowly made his way over to the bed and sat down. His eyes fixed on the distance in front of him and his shoulders slowly slumped, looking as if there was so much weighing them down. So much that he sank off the edge of the bed to the floor, his legs stretching out in front of him, looking lost.

\---

The dwarf didn’t want to crowd his lover so he decided to just sit nearby, resting cross-legged on the floor. When Lucy came by to see what they were doing on the floor, he plucked her up and set her in the mage’s lap. “You got a lot off your chest today, Blondie.”

\---

“...I don’t feel better.” Not at all. “I feel empty.” This would change nothing. All of this and what was there to show for it? Nothing. Nothing was better. Nothing was fixed. He felt the cat as she was lowered into his lap and he set a hand on her back, but he didn’t stroke. He simply sat there, still and unfocused.

\---

“It’s going to take some time to feel better. You’ve been through so much.” He hated to see him this way, but it was only his first full day free of Hawke. Of course he was going to have a difficult time. “ I’m going to be here with you, no matter how long it takes.”

\---

“I don’t think I can stay here, Varric.” This place was… awful. “Why don’t we go somewhere else? Somewhere better?”

\---

“We can make this place better. Especially with him gone.” Hawke had already made for an excellent villain in his stories to warm his audience up to mages. Thus far, people were enjoying the new hero of his tales. “Will you give me a little time? I’ve been working on making Kirkwall better for you and for all of the other mages. If you give me this chance and you still want to go afterward, we’ll figure out where to go.” He didn’t want to leave Kirkwall. He’d never want to, but he was in a partnership now and he knew he’d have to be a little more flexible.

\---

“We can’t. There will always be people like them… Varric, please, I can’t. I can’t stay,” He was beginning to work himself up, everything this city was to him hitting him all at once. It was a place of pain, first and foremost, and he needed to free himself from it. “Please, don’t make me go by myself.”

\---

“My job is to make those people powerless. I can do that here better than anywhere else.” He watched him solemnly, not wanting him to get so upset while he was already so vulnerable. “You don’t have to go by yourself, Blondie. I’m just asking you to trust me and give me a little time.”

\---

Anders’ expression broke and he pulled the cat in to bury his face in her fur, but even that wasn’t the comfort he needed and he ended up releasing her, letting her fall out of his arms, so he could grip at the back of his head and rock. He didn’t understand what it was about this city that made everyone want to stay, but it felt like a nightmare that he couldn’t escape.

\---

Varric moved to him, wrapping him up in his arms. “Hey, it’s alright. You’re free and you’re safe here with me. Why don’t we talk about this when you’re feeling a little better? This is all still so new and painful for you right now.”

\---

He rocked and even writhed in his arms, but it didn’t take much for him to go limp. To give in and give up, looking as empty as he felt as he rested his cheek on the dwarf’s shoulder. It hurt to press even that much weight there, but he didn’t really seem to feel it.

\---

“It’s alright now.” He assured him, holding him gently so as not to hurt him and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “You’re safe here with me. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you again.”

\---          

The assurances were nice, but in the moment, he felt as trapped as he had in his chains. He knew that he wasn’t, but he couldn’t help the feeling of doom and despair. It felt like he needed to flee, to run and never return, to cleanse himself of this place, but he couldn’t. If he did, he would have to go alone and he couldn’t abandon him, could he? He hadn’t convinced Hawke and he wouldn’t convince Varric, so could he do what he needed to for himself at the price of the man that he loved? He hadn’t been able to before.

\---

“You’re safe.” He promised him, rocking him and pressing soft, soothing kisses to his skin. “I’ll show you what I’m working on tomorrow, okay? I think you’ll feel better. If you don’t...well, we can talk about where you want us to go and when.” He didn’t want to have that conversation, not at all. But he also didn’t want him to live in terror.

\---

He didn’t think he meant what he was saying, though he never knew him to lie… at least not when it came to something this important. “I don’t want to stay,” he murmured, but he didn’t argue any more than that. He slid his arms around him and held onto him, pressing his weight into him and letting the dwarf give him the only feeling of home that he could find in this place.

\---

He cradled him close, but said nothing. He hoped he could convince him to stay, but not right now while the wounds were so raw. He rocked him slowly, deciding he'd keep him this way until Anders really relaxed, then pull him up to the bed for the night. He'd probably feel better after sleeping off such an emotionally taxing day.


	49. Chapter 49

When Anders woke, he was hurting and as he looked up at the wooden beams on the ceiling, he decided that he was done with that. He’d used his injuries as he’d meant to - they couldn’t deny what he had to say when the proof of his words was on his body. He sat up, his expression solemn and sleepy, and with a wave of his hand, all of the cuts and bruises faded and with it, the pain.

It was so easy, so simple, and yet this had been denied to him for months.

He healed everything at the same time, except his hand. His healed his hand separately, making sure the bones were still aligned, and when he was done, he flexed his fingers as he unwrapped the bandages keeping it splinted.

As good as new… at least on the outside.

\---

Varric was still snoring at his side while the mage healed himself. It had taken him a long time to get to sleep the night before and he needed the rest. Still, as unused to sleeping beside someone as he was, he sensed that Anders had moved. By the time he'd finished healing himself, Varric was reaching for him, his hand searching before his eyes would open. “Blondie?”

\---

Anders looked back at the dwarf, seeing his searching hand. He took it in his own, “I’m here,” he told him, his eyes flicking over his face as he watched him.

\---

He smiled when the hand found his and he heard his mage’s voice. He opened his eyes, still very heavy with sleep, and found him healed. “You're all patched up.”

\---

He smiled faintly, giving his hand a squeeze. “All better,” he agreed, still studying him. His thoughts from the night before were still there and he was turning them over in his mind.

\---

“I’m glad to see it.” It was good to see him smile as well. He stretched and yawned softly, squeezing his hand as well. “Now I can give you a proper cuddle and not worry about hurting you.” He tugged him lightly, hoping he could do just that.

\---

He seemed to consider it, then followed the pull to lay back down beside him, pressing into him and expecting him to wrap him up in his arms.

\---

He gave him just what he was expecting, wrapping him up in his arms and tangling their legs as well as he could. He gave him a tight squeeze, glad that he could really hug him now that his wounds were healed. “You weren’t kidding. You really are a blanket hog, or a fur hog in my bed in particular.”

\---

“It’s easier when I can sprawl all over them by myself,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to his nose. “If I’m annoying you, I can always get a bed of my own.” He didn’t want that at all, actually.

\---

“Nah, you’re easy to cuddle with. I can keep warm that way even if you take all my furs.” He stole a kiss to his lips after the kiss to his nose. “I’m already getting spoiled to sleeping with you, I don’t want you to get your own bed.”

\---

“Spoiled?” He traced his fingers along the dwarf’s side. “I haven’t begun to spoil you yet, love.” He could really spoil him in his bed and he wanted to do that… he just wanted the bed to be somewhere else.

\---

“I know there are other perks to look forward to. But right now having you next to me and not having to worry about how much time we have before we have to part is all the spoiling I need.” The touch was nice and he returned the favor, running his hand slowly along his back.

\---

He smiled and kissed him again, sweet and lingering. “I love you so much.” He let his hand slide up so he could trace his arm instead, his touches as sweet as his kisses. “You’re the only thing I want.” There was so much that he’d come to stand for, but he would put it all aside for him. Something he wouldn’t have done for Hawke, he would do for Varric and never think twice.

\---

“You’ve got me.” He murmured, enjoying the touches and running his fingers absently along his spine. “But I’m going to make sure you’ve got plenty more than just me. You deserve to be happy.”

\---

“I just need you to be happy.” That wasn’t entirely true. There was something else he needed. “...and I need to be free from this place.” He knew that he wouldn’t want to talk about it, but they had to talk about it. He pulled back so that he could look him in the eyes.

\---

That was enough to wipe the smile from his face. He met his gaze rather solemnly but made himself at least turn the corner of his lips back up for him. “I know why you feel that way. But all of my connections are here. The people I have that keep you protected from templars are here. I told you I’d show you what I’m working on to make Kirkwall better today. Will you at least let me do that much?”

\---

Then they would go somewhere where there weren’t templars. They didn’t have to live in a city to be happy… or at least he didn’t. Thinking about it, he realized that it was hard to imagine the dwarf somewhere quiet. Somewhere away from the excitement and intrigue of such a large city. He wasn’t made for that kind of peace, was he?

His heart ached.

His eyes fell, but he nodded. “...I’d like to go on a walk today. Outside of Kirkwall. Will you come with me?”

\---

“Of course I will.” He leaned in and kissed his lips softly. “I don’t want you to feel stuck here. I’m just asking you to give me a little time. If you still want to go, I won’t make you go alone.”

\---

Anders looked back up and he nodded, offering him a little smile. “Maybe we’ll go off with Isabela. Chip in for a ship and become pirates.” His hand slid further up and he brushed his cheek. “You’d make a pretty handsome pirate.” It wasn’t really a life he wanted, but he didn’t think it would be a life he’d mind either. As it was, he was just playing.

\---

“Rivaini would love that. And Lucy was named for a pirate so I bet she’d be a natural on a ship.” He was glad to be on a lighter subject and his smile became more genuine as he leaned into his touch. “You might think I’m less handsome of a pirate once you’re out at sea with me. Without townspeople to regale, I’ll talk you and Rivaini to death. You’ll have me walking the plank in a month.”

\---

“I could find other ways to occupy your mouth,” he murmured, capturing his lip and sucking on it. He pulled back slowly, letting his lip slip out only after he’d reddened it with his sucking.

\---

“That might help save your sanity for a little while.” He murmured when he had his lips back. He stole a kiss from him in return, nipping at Anders’ lower lip rather than sucking on it. “But you can only fill so many hours of the day keeping my mouth busy that way. The rest of the time it would just be my incessant talking. I’m a social butterfly, Blondie. It can’t be helped.”

\---

“You think I’m not?” Perhaps he’d been more of one when he was younger… things had changed quite a bit, hasn’t they? “Besides, you’ll need time to write, won’t you? Or are you abandoning your books once we’re out at sea?” He’d never read one of Varric’s books, never really having the opportunity to pick up a book since he came to Kirkwall, but he wouldn’t mind delving into them. He wanted to see the things his lover created.

\---

“I don’t think I could ever completely give up writing. But I think I might write less if I didn’t have fans around to ask me when the next book is coming out and beg for hints on what it’s about. If we were on a boat, how would I get my fan mail?” He moved a hand to Anders’ chest, etching a random pattern into it with his finger tip. “We’re all social butterflies. I don’t know how we’d survive being isolated at sea.”

\---

“Fine, we won’t be pirates.” He was quiet for a moment, thinking, then his lips cracked in to the largest smile he’d given since they’d parted at the clinic. “We’ll be sheep farmers.” He chuckled to himself. “It’ll be hard to convince Isabela, but I’m sure she’ll come around to the lifestyle.”

\---

“If we don’t hide treasure in the sheeps’ wool, I don’t think she’ll come around to that.” He chuckled with him, toying with the fabric of his underrobe. “I think you’d still end up having to kill me for talking you to death, though. The sheep aren’t going to listen to my stories.”

\---

His smile faded and he nodded. He understood what he was getting at and he didn’t really feel up to joking anymore. “When did you want to show me… whatever it is you want to show me?” After, he’d like to go on that walk.

\---

“I can start showing you if you want to go downstairs and get breakfast with me.” It would be better if it were later in the day and more people were there. But he knew Anders needed results quickly or he wasn’t going to be convinced.

\---

“Okay, let’s go downstairs.” He was hungry. He’d barely eaten yesterday and he was definitely feeling the effects of that today. With a final kiss, he pulled away from him and began to get ready. It didn’t take much. Just pulling on his robes and using Varric’s comb to straighten up his hair - maybe he’d take a bath and clean up properly after their walk.

\---

Varric took more time to get ready. It still didn’t take too long - even as intricate as his grooming was, it was such a practiced ritual he moved through it all quickly and gracefully. When he was washed up, though not properly bathed as he would have preferred, and presentable, he took Anders by the hand and lead him down the stairs.

The tavern wasn’t very busy in the morning, it never was. But still, when Varric went up to order their breakfast, there were people waiting to talk to him. They knew to be patient giving him and his company space to order and waiting until they would sit down to speak up to the dwarf.

\---

After being isolated for so long, Anders had found that people made him nervous. In the clinic he had been able to handle it because it was his space, but out here, he found himself moving closer to the dwarf while simultaneously trying to distance himself from everyone else.

—

With breakfast ordered and some chilled juice for himself and Anders to sip while they waited, Varric took his seat and pulled Anders’ seat close so the mage could sit right at his side. He could tell that he wanted to stay very close to him.

A couple of the other patrons moved in close, unable to take their eyes off of Anders. “Varric? Is this...is this him?” One of the men asked softly.

“The one and only. Just don’t crowd him, okay?” Varric took a drink, finding it as sweet as he’d hoped.

The man seemed to struggle with that, his eyes becoming glassy and his hand reaching to take Anders’, though he caught himself and withdrew. “Thank you, ser. Thank you so much, Anders. You helped my sister and my niece when they were being hunted. You got them out of the city.”

\---

Anders was bewildered and he looked at Varric, silently questioning who this was and what was happening. He looked at the man and going of what had been said, he offered him a polite smile, “Varric helped just as much.” He didn’t know who the man was talking about in particular, but if it was mages they’d helped, Varric had been right by his side.

—

Varric sat by casually, glad to see the smile on Anders’ face at being recognized for the good he’d done. “I was there to tell stories about it, that’s all.”

The man thanked him again and the man beside him spoke up. “He healed my daughter too.” He told his friend softly, as if Anders wasn’t still within earshot. “I brought her in when she was so sick with fever she couldn’t walk. He saved her life that day.”

“That just happens to be my Blondie’s favorite pastime.” Varric smirked and gave his lover’s back a gentle stroke, taking another sip of juice.

\---

He didn’t know who the other man spoke of, either. Not because he didn’t care to remember his patients, but because he’d helped so many people that unless their situation was exceptional, they all blended together. He’d have an easier time recognizing the people he’d helped if they were in front of him.

He turned his eyes back on the dwarf, “...Varric, what is this?”

—

“There’s a lot wrong with Kirkwall. And for just a little while, things were getting better. The public is what makes the difference and if they have a hero to believe in, they do their own parts to help the right causes. For a little while, Hawke was the hero they needed. But then...their hero fell and I was telling stories about a villain. A man who was hurting mages. A man who shut down the clinic. Do you know how many of the patrons of this tavern are related to mages? Or even has a friend who’s a mage? Or needed a healer but couldn’t afford it or couldn’t wait in line at the Circle for help? All of those people still need a hero. So I’ve been telling them some stories about you. My favorite subject.” He paused when their breakfast plates were delivered to them, then went on without giving his food a glance. “It’s giving the people hope again and it’s giving them something to believe in and work towards. I’ve got a bag of coin upstairs, all donations people have been making to your clinic during my story tellings. There’s already a petition started for the city officials about adding a district to the city for mages outside of templar control. It’s not much, but it’s a start. You’re the new hero, Blondie - these people believe in you and the things you stand for.”

\---

He stared at him, shaking his head. “Varric, I’m not a hero.” He was the furthest thing from a hero. It wasn’t until he’d joined the Wardens that he’d learned to not be completely selfish. “A petition....” There were so many reasons why that wouldn’t work, no matter what people wanted. It would be going against the Chantry and there were few that would do that and certainly not anyone in a position of power.

Still… that there was a petition at all was something he’d have never expected. “A petition isn’t going to do anything…”

\---

“I know that, Blondie. The petition itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that I haven’t even been telling your stories for that long and people already give a shit. They’re doing _something_ for the mages. For the first time they’re inspired to stand up against the templars, even in a small way.” He said softly, having known that Anders would struggle a little with being in the spotlight. “We could really make Kirkwall better. And it doesn’t even have to stop at Kirkwall. Stories reach a lot of people.”

\---

He didn’t like it, not knowing what people were saying about him. He’d made a name for himself as a healer, but never for anything more than that. “What stories have you been telling?” He’d told Varric a lot, so he wanted to know what it was he was spreading. He didn’t want people looking up to him the way they’d looked up to Hawke.

He’d be lying to say he didn’t like attention or even admiration, but he did better when he could slip into a crowd and make himself unknown, should the need arise.

\---

“Nothing too personal.” Much to people’s dismay when they asked for more information about the healer. “Only about some of the wonders you’ve done at the clinic or healing mortal wounds on the battlefield. And about some of our nights sneaking mages out of the city before a certain crazy rogue could hunt them down.” He’d always kept Hawke the villain rather than the templars. People could decide for themselves if the templars were also villains and it seemed they already were. “People want to help.”

\---

He was finding it hard to believe that all it took was a few stories to arouse such interest, especially if they were stories about things that anyone in Darktown would know about. Then again, no one could tell a story like the dwarf could. He was conflicted and it showed. When their food came, he made no move for it, despite his hunger - pressing enough that it remained even in his disquiet.

“The Knight Commander will only crack down harder,” he told him, knowing that she wouldn’t take well to people trying to make a place for mages.

\---

“She’s already got a public relations nightmare on her hands because of Hawke. She’s busy trying to convince the people who’s taxes fund the Circle that she didn’t condone the mage hunts he was conducting. She’s not in any position to make a fuss over people petitioning for mage rights at the moment.” He dug into his own breakfast, despite his nerves. Anders was taking this worse than he expected, but that didn’t change how little they’d both eaten lately. He needed to eat.

\---

His began to fiddle with his robes, trying to keep his hands busy. “A few stories and you’ve done far better than I ever did.” He found a loose thread and began to pull on it. “You should be the hero, Varric.” He would make a far better hero and between the two of them, Varric had the means to do good in a way that he didn’t.

\---

“My stories only work because of the good _you_ have done. You’re the tall, dark, handsome hero and I’m just here to sing your tales. I can’t be the hero and the narrator, it doesn’t have the same effect.” He gave him a soft smile. “Things could be so much better here, Blondie. We can do this together.”

\---

“Do what, Varric? Convince some people in some city that mages deserve better than they get?” The problem was so much bigger than that and it wasn’t as they could make a difference in any measurable way.

He normally wasn’t like this. It wasn’t as if this was new information - he’d helped to form the Mage Underground knowing that all they could do was to help some mages in Kirkwall with the hope that someday they wouldn’t have to anymore.

He pulled the thread loose and sighed. “I want to stop fighting… It never ends and I’m tired, Varric. I’m not the hero you want me to be. I couldn’t even save myself.”

\---

“If you want to stop, you’ve more than earned a quiet life.” It was so disappointing to hear, knowing that Anders really was the one who could make the difference. But it was a lot to ask of him after all he’d just gone through. He kept steadily eating his meal, glad that he had something to look at that worked well enough to obscure his expression. “You’ve got to eat, Blondie. I know you’re starving.”

\---

He looked down at his plate and though he was hungry, he felt ill. “...I- I think I need some time alone.” Being alone was the last thing he wanted, really, but he could feel himself cracking. He didn’t understand why this was so hard when being chained up in bed and living for visits from the dwarf had been… somehow easy by comparison. Everything had been simple then - don’t piss off one man and wait for the other to come make it better.

\---

“That’s fine, I’ve got some errands I can run.” He would give his lover space if that was what he needed, as much as he didn’t like the idea of leaving him alone. “Then later we can talk about where we want to go.” He looked to him, offering a soft smile as he stood from his seat. Anders didn’t want anything to do with his plans for Kirkwall, so it was best to start adjusting to the idea of leaving. He didn’t want Anders to feel like he had to flee and especially not alone. “And when we’ll leave.”

\---

He was quiet, not knowing what to say when he knew that the last thing he wanted was to leave. He’d made it clear that he would not be happy anywhere else. He stood as well, not having touched anything in front of him, and started for the stairs, wanting to hide in the dwarf’s room.

\---

“I love you.” He called to him on his way to the stairs. He did love him and he needed to put the mage’s happiness ahead of his own. He headed out then, leaving his own breakfast unfinished despite how hungry he’d been.


	50. Chapter 50

He didn’t want to leave the mage alone for long, not while he was still so vulnerable. He was only gone for about an hour before he found himself tapping on the door to his room lightly before pushing it open a little ways. “...Blondie? Can I come in or would you rather I leave you be for now?”

\---

He tensed at the tapping, but relaxed at the sound of his voice. There was no one else it would be, except perhaps Isabela, but he couldn’t help but fear the unknown. “You can come in…” He rolled to his back, lifting a hand to wipe at the corner of his eyes, making sure he was presentable before he pushed himself up on an arm.

\---

Varric stepped inside and closed the door behind him, kicking his boots off and climbing into bed with Anders. He wrapped his arms around him, urging him to lay back down. “How do you feel about Orlais? Have you ever been there?”

\---

He followed him, sinking back into the bed and finding himself in the safety of his arms. “No… but the Divine is there...” If he wanted  to keep him safe from templars, perhaps going to where the head of the Chantry resided wasn’t the best idea. “...I know you don’t want to go. I know you won’t be happy if I make you come with me.”

\---

“That’s true, but between the masks and whatnot, I think we could keep you obscured from the Chantry there better than we could anywhere else.” He kissed his cheek once they were back on the bed. “I’m sure I could be happy if we find a city. I just suggested Orlais because I have contacts in Val Royeaux and Jader and theater is big there - I could write plays. But even if you don’t want a city… I’m sure I could adapt.”

 ---

He was quiet for a while and when he finally replied, his voice was strained. “I’m sorry, Varric. I didn’t realize how badly he broke me.” He knew the dwarf had such high hopes for them, but he was tearing them down and even knowing that, he didn’t think he could stop.

\---

“You’re not broken. You just need time to heal. It’s hardly been more than a day.” He held him tighter, stroking his fingers along his side. “I’ll go anywhere you want to go. Even if that means being pirates or sheep farmers.”

\---

He gave a miserable chuckle. “I love you so much,” he told him, fingers coming to rest on his jaw. “I don’t deserve you.” He was such a good man… so much better than any man he’d ever come across. He didn’t understand how he’d had the fortune to fall in love with him and be loved in return.

\---

“I get to be the judge of that.” He took the hand that rested on his jaw and guided it to his lips, kissing each of his fingertips one by one. “I want you to be happy and I want you to feel safe. As long as we can accomplish that, I’ll adjust to wherever we are.”

\---

Varric’s willingness to come with him, even though he wanted to stay, helped to calm him and as he watched him give those sweet kisses, everything felt less urgent, less dire. “...What if we go on a trip? What if we go to Orlais for a month and… just see?” A compromise. It would give him the space he needed, but it needn’t necessarily be a permanent thing. Not until the trip ended and he reevaluated how he felt.

\---

A trip sounded a little less binding to him, but he knew he couldn’t really look at it that way. He’d have to go with the expectation that they wouldn’t be coming back. He’d have to set up everything here to keep his operations running after he’d left the city. “We can go on a trip. Maybe Rivaini will even come with us. She could be our transport if we pool our money and buy her a ship.”

\---

“I wish I had coin to give you…” He didn’t want to touch any of his ex-boyfriend’s money and he really didn’t know how much of it was his… if any of it. If he’d actually been keeping account of his share, which he doubted, it had probably all been spent on the clinic at this point. “I’ll have to start earning my keep again. After the trip.”

\---

“Don't worry, I bet there's plenty of coin to be found in Orlais. And I think Rivaini may have helped herself to some of Hawke's coin when she got Pickles. I'll make her share since I'm sure at least some of that was yours.” He closed his eyes, resting them while he thought of all the things he needed to do if he was going to be away for a month. Or longer.

\---

 He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but a pirate was going to be a pirate, he supposed. “...Thank you, Varric,” he murmured, stealing a kiss from him while his eyes were closed. He felt a lot better, if not more conflicted, knowing that he would come with him wherever he went.

\---

“When do you want to go?” He asked when the kiss broke. Probably soon. He knew Anders wanted out of Kirkwall and probably wouldn't tolerate much of a delay.

\---

“As soon as you can.” Tomorrow, if they could. Unlikely, but he would take the next ship if they could. He didn’t think he would be able to properly breathe until he was far from the city.

\---

“I'll have to go into town again, tie up loose ends before we go on our trip. I don't want to leave you alone though…” He had a lot of loose ends to tie and he'd be out a long time. “Maybe you could pass the time with Rivaini? Invite her along if you want to.” He stole another kiss from him, greedy for the affection though he knew Anders was the one that needed it.

\---

“Invite her? For the walk, you mean?” He supposed that would be alright… He’d almost rather go alone, if Varric couldn’t come with him, but she’d seen him at his lowest. Or at least, the lowest that anyone had seen him, so it wasn’t as if she’d be surprised by what he needed.

\---

“No, no. We'll do the walk ourselves. I meant for our vacation. You were talking about being pirates with her so I was saying you could invite her to Orlais with us if you want the extra company. So long as we have our separate room, of course, I'm not going to endure a whole month without touching you for the sake of not giving the pirate a show.” He chuckled and stroked his fingers along his side.

\---

Right. He’d should’ve realized that was what he meant. His finger traced him in return, his eyes on his chest. “I don’t know if she’ll leave Merrill by herself, but I’m sure she’d like to come.” It might be nice to have someone else there for both of them. He’d like to think that he’d feel like himself as soon as he got out of here, but if that wasn’t the case, the pirate would provide his dwarf some company that wasn’t draining.

\---

“I'm sure she's dying to get out of Kirkwall for awhile.” He agreed, not doubting that she'd leave Merrill in safe hands and take the opportunity to be out on the sea. “Why don't we go take our walk? When we get back, I'll settle my business here in town and you can invite her.”

\---

“Alright.” He moved his hand in to brush his chest and, resting it there, leaned in for a final kiss. Then he pulled back from him and pushed himself up, giving himself a stretch and straightening out his hair again. “I have to stop by the clinic. I want to pick up something before we go.”

\---

“We can do that.” Varric sat up as well, swinging his feet over the side of the bed. “And you still need to eat something. Especially if we're going on a long walk.”

\---

He nodded, agreeing. He was hungry and with his worries eased, the pangs were aching. “We can walk through the market, pick something up from a cart on our way.” Then he wouldn’t have to wait for him to eat.

\---

“That sounds like a good plan.” He hopped up and went to his mirror checking that his hair and clothes were still in proper place. He put another bit of cologne behind his ears to freshen it up and found himself smiling. “You've been sleeping in here with me for two nights now. I bet you're starting to smell like my cologne.”

\---

That made him smile. “Maybe I am.” He liked the thought of being scent-marked by him. “I could start stealing your cologne for myself, but I think I like that better.” He moved to him and wrapped his arms around his neck. “Stealing your scent like this.”

\---

“I like it better this way too.” He smiled and stroked a hand over the arms that held him. “Touching me so much that you can't help but smell like me.” He'd miss his room while they were gone. Having everything in its place and everything familiar, including the scent of his little den. But he'd adjust if he had Anders to hold him like this, to be the familiarity he craved.

\---

“...If you didn’t have to go, I’d say we should take a bath together.” He needed it and it he’d like the intimacy of it. “Maybe when you get back tonight.” He could go a little longer without cleaning himself up.

\---

“A bath with you sounds really nice.” He wasn't sure that he'd ever actually taken a bath with anyone before and he chuckled. “Let's wait and do that tonight. I think it will be my first bath with a lover, I can't pass up the chance to let you be my first. What if the ship doesn't have tubs and all the tubs in Orlais are tiny?”

\---

“...Then surely we’d take a bath together when we return?” They ought to have plenty of time to take a bath together, even if there were no tubs on the ship and all the tubs in Orlais were tiny. He drew back a little to look at him. “Right?”

\---

“If you want to return.” He said, giving him a reassuring little smile. He hoped they would. But he knew he'd have to stay open to the idea that they may never return to Kirkwall, other than perhaps to collect the rest of his things.

\---

He supposed that was true and nodded. “In that case, we could always order a large tub. A tub that will fit both of us twice over.” He kissed him and then straightened. “Let’s head out - I am hungry.”

\---

“We can't get a tub too big. Rivaini will get ideas.” He took his hand and started out then, eager to get Anders something to eat. “And I still think we should bathe together tonight, just for good practice.”

\---

Anders swung their hands as they walked together, stopping at a cart, as suggested, to get him something to eat. He ate as they walked to the clinic, the meat and vegetables on skewers, allowing him to keep his hold on the dwarf’s hand. The dwarf held what he wasn’t working on and they traded, empty skewers for full ones, until they were all gone. It didn’t take him long to finish them - the skewers bare by the time they hit Darktown - and though it didn’t completely hit the spot, it certainly helped.

When they arrived at the clinic, they found it open. It seemed the women had picked up where they’d left off and he was glad to see it. He was sure he would draw their attention and though he didn’t really want to talk to anyone, he knew he owed them his thanks, so he greeted all of them and in particular, pulled Pia side to thank her for trying to help him when he was being attacked. She’d thrown herself into the fray for him, though she shouldn’t have, and he wanted her to know that he was touched by her ferocity.

\---

“I wasn’t just going to tolerate that brute treating you that way.” Pia told him, giving his arm a gentle pat. It was a rarity, she usually reserved affectionate touches for her patients who needed a matronly touch. “I just wish I could have done more, but I twisted my ankle the second time he pushed me.”

Varric gave him a little space to talk to Pia alone, instead looking over the woman’s inventory and expense sheets. He needed to make sure they were well supplied and financed for the next month.

\---

“It’s alright - I appreciate that you tried to help, I just wish you hadn’t gotten hurt. Is your ankle still bothering you? I have my magic back, I can heal it for you.” It was the least he could do for her.

\---

“It still aches. Your magic can probably do more than my cooling salve did.” She said with a sad little smile. “I suppose now that you’ve got your magic again, you won’t have any need for nurses.”

\---

“Actually, I’m going away for a while. I’d like it if you guys stayed and kept the clinic going while I was gone.” Anders nodded her over to an exam table, wanting her to sit so he could look at her ankle.

\---

The dwarf complied, seating herself on the table. Her ankles were swollen anyway, she was on her feet a lot of long hours in the clinic for a woman her age. But one was significantly worse than another. It was no worse than a sprain and she’d been getting along on it without a fuss. “Really? So we can at least stay a little while longer?”

\---

Anders took hold of her ankle and began gently massage it as he pushed his magic in. It felt good to use his magic and it made him all the more eager to get out of here, but he took his time with what he was doing, wanting to ease as much of her pain as possible. “Yes, it’s been nice having you around and I appreciate all you’ve done.”

\---

“It’s been nice being around. I thought my days of seeing patients were over. And the girls have enjoyed working for someone who respects them for a change.” She sighed softly when his hands and his magic eased the pain in her ankle. “Thank you. You’re such a sweet young man.” Which was why she’d been happy to put herself at risk to protect him.

\---

“You’re welcome - let me know if it still hurts.” When he finished healing her, he eased her foot down  and stepped back. “I’m not going to be here for long. I’ve just come in to pick up a couple of lyrium potions.” At that, he moved to grab them and slipped them into his pocket.

\---

Varric was near the potions, taking notes of his own from the diligent bookkeeping of Pia’s. “I’ll send someone once a week to make sure they’re supplied. Without Hawke paying their wages I’ll need to make sure to leave them plenty until we get back. The donations people left at the tavern will help.” He murmured, talking to himself, but also wanting Anders to know that he cared about keeping his clinic afloat while they were away.

\---

He looked over at him and moved in and set a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you,” he murmured to him, leaning in and kissing the crown of his head. “I have what I need. I’m ready to go when you are.”

\---

He smiled up to him, pleased that he handled being back in the clinic as well as he hoped. “I’m ready. I can set up their payments and supply checks when I do my business in town later.” He reached for his hand again, wanting to keep that connection with him while they headed out on their walk.

\---

He bid the women goodbye and told him that they would be checking in. He took Varric’s hand and walked out with him, eager to get out of Kirkwall. To just get out, but also to do what he’d been been wanting to since his magic had been returned to him. When they got outside, he began to lead him to a meadow that he used to go to pick herbs, but that he’d not been to for a long time.

\---

“This is a nice place, Blondie.” Varric mused as he looked around the meadow. He’d never been one to spend time out in nature when it wasn’t necessary, but he could appreciate a scenic view when he had one. He didn’t know much about the plants around him so he refrained from touching them, but he liked looking at them just the same.

\---

He looked around, but it was quiet as he’d hoped. “It is,” he agreed softly, though he wasn’t really taking it in. “I know this may seem odd, but… I’ve been so long without my magic. I- I can’t really explain what it feels like, but it’s like missing a part of yourself. Like if you lost your ability to see or your sense of taste. I just… I need to let it out.”

\---

“Are you saying I should stand back?” He smirked and released his hand, taking a few steps away to do just that. “Go nuts, Blondie. Let it out. Do whatever you need to now that you’ve finally got it back.”

\---

He nodded and took a few steps himself, putting even more space between them and facing away from him. He shut his eyes and just let himself feel the thrumming power inside of him. Since having it back he’d only used it to heal and there had been relief in that, but it hadn’t been the release he needed.

On either side of him, his hands began to spark. It started small, but it was but a blink before the crackling energy echoed through the meadow. The light was blinding in a way that it wasn’t even in the heat of battle. There was wildness to it, unlike him. Even when he summoned a storm, it was carefully controlled, taking care not to strike his comrades. This was something else entirely. As his hands lifted, arcs of electricity snapped between them and when he let them fall, a deafening strike hit the ground, blasting away a sizable hole.

It was a show of raw destructive power, revealing him to be stronger that he seemed. The height of his power had always been seen in his healing - when he brought back someone from the brink of death, but it was clear as he continued to throw bolt after bolt - a storm unto himself - that he was not a weak mage.

\---

It was quite a show, but strike to the ground startled him. He should probably move further back. He did so, then took a seat, looking closely at the foliage and decided it probably wasn’t poisonous. He laid down on his back, lacing his hands behind his head. He could relax and let Anders get all of this out of his system, all while enjoying the sight of it from a safe distance.

\---

He was lost in himself and when he’d emptied himself of all he had, he pulled out a vial, took it, and continued. He’d chosen this place for a reason. Though far enough that they probably wouldn’t attract anyone, the sights and the sounds traveled far. It was good that he’d been conscious of it then, because he was not at all conscious of it now and in that blindness, he destroyed the meadow around him.

When he’d emptied himself again, he stood in silence, his breaths short and his eyes shut.

\---

The longer it went on, the more Varric was glad he’d put more distance between them. It probably wouldn’t have been safe as close as he’d been when it started. When it was seemingly over, he said nothing to interrupt the mage’s quiet. He could take what time he needed, both in his need to get his magic out and in his need for a moment of peace afterwards.

\---

It had not only been a release of magic, but a release of emotion. There were a lot of emotions for him to work through and for once, it was nice to find a way to express them that didn’t include tears. When his heart seemed to have calmed in his chest, he opened his eyes and turned to find the dwarf settled in the field.

He approached him and lowered down to sit beside him.

\---

“How did that feel?” He asked when the mage sat at his side. It had to feel good. It was a huge release of power after Hawke had made him powerless for so long. But he wanted to hear from him just how it had made him feel.

\---

“I could do that all day.” If he had the energy for it, he would. “I can’t live without magic… I know most people do, but I can’t.” It wasn’t just a matter of convenience. “It’s who I am.” It had been as cruel to take his magic away as it had been to lock him up. He didn’t know if he would feel that way if his entire identity wasn’t wrapped up in being a mage, but when he lived in a world in which it was the only thing that mattered about him, it was hard not to.

\---

“I know. Magic to you is like secrets and stories to me. You losing your magic would be like someone cutting out my tongue. I’m sorry it happened to you for so long. And I’m sorry I couldn’t do something about it sooner.” He murmured, rolling onto his side to face him.

\---

“It’s okay. I knew it wasn’t forever. It’s the only reason I could handle it.” If Hawke had somehow found a way to take it away permanently, he probably wouldn’t be here. Luckily, that wasn’t possible without tranquility and at that point, his magic would have been the least of his worries.

“I’m okay.” He would need time to really be okay, but so far things were as good as he could’ve hoped.

\---

“I know you are.” He knew he wasn't. He knew it would be a long time before he was truly okay. But hopefully the time away from Kirkwall would help do the trick. “I love you, Blondie.”

\---

He softened and shifted forward onto his hands and knees so that he could come up beside him and lay down. He slid his arm around him and pulled him in, answering him with a kiss. He knew they had to get going, but if they were going to spend the day apart, he wanted to savor the time they had.

\---

Varric closed his eyes, melting into the kiss and wrapping his arms around him in return. It was so good to hold him tightly without fear of hurting him for a change. He'd enjoyed watching Anders get the release he needed in discharging so much magic, but he liked to think that this was a sort of release for him to. To lay out in the sunshine and kiss someone who didn't want to control him or hurt him in any way.


	51. Chapter 51

Varric was relieved to see how much Anders’ mood improved once they were on the ship. He had trailed behind once they set sail, preferring to stay close to their room and letting a very excited Isabela take Anders around to explore the ship. He was nervous about all he was leaving in Kirkwall and he'd busied himself at the table in their rather luxurious room, making lists and writing letters that he knew he'd have to wait until they reached Orlais to send. His body was tense and he worked quickly, his anxiety making his writing sloppy and causing him to rewrite several of the letters.

Isabela walked back to their rooms with Anders once the sun was setting over the sea, still flush with glee from the wind in her hair and the sweet salty scent she drew in with every breath. The door was ajar to the mens’ bedroom and she pushed it open, finding the dwarf hunched over the table looking like he was taking some sort of important exam from the tension in his face. Even Lucy was taking to the first day at sea better than her master, curled up in the window of their room and watching the birds hunt over the open water for evening meals. “Your dwarf is still a little uneasy. You might have to help him settle in…” Isabela murmured to Anders with a wicked smile, then lewdly gestured that a blowjob was what she meant.

\---

Anders gave the pirate a push. “Go on, go find your own man to-” He returned the gesture and then stepped past her into the room. “Goodnight, Isabela.” With that, he shut the door in her face and turned to the dwarf, offering him a smile, though his demeanor  was uncertain.

“Evening, love.” He approached him, looking at what he was working on. “I’m not interrupting, am I?”

\---

He looked up when Anders stepped into the room and offered him an easy smile. It was good to see his lover so cheerful and it made it easy to smile despite his nerves. “Hey, Blondie. I'm happy for your interruption.” He was currently writing a letter to a man named Lucas Gartero, reminding him of a list of people he'd need to check in on, a couple of them templars. He sighed and set down his quill. “I didn't realize how many people I usually babysit until I had to assign other people to babysit them. I know Kirkwall isn't going to collapse without me, but I've been fretting like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I probably need this time away as much as you do, I just need to relax and enjoy it.”

\---

He glanced at the letter briefly, only taking in a few words here and there. As it was, the explanation told him enough. “You do. You deserve it.” He moved in to lean into the desk beside him. “...I wish you would’ve come out with us. It was nice.” It would’ve been nicer with him there, but he hadn’t wanted to force him to do anything when it was already his fault they were here.

\---

“I won't hide all day tomorrow. I'll go out and enjoy the sights with you.” He hoped his anxiety wouldn't get the better of him again, anyway. He knew it would ruin Anders’ good mood if he stayed this tense. He could tell the light was fading through the window that Lucy sat in and it would be time to light candles soon. “I guess I'm a little late to watch the sun set at sea with you. But we can watch it rise tomorrow. It'll be our first dawn at sea together.”

\---

“So romantic,” he teased, though he was studying him. He smoothed some of his hair back, taking care of some errant stands. It was obvious he wasn’t happy and did make it harder to enjoy his own happiness. With Isabela’s suggestion in mind, he sank down to the floor and began to stroke his thighs. He could make him happy, at least for a time. “There’s plenty to enjoy in here too,” he murmured, encouraging him to turn toward him in the chair.

\---

He had relaxed a little at the gentle touch, but his brows raised when Anders lowered beside the chair. He turned to face him so he was between his thighs and reached out to stroke a hand lightly over his cheek. “Of course there is, Blondie. You're in here, that's all the enjoyment I need.”

\---

He leaned in and pressed a kiss between his legs, hands still stroking. “This I suppose I’ll have to make sure you enjoy yourself.” He straightened up, so when he leaned in again, it was at his chest, and he could nuzzle into it.

\---

“I always enjoy time with you.” He kissed the crown of his head when he leaned in to nuzzle into the thick hair of his chest. “Why don't we try out the tub? It is plenty big for us and our passion play.” The tub was clearly meant for couples and it included a couple sitting ledges, which would be a rather convenient way to get sucked while Anders could soak in the water.

\---

He looked up at him, a smile pulling at his lips. “Here you thought there would be no tubs at all.’ He nipped at his chest and then shifted back, standing up and making his way to their washroom. There was water already inside the tub - all it needed was to be heated and he was able to get it steaming in a short time.

When it was ready, he stripped out of his clothing and then sank into the water, as if to test it.

“All ready,” he sighed, finding it to be far more luxurious than what he’d experienced in some time, having added some oils and fragrances to the water.

\---

“It was my excuse to get a bath with you before we left.” Varric chuckled, undressing himself while he let Anders heat the water. When he heard it was ready, he eased himself into the tub and sighed relief as the heat of the water helped to ease his tense muscles. “This is a lot nicer than I expected on a ship though.”

\---

“I suppose that’s what you get when you purchase the most expensive room on the ship.” He didn’t know if it was actually the most expensive, but it certainly felt like it. He’d never traveled in such style before. He didn’t hesitate to move closer to him as soon as he settled, sliding his arms around him and admiring him. “You’re so sexy.”

\---

“It’s my first big trip, I wanted to do it comfortably.” He chuckled and drew his arms around Anders in return, nipping at the piercing in his ear. “Of course I’m sexy. I’d have to be to catch your eye. You could have anyone you fluttered those lashes at.”

\---

He chuckled as well. “Anyone?” He didn’t know about that. He fluttered his eyelashes at him and then nipped his nose suddenly, laughing as he did so, before shifting back to look at him innocently.

\---

“Anyone.” He kept his arms around him when he shifted back. “Look at you. Strawberry blonde, strong jaw, golden eyes, soft lips, and a light dusting of freckles to top it off. You could steal any heart you want.”

\---

His smile could not be any warmer as he met his gaze, appreciating whenever he would compliment him like this. It made him feel good about himself in a way that he hadn’t in in quite some time. “You know, you could _almost_ be describing yourself.” Not quite, but not far off. His locks had also been kissed by strawberries, he had a jaw cut with steel, his eyes weren’t ‘gold’, but they were an invitingly warm brown, and Anders thought his lips were pleasantly soft to boot. The only thing he didn’t have were freckles.

A ridiculously handsome dwarf.

“Mm… what about… Fenris? Think I could steal his heart?” There was a little bit of bitterness in his voice, but it was overshadowed by his genuine intrigue as imaging the ridiculousness of that impossibility.

\---

“Almost, but not quite. I don’t have as much red in my golden locks so I’m missing those freckles.” He leaned in and kissed the mage’s nose before shifting back again to look at him. “For sure you could win Fenris. Especially now he’s been forced to hear you out and it’s opened his eyes a little. With those eyes opened, he’s bound to notice those lashes of yours.”

\---

He snorted, shaking his head. No way. “Luckily for you, I’d rather set _myself_ on fire.” He slid a hand down between them, finding his cock and wrapping his fingers around it to give it a squeeze. “I’m only interested in your heart.”

\---

“You’ve already got my heart, Blondie. But I’m not sure I believe you.” He murmured, the squeeze rather nice and making him twitch with interest. “I think you might be a little interested in my cock too.”

\---

Hearing him say that warmed him so. He didn’t know how he’d won his heart, but he was glad to have it all the same. “Yeah? What makes you think that?” He began to work him slowly, rubbing him and running his finger along the spot he knew really riled him.

\---

“Because my cock may be a little interested in you.” He smirked and found himself thickening quickly under the practiced work of his hand. Anders knew just where to touch him and he chuckled with a hint of pleasure when the finger working the spot he loved had him engorged in no time. “Maybe more than a little.”

\---

He smiled, enjoying the feeling of him filling his hand. “I’d show you my tricks, but we’re in water and that’s the last thing you want.” He began to stroke him, knowing that there as soon as he got out of the water, he could show him what he could do. “Why don’t you go sit down?”

\---

He laughed at that and shook his head. “It might cut our trip short if you electrocute me on the the first night. But I’m sure it would be a _very_ pleasant way to go.” He stole a kiss from him and shifted to take a seat up on one of the ledges. It was nice to still have his legs in the water to enjoy the warmth of it and let his feet soak but conveniently his hips were above water so Anders could do as he liked with him.

\---

He moved in between his thighs as soon as he was settled, but he didn’t go straight for him. Instead, he took time to run his hands over his body, touching his thighs, his sides, his chest, his shoulders, thoroughly enjoying his body and showing his appreciation. He leaned in to kiss him here and there and occasionally found places to lick the beaded water away.

\---

He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of his exploration. The tension remaining his muscles was loosening quickly and he ran his fingers through Anders’ hair. “Maybe I’ll get my nipples pierced while we’re in Orlais. Would you like that?” He murmured with a little smirk, remembering the way Anders’ face had heated when he mentioned the possibility before.

\---

His eyes fell to his nipples and he leaned in to give one a firm suck, drawing back so that it the suction broke with a loud smack. “They do seem to be missing something.” He flicked it with his tongue and then gave it another suck, much like the first, humming in consideration. “Some gold might do the trick.”

\---

“A little gold might be just what they need.” He agreed, opening his eyes to watch him toy with the sensitive flesh. “I hope you don’t mind me showering you in a bit of gold too. It’ll go so nicely with your eyes…”

\---

His brows lifted, but rather than say anything, he leaned down to take him into his mouth. He gave it the same sort of suck he had his nipple, taking him in hand to stroke him as he pulled off, the suction hard enough to nearly keep him on. He began to rub his tongue against the spot he liked and after a few times, he pushed a little bit of a spark into his lapping.

\---

He groaned softly when he was treated to the hard suck and then his tongue. He was so sensitive in that spot and his hips shifted a little beyond his control. The spark startled him but he recovered quickly, his fingers tightening in his hair. “That’s really nice…”

\---

He smiled and wrapped his lips around him, beginning to bob on him. If he liked that, he would continue. He rubbed his tongue against him as he moved up and down his cock, letting his tongue tingle everywhere it touched. It was a sensation that only a mage could replicate and even then, only one that had his mastery of electricity.

It was a good trick and he was glad that it was well-received.

\---

The tingling was enough to make his hips rock, his legs tensing and tightening on Anders’ sides. It was a unique feeling, but a very good one. “That’s _really_ nice…” He wasn’t sure how to tell him how good it was, words failing him at least for a brief moment. It was a shame Anders had such a good trick up his sleeve and had been denied the ability to use it all this time.

\---

There was more he could do, but those tricks could come later. He didn’t want to reveal them all to him at a once. Better to spread them out over time and keep surprising him. So he kept at what he was doing, sucking his entire length, his hand moving down to feel him up while his mouth had him completely occupied.

\---

He groaned for him, his hips rocking steadily into his mouth. He usually made an effort to keep them still out of courtesy, but this was a new sensation and courtesy didn’t really feel like an option. He watched him, completely enamored by the sight of him taking his cock deep, just as he always was, but he was craving him in other ways as well. “I know you like the sweet prize you get for doing this, but I want to fuck you here in his tub. What sounds good to you, Blondie?”

\---

His eyes flicked up and he pulled off of him, his expression sultry. “You could bend me over the edge of the tub.” He loved the sound of that. He licked the tip of him and felt a string of slickness that stuck to his tongue. He could taste the hint of sweetness he’d be missing, but that was alright as long as he was mounted properly.

\---

“That’s just what I was thinking…” He murmured, wetting his lips as he watched him get one more taste. “I’ll bend you over the tub and see how long it takes me to milk your cock into the bathwater. Why not get a little dirty now that we’ve gotten clean?”

\---

Just the way he said it gave him a thrill. He reached for one of the oils he’d used in the bath and offered it to him. “Fill me up,” he murmured to him, shifting back from him and then turning away so he could bend over the edge, leaving himself open to him.

\---

Varric took a moment to enjoy the view of him bent over that way while he coated himself in the oil. He would have loved to be sucked off by him, but after the days without having him while they’d recovered from all that had happened at the clinic, he was ready to be buried inside of him again. He used the ledge for the height he needed and pushed into him, sinking in deep. He didn’t get right to thrusting, instead taking a moment to run his hands down his back, over his hips, and finally to squeeze and knead his ass. “You’re so stunning.” He could never tire of looking at his ass, especially while his cock was buried to the hilt in it.

\---

He felt him coming up behind him and he shut his eyes, sighing as he stretched around him. The touches were exactly what he wanted and he sank into the wall he was thrown over. “Of course I’m stunning,” he smiled, giving his words back to him. “I’d have to be to steal you away from all the women of the world.” He knew he wasn’t his preference as a man and it made him all the more appreciative that he found him so attractive.

\---

He chuckled, the sound low and smooth with pleasure as he began to move slowly within him. “That should tell you just how stunning you are. Enough the make the women of the world mourn their favorite bachelor.”

\---

He groaned, rocking back to meet meet him. “I weep for them - your cock is so thick.” Though his own cock was just as thick, he’d only been fucked by a cock like his a handful of times in his life. Until him, not any time recently. It was wonderful and he made savoring sounds each time he slid back in.

\---

“And each of them were only treated to it once. You're the only person in recent history to experience it regularly. They just can't compete.” He was still gripping his ass, squeezing it and enjoying the feel of his muscles working while he met his thrusts.

\---

He really liked what he was doing with his hands and his own fell to work himself. He caught onto the bit about ‘recent history’, but he let it roll over his shoulder. It was a topic he didn’t want to touch and so he’d never deigned to ask, despite his curiosity before they’d turned into a couple. “You’re a cruel dwarf.”

\---

“Am I? I've been sweet to you…” He angled his hips a little to press harder into his prostate with his next thrusts, still going slow but gradually picking up speed. “Don't you think so?”

\---

He moaned, his head tipping as he pushed into him with increasing insistence. “You're cruel to everyone else.” To all the people that wanted him, but couldn’t have him. “Not to me.” No one had ever been so sweet to him.

\---

“I know I have been. Crueler now that no one can have this cock but you. But that's alright, I can be sweet to the one that matters.” He leaned down to press a kiss to his spine and when he straightened up, he squeezed his ass harder as his force escalated, starting to really ram into him. “You feel so good…” He moaned out, loving the feel of him at this angle.

\---

The words and gesture gave him a welling of emotion, which he then fucked away. He cried out, not caring who would hear him, slamming himself back into him and stroking himself with the same neediness that his entire body was shuddering with. “I want you to feel so good.” He wanted him to want to be buried inside of him whenever he wasn’t. “Use me to feel good,” he begged, his breaths coming in gasps.

\---

“It always feels perfect with you, like I was made to fit inside of you.” It was so good and his words were interrupted by a groan. He knew he couldn't last much longer. He started to take him at a wild pace, letting need overtake him until he finally cried out, his hips snapping into him hard as he filled him.

\---

The feel of heat filling him made him desperate. He stroked himself feverishly and just as the dwarf finished, he fell over the edge himself, spilling into the water. When he’d dripped every drop, he slumped, sinking down into the dirtied water and panting against the porcelain.

\---

Varric sank down into the water with him, turning Anders toward him and wrapping him up in his arms. He was emotional and he couldn't entirely put his finger on why. He was still panting for breath and still enjoying the afterglow of his release, but there was something needy in the way he clung to Anders and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

\---

He was happy to be turned and he fell into him, hugging him. “Varric,” he sighed his name, his hands holding him as if afraid he’d disappear if he dared to release him. He felt so fortunate, so lucky, and some part of him was waiting for him to come back to his senses and figure out he didn’t want him.

\---

He said nothing in return, a definite rarity for him. He buried his face in his shoulder, breathing in his scent. It was a little different, thanks to the oils and soap in the water, but he was starting to recognize his natural smell as a simple comfort and it warmed him to pick up a hint of his cologne as well. He drew a slow, shuddering breath but stayed motionless, just needing to hold him tightly.

\---

He caught on to something being off and lifted a hand to stroke the back of his head reflexily. “Varric?” He repeated his name, but this time was questioning. His stomach tightened, considering the thoughts he’d just had, but was sure it was nothing like that. Not when he was holding him the way he was.

\---

“I just...need to stay like this for a moment.” He still wasn’t sure why he felt this way. He clung to him almost tight enough to bruise, as if he was afraid the mage would suddenly push him away. He knew better, but he needed to sort through what this surge of emotion was about and why it was so potent.

\---

That, of course, made him more concerned, but he didn’t question him. He just held him, continuing to stroke his fingers through his hair. He didn’t realize that the dwarf was experiencing the same fears that he was and this intimacy was giving them the same comfort. He wanted to wait until after he had gotten over whatever this was to ask him about it.

\---

“It feels like this can’t even be real. It feels like the stories I write.” He murmured into his shoulder after minutes of silence, finally feeling up to putting his thoughts into words. “I’m out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I’m adventuring far from Kirkwall, out in a ship on the open sea, holding a man that I’m in love with. I’m not cut out for stuff like this. I can’t hold onto anything this good…”

\---

He melted and pulled back, needing to meet his eyes. His hand moved in to touch his jaw, trembling. “Please, don’t let go. I haven’t been this happy… ever.” Not in his happiest days with Hawke. “I’m the one that should be questioning whether this is real.” He was and it was bizarre that his thoughts were reflected in his dwarf - he almost didn't believe it.

\---

Varric struggled to meet his eyes, another rarity from him. He leaned into the touch lightly and sighed. He didn’t like not knowing what to say. “I won’t, not so long as the Maker doesn’t turn this into some cruel joke.” Like he had his only other love. “I don’t...know how to be with someone. I don’t want to mess this up.”

\---

He still didn’t know what this was, but it was clear he was struggling and he wanted to soothe him. “It isn’t a high bar, love. Just don’t hurt me.” As far as he was concerned, that was the only thing that would ruin this. If he lost his temper and hit him, he wouldn’t stay. He wouldn’t go through all of that again. “I know you won’t, so I’m yours unless you change your mind.”

\---

“I would never mean to hurt you.” He meant emotionally. He already knew he’d never be one to raise a hand to Anders in anger. Especially after all he’d been through. “You’ll tell me if I do, right? My mouth runs constantly. I don’t want to say something thoughtlessly and mess everything up.”

\---

“I’ll tell you.” He didn’t think he would or even could, the way he was with him, but he would tell him if he did. “I want you to do the same for me. If I do something that upsets you or even just irritates you, I want you to tell me. I don’t want to ruin this either.” If he managed to push him away after all he’d done for him and all he’d already put up with, it would mean he’d really fucked up and he’d never forgive himself.

\---

“I don’t know if you want that. I’ve been told I’m a little high maintenance.” It felt good to be able to joke again, but he was still clearly rattled. He found himself pulling in to embrace Anders tightly again. “I just don’t know how I ended up so lucky that this all fell into place the way it did. You’re free, you’re in my arms, and you want to stay in my arms as much as I want to keep you.”

\---

His own fears were being eased each time he continued. “Varric… you’re amazing. I don’t-” He didn’t even know how to express everything that was welling up inside him. “I’m the lucky one. You’re not lucky, I am. My only wish is that this happened when I met you. This trip could’ve been our anniversary and everything might not have gotten so fucked up.”

\---

“I wish that too. It probably wouldn’t have though - I was so set in my ways. I didn’t want love or real intimacy in my life. I didn’t want to open myself to more heartache.” He slid his fingers into the mage’s hair, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek on his shoulder. “I’m glad I did, though. I’m glad you brought that out in me. It’s scary, but it’s so good too.”

\---

“...Do you want to talk about it?” This was obviously coming from somewhere. He was sure he knew where and though he didn’t want to talk about her, if it would make him feel better, he would. This insecurity was so unlike him - though it made sense considering how he was about these things - and he knew that it wasn’t something he would allow anyone else to see, so if he wanted to get this off his chest, he would listen to what he had to say.

\---

“I'm not ready to talk about it.” He murmured and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I will. I love you and you deserve to know all there is to know. I just...never expected to share these parts of me with anyone and I'm not sure how. Can you be patient with me for a little while until I figure it out?”

\---

“If you can’t tell me, it’s okay.” He knew that even if they wanted to share everything with each other, there were certain things that were too difficult to talk about. To _ever_ talk about. “I don’t expect anything - I just want you to feel better about things between us.” If it never came up, he was fine with that and really, as much as he did want to know everything there was to know about him, he didn’t want to know.

How could he measure up?

\---

“There's no reason for me to feel this way about things between us. It's been so good.” He stroked his fingers over his back, loosening his hold at least a little. “I guess that's the reason in and of itself. I finally have something good to lose.”

\---

“You’re not going to lose me.” If being with Hawke had proven anything, he was willing to put up with a lot. A lot more than he should. It would take a lot for that to change, _especially_ after being with Hawke. He finally had something good too and he was equally as scared of losing it. “I understand the way you’re feeling. I’m feeling the same way, though I feel a lot better after hearing this all from you. It’s good to know that you’re as invested as I am… so just try to remember that I’m as invested as you are.”

\---

With that, he managed to pull back again. He met his gaze more confidently, though his eyes were glassy with tears that wouldn't fall. “Then I guess we should both stop worrying and enjoy this. I'm sorry. Blondie. I shouldn't have let this get to me like it did.”

\----

He shook his head. “It’s alright.” His heart had softened seeing him like this. “I want to know how you’re feeling.” It was intense to know that he felt this way, but he was glad for it. He set his palm on his chest and felt the thumping of his heart. “Will you ever call me by my name?” He wouldn’t mind if he was forever his ‘Blondie’, but he did wonder if he would want to call him ‘Anders’.

\---

He smiled a little at that and leaned in to kiss his jaw lightly. “You're my Blondie. It feels impersonal to call you what everyone else calls you. Would you like me to call you Anders?” He asked, sampling the name on his tongue.

\---

It did sound odd coming from him. He’d never called him by his name before and though he kind of liked it, it didn’t feel right. “I’d like you to call me whatever you want to call me.” He paused and after a moment, he went on coyly, “Do you want to know a secret of my own? Something I’ve never told anyone?”

—

“I live for secrets.” He smirked and slid his fingers through the mage's damp hair. “Tell me something you've never told anyone. I'm all ears.”

\---

He met his gaze, drawing out the anticipation as he considered telling him. “Anders isn’t my name,” he told him simply, his eyes seeking a reaction.

—

“I wondered. Anders from the Anderfels seemed a little redundant.” He looked deeply intrigued, studying him as if he could somehow determine his name by looking at him. “Will you tell me your real name? Please?”

\---

He hesitated, actually struggling when it came to saying it. “Theodoric.” It was far stranger hearing himself say the name he’d abandoned than it was hearing Varric say the name that had replaced it. “My name is Theodoric,” he continued, sounding a little more sure of himself. “I haven’t gone by it since I was a boy, but I thought you’d like to know.”

\---

“You were right. I do want to know.” He leaned in to kiss him, soft and sweet. “Theodoric… I think that suits you. I’m glad you told me, now I have three names I can call you by.” Obviously it would be too jarring to call him by his real name all the time, but it might be good every once in awhile.

\---

“You don’t have to call me it,” he told him, somewhat sheepish. “It’s not really my name anymore.” He didn’t want to get into it, so he gave him a kiss of his own. “Come on, love, let’s dry off and get comfortable.”

\---

“No, but it’s part of your story. It’s part of who you are.” He said with a gentle smile when the kiss broke. He did as Anders suggested, climbing out of the tub and grabbing one of the towels provided. He found he was a bit chilled and quickly got to work on drying himself off.

\---

He stepped out of the tub and took a towel himself, drying himself off. As soon as he got most of the water, he tossed it aside and moved to the dwarf, setting his hands on his shoulders from behind and kissing the crown of his head. “Want to lay in bed or maybe curl up by the fire?”

\---

He smiled when he felt the hands on his shoulders and the kiss that followed. “Let’s go to the fire. I need to warm up a little before we settle in for the night.” He let his towel drop and turned enough to take Anders’ hand on lead him out toward the fire where Lucy was already curled up and napping.

\---

He waited until they were at the fire to wrap his arms around him completely and use his magic to warm him. “You don’t need a fire when you have me,” he told him, though he would be happy to sit beside him and enjoy the flames.

\---

Varric gave a pleased sigh, settling into him and enjoying the feel of the magic and the more distant flames heating his body. “That’s true, but I can’t go abusing your magic all the time. I’m not with you so you can heat and cool my body with your magic at my every whim.”

\---

“Maybe, but you are with me, so you might as well take advantage.” He smiled, snuggling into him and spreading more kisses over his head and hair. After everything that had been said, he was brimming with affection.

\---

He thoroughly enjoyed his kisses and he snuck in a few of his own. All of the affection was wonderful after how anxious he’d been all day and he soaked it in readily. “You’ll spoil me, Blondie.”

\---

“You should be spoiled.” He’d done so much for him and he deserved so much in return. “Have to see if I can’t make you feel as lucky as I do.” He was relentless with the kisses, smothering him in them. More concerned with that than with continuing their conversation.  

\---

“You won’t have to work hard. I’m a gambling man. I know luck when I’ve got it.” He still stole kisses for himself, but he could tell Anders was determined to keep showering him with them and he was more than happy to receive them. “Keep kissing me like this and I might get the impression that you like me a little bit.”

\---

“A little bit.” He was happy that his affection was welcome - it wouldn’t bother him if it  wasn’t something he wanted so much of, but if he was willing to take it, then he wouldn’t hold back. “I even love you a little bit.” He nipped his ear and murmured into it, “Just a little bit.”

\---

“Just a little bit.” He echoed, deciding he wasn’t close enough to him and sliding into his lap. He sighed softly and nestled himself against the mage’s chest, perfectly warm and comfortable in his hold. “I like you a little bit too. I probably even love you a little bit.”

\---

“A little bit,” he repeated, holding him to him. “You’re my dwarf.” His. He wouldn’t let anyone take him away, not unless it was the dwarf himself. He rocked the both of them, the motion subtle and slow.

\---

“You’re my human.” He closed his eyes, enjoying the easy sway of their bodies. “You’re everything I needed to relax today. No more business until I’m off the boat. The only writing I’ll do is for a play.” He didn’t have time to write an entire script, but it would be a fun thing to work on in Orlais.

\---

It was rare that he was called ‘human’ and it made him smile to hear it from him. “Good. I missed you today. I want to spend tomorrow with you.” He wanted to have fun with him and enjoy his freedom to the fullest.

\---

“You’ll have me all day tomorrow. No more fretting over letters.” He yawned softly, weary after a day of tension and nerves. He could himself starting to drift and he chuckled under his breath. “Keep rocking me this way and I’ll fall asleep.”

\---

“Let’s move to bed then.” He wouldn’t mind if he fell asleep on him - he’d be endeared by it, even - but he’d have to eventually wake him to get him to bed, so better that they go while he was still awake and aware. Then he could settle and sleep through the night.

\---

“Good idea. I’m heavier than I look, I wouldn’t want you to have to carry me.” He knew Anders was perfectly capable, strong as he was, but he still didn’t want him to have to. He eased out of the mage’s lap and offered his hand so they could go to bed together and Lucy seemed to pick up on the idea, moving from the fireplace to take her place up by their pillows where she liked to sleep with both of them.

\---

He took his hand and used it to help himself up. The bed was comfortable, though lacking in furs, so he made up for that much by reaching and running his fingers through the cat’s coat. “Goodnight, Lucy.” He scratched at her scruff and trailed the touch down to her tail. That done, he did the same to his dwarf, sliding his arm around him and trailing the tips of his fingers along his spine.

\---

Lucy got a scratch from Varric as well and between the two of them, she was purring softly when she curled up and closed her eyes. “Goodnight, pretty girl.” The dwarf murmured to his cat before he settled into Anders, sighing softly as the hand stroked along his skin. He pressed in closely, draping and arm around him and resting his head against his chest. He wanted the positioning to be much like it had been by the fire. “Goodnight, my beautiful Blondie.”


	52. Chapter 52

The rest of the journey to Orlais had been wonderful for Varric. Anders was all smiles and there had been plenty of laughing and drinking, but also plenty of time spent cuddled up quietly by the fire. His own stress had crept up on him once or twice, but the man had a way of soothing him with a gentle touch or smile that made it easy to leave his Kirkwall worries behind.

When they reached their destination, Isabela seemed right at home but Varric was in awe. It was so different from the city he’d spent his entire life in. They took their time finding the inn they'd booked rooms in, exploring and sightseeing. Lucy was tucked into one of Varric's bags and she poked her head out from time to time, her nostrils flaring as she took in all the new scents around her.

Reaching the inn, Varric was delighted to hear the chatter of many patrons dining and drinking on the ground floor. Not as rough as the crowd at the Hanged Man, for sure, but a familiar comfort. The innkeeper was quite friendly with tourists and was happy to show them to their rooms, especially since these were of course two of her most expensive rooms, but Isabela got side tracked by something she saw on the lower level and lagged behind.

“Don't mind her, we'll show her where her room is later.” Varric had said apologetically and they'd been taken to their room alone. When they were given their key and left on their own, Varric looked around and gave a whistle. “Puts the Hanged Man to shame, doesn't it, Blondie?” He rarely saw homes furnished as nicely as this room. He set his bags down, immediately getting to work on setting up Lucy’s water dish and box, knowing she had to be sick of being cooped up in his luggage.

\---

Anders’ expression reflected the whistle and as he began to explore, he was struck stupid. “...I can’t believe you can afford this.” He could, actually, knowing all that he did. He was wrapped in well-earned wealth, though he didn’t display it. His luxuries came in the form of experiences and pampering.

He’d never met someone who spent so much time, energy, and coin on taking care of themselves. He liked it that him though, it endeared him to see everything he did to present himself as the best possible version of himself.

\---

“There are perks to babysitting everyone in Kirkwall. And I haven't put a dent in my spoils from the Deep Roads.” He set Lucy on the floor and she immediately began to sniff around, inspecting the new surroundings. “Speaking of which, I have something for you. I wanted to wait until we got here to give it to you.”

\---

He made a wistful sound. He’d had more important things to worry about than the Deep Roads. Given his choice, they wouldn’t have gone at all, much less invested in it, but he wouldn’t have minded a slice of the profits. He’d enjoyed them in a way, through Hawke, but they definitely hadn’t been worth it.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” He turned to face him, curious what he had for him. Despite the talk of wealth leading into it, he figured it was something like a poem. He’d like a poem from him.

\---

“I had something made for you.” He’d had to be sneaky about getting the measurements right, but he was confident it would fit him like a glove. He busied himself with choosing the dresser he wanted, starting to unpack. He was particular about how he liked his things and he was eager to get them out of his bag and organized. Building up a little anticipation wouldn’t hurt either, he wanted to give Anders a few moments to wonder about his gift.

\---

“You didn’t have to do that.” It finally hit him that he must’ve gotten him something that cost more than nothing. His thoughts went to something he’d said on the ship, about him hoping that he didn’t mind him showering him in gold. Surely nothing like that.

He watched him unpack, uncertain if he was going to give it to him now or if he was telling him that he’d be getting something soon.

\---

“No, I don’t have to do a lot of things. But I do whatever seems fun at the time.” He smirked and continued to unpack. When he reached the base of his luggage where he’d stored the gift, he looked back to Anders. “Do you want it now, Blondie?”

\---

Admittedly, he was curious. It’d been a long time since he’d received a gift. He couldn’t remember the last time, really, though he knew that Hawke had considered the robes he’d given him to covered his wounds a gift. His skin crawled and he pushed the thought aside. “If you want to give it to me.” He moved closer to him, peeking into the bag.

\---

“I knew you were going to want to get rid of the robes Hawke got you as soon as you were out of there, so I had something _very_ different made for you. I didn’t know you were going to cut it to shreds as soon as you were out, so I had to improvise and use your old robes while you were sleeping to get the measurements right to have it tailored.” He said with a soft smile as he pulled the robes from the bag. They were clearly meant to turn heads, so ornate that they could easily be mistaken for the garb of nobles rather than that of a mage. Which was part of the idea - he didn’t love the idea of an outfit that would specifically draw templar attention.

They were made up of three shades of green with gold detailing, concentrated mostly on the darkest green portions where the gold was a stunning contrast. The entire ensemble was light-weight and of soft, luxurious fabric. True to Varric’s style, the collar was very open, showing his collarbones and even a bit of his chest between where two detailed layers of fabric met - they began up on his shoulders and came together at the chest level, blending to form the front portion of the robes. It was all bound together with a belt that was every bit as extravagant as the rest of it.

“I told the seamstress all about you. She told me this color scheme would be the best to compliment your hair and your eyes. What do you think, Blondie?”

\---

He was at a loss and for a time he said nothing, taking the robes and unfolding them. They were _far_ nicer than his robes and even nicer than the ones that he’d cut up, which had been an improvement themselves. “They’re beautiful,” he murmured, laying them out on the bed and taking in the intricate detail. He didn’t want to know how much they’d cost, not to mention the trouble he’d gone through to get them done in so sort a time.

“You really didn’t have to do that.” He ran his hand over the fabric, feeling how soft and silky it was.

\---

“If I would have had more advance notice that we were going to Orlais, I’d have had some frills added to them. But they’re pretty enough that should be fashionable here even without the usual frills or enormous collars.” He smiled, watching him admire the fabric.

\---

He was sure he was joking… or at least he hoped he was joking. “I’m glad you didn’t.” They were perfect and anything more would’ve been too much. After a while, he forced his eyes up, looking at him with uncertainty. Grateful uncertainty. “Are you sure? I know you want to make me happy, but I don’t need these sorts of things to be happy.” As much as he liked them, and he did like them, he didn’t need them.

\---

“Of course you don’t. But I wanted you to have them _and_ I wanted to make you happy.” He moved in closer and took hold of his arm, pulling him down enough to steal a kiss from him. “You don’t have to protect my feelings if you don’t like them. I could have something else made to your liking…”

\---

He was surprised Varric thought he didn’t like them, but then he supposed  he wasn’t showing any excitement or the happiness of which they spoke. “I love them. I haven’t wore robes like this in a long time. Even then, they weren’t this nice.” He touched the fabric again. “I just… I just don’t want you to think I expect things and it’s been a long time since I’ve been given a gift like this.”

\---

The dwarf shook his head. “I know you’re not expecting extravagant gifts. That’s what made it so fun to get one for you. I’m just glad you like them, Blondie. If they don’t fit as well as they should, I’ll have them tailored to you while we’re here.”

\---

It took a while still for all of this to settle. He felt guilty, but the warmth from the gesture helped keep his stomach from getting knotted. “I’ll have to try them on.” Just to see if they fit - he couldn’t image he intended on him wearing them all the time. They were would get worn out so much faster if he completely retired the threadbare frock.

He stripped, letting his clothing fall to the floor at his feet and changing into its ornate replacement with some trial and error.

\---          

Varric moved in to help him, though he wasn't sure how the new fastenings worked either. When it was on, he stood back and looked at him, releasing a slow breath. “...They really do bring out your eyes.” He took him by the hand, guiding him to the full length mirror in the room so he could see for himself.

\---

He kept fiddling with it, figuring the gap that was baring his chest wasn’t meant to be there and he was missing a fastening, but when they came to the mirror, he froze. It’d been a long time since he’d stopped to take himself in and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from himself. He moved closer to the mirror and his eyes kept moving between the robes and his own face, lingering longer and longer at the latter, until he meeting his own eyes in the mirror.

“I look younger.” It hadn’t actually taken any years off, but this was how he would’ve wanted to dress when he escaped the Circle.

\---

“You've looked younger ever since we got on the ship.” With all of the smiles and laughter, he really had looked youthful compared to the frightened, battered man that had been chained to a bed. “You're gorgeous, Blondie.”

\---

His eyes went to the dwarf and he gave him a shy, but pleased smile. They wanted to gravitate back to himself, however, and it was but a beat before he was gazing at himself again. “I am, aren’t I?” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like this, not without taking a cock. Sex was the only time he really felt sexy and even that had stopped after all of the abuse.

He was in love with the robes and he kind of liked how much they were revealing, though he did take another attempt at closing them. “...They’re supposed to be like this, aren’t they?” The dwarf was so fond of showing off his own chest, after all.

\---

“They are. You've got such pretty, smooth skin. Why not show off a little of it?” He reached up to run his fingers over the bit of his chest the robes left exposed. He fully intended to take some of that space up with gold, but Anders didn't need to know that just yet.

\---

“Are you trying to make me blush?” He finally turned from the mirror, moved to his knees and wrapped his arms around him. “Thank you, love.” He couldn’t find the words to say how fortunate he felt. “Do you want me to wear them or wait until we have somewhere to go?”

\---

“It's not up to me, they're yours.” He embraced him tightly, thrilled he was so pleased with them. His hand stroked over his back lightly - he loved fine fabrics and he couldn't resist. “Wear them as much or as little as you like.”

\---

“I’ll wait. No point in wearing them if I’m sitting in and the more I wear them, the more likely it is I’ll wear them out.” He kissed him and then shifted back, straightening up and starting to take them off, but when he caught sight of himself again, he stopped and resumed where he’d left off in staring at himself.

\---

“They're more durable than they look. Besides, I'll have some others made. No need to just have one nice set of robes and feel like you can't wear them as often as you like.” Varric smirked as he watched him return to admiring himself.

There was a single warning knock on the door before Isabela stepped in, looking as pleased as a child surrounded by sweets. “We came at a good time, there's a lot for us to…” She trailed off when she caught sight of Anders, her eyes shamelessly roaming him. “Damn, Handsome…”

\---

“You don’t have to do that,” he insisted, though he had to admit that it would be nice to have more than one set of robes to wear. Even in the Circle, he’d had a couple sets that he’d been allowed to cycle through. He turned at the sound of the knock and he finally flushed, stepping behind his boyfriend sheepishly. “Varric bought them for me,” he explained, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it.

\---

“Well, don't hide yourself then. Let me see.” They were certainly worth showing off and her eyes were attracted to all of the gold.

“He's stunning, isn't he?” Varric chuckled and put his hand on Anders’ giving it a reassuring squeeze.

\---

His cheeks brightened, but he did as he was bid, stepping out to let her have the full effect. He fidgeted and tugged at the fabric, though it was already laying as it ought to.

“Not as stunning as you,” he countered, turning it on him.

—

“You're _almost_ as stunning, though." Varric teased and gave Anders’ ass a playful pat when he moved out from behind him.

“Look at you, you're blushing. They're so pretty…” Isabela murmured as she moved in close, helping herself to running her fingers over the intricate detailing on the robe. “And so soft!”

“And now you've had your chance to touch them. Hands off my man, Rivaini.” Varric told her firmly but chuckled when she pouted and moved to flop onto their bed instead.

“Anyway, I came up here to tell you that we came at a good time. There is a festival going on over the next couple weeks. Food, music, dancing. Even a costume ball…” She told them, her eyes still fixed on Anders.

\---

He smiled, not minding her inspection. He far preferred her focus to be on the clothes, as opposed to him. “I’ve only been to a festival once - I’m glad we came when we did.” He’d really enjoyed it and it was one of his favorite memories regarding his failed escapes.

He forgot all about changing and moved to sit in one of the chairs nearby.

“Should we do anything tonight or should we just spend the time settling in?”

—

“This is your trip, Blondie. We'll do whatever you want to do.” Varric moved to the nearest window to look outside and watch the people walking by on the street below. Lucy had a similar idea and was already perched on another window to gaze out at the city.

“I say we go out. We should celebrate our first night in town.” The pirate stretched out over the massive fur laid over the bed, always taking advantage of the dwarf’s furs whenever she visited his room at the Hanged Man.

\---

“It’s not just my trip. It’s our trip.” Sure, they came because he needed to get away, but he didn’t want it to be all about him. They could do anything and he’d enjoy the simple fact that they weren’t doing it in Kirkwall. “We can go out… I’m sure you already have something in mind.”

\---

“Nothing specific. I just want to drink myself silly.” Isabela chuckled and ran her fingers slowly through the fur. “We don’t even have to go _out_ necessarily. We could do that downstairs.”

“I wouldn’t mind a couple drinks.” Varric said as he turned back to resume unpacking. This time he was settling up on the table inside the room, choosing a side for himself and putting out his ink, quills, and stacks of parchment. “We could also teach the locals how to lose at Wicked Grace.”

\---

“We can do that.” It would be a easy way to familiarize themselves with what was going on. “Maybe if we win enough coin, we can use it to buy Lucy something while we’re here,” he smiled, liking the thought of using Orlesian gold to treat the cat.

\---

“Would you like that, pretty girl? A little more gold for everyone to fuss over?” The dwarf asked the cat in the window. She heard her name and looked back at them, but only offered a few slow blinks before turning her attention back to the window to watch the bustle of the streets outside.

“If she doesn’t want it, we’ll just spend it on me.” Isabela smirked. She was adorned in plenty of gold, but she wanted more and she meant to leave Orlais with at least one new piercing while she was at it.

\---

“She does.” He rose to his feet and made his way over to the window so he could stroke her. “We’d just have to figure out where we’re going to put it.” They could get her another collar, but where was the fun in replacing what she already had?

\---          

Lucy seemed to appreciate the attention while she looked out at the world, purring and nuzzling her head against his hand when it was close enough.

“I’d never pierce her ears, but maybe she’d like a little ear cuff.” Doubtful, she’d probably hate it and paw it it until it fell off. “Or perhaps something to cover her little leg stump. She still doesn’t like to be touched there.” He mused, watching Anders give the cat affection.

\---

“Oh, I think that would be nice.” She would look so fashionable and he was sure that it wouldn’t be difficult to make it cradle her in a way that would be comfortable. He pressed a kiss to between her ears, then left her to her spying, making his way back to Varric. He never strayed from him for long. “Are you ready to go downstairs and join the fun? Maybe we can eat something too, I’m a little hungry.”

\---

“I’m ready. I need to speak to the innkeeper anyway. I don’t doubt that I’ve already had mail sent here from the Merchant’s Guild.”  He’d given the address to where they’d be staying when he’d left others in charge of his duties and he imagined they’d probably started sending invoices and problems his way the moment he left Kirkwall. He moved from the table, taking Anders’ hand. When Isabela hopped up from the bed, she moved to Anders’ other side took another opportunity to run her fingers down the fabric of his new robes. “Who cares about mail? We need to talk to the innkeeper about rum.”

\---

He looked sidelong at Isabela when she touched him and, just because he could, he gave her ass a squeeze beneath her tunic. He tried not to look at her ass and thighs most of the time, but sometimes it was impossible. If they were still in Kirkwall, he wouldn’t have thought to touch her, but while he was feeling so playful and carefree, he didn’t think it a big deal and to make it fair, he leaned over and did the same to his dwarf, giving his ass a solid grope through his trousers.

“Let’s go,” he grinned, pleased  with himself.

\---

She smirked when he gave her ass a squeeze and pressed into his side, taking his arm in hers. “Feeling cheeky tonight, Handsome? I can’t blame you, those robes would make anyone a little cheeky.”

Varric laughed and started to tug the both of them toward the door. “Come on, if we’re all going to start groping each other, we should at least be drinking while we do it.”

\---

He followed him, using her grip on his arm to help drag her along. “You have your cards, don’t you?” he wanted to remind him, just in case. If they were going to be playing cards, they needed said cards to play.

\---

“Always.” He had the old deck he always kept in his jacket. The one in which he’d memorized the wear on all of the important cards and used that knowledge to cheat, much as he had used it when he’d played a drinking game with Anders long ago. He closed the door behind them, pausing to lock it. He had plenty of gold stashed in the room, not to mention a cat with a very expensive collar. “My weighted dice too, just in case there’s a card shark down there and we need to win some money back.”

\---

As soon as the door was locked, he was leading the way, tugging them both down the stairs. “Hopefully Orlesian food is good and hopefully Orlesian liquor is even better.” He wanted to indulge and as soon as they were in the bar, he made a beeline for the counter.

\---

“It is and it is.” Isabela wanted to assure him of both, not caring if it didn’t make sense to anyone else. Of course as an inn, it didn’t have the finest of cuisine, but she ordered an expensive dish just the same and when she saw Varric fretting over the menu, she ordered a second for him. “Wait until we’re out on the town tomorrow. I’ll take you somewhere with the best crab and lobster you’ll ever taste.”

\---

Deciding he wanted to try something different - he could steal some of Varric’s dish to try it - his eyes landed on something he didn’t recognize and, without knowing what it was, he chose it. If he didn’t like it, he could just steal more of Varric’s dish. “You guys get the drinks - I’ll find a table.” He broke away from them and hurried off to do just that, finding an empty one in a corner and marking their claim by dropping into a chair.

\---

Isabela ordered their drinks. Varric would have been fine with starting out with an ale or even trying the local wine, but she’d insisted on rum and so they brought a bottle back to the table along with three glasses. The dwarf dropped down into his seat and Isabela chose another for herself. She’d like to be perched in a lap, but it could wait until after she’d eaten - she was pretty hungry herself. Varric was surveying the crowd, studying people without ever letting his eyes linger to long so as to catch their attention.

\---

While they were waiting, he scooted his chair closer to Varric and slid his arms around the dwarf’s. “Want to pour me a glass?” he murmured to him, pressing a couple of kisses to his cheek.

\---

“We may as well get you started.” He rather liked all the drinking and merriment in the mage lately and he poured him a glass before doing the same for the pirate and himself. He leaned into Anders lightly, enjoying the closeness and the kisses and when he took the first sip of his drink, he made a satisfied sound. “That’s really smooth.” He murmured and Isabela beamed as if she’d made the liquor herself and hadn’t simply suggested it.

\---

He took up his glass and had a sip, humming in agreement. “Strong.” He’d have to be careful he didn’t drink too much or he’d be a detriment if they were trying to collect coin. Then again, he could always sit out and watch them play while he got sloshed.

\---

It was indeed strong and it was a good thing they hadn’t really gone out - they could get very drunk and would only need to stumble their way up the stairs. He was thrilled when their meals came quickly and he was quick to dig into what Isabela had ordered him even though he wasn’t exactly sure what it was at first glance. As he got through the first bites, he quickly realized it was large mushroom caps stuffed with peppers, cheeses, spices, and a tender and richly marinated meat that he guessed to be venison, all sitting in a shallow pool of garlic and butter on the plate. He’d never seen anything quite like it, but he was impressed. “Not bad, Rivaini.” He said as he cut off some pieces for Anders, scooting some onto his plate but also offering him a bite right from his fork.

\---

He smiled when he was offered the fork and he took a bite from it eagerly. “Oh… that’s good.” He eyed his plate and then looked down at what he had himself. It looked to be a slab of beef wrapped in some kind of pastry and stuffed with herbs. The meat was moist and as he cut into it, it bled. He took a bite and sighed, just as satisfied. He took another bite, this time focusing in on the mixed vegetables on the side, sprinkled with salt and pepper and gleaming with butter.

“Here, try this.” He cut off a large chunk of his beef and set it on his plate.

\---

“That’s really good too.” Varric hummed after taking the bite from Anders. “Okay, okay. Orlais definitely has its food and its liquor figured out.” He chased this with another smooth drink of rum. It was a great compliment to the richness of both of their meals.

“But from what I remember, they aren’t so great at cards here. So chances are that our meals will be paid for by the fine patrons of the inn.” Isabela chuckled, ravenously working on her own meal. She’d need to find someone to bed that night to burn off some of the excess calories, but that was seldom a problem.

\---

“So far I like it,” he agreed, working his way through everything in front of him quickly. He didn’t know all that much about Orlais, only what he’d read and heard, but he thought it somewhere he wouldn’t mind staying. If it wasn’t for the influence of the Chantry here, he might’ve come after his final escape.

In a way, he supposed that this was his final escape.

When he finished off his plate and his glass, he resumed giving his dwarf attention, peppering his jaw with kisses and giving him a little jolt of a lick.

\---

He startled a little, still unused to the electricity his lover had been using on him lately but chuckled and stole a kiss from him while he was kissing along his jaw. Normally people-watching held his attention but it was hard to take his eyes off of Anders, caught up in him especially while he was being showered in affection.

Isabela helped herself to refilling both of their glasses, then her own. “I caught that. I’ve missed that spark you’ve got, Handsome.” She sighed wistfully, wishing her recent night of fun with him could have included his magic.

\---

The mage looked at her and realized exactly what she was thinking about. “Sorry, Isabela,” he smirked, regretful, but not really. He lowered his head to rest on the Varric’s shoulder as he addressed her. “I’m sure you can find yourself someone with my talents.” His smirk widened. “Well, probably not _my_ talents, but a cheap imitation, surely.”

\---

“Yeah, I’ve had some similar treatment. But it’s not the same. Maybe some night your sweet dwarf will share again.” She fluttered her lashes at Varric and he chuckled.

“I think you forget that favor was for him, not for you.” He turned a little to kiss the top of Anders’ head while it rested on his shoulder. “Those talents of his are mine to enjoy now.”

\---

The possessiveness felt good, especially since he wasn’t violent about it. He wasn’t taking a swing at her for suggesting something like that. As she’d said, he’d even shared him with her and the fact that he’d sacrificed fidelity to ensure he was taken care of warmed him. “He enjoys them plenty,” he purred, pressing a smattering of kisses to his shoulder.

\---

“I do. I’m still getting used to them. I had a few tricky lovers in the past that liked to play hot and cold. But you are the first I’ve had that plays with sparks. It’s...a little more stimulating, to say the least.” He hadn’t bedded many mages and fewer still that liked to use their magic in bed. But none of it measured up to what Anders could do and he moved a hand to his thigh beneath the table, giving it a squeeze.

“I’ve had some good sparklers.” Isabela smirked and looked out over the crowd. She’d have to find someone fun to take to bed after all this talk.

\---

He enjoyed the touch and he let his thighs open, though it wasn’t quite an invitation. Not that he’d mind, but he knew they had things to do. “So, how are you going to get this started?” There was _almost_ an innuendo there, but also not quite.

\---

“I’ll go shop around for some wealthy drunk people.” Isabela winked then grabbed her glass. She sipped at it as she rose from the table, headed off flirt with some of the other patrons.

“She knows how to spot easy prey. We’ll have enough winnings tonight to get Lucy something pretty.” Varric smirked and gave Anders’ thigh a little stroke, though he didn’t take it too high. He turned his eyes back to the crowd, his eyes scanning.

\---

“We’ll have to get you something pretty too.” It wouldn’t be fair if they got new outfits and he didn’t. “We should go shopping for you tomorrow.” Find him something that he could wear while they were here. Maybe something as ornate as what he was wearing himself.

\---

“I never say no to an opportunity to shop for myself.” He didn’t splurge all that often on clothes or jewelry, but if Anders wanted to, he could hardly resist. “You can help me pick something out.” He finally turned his eyes back to his mage and stole a kiss from him. “I just have to keep an eye out in case we run into my idiot brother while we’re in town, though I highly doubt he’s in Orlais. He’s not in this inn tonight, at least.” He raised his glass and took a long drink.

\---

It was curious that he was bringing up his brother, though he knew well how bitter he was about that whole business. “What’s making you think about him?” he asked, taking a sip of his own and as he awaited an answer.

\---

“I don’t know where he’s run off to. He could be here in Orlais.” He gave a little shrug. He wanted to know where he was, he at least needed to see that he was alright. But he didn’t intend to find him here and so he wasn’t going to actively search for him. “I still think he’s probably in Rivain though.”

\---

“What’ll we do when we find him?” He smiled, suddenly remembering all the ways they joked about taking their revenge on him on their way out of the Deep Roads. “Still wanna boil him in oil? Tub’s pretty big. I could get it pretty hot.”

\---

He brightened considerably at that. “That’s messy though. I wouldn’t have him messing up our nice tub. ...We’ll find another tub to boil him in.” He chuckled and took a deep drink of rum.

\---

“Let’s use Isabela’s tub. Revenge and a prank, all-in-one.” He could see that he was nearly finished with his rum, whereas he’d hardly touched this round himself. “Don’t get too far ahead of me,” he murmured, taking another sip of his own. “If you think you’re going to out drink me and have me to take care of you, I’ll have you know that I intend on getting just as drunk if not drunker.”

\---

“We can’t use her tub either, she’ll start bathing in _ours_. We’ll find a tub if we’re unlucky enough to find him.” He snorted and gave Anders’ thigh another squeeze. “You remember that you’re with a dwarf, right? I can hold my liquor, I won’t need any tending to. I just hope you seriously don’t mean to try to keep up with me.”

\---

“You remember that you’re with a Grey Warden, right?” The way he metabolized things, he could hold his own. The last time he’d gotten plastered in his presence, far more plastered than he had, was because he’d had to drink far more than him and that was due to losing the drinking game they’d played, or at least that’s what he thought. “I can keep up with you as long as you don’t scarf down all your drinks.”

\---

“I’ll slow down a little, I guess.” He leaned in to kiss his cheek, but afterwards he stayed close to whisper in his ear. “I plan to get plenty drunk tonight. But I’ve got to pace myself to make sure I can get hard enough to give you a good pounding once we get upstairs.” It would be a shame if he got so far gone he couldn’t end their first night in Orlais by making his mage scream his name.

\---

His cheeks heated and he returned the favor of coming close. “What _I’d_ like to do is slip under the table and suck you while you steal every coin in this inn.” He’d love to see how he handled it and if he’d help with his luck or if he’d chip it away completely.

\---

“That's what you want to do tonight?” The idea gave him a pleasant thrill and he turned his head to give him a brief, heated kiss. “Then maybe you should get under the table before Rivaini comes back with tonight's victims.”

\---

His brows lifted and he hesitated, waiting to see if he was joking. When it seemed he wasn’t, his eyes scanned the area around them and then he dropped to his shins and slid beneath the table, in front of him. It was a large enough table that there was room around him for the legs of whoever else might join them.

\---

Varric couldn’t wipe the smirk off of his face, though he was confident he could once they were joined at the table. He spread his thighs so his boyfriend could settle between them, reaching down beneath the table briefly to give his hair a stroke. “You’ll have to catch up on drinks later.” He murmured before grabbing his own glass and taking a long sip. A better buzz would help him hide what Anders was up to.

\---

He grinned and he pulled at his sash, loosening it a little and then unlacing his trousers to pull him out. Rather than start with touches, he decided to start with kisses, pressing his lips to him almost affectionately, though he did tease him with his tongue as well.

\---

It already felt amazing and he wriggled a little in his seat but quickly went still. He was hard from the teasing within seconds, the excitement of hiding what they were doing adding to the heat of Anders’ lips and tongue. By the time Isabela returned with three rich-looking men, Varric was rigid. “Good evening, folks. We've got enough people for a good game now.”

\---

Anders paused when he heard him greet whoever was there and he watched as the seats around him was taken. He flushed with delight and decided it was time to take him in his mouth, sucking hard, but shallowly around the head of him.

“Good evening,” one of the men replied, though they were all looking him over. He stood out, just as the woman had, clearly not from around here. The one that spoke reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his own deck of cards. “If you please.” He had no intention of using whatever deck the dwarf might have on him.

\---

Varric didn't let his displeasure at not being able to use his deck show, he had more than one trick up his sleeve. Besides, he was getting plenty of pleasure to make up for it down below. “By all means.” He looked to Isabela in a way that could be interpreted as a flirty smirk, but really he was asking what the hell she'd done. She was usually good at finding suckers, not people who would know better than to use his cards. The pirate winked at him in reply. She felt they had this handled, even if they weren't complete idiots.

\---

He had no idea what was going on above, but he was listening. He waited until he heard the sound of shuffling overhead to begin letting his tongue spark, taking him in deeper as he stroked the base of him slowly. He was getting aroused himself and in an effort to show him, scooted a little closer to his leg, letting his cock press against his shin through their clothing.

\---

His breath caught a little when the spark hit him, but he covered it with a little cough, quickly turning his attention to the cards he’d been dealt. It was so good and when he was sucked just right, he had to take a deep drink to hold back a groan.

“Should we wait for Handsome?” Isabela spoke up after she’d looked at her cards, her eyes scanning for him through the crowd. She’d assumed he’d gone to the bathroom or to get another drink, but it seemed like Varric was ready to play without him.

“No, there was something else he needed to work on. We’ll play without him.” Varric said smoothly and as the game began, he rubbed his leg lightly against Anders, glad to feel that he was enjoying himself down there.

\---

Anders could hear coins dropping on the table and he was so caught up in what he was doing, he wanted to  make it as difficult as he could for him. He not only chilled his palm, but made it cold enough for frost to be radiating from it. Then he made his tongue warm, almost searingly so, but not enough to hurt him, meeting in the middle and overlapping to give him both sensations simultaneously.

\---

It was incredibly difficult for him to conceal his reactions, and even harder for him to focus. He won the first few rounds just the same, but by the fourth, he was getting so overwhelmed by all that Anders was doing to him. His breathing had picked up and the mix of temperatures had him starting to sweat.

“You alright?” Isabela had asked him under her breath and he gave her an easy smile. “Oh, definitely. Just excited about my lucky streak.” Varric answered, his voice remarkably even considering how hard he was throbbing in Anders’ hand and mouth.

\---

It took a lot of concentration to maintain both elements and when he got his cock at a suitable gradient, he gave up both in favor of taking him to the back of his throat and letting him come back to equilibrium there where it was merely warm, but plenty wet. He shifted slightly, trying to press himself harder into him, while his fingers slipped beneath his sash and shirt to brush the thick trail of hair that lead down to where he was toying.

\---

It was impossible to keep completely still and he had to shift in his seat to obscure the way his hips needed to give Anders a little buck as he neared his end. He continued to rub his shin against Anders, hoping to stimulate him at least a little through this and he wished he could peek beneath the table to watch him have his fun. He gasped when he spilled into his throat, using a cough to cover both that sound and the need to writhe as his seed was drained from him. He lost that round, but he hardly felt like he’d lost anything.

\---

He continued to touch him, fingers digging into his flesh. So warm and the hair was pleasantly thick. Even when he had all of him, he continued to suck on him. Though he was softer about it, he didn’t stop, utilizing his sensitivity so that he could get off to all his squirming.

\---

It was almost more than he could stand, but it was also incredible. He managed to keep his squirms subtle, but it was harder to keep silent. He tried to focus on working Anders with his leg, wanting to distract from his own pleasure a little by knowing he was getting his boyfriend off.

The locals had won a couple rounds out of luck, but Varric had the majority of the winnings despite his distraction. Isabela was beginning to catch up though and when it came time to bet again, she was watching the dwarf with sharp eyes. “Double.” She pushed forward twice the required amount to bet to stay in. “And what you’re having if I win with this hand.”

Varric had hardly been able to pay attention to the game and he struggled to understand what it was she was asking for. What he was having? He wasn’t drinking anything special. When his staring at her in puzzlement prompted her to shift her eyes down subtle, he felt his cheeks flush a little more than they already were. She knew. She knew and she was asking to…

“That confident in your hand?” He asked and when he noticed the locals giving them odd looks, he took a long drink, hoping they would follow his initial assumption that she wanted what he was drinking. He gave Anders a firmer rub with his leg. “You’re on. But you can’t claim that prize until we get upstairs.” That way Anders could say no if he didn’t want to. And more importantly, he could enjoy the show himself.

\---

At first, Anders didn’t know what she was talking about either, but when he realized that she’d caught on, he pulled off of him. He bit his lip, uncertain if he should continue, though it didn’t make a difference if she wasn’t calling them out. Then it hit him what she was asking and by then Varric was responding and he flushed. He found himself wrapping his arms around his leg and beginning to hump it.

\---

It was a relief to be free of Anders’ mouth - he never thought he’d feel that way in his life. But he could finally recover and he worked his leg to grind into him while he was humped. He wanted to do more for him, but it was all he had to get him off for now - he’d make up for it when they were upstairs.

“I wouldn’t have made such a bet on something I couldn’t win.” Isabela purred as she revealed an all but perfect hand. When it was clear she’d won Varric sighed. He stretched while the cards were being shuffled, using the opportunity to stroke his fingers through Anders’ hair beneath the table. “We’ll talk about you claiming that prize when we get upstairs.”

\---

He heard what the results were and he bit his lip harder, eyes shutting as he became almost desperate in the way he was trying to take what he could from him. It took a few minutes and by then he was panting for air. Though it wasn’t audible in the din, he still had to lift a hand to muffle himself when his hips turned erratic and he spilled and spoiled his new robes.

\---

Varric smirked when he felt and heard, only because he was listening for it, the mage getting off beneath the table. It was probably mostly their secret game beneath the table, but maybe some of it was the notion that the pirate had won a favor from him as well. He’d find out.

The rest of the games went quickly in comparison and though he didn’t win them all, Varric was leaving with a lot more coin on him than he’d started with. He waited until the other players were well out of sight before he reached under the table to touch Anders again. “All clear, Blondie. Let’s go upstairs.”

\---

Before he crawled out from beneath the table, he tucked him away, tied his laces, and tightened his sash. As soon as he was out, he wrapped his arms around the dwarf and kissed him demandingly. He’d missed him, despite having been at his feet the entire time, and he wanted his touch.

\---

Varric answered his kiss hungrily, liking to taste himself on his tongue. He knew his own tongue likely tasted strongly of booze - he’d had to drink quite a bit to keep from blowing his cover. He hugged him tightly and would have been content to kiss him for much longer if Isabela hadn’t reminded them of her presence. “Shall we head upstairs, boys?”

\---

The taste was strong and he wished he could have another drink himself, but that desire was secondary to what he was currently taking. He broke the kiss when they were addressed and when he looked to Isabela, he blushed. He pulled back from Varric, though he kept his hands looped around his arm.

\---

“Get upstairs, Rivaini.” He nodded toward the stairs and after the pirate winked at Anders, she started up ahead of them. He looked to Anders then, stealing another kiss before he started to rise from his chair. “Whether she gets her prize or not is up to you, Blondie. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But if you do want to, I get a front row seat.” He said that in no uncertain terms, he wasn’t going to let Isabela enjoy anything from his man if he couldn’t indulge too.

\---

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Really, he just wanted Varric, but if it was part of the game they were playing, he didn’t want to be a spoilsport. “Do you want me to?” He knew he was leaving it up to him, but he wanted to know what Varric wanted. If he wanted him to, then he’d do it. If Varric didn’t care… then he wasn’t so sure.

\---

“I’m usually a possessive man, but she did have an impressive hand and I can’t blame her for wanting a little of what I was getting at the table.” He smirked as he took him by the hand to start leading him up the stairs. “I think just this once I could let it slide. I can watch and afterwards, you and I can break in our new room.”

\---

He looked at him intently and then after a moment, answered, “No, I don’t want to.” It seemed like he really didn’t like sharing him and he couldn’t blame him for that, and if that was the case, he didn’t want to. “I just want to go to our room.”

\---

“You sure? It's a one time offer. I was starting to get worked up over the idea of watching you…” He smirked up to him, not wanting him to feel pressured in either direction. It would be fun to see just once, but he liked the view just fine when he was the one being serviced.

\---

“I’m sure. I’m yours and I don’t want anyone else.” He’d told him this before and he was pleased with the opportunity to reaffirm this. “I’m sure we can make it up to her somehow.” He tugged him towards their room, though he knew they were going to have to stop by Isabela’s room to let her know.

\---

He let Anders pull him along, fine with going to their own room. He was glad he hadn't had much more to drink - as it was, he was feeling great and he still felt he was just coordinated enough to show his boyfriend a really good time.

\---

When they reached their door, he let go. “Go make yourself comfortable - I’ll let her know.” He made his way further down the hall to the pirate’s door, knocking on it and waiting for her to answer.

\---

Isabela answered the door wearing only her tunic, hanging loosely over her curves. “I'm ready…” She purred to him, taking hold of his fancy new robes and tugging him into her room.

\---

Anders wasn’t expecting the pull and he stumbled, but he was quick to find his footing and stop. “Uh, actually, Isabela… I know you made a bet with Varric, but… he’ll work out another way to repay you.” He was sure she’d be disappointed, but he didn’t think she’d actually kick up a fuss.

\---

“He’s never gone back on a bet. That’s just bad sportsmanship.” She ran her fingers down his chest, a wicked smirk on her lips. “He let you enjoy me not all that long ago, surely he’d let us play for just a little while…”

\---

“He would, but as fun as it would be, I’d rather not do this kind of thing with anyone but him.” He was Varric’s and he kind of liked that he was possessive. It was all the sexier that he was willing to entertain exceptions and not treat him like an actual possession. “Sorry, ‘Bela, like I said, he’ll make it up to you.”

\---

She sighed and released him to put her hands on her hips. “He owes me. Big time. You tell him that for me, Handsome.” She turned to re-dress herself. She had some hunting to do if she wasn’t going to get her rocks off with her Wicked Grace winnings.

\---

“I’ll let him know.” Knowing that nothing would happen, he couldn’t resist giving her a playful, flirty wink. “See you later.” He stepped out of her room and made his way to his own, shutting and locking the door behind him.

\---

Varric had kicked off his boots and untied his sash, sitting on the bed as he watched his mage come in. “Well, how did she take the news?” He doubted she was all that upset, but he was sure that she let him know she was displeased.

\---

“You owe her. Big time.” He gave him a little smirk, but rather than go straight to him, he made his way to the bathroom, pulling off his robes as he did so. He flipped them inside out and frowned at the cum soaking into the fabric. “Andraste’s tits,” he grumbled to himself, grabbing a rag and wetting it so he could try to remove the stain.

\---

“I do. I’ll have to come up with something to do for her.” Varric had no idea what he’d do. Nothing could compare to his mage’s mouth, after all. But he’d come up with something. He stripped the rest of the way down and laid back on the bed, stretching to enjoy the fine linen and fur.

\---

He did the best he could and then hung them to dry. When the returned to the room, he was completely bare, but was somehow surprised to find the dwarf the same. He smiled and moved to crawl onto the bed and over him. “I’m yours and you’re mine.” He was looking at him fondly as his eyes flicked over his face.

\---

He looked up to Anders with a soft smile, running his fingers over his sides. “That’s right. Tonight you were my good luck charm.” Hardly, he’d have probably played much better without the distraction. But he’d had fun and he’s still made a good profit off of the other players.

\---

He captured one of his hands and pulled it up between them, making a show of looking it over. “Was I? If you’re mine, does that mean all of you?” He toyed with his fingers. “Are these mine?”

\---

“All of me. Those are yours.” He coiled his fingers around Anders’ to grip them. “And that means these are mine too. They were good to me at the table.”

\---

He smiled, pulling his hands up and pressing a kiss to each of his knuckles. He then used his grip to force them up and above his head, stretching his arms as far as they would go as he pinned them to the bed. He leaned over him and brushed their noses together. “Is this mine?”

\---

He was a little surprised to find his hands pinned over his head, a smirk on his lips. He began to perk a little and it amused him that these antics were enough to get him going again. “All yours, Blondie.”

\---

He hummed. “What about these?” He leaned in and gave him a brief kiss, then pulled back enough that Varric couldn’t return it if he wanted to, though close enough that if he tried, there would be only a breath of air between them.

\---

He did try to answer his kiss and he chuckled when he found himself just shy of his lips. “Those too. They can’t do some of the fun things your lips can. But they’re yours anyway.”

\---

He smiled, well aware of the building intensity of this intimate moment. He met his gaze, affection in his eyes, then out of nowhere, he grinned and let go of his hands so he could grab his ears and wiggle them, his expression silly. “What about these? Are these mine?” he laughed, being a little rough for the sake of play.

\---

He laughed, surprised by the play and moving his hands back to his sides. “You know it. Your ears can probably do more fun things than mine too, but you can have my ears. Gold and all.”

\---

He snickered a little longer, but he went back to considering them. Then he reached for one of the hoops in Varric’s ear and undid the clasp, pulling it free. He looked down at it and then he reached for his own earring, pulling it off and then pushing it into Varric’s ear. He clasped it and then brought Varric’s earring up and settled it on his own ear. It was heavier than his earring, being thicker than his, and on Varric’s ear, his own stood out among the ones already there, but he liked having it there.

\---

“You’re mine and I am yours.” He felt the changing of their earrings was rather symbolic of that. He liked the feel of Anders’, as much as he liked the thick gold of his own. He reached up to touch the gold in Anders’ ear. “Looks good on you.”

\---

“Now you can never get rid of me, not if you want your earring back.” Even though there was something sweet to this, he couldn’t help but spoil the seriousness. “Take good care of it, will you? The Hero of Ferelden gave it to me. That’s a relic right there.”

\---

“That’s a pretty special earring. You sure you can trust me with it?” His own earring didn’t have any sentimental value, not like Anders’. “Though I guess you’re already trusting me with your heart. If you can trust me with that, I’ve earned your trust with everything.” It meant a lot that Anders could trust at all after all he’d been through.

\---

“I trust you,” he confirmed, hand raising to stroke his jaw. It said something that he so readily trusted him and it meant that he had a lot of power of him. It would be so easy for Varric to break him irreparably, but he knew that he never would. “I love you.” He loved everything about him. His fingers, his nose, his lips.

He was so lucky.

\---

“I love you too.” He leaned up to steal the kiss he’d tried to take earlier when his hands were pinned. “I love you and all the parts of you that are mine.” Which as far as he knew, were all of them.


	53. Chapter 53

The next day they had made plans to go out into the market and shops of the city. Anders wanted him to have some proper Orlesian fashion to match his new robes and Varric never minded doing a little shopping for the sake of vanity. Of course, he had plans for his mage as well. He hadn’t decided just what he wanted to get him, only that he needed to find some way to spoil him while they were out together.  

“Let’s check this place out, Blondie.” It was a shop displaying fine clothing in its windows, far more colorful and silky than anything one would find for sale in Kirkwall. It wasn’t exactly his style, but he felt he could pull it off here.

\---

He didn’t hesitate, basically dragging Varric into the store, despite it being his suggestion. He let go of his arm so he could look at the varying displays and as he pulled open a folded tunic, he sighed. “Seems like they don’t get many dwarves around here.” A lot of the stuff he’d seen seemed to be sized for humans. “Whatever we get you will have to be tailored, or perhaps made from scratch entirely.”

\---

“Everything I wear is custom tailored. Even if they make things for dwarves, I don’t like the idea of anyone having the same outfit.” It was doubtful they could make it look better than he did, but why take the chance? He gravitated toward a dark blue tunic, sampling the fabric with his fingers and trying to decide whether or not it was his color. “Anything catch your eye?”

\---

“I suppose that makes sense.” In that case, maybe it would be better just to find fabrics and take them somewhere to be made into whatever they wished. Still, he looked around. “Oh, I don’t know…” It was but a moment later that his eye caught what looked to be a thick golden fabric, textured with floral designs that wove together intricately. “What about this?” He pulled it open. It was a jacket and as before, it was clearly made for a human, but with some adjustments, who knew?

Opening revealed that the lining looked to be a black silken material and the lapels, cuffs, fluting, and fastenings also appeared to be black to match.

\---

“You’ve got nice taste.” Very nice taste. Varric looked enamored with the jacket as he moved to him, unable to resist running his fingers over the fabric. “And I would look good with your robes.” He held the fabric near the gold detailing in Anders’ robes. They looked nice beside each other, but he had a feeling he was going to need to have golden robes made for his mage. He wanted to see him all in the color of his favorite metal.

\---

He beamed to have found something that Varric favored. He thought it was rather nice himself. “Well, since _you_ can’t try it on…” He slipped his arms through the sleeves and pulled it on, clutching at the fastenings on either side and smiling. “What do you think? A black tunic to go with it? Oh, that would look so sexy.”

\---

His brows raised and he moved to help Anders straighten the jacket once he had it on. “It looks good on _you_. Maybe I’ll have it tailored for you instead.” He knew his lover would prefer it as a robe, but he liked the look of a jacket on him as well.

\---

“Oh no, no, this is for you.” To prove this, he quickly pulled it back off and pushed it into his arms. “We just have to make it so it fits.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Let’s find a black tunic.”

\---

He smirked into his kiss, then nodded. “I’m sure we can find one of those.” He’d have them both tailored to fit him. If Anders was going to insist that he have them, he’d just have a robe made for him that would go with this outfit. He was already imagining how he wanted it designed as he followed Anders over to the tunics to find one that would be the right style for him. Open-chested, of course.

\---

With a color isolated, it didn’t take much effort to find a nice black tunic with golden embellishments. “A leather belt, I think.” A nice thick one. He liked the dwarf’s sash, but the outfit they were creating deserved a thick leather belt. Leather trousers too. Leather boots. He bit his lip. “Let’s find a leathersmith.”

\---

“Dressing me in leather now?” Varric chuckled and took the tunic to go with the jacket. “Let me arrange to have these tailored first. Then we’ll go find a leathersmith.” And of course he’d need to order the new robes for Anders while he was at it before they left.

\---

“Watch, we’ve found these here, but the next shop we go to, we’ll find something even better.” He chuckled. Then they would just have to buy whatever else they found too. He thought the dwarf should come away with more than one outfit, especially since it would be a long time before they came back to Orlais. If they left at all, at least.

\---

“Probably so. A little extra clothing never killed a man.” They’d both probably have a few new outfits being tailored by the end of the day. He went back with the shopkeeper to be measured and fortunately he remembered Anders’ measurements from the first robe he’d had made so he was able to be fairly discrete in giving them to the man and describing the design he wanted. He returned to his mage then, looking up to him with a smile. “Off to find us some leather?”

\---

He took his hand and locked their fingers together. “Off we go,” he agreed, walking with him out of the store. They didn’t make it but a few storefronts when a display in a window brought him to pause. It had all kinds of baubles and he couldn’t help but be curious. “Want to look?” he asked, obviously wanting to himself.

\---

“Why not?” He never turned down looking at shiny things. Besides, he wanted to decorate his mage. He tugged him inside the shop and took him to the display that glittered the most. He didn’t doubt he’d find something he needed among the baubles there.

\---

It wasn’t exactly a store that carried many jewels or jewelry, but there were things here and there. Of course, Varric brought him straight to where there _was_ jewelry, but it was a small display and it was encased in glass. “Wow, I think that would look nice on you.” He pointed to a small hair pin shaped as a bird, clearly meant to rest at the top of bound hair.

               

\---

“I never thought about getting a jeweled hair pin. Maybe I should - people look at the top of my head a lot.” He chuckled and looked over the rest of what was in the case. His eyes fell on a ring with jewels of a vibrant blue. “I think you might need that ring, Blondie.”

\---

He looked at the ring and though it was lovely, “No, we’re shopping for _you_.” He already got him the incredible robes he was wearing now - robes that had caught eyes as they walked through the streets. He’d seen a few heads turn his way and it felt like he was young again. Like he’d just escaped the Circle. “Besides, I’m a healer. I have to keep my hands clean at all times.”

\---

“We’re shopping for things I want. Which is also stuff for you.” He insisted, though he moved away from the ring with a chuckle. “Fine, we’ll keep your hands free. I’ll only decorate you from the wrists up.”

\---

“You don’t want to try the pin?” He moved after him, reaching for where his hair was pulled up and giving it a tug. “How would you feel about a cloak?” His hands moved to his shoulders and he squeezed them, chuckling.

\---

“I do, I just wanted to see what else I want out of the case before I have them come open it.” He liked Anders’ hands on him, both in his hair and then on his shoulders. “I usually hide in plain sight instead of using a cloak for my business. But if we can find a sexy cloak anywhere, it would be in Orlais.”

\---

“How about one that drapes over one shoulder?” He gave the top of his head a kiss and then his attention was drawn to some crystal decorations. Meant to hang in a window and reflect the light from outside. He moved closer to them and toyed with one of them, a floating teardrop cut with hundreds of facets.

“There must be a baker nearby,” he commented, his eyes moving on, the scent of something fresh wafting into the store.

\---

“We can try one on.” He’d try out a cloak and see if he liked it. He found a small silver statue of a cat, its eyes and the pattern of its coat made up of small gems. “Maybe that will be our next stop. No need to be hungry while we shop.”

\---

That sounded good to him. He moved on to what looked to be blown glass, finding this shop intriguing. It seemed they had a little bit of everything, didn’t they? All kinds of baubles. As he looked, though, he found nothing he liked better than the hair pin and he ended up wandering back over to it, getting the attention of the shopkeeper and asking if he could see it. As soon as he had his hands on it, he made his way to the dwarf and slid it into his hair.

“Perfect!”

\---

Varric was still carrying the jeweled cat when Anders slid the pin into his hair. He smiled up to him, certain the shopkeeper would bring a looking glass so he could see it for himself. “Does it suit me?” It was a lovely pin, he was sure it would look good in anyone's hair, but he wanted to hear what Anders thought since he already sounded so enthused about it.

\---

“Yes, it was made for you.” It did look nice on him and somehow, he thought it fitting. “Were you any other dwarf, I would suggest a nug, but I think a bird in flight suits you.” A dwarf that had no interest in rocks. Better that he fly. Sure enough, the shopkeeper appeared with a hand held mirror, offering it to the dwarf so he could see for himself.

\---

Varric looked at the pin in his hair and couldn't agree more. A perfect pin for him. “We'll take it.” He said without hesitating and slipped the statuette into the shopkeeper’s hand as well. They couldn't just walk out without something for his mage as well.

\---

Anders saw the exchange and he looked closer, realizing what Varric was trying to do. A cat obviously wasn’t for himself. “Varric, today is for you. I mean it.” He nudged him. “It’s not my coin, but let me spoil you.”

—

“I'm bad at letting other people spoil me.” He gave him a sheepish little smirk and shrugged. “You like the cat, don't you? It won't cost as much as the gold pin so it's not really spoiling you…”

\---

He looked at the cat. It was cute. “No, I hate it.” This was said lightly, a little smile on his lips. “You can buy me a tart at the baker, if you like.” It would be better use of his coin.

\---

“Fine, fine. But you're not getting through this entire day without _something_ from me.” He didn't need to know that the robes were already in the works. He paid for only the hair pin, then lead Anders out toward the bakery with the new gold glistening in his hair.

\---

“I know what I’d like from you,” he smirked, taking his hand against so he could swing them together. When they stepped into the shop, it smelled even more incredible and he walked over to where there were baskets of baked goods piled up. “Oh, doesn’t that look good?” He pointed out what looked to be a pecan tart.

\---

“It does…” Varric gravitated toward a large pastry that seemed to be filled with chocolate. He wanted a little of both. “Will you give me a bite of your tart if I give you a bite of that chocolate monstrosity?”

\---

“ _Of course_.” He’d share whatever he wanted with him. He plucked up the tart and carried it over to the counter. “Maybe some morning we can buy something for Isabela. Surprise her.”

\---

“It hardly compares to what she wanted from you last night. But it would be a good start.” He smiled as he took his pastry to the counter and paid for both. “Let's sit down to eat.” He had a bad feeling he'd have chocolate all over himself if he tried to keep shopping while he ate it.

\---

He went out of the shop to a little bench in front so they could sit and enjoy the sun. “I’m surprise she hasn’t tried to get into _your_ pants with a bet.” He knew she wanted to sleep with the dwarf, just as she wanted to sleep with everyone he’d known in Kirkwall. “You’re a much better prize.”

\---

“Oh, she's tried, I just never agreed. I wouldn't break my rules about not sleeping with someone I was going to see again, not even for a bet.” He settled beside him and took a big bite of his pastry. It was so rich on the inside and buttery on the outside - they'd definitely be coming back to this bakery. “I'm a great prize, but I can't do the things you can with your mouth.”

\---

He took a bite of his own pastry and hummed. It was so good. “Maybe not, but I’m sure you could come close.” He leaned into him, offering him a bite of the tart. “Perhaps later we could practice?” He’d love to feel the dwarf’s mouth on him - it was something that had never been offered and something that he’d never asked.

\---

“I know I can come close to it for a woman.” He leaned to take a bite of the tart and hummed his approval as well. He offered his pastry for the mage to taste in return. “It probably wouldn't be all you'd hope for. I've never tried it on a man.” He’d never wanted to. But for Anders, he would try if he wanted it.

\---

Anders took a bite of Varric’s in return and when a little chocolate smeared on his lip, he wiped it off with a finger and then sucked it clean. “All the better to practice.” Only if Varric wanted, but he did want it himself. “I prefer it on a man.” He loved licking women, but there was something so satisfying about having his mouth violated.

\---          

“Let me help you with that.” He kissed him briefly and ran his tongue subtly over his lip, though it looked like Anders had gotten it all already. “I'm lucky to be your preference. I'll see if I'm any good at it tonight.”

\---

He smiled. “You’ve a silver tongue. Surely it’s good for more than just talk.” He finished up his tart and when he was done, he stole another kiss and then tugged him up so they could continue along. There were so many more shops to visit and he wanted to make sure they got everything they needed before tonight.

\-----

The rest of the shopping trip was as fun for them both as the beginning. After ordering pants for his outfit and a cloak, they managed to come with boots and a belt, as well as jewelry for each other them. Anders had chosen a new necklace for him that he wore with his old one - they paired nicely and his hand kept wandering to feel them both together. Varric had in turn chosen a bangle for Anders - a thick braid of gold that the mage fussed about until the purchase was made, but ever since he’d caught him stealing glances at it on the walk back to the inn.

Varric expected Isabela to be waiting on them, ready for drinks and a game or some sort of entertainment. But the pirate was nowhere to be found and that was fine with him. They’d had plenty of togetherness lately and he was glad for a day alone with his man. After setting their new things aside and having some dinner, Varric suggested they have a bath together. He settled beside Anders while they soaked together, sighing in contentment. “Have fun today, Blondie?”

\---

“I did.” He’d had a lot of fun. It’d been a long time since he’d wandered through shops and longer still since he’d been able to purchase whatever he liked. Really, he’d never been able to do that, and though all of his ‘purchases’ had been for Varric, he’d enjoyed setting his eyes on something and by his will, walking out with it.

He’d been all smiles and laughs and as the day when on, enthusiasm. “Did you? Or perhaps you rather regret coming here with me.” This was said with a teasing smile.

\---

“I definitely regret it. I've had a miserable time.” He said with a dramatic sigh. He stretched his legs in the tub, so comfortable in the warmth of the water. “This bath is pretty awful too. Why do I let you talk me into these things?” Though he kept a straight face, his eyes were smiling.

\---

“Well, by all means, take the next ship back to Kirkwall without me.” He wrapped his arms around his side. “Don’t let me keep you where you don’t want to be.” He pressed kisses to his shoulder. “Unless, of course, you love me and that’s why you allow yourself to suffer so.”

\---

“I love you enough to endure a little more suffering.” He leaned into him and tipped his head to offer more skin for him to kiss. “I might even suffer another trip to that bakery tomorrow morning for breakfast.”

\---

He continued to kiss him. “I don’t know if I believe you. You should tell me why you love me or I’m afraid I’ll never be convinced.” He loved hearing Varric say that he loved him, to be reminded that he had his heart. It still seemed impossible to him, even though he had every confirmation.

\---

“You don't have to be convinced now. It'll be fun to find little ways to convince you every day.” He smiled and ran his fingers through the mage's hair as his skin was treated with kisses. “You make it easy to love you.”

\---

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I think you’re crazy.” He’d have to be to decide that of everyone he could have, he was the one he wanted. He’d thought the same of Hawke, had been so thankful that he set his eyes on him and he felt the same with Varric. Except perhaps a little more uncertain as to what he saw in him and a little more grateful.

\---

“I'm a lot of things. Handsome, primarily. But not crazy.” He took one of his hands, lacing their fingers. “I could go on about your eyes or your lips or your hair like I often do. Or go a little deeper and talk about what a kind and resilient soul you are. But the reality of it is, I never thought I would be able to love someone again. I thought the scars were too deep and I'd never be willing to expose myself to potential hurt like that for any other person in my lifetime. But you've made it so damn easy to love you…”

\---

“Then you _are_ crazy.” He’d melted completely, though, and he pulled him in for a kiss. “I’ll never hurt you.” He didn’t know what that bitch had done to him, but he would never cause him that kind of pain or any kind of pain. “You’re safe with me.” Just like he was with Varric.

\---

“I feel a lot safer with you than I ever did with her.” He hoped Anders felt the same way. That there was security in this that there hadn't been with Hawke. He stole a kiss for himself, letting it linger and savoring the taste of his lips.

\---

He smiled into the kiss, his fingers tracing his skin beneath the water. “That’s because we’re meant to be, you and me.” He didn’t understand why the Maker had done it this way, but he’d put them together in the end. It seemed so senseless, but there must’ve been a reason for it. Perhaps he’d endured the abuse so that no one else would have to and now he was given this to make up for it. He reached for a rag so he could begin to wash him, wanting to continue spoiling him while there was still time in the day.

\---

The dwarf didn't protest - he was getting very spoiled to Anders taking care of him. “You already mended my heart once. I should have known you were the person I should give it to.” That seemed like so long ago, but he was glad to have Anders with him and away from Hawke that night. He wouldn't be surprised if his heart had built up some excess pressure again after all the stress of getting rid of Hawke, but he felt that at least most of the fluttering in his chest lately was genuine love for the mage beside him.

\---

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Stop it. You’re going to make me melt into the water and I’ll be gone.” It was so sweet and truthfully, it was so reassuring. “Come, let me finish cleaning you up.” He tugged him to rest between his legs so he could wash him throughly, pressing frequent kisses the crown of his head.

\---

“I need to be more careful. I can't have you melting on me all the time.” He was happy to settle and be scrubbed clean, his hands absently stroking his thighs while he worked. “Keep spoiling me and I might melt with you.”

\---

“Oh no, you don’t know what melting is. You’ll never out-melt me, but that won’t stop me from trying.” He hadn’t really done anything truly romantic for him, but he intended on it. He gave him words of affection and adoration, but he really hadn’t had a chance to do anything in the form of gestures. What he had done were little things that were to be expected.

\---

“That sounds like a challenge.” He smirked but his eyes had closed. He was so relaxed beneath the gentle, soothing strokes of the cloth on his skin. “You know I’m a _bit_ competitive. I might just have to out-melt you now.”

\---

He snickered. “I’m not entirely sure how that’s possible, unless you pretend my attempts at wooing you are better than yours.” He smirked and lifted a dripping hand out of the water to pull his chin back to give his cheek a kiss. “For now, I’ll just continue to give you baths and blowjobs.”

\---

He chuckled when he was kissed, keeping his head tipped back for him. “I guess that means I win either way. Either my melting is better or my wooing is better.” The same could be said for Anders, of course. “You’ll hear no complaints from me. I love baths and blowjobs.”

\---

“I suppose you know what’s coming next then.” They’d talked about Varric blowing him tonight, but really, right now he was more interested in being the one doing the blowing. They could always practice some other time.

\---

“If you intend to keep spoiling me tonight, then yes.” He knew he should offer, after what they’d discussed that afternoon. He was willing, but a little anxious about trying it and didn’t want to ruin the flirty mood of the day with it. If Anders was wanting to treat him to it, then he’d happily accept.

\---

“I intend exactly that.” They had to finish cleaning up first, so he moved on to washing his hair, treating him to a massage with his fingers as he worked soap into his locks. “I intend on spoiling you all night.”


	54. Chapter 54

When Anders woke the next morning, he saw that his dwarf was still sleeping beside him. Still snoring. He smiled and watched him for a while, but when it occurred to him that he had an opportunity to do something for him, he was quick to sneak out of bed and dress. He slipped out of their room and, hesitating, make his way to Isabela’s room. Might as well invite her along, though he doubted she’d be up for some hours. He tapped on the door, loud enough to get her attention if she was awake, but not loud enough to wake her if she was not.

\---

Isabela was fully dressed when she answered the door, never a certainty when someone knocked late night or early morning. She looked relieved to see him, but the relief was wiped from her face when a man came up behind her and put his arms around her, clearly intending a possessive gesture when he realized there was another man at the door. Isabela wrinkled her nose up and and stepped out of his hold. “See, I told you I had somewhere to be. Run along, Silas. Maybe we’ll run into each other again sometime.”

“But the morning is still so young…” The man pleaded with her, his accent thick and his displeasure at the sight of Anders written all over his face.

\---

Anders was amused. “Come on, Beautiful, you’re mine this morning.” It was, of course, a play on the nickname she’d christened him with, but he thought this was hilarious. It’d been tempting to say nothing at all, to excuse himself and say he hadn’t known she was busy and leave her to her fate, but he decided to be kind and rescue her.

\---

The pirate linked her arm with Anders’, making a show of pressing herself to his side and kissing his cheek. “Bye, Silas.” She watched as the man gave her a wounded look, but finally bid her farewell and gave Anders a dirty look on his way out. When he was down the stairs and on his way, Isabela sighed and released Anders to close up her room and lock it. “Wow, the locals are clingy. I should have remembered that from my last visit.”

\---

“Well, if you ever need an escape route, I’m sure Varric is as willing to assist as I am.” He waited until she was done locking her room to start walking away from it, expecting her to fall in step with him. “Or you could, you know, give one of them a chance. You might end up liking the clinginess.”

\---

“Oh, no. I need a clingy lover like I need an asshole on my elbow. I’ll just let you and Varric rescue me from these suitors and their _feelings_.” She joined him and slid her arm around his as she had when she first saw him. “So, where are we off to, Handsome?”

\---

He snorted. “You have a way with words.” He walked her down the stairs and out the door. “We’re getting breakfast for Varric. And us, I suppose.” But it was mostly for Varric. “We came across this bakery yesterday. I thought we’d pick up some stuff for him and surprise him.”

\---

“Who says the dwarf is the only wordsmith around here?” She wouldn’t have expected him to bring her along to collect breakfast, but she didn’t mind the idea at all. As irritating as her guest was that morning, he’d been a lot of fun the night before and she was hungry after a workout like that. “I can’t remember the last time I got breakfast fresh from a bakery.” She sounded enthused, used to whatever the innkeepers threw together for breakfast.

\---

“He is quite the wordsmith.” He was thinking about what he’d said the night before and his heart picked up even now. “We’ll bring him a feast.” Or at least plenty of pastries to choose from and perhaps some milk to wash it all down. As they walked, he looked at the people around them, a force of habit, and while it was still early enough that there were only some out here and there, there was one person in particular that he spotted that made him stop. Made him pale.

Without a word, he darted away from her and into an alley, panic filling him. For no reason, as even a brief look had proven that the man with the dark hair and beard wasn’t who he thought it was, and still he reacted without thought, pressing himself to the side of the building and taking in short, struggled breaths.

\---

Isabela tensed at his sudden retreat, her hands moving to the hilts of her blades. But as her eyes scanned the crowd, she found no one that looked like an immediate threat. She backed her way into the alley, not willing to turn her back on whatever danger lurked in the crowd, moving swiftly and silently toward the sound of Anders’ panicked breaths. “What did you see? I'll take care of it…”

\---

He shook his head, trying to calm down, but having little success. “I thought- I thought I saw Hawke.” He shuddered, the very thought terrifying him. “It wasn’t.” He knew it wasn’t, but still he was freaked out and his hands were shaking as he failed to relax.

\---

It definitely wasn't. She would have spotted Hawke in a heartbeat. She eased a little and turned her attention to calming him, giving his arm a gentle stroke of her fingers. “He's safe behind bars. Varric and I will never let him hurt you again…”

\---

He nodded, but took a while for him to catch his breath and even then, he was still shaking. “I’m okay.” He pushed off the wall and busied himself with straightening his robes. “I’ll be okay.” He knew it wouldn’t be long before Varric woke and he didn’t want to worry him, so he wanted to be getting back. “Let’s go, we’re almost there.”

\---

“We have to get breakfast before your dwarf stops snoring.” She said with an encouraging smile, linking her arm in his once more and starting to lead him back up the alley. “We must be close, I'm starting to smell fresh bread.”

\---

He walked closer with her and kept his arm tight around hers. He was a lot more paranoid and his eyes darted around at everyone in sight. The man with the beard was gone. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse, but it didn’t matter and soon they were in the bakery.

There Anders had something to focus on and he picked out a plethora of goods. Enough that he filled up a box that would last them for days. He had a coin purse with him, filled with coins given to him, and he used them to pay - he’d accepted the coins, but he hadn’t intended on using them, but since this was for Varric, he didn’t mind.

\---

Isabela chose a few things for herself as well, tossing them into the box before Anders had paid. She wouldn't have wanted the mage to buy her breakfast, but she knew it was Varric's money and he owed her. “Thanks for breakfast, Handsome.” She kissed his cheek as she started to lead him back toward the inn, staying close against his side.

\---

“Thank Varric, it’s his coin. I wish it was mine, but I’m stuck treating him with his own money.” Oh well. It was the thought that counted, right? The trip back was simpler and he was even able to get the milk he wanted.  When they reached the door, he opened it for them, inviting her in. If he was still sleeping, the dwarf would be naked, but covered by a blanket and so he wasn’t worried about his decency.

“Breakfast!” he announced, carrying the box over to the bed and setting it down.

\---

Varric grumbled and rolled to his side away from them, thoroughly enjoying sleeping in. But the smell of the pastries helped to rouse him and he finally opened his eyes, looking over his shoulder at them groggily. “Did you go back to the bakery?” He doubted the inn had anything that smelled that good. He flopped onto his back again, not seeming to mind the blanket being all that covered him with Isabela in the room. She'd walked in on him countless times in various stages of undress.

\---

He smiled, still looking a little rattled from what had happened, but less so while he was with Varric and Varric was being so cute. “I did. I thought I’d bring you breakfast in bed.” He pulled the box in and plopped it on his chest, opening it up so he could see everything that was laying inside. “You get first choice.” Even though Isabela had picked some things out for herself - she could deal if Varric chose one of hers.

\---

“That was a good thought to have, Blondie.” He was still only half awake, but the box smelled amazing and he plucked up a tart stuffed with blueberry, taking a bite without bothering to sit up. “This your idea too, Rivaini?”

“Nah, your mage picked me up on his way out. He needed a little arm candy for the road, that's all.” The pirate moved to the box to pick out one of her own, not wanting it to get snatched up by the dwarf.

\---

“We brought some fresh milk too. Goat’s milk.” He got up so he could pour them all a glass and brought it to them. Then he reached for a pastry of his own, taking a bite of it. He hummed in satisfaction and followed it with a drink. He was watching Varric the entire time, relaxing more and more.

“Isn’t he cute in the morning?”

\---

“If you call a hairy, snoring dwarf cute, I guess.” Isabela smirked between bites of her pastry.

“Sure he does. It's all part of my charm.” The milk was perfect to go with the pastries and he finally sat up to enjoy it, letting the blanket pool around his waist and setting the box on the bed so everyone would have an easier time reaching it.

\---

“You wish he was your hairy, snoring dwarf.” He knew Isabela wouldn’t consider a relationship with anyone, even Varric, but would bet that if she was willing to give it a shot, it wouldn’t take her long to get attached. It hadn’t taken him long at all to get attached to him. “So, what’s the plan today? We have to pick up the rest of your outfit and then what?”

\---

“I do, but only for a night.” Isabela said with a snicker. Really, she liked him enough that she'd probably have him for a handful of nights. But certainly no longer than that.

“We could check out what's going on in town. We have to find what to wear for that masquerade advertised in the tavern.” Varric didn't want to miss a party like that.

\---

“Surely we can just get some masks to match our outfits?” He already had stunning robes to wear, he just needed a mask to match. Same could be said for Varric’s outfit. Sure, they could buy something new, something even more ostentatious, but he didn’t want to blow _all_ of Varric’s coin while they were here.

\---

“Oh no. These parties are over the top. You can't just wear fancy clothes.” Isabela sounded appalled at the idea. “In fact, I'm buying your outfit for it. It has to be a show-stopper and I think we could surprise your dwarf with something fun.” She looked to Varric to see if he'd protest, but he looked intrigued.

\---

“So you’ll be gluing gems to your chest and calling it a day then, I assume?” he asked her, lifting a brow. He wasn’t going to protest if this was something they both wanted. It would be fun to go to a ridiculous party and participate in the ridiculousness.

\---

“And compromise my modesty? Never.” She couldn’t keep a straight face but it hid quickly with a bite of her breakfast. “No, I’ll find something pretty for us both. Varric will be on his own to find something impressive.”

“I can manage.” Especially if she was going to challenge him. But mostly, Varric just wanted to see how she would dress Anders.

\---

“I’d say that we should meet at the party and see who can find the other first, but I imagine you’ll be pretty easy to spot.” He didn’t often tease Varric about his height, but there was no reason why he couldn’t give him a hard time.

\---

“It would hardly be a challenge for you two. Even if I wasn’t the shortest man at the party, you know I’m going to be the star of the show. I’ll have the crowd eating out of my hands.” Varric at least liked to think so. He was always good at entertaining Kirkwall crowds, at least.

\---

He grinned. “I’m sure you will.” He finished off his pastry and grabbed another, this time a fruity variety, since the last he’d grabbed had been covered in chocolate. “Then why don’t we see if you can’t find me?” He’d find that amusing, thinking he’d be able to do a decent job of blending in as long as he had a mask.

\---

“That would be a lot harder. But I’m up for the challenge. I’ll just find the sexiest man in the room.” It was a ballsy thing to say, since Anders might see him approach someone else first in his attempts to find him. But he was confident he could spot Anders even if he was masked.

\---

“Oh, so I’ll find you near a mirror then, I take it.” He smirked and leaned in to give him a kiss. “When’s this party again? Do we need to pick up stuff today or can it wait?” He wasn’t sure if the plan was to prepare themselves for the masquerade today or if it was simply something they needed to do sometime this week.

\---

“I meant besides me, of course.” He smiled after the kiss he got, then looked to Isabela for the answer to his question. “It’s at the end of the week, so we’ve got a little time to have things made for us if we don’t find something perfect.” Isabela was studying Anders closely, dressing him with her eyes rather than undressing him for a change.

\---

“Why don’t we go shopping tomorrow, then? Since Varric and I spent all yesterday shopping.” There was no need for a repeat of the same thing so soon. “I was thinking perhaps we could just go for a walk? Get out of town?” He imagined that was something that Isabela had no interest in and really, he didn’t want to spend too much time away from the city himself, but some more time alone with Varric would be welcome.

\---

“We can shop tomorrow. I’ll pass on the walk though. It’s much easier for me to find trouble in town.” Where there was trouble, there was often money, and Isabela planned to spend plenty of that on the masquerade, so it wouldn’t hurt to use the day to make a little money.

“That’s fine. Blondie and I will go see if we can’t find some trouble out in the fresh air.” Really he wasn’t up for any trouble. He wanted a nice, quiet day with Anders much like the day they’d had before. He knew he probably shouldn’t keep gorging himself if they were going for a walk, but he poured himself another glass of milk anyway. It was too good to stop just yet.

\---

He smiled and finished off his own breakfast. He was looking forward to the day ahead, but right now he was just content to sit the three of them and enjoy the morning. The thoughts of the man with the beard were long behind him and he was feeling perfectly at peace.


	55. Chapter 55

The next day Isabela wasn't as early to rise, but it was still well before noon that she went to the boys’ room and collected Anders. She was eager to get him out on the town and she knew Varric would take full advantage of some time alone to spoil the mage.

As they began to wander the shops, she looked up at him to study him. “So, should we find an outfit first and then choose a mask to go with it? Or the other way around?”

\---

Anders’ mind was elsewhere as they walked. The previous day had been so nice. They’d picked up Varric’s things, they’d taken it all back so Varric could dress, they’d fucked with Varric fully clothed, and then they’d spent the day walking around. It’d been quiet, but nice. He already missed him and they’d just parted with a kiss - he was becoming so attached to him.

He snapped out of his thoughts and when what Isabela asked registered, he tipped his head side to side as he considered. “I suppose mask first. It’ll probably be harder to find a mask that fits an outfit than an outfit that fits a mask.”

\---

“Agreed.” She didn't mind either way, but it would probably be easiest to start with masks. It wasn't at all hard to find shops for them but she tugged him toward one of the fanciest ones she spotted. The entire room gleamed with masks of all colors and she found herself smiling as she looked around to take all of them in. There was something thrilling about tossing an identity aside and being someone else for a night with the help of a mask.

\---

He broke from her to look around as well. There were all kinds of mask that covered different parts of the face, but if he was going to trick Varric, he was going to have to find something that covered his entire face, wasn’t he? It would be annoying to eat or drink in, though, and so as he eyed them, he was indecisive.

Perhaps leaving his mouth exposed wouldn’t be too much of a give away.

\---

Isabela favored the ones that would leave the lower half of her face bare. There were some that were quite feline and feminine, which she really liked, but her eyes kept wandering back to a gilded red mask that almost appeared to be feathered. She tried it on, studying herself in one of the room's many mirrors and decided it complemented the shape of her eyes as well.

\---

Anders found one that was mounted with actual feathers and his interested was perked until he realized that would be too obvious and, mournfully, he moved away. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for and he ended up trying on a few that he dismissed as soon as he saw himself. He paused, however, on a pure white mask that looked simple at a glance, but that closer inspection revealed all kinds of swirling detail came together to create the mask itself. Subtle, but beautiful.

He slipped it on and considered himself. It only covered his eyes and his nose, but perhaps that would be enough.

\---

Isabela was still wearing hers when she moved closer to see what Anders was trying on this time. He seemed to be considering this one more than the others. “That one really suits you, Handsome.”

\---

He looked over at her and smiled when he saw the one that she’d chosen for herself. “So does yours.” He looked back at himself and nodded. “It should be pretty easy to find something that’ll go with this.” It could go with anything, potentially, though it would probably be better to incorporate some white into whatever he wore.

\---

“Oh, definitely. I can work with this.” Her own mask while be a little trickier, but that was fine. She was a little more excited to dress Anders up than herself. She pulled off her mask and checked the price before extending a hand to take Anders’ from him. “We’ll get these and then I get to dress you. You're going to make Varric's mouth water.”

\---

“That is if he even recognizes me.” He took off the mask and handed it to her. While she paid, he mused aloud. “I wonder if we could’ve made his mouth water before.” Before all of this. Before they started losing themselves in each other’s bodies. Would Varric have had a hard time keeping his eyes off him then?

\---

“He won't have to recognize you. You'll catch his eye and he'll feel guilty for the boner you give him until he's sure it's you.” She smirked when she rejoined him after paying, taking him by the arm to drag him to the next shop.

\---

He snorted softly. “I think you forget - Varric’s more into women. He’ll be too busy staring at you.” He gave her a nudge as they walked. He would probably find all of the women more appealing than the men, but he was happy to be some manner of an exception.

\---

“Well, you can’t blame him for that. _Everyone_ will be staring at me. But I’ll make you so pretty he won’t be able to help but stare at you.” She nudged him back, but hers was more flirty, taking an extra moment to be handsy with him while she had an excuse to touch him.

\---

“We’ll see.” He was smiling though, pleased by the idea. He didn’t really mind the touch, the contact so casual and insignificant that it didn’t matter. It was nice to be able to be comfortable around her when he’d spent so long being fearful of even being alone with her.

\---

Just as it hadn’t been hard to find shops for masks, it wasn’t hard to find shops for extravagant parties either. The town seemed to thrive on decadence and she knew Varric would be having as much fun as she was blowing coin here. “Okay, I have something in mind for you. But let’s see what we find in here before I commit to it, shall we?” She suggested as she pulled him into the shop she wanted to check out.

\---

“Do I get an opinion at all?” He quirked a brow at her, reaching for the closest thing to him and plucking at the fabric. It was soft. Silky. It felt heavenly. This place was ridiculous and he couldn’t deny that he liked it. Loved it, even. He should’ve just run away to Orlais years ago.

\---

“Sure you do. I want you to feel as sexy as you’ll look.” It wasn’t going to work if he didn’t feel sexy, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off. “It’s important that we stay away from your usual look though. Varric will spot you too fast that way.”

\---

“No feathers,” he agreed sadly. “I guess it’s time for me to get a proper pair of trousers, huh?” That was what most dramatic thing he could do to make himself look different. As far as everything else went, he didn’t know. He’d worn the same pair of robes for years and only recently gotten something different.

\---

“Maybe, if we find something worth getting trousers for. I still think we have other options…” She didn’t really care, so long as she could dress him more in jewels than in clothing. She wandered through the displays, touching a couple things that might work for either Anders or herself, before her eyes found a heavy skirt that would sit on the mage’s hips. “...What about something like these?” As she held them up to show him, she realized there were far fancier ones in that section of the shop, her eyes already wandering.

\---

His brows lifted. “I... think that’s probably made for a woman.” Not that it was necessarily a problem and maybe that would even help disguise him, he just wasn’t really sure what she had in mind. “What would I wear on top?” Though he was well-versed in wearing things that left his legs free, he’d never worn anything that would require a separate top.

\---

“Not necessarily. It’s cut long. They can tailor this to a man or a woman.” She set the skirt back to dig through the more ornate options, finding one heavily embellished with metal and jewels, forming a belt and a runner in front of the dark fabric. “For the top, it depends on what we go with…” She murmured, distracted by all the pretty jewels on the fabric she held. “Look at this. All the diamond tones would complement the white in your mask…”

\---

He considered it. It was rather lavish, wasn’t it? He felt the fabric. It was lighter than the fabric on the last skirt, but there were so many layers of it that it was just as heavy. “Well, find me a top then and we’ll try it on.”

\---

“I have a better idea…” She could tell he wasn’t convinced, but she wanted to see it on him. She took him by the arm and started to pull him toward the back of the shop where he could try it on.

\---

He followed after her, letting her take the lead. If he didn’t like it, he would look for something different himself. As they passed everything and arrived at the back of the store where there were a few private rooms in which to try on clothing, he quirked a brow. “What’s the idea?”

\---

“I’ll show you.” She tugged him into one of the private rooms and closed them in. She handed him the skirt, then turned her back. It was silly, they’d seen each other naked on multiple occasions, but she’d humor him since he was practicing monogamy. “I’ll protect your modesty, just tell me when you have it on.”

\---

“...Isabela, I need a top.” He was holding the skirt and waiting blankly, not understanding what she was getting at. He didn’t often run around bare-chested after all. He didn’t move to take off what he was wearing, as he didn’t see the point when he didn’t have a full outfit.

\---

“Trust me. Just try it on, we’re going to try something.” She could go out and find a top for him if he didn’t like it. “Your dwarf won’t mind if I see your chest. It’s the lower bits he’s more protective of.”

\---

He frowned, but, with a sigh, began to undress. He turned from her as he did so and then pulled on the skirt. He was still convinced that it was made for a woman, but when he turned to look at himself in the mirror hanging on the wall, he paused. Actually… it looked rather good on his frame. Rather good indeed. It wasn’t nearly as feminine as it had seemed, despite all the flowing fabric and jewels. Even so, he turned to look at Isabela, not lingering on the image long because he was impatient. “Alright, what’s the idea?”

\---

She turned to look at him and hummed her approval. “That looks good on you, Handsome.” She unfastened her choker and moved behind him, putting it on him instead and then turning him toward the mirror so they could both get a look. “What if we don’t do a top? Some jewels, a little paint...you’ll be breathtaking in a way no fabric could show you off.”

\---

He was stunned when she took off her choker. It wasn’t until she put it on him that he could accept what was happening and even then, he couldn’t believe it. He’d asked her to pass it over once, so he could try it on, and he never would’ve expected her to offer it to him freely after she refused to even consider entertaining the possibility.

The weight of it felt good, especially the way it encased his entire neck and when he was turned to the mirror, he stared at himself. He looked incredible and more then that, he looked _sexy_. Heat built in his face and he shook his head, strangely shy. “No, no. I’m supposed to be blending in. If I’m not wearing a shirt, I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb.” He couldn’t imagine that anyone else would be baring so much skin, save the woman beside him, so what if it was too much?

\---

“But Varric wouldn’t expect it from you, would he?” She smiled, running her fingers over the jewels on his hip. “You’re _stunning_. He said he’s going to look for the sexiest man in the room. There’s no way you won’t catch his eye wearing something like this…” She still carried her bag with the masks and she handed his to him so he could try it on with it.

\---

He did feel really good. Honestly, he kind of wanted to go home like this and just have some time alone with Varric, but, of course, that wasn’t the point of all of this. He took the mask, but he was still shaking his head. “Isabela, I can’t. Even if I thought this were a good idea, I can’t… my back. I can’t.”

\---

“What about your back?” She knew exactly what he meant, but she wanted him to see how little it mattered in this context. “Look at you. By the time we get you dripping in gold and jewels, do you think anyone is going to see some old scars? You’ll be too beautiful for anyone to notice.”

\---

“They’ll think I’m a slave.” They were slave scars and though slavery was not allowed in Orlais, it was well-known that the servants that were kept were little more. He didn’t want people staring at him and wondering what he was doing there. He couldn’t help but turn around and look back at himself, taking them in in a way that he hadn’t in a long time. He cringed and had to look away - he’d almost forgotten what they looked like.

\---

“No one is going to think anything like that. You’re going to carry yourself in a way that it won’t even cross their mind.” She turned him back so he’d look at himself from the front. “I want to use a little paint in this anyway. That will draw the eye away from those even more.”

\---

She wanted to paint him? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that… or any of this really. He reached for the choker and with some fiddling, took it off. He offered it back to her, without having put on the mask to take in the final look. Not completely final, since he would have to get his own necklace and whatever else she had in mind. His stomach felt like it was tight and somehow light at the same time. “...I don’t know.” He was insecure, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d come close to doing something like this and really, wearing a scandalous outfit was rather tame.

\---

“Let’s go get the jewels for you. Once you see the whole thing together, you’ll know.” She fastened her choker back into place but she couldn’t take her eyes off of him. “The mask will help. You can be _anyone_ for that night. No one will be able to take their eyes off of you, but it won’t matter to you. It’ll only matter what _he_ thinks.” She wanted him to see the finished product and she knew he’d agree that this was perfect. She ran her fingers over his bare abs, still admiring him in the mirror. “Can you imagine how much he’ll want you when he sees you like this? And he’ll feel so conflicted over it because he won’t be sure it’s you. You’ll just be a beautiful stranger in the crowd…”

\---

He rolled his eyes. “Women, Isabela.” Still, he smiled. “...Fine, but I want to get a scarf or something… something I can cover my back with if I have to.” He was imagining draping it over his elbows. It wouldn't cover all his scars, but it would cover a fair amount of them. If he didn’t like it, they could just come back and find something proper for him to wear. “Come on, turn around so I can get dressed.”

\---

“Fine, we’ll get you a scarf.” But by the time they had the whole ensemble, she was confident that she could convince him he didn’t need it. She turned her back to wait for him to dress. “Now you have to help me find something to wear.”

\---

“Well, obviously I can’t be less dressed than you, so maybe you should take my earlier suggestion to heart.” He pulled his robes back on and draped the skirt over his arm. “That, or you could go completely in the buff.”

\---

“I could. But we can probably find something more fun for me to wear than nothing at all.” She wanted to wear something colorful and flowy. The idea amused her, but she really might go with more clothing than Anders. “Besides, a foreign woman who shows up naked is _way_ more likely to be assumed to be a slave.”


	56. Chapter 56

Isabela walked into the masquerade as if she owned the place. She would have liked to be on Anders’ arm, especially as sexy as he looked at the moment, but in the name of making it harder to identify him, she was making her entrance first. The jewels and coins affixed to the flowing red fabrics of her skirt jingled with her steps as she moved into the crowd, trying to spot Varric. The party was teeming with people and to her surprise, there were a couple dwarves among them. But they were being wallflowers, sipping drinks and hanging back from the crowd so she was sure neither of them were Varric.

\---

Anders felt acutely aware of himself as he waited to make his own entrance. There were already eyes on him and he hadn’t even gone inside where everyone was mingling. The skirt sat low on his hips, brushing the ground and glittering with gems. Not unlike the choker on his neck, an intricate pattern of metal and white jewels that curved down to his bare chest. It was the only jewelry he was wore, besides his earring, but it was more than enough. The mask hid him, but his amber eyes seemed to gleam beneath them, as did the thin strip of gold lining his lashes. It was subtle, whereas the gold painted on his hands was not, completely covering them and fading halfway up his forearms.

He was a sight and he couldn’t deny it felt good to be so gussied up, but he sure that most of the people here would look just as good. Hopefully he wouldn’t stand out _too_ much, but as paranoid as he was about people staring at him or at least, staring where he didn’t want them to stare, he was more excited to see Varric.

When it seemed it’d been long enough, he stepped inside and smiled as he took in the sights and sounds of the party. More eyes fell on him and as he moved further in, but he wasn’t paying attention to them, he was looking for Varric whilst trying not to be too obvious that he was looking for Varric.

\---

Unlike the dwarves silently observing the party, Varric already had an audience. He was hard to find, surrounded by a taller crowd who were listening closely to the story he told. A heavily embellished version of a mission he’d helped the pirate with. His mask was a deep blue with gold detailing, matching the bold blue dancers’ top he wore and the gold jewelry that decorated him. His eyes had a blue cat eye liner to tie them into the mask and his upper lip was painted gold, the lower striped with blue. He wore trousers that were cut for dancing and wore an ornate belt that tied the colors of his ensemble together. His eyes roamed occasionally, looking for familiar figures in the crowd, but a couple women were especially distracting as they kept working for his attention as he spoke.

\---

When he finally found him, he knew immediately. He looked himself, but different. Anders heart picked up, surprised to see that he’d painted his face. He could only really see his lips from where he was, but he wouldn’t have expected him to go so far to decorate himself - it looked wonderful on him. He didn’t want to get too close, so he observed him from afar and he couldn’t help but snicker to himself when he noticed that though he was working the crowd, he seemed more focused on the women.

As predicted.

He didn’t mind and since Varric was busy, he decided to get himself a drink. He couldn’t be apart of Varric’s admirers, as much as he would like to be, it would be too obvious. He was careful to keep his back from the dwarf’s view as he turned and went to where a table was laid out with drinks, plucking up a glass and sipping it. The group was still in sight, he was simply taking care not to look over there too much, and it didn’t take long until he was approached by a woman himself, admiring him and asking his name.

\---

Isabela was harder for Varric to spot than he expected. There were many women with dark hair and dusky skin, though the large majority of the women were fair skinned, and he struggled to decide which was her. Probably the one wearing the least clothing, but there were a couple contenders for that honor. His eyes fell on a pale, bare chested man wearing more jewels than fabric. A shiver ran up his spine, his instincts telling him it was his Anders. At least he hoped it was, as gorgeous as the man was from across the room. He'd need to get closer. He needed to see his lips, his freckles, his earring. Then he'd know for certain, even if the man never turned his back. His eyes were lingering too long and one of the women wanting his focus tugged lightly on his arm. “And then what happened?” She asked and only then did he realize he'd trailed off in his story. With an indulgent smile, he went on but his eyes quickly roamed back to the man. Undoubtedly the sexiest man in the room.

\---

He was glad to see that there was a lot of skin on display, though not as much from the men in the room. He was definitely the least dressed among them, but as eyes lingered on him, he felt all of his insecurities melting away. He felt as incredible as he looked and the confidence was reflected in the way he held himself and the way he responded to his admirer.

His glanced back at the group and realized that the rogue was looking right at him. He flushed and focused back on the woman, now joined by another, inwardly cursing himself for not choosing something that covered more. He was too obvious, wasn’t he? Varric had to have recognized his body - he couldn’t imagine that he was looking at him for any other reason than that he’d already figured out who he was.

\---

Varric continued to glance at him as he worked the crowd, but he was in no hurry to go over there. As much as the man kept catching his eye, he wasn't entirely sure it was Anders. He'd get in trouble with his mage if he fixated too long on the wrong man.

When his story wrapped up, the men prompted him for another but one of the women insisted that he dance with her. Deciding it would make for a good excuse to survey more of the crowd, Varric took the hand she offered and let himself be lead to the ballroom portion of the venue, glancing once more at Anders on his way by.

\---

Anders was watching him from his peripherals and so when the dwarf started in his direction, he stepped closer to the woman, hiding himself by whispering in her ear. She laughed and he watched him pass, surprised when he went on without stopping. He watched his back and suddenly smiled - had Varric not recognized him?

The woman noticed his wandering attention. “Charming, isn’t he?” She’d been listening to his story before Anders walked in and caught her attention.

“Charming,” he agreed, waiting until he was out of sight to look back at her. “Could you do me a favor, lovely?”

“Certainly.”

Anders unfastened his earring and grabbed a drink from the table, securing it around the stem of the glass. “Take this to him? Tell him it’s from a secret admirer, but don’t tell him who.” He winked at her and she giggled, taking the glass from him.

 “And lose you myself?”

“Of course not - you’ll be coming back, won’t you?” He accented the request with a kiss to the cheek and she grinned.

“I’ll be back,” she promised, before trailing after the dwarf as he made his way to the ballroom. Just as they reached the floor, she reached him and she tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me.”

\---

He turned to see the woman, expecting it to be one from the crowd he'd been entertaining. “What can I do for you, gorgeous?” He asked, feeling the impatience coming off of his dance partner in waves.

\---

She offered him the drink. “From a secret admirer.” She lifted her brows and then with a wink, turned and moved away from him, heading back the way she came. When she got to the table, however, her beau was nowhere to be seen.

\---

His heart started beating a little faster as he accepted the drink from her. It didn't necessarily mean it was him. But on taking the stem of the glass from her, he felt there was something around it. An earring - _his_ earring. He grinned and drained the glass quickly, keeping a hold of it as he turned back to his dance partner and put an arm around her. “One dance, my dear. Then I've got to go find this admirer of mine.” Hopefully the song was almost over anyway.

\---

Anders had made his way into the ballroom himself and though he walked along the wall, trying to blend in, appreciative comments followed him. He could feel himself responding to them. He was even moving differently, his hips subconsciously swaying just a little, as if to make himself even more appealing. A hand reached out to touch him, to try to pull him into a conversation, but he slipped by, settling behind a marble pillar so that he could observe his lover without being seen.

\---

Varric got through his dance, as promised, but his eyes kept wandering from his partner. He was searching for Anders. When the dance ended and it was time to change partners, it was a man who reached for him. One that was about the right height. He switched the man, much to the woman’s distaste, and he made small talk with him as they danced. He realized Anders may try to disguise his voice, but the longer he was near him, the more he was certain this wasn’t his mage and his eyes went back to wandering.

\---

There were so many people to talk to and so much to see, but the dwarf had his undivided attention. He wondered what else he might do to toy with him, but he didn’t want to risk getting to close. If Varric only suspected, he didn’t want to make it any easier for him to figure it out. Even more amusing - if he didn’t suspect at all and had been looking at him because he thought him attractive… but no, he had to at least think it could be him.

\---

It took two more dance partners - one of which had been another man he briefly considered another contender to be Anders - but he finally moved around the dance floor enough that he caught sight of the man who had originally stolen his attention earlier that night. “Excuse me.” He murmured when the song came to an end, dismissing himself from the dance to finally approach the man he’d been watching earlier. He still carried his empty glass, his earring fastened to its stem. “You just might be the sexiest man here.” He said to the man, something a little cautious in his approach as he wasn’t completely certain. “Dance with me?”

\---

As he watched him, Anders found himself wandering between marble pillars. Always stopping behind them, so as to not be too obvious, but observing closely. Varric was a good dancer, even when his partners were much taller than he was. He was going to have to dance with him before the night ended.

It was as he was on the move that he saw the dwarf look his way and he paused, but rather than continue on, he remained as he was at the edge of the dance floor. He had a feeling what was coming and he was not disappointed as was approached. Seeing him up close made his heart flutter and his stomach squirmed when he saw the uncertainty in him. Varric didn’t know then or he wasn’t sure, at least, and as such, Anders remained silent as he offered his hand.

\---

Varric lead him out onto the dance floor, his heart racing a little faster when their hands were locked together. It felt like him. It felt like him in a way the other men he danced with hadn’t. He looked down at their hands, admiring the way it was painted in gold, but his eyes didn’t linger there long. They roamed up to Anders’ shoulders, looking for the familiar freckles he often kissed and finding them. Then they rose higher to his lips and the amber of his eyes as he put his arm around him and began the dance.

\---

He noticed the way he was looking him over and he had to resist biting his lip, still wondering if he should’ve chosen better. This close, surely he knew? Still he remained quiet, meeting his gaze intently as they danced. His eyes looked wonderful lined as they were and he had to resist leaning in to kiss his lips. He was curious if the paint would smudge onto his own.

\---

The ease he felt as their eyes locked made him all the more confident. But there was still a nagging doubt in the back of his mind. What if this wasn’t him? He didn’t think it would be possible, stunning or not, no man would be able to captivate him like this that wasn’t Anders. He waited until the song had finished, then went all in with his gamble - he took hold of the man by his necklace and used it to tug him down enough to press a firm kiss to his lips.

\---

He tug surprised him, but as soon as the lips were on his own, he returned it searingly. He knew. His arms slid around him and it was all he could do to not drop to his knees and even things out. He could’ve done better, but he didn’t particularly care right now.

\---

It was him. He knew by his kiss and his enthusiasm that it was him. He broke it to meet his gaze, finding that a bit of gold paint had left a sheen on Anders’ upper lip. “I’ve been missing you, Blondie. I really wasn’t sure it was you until we danced, but I found you just the way I thought I would. You’re the sexiest man here…”

\---

“I’m the least dressed, certainly.” He grinned at him and pulled him away from the dance floor, to the side where some people were mingling. He found a quiet spot and then kissed him again, shorter and sweeter. “Besides, I can’t be the sexiest man here when you’re already taking that spot.”

\---

“You’re not the _least_ dressed. Rivaini wouldn’t let you take that from her.” He nodded toward a woman in a skirt that left one leg entirely bare and her chest was only covered by paint and carefully placed beads. It wasn’t her, but her build was right and it looked like something she would wear. “I thought I was the sexiest man here, right until you walked in. I think you win the title for the night.”

\---

Anders looked over and snorted. “Least dressed _man_.” He stroked his fingers through his hair. “I was hoping to have you fooled for longer, but that’s alright. I can keep you to myself.” He didn’t have to watch anyone else fawn over his dwarf because he had no doubt that he would have his attention for the rest of the night.

\---

“You can. It was fun looking for you in the crowd, but I didn’t want to spend too much of the night without you.” He’d have a lot more fun if they were together. He unclasped the earring from the glass he’d been carrying around, reaching up to fasten it back into the mage’s ear where it belonged.

\---

He smiled and thanked him by way of kiss. “So what are you going to do now that you have me?” He could feel eyes on them, but he didn’t care. None of them mattered to him.

\---

“A lot of what I want to do will have to wait until we get back to the inn.” Anders was so gorgeous and he wanted to lay him down and take him just as he was. “But since we're here for a party, I say we eat and then have a few drinks before we dance again.” He smirked to him. “It's a good thing you chose gold for your eyes. Kissing me added a little more gold to your look.”

\---

“Will it?” he asked, giving him a cheeky grin. He was feeling the same - he’d have him in front of everyone and he wouldn’t care. ...Okay, maybe he’d care, but not enough to stop him. “Let’s make sure I have enough.” He leaned in for another kiss, just as searing as the one on the dance floor.

\--

Varric returned his kiss hungrily, his arms coming around him and his fingers slipping into his hair. He had no doubt people were staring, but it didn't bother him a bit. “Keep kissing me like this and it might not be able to wait till we get back.” There was probably a quiet spot he could whisk him away to, but it would take a few more drinks to really consider that a good idea. He ignited the kiss once more, unable to get enough of him.

\---

He chuckled, but was too busy kissing him to respond. His response was a squeeze to the ass, so glad that the alluring storyteller was all his. He pulled back and looked at him again, finding him so attractive that he was glad there was a lot of overlapping fabric in his skirt. “Let’s get some food then, though you might have to feed me.” He wiggled his fingers, showing off the gold paint which, thus far, had held up well.

\---

“I can do that. I'm in the mood to spoil you anyway.” He took the golden hand he was showing off and pressed a kiss to it. He chuckled under his breath. Perhaps kissing his hand would restore a bit of gold to his lips that he'd lost.

\---

He made his way over to where the feast was laid out and he grabbed a plate so that he could load it with whatever seemed tempting. “All I need is a lounge chair and you can feed me grapes.” The mental imagine amused him and he popped a grape from a cluster he’d chosen into his mouth.

\---

“I'll have to find a big banana leaf to fan you too.” He chuckled and got a plate for himself, loading bits of everything that caught his eye. He fed himself a bite, then reached to Anders’ plate, taking another grape and putting it to the mage's lips.

\---

Anders smiled and rather then just open his mouth for the grape, he used his tongue to sweep it in, brushing Varric’s finger as he did so. “Thanks,” he purred, wanting to find a place to sit so they could eat. He started away from the table and wove through the crowd, until he came upon a bench in a hall that was a little more sparsely filled with guests.

\---

Varric was glad for a place to sit down with him and he sat right up against his side, draping an arm around his back. “I see the way everyone here keeps looking at you. They all want you, but you're all mine.” He used his free hand to take another bite, but this time he offered Anders the other half of the stuffed roll he’d bitten from rather than something off the mage's plate.

\---

“Not everyone.” And Varric had plenty of his own admirers. “I think they’re jealous of us both. We’re the most stunning people here and we found each other.” He leaned into him and took what was offered to him with a hum. “...Honestly, I haven’t felt this sexy in a long time.”

\---

“You should always feel this sexy. You're so stunning.” Maybe he needed to hear it from him more often. He wanted his lover to feel as good about himself as he should. He leaned to kiss one of Anders’ bare shoulders. “I would have felt so guilty if my guess was wrong. I was so attracted to you the moment I spotted you by the drinks.”

\---

He nudged him. “I guess I’ll have to thank Isabela for insisting I show up without a shirt.” He doubted he would’ve found him nearly as attractive if he hadn’t been so scantily clad. Still, it felt really good to know that he’d been so attracted to him without even knowing it was him.

\---

“I had a feeling that was her doing. It was a good idea, though. I bet you feel like you did in your younger years.” As he had in the stories Anders had told him of his vain and scandalous youth. He took another bite for himself, but this time took from Anders’ plate to give the mage his bite. “I'm not the only short man here, but I bet you didn't have too much trouble spotting me.”

\---

“You? Never. Working a crowd like that? No one can do that like you can.” He was right. He felt like he had then and it was nice. He hadn’t felt this… free in a long time. Not just of Hawke, but of all his responsibilities he’d taken on. It had been a long time since he’d just thought of himself and he didn’t regret it. “I’d know you anywhere.”

\---

“I made myself a little too obvious, didn't I?” He laughed softly and started in on the next bite for each of them. “I should have tried to blend in. But I can't help myself, not when I've found a big group of strangers that have never heard my stories before.”

\---

“That’s alright - it wouldn’t be right to deprive them of your stories.” He leaned over to kiss the top of his head between bites. “I wonder if there will be an after party? This one’s pretty formal, don’t you think?” It wasn’t as formal as it could be - otherwise showing up shirtless would have definitely been too much - but it wasn’t a wild party either.

\---

“I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised, these people are really into their parties. I bet there's an after party for the people who want to keep drinking and dancing into the small hours of the morning.” Isabela would probably know, but he still wasn't sure where she was.

\---

“That sounds kind of fun.” It would mean less time for them to be alone, though. “What do you think?” He ran his fingers along the dwarf’s thigh. “A night of dancing or maybe you have something better in mind?”’

\---

“A night of dancing sounds perfect.” As perfect as all of their nights at the inn, so he wouldn't mind going back if Anders decided he didn't want to stay. “But if we do, I might have to find some place to have a little time alone with you. I can't wait until morning…” Especially not if the mage kept touching him that way.

\---

“I’m sure we could find a spot.” A nook, a corner. Something so that he could pull up his skirt and have him. “If I weren’t so selfish and stingy, I’d say you should fuck me against one of those marble pillars.” Right in the ballroom.

\---

His brows raised. “Really? You want me to take you right next to the dance floor? Where everyone could see?” He doubted he was serious. But the idea had the same scandalous thrill that being blown during wicked grace had given him.

\---

“It’s just as wrong to deprive them of us, don’t you think?” He smirked and he reached for his hand, weaving their fingers together. “What do you think? It would be the perfect opportunity to show them I’m yours. That you’re mine.” He wasn’t being serious, but he was curious if the idea would rile him at all.

\---

“It would. Everyone would be so jealous…” And probably shocked that anyone would act so depraved at a formal party. He leaned to steal a hungry kiss from him.

\---

Anders returned the kiss, squeezing his hand and brushing his thumb against it. “I’m yours, Varric. You can do whatever you want with me.” He wanted to give him power, to give him control, because he knew he wouldn’t abuse it. “Take me where ever you want me.” There were two meanings he could take from that, but really, they amounted to the same thing.

\---

“This entire party doesn't deserve the show. One look at us and they'll know you're mine and I'm yours.” He wanted the thrill, but they could be caught even if they snuck off and that was enough for him. “We’ll find a quiet little nook.”

\---

“Good thing you’re selfish and stingy too.” He kissed him again, unable to get enough of him. “Let’s find that nook.” It would weaken his legs for dancing, but that was fine by him. What did it matter how he danced?

\---

“You’re ready now? I don't have any oil, Blondie. You might want to have a drink or two before we get into it…” He didn't want to hurt him, but he really hadn't planned for them to get frisky until they got home later that night.

\---

He bit his lip. “There is a way around that.” A way that would be incredibly awkward if they were found. It was something he would like and that he’d thought about before, he’d just never gotten around to asking him, just as he hadn’t gotten around to asking for his mouth.

\---

“Yeah?” He loved seeing Anders bite his lip and he couldn't resist stealing another kiss from him. “What would that be? I'm all ears.” If they could do this more comfortably for him, all the better.

\---

“It depends on how much you’re willing to use your tongue.” He squeezed his hand, his eyes stuck on him. “A little bit of stretching, a little bit of spit, I think I could take you.”

\---

“I could warm you up with my fingers if that would help…” He didn't mind the idea. And a little spit would help make the whole thing more comfortable. “I just don't want it to hurt for you.”

\---

“I want you to warm me up with your fingers _and_ your tongue.” If he wanted to. He couldn’t completely make out his expression like this, but he wanted to see what he thought.

\---

“...Oh.” He didn't sound put off, but a little nervous. He wanted to make Anders feel amazing, especially at a party like this. But he wasn't sure he could do it well, or if he could do it at all if it ended up being something he hated. At least if he was going to try it, he'd have a mask on to hide his expression if he really didn't like it. “You might have to walk me through it, Blondie. I want it to be good for you…”

\---

He couldn’t really tell how he was feeling. “It’s pretty simple. Simpler than licking a woman and I’m sure you’ve done that.” He knew he had, he was just trying to make light of it. “You don’t have to, love, if you don’t want.” If he was repulsed by the idea… well, there wasn’t much he could do about that.

\---

“I figured that out pretty easily. How hard can this be?” It seemed a lot different. A lot less pleasant. But maybe he'd find that he liked it as much as licking a woman. He kissed him once more, then set his plate aside. “Let's grab a couple drinks. Then we'll start looking for somewhere quiet to have our fun.”

\---

He supposed that Varric could change his mind if he wanted to and so he set his plate aside as well and stood up. He started back the way they came, to where the drinks were being served and grabbed another glass of what he’d already had for himself. There was a variety to choose from, but he’d liked it and decided to stick with it.

\---

Varric chose a different drink, smelling it briefly to guess the mix of liquor in it before taking a sip. It was strong, but still very tasty. He still had Anders’ hand and he lead him away from the table once they'd both chosen. “There has to be private rooms here. A bathroom, if nothing else, that we can hide in for a little while…”

\---

“Let’s look.” He continued to walk with him, still drawing eyes, though not as much. His novelty had worn off, as had the dwarf’s - at least  while he wasn’t telling tales. Even so, he was holding himself with confidence and there was still that little sway in his walk. They moved down a hall, not unlike the one they’d just been in, where people were quietly mingling. There were a couple of doors that he tried, though they were locked, and he prepared to turn and try a different direction when he saw the doors to what looked to be a private balcony.

His brows lifted and he gave Varric a look, tugging him over. He tried the door and sure enough, it opened into the evening air. It was empty and, more importantly, the railing was solid and there were places to sit.

“What do you think?”

\---          

“It's perfect.” It was a beautiful night out and no one on the ground would be able to see them. “It's unlocked so it must be open for our use. We'll just lock it so no one wanders out to join us.”

\---

He left it to him to shut and lock the doors, instead moving to the railing. It was nice out and as he looked over the edge, he could see the bustle of people below. He hopped onto the ledge and sat there, taking in the view, before turning his gaze back to the dwarf. “So, you finally have me alone, stranger.”

\---

With the doors secured, Varric turned back to Anders and smiled. “You're a vision in the moonlight. You were already gorgeous in the light of the lanterns inside, but out here, the moon paints you in perfect cool tones…” It picked up on white of his mask and the lighter jewels on his outfit perfectly. “You've taken my breath away for the second time tonight.”

\---

He smiled and swung his legs, watching him intently. “I do believe you’re buttering me up.” It was working. Everytime he spoke to him like this, it made his chest lift, made his cheeks tint. “Are you considering committing your words to paper? Then perhaps I could keep them.” A poem about taking Varric’s breath away - he would treasure it.

\---

“I just might do that.” He moved in closer to him, but didn't approach him directly. Instead, he moved to the nearest bench. “But it won't save you from having to hear it from me all the time. I'll still tell you how much you make my heart race.”

\---

“Somehow.” He didn’t know how, but it made _his_ heart race to know the dwarf loved him so. “You can tell me as much as you like. I’m afraid I’ll never tire of it and if anything, I’ll only grow greedier.” He continued to swing his legs, his skirt swaying along with them. “I suppose if I can’t keep them, it is enough to keep you.”

His fingers found the fabric and he began to slowly, teasingly, tug it up his leg. Little by little. “Would you be pleased to learn I painted my cock gold?” He hadn’t, he just thought saying so was funny.

\---

“Did you?” He didn't know whether or not to believe him, his eyes watching closely as the flesh was slowly revealed to him. “I bet Rivaini would have loved helping you with that task.”

\---

“I bet.” His legs stopped their swinging as he pulled it up over his knees. Even slower now, up his thighs. Up, up, until the tip of his perking cock was peeking out. Definitely not gold. “What do you think?” he asked, keeping himself barely covered as he leaned his weight back a little, clutching at the edges of the ledge and parting his legs enough to give him a glimpse of what was under the fabric draped over him.

\---

“It's golden in my eyes, stranger.” He took a long sip of his drink, enjoying the view. “You should come sit with me. I can't risk you falling off the balcony before I get to play with you.”

\---

He chuckled and slipped off the ledge, but rather than go to him, he turned the other way, leaning on his elbows over it. When he hitched up the skirt this time, he did so much more quickly, letting him see his ass, lifted in the air with an arched back. Perhaps if he tempted him with it, he wouldn’t be opposed to tasting it when the time came.

“I kind of like it here.”

\---

“Do you?” Varric finished his drink and left it behind on the bench as he stood. He moved to him, running a hand slowly up the back of his thigh and squeezing his ass. “I can't blame you. The view is perfect…”

\---

He looked back at him. “I like it too.” He couldn’t see Varric’s view, but he liked the one offered  in return. The touch was nice and his skin prickled. “I think about you doing all kinds of dirty things to me,” he murmured, still hoping to encourage him. That he was telling the truth was just a bonus. He had a lot of fantasies involving the dwarf, thoughts that he’d cooked up and left to simmer when he’d been chained to a bed with nothing to do but think.

\---

“What kinds of things do you think of?” He got his other hand involved, kneading his ass in slow, thorough motions. He loved it. He loved every part of Anders, really, but his ass was a huge source of pleasure for him. With that in mind, he decided to do a little more exploring than he normally wound, sliding a hand down between his cheeks and stroking the flesh around his entrance. He didn’t concentrate on that area just yet, stroking his fingertips over the soft skin between his entrance and the back of his balls as well.

\---

His stopped looking back, his eyes shutting and his legs quivering as he was touched where he was sensitive. Where he hadn’t been touched in some time. At least, by nothing but the cock he craved. “There’s too many to name. Too many. Touching me. Tasting me. Using me.” The tension in his legs burned just a little as he kept them so straight they stretched, presenting himself as perkily as possible.

\---

“I think I might be able to fulfill some of those wishes. I want to do all of that to you…” He loved to taste him, after all, he just usually did so from the waist up. He was still warming himself up to trying something new and he continued to rub from his entrance to his balls with his fingers as he leaned in to nip his ass.

\---

The nip made him jump, not expecting it, but murmured his name in approval. He was anxious, but hiding it. He liked this sort of thing and he wanted it, so it would hurt his feelings if Varric was turned off by a part of his body. He understood and he wouldn’t hold it against him, he wouldn’t even tell him it hurt him, but it would be a stark reminder that his body was not ideal in its current form.

\---

He smiled at the reaction he got, finding a new spot to nip and then sucking lightly on the flesh. He may not have painted his cock gold as he said, but he’d have gold on his ass after all this. As he grew more familiar with the territory, his fingers began to focus more on his entrance, exploring it and massaging it slowly.

\---

He widened his stance, giving him space to work, and despite being bent over, his cock was hard enough that it clung close to him. He’d not been touch or teased there in a long time and he couldn’t help but press back.

\---

He could read the response in his posture, how good the teasing felt, and it gave him a little more confidence. He kept it up with his fingers a little longer before he worked up the nerve to really give it a try. He used his fingers to spread him, then leaned in and began to work him with his tongue. The mage was right - it really wasn't all that different.

\---

He could tell it was going to happen just before it did and he held his breath. He whimpered and his thighs shook, having to work to stay still. It felt really good. Not just his tongue, but the tickle of his stubble - it’d been so long since he’d been treated to something like this. His stomach was tight, as if waiting for him to step back, to decide he didn’t want to do this, but his breathing was picking up more and more with every stroke of his tongue.

\---

He could do this. It was strange, but he loved making Anders’ thighs tremble. He tried varying the speed and direction of his licks, the things he did when seeing what drove a woman the wildest. His hand slid between his legs, seeking his cock and starting to stroke him - that much was familiar territory at least.

\---

He buried his face into his arms, muffling his moans. It seemed that Varric didn’t hate it, at least, and when he grabbed hold of his cock, the mage knees threatened to buckle. “V-Varric, if you want-” He moaned. “- you can put your tongue inside me.” His grip tightened on the ledge, his entire body seeming to quiver with anticipation.

\---

How different could that be from plunging his tongue into a woman? He'd come this far already…

He gave his cock a squeeze, once more concentrating on something more familiar to him, and slid his tongue into him. It really wasn't all that different either and he squeezed him again as he started to fuck him with his tongue.

\---

The fact that he was actually doing it did as much for him as the pleasure itself. It’d been so long since he’d had this that he was a mess of moaning and writhing. He couldn’t help but rock back into him, pressing himself into his face much the way a woman would when he was doing it just right.

\---

He knew he was doing something right. It was worth any reservations he'd had to feel Anders falling apart this way and he began to stroke him a little faster. He didn't want him to cum, wanting him to be this desperate when it was time to fuck him, but he couldn't resist pushing him a little more.

\---

“Varric,” he whimpered, taking it and taking it, until he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He rose up, breaking away from him regretfully, to turn and fall to his knees at his feet. His hands went to his pants, pulling them down enough to lean in and give him a sloppy sucking. Even more saliva to help them.

\---

He’d been so caught up in what he was doing, he hardly noticed how much his own cock had ached until Anders gave him a suck. He groaned, looking down at him with a smirk - his masked beautiful mage with his lips around his cock was quite a sight. “You're so fucking pretty.”

\---

He looked up at him and his eyes burned with pleasure, and he was that much more enthusiastic. He pulled back, making sure to leave as much spit as he could behind. “How do you want me?” He would do whatever he wanted. _Whatever_ he wanted.

\---

“Bend back over that rail. Enjoy the view, I know I will.” He said he wanted him to use him and he couldn't think of a better way to do that than to bend him over and give it to him until his legs gave out.

\---

He nodded, though before that, he pulled him into a passionate kiss. “I love you,” he reminded him, when he finally broke off and stood so that he could lean over the ledge again.

\---

“I love you too, Blondie.” He was so completely enamored with him. He moved in behind him and as much as he wanted to take him right away, he took the time to run his hands slowly up his thighs and then over his ass. “I’m so lucky you’re mine…”

\---

His heart stuttered. How could he think that? Varric wasn’t the lucky one… but if he felt lucky, he’d done a good job keeping him happy. He wanted him to be happy with him and it was encouraging to know that he was succeeding. “I think you’ll feel even luckier when you’re inside me.”

\---

“I think you’re right.” He was about to find out. He gave his ass a squeeze, then positioned himself and slid inside. He wanted to take him hard, and he intended to, but he knew saliva simply wouldn’t compare to oil. With that in mind, he pushed in slowly, reached around to squeeze his cock to offer him a distraction from the intrusion.

\---

He held his breath. It was harder to take him without oil, but the spit was better than nothing. He shut his eyes and reached back, touching the hand clutching him. “Varric.” He would never tire of saying his name and while they were losing themselves in each other, it comprised most of his vocabulary.

\---

“You're mine…” He murmured, feeling even luckier now, just as the mage had said. He liked the hand on his and he began to take him very slowly, wanting him to have plenty of time to adjust. “Is this alright?” He didn't want it to be too uncomfortable.

\---

“It doesn’t hurt.” It was a little uncomfortable, but that would go away and all that would be left was how good it was. Even now, the stretch was more pleasant than unpleasant.

\---

That was reassuring and he started to fuck him with a little more force. He squeezed and rubbed his cock, wanting to offer him the pleasant distraction and ready to win more moans from him. He was reading his body language, wanting to be sure he really was alright as the thrusts grew more vigorous.

\---

He wanted to show him that it was good, that it was okay, and so he met the thrusts, already panting for air. The fresh night air. When was the last time he’d fucked outside like this? Not in so long. He opened his eyes and looked down. People passing, unaware of what was happening above.

\---

A sheen of sweat had formed on his face and it felt rather nice in the evening breeze, at least in the places where his mask didn’t block it. He groaned under his breath and he relaxed into fucking him, assured that Anders was alright. There was an added friction that he wasn’t used to from fucking him without the lube and that was nice - a heat and resistance he didn’t normally find while he took him.

\---

His cock could do things that his tongue couldn’t and he was thankful that he was taking him. He wanted it to feel so incredible for him, he tightened his muscles, as tight as he could, so much so that he threatened to keep him inside. The tension made his legs shake and he had to tip more of his weight on the ledge.

\---

He swore under his breath, the added resistance amazing. He gripped his hip with his free hand, bracing him so he could take him harder. His other hand started to stroke him faster, wanting to drive him even wilder. He could feel how hard the mage shook and he wanted to keep him shaking like that when he brought him to.

\---

Like before, he couldn’t hold back his writhing and he didn’t want to. He wanted his body do as it would and so he gave into it completely, groaning and clutching at his hand even tighter. He was a mess and when he came with a cry, muffled against his arm, his legs went weak and he slumped.

\---

The hand he’d been bracing Anders with ended up helping to hold him up when the began to slump. Varric pumped him until he was sure he’d milked every last bit out of cum from him, then he released is cock in favor of holding his hand instead. It didn’t take long for him to reach his own end, his groans growing shorter and needer as his panting came to a head. His hips bucked as he spilled himself into him, clutching at him as he filled him up.

\---

Hearing Varric cum was as satisfying as cumming himself. He waited until the warmth flowing into him has ceased to find his feet. To turn and wrap his arms around him and tuck his head against him as he sank back down so they could stay close. “Did I please you?” he murmured to him, stroking his hand between his shoulders.

\---

Varric wrapped his arms around him in return, finding it so easy to sink right into him. It still surprised him just how simple it was to lose himself in Anders even after his blood had cooled. He trusted him in a way he wouldn’t have thought possible and he loved him in a way that seemed even less possible. “Of course you did, Blondie…”

\---

“You pleased me too. Thank you for trying…” He wanted to know what he thought. He found his hand and pulled it in, kissing his knuckles. “Did you like it?” Pleasing him, if nothing else?

\---

“I didn’t just try. As far as I can tell, I succeeded.” He chuckled, nestling his cheek into his shoulder while his hand was kissed. “I liked it. I liked the way it made you shake…” It made him wonder how it felt since no one had ever done it to him, but he wasn’t sure if he would bring himself to ask for it.

\---

He chuckled along with him. “You’re right. You succeeded.” He hoped that he meant it. That he really liked it and that he’d want to do it for him, without his asking. “It’ll make you shake too, I’m sure.” Having gotten it from him, he wanted to give it to him. Just as he wanted to give him all of himself.

\---

“It just might. I’d be curious to find out.” It certainly seemed as if it felt amazing. Maybe he’d get it without asking after all. He felt he’d be able to give Anders a blowjob without prompting now, or at least attempt it. After all, it felt less daunting than what he’d already tried.

\---

“I can satisfy your curiosity. All of your curiosities.” He stroked his thumb against the hand he was holding. “I want nothing more than to please you.” It was the least he could do for him, after all Varric had done.

\---

“You always please me.” He’d never been more satisfied in his life. He kissed the bare flesh of the shoulder he rested against. “I love you, Theodoric.” He hadn’t used his name since he told him what it was, wanting to use it sparingly and only where no other ears could hear them.

\---

His breath caught for a time, he said nothing. It took effort for him to swallow past his emotion, but when he did, it was still in his voice. “I love _you_ , Varric.” The dwarf was everything and he would do anything for him, anything to make him happy.

\---

He was glad he used his name so little, the impact was just what he hoped it would be. It was such an intimate thing to share with him, which was surprising when names were usually the first thing people learned about each other. Perhaps he’d use something similar in one of his books, one that Anders might like. “I’m sorry it took me so long to steal you for myself.”


	57. Chapter 57

After weeks of parties and merriment, Varric was finally growing homesick. They’d explored the city inside and out. The food and the shops had been almost as much fun as the plays and the parties. There was something new to do every week, it seemed. He enjoyed Orlais far more than he thought he would, but he felt he was about ready to get back to Kirkwall. He’d had enough dealings through the merchant’s guild to keep some income flowing during their time away, but to make up for all the lavish spending, he was going to really have to get back to business when he got home.

He was cuddled up to Anders, satisfied and settling in to sleep as these thoughts ran through his mind. He didn’t know how his lover would feel about the return trip, as eager as he’d been to flee Kirkwall, but it was something they should at least discuss. “...Hey, Blondie. Can we talk before we sleep?”

\---

Comfortable as Anders was, it would’ve taken a lot to get him to open his heavy eyes. As it so happened, being asked to talk was one of the things that took no effort. “Yeah… Is something wrong?” He couldn’t help but be concerned, but maybe it wasn’t like it sounded.

\---

“No, nothing's wrong.” He followed this assurance with a brief kiss. He didn't want him thinking that any part of their relationship was souring. “I just wanted to talk to you about how much longer you want to stay here. I'm having a blast and I don't want to leave Orlais tomorrow or anything like that. ...But I'm getting a little homesick.”

\---

Anders was only a little comforted and that faded when he heard what he had to say. He wasn’t surprised by it… but he’d hoped it wouldn’t come up. That they’d get so use to staying here, that they would simply… stay. His eyes fell and he began to pick at the sheets. “Oh.”

\---

“...I take it that means you still don't want to go back.” He definitely wasn't enthused by the topic. “I was hoping after this much time away, we could at least talk about this. We don’t have to make any definite decisions right now, but can we talk?” His tone was gentle and patient, completely understanding of why Anders was so apprehensive but still hopeful.

\---

He remained silent, but nodded. They could talk about it, but he already knew what Varric would say. He wanted to go back, but Anders didn’t. He pressed his face a little more firmly into his pillow, waiting for him to say whatever he had to say.

\---

“Will you tell me why you still don’t want to go back? If you’re afraid of him, I can show you the letters I’ve gotten from people keeping an eye on that situation. He’s safe behind bars and he’s not going anywhere for years.” He reached out to touch his arm gently, knowing it was a difficult subject.

\---

“I hate Kirkwall.” Just like he hated Kinloch. “It’s awful. Darktown. Lowtown. The Gallows. It’s a nightmare. Even Hightown, the place you can pretend it’s not so bad… that’s where I was beaten and chained.” He swallowed. “Being there is like being chained. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t go.”

To go back would be to linger in all of the bad memories.

“I know Kirkwall is your home. I know you like it, even if I don’t understand why. I don’t think I _can_ understand. I haven’t been homesick since I was a boy. I haven’t had a home. I don’t know what that is or what that means. I’ve spent my entire life running, it doesn’t make sense to go back.”

\---

“That’s exactly why Kirkwall _could_ be your home. You’ve always had to run, but I got rid of the monster in Hightown. I don’t have the resources here to protect you the way that I do in Kirkwall from the templars and anyone else who would mean you harm. We have each other now and there’s no benefit to continuing to run. You’ll be home as long as you’re with me.” He stroked his arm soothingly. “You were so happy in your clinic. And I always loved the look on your face whenever we snuck another mage out of the Gallows. We had a purpose there, you and me.”

\---

Tears welled in his eyes and he turned his face even further into his pillow. “Don’t you like Orlais, though? It’s better… in every way.” As tourists, they’d experienced all of the wonderful things the city had to offer and if Varric didn’t like this city, there were others in the region. He was sure it had it’s problems and they’d purposely stayed away from the Orlesian Circle, but at least the people seemed happier and healthier.

\---

“I do like Orlais. We could come back and visit whenever we wanted. You don’t wear those chains you used to, Blondie.” He leaned in to kiss his temple, guilt building in his chest for upsetting him like this. He wanted to go home, but he didn’t want it to hurt Anders.

\---

He did, though. He couldn’t escape Kirkwall, no matter how much he needed to. He was chained to that terrible city. As long as he was with Varric, he would never put that place behind him, would he? It was where he wanted to live the rest of his life. “...Okay, we’ll go back.” He felt sick to his stomach and he started to lose control so he closed his eyes.

\---

“Anders…” It was another name rarely used with him and he wrapped his mage up in his arms. “I just wanted to talk about it. You don’t have to commit to that, okay? I promised I wouldn’t hurt you and if this does...well, I’ll figure something else out.”

\---

“We can go back.” He felt small in his arms, despite being a larger man. “I just- I just need time to come to terms with it.” He pulled back from him, needing space. “I just need some time.” With that, he turned the other way. Sometimes he turned from him in the night, but never while they were still awake.

\---

“I understand.” He felt awful. But he could give him space. He didn’t want to force himself on him if he didn’t want his attention right now. He slowly got up out of bed, going to where he’d hung up his pants before they’d settled in. “I’m just going to be at the desk getting some work done…” He could just crawl into bed after his mage had gone to sleep, or he’d sleep in the wooden chair as he had the first nights Anders had stayed with him.

\-----

When they were nearly back to Kirkwall, both rogues were in good spirits. Isabela wasn’t exactly homesick, but she was curious to see the state of things in Kirkwall with Hawke gone. Particularly how Merrill and Pickles were holding up in her room. But Varric’s good mood was flawed. He felt so guilty that his mage was so unhappy. He’d agreed to go and he said he just needed time, but he’d gotten more depressed the closer they got to Kirkwall.

Varric had left their room to go get drinks for them and he splurged a little, as he often did, returning with a glass of champagne for each of them. He found Anders sitting where he’d left him and offered him one. “I asked for wine but the man saw you walking with me earlier - he said you deserve no less than the finest champagne. Who am I to argue?”

\---

After agreeing to come back, Anders had managed to put it in the back of his mind. To enjoy the rest of their time in Orlais. But ever since they boarded the ship, each day saw him less and less enthusiastic. His smiles and laughs were becoming fewer and far between and with a day to go, he’d decided to hole himself up in their room.

When Varric returned with the drinks, he thanked him and took his from him. Only after sampling it did he respond to what he had to say. “You’ll have to thank him for me. It’s good.”  

\---

“It’s good. Just not as good as you.” He took a sip of his own drink, then leaned in to steal a kiss from him. It was only a peck, he didn’t want to overstep when Anders was this unhappy. Lucy wove around his feet and he nudged her toward Anders so she would give him her attention instead. “I think he said something about how pretty your eyes were too. But it might have just been me.”

\---

“Even if he did, I’m sure he couldn’t wax poetry like you.” He gave him a little smile, but it didn’t take long for it to fade and for him to take another drink. “What time are we supposed to arrive?” he asked, the change of subject sudden, his fingers fiddling with the stem of his glass.

\---

“A little after dawn if the wind cooperates.” His own tone sobered a little, knowing Anders wouldn’t like the answer no matter what it was. “...I really appreciate you trying this for me, Blondie.” He kept framing it that way - as a trial. If Anders was truly unhappy there and he couldn’t do anything to make it better, they would have to try something else.

\---

He nodded, but he didn’t really want to talk about it. He took a deeper drink and, when that wasn’t enough, he downed the rest. “Should’ve just bought the bottle.”

\---

“Maybe so.” He offered Anders what remained in his champagne glass instead. “Here, have this. I’ll go run a bath. Remember how anxious I was our very first night on a ship? A bath might help now more than the rest of the bottle would.”

\---

He took the glass from him, considered it, then finished it as well. He didn’t know if he wanted a bath, he didn’t feel like he had the energy for much of anything, especially not washing himself or drying himself off after. He didn’t argue, though, his fingers now fiddling with Varric’s glass.

\---

Since he didn't protest at least, he rose from his seat and moved to him, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Just wait here.” Anders had hardly moved through the day, so he hardly needed to say it. He went to the bathroom then and started to run a bath for him, warming it and using some of the fancy soaps they had to choose from to scent the water.

\---

He watched him go and when he was gone, he sighed. He knew he needed to cheer up. For Varric’s sake. He was doing this for Varric and it was pointless if he was making him unhappy in his own unhappiness. It was just difficult. He was despondent, knowing that by this time tomorrow, he would be back there.

\---

When all was ready, he returned to Anders and offered his hands to him to help him get up. “Come on. Blondie. Let's get you undressed and soaking. You'll feel so much better when we're done.” At least he could hope so.

\---

He took his hand and stood, making his way to the bathroom with him. He stripped himself and let his robes fall to his feet. Normally he would’ve taken more care to put them aside, but after stepping out of them, he went right to the tub and slipped into the water. It did feel nice and he found himself sinking so he was almost entirely submerged.

\---

Varric slid off his boots and rolled up the legs of his trousers but stopped there. Rather than get in, he sat down on the ledge behind Anders, letting his legs dangle into the water on either side of him. He started to use his fingers to work water into the mage's hair since it wasn't completely submerged, massaging his scalp as he started to wash it.

\---

He shut his eyes and let himself feel his fingers. Varric was tending to him. He was still taking care of him. He could feel the love that the dwarf held for him and it was as soothing as the warmth in the water. A hand reached back and he clutched at his calf, wanting that contact with him.

\---

He hummed a song under his breath, just a soft, nonsense tune that he hoped would soothe him further. The touch was reassuring - that he was seeking more contact from him rather than trying to shut him out. He used the soap to work up a lather in his hair, taking his time with it and rather enjoying the task.

\---

He appreciated him being so thorough and when his hair was rinsed, he pushed himself up out of the water enough that he could lay his head on his thigh. His hair soaked the fabric, but he didn’t care.

\---

When he set his head on his thigh, he smiled and reached for a cloth. He was raised enough now for him to wash his shoulders and the top of his back and chest. He took his time with this as well, then eased one arm up to the surface to get working on that.

\---

He wasn’t particularly helpful, but he was compliant. When Varric wanted an arm up, he let him pull an arm up. He’d have to stand or at least turn away for him to be able to get his legs out of the water for him and he didn’t particularly want that, so he intended on staying as he was. It didn’t matter if his legs went unwashed.

\---

He didn't want to pull Anders up out of the water to wash the rest, so he did the next best thing. He reached into the water, scrubbing as much as he could reach of him without falling into the water himself. He wouldn't be able to clean him completely but that wasn't the point. The point was to scrub him slowly and thoroughly, to show him that he cared and help him relax.   

\---

When he was done with his arms, he wrapped them around the leg he was laying against, clinging to it lightly. His eyes had shut and he was content to cuddle with him. Even with the smell of the soap in the air, stronger was the scent of his boyfriend while he was so wrapped up in him.

\---

When he'd washed all that he could, he let the cloth slip away from him in the water. Instead he simply used his fingers to gently rub his back. “I love you, Blondie.” He would take care of him, he'd make this alright.

\---

“I love you, Varric.” He wouldn’t be going back if he didn’t love him. He nuzzled his head against him, in no hurry to dry off even if they were done. He was comfortable and he didn’t want to expend the effort to get up and get out. That could come later and maybe they could spend the rest of their time together in each other’s arms.

\---

He was glad Anders wasn't in any hurry to get out. The bath appeared to have done him some good, he looked more content than he had all day. He kept up his comforting touches, happy to let him soak as long as he wanted. When he was ready to move, he'd help dry him off and dress him, then they could settle somewhere and cuddle up. Whatever helped keep his mage comfortable, he'd do.


	58. Chapter 58

While Varric was gone, Anders was listless. The dwarf had a lot to do after having been out of town for so long, so the mage had a lot of time to himself. It was time that could be spend doing something and at first, he’d tried. He’d gone to the clinic and to try and pick up where he’d left off, but he hadn’t even made it to the door. He’d seen the entrance to Hawke’s cellar and that had been enough to send him back home.

It didn’t feel like home, but it was Varric’s home. As such, it was his home too.

Instead, the last week had been spent in bed. After everything, he never would’ve thought he’d voluntarily spend his days in bed, but he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t help Varric, he couldn’t help the people, he didn’t even like leaving without someone beside him. It didn’t feel safe and he was scared, so his days were wasted and he was overcome with a depression that dragged the life out of him.

He didn’t know when the dwarf would be back today, but it didn’t matter. He’d be back when he was back. He rolled this way and that and when Lucy laid down beside him, he slid an arm around her and pulled her into his chest, shutting his eyes and trying to go back to sleep.

\---

Varric made a point of coming home early, not liking leaving his mage to wallow for such long stretches of time. He unlocked their door, hoping to find Anders up and doing something  - _anything_ \- and instead found him lying in bed just where he left him. He sighed internally but put on a smile and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “Hey there, Blondie.”

\---

His eyes opened at the sound of the door, tense until he saw him walk in. It didn’t make sense for it to be anyone else, but he knew Hawke would know where to find him. “Varric,” he murmured, happy to see him. He reached for him, wanting to take his hand.

\---

He took his hand in his own and raised it to kiss the back of his knuckles. There was no sense in asking how his day was. It would have been the same as all the other days he’d wallowed in bed. “I missed you.” He’d gotten spoiled to seeing him all day every day and it was odd to leave him now. It would be easy if Anders was off doing something he enjoyed while he was away, but it was harder when he knew the mage was just failing to thrive.

\---

“I missed you too.” He was tired from his inactivity, but he had a little more energy while he was with him. “Are you done today?” He wanted to know if he was going to stay or if he had to go back out.

\---

“Almost. I have to go out late tonight.” He hoped that his mission of the evening might perk Anders’ interest, but he didn’t have his hopes up. The clinic hadn’t, after all. “One of my clients knows a young healer the templars have caught wind of. I’m going to get her out of the city during the changing of the guard.”

\---

He was sad to hear it, but he knew he had lot he was juggling, so he wasn’t surprised by it. As he explained, his brows furrowed. “Is the Underground helping you?” Or was he doing it on his own? If so, was he getting any help at all? Isabela? Merrill?

\---

“They’ve got their hands full. She was going to have to wait longer for them to get her out, so I said I’d take care of it tonight.” He didn’t think it was anything he couldn’t handle, practiced as he was after helping Anders with so many missions. “You know how they covet their healers, I’m not going to make her wait another day to get out of here.”

\---

“Who’s helping you, then?” Surely he wasn’t doing it alone. He understood what he was doing and he supported him - if the templars knew about her, it was important to get her out as quickly as possible. He just didn’t want him to do it alone, in case something happened.

\---

“No one. I’ll be doing this one alone.” He smirked just slightly and reached to scratch Lucy’s head. She stretched out on the mage she rested on, purring at the fresh petting. “Unless you or Lucy want to go with me, I suppose.”

\---

“...You could ask them. You know they would help you.” He hadn’t asked them for a reason. He wanted his help, didn’t he? It made sense… this was something they’d done together and he wasn’t ignorant to the way the his sorrow was affecting him. He wasn’t surprised he was trying to get him to do something with him.

\---

“Sounds like they’re pretty busy right now. I’ll be alright.” He would love for Anders to go out into the night with him. To do something for another mage, just as he used to. But he could hardly get his mage to do _anything_ , much less risk life and limb out on the town the way that they used to.

\---

He was quiet for a while, then he let go of his hand to reach for him. “Will you lay down with me?” He’d missed him and he wasn’t close enough.

\---

“Any time.” He’d never deny him. He eased himself to lay down at Anders’ side, cuddling close and draping an arm around him. “Is that a little better, Blondie?”

\---

He nodded, nestling into him. “Better.” A lot better. He always felt better when he was here. It was when he was gone that he really struggled, much like it’d been before he’d helped him escape.

\---

He kissed his cheek, then settled his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes. He’d had so much catching up to do since their return to Kirkwall. Between that and Anders’ state, he was feeling so drained. “...Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Blondie?” He knew he’d need time. But he felt he was failing him after seeing him in bed for a week.

\---

“I just want you.”  He knew he was bringing him down, but he didn’t know how to stop. He was hurting him… but he was so hurt himself that it was hard to do what he would have to to make it stop. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, his voice thickening as the guilt gave way.

\---

“Don’t be sorry. I just want to help. It’s my fault you’re feeling like this.” It was his insistence on coming back to Kirkwall. Anders had been so happy in Orlais. He still wanted this to work, he still hoped Anders would come around. But he did feel directly responsible for the mage’s misery.

\---

“It’s not your fault.” He was the reason he was here, but it wasn’t his fault that he had such strong feelings when it came to this terrible place. “I just want you.” He leaned in and offered him a lingering kiss, wanting to have as much intimacy with him as could while he was here.

\---

He let the kiss linger, needing it as much as Anders did. He broke it when he needed air and he squeezed him with the arm he had around him. “You have me. You always will.”

\---

He worried that he would push him away, so everytime Varric showed him that he still wanted to be with him, it was a wonderful comfort. He nodded and pulled him back into a kiss, wanting to spend as much time locked lip to lip while he could.

\-----

Varric dosed through the early evening, but he was anxious enough about his mission that he had no trouble waking when it was time to get moving. He untangled himself from Anders carefully, though he was very doubtful he’d do so without waking him, and kissed his cheek. “I’ve got to get going, Blondie. I’ll be back.” He murmured to him as he got out of bed and began to dress himself.

\---

Though he was constantly sleeping and constantly tired, it never took much to wake him and his eyes opened as soon as he shifted. He looked up at him and when he saw him getting up, he reached for him. “Wait,” he murmured, pushing himself up on an elbow.

\---

“What is it?” He asked softly and when he was reached for, he reached out in return to take his hand. He was only half-dressed but he paused as he was to touch him. “If you don’t want to be in here alone at night I can see if Isabela is around…” She’d been out with Merrill all day but maybe she’d be back to keep him company.

\---

Anders watched him, his lips tugged towards a frown. “...I don’t want you to go alone.” His eyes fell and for moment he was quiet, and then he pushed himself up so he was sitting. “...I’ll go.” It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help him. He did and this was actually something he could help with, he was simply anxious.

\---

“You will?” He smiled, more than a little surprised. He leaned in and pecked his lips. “It'll be good, Blondie. That girl needs us.” Just like old times.

\---

He nodded. As long as he was with Varric, it would be okay. He got up and he looked rather a mess, but he was quick to dress and he ran his fingers through his hair a few times before putting it up. He didn’t feel himself, but he grabbed his staff and put it on his back.

\---

Varric readied Bianca, then took Anders by the hand. “I love you, Blondie. Are you ready to go? I think you’ll feel so much better after a little adventure with me.” Just like they used to, but he didn’t want to bring that up. He knew Anders had enjoyed their missions back then, but he didn’t want to bring up any of his other feelings from that time. Maybe after a night doing work for the mages he’d want to spend the next week in bed. But maybe it would be just what he needed to get him moving again.

\---

Again he nodded. He didn’t know if this would make him feel better, but it would be nice to do something. With Varric, he knew he could do it. He’d be there if he needed him. More importantly, he could be there for Varric if _he_ needed him. “Let’s go. The sooner we get this done, the better.” For her and for them.

\---

He squeezed his hand and lead him out. He had a good feeling about all of this. It would be a simple mission and just what Anders needed to ease back into work. He kept his hand linked with his, not planning to let him go until they reached the girl and it was time to move. He wanted to be a constant reminder that he was not alone and he was safe.


	59. Chapter 59

Starting to take Anders on missions had helped immensely. They went on more and more together and though the mage wasn’t very keen on leaving if Varric wouldn’t be with him, the dwarf felt it was doing him a lot of good to get outside and do something that mattered to him. Anders wasn’t staying in bed all day anymore, which was a huge relief, but he found he still couldn’t get him to go to the clinic on his own. On a day when he’d caught up with his own work, he offered to go with him and that had been enough to get him out there.

It was something that he needed to check out himself - he’d left an employee in charge of paying the nurses and making sure they stayed well supplied and he was glad to see that all was running smoothly. It warmed him to see Anders in his element once more working with patients. On this particular visit to the clinic, he brought parchment along to jot down some concerns from the nurses. A table had been damaged by an unruly patient, the cots were aged enough to need replacing as well. His finances had taken a nosedive between their vacation and spoiling his mage after they’d returned home, but he was working hard and he knew he’d negate the losses soon. Refurbishing the clinic would make Anders happy anyway, so he didn’t have a problem throwing his coin into it once he had a good steady income again.

The women closed the clinic at dusk and once all was cleaned up, Varric took Anders by the hand to lead him out. “How was it?” He asked, since they hadn’t talked much between his patients. Like they used to, that time was usually reserved for stealing kisses.

\---

Anders was tense, his hand tightening on Varric’s, as they passed the cellar door. It wasn’t until it was out of sight that he relaxed. “...It’s good to see that they’ve been working so hard.” He was glad that the clinic hadn’t been abandoned in the time they were gone. Not that he would’ve have expected it to be, not the way Pia worked, but he would have felt awful if he’d left all these people with no one to help them.

“I like being there, I just wish it was somewhere else. The sewers have never been ideal.” That wasn’t why he didn’t like it, though. In some ways, the sewers were ideal in terms of being close to who needed him most and laying low, but he couldn’t help but be paranoid and scared when it was _so_ close to the place he’d been abused.

\---

“We could always open a second clinic. We could hire more help to keep both running.” Not immediately, he had plenty to do with this one. “Then we’d have one close to the people who need it most and another with a more appealing location.”

\---

“Maybe.” It would be dangerous. It was already dangerous running one clinic, though he supposed that while he wasn’t working, there wasn’t really any danger at all. It wasn’t as if there was a healer working there. Even if they did, it wouldn’t help him much. He’d still have to go between them and that meant confronting something he couldn’t handle.

\---

Since he didn't seem overly enthused about the idea, he was fine with letting the subject drop. The clinic they had was already a money pit so he didn't particularly want to fund a second. But he would if that made Anders happy. As soon as they were out of Darktown, he saw a familiar face in the crowd, as he often did in Kirkwall, and snorted in amusement when a teenage girl came bounding toward them.

“Varric Tethras!” She gushed as she all but skidded to a stop in front of him. “People were saying you were back in town, but I hadn't seen you yet! Is The Lost Ring sequel coming out soon?”

Varric beamed, always pleased to see a fan, and her rush to blurt out her question made him chuckle. “Pretty soon. Sorry, I've been a little busy lately.” He gave Anders’ hand a squeeze. “I've got a short story collection coming soon too and a play. Keep an eye out for those.”

The girl looked up to Anders and her cheeks darkened a little. “Is this Anders? Is he going to be in the new book?”

“He just might get his own book. You'll have to wait and see like everyone else.” She was far from the first to question whether or not Anders would be appearing in his works.

\---

Anders watched the girl approach and he was amused as she gush over the dwarf. He’d seen his fair share of gushing since he’d known him, but it had been a while. He knew Varric got a respectable amount of fanmail as well, but he never really talked to him much about all of that. Maybe he ought to.

His brows lifted when she went on and he looked at his lover. “My own book? What on Thedas would it be about?” Sure, a lot had happened in his life, but he remembered from before, when he’d learned been telling stories about him, that he hadn’t really touched on any of that. He wasn’t still telling stories, was he? Surely not?

\---

“About that time you rescued the beautiful mage from the templar that wanted to take her for himself! Or that time you saved Aveline from the brink of death when she’d been impaled in battle! Or that - “

“Oh, there are lots of good stories about him. I'm sure I'll come up with something to put on paper about him.” Varric cut off the gushing girl, not needing Anders to know how many stories he'd been telling or just how embellished they were. “We should be going though. We've got plans for supper.” Nothing beyond ordering tavern food and taking it up to their room, but he was hungry.

\---

His brows lifted higher. He looked back at the girl and offered her a smile. “It was nice meeting you.” Though he could scarcely say he met her. He tugged Varric away. “Or that one time what?” he asked him when they were far enough, looking skeptical, but still amused. “Just how long _were_ you telling stories about me?”

\---

“I don't know, Blondie. I guess I just like to talk about you.” He gave him a sheepish little smirk and squeezed his hand. “I'm a talker. I can't help it if you're my favorite subject.”

\---

“Am I?” He was still looking at him skeptically. “Are you still telling stories about me?” Or had that stopped when they’d returned and he’d had such a hard time adjusting? Things were getting better, but it would take time before he could really say things were back to how they use to be.

\---

“The people like to hear about you. I like to give my fans what they want.” It wasn't a direct answer, but close enough. Varric noticed another face in the crowd as they walked, but this one didn't make him smile. A dwarf was watching them and when he met Varric's eyes, he walked casually into the nearest alley without any sort of acknowledgment that they knew each other. “...Hey, Blondie. We need to go this way for a second. It'll be alright, just stay behind me.” He didn't really think it was trouble, but discreet couriers could be bought by anyone and he was always a little cautious around them.

\---

Anders froze, his hand crushing Varric’s, as he began to look around fearfully. Was it him? His eyes searched frantically, pressing into Varric, looking for danger. He didn’t see him - was it a templar? He was shaking he was so scared, but he did as he was bid slipped behind him.

\---

“It's alright. It's just mail.” It had better just be mail. He squeezed his hand tightly to reassure him, keeping Anders tucked tightly to him. When he met the dwarf in the alley, there was no talk. He handed Varric a letter and in return, Varric handed him coin. The stranger continued on his way down the alley and only when he was out of sight did Varric turn them to go back the way he came. “Sorry about all the shadowy business. Dwarves have their own underground, only with politics and assassination attempts rather than comradery toward a good cause like the mage underground.” He said with an apologetic smile when they were back to finishing their walk home.

\---

When he realized what it was, he relaxed, though he was still on edge after getting worked up. “I know about the Merchant’s Guild,” he teased, trying to make light so as to continue calming down. “I know it’s a lot… sketchier than it seems on the surface.” It was a topic they’d never delved deeply into, despite Varric being an prominent member.

\---

“Sketchy is a good word for it.” He raised their joined hands and kissed the back of Anders’. It was a relief that they were nearly home and he knew his lover would feel better once they were inside the tavern.

\---

“You should tell me more…” Varric so rarely talked about himself and he knew it was a big part of his life. “I’d like to know what you do when I’m not with you.” Maybe… maybe he could help. Then they’d have a reason to spend even more time together and he’d have no reason to sit at home by himself.

\---

“I will. When we're up in our room.” He’d share whatever Anders wanted to know, but he knew he'd understand the need for discretion.

When they got inside, he ordered their meals and carried them up the stairs, eager for a full stomach and a little mead. “You hungry, Blondie?”

\---

He nodded. “It’s been a long day.” He’d exhausted himself magically and it’d been a long time since he’d done that to that degree. He sat down in his usual spot at the table and took his share from him. “So, go on. I know a bit about the Merchant’s Guild.” As much as someone on the outside would. Probably a little more, since he spent so much time with him over the years, but really not all that much in the end. “Why don’t you tell me about your part in it?” It was, after all, what he actually did with himself.

\---

“My idiot brother and I are both Deshyrs. We’re on the council so we hold a fair amount of influence when things come to a vote. With him on the run, it largely falls on me here in Kirkwall. The council influences both the surface and Orzammar...which naturally means that it’s a lot more blackmail and murder than any real democracy. Which is why my role is more spymaster than anything else.” He brought his bottle of mead to the table, pouring a cup for each of them before settling down into his own seat to start in on his meal.

\---

He wasn’t surprised by what he was hearing, a lot of it could be surmised, but it was still interesting. To someone who didn’t know him, Varric looked like little more than a storyteller in a bar. Living an easy life. Anders looked intrigued. “You should talk about yourself more often.” He’d tried to get Varric to talk about himself when they’d first started playing cards and sharing drinks, but it was hard to get him to open up. “I like knowing about you.” As he should, considering he was so invested in him.

\---

“I’m not really all that interesting.” He didn’t think so, not compared to the people he told his stories about. “What else do you want to know?” Deciding he should offer a little more openness himself, he went on. “Maybe how I ended up with my position in the Guild? It’s not an uncommon way for noble families to redeem themselves after exile. My father got the family exiled before I was born, so the Guild was our best bet.”

\---

He ate his food absently, more interested in the self-proclaimed ‘uninteresting’ dwarf. “I’d like to know about that,” he agreed, and continued, “And about your family. I don’t know anything about your father or your mother.” He knew his family had been exiled from Orzammar, but he didn’t know why.

\---

“I wish I had better things to say about them.” He said with a little smirk, working through more of his meal as he took a moment to gather his thoughts. “My father died when I was pretty young. Apparently we used to be a proud and noble house in Orzammar. But he tried to rig a Proving and ended up getting not only the family, but all who served the family exiled. Over a hundred people forced out of their home because he fucked up.” He heard plenty about it from Bartrand, but he didn’t have the same spite in his tone when he talked of it. It was a life he’d never had and couldn’t mourn. “Like I said, we had a shot at redemption by making our house influential in the Guild, but he squandered it. Too busy wallowing in self-pity, I guess. He stopped taking care of himself and died and my mother drowned her sorrow over him in a bottle. When I was little she still took care of us while my father wasted away. But most of what I remember is after that, when Ma was drunk and it was Bartrand who started working to make sure we had enough to eat.”

\---

His eating slowed, overwhelmed with empathy. “...Did she see your rise in the Guild?” Even if not, surely she would be proud. Surely his father would be proud too, to see their sons make something of the family name. He was upset by what he was hearing, never having really known what he or his family had gone through or how much he’d struggled.

\---

“She did.” He warmed a little at the question. “She wasn’t exactly aware of a lot going on around her. But she knew my brother had made up for our father’s mistake. He made enough coin, made the right alliances, and restored our family’s name. I learned from him but I stayed in the shadows, making sure to keep the right people were appeased so that his quick ascension in the ranks didn’t get his throat cut.” He sighed softly, favoring the mead over his meal now. “It was amazing...but it changed him. He became obsessed. He forgot about me, he forgot about his fiancee. All he wanted was more coin and more power. He wasn’t my brother anymore. And now...after the Deep Roads, I don’t even know who he is anymore.”

\---

He joked with Varric about all the things they would do if they caught up with Bartrand, but they’d never really gone into it beyond that. Into how much it had to have hurt him to have been so betrayed by his brother. He pushed his food aside and scooted his chair closer so he could slide his arms around him. “I’m sorry, Varric.” He wished it had been easier for him. He wished it hadn’t been so difficult for him growing up, but wasn’t it like that for everyone? Everyone he knew had gone through such struggles… Why did the world have to be so cruel?

“...I know it isn’t the same thing, but you’re my family now. Even if you don’t now, I hope someday you’ll consider me your family too.” Varric didn’t have any family left and neither did he - Anders didn’t have anyone. They were both alone and though Varric had a lot more friends than he did, it wasn’t the same thing and he wanted to share that familiarity with him.

\---

After all that Anders had suffered, Varric was used to comforting him. It was a little surreal to have Anders move in to pull him into his arms and do the soothing. He nestled into him and kissed his cheek. “You _are_ my family. Better than the real family I’ve had.”

\---

He smiled and tightened the touch. “Thank you for sharing all of that with me.” He didn’t want to probe too much this time, but he did want to talk to him about it further. About his father, about his mother, even about his brother. He was so strong and he kept it all in, never complaining, and he wanted to be there for him so he could get all of it off his chest. “I want you to be able to talk to me about everything.”

\---

“I want to be able to talk to you about everything. It’s just hard for me. I’ve gotten so used to talking about everyone else so I never had to talk about myself. Not really, anyway.” It was easy to tell funny stories or extravagant lies when pressed to talk about himself. The truth was another story. “I know you’ve offered to listen before and I think we should talk about someone else from my past. Because if that letter in the alley isn’t about some kind of subterfuge, it’s from Bianca.”

\---

He understood and it made it feel all the better that he had opened up to him at all. As he went on, however, he stiffened and pulled away. “...Bianca.” This was the one subject he hadn’t ever wanted to talk about, but he’d known that it would come eventually. He just… hadn’t expected that. “You get letters from Bianca.” His stomach seemed to shrivel, but he knew that it shouldn’t. Varric was his, wasn’t he? But she was still in his life. Still sending him letters. Was that all?

\---

“I do. I last wrote to her before we managed your escape. I told her about how much I love you.” He had wanted her to know that he’d finally dared to have feelings for someone else and he was curious to see if she was as supportive of that as she had once told him she would be. More importantly, he didn’t want Anders to feel threatened by her, whether she approved or not.

\---

That was… a little comforting. He just didn’t know anything about this woman. Who she was. What her relationship with Varric was. Why Varric had completely devoted himself to her. Why they weren’t together. Why they were still talking. He looked down at his hand, now tracing the edge of the table with his nail. “I see…” He didn’t really, but he didn’t know what to say. “What did you want to talk about?” Her? Or the fact that they were writing?

\---

“It depends on what you want to know. I think you’d understand our current situation better if you knew the whole story.” He put a hand over the one Anders was using to toy with the table. “But the long and short of it is that she’s a girl that made me a promise she wouldn’t keep. And I’m lucky that I’ve found someone that I can trust to give my heart to instead.”

\---

His hand stilled, but his eyes remained as the were, now focused on Varric’s hand on top of his. “...Do you still love her?” They’d all speculated about Varric, the crossbow, and the girl that had left such an impression on him, but none of them had known what they were talking about. The only thing any of them could surmise was that whoever she was, he’d loved her dearly.

\---

That was a loaded question. But he meant to answer it honestly. “I think I always will in a way. But I’m not in love with her. I think I’ve been too bitter to love her like I used to for years.” He wasn’t entirely sure that part of him wasn’t still in love with her. But he’d gotten colder toward her and when she did visit, he never failed to snipe at her about her husband waiting for her at home. The bitterness, at least, he was sure of.

\---

He nodded, but he was still feeling incredibly insecure. Whoever this woman was, she was his great love that he’d lost. He known he couldn’t measure up all along, but being confronted with it like this was still hard. “You can tell me the whole story, if you like.” If he wanted to tell him, he wanted to hear it, even if it made him feel worse.

He tried to tell himself that all that mattered was who was with him in the end, but the fact that they still talked… There was something about it that made ‘the end’ feel a lot less final.

\---

“I met her when I was looking for someone to fix my crossbow. I had one of the only prototypes for a repeating crossbow and someone told me there was some female smith that could not only fix it, but make it better. I was skeptical, but I went and ended up with the best crossbow that has ever been made.” To this day, he was sure, as she often tweaked it on her rare visits. “We hit it off right away and it was every bit the whirlwind romance that everyone has when they’re young and stupid.” He paused to have another drink.

“It was fine until we started talking about the future. She told me she was arranged to be married to someone who would give her family a powerful alliance. That she had enough brains and talent that there were already whispers that she may be the first surface dwarf Paragon. But she told me she loved me and that none of that mattered to her. I wasn’t even the head of my household and she said that didn’t matter to her. I started making plans to run away together. To save her from her responsibility and live a free life. But once it came down to it...she decided not to go with me. Instead, she decided to not only go through with her marriage, but confess that she’d been involved with me. Which nearly started a caste war and prompted her family to order multiple assassins to collect my head.”

He didn’t know if he was saying too much. If Anders really wanted to hear all of this. But now that he was talking about it, it was hard to stop. “I didn’t understand why she’d changed her mind. I figured she must have developed feelings for the other man. That she and I were done. But she snuck out to see me. She told me she still loved me, that she didn’t love him. But that she’d chosen duty over love. That I’d ‘grow up’ and understand some day why she did what she did. But when I came into my own wealth and influence, I told her she was wrong. That I would have thrown _everything_ away for her and I didn’t understand how she could say she loved me but wouldn’t do the same for me. After she got married, the Guild forbade us from having any contact. Breaking that rule could get either of us killed. But we still exchange letters from time to time and she even visits once in a great while. They used to be passionate affairs, but these days we mostly bicker while she tunes up the crossbow.”

He sighed and finished off his drink. “So she ended up in a loveless marriage, but is going to be made Paragon and has everything she’s ever wanted from her inventions. And I ended up successful in my own right, but jaded and determined that I’d never give anyone the opportunity to trample my heart and hopes like that again. ...But then there was you.” He said softly, a warm smile on his lips despite how melancholy he’d been while he’d been talking. “I needed to tell her that I’d found someone who actually makes me happy. I feel a bit bad for her, really. She’ll never know how good that feels.”

\---

It was a fascinating tale. A tale he knew no one else had ever been told and that revealed so much about the dwarf and his life, but Anders couldn’t appreciate it properly. He appreciated that he was candid and honest, but the story itself made him feel awful. He knew what he was saying, what he was trying to tell him, but there was one part that stood out to him. He wished it didn’t, but it did.

Varric said it himself. He would’ve thrown away everything for her. He’d loved her so much that he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t do the same.

He knew Varric wouldn’t throw away everything for him. He wouldn’t run away with him, not really, but he also knew it wasn’t fair to expect that of him. Things were different and as much as they loved each other, he wasn’t his great love, was he?

“She won’t. She doesn’t seem all that smart to me, if she was willing to let you go.”

And still he wrote her. Anders didn’t understand why.

\---

“I resent her for it, but I think she did us both a favor. I don't know how genuine my feelings ever really were. I met her at a time when I lost my parents and I was losing my brother. I wanted a real connection with another person, something that would last. I think I was more in love with the idea of her and what we could have more than I ever really loved her.”

He sighed and shook his head. “It was never real in the way it is with you. I found my feelings for you in a time when I had shut everyone out. When I had committed firmly to a life alone where I didn't have to worry about being abandoned by anyone. You made me change my mind and you did it _so_ easily. I'm not in love with the idea of being in love with you. I'm in love with _you,_ Anders. It's better than it ever was with her.”

\---

He finally looked at him, wading through far too many emotions. “...You don’t have to lessen what it was. She left a lasting impact on you. More than anyone ever has.” Or likely ever would. “It’s okay, I know you love me.” He hoped that he meant what he was saying, about it being better, but he still didn’t feel he could measure up.

\---

“I'm not lessening anything. She's had a massive impact on my life and most of it has been bad.” It didn't always feel that way. But it had in recent years. “We haven't been together all that long, but you've already been undoing some of the damage that she did.”

\---

He nodded. “I’m glad.” He set his free hand on top of Varric’s, covering both of their hands with his own. “I don’t want you hurting from such old wounds.” He hesitated, not wanting to sound as jealous as he was. “If that’s the way you feel, why are you still talking to her?”

\---

He moved in closer to him, seeking more of his touch. “You don't have to worry about me hurting. I always get by.” He could always keep a smile on his face and pretend none of it mattered. “I still talk to her because she's my friend. She's been a consistent person in my life longer than anyone, even if we don't get along. Even if I wanted to cut ties completely, no one else knows how to fix my crossbow.”

\---

“I don’t want you to get by. I want you to stop hurting.” He hated that he’d spent so long so bitter because of what someone had done to him. He slid the hand on top of both of theirs up to clutch his wrist. He took a deep breath. “She doesn’t seem like your friend, she seems she strung you along.” He wasn’t sure if he would tolerate him talking about her like that, so he was quick to move on. “When it stopped being a passionate affair, was that because of you? Or her?”

Of course she was the only one that could fix his crossbow. His beloved crossbow named after her.

\---

“It was gradual for us both. But it was mostly me. I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. And I knew staying intimate with her and pretending she was mine when she came around was only making it worse. The more I withdrew from her, the more angry she got with me. She wants me to move on, it's not that our lack of passion that bothered her. It was the fact that I could let go of that much of our past, but not the blame I put on her." It was complicated, he knew, and he knew some of it was his fault. “She thinks that since we aren't involved like that anymore, I should stop making my remarks about ‘running home to her husband’ my equally spiteful comments about the perfect life she chose. She's probably right about it too.” But it was hard to separate his hurt from her, even if they were friends.

He looked to the hand holding his wrist, then up to him. “If you want, I'll stop our communications. When my old girl quits singing for me...I'll retire her and stick with bladed weapons instead.” It was far harder to talk about giving up the crossbow than his occasional letters with Bianca. The crossbow had never wronged him like she had. But he'd give both up if it was what Anders wanted.

\---

The offer surprised him and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. It was something that he should probably have no say in - if Varric wanted to have a relationship with Bianca, then that was his decision. He couldn’t deny that he didn’t like it, though. “...Why don’t we see what’s in the letter?” He’d heard Varric’s side of it and if this letter was from her… maybe he needed to see her side of it too.

\---

“I’ll have to help you with some of it. The part of the letter you’ll be more interested in if it’s from her will be a lot easier to understand.” He pulled the letter from his jacket and looked it over - the seal was nondescript and nothing was written on it. When he opened it to look at the parchment inside, there was no greeting at the top to name who the letter was for and no signature at the base of the letter either. “Yep, this is from her.” He laid it down on the table where they both could see, though he knew what Anders saw would mean little to him. It was made up of strings of letters and numbers with odd punctuation and capitalization amidst the seemingly random collections of ‘words’. “This is what a lot of letters passed between Deshyrs looks like. It’s all coded and in hopes of keeping as many people as possible in the dark, even different castes having their own ‘dialect’ of coding. Fortunately I’ve learned to understand most of it.” He tugged a blank piece of parchment from his own jacket and a quill, starting to jot notes down from what she’d sent him. “This much of the letter is all business. She’s updating me on which houses in her neck of the woods are feuding, who’s making the most profit in black market trade, who’s formed an alliance by trade or marriage…” He was writing notes of these things as he went over the letter, pointing out an example of each thing he listed as he came upon them in the code. He found himself smiling a little. “And a little heir born to House Gwyn. I always liked them, they’ll be good parents.”

\---

It was rather interesting and he watched intently, but he couldn’t help but be anxious for what he was waiting for and as such, when he started talking about the happy family, he stared at him.

\---

He caught Anders’ look and he apologized under his breath, rising from his seat. He gathered more parchment, a little piece of coal, and one of the candles lighting the room before returning to his seat. “This part of the letter she writes with a very light hand. So it doesn’t disturb these.” He held the parchment up in front of the flame, revealing the words not written in ink, but in pressure beneath all of the lines of code. He set it down on the table, positioning the spare parchment he brought over to the table and rolling the coal over to it, bringing to light the hidden words scratched into the letter. These words were not coded and would require no translating for Anders.

_It’s about time you gave someone a shot. I can’t remember the last time you wrote to me and really seemed happy before now. I wish you’d have fancied a dwarf so I might know at least something about him, but whoever this mage is, he seems like he’s really good for you. Just don’t let yourself get too guarded and withdrawn, I’m sure you’ll talk his ears off but try to REALLY talk to him. You know how you get, but it sounds like you’ve got something that makes you happy so don’t muck it up. Also, tell him that if he hurts you I’ll feed him his testicles. Take care._

\---

He read it over a few times, before sitting back. He still wasn’t sure how to feel, but at least she wasn’t upset that he’d found someone else. It was a bit rich that she was worrying about him being hurt and making threats, as if she hadn’t hurt him more than anyone. He could tell that he wouldn’t like her.

Rather than say anything, he looked to Varric, wanting to see what his reaction would be to her response.

\---

“As if she has any business worrying about someone _else_ hurting me.” He snorting, feeling the same way about her threat. “But as I expected, she’s supportive.” He looked to his lover as well, not sure how to read his expression. “She’s right about me, but you’ve already worked past my defenses better than anyone could. I’ve talked to you about things I’d never share with anyone.”

\---

Except maybe her. His lips quirked a little, but he was still slightly solemn. “It’s not my decision whether or not you keep writing her. If you want to write her, then write her. I know it’s unlikely, but if something… changes, will you tell me?” After everything Varric had to say and after what Bianca had to say, he knew the risk was slim, but he still wanted the assurance.

\---

“But I’m offering it to you. I’ll give up that friendship if it’s what you want. I’ll give up my girl as well.” He nodded toward where Bianca rested, wanting to be sure he knew he meant the crossbow and not the dwarf. “I want you to be happy and I don’t want you to have any reason to doubt me.”

\---

He leaned in and hugged him, comforting himself as much as the other. “I wouldn’t ask that of you.” Not unless he felt he had a reason to, but as of right now, he didn’t. It did mean a lot to him that he would offer to give her up. The crossbow too, attached as he was to it - he’d never ask him to give that up. “I know you mean everything you’re saying, I just also know that things can change.” He pulled back. “I suppose something you don’t know about me is that I can be terribly jealous sometimes, but I know there’s nothing to be jealous of.” It didn’t stop him from being jealous, but it made the jealousy reasonable at least.

\---

When he pulled back, Varric pulled him right back in. He wanted to hold him and be held. “I’m flattered that you’d get jealous over me. But you’re right, Blondie. There’s nothing to be jealous of. It’s just you and me.” There was no room in his heart for anyone else.

\---

He still hadn’t given him the assurance he’d wanted, but he knew it was because Varric didn’t think anything could change. He supposed it if did, he’d find out one way or another, and until then, he didn’t want to worry about it. Right now, it was enough that Varric was so sure of their relationship.

“I love you so much, Varric,” he murmured, squeezing him.

\---

“I love you more.” He kissed his cheek. “So what else don’t I know about you? Now that I’ve learned you can be fiercely jealous of your favorite dwarf.” He asked with a smile in his tone, giving him a nuzzle.

\---

It wasn’t possible. Their love would have to be equal, because otherwise, Anders would never give him the satisfaction. “I think that covers everything. I’m in love with you and I’m jealous.”

\---

“Hardly. There’s plenty for both of us to learn.” He was so comfortable in his embrace, stroking his back lightly. “I’m a jealous man myself. I love dressing you up and showing you off. But I’d hate for anyone else to touch you.”

\---

“Lucky for you, no one else will ever touch me.” He didn’t want anyone else and if anyone tried, they’d get a fist to the face. “I’m just glad you like looking at me so much.” He’d never felt so good about himself as he did with Varric. Varric spent so much time looking at him, complimenting him, adorning and admiring him.

\---

“Who wouldn’t like looking at you this much?” He nuzzled him again but this time started to press kisses along his jaw. “You’re so pretty. I’m happy to let the world see you. So long as everyone keeps their hands off of what’s mine...”

\---

Anders smiled and welcomed the kisses, shutting his eyes and sighing. “I’ll be your arm candy if you’ll be mine.” He didn’t compliment Varric as much, but the man was handsome as hell. He was so incredibly attracted to him and he expressed that by way of putting his hands all over him whenever he had the chance.

\---

“We have a deal.” He wanted to be as appealing to Anders as his mage was to him. He wanted him to be proud of him and want to show him off. “But it’s the same with me. They can look but they can’t touch.”

\---

“Good.” He could touch him as much as he wanted and he wanted to take advantage of that right now. He slid his hand into the opening of his shirt, feeling the plush hair and grazing the metal in his nipples - something they’d picked up in Orlais. “I want to look _and_ touch,” he murmured, turning to capture his mouth.

\---

“I have good news for you, Blondie.” He broke the kiss long enough to answer him with a smirk. “You’re the only person in the world who gets to do both.” He fell back into his kiss, closing his eyes and melting into it.


	60. Chapter 60

As he’d hoped, things continued to slowly improve. Varric found Anders to be more relaxed as the weeks went on and it was easier to enjoy their time together. Anders still didn't want to go out on his own, but that was fine with him. On days he didn't have too many errands in town, he went with him to the clinic. They both kept busy and they spent nearly all of their time together, which was good for both of them.

On an evening that Varric was sitting at the table, working on his latest book. there was a knock at the door. He'd been talking absently to Anders while he worked, craving his company and interaction with him even when he wrote, when the knock startled him out of his thoughts. “...Were you expecting someone, Blondie?”

\---

He looked at the door and then at Varric, brows lifting. “Of course not.” If it wasn’t one of their own, the only person that might possibly come for him was Pia and only if someone had come in to the clinic in critical condition. It was much more likely that it was for Varric, as he was a man in demand.

“I’ll get it.” He rose to his feet and made his way to the door, unlocking it and opening it. His eyes fell on the elf on the other side and he scowled. “What are _you_ doing here?” He’d warned him that if he came near him again, he’d set him on fire. It was tempting, but he was surprised he was here at all - he hadn’t asked or heard about him since they’d returned.

It seemed he was still in town then. He knew he wasn’t here for him, so he was here for Varric, but why?

\---

“I need to talk to Varric.” The elf had known Anders might answer, but he'd hoped not. He frowned, but didn't scowl. He looked uncertain, not sure what to do with himself with the mage in front of him. “I know you don't want me here, I just didn't know how else to reach him.”

“It's alright, Broody.” Varric hopped up quickly when he heard who it was, wanting to diffuse the tension in the doorway. “We can go for a walk if my Blondie doesn't want you in here.”

\---

“No, if he has something to say to you, I want to hear it.” Then he wanted him gone. He took a step back, folding his arms and staring at him, still scowling. Whatever Fenris had to say, he could say it in front of him, or he could fuck off.

\---

“I want to talk to you. But if there's going to be any hostility, you can leave now.” Varric’s warning to the elf was given gently, but his tone was firm.

Fenris just shook his head, giving Anders a wary look as he passed him and sat down at the table. “I just wanted to talk to you. I've been thinking a lot about what Hawke had been doing. What I'd been helping him with.”

\---

He didn’t want to sit, so as they sat down, he stood nearby. Not enough to be imposing, but enough that he wasn’t easily ignored. The fold of his arms tightened and he fixed his gaze elsewhere, knowing he would get too angry if he didn’t take himself out of the conversation at least a little.

\---

“I'm all ears.” The dwarf was very aware of Anders lingering near the table and he wished his love would sit down next to him. But he knew he wouldn't be able to relax enough so long as the warrior was in the room.

“I don’t…” He started and glanced to Anders. He didn't think they should have this conversation in front of the mage. But he also knew he wasn't going to agree to talk without him. He frowned down to the table. “I came from a place where mages are the most privileged people in society. Even ‘punished’ mages are treated better than the average person. I refused to believe that it was all that different anywhere. I know you tried to tell me, but I wasn't willing to hear it. When he talked about the things Hawke did him and that it was nothing the Circles wouldn't do...it sounded like slavery and it was the first time I really _heard_ any of it. But I still couldn't just listen. I had to see for myself. I had to visit them and talk to the people there.”

“And did they tell you what you needed to know?” Varric laced his fingers together on the table and leaned forward, deeply intrigued.

“No. The mages were frightened and tight-lipped. Just like any slave you'd speak to in Tevinter. They told me everything by telling me nothing.” Fenris shook his head solemnly. He didn't feel any warmer toward mages. But he did feel guilty for actively supporting something so vile. “I was wrong. I was helping Hawke put people in those Circles. I want to work with you and get as many out as we can.” Blood mages were a different story, but he knew the Circles didn't keep them alive anyway.

\---

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had to look at the elf, to make sure it was really him. Even though it was something that he would’ve have been thrilled to hear from him before, to think that the hateful asshole had stopped to think, his eyes were filled with distrust and disgust. It’d taken Hawke going insane for him to hear what he’d been saying all along. What kind of delusional world had he been living in where he was able to ignore everything awful and wrong and act like any of it was new to him?

“It never occurred to you that tearing frightened children from their terrified, fleeing parents was wrong?” His arms fell from their fold, his hands flexing. “It never occured you that imprisoning innocent people for no reason was wrong?” He looked so angry, there was color high in his cheeks, making him contrast his ornate robes rather intensely.

\---

“It was no different from what the mages have done to my kind. Forgive me if it wasn’t all that easy for me to see from their perspective.” Fenris tensed, immediately on the defensive when the mage spoke up.

“Hey, hey…” Varric stood, putting his hands out to placate them both. “Easy, Broody. You owe him an apology, for starters.” He looked to his lover. “If you don’t want to hear him out, you don’t have to stay, Blondie. But he’s finally on the right track. Being spiteful about how long it took him to get here isn’t going to help anyone. If he wants to try to right some of the wrongs he’s been a part of, I want to talk to him about it. Okay?”

\---

The anger turned on Varric. “Some people don’t deserve a second chance,” he snapped, shaking his head. “How do you know he means it? How do you know he’s not working with-” His voice failed on the name and some of the heat faded in favor of fear. His hands flexed and he fought his shortening breaths.

\---

“I won’t know until I talk to him. You don’t have to give him any chances.” He moved to Anders, taking one of his clenched hands. “You don’t have to have anything to do with him.”

“Working with who? With Hawke?” Fenris rose from his seat, raising an incredulous brow. “Do you have any idea what sort of state he’s in? Do you think he’s capable of conspiring with anyone?”

“He doesn’t know. We don’t talk about him.” Varric said firmly, giving Anders’ arm a stroke with his free hand. “I can talk to you at your manor some other time. That’s enough for tonight.”

\---

He blinked. “State?” He looked between them, but he lingered on his lover. “What don’t I know?” He knew Hawke was imprisoned, but unlike the mages, he deserved it. Even so, what was happening to him that he was in a ‘state’?

\---

Varric looked to Fenris but the elf was already on his way out, eager to get out of Anders’ presence. He looked back to Anders then, giving his arm another stroke. “He’s been in solitary confinement for a couple months now and spends a lot of his time in restraints. He hasn’t been doing well with it, but they haven’t been able to control him any other way. I get regular reports, but I didn’t think you wanted to know.”

\---

He stared at him, shocked, and then his features began to twist and reconfigure, tears rising in his eyes. His free hand lifted and covered his mouth, then his eyes shut and he held back a sob, his shoulders beginning to shake.

\---

“Blondie…” He wasn’t expecting this reaction and he was relieved that Fenris had closed the door behind him when he left so he didn’t have to let go of Anders. “Come here…” He started to guide him toward the edge of the bed where they could sit down together. “Talk to me. Tell me why you’re so upset.” He requested gently, wanting to know where this was coming from considering how fearful he was at the very mention of Hawke.

\---

He followed him blindly and with the bed beneath him, he lifted both hands to hide himself. He was struggling not to melt down and so it took a while for him to manage an attempt at answering. “I didn’t want him to suffer.” He knew what solitary confinement was and it was suffering unlike any other.

\---

“You don’t need to worry about him suffering. He didn’t worry about yours…” He didn’t want Anders to hurt over that man, not anymore. He stroked his back gently, giving him all the time he needed to calm down and talk to him. “What matters to me is that he’s somewhere he can’t be a danger to you or anyone else. Including himself. I don’t want you to be afraid of him anymore and you don’t have to be if he’s there.”

\---                                                                      

“You don’t know what it’s like, Varric.” He had to pause to swallow. “You don’t know what it’s like to be locked away like that.” Hawke deserved to be punished for his crimes, but he didn’t want that to mean he was treated with cruelty. “He’s not going to get better if he’s locked inside his head.”

\---

“Do you think he deserves to get better? You said not everyone deserves a second chance. What he did to you was…” It was horrific. He found himself shifting to hold him rather possessively. “I don’t like the idea of him being tortured. But I have trouble feeling sorry for him after seeing everything he did to you.”

\---

That quieted him. Why did Hawke deserve a second chance if Fenris did not? What Hawke had done to him was far worse than anything Fenris had ever done to him. The only difference was that he’d loved Hawke and hated Fenris. “How long are they going to keep him there? What if they keep him in solitary for a year?” He shuddered at the thought. “What if they keep him like that for longer?” It would’ve been kinder to kill him and if he was never going to be given the chance to find peace, what was the point?

\---

“I don’t know what they’ll do with him. He’ll be jailed for at least a couple years, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be in solitary all that time. If he mellows enough, I’m sure they’ll move him out of there.”

\---

“...Maybe I should talk to him.” If he could convince him to behave, then they wouldn’t have to be so harsh with their handling of him. His hands fell and he clutched them together in his lap, so tight he was crushing them. The idea had him terrified, but maybe… maybe this time he could through to him.

\---

He was shocked he would suggest it and his hold and comforting strokes grew all the more possessive. “You don’t owe him anything, Blondie. You don’t have to see him again in your entire life if you don’t want to.” He leaned in to kiss his cheek. He’d support what he wanted to do, but he didn’t want Anders to feel he _had_ to do anything for that man.

\---

He sat on the thought for a time, then he went on, meekly, “Maybe someone else can…” But who? Aveline was in charge of him, surely she’d spoken to him? Or perhaps she wasn’t in charge of him, thanks to her prior relationship with him. If not her, then who? Isabela? She wouldn’t. Merrill? No. Varric? He looked at him, miserable. Why would he?

All that left was Fenris and he didn’t trust him.

\---

“If you want me to, I’ll go try to talk to him.” He didn’t want Anders to have to. It wouldn’t be easy for him to look at Hawke, but if he could spare Anders from it, he would. “I’ll try to get him to stop. If I tell him it’s because you want him to, he just might.”

\---

The offer did and didn’t surprise him. He knew there was little Varric wouldn’t do for him, but this was something that would be just as difficult for him. Wouldn’t it? He leaned into him, letting him take his weight, but too worked up to do anything with his hands apart from hold them anxiously. “...Okay. If we talk to him and he doesn’t listen… then it’s not our fault.” He could comfort himself with the fact that they tried.

\---

“That’s right. We’ll have done what we can.” He assured him gently, glad that he seemed to be calming a little. “I don’t want you to have to see or talk to him if you don’t want to. But would it give you any assurance to come to the jail with me and just stay away from where they’re holding him? Maybe talk to one of his guards? I see the way you watch for him when we’re out on the town and it might give you a little more security to see for yourself that he’s there and he can’t get out…”

\---

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe here.” Right now it seemed impossible. “Something could happen and he could get out and if he does, he’ll want to hurt us and he’ll know where to find us.” It felt inevitable, really. He didn’t think going would help. It scared him just to think about being that near to him - the rogue had done a number on him and he wasn’t sure the lasting effects would ever really fade.

\---

“He’d have to get through me to hurt you. Whether we’re here or on the other side of the world, I’ll keep you safe. The difference in location is that I have a network of people here who keep _me_ safe. If he even catches a cold, I’ll know about it so long as I’m in the city.” He kissed his cheek once more. “If he can’t get to me, there’s no way he can get to you.”

\---

He found what he had to say curious. When he’d argued about staying in Kirkwall before, he’d always emphasized that the reason he wanted to stay so much was that his influence would better allow him to keep him safe. He’d never mentioned that it had anything to do with keeping _himself_ safe. While he could appreciate how important that was, he couldn’t help but wonder if that had been his true reasoning all along.

He supposed their safety went hand in hand, but had he been lying to him?

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m being irrational, but I can’t help how I feel.”

\---

“I know you can’t. I only offered because I thought it might help. What matters if that I’m going to keep you safe.” He assured him softly. “And for your sake, I’ll do what I can to keep him safe too. I’m probably the last person he wants to see, but I’ll try to talk to him.”

\---

“Okay.” He knew it would be better this way. It would be so difficult for him to put himself in that kind of position, so if Varric could do what he needed to for him, then all the better. There was something else he needed to address. “I don’t trust Fenris. I don’t think you should talk to him and I don’t think he should be allowed back in.”

\---

“I can tell that you don’t. He doesn’t need to come back here and there’s no reason you need to interact with him again.” Varric rested his head on his shoulder. “I do want to hear him out. I know him better than...well, probably anyone and he’s not a danger to me or you.”

\---

“He’s awful. He’s part of the reason all of this happened.” To this day, he blamed Fenris in part for why Hawke had gone so far off the deep end. “I don’t understand why you care about him so much… He’s always treated me like garbage and he wanted to give me to the templars, or did you forget?”

\---

“I knew he was just narrow minded because of his trauma and that if someone could get through to him, he’d change. He was an ass to you, but he would not have turned you in to templars anymore than you would turn him in to slavers.” He leaned back enough to look up to him. “You’ve gotten through to him. He’s changing and he’d be a valuable ally to have. I won’t make you hear him out, but I’d like to.”

\---

“Yes he would have. Maybe you don’t remember, that night was a blur, but when we were trying to help that family flee, I told Hawke that he’d have to take me too, if he wanted to take them, and Fenris told me to get on my knees. He wanted to take me in along with that innocent family.” He shook his head. “Narrow minded doesn’t even begin to cover it and you _know_ it.”

“I don’t trust him. He knows we must be working to undo all the damage that Hawke did and he wants in on it because he wants to _prevent_ it.”

\---

“Then I won't go to talk to him. I won't let him get involved with what we're doing.” He conceded, not wanting to argue it any further. He wanted Anders to be comforted and he clearly wouldn't budge on this. Fenris could work on his own if he wanted to or perhaps he'd seek out Isabela.

\---

He finally relaxed. “He’s not sorry,” he went on, though he was talking to himself. Reaffirming what he’d already said. After a beat, he focused. “Thank you,” he murmured to the dwarf, his hands finally parting to slide around him as he pulled him into a kiss.

\---

He relaxed as well when he was embraced and let the kiss linger a moment. “Anything for you, Blondie.” He'd offered to give up Bianca for the mage, this was hardly a sacrifice in comparison.

\---

He knew Varric had been busy working on his writing, but since they’d been thoroughly distracted, he decided a little more distraction wouldn’t hurt. To show him what he wanted, his hands found his sash and he began loosening it, while pressing kisses to his jaw. He hadn’t missed the possessive way he’d held him and he wanted him to remain that possessive for the rest of the night.

\---

That was a shift in mood he hadn't been expecting. It was a welcome one and he tipped his head back a little, giving him more space to kiss. “I love you.” He needed to remind him of that, especially after how upset his mage had gotten over all of this.

\---

“I love you too.” He began kissing down his neck, taking his time to unwrap his sash completely. “...Let me take care of you,” he murmured, pulling the length of fabric in giving it a testing tug. He took hold of one of his wrists and began to wind it around, making a loop with one end.

\---

“It's my job to take care of _you_ , Blondie.” But he let him play as he liked, watching him bind one wrist. Anders had his own ways of spoiling him and he'd never refused when his mage wanted to treat him.

\---

“Maybe, but it’s _my_ job to take care of you too.” They would take care of each other. He used the sash to tug him up the bed by his wrist, wanting him to settle at the pillows with his arms above his head. He looped the fabric around the headboard and began to secure his other wrist with the opposite end.

\---

He let himself be pulled up on the bed and bound there, settled comfortable in the pillows and furs. There was no tension in him as his hands were tied, trusting Anders entirely. “You do a good job of that.”

\---

“I have a lot of experience doing it.” He pulled back to look him over. It was a position he wouldn’t have been able to handle himself, but seeing him strung up was rather appealing. He moved to settle between his legs, unlacing his trousers slowly and easing them down and off.

\---

“If you're not careful, you'll spoil me.” He raised his hips to help him work his trousers off, enjoy it the feel of the furs on his bare skin when he settled. He was already beginning to perk, his body eager for the pleasure that he knew would follow.

\---

“I don’t spoil you enough.” He left the rest of his clothing on, as it wasn’t in the way and he began to strip off his robes. It left him in only the jewelry he wore, but there was plenty of it. A choker, bracelets, earrings. Like Varric, he had several hoops in one ear and one in the other. “Let me make it up to you.”

\---

“Do what you want with me, Blondie. I'm yours.” His eyes wandered his bare lover and he sighed softly. “You're a vision in gold.” He never got tired of telling him so and he perked further as his hunger for him grew.


	61. Chapter 61

On the day Varric went to the jail to visit Hawke, he was very uneasy. He covered it well, as he covered many things well, but Anders had probably noticed the difference in his posture and the set of his jaw. But he meant to get it over with and so after ensuring that his mage would be alright staying in their room alone, he headed out.

He was greeted by Aveline at the jail, having given her a warning that he’d be going to talk to Hawke. They exchanged words briefly and he learned that while she had some oversight over his incarceration, she was forbidden from interacting with him or being involved in his direct supervision. It made sense, but it probably made things that much harder for Hawke to not even have occasional glimpses of a familiar face.

When he was walked back to where he could meet with Hawke, he wasn’t sure what to expect. He’d made such visits to jail before, but never to see someone under such high security. What he wasn’t expecting was to see the man he’d once so respected shackled to one end of a long table that was bolted to the floor. He was thin and his hair and beard were greasy and unkempt. When he saw the dwarf, his eyes were wild and he pulled at his bindings weakly. He remembered how hard it once was to believe a man like Hawke could do the things he’d done to his Anders, but now...now he looked like the animal he knew him to be.

“You.” Hawke growled the word, absolutely seething at the sight of the dwarf. “You took him from me. I’ll kill you. You’re a dead man, Varric.” His voice was raw and uneven. He hadn’t used it in quite awhile.

The guard looked to Varric, not appearing a bit surprised by Hawke’s behavior. “Are you sure you want to do this?” The man clearly wasn’t ready for visitors, even after months alone.

“I’m sure. I can wait until he’s ready to listen.” Varric moved to take the seat on the other end of the table. He watched Hawke tug at his restraints and he rested his forearms on the table, lacing his fingers together, waiting patiently. The other man looked pathetic in his fruitless rage and he couldn’t help but be relieved to see it. He couldn’t hurt anyone. He was a monster, but he was a harmless monster here. He thought he’d feel better when Hawke calmed, but the sight made his stomach turn. When Hawke went quiet, he sat there trembling, staring the dwarf with a haunting intensity.

“Hawke?” Varric asked when enough time had passed in silence, the man’s eyes unnerving him. “I came here because we need to talk. I know I’m the last person you want to see...but can we talk?”

Hawke simply stared for a few beats longer, then nodded. When was the last time someone had asked him a question? When was the last time someone had expected a response from him?

“I’m here because Anders heard about you being kept like this. You’re exactly where you belong after all you’ve done to him, but not even he wants to see you in solitary confinement.” Varric knew that mentioning the mage would grab Hawke’s attention, but he already had it. The man had been fixated from the moment he’d started talking. But the mention of Anders had made his eyes glass over with tears.

“How is Anders? Is he here with you?” Hawke looked toward the door, but only saw the guard.

“It’s not any of your business how Anders is.” Varric’s tone was harsher than he expected it to sound, but he didn’t make an effort to soften it. “You’ve lost any right to know how he is and especially _where_ he is. If it were up to me, I’d let you rot right where you are. But I’m here because Anders wants better for you. You might not have cared when you left him alone in the dark for weeks on end, but he’s a better man than you.” He saw Hawke’s eyes shift to the door again and he sighed. “He’s not here. He _never_ wants to see you again. But he cares enough that he wants you to work your way out of solitary. That should mean something to you.”

Tears rolled down Hawke’s cheeks and after a long pause, he nodded. It did. It did mean something that Anders cared. That he’d send someone here, even if it was the dwarf, to communicate with him.

“You’re not going to get better if you’re trapped alone in the dark. If you have any hope for being let out into society again, you need to start by getting out of solitary. You never got your anger under control when you were a free man, but you’d better start now. Do what they tell you to and keep your temper in line. I’ll talk to Aveline and maybe she’ll advocate for trying to transition you back to general population over the next month or so. If you can keep your head on straight. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it because Anders wants you to and you owe it to him.” It was hard to tell how closely Hawke was listening to him while he just kept giving him that eerie stare. “Okay?”

“I’ll do it. For him.” Hawke agreed softly. When Varric started to stand from the table, his heart stuttered and he tugged at his bindings again. “Wait! Wait, please. Please don’t go. Just stay a little while longer. Please? You can yell at me or whatever you want. Just talk to me…”

The dwarf was stunned. Hawke had been threatening his life when he came in. Now he was pleading with him to stay. Shaking, weeping, begging. His stomach turned. He loathed this man, but could he really leave him like this? He reluctantly eased back down into his seat and sighed. “I don’t have anything else to talk to you about. ...But if you want, I could tell you a story before I go.” His stomach gave a fresh turn at the relieved nod from Hawke. He could stay a little longer and let the man hear another voice for a bit before he’d be returned to his cell. He chose a classic, one Hawke probably had heard before, and when he finished, he bid him farewell and rose from his seat again. This time Hawke didn’t protest, but he could see the despair in the other man as he took his leave.

When he returned to the room he shared with Anders, he was pale and rattled by what he’d seen. But when he stepped inside, he still managed a smile for his mage. “Hey, Blondie.”

\---

The wait was agonizing. It was silent and still in the room and Anders held Lucy in his arms, trying to take what comfort he could in her. The time passed slowly and when he heard the door, he jumped, the cat falling from his arms as his eyes sought his staff. When the door opened, his weight shifted, but then he saw who it was and he let out a breath.

“Varric…” He was on his feet and moving to him, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his weight into him.

\---

Varric embraced him tightly, settling his cheek against his lover’s chest. He’d known it would be difficult to see Hawke, but it had been far different than he imagined and he was eager to take the comfort given to him. “Was I gone long enough for you to miss me?” He asked, hoping to keep things light despite how heavy everything felt.

\---

He nodded. “I missed you.” His heart was beating quickly. “Did you see him?” He didn’t mean to change the subject so suddenly, but he wanted to know what happened and he was anxious to hear about Hawke’s predicament. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought and maybe he was just doing his time.

\---

“I did see him. I didn’t think he was going to listen to me at first, but I think I got through to him.” He kept his arms tight around Anders, rocking them both gently by shifting his weight between his feet. “You don’t need to worry about him. He’ll do better.”

\---

Somehow he was surprised to hear it. He’d listened? Had he really listened, or had he pretended to listen? Even hearing the best case scenario he could’ve hoped for, he couldn’t help but be doubtful. So what had been the point of this? It wasn’t for him, he reminded himself, it was for Hawke.

If he did better, than it had been worth it. If not, then it still had been worth it because they’d tried.

“Okay, thank you.” It meant a lot that he’d gone for him and he knew that it couldn’t have been easy for him.

\---

“You were right. I didn’t realize how bad he’d be after months alone like that.” He wanted Anders to know that he’d been kind to him. Even if he didn’t deserve it. He knew Anders didn’t want him suffering. “I stayed and told him a story when we were done talking. I think it helped him feel better.”

\---

His expression turned solemn. “...Maybe he’ll find his peace.” He sounded as doubtful as he felt, but he wanted that for him. He really did. The only difference between his opinion now and his opinion then was that Hawke’s peace couldn’t and wouldn’t include him.

\---

“He might. He’s at least willing to try now that he knows you want him to.” He patted his back gently as he held him. “It was a kindness you didn’t owe him. But it might be what he needs.”

\---

“I don’t think my kindnesses ever helped.” If it did, then he was glad. “Do you want to go on a walk?” Again, the change in subject was abrupt, but he didn’t want to think about the man any more. He’d felt cooped up while he waited and he could use some fresh air and a stretch.

\---

“I do. Just stay like this with me for a minute, okay?” He needed Anders and he wasn’t ready to release him just yet. He nuzzled his cheek against the mage’s chest, closing his eyes and listening to his heart. He didn’t need to think about Hawke - the things he’d done to Anders and the hell he was living now to repent for it. Right now he wanted Anders to overwhelm his senses and help him relax.

\---

“Are you okay?” He didn’t seem okay and that was probably to be expected after what he’d done, but he wanted to make sure there wasn’t something wrong.  Something that he wasn’t telling him.

\---

“I’m always okay, Blondie.” He was fine, now that he was home with his man. “I just want you to hold me a little while before we go.” He felt so much better in his arms and he wasn’t ready to give it up.

\---

“I can do that.” He kept a secure hold on him, stroking his hand over his back. He would hold him for as long as Varric wanted him to, even if that meant postponing their walk for another time.

\---

“I knew I could count on you for a quick cuddle.” The hand on his back was soothing and just what he needed. He just needed a moment like this, then they could go. The fresh air might do some good for him too. But right now, he didn’t feel like anything could do more good for him than Anders.


	62. Chapter 62

The biggest change in Anders came when they moved the clinic. Rather than open another, they’d decided it would be best to simply move the current one to another location. It went from a place that he couldn’t bear to go alone to a place he could take his power back. The new location was better in almost every way - still in Darktown, but close to Lowtown. It was closer to Varric and though it had frightened him to go alone the first time, after that, he’d found that he could handle it better than he thought.

He’d all but picked up where he left off. When Varric didn’t need him, he went to the clinic and spent his day working, and rather than work alone, like before, he chose to keep the nurses around to help him and ease the load. After all they’d done, he couldn’t imagine taking it away from them. The clinic had never really been his anyway. It was everyone’s and though he took care of it, without them, it wouldn’t be there. They were appreciated and it gave him time to take care of himself, as well as everyone else.

As he got more and more comfortable, he noticed the change in how people regarded him. The people he helped had always treated him with respect, but the reverence he found himself subject to was something else. People stopping in the streets to come and speak to him, asking for his help. Not just with injuries or illnesses, but with everything. The more he helped, the more help he received in turn. The clinic was receiving so many donations that Varric was no longer having to pay for it out of pocket and he finally saw for himself what Varric had tried to tell him - not only was he being treated differently, there was a change in the attitude about mages.

The petition that Varric had spoken of had been thrown out, as expected, and the mages in the Gallows were hardly better off, but the shift were still there, just under the surface. Though they’d been working with Varric, and Anders by extension, the Mage Underground was quick to get back into contact with him once he reestablished himself. He learned about how many had since joined the cause and how better able they were to ensure the safety of mages both outside and inside the Circle. With Varric’s help, they saw him as the face of the rebellion and they encouraged him to continue as he was, to make a bigger name not only for himself, but for all mages.

It was a lot to handle and his feelings on Kirkwall hadn’t changed, but he always had Varric to fall back on. Varric who was with him through every step of the way, not only helping him, but helping prop him up. He never would’ve made a name for himself without him, even after all he’d done. He’d always been nothing more than the secretive, but helpful healer of Darktown. It wasn’t until Varric had started telling his stories that he really stood out. In some way, it made him wonder if Hawke’s rise had actually been thanks to Varric.

It had been a pretty easy day in the clinic. There were no crises to speak of, so Anders was taking the time to rinse out and disinfect old jars so that they could be reused with the next batch of salves. He was checking in with the nurses when he needed to, but was otherwise keeping to himself when a mage walked in.

“Derric,” he greeted him, stopping what he was doing and moving to a more secluded spot. Derric was the leader of the Mage Underground and they’d worked together closely in the past and even more so now.

“Anders, it’s good to see you.”

They talked for a time, Derric updating him on a situation they’d been working on. It was nothing serious, but something that couldn’t wait until their next meeting. “You can tell Varric that we’re alright on help for now - that warrior friend of yours has been more help that we could’ve hoped.”

“Warrior friend?” Who were they talking about? Aveline? Surely not.

“The elf. Fenris.” He’d known them to work together, or at least to have both worked with Hawke. He was well aware of all that Fenris had done with Hawke, but the elf had taken great strides to make up for his mistakes.

Anders stared at him. “Fenris has been helping you?” When given confirmation, he gaped.

“...Is that a problem?” Derric was confused, having thought that he knew about this.

“Yeah, that’s a problem. Derric, I have to go, thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to you again soon.” Without giving him a chance to respond, he started out of the clinic. He needed to talk to Varric.

\---

Varric was out in town, making his rounds and getting some work done while Anders was busy in the clinic. He went all over Kirkwall on any given day, but he'd taken Anders along with him on some of the days the mage hadn't wanted to be alone, so he'd at least have some guesses for where to look.

The dwarf was currently near the market, taking a report from a wealthy-looking man who looked by his coloring as if he may be Rivaini like their neighbor in the tavern. When he saw the mage approaching, he dismissed himself from the conversation, moving to meet him. It wasn't like Anders to walk through the city alone and if he was seeking him out before the clinic closed, something was wrong.

\---

As soon as he was in earshot, Anders greeted him with, “We need to talk.” He took hold of his arm and started to walk him even further away. He wanted some semblance of privacy and so pulled him until there was no one earshot.

\---

“What happened?” Varric understood the need for discretion well enough, but his heart was racing as he was pulled to someplace quiet. “Did something happen at the clinic?”

\---

“No, except that Derric came to talk to me and he told me that they’ve been getting help from a certain someone. A certain elf.” He looked at him closely. “Did you talk to Fenris behind my back?”

\---

His eyes widened a little but he shook his head. “I haven't talked to him since he was in our room, Blondie. Anything he's doing with the Underground has nothing to do with me.” It was only going to be a matter of time before Anders found out about Fenris’ involvement and he'd known he wasn't going to take it well. But he was at least relieved that there was no disaster at the clinic. “Is that what you're so worked up about? You think I had something to do with this?”

\---

“You’re seriously going to tell me that you had nothing to do with it? That you didn’t know?” He was looking at him skeptically. Varric knew everything and especially within the Underground.

\---

“I never said that I didn't know.” He’d known for several weeks. “But I did say that it has nothing to do with me. I haven't seen him or heard from him since you have. I told you I wouldn't talk to him and I meant it.”

\---

“So you knew, but you thought it would be best not to tell me, is that it?” He was just upset about that. “You know how I feel about this and you kept it from me!”

\---

“It's out of my hands, Blondie. If he wants to act on his own, I can't stop him.” Or at least he felt he shouldn't stop him. “It was only going to upset you to tell you and it doesn't affect us anyway.”

\---

“It does affect us. He can’t be trusted and you thought that didn’t matter. That I shouldn’t be told because you knew I would do something about it!” He was hurt that he’d kept this from him, knowing exactly why he had.

\---

“There's nothing to do about it. He's acting independently and if he's helping the Underground, that's up to their discretion.” He folded his arms over his chest. “It doesn't affect us.”

\---

“You didn’t tell me.” He shook his head at him. “ _You kept it from me._ ” He couldn’t stand to look at him. “Is that all you’ve kept from me?” He’d kept Hawke’s situation from him and he’d understood that much, but now he’d kept this from him as well.

\---

“I kept it from you because it would upset you for no reason! I keep things from you because I don't like to see you hurt over things I have no control of.” He sighed heavily. “I kept a lot from you about my visit with Hawke. Would it have been better to give you every painful little detail?”

\---

“I’m not a child,” he snapped, looking back at him with a scowl. “I don’t need you to keep things from me because you think I can’t handle them. I’m not broken!” He’d certainly felt like it for a time, but less so with every passing day. “Don’t you use him to change the subject!”

\---

“I'm not! I'm explaining why I don't tell you everything…” He looked up to him with a frown. “I'm a spymaster. I know a _lot_ of what goes on and a lot of the time, they're things I wish I didn't have to know. I don't keep things from you because I think you can't handle them. I do it because it's a kindness not to know.”

\---

“So this was a kindness? Because it would have been so cruel to tell me?” He didn’t believe him. “I can’t believe you’d keep it from me. How am I supposed to trust you?”

\---

“Yes! Because you were fine before someone opened their big mouth and told you! He's doing what he feels he owes the mages and he's stayed far away from you. There was no good to come from telling you.” He shook his head. “You wound me, Blondie. I told you I wouldn't talk to him and I didn't. That's how you can trust me.”

\---

“That’s how you justify it? It’s okay to keep things from me because what I don’t know won’t upset me?!” He threw his arms out. “You know what? Forget it. I’ll deal with this by myself.” He turned from him, not having anything else to say to him and too angry to remain in his presence.

\---

“There's nothing to deal with! No harm is being done!” He called after him, but didn't chase him. If Anders was determined go convince the Underground to cut ties with Fenris, so be it.

\---

He whirled. “Yes there is! He can’t be trusted! If he changed his mind, if he changed his ways, I would be the first person he’d have to talk to. I’d be the first person he’d have to convince, but he can’t even do that much because he doesn’t _mean_ it!” At this point Anders was yelling, red with anger. “He can’t face me because he’s a coward and the first chance he gets, he’s going to kill a blood mage or an innocent mage he thinks is a blood mage because that’s what he is!”

\---

“He _can't_ talk to you. You hate him so much, you can't hear him out. He tried to talk to me about changing his ways, but you couldn't even stand hearing him talk then.” He tried to keep his tone even, as impatient as he felt about this. “The best way he could possibly convince you would be to show you his intentions by helping the mages. He's been doing that for weeks now.”

\---

“You know what, Varric? If you think so highly of him, why don’t you go fuck him instead?” The words slipped from his lips and it was too late to take them back, but right now, he didn’t really care. He turned again, storming off with a thundercloud over him.

\---

“Is that where we're at? I don't think he'll harm the mage cause so you think I should go fuck him?” This time Varric did pursue him, hot on the heels of his fuming mage. He knew he didn't mean it, but the fact that he said it at all upset him.

\---

“Just leave me alone. You clearly think so much more of him than you do of me.” He was so worked up that he couldn’t help himself from continuing. “You know where to find him.”

\---

“You know that's not true. You're lashing out and you know that isn't fair.” He kept walking with him, not wanting him to walk off this angry. “If you don't want to be around me right now, that's okay. But we can't part on this note.”

\---

“Then why are you defending him?” He stopped suddenly, turning back to him, though now they were no longer secluded and there were people around. “To the point that you hide things from me? Why is him ‘making up for his mistakes’ more important than making sure he means it? Why am I always the bad guy with him!?”

\---

“I'm defending him because I've never known him to be a liar. If he's doing something good, I don't want to stop him.” He said softly, not wanting to make a scene. “You're not the bad guy. _He_ made you regard him the way that you do.” He reached out tentatively to touch his arm. “We don't have to finish this conversation right now if you don't want to. I just don't want us to ever part so angry with each other…”

\---

“You’re defending him, but you’re not defending me. He tried to _kill_ me because of what he believed and I’m the one that’s unreasonable? He can’t handle a couple questions, but that’s _my_ fault. I just ‘wouldn’t hear him out’.” He pulled his arm back from him. “He’s the one that would _never_ hear me out. It took Hawke beating me and imprisoning me for him to even stop and think, if that’s even what he did, but how cruel of me to want answers.” He was so worked up that his eyes were watering, but the rage masked it well.

\---

“I will always defend you. I want you two as separate as possible because of how he's treated you and how being around him makes you feel.” He frowned deeply, but didn't reach for him again. “I never accused you of being cruel or unreasonable with him.”

\---

“You do when you ignore how I feel and keep secrets from me because you think you know better.” He was so hurt and he was sure he’d hurt him too. If anything, he was just proving his point. “If Fenris meant this, he would’ve talked to me, but he didn’t. He doesn’t mean it, but clearly you can’t see that.”

\---

“I really don't think he’d talk to you, just by the way you regarded him when he came to talk to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with you being distrustful of him, he's more than earned all of your animosity. If you're willing to talk to him, I'm sure he'd tell you whatever you want to know.” He felt guilty, but he still felt he’d done the right thing keeping it from him at least for awhile. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I felt like it was the kinder thing to do and I didn't know I would hurt you…”

\---

“No, I’m not willing to talk to him, not when he couldn’t be bothered to apologize - the absolute _least_ he could have done if wanted to right his wrongs.” He wasn’t really satisfied with Varric’s apology, either. “Clearly it wasn’t kind, was it?” He folded his arms and looked around them, finding that they were being watched by more than a few people.

\---

“I know he owes you an apology. I told him so. Maybe he feels like helping the mages is enough, but I hope he does tell you that he's sorry.” He shook his head. “It wasn't, but I thought it would be. I'd never keep something from you maliciously and I hope you know that.”

\---

“He won’t.” He wasn’t going to give him a reason to, either. He fully intended on talking to Derric and letting him know why they needed to stay far away from the warrior. “I don’t want you keeping anything from me ever again.” He didn’t like it and he knew he wouldn’t be able to trust his judgment.

\---

“I will try. It's just...not something I'm used to. Having someone I can and _should_ tell everything. Secrecy is how I've kept myself and my brother alive all this time.” Even if he was agreeing to try, his gut told him it was the wrong thing to do. “I’m sorry, Blondie. It’s just an adjustment I’ll have to make.”

\---

“It really bothers me that you’re comparing this to things like that. It’s not the same. If this was like that, I wouldn’t be so upset with you.” He tightened the fold of his arms. “I don’t want to talk about this with all these people watching. I’m sure you’re plenty busy, anyway - I’m going to go back to your room.”

\---

“ _Our_ room. I have some things to finish up, but none of it is more important than this.” He was anxious about Anders leaving him while he was still angry and he offered a hand to him. “Why don’t we walk back together?”

\---

He looked at the hand and after a beat, he reached to take it. He started to head back to the Hanged Man, not fuming nearly as much as he had, but still not happy. When they reached the room and he stepped inside, he let go of him, moving to sit down at the table and looking tired as he did so.

\---

Varric felt better for the contact between them and when Anders released him to sit down, he went to grab some ale from his shelf, pouring a little for each of them. He set one in front of his mage, then took a seat. “I love you, Blondie. I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

\---

He looked down at his hands, then reached for the drink. “I love you too, Varric. I just feel like you don’t understand why this upsets me.” He looked over at him and a lot of the anger was gone, leaving behind the hurt.

\---

“I didn’t, but I think I do now.” He sipped at his drink, studying him. “I felt like leaving any updates I got about him out of my conversations with you would be best because the mention of him would upset you. But it was the wrong thing to do because I should have given you the information and let you decide what to do with it. You feel like I don’t trust your judgment and made a decision based on what I feel is best for you. Am I on the right track?”

\---

“Yes, but you also don’t understand why I’m upset about him. You act like I’m unreasonable. You defend him and make excuses for him and it’s all fine because you think he has good intentions and that’s all that matters.” He hands were tight on his drink, but he had yet to lift it. “You blame me for him being unapologetic and unwilling to own up.”

\---

“I don’t though. I’ve said he’s earned your distrust and he owes you an apology at the very least. I wish you could hear him out, but I understand why you can’t. I’d never push you to, not after how he’s treated you.” He sipped his ale again, noticing that Anders hadn’t tasted his. “I do think he’s trying to do something better than he has before. That’s why I’ve defended him as far as letting him help the Underground.”

\---

His jaw clenched. “When did I ever indicate that I wasn’t going to hear him out? I let him into the room, didn’t I? I let him talk, didn’t I? He just didn’t like what I had to say about what he had to say. He’s a fucking asshole, but according to you I should’ve just kept my mouth shut, I suppose.” He was so bitter about him. He felt he’d gotten off easy, considering everything that Hawke was going through, even after accounting for what Hawke had done to him.

\---

“He wasn’t being an asshole at the time. I think it could have been a more productive conversation, but it wasn’t and I don’t fault you for reacting that way to him.” He frowned, toying with his drink rather than taking another sip. “I know it upset you that I wanted to talk to him at all. That’s why I agreed not to meet with him or work with him for you.”

\---

“I don’t even understand why you’d want to, but whatever.” He finally took a drink, but he didn’t look any better for it. “I’m going to talk to Derric about this. I’ll tell him why he can’t be trusted and if has any sense, then this will no longer be an issue.” Really, if Fenris meant it. If he truly meant it, and he was working to undo the pain he’d caused, then Anders would be willing to let it go, but he just didn’t believe it and he didn’t think it was safe.

Figuring that was all that needed to be said about that, he moved on. “I don’t like feeling this way about you.”

\---

“If it makes things any better, I can talk to Derric. I’ll tell him myself to cut ties with Fenris.” He didn’t know what else he could do to make amends. He lowered his eyes at the next thing he said, hurt by the words. “I don’t like it either. I told you I’ll work on it.”

\---

“No, I can do it.” He didn’t want Varric intervening. He was quiet for a time, everything that had been said repeating in his mind. “...I don’t remember the last time I was allowed to be angry.” He’d had to hold in his anger with Hawke, to be nothing but appeasing because if he dared feel anything contrary, he would be struck. “In some way it feels like a good thing. I’m not afraid to be angry.” He didn’t want to be angry and he didn’t like feeling this way, but the fact that he could feel this way was somewhat refreshing.

\---

“You’re allowed to be angry. As angry as you like.” He hadn’t raised his eyes yet and took another drink. “I just didn’t want you to _leave_ angry. It’s probably a superstitious thing, but I was afraid if we parted like that and something happened...I wouldn’t want our last memory of each other to be a fight. It’s stupid I know...but I felt better that we didn’t part on a note like that.”

\---

He looked at him and then softened. “Varric…” He finally let go of his drink and reached for him, wanting to be in his arms all of a sudden.

\---

He looked up at the change in his tone and when he saw the reach, he rose from his chair. He moved to climb into Anders’ lap, as he still did once in awhile, and wrapped his arms around him. “Is that fair? We can be angry as long as we don’t _part_ angry?”

\---

He nodded, hugging him and feeling so much better to be close to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said… It just felt like you cared more about him than you did about me.” He knew that he didn’t, but the way he’d defended him and his decisions had hurt him.

\---

“I knew you didn’t mean it. And you know there’s no one I care about more than you.” He kissed his cheek and though he knew it wasn’t the best time to flirt, he couldn’t help himself. “I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, but your eyes have a very pretty glint to them when you’re angry.”

\---

He smiled weakly, tucking their faces together so they were cheek to cheek. “I love you… Promise not to lie or keep things from me?” He’d already said so, but he just wanted to make sure this was established.

\---

“I love you too. And I promise to try. I won’t lie about or hide anything important from you, at least.” He kissed his cheek again. Lying to Anders was one of his favorite things, after all. The sweet little white lies about things like where his gifts came from that Anders already knew he wasn’t being truthful about.

\---

He nodded, brushing their cheeks together and then finding his lips. “I’m sorry. There’s a lot I haven’t worked through.” That much was clear to him. Still, it did feel good that he could have such a release of emotion and have it safely. In that way, he trusted Varric in a way that he could have never trusted Hawke.

\---

“I know.” He murmured and kissed him again. “And I have a lot to learn about relationships.” Real and healthy ones, not like the one he’d known before. “I’m just glad you weren’t afraid of me when you were angry. I think that’s a good sign.”

\---

“...I think that’s part of why I got so angry. I needed it.” He wished it hadn’t been necessary, though, that he hadn’t needed to vent so much pent up anger on him. “If something happens to me, I want you to only have good memories of me.” Nothing bad. He didn’t want to fight with him or even argue with him.

\---

“That’s why I want to make sure we always make up before we leave. If I get hit by a runaway carriage or something, I want you to remember me kissing you and telling you how beautiful you are. Not some fight.” He nuzzled his cheek and kissed the corner of his lips.

\---

“Do you really have to go back out?” He didn’t want him to. He wanted to spend the rest of the day with him. If Varric had to go, maybe he’d just go with him, so they could stay together. “I want to spend the rest of the day with you.” He accented the request with a kiss that he refused to release.

\---

He made a soft sound when he found himself locked in the kiss. He wasn’t all that rushed to answer the question. He slid a hand back into Anders’ hair, closing his eyes and melting into the kiss. As if there was any chance he’d say no to spending the day with him after a kiss like this.

\---

He was content with the lack of answer, taking it for his answer. He didn’t feel the need to do anything more than this, happy to kiss  him until their lips were raw. He loved him so much and he never wanted to feel that way about him again, so he much preferred replacing all of that with all of this.


	63. Chapter 63

The following weeks were an improvement. To Varric’s surprise, his lover had run into the elf they’d argued over and had gotten the apology he wanted. He didn’t think they’d all be getting together for cards anytime soon, but at least they were working together for a common cause. Anders had even let him speak with the elf again, which he hoped would not only allow them to work more productively together, but would also mend some of the animosity between the men over time. It was better than he could have hoped for.

All was going well at least until he’d caught a virus from one of his contacts when he’d been out working. He’d undoubtedly be far more ill if he wasn’t so lucky to live with a healer to fuss over him, but he was still miserable. His fever had been high for the first couple days and he’d been without a voice for that time as well - a miserable thing for a man who liked to hear himself talk as much as Varric.

He was feeling a little better after a few days in bed and he’d managed to convince Anders to go back to the clinic at least for a partial day. He was going stir-crazy himself, not used to staying in his room for days on end. He’d had some hot tea with honey to help his aching throat and with his appetite returning, he’d managed to eat enough to have the energy to get out of bed. As such, he’d spent a few hours at his table, a cool cloth on his forehead to soothe the heat radiating from his skin as he worked. He needed to do _something_ , after all.

He wrote some letters, then worked away at one of his books for a little while. It was a nice way to pass the time, but he kept finding his mind wandering. His muse was elsewhere. Anders had asked him if he meant to put some of the poetry he spouted about his love on paper, but he’d been so busy he had never put much thought into it. He began to scribble down some of his thoughts, but he decided quickly that anything he wrote down wasn’t going to be enough. What he felt for Anders was too much for words alone to express.

He was slow rising from the chair and making his way over to his bookcase, weak from his fever. But he still cracked a smile as he found the case for his lute and opened it. How long had it been since he’d played? Quite a while, but he knew the muscle memory would still be there.

When he had it properly tuned once more, the dwarf moved to sit on the edge of their bed and propped the lute up on his lap. He started to experiment with chords, looking for something that felt right. Something pretty and perhaps a little poignant, but ultimately upbeat. It took him some time to find it, and once he did he took his time playing with the music and enjoying the construction of the song itself. It had been far too long since he’d written one and he couldn’t think of a better subject.

His throat was still too sore to be singing, but by the time he was adding words, he rather liked the soft, raspy quality of his voice. One good thing about being sick, he supposed. “Fire dances at his fingertips, but the flame he ignites is inside me. The winter embers of his hair, the molten gold of his eyes. My world before him was always so cold, but he is the fire…” He paused, reaching to scratch a note on his parchment and picking up somewhere else. “Fire dances at his fingertips and lights up the nights I once spent alone. The trees outside the city were bare, but with him they dance with starlight. He brings heat and light and love with him that I had never known…”

\---

Though his mind was in the clinic, Anders’ heart was elsewhere. He was thinking about Varric, worried about him even though he knew that he was fine. He would be just as he’d left him when he returned and yet, while he was sick, it was difficult not staying at his side. It wasn’t enough to be a distraction, but when he’d done enough that he was no longer needed, he didn’t hesitate to take his leave.

He could’ve stayed longer, but he didn’t want to.

When he returned to the room, he unlocked the door and slipped inside. “Hello, love,” he spoke, before he even looked over to see what he was doing, locking the door behind him.

\---

Varric startled, having been playing his lute and unable to hear the lock turning in the door. “Hey, Blondie. I didn’t think you’d be home so early.” He was quick to set his instrument aside, grabbing the parchment he’d been scribbling on and folding it. “How was the clinic today?”

\---

He turned to look at him in surprise. “...What’s this then?” He moved further into the room, looking at him hastily trying to hide what he was doing. “Aren’t you supposed to be sick?” He was surprised to see the instrument and he realized that the sounds he’d heard coming up the stairs had been coming from their room.

\---

“I’m a good faker.” He smirked, though the stark contrast of the red flush of his cheeks against his pale skin was enough of a giveaway that his fever was still high. He set his lute back into its case, tucking the parchment beneath it.

\---

“I didn’t know you played the lute.” He moved closer to him and sat down on the bed beside him, leaning in to kiss a warm cheek. “What were you doing?” He was interested, especially since he was intent on putting it away.

\---

“I got bored here without you and a little inspiration hit me. I haven’t wanted to write a song in ages.” He leaned into him and nestled his cheek into his shoulder after the kiss. He was tired and though he didn’t really want to lay down, it was nice to have Anders take a little of his weight. “That’s probably why you didn’t know I played. I haven’t wanted to in a long time.”

\---

“You’re writing a song?” His brows lifted and he grinned. “Come on, I want to hear what you have.” He reached for the lute and pulled it right back out, though rather than give it him, he pulled it in and played a few notes, and though the gist of what he was going for was there, it was out of tune.

\---

“You don’t want to hear an unfinished song…” Varric chuckled when he started to play with the lute himself. “There you go. You can play something for me instead. You’re a natural, Blondie.”

\---

He rolled his eyes, but continued to play. It sounded awful, but he was smiling, some semblance of a song coming together. “I do want to hear an unfinished song. If I’d known you written songs, I’d have asked sooner.” He stopped suddenly and then offered it back to him. “Go on, you can’t tell me you write songs and not show me.”

\---

“Alright, alright.” He took the lute, playing a couple practice chords on it. “But you have to keep in mind that it needs a lot of work. I just started it a little bit before you got home.” He began to play the music he’d come up with, enjoying it the more he heard it. It was the perfect tune for a song about Anders. He played for a little while before he added in the words, watching Anders as he began to sing. It was all he could do to keep a sheepish smirk off his lips, particularly when he got to the lines about his hair and his eyes, knowing it would take him no time at all to realize who the song was about.

\---

The lute sounded much better in the dwarf’s hands and already the mage was enthralled. By the time it came to singing, Anders was already enthused and the sound of his voice, even as rough as it was, was wonderful. When what was being sung settled, his expression went from excited to shocked, visibly warming and then melting.

\---

When he saw the words were sinking in, he couldn’t keep the smile from his face. There weren’t many words to his song just yet, but he repeated them to make a performance out of what he had before he ended with a little flourish from the lute. “It’s nowhere near finished. But if you like, I can show you the entire song once it’s done.”

\---

Rather than answer, he threw himself onto him, barely taking care to avoid the instrument. He wrapped his arms around his neck and clung to him. He couldn’t find the words to express how he felt, but he was overcome with emotion. It was a bit silly, really, since Varric spent a lot of time speaking sweetly to him, but the effort he was putting into writing a song was something else.

\---

He was feeling chilled from his fever and he was all the more eager to cling back to Anders. He nestled his cheek against him, happy to be in his arms and soak up all the affection from him. “Does this mean you like the song a little bit?”

\---

“A little bit,” he murmured softly, stroking his fingers through his hair. “My sweet dwarf.” So endlessly sweet. So good to him. Always taking care of him, always making sure he felt loved and appreciated. “You’ve so many talents. You astonish me everyday - it’s no wonder you’ve taken my heart.”

\---

“And I stole your heart before you even heard me play.” He chuckled softly, but the sound changed partway into a cough. He’d been straining his voice a bit too much after just getting it back. “I wanted to write you a poem, but it didn’t feel like enough. You need a song.”

\---

“You did.” And he trusted him to protect it. Even after hurting him, Anders trusted him, knowing that he would never do it on purpose. Perfect as their relationship was, it couldn’t always be without hiccups, but he knew from their interactions since then that they were both working to prevent it from ever happening again.

“A beautiful song,” he added, pulling back from him. “I don't deserve you, but I ought to try. Lay down, let me get you something to drink.” He took the lute from him, wanting to put it away for him so he could focus on getting comfortable.

\---

“Some chilled rum, perhaps?” He suggested with a smirk, knowing Anders probably had something more medicine in mind. He let him put his lute away and laid down, relaxing and realizing that he needed the rest. His damp cloth had been cast aside while he'd been sitting up but he sought it now and put it back on his forehead. “Any word from the Underground? Did anyone drop mail off for me at the clinic?” It drove him crazy to be out of the loop.

\---

He gave him a knowing smile, but went on to make him tea. “Nothing, which means you can continue to rest.” He brought the cup over while it was still steeping and sat on the edge of the bed. “And write my song, if you want.”

\---

“I'm not good at resting. I've never stayed out of trouble this many consecutive days in my life.” He said with a dramatic sigh, but really, it hadn't been so bad to have a few days off. And as good as rum sounded, the tea smelled really good too. “Since you got to hear your song before it's finished, do you have any requests? What would you want to hear in a song about you?”

\---

“I can’t do that. How vain would I have to be to tell you what to put in a song about me?” He nudged him, but was smiling. “I suppose if you really wanted you could put in a verse about how much you like my cock.” He snorted and lifted the tea up to sip it. Deeming it good, he offered it to him.

\---

“Be careful what you wish for. I just might do it.” In a flowery, indirect way, of course. He propped himself up enough to take the tea and take a sip. It felt perfect on his raw throat.

\---

He watched him and after a while, he spoke up. “Varric, if there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be? Answer honestly… As much as I love to hear about how perfect I am, I want to know.” He wouldn’t take it to heart, whatever it was.

\---

“One thing I could change?” He hadn't expected such a question. He seemed to give it some real thought, not wanting to brush it away with an easy answer. “That's tricky. I can only think of one little thing I could change and I don't even particularly like that one. If I changed anything, you wouldn't be my Blondie anymore.”

\---

He rolled his eyes. “Of course I would. If you wanted me to have a smaller nose, I’d still be me. I’d just be me with a smaller nose.” Or whatever it was he was thinking of. “Go on, tell me.”

\---

“I like your nose.” Varric sounded offended that Anders would even use that as an example. “If I could change one thing, I'd have you a little shorter. I love you long and lean, but I feel bad when you have to kneel to hold me. And that I can't kiss you while I make love to you. So that's the one thing I would change.”

\---

He smiled, amused. “You should’ve told me. There are ways around our height. You can kiss me while we make love, we just have to be a little creative about it.” He could scrunch up for him. He wasn’t as flexible as he use to be, but it was something he could work on, certainly. He _was_ a tall man so having a relationship with a dwarf definitely had its challenges, but he found it more endearing than frustrating.

\---

“I'm not going to have you contorted so I can kiss you. Obviously the easier solution would be for me to be taller.” He sat the rest of the way up and kissed his cheek. “Is that what you would change about me? Would you have me taller?”

\---

“You don’t want me in compromising positions?” He put on a disappointed voice. “Here I thought you’d like me all curled up and helpless.” He sat a hand on his arm and stroked it. “No, I like your height. It’s cute.” Probably not the word Varric would want to describe him, at least not in that way. “I don’t know what I would change.” He did like his appearance a lot. Everything from his looks to how he chose to dress himself up.

“It is tricky, isn’t it?” He didn’t know what to say. “Honestly, I’d probably give you a different job. Something that wasn’t so dangerous… something that didn’t keep us here.” They’d talked a little bit about how he’d felt about things, but he hadn’t really admitted that his feelings hadn’t changed. He was coping with it better, but he still wanted to leave.

\---

“Curled up and helpless? Nah. I like you all stretched out and writhing when I'm having my fun with you.” He smirked and shook his head. “That's not fair. You have to change something about _me,_ not my job.”

\---

“Your job is you.” To a point. He understood his protest, though, and he hummed. “I don’t know. This isn’t something I’d really change, but if you weren’t so rock solid, you’d be softer to snuggle.” He liked him as he was, though. He was so sexy and he loved tracing the lines of his muscles.

\---

“I can fix that. I like sweets. If I retired from my job _and_ ate more sweets, I'd be in much less danger and I'd be soft and cushy.” He chuckled and kissed his cheek again before sipping his tea.

\---

He gave his arm a squeeze. He was so strong and stout - he loved his body. If he softened up, though, he wouldn’t mind it. A little bit of chub would be cute on him. “I know you can’t change your job.” He could, but he wouldn’t. “But I was thinking… maybe there’s something we can change?”

\---

“Yeah?” He nestled into him, letting Anders take some of his weight again. He was tired, but he'd rather sit up with him than lie back down. “What do you want to change?”

\---

“Maybe we could get a place of our own? A place here in Lowtown… or maybe even Hightown.” Either way, he didn’t mind. He just didn’t want to live in the bar, fun as it could be, and he definitely didn’t want to live where Hawke could easily find them.

—

“Our own place…” He mused, considering the proposition. “I’d never really thought about it. I guess living in a tavern made more sense when I was a bachelor. I bet Lucy would like more space…” He looked down to where the cat was napping at the foot of the bed.

\---

“I’d like it. I never really had a place to call my own.” He had called Hawke’s place home, but even then, Hawke had bought it for his whole family. Not just for them and with how everything had ended up, he didn’t want to think of it that way. “Wouldn’t it be nice?” He was watching him intently, wanting to know how he actually felt about it.

\---

“It would be nice. My family lived in a little house when I was a boy.” He couldn't see himself living in a big mansion like Hawke's, as much as he enjoyed decadent living. “I'd just miss being able to go downstairs and tell my stories.”

\---

“The nice thing about houses is that you can leave them to go elsewhere,” he teased, brushing a few of his stray hairs back. He didn’t want to pressure him if he didn’t want to, but it was something he wanted himself.

\---

“Well, maybe we could stay in Lowtown at least. Then it wouldn’t be too far of a walk to get to the tavern.” He’d miss the Hanged Man a lot. He yawned softly and nuzzled his cheek into his shoulder. “What kind of house would you want, Blondie?”

\---

“I don’t know, honestly. I think I’d have to see what’s around to see if anything looks… right.” He felt like he’d know it when he saw it. “We could try to get a place close to the clinic, if you want to stay in Lowtown.” That would mean staying in the more run down part of Lowtown, but he wouldn’t complain.

\---

“We could. We’d just have to look at what people are selling.” He didn’t really care what part of town they were in, so long as the house itself wasn’t too rundown. “I don’t want anything that would take a lot of fixing up. Or anything too big.”

\---

“You don’t want a mansion to share with me?” He smirked, smoothing his hair back again, but this time just because. “I just want a place to call our own… and a place where I can lose myself moaning.” He kissed his cheek again, still warm. “As long as I can have that, I don’t care.”

\---

“No way. A bunch of unused rooms and lots of dusting? No thanks.” He closed his eyes and smiled, enjoying the little affections from him. “You won’t have to out-moan Rivaini anymore if we have our own place. Unless she moves into the house next door and gets even louder.”

\---

“Oh no, that’s definitely not allowed.” He doubted Isabela would ever get a place of her own, but if she did try to move in next to them, he’d have to talk to her. As much as he liked her and her company, he needed space. “We’ll at least need an extra bedroom. Just in case.” He wanted to have the option, even if they never used it.

\---

“Will we?” The suggestion surprised him. “You know me, I never had many slumber parties and when I did, I’d find a chair to sleep in. Who would use a guest bedroom?”

\---

“I don’t know… a friend stopping by and too drunk too leave. Maybe a mage that needs a safe place to stay for the night, before they continue on. I think it would be nice to have the room, should we need it. Maybe you’ll tire of me hogging your sheets with enough time.”

\---

“Oh please. You’d walk to the other room just to take my sheets no matter where I slept.” He chuckled and gave him a nudge. “You’re right, an extra room would be a good idea. Maybe two - it would be fun to have a room for entertaining. Cards, dice, drinks.”

\---

Anders laughed and gave him another kiss. “So a few rooms, plus a kitchen, a bathroom, a sitting room, what else? What about an office? To work on your writing?” Or to work in period?

\---

“My own office to work on my writing.” He’d never even imagined. Comfortable as he was, he opened his eyes and shifted to give Anders a kiss in return. “Maybe we could have an office. A place to keep all my books and a desk big enough for us both. Just in case you still want to keep me company while I work.”

\---

“Of course.” He decided he wanted to lay down with him, so he started to shift, bringing him with. “It sounds perfect, doesn’t it?” He wanted it and was growing excited as they talked about it. “Why don’t we start looking?” The sooner they could move, the better.

\---

               

“Sure.” He set his tea aside and settled down with him, seeking the heat of his body though he was sure his own skin was too hot to be comfortable for the mage. “Does that mean I can go out later so we can look?”

\---

In the rush of his excitement, he’d forgot that he was unwell. “I wish, but no. Another day or two, I think.” Unfortunate, but that was alright. He cared more for his health than anything else. “We can start looking as soon as you feel better.”

\---

“It was worth a shot.” He knew his mage didn’t want him out and about until he was recovered. “I really feel a lot better today. I couldn’t have sang you a song yesterday.” He didn’t feel great, but Anders had been taking good care of him and he was steadily improving.

\---

“Then maybe this time tomorrow we can start our search.” If not, it was no great loss. A day or two or even three wouldn’t change anything. “Until then, we can just talk about how we’ll decorate our house.” He sounded as excited as he felt and there was a smile on his face that just wouldn’t fade.

\---

“I’ll bet you’ve got a good eye for decorating.” He’d just never really had a place to decorate, after all. He yawned softly and tucked his head against Anders’ shoulder. They’d have their own space and he could even get Lucy an obnoxiously lavish bed of her own that she would never use since she’d still just sleep with them. The thought brought a smile to his lips as he rested.


	64. Chapter 64

“Is my room all set up for me to crash here tonight?” Isabela asked with a yawn, lounging back in her chair. On her first tour of their new home, she’d already claimed the guest bedroom as hers, which didn’t surprise Varric in the slightest.

“Yes, but I don’t think you’re staying here tonight. You’ve got to help Daisy get home.” Varric nodded toward the elf girl, who had drank a little too much and was giggling while she played with Lucy in her lap. They’d been in their new home long enough to get settled and decorate it to their liking, but this was the first time they’d had people over. They’d gotten to test out the game room Varric had wanted, inviting everyone over for cards and a few drinks. Everyone except Aveline, anyway. Even Fenris was invited and though it had been awkward between him, Anders, and Merrill at the beginning, eventually they’d all loosened up over a few drinks and had a good time.

There were cards and coin scattered over the table, empty tankards all around. Just the way Varric had always imagined having a room like this. His chair had ended up right up against Anders’ and he leaned into his lover as their guests started to grow weary and talk about settling in for the night. Even Pickles, who had come with the two women and had gleefully greated Anders at the start of the night was now yawning. Fenris was the first to rise from the table, looking a little bit unsteady. “You okay for the walk home, Broody?”

“I’m fine. Thank you for inviting me.” He said to Varric, then looked to Anders and gave him a nod as well before he went to the wall to get his sword and start heading out for the night.

\---

If the elf hadn’t gone out of his way to apologize to him, unprompted at that, he wouldn’t have been invited. He still didn’t like him and the feeling was obviously returned, but in a way… having everyone, or as near everyone as they dared, was kind of nice. It felt familiar.

Still, even after a night of fun and games, he was glad everyone was ready to go. He was drunk and tired and looking forward to crawling into bed with his dwarf. They’d only shared it few times since settling in and he was still getting use to thinking of this place and everything in it as his.

“Sorry my hands were so shit tonight,” he murmured to Varric, having lost all his coin that night on couple risky bets that hadn’t played out for him. “I’ll make it up to you as soon as they leave,” he went on, so quiet that the words were mumbled and difficult to make out.

\---

“Somehow I think you’ll be able to make up for it.” He murmured in return to him and nipped at his jaw. He’d loved the company, but he was also looking forward to having Anders alone. He watched as Isabela finally rose to her feet, stretching, then moving to Merrill to try to separate her from the cat. “Come along, Kitten. We need to start heading home. You too, Pickles.” She cooed and the mabari took that as his cue. He stood and stretched as well, shakin g out his coat before moving to Anders and giving his hand a lick.

\---

“Bye Isabela, Merrill.” When he felt the lick at his hand, he startled, but smiled. “Bye Pickles.” He gave the top of his head a scratch, as usual. He was glad that he’d been brought, always appreciating the mabari that had been his only companion for a time. He was a good dog and he was glad he was doing so well with Isabela.

\---

Isabela gathered her winnings and her comrades, then bade them goodnight and headed out. Lucy had been set on the table and she mewed, going to Anders as she sought a new lap to inhabit. “Yes, Lucy. You were the star of the show.” Varric assured her as he stood, starting to clean up the empty tankards.

\---

Anders didn’t hesitate to pull her up into his arms, scratching her behind her ears. “Everyone loves Lucy.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and rose to his feet. He stumbled a little, but caught himself and then started to the bedroom. “Come on, dwarf, let’s fuck.” He giggled at his own crudeness, but continued along, plopping onto their bed and all but purring himself as he kissed the crown of the cat’s head.

\---

Varric laughed with him, as much at his giggling as his words. “I was going to clean up, human, but that sounds way more fun.” He walked after him, fairly steady on his feet but with enough of a sway to give away that he'd had quite a bit to drink.

\---

As Varric came closer, he let go of Lucy and started to pull up the bottom of his robes. “I can offer you something to clean your mouth out with.” The dwarf had treated him a handful of times, but he was eager to come up with excuses that encouraged him to occupy his mouth.

\---

“Can you?” He asked, crawling onto the bed between his legs as the robes climbed higher up his lover's thighs. “It looks tasty.” He murmured when he was revealed and wasted no time taking him in his mouth. He didn't love doing it and he didn't feel he was very good at it, but the reactions from Anders were enough to make him enthused to keep trying.

\---

The comment made him smile and he it widened when he hastened to take him. “Is it then?” He’d gotten a sample, enough that he was beginning to thicken against his tongue.

\---

Rather than answer him, he rolled his tongue over him and began to suck. He couldn't take him deep like the mage could take him, which was frustrating and disappointing for him. He knew how good it felt. But he knew he was good with his tongue and he hoped he could do enough for him with it to make up for the shallow sucking.

\---

He didn’t mind his inexperience. He’d enjoyed it since his first attempt - the fact that it was Varric sucking him did a lot for him. Just seeing his mouth stretched around him. He made an approving sound and slid his fingers into his hair, loosening the tie that kept it up so it would fall into his face.

\---

His hand moved to stroke the base of him while he sucked on as much of him as he could get into his mouth. He didn't mind the hair falling into his eyes, knowing Anders would likely keep his hands in his hair and pull it out of his face anyway. He worked him thoroughly with his tongue, wanting to win moans from him as he got him hard.

\---

He did just that, sliding his hands deep into his locks. “You so stunning,” he murmured to him, his voice deepening as he grew in his mouth. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, somehow tired and hungry at all once.

\---

The compliment was welcome and he thanked him with a harder suck. He wanted to make it so good for him and he felt a little more confident about it each time he tried. It was the least he could do, considering how good Anders always made it for him. He was growing thick in his mouth, so he must be doing something right.

\---

His toes curled when his tongue danced delightfully against him, hitting him just so. He moaned and his thighs twitched, torn between opening or closing, causing them to tremble. “So stunning,” he repeated, but he seemed to be speaking to himself. He was feeling so needy for him, he wasn’t sure he would be able to be satisfied with only this.

\---

He was getting just what he wanted from him, but he knew he could do better. He’d only offered this to him a couple times, but he released his cock, using his hands to push his thighs back, seeking his entrance with his tongue. He rolled his tongue over it slowly, teasing it with soft lapping.

\---

He wasn’t expecting it and he squirmed as soon as he felt what he wanted. He whimpered and ended up tipping back, letting go of his hair in favor of holding his thighs for him. “Varric,” he moaned, toes curling harder. It wasn’t often he got this and he couldn’t get enough of his talented mouth.

\---

As odd as he’d felt about doing this the first time, it was a skill he had a little more confidence in. It was closer to what he knew he could do well. With Anders holding his own legs, it freed up his hands and he used one to start stroking his cock while he licked him. He plunged his tongue into him, starting to fuck him with it and enjoying the sound of his name moaned for him.

\---

As he’d wanted, he wasn’t worried about moaning too loudly here. In their home they had privacy and he could completely let go. He did just that, moaning with abandon whenever it felt so good that staying silent seemed impossible. “Varric, come here.” He reached for him, wanting him to crawl over him.

\---

Varric did as he was asked, releasing him and crawling up his body. He moved a little fast, considering the alcohol in his blood, and he slipped a little and fell onto Anders’ chest. He laughed at his own clumsiness, then climbed the rest of the way up to nuzzle their noses together. “Hi there, pretty mage.”

\---

He giggled. “I’m pretty?” He slid his arms around him and began brushing their lips together. It seemed like he couldn’t touch him enough, because his fingers kept curling into his tunic and tugging.

\---

“You’re very pretty. You just might be the prettiest person I’ve ever met.” He giggled with him and kissed his lips. “Why are we still wearing all these clothes?” They seemed very in the way as he felt Anders’ fingers tugging at them.

\---

“I think you’re telling me what I want to hear.” He nipped his lip. “You don’t think I’m _that_ pretty.” He agreed with what he had to say about their clothes, at least, and he slid his hands down to reach as far as he could, grabbing a handful of his tunic and pulling it up.

\---

“Oh, I think you’re that pretty.” He kissed him before he pulled away enough to help get his tunic off. Once it was out of the way, along with his trousers, he started to untie Anders’ robes, so practiced at undressing him that he was skilled even in his drunken state. “I think you’re so pretty, I just might spend the night with you.”

\---

He giggled again, but deeper. His eyes fell as his chest was bared and even though it would be more productive to help him with his robes, he couldn’t help but be distracted by the metal in his nipples. Any time his chest was bared, he couldn’t resist touching them and did so, giving them a tug.

\---

Varric made a soft, pleased sound. He like the way his mage’s fingers warmed the metal and the feel of the tug. He continued to disrobe him, not minding that he wasn’t getting any help from him. “I can show you how pretty I think you are.”

\---

“How are you going to do that?” He longed to give them a suck, but they were too far and for now, he needed his mouth more than anything. With that in mind, he captured him in a kiss, not giving him a chance to actually answer him.

\---

He made a soft sound into their kiss, what might have been an answer if he hadn’t been interrupted. Instead he took one of Anders’ hands and moved it down to his cock, thick and eager. His cock certainly thought he was pretty. He wanted him and it amazed him that no matter how many times he had this same man, he never tired of him. He only wanted more.

\---

  
As soon as he felt him, he was stroking and squeezing. He felt so good in his hand, he was even more eager while he was touching him. He could feel for himself how much he wanted him and his own hunger made the kiss all the hotter. “The oil,” he murmured, wanting to slicken him.

\---

He made a sound that was more like protest. He didn’t want to have to break away to get it, but of course, he’d much prefer to get it than take him dry. His kiss grew more demanding before he finally broke it, crawling off of him to get to the oil. They had plenty of it on hand so he only needed to reach the bedside table to get to it. “Warm it up, pretty mage.” He murmured as he handed it over to Anders.

\---

While he was up, he pushed his robes the rest of the way off and scooted up to the headboard. He wrapped his fingers about the bottle offered to him and his hand visibly glowed as he heated it within a heartbeat. “All done.” He opened it and coated his fingers with it, but rather than go right for his cock, he reached for his nipples again, pinching and pulling.

\---

“Blondie…” The heat of his fingers was always good, but the warmed oil made it even better. He leaned in to kiss him again, unable to get enough from it while he worked the piercings. He wanted him and his cock was starting to throb impatiently, but he knew it was a need that would be sated soon.

\---

He smiled, but it melted as he did into the kiss. He knew that neither of them remain patient for long, so he reached for his cock, coating him with the oil and giving it as much love and affection as he was his lips. He didn’t want the kiss to end and he was reminded of something he’d been told not all that long ago. “Come here,” he breathed, leaning back and curling up against the pillows, pulling his knees in and trying to make himself as accessible as he could. He wanted him to be able to kiss him while he made love to him.

\---

He watched as Anders curled himself up for him and smiled, settling between his legs but moving his hands to ease his knees down. “That looks uncomfortable…” He had forgotten he’d voiced his request to be able to kiss him while they were at it and he gave him a kiss now as the slick tip of his cock rubbed against the mage’s ass.

\---

It was uncomfortable, but only because he hadn’t gotten into positions like that in a long time. He let him ease him out of the extremeness of the position and when he was still able to reach him, he squirmed excitedly. “See? I told you!” He could take him like this and they could make out the entire time.

\---

It took him a moment to catch on and he chuckled softly as he reached down to position himself. It really was nice to be able to reach him. “Are you sure you won’t be uncomfortable? It’s not worth it if it’s not good for you…” He murmured, giving him another kiss just because he could.

\---

“I’m sure.” Even if it was uncomfortable, he wouldn’t care. Sometimes discomfort went nicely with sex and he would be happy to explore that with him. “As long as I still look pretty.” He probably didn’t look all that appealing as he was, but he was confident that was the least of the dwarf’s concerns.

\---

“You always look pretty.” He had gotten all of the assurance that he needed and he started to press slowly into Anders. He felt so good and the heated oil and the alcohol in his system only made it better. He groaned but muffled the sound against his lover’s lips, taking full advantage of the positioning.

\---

He moaned, his slickened fingers coming to clutch at his shoulders from behind. He kissed him deeply and since he was taking Varric’s cock, he decided that Varric could take his tongue and he slipped it in insistently. It muffled the both of them in the best way possible and it was all he could do to not pant into his mouth.

\---

Varric accepted his tongue eagerly, sucking on it when it slipped into his mouth. He could still taste the liquor on him and it made his kiss all the more hungry. He kept his thrusts strong but slow, wanting to savor and enjoy this. He wanted to make love to him, not give him a hasty fuck.

\---

The sucking felt so good and he returned the favor, but to his lips. Sucking hard enough to swell them. “I love you,” he whispered, as soon as he’d thoroughly sucked every bit of him. So hungry. He squeezed his shoulders, but that soon wasn’t enough and he slid his hands down to grip his ass.

\---

He moaned against his lips, the sound muffled as they sucked hungrily at each other. “I love you more.” The hold on his ass prompted him to take him a little harder, but not by much. He didn’t want this to get rough, not tonight.

\---

“No, I love _you_ more.” He groped him and groaned, pulling him in. Not trying to make him change anything, just encouraging him to continue as he was while he helped. His cock ached, but everything else was more important and he would deal with that when it came to it.

\---

He broke the kiss just long enough to shake his head, but quickly ignited the kiss once more. He didn’t want to lose the contact, no matter how raw his lips were. “You can’t. I love you more.” Being in him was so good and he gave a shiver of pleasure when he pushed into him especially deep.

\---

He smiled, but it didn’t take long for it to fade, his entire expression fixed with sensations. “I can and I do.” As long as Varric insisted he loved him more, he would argue with him. He felt the shiver and he sighed, so satisfied knowing his boyfriend was feeling so wonderful. He wanted it to feel as good for Varric as it did for him.

\---

“Not possible. Sorry, Blondie.” He never tired of the argument either. It was the only argument he enjoyed having with him. He stroked his fingers along Anders’ thighs, then reached down between them to take him in hand, stroking him in time with the rocking of his hips.

\---

“Possible. I said it first. Sorry, Varric.” He made soft sounds as he stroked him, giving up kissing in favor of simply resting against his lips, unable to help his panting at this point.

\---

“Saying it first doesn't make it true.” Though his retort melted into a low moan. He was needing to pant as well, but he still pecked his lips while they were so close. He was finally getting his wish and he didn't plan ending their kisses until they were finished.

\---

Anders’ gasped. “I said it first!” This was the first time that Varric hadn’t argued about who said it first and he was taking it as victory. As agreement. “I said it first and I love you more!” He sounded so excited, but his insistence was quickly broken with a shudder and a moan.

\---

“You said it first _tonight_.” Varric corrected and he silenced his moan with another kiss. He began thrusting into him harder and pumping him faster, as if meaning to win by making him moan too much to argue. “But I loved you first and I love you more.”

\---

“No.” The word faded into another muffled moan and was all the argument he could muster. He kissed him intently, broken by his heavy breaths. He was beginning to shake, one hand continuing to clutch at his ass and the other sliding up to hold him against him. “Please.”

\---

“I love you.” He couldn't think straight enough to argue that he loved him _more._ He kissed him as much as his panting would allow, his pace growing more desperate. He was close and feeling Anders shake beneath him only got him closer.

\---

“Please,” he repeated, wanting to respond, but being unable to. He writhed and when he reached his end, he tipped his head back with a cry. His felt the heat of his release between them, slickening their skin as they moved together. He wanted him to cum and he began to beg him for it.

\---

Anders didn't have to beg for long. His hips grew erratic as he felt his lover cum and it only took a handful of thrusts before his seed was pouring into him. He gasped raggedly for air and still he was trying to kiss him, wanting to enjoy it a moment longer before he'd help him uncurl from the position.

\---

He met the kisses eagerly, his hand sliding back down so both were on his ass as he tried to hold him there. “Did that feel good, love?” He wanted it to feel so good for him. He was still trying to catch his breath, taking the dwarf’s haphazard gasps for his own and smiling all the while.

\---

“It did.” He was still breathless, but there was a smile in his tone. He was surprised that both hands were holding him in place - he must not be _too_ uncomfortable if he wasn't in a big hurry to stretch his body. “You're so perfect…”

\---

“Pretty and perfect.” He chuckled and slowly but surely, his hold weakened and his hands eventually fell. “Everything’s perfect.” In times like this, it really felt that way.

\---

“It is.” He murmured, helping Anders to ease his legs down and settling on his mage's chest. “Do you ever think about getting married?” Normally he'd be a little more mindful about asking such a question, but drunk and satisfied as he was, it seemed like a good thing to ask.

\---

Though he hadn’t been as balled up as he’d initially offered, it had still taken some bending to make the position work and it felt good to be able to stretch out. He was just getting comfortable when the question brought his heart to a stop and he looked at him with wide eyes. His breathing seemed to stutter and it took a few beats for his heart to pick up, but when it did it was pounding. “...Getting married?” Varric was asking him about marriage? He could scarcely believe it, but he didn’t want to get ahead of himself and assume anything.

\---

“Yeah. It wouldn't be that crazy, would it?” He was bemused by the reaction and stole another kiss from him. “We're happy, we live well together, the sex is amazing. Most importantly, we're happy and you're perfect. I just wondered if you ever thought about it.”

\---

“Kind of, I just… I never thought anyone would want to marry me.” Not exactly, he’d figured that one day he would find someone to settle down with, but he’d always imagined a woman and children. With Hawke… he’d thought about it, but the rogue had shown no interest in marriage and so he hadn’t brought it up himself. With Varric, he’d assumed that it would be the same. That they would simply stay together. “You really want to marry me?”

\---

“I’m a romantic, Blondie. I want to get married eventually.” He wanted to settle down, but he’d also always imagined it being with a woman and a litter of children. “But we don’t have to if you’d rather not. I just want to know if it’s something you’ve wanted.”

\---

“It is,” he replied shyly. It made sense that he was just getting a feel for this, but for a moment he’d thought he was proposing it. He was glad that he hadn’t gotten ahead of himself. He liked the idea of marrying and he liked the idea of marrying Varric even more.

\---

“You could be my husband.” The idea made him chuckle. He’d never fathomed having a husband. “Theodoric Tethras. It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” Not that anyone else would know his name. But _they_ would know it.

\---

He flushed with pleasure. It did have a nice ring to it and he’d never considered what his name would be. “It does.” He stroked his fingers along his back slowly. “Are you sure it wouldn’t cause too much of a scandal?” He knew the dwarves he associated with could be… stubborn and judgmental.

\---

“Oh, it would be a scandal, of course. Marriages are usually political and I’ve already displeased some people by refusing a handful of offered brides. But my brother is still technically the head of our household, even if he’s in a world of trouble with the Guild for taking off. I have a little more freedom to marry for love than he does.” He didn’t sound particularly worried about it. He’d already made it clear that he didn’t plan to marry as the Guild wished him to anyway.

\---

“As long as no one tries to have you assassinated.” Or himself, for that matter, though he wasn’t actually worried about that. He gave him a warm smile and then kissed the tip of his nose.

\---

“Nah, they’ll scoff about me marrying a man and a human one at that, but no assassination attempts. Especially since I’m the younger Tethras brother.” He smiled and wrinkled his nose after the kiss. “We can get married if we want to.”

\---

“Alright, then at some point we’ll get married.” He wasn’t sure how soon he was wanting to, but the knowledge that they would eventually was enough to keep him warm. He couldn’t get enough kisses from him and quickly went for his mouth once more.

\---

He hummed his agreement into the kiss, in no hurry to break it. When he finally did, he spoke up again. “Maybe before my brother turns up and gets himself dismissed as leader of the house.” Of course, he had no idea how soon that would be. But it meant they probably shouldn’t put it off forever.

\---

“Then tell me when you want to.” He’d was willing whenever Varric wanted it. The fact that he’d suggested it at all had him tickled pink. To think that he could take his surname. Theodoric Tethras. It certainly sounded better than ‘Anders Tethras’, though that was his name.

\---

“Soon.” He took one of Anders’ hands in his own, looking it over. “I know you said you didn’t want me to buy you rings since they get in the way of your healing. Would you want to wear something else instead of a wedding band?”

\---

He couldn’t stop smiling. “No, I think that’s an exception I could make.” He would want to be traditional about the wedding, even if there wasn’t really anything traditional about a dwarf and a human marrying.

\---

“That’s good.” He’d prefer that much be traditional as well. He was glad his mage looked so happy and he stole another kiss from him. “We’ll have to go look at rings then. I’d want them to match.”

\---

“Gold, of course.” He knew how much his dwarf loved gold. It was good that it was the traditional metal for such things, but even if it wasn’t, he was sure they’d end up with golden rings regardless. It seemed that he had been proposing after all and he was glad for it - he wouldn’t have to wait and wonder if it was going to come up again. “On the inside of mine, I want ‘I Said It First’ engraved on the band.”

\---

“We can both have that engraved in ours. Then they’ll truly match.” He chuckled under his breath and nuzzled their noses together. “But only mine will be correct. On both topics of love _and_ marriage.”

\---

“Nope!” Though he’d basically proposed, bringing it up and planning it, he’d not asked the actual question and with that in mind. “Varric, will you marry me?” There! He asked first and that was something he would argue to the grave.

\---

“That’s cheating.” He laughed and gave him a nudge. “I proposed marriage, you were hardly even thinking about it. Formally asking doesn’t count after we’ve already agreed to marry soon.”

\---

“Nope, we were just talking about it. _I_ proposed and I’m not hearing a ‘yes’...?” He smirked, feeling victorious and knowing he was going to win this one.

\---

“You’re a cheater. We mutually agreed on getting married before you asked. It doesn’t count as a proposal.” He wanted to wipe the smirk off his face and he tried to do so with a kiss.

\---

He kissed him, but was quick to break it. “Are you _rejecting_ my proposal?” He put hurt into his voice, knowing that he was going to have to give in. He’d gotten himself into this position and the only way out would be what Anders wanted to hear.

\---

Varric sighed but looked amused and he cupped Anders’ cheeks in his hands. “Of course I'll marry you, Theodoric.” He kissed him once more. “Fine, fine. You _proposed_ first. But both love and marriage were instigated by me.”

\---

He grinned. “Whatever you say, Varric.” He pressed insistent kisses to his lips, feeling so overwhelmed with all of the love that was making his heart throb. “I’ve never been so happy in my life. You’re everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” These were things he should’ve said before he proposed, but having been put on the spot, he’d been in a hurry. It was just as well he could say them now.

\---

“I feel just the same.” He murmured between the kisses, a smile on his lips. “We’ll go look at rings at the end of the week. Start planning for the ceremony and the after party.” No way were they going to skip such a good excuse to throw a party.

\---

He nodded eagerly. “I can’t wait.” He felt like he was dreaming and he knew it wouldn’t feel real… probably even after they did it. Still, surreal as it was, he was riding high and he knew that despite how sleepy and drunk he was, it would take a while for him to settle down and rest. He wanted to talk about their wedding and so he began to ramble about Ferelden traditions he remembered from childhood.

\---

Varric listened to him avidly, wanting to know everything he wanted to be included in their wedding. He cuddled up to him, perfectly comfortable with him as he listened. There were some dwarven traditions he’d like in their wedding as well and he had no doubt they could blend their cultures nicely for the ceremony.


	65. Chapter 65

As Hawke walked the streets of Kirkwall, he found that they were so familiar and yet so different from the city he’d known. He’d only been out of jail for a matter of days, but he already knew that this was no longer his home. After two years out of the public eye, he was mostly forgotten. People passed him by without a second glance. Those that did recognize him seemed to still think of him as a mage-hunting bogeyman...which he knew was fair. He had been one once. His mansion was still his, which surprised him a little considering how easily the Chantry could have sold it to make up for the treasures he’d reportedly stolen, but it didn’t feel like home. It was lonely and a painful reminder of all he’d lost. He stayed there no more than two nights before selling it. It wasn’t his to keep and he needed to get out of Kirkwall.

He’d gone to the Circle to seek Bethany, only to find that she’d been kidnapped. The work of the Underground, no doubt, which was just one more reason he needed to find Anders. Anders, the love of his life who likely would have preferred he spent the rest of his life in prison. Perhaps that wasn’t true - his mage had sent a visitor to help coax him out of solitary confinement all those months ago. Maybe he didn’t want him to rot behind bars. But he didn’t fool himself into thinking Anders would want to see him. Still, he’d gone to the old clinic, found it empty, then asked around to find the new clinic. When he found it watched by guards, he got the message and kept his distance. He wasn’t welcome and the last thing he needed was to get himself thrown back into prison just after his release.

He’d tried the Hanged Man, where he’d once lived with Anders and the dwarf who’d stolen him away resided. To his surprise, Varric had moved out but the pirate remained. He didn’t get a warm welcome from Isabela and when he requested he take Pickles back when he saw his mabari in her room, she’d had some choice words for him before she slammed the door in his face. It was probably for the better. He would have liked his old companion back, but he hadn’t been kind to his beast when he was at his worst and he knew Pickles was probably much happier without him.

There wasn’t much left for him to do. He’d left himself nowhere to go and he had nothing left in Kirkwall except to speak to Anders. As days passed, he knew he couldn’t wait forever to talk to him. He had what he needed to go and he needed to get moving. But it felt so important to talk to him, even just for a moment.

Luck struck him when he was in the market, picking up what he needed to get on the road. He was laden with bags, taking mostly practical things with him but also a couple sentimental items that reminded him of Anders and his mother. But one bag had little in it and this one he was filling with bread, dried fruits, and salted meats he was buying for his travels. He was just leaving a stall with some potatoes he’d packed away when he bumped into another man, mumbling an automatic apology before he laid eyes on him. His heart lodged into his throat immediately. It was Anders and he was every bit as beautiful as he remembered him. “...Anders…”

\---

It’d taken a week or so for Anders to work up the confidence to go out on his own with no guards to accompany him. When he’d first heard of Hawke’s release, the old fear he’d thought he’d moved on from had come back in full force. He’d spent with first day with Varric, frightened of what would happen if he left their home. He didn’t know what sort of man Hawke was or if he’d done anything to better himself in the time he’d been locked away. If he wanted to be irrational, there was no telling what kind of harm he could cause.

Varric offered to stay with him the next day, but since nothing terrible had happened, Anders figured he’d be alright on his own. With the addition of some guards posted outside their home, of course. By the third day, Anders had grown restless and he’d decided he could at least go to the clinic, especially since he had an entourage to keep an eye out for him. Varric, of course, was having Hawke watched and it seemed the man was preparing to leave Kirkwall… or perhaps he was just collecting all of the coin he was worth, but it was Anders’ hope that he would try to move on.

They hadn’t been bothered and as such, the mage was becoming more assured that he meant no harm. That he would leave, as he seemed to be preparing to, and they could all put this behind them. He had no interest in seeing him and though he was on his mind as he made his way through the market, knowing that he was _somewhere_ , that there was a risk that he would run into him, he hadn’t really believed it would happen until it did.

He literally ran into him and as soon as he set eyes on him, he went white. He hadn’t seen him since Hawke had tried to choke him into submission and the fear that filled his eyes was as intense as it had been then. He took a step back and without thinking, whipped his staff from his shoulders, holding it threateningly between them.

“Stay back,” he warned him, taking another step away.

\---

He put his hands up submissively when the staff was drawn, taking a step back himself. Tears stung his eyes at the reaction from Anders. It was well deserved, but the fear of him was so fresh after all this time. “Can we talk, just for a moment?” He asked, his voice a little uneven. “I’m leaving Kirkwall today.” He hoped that the bags on his arms and back were evidence enough of that. “I just...wanted to tell you I’m sorry. And ask you about my sister. Please?”

\---

Seeing him was like seeing a ghost and he hadn’t realized how much he’d forgotten. All the details of his face… he’d spent so long trying to forget him that he had. He looked different, but it was everything that was familiar that stood out to him. His heart was pounding and his eyes scanned their surroundings, looking for routes of escape and realizing that the people around them had stopped what they were doing and were staring.

Slowly, he lowered the staff, though he kept a tight grip on it. He looked back to Hawke. “I already said what I had to.” That day in the clinic. He’d told him that Hawke had broken them and that he’d lost his love. That is love had gone to Varric and that he would never be his again - he didn’t deserve anything else from him.

\---

“I know you did. I’m not asking that you say anything.” He watched his hands as he lowered the staff and his stomach turned a little. Was that a wedding band? “I’m just asking that you hear me. Then I’ll go. You don’t owe me anything but...I’ve dreamt of talking to you ever since the day you sent Varric in to help me get out of solitary. Please…”

\---

He frowned, but after a few beats, he gestured him to corner of the market that wasn’t as crowded. He had no intention of going anywhere alone with him, but he also didn’t anyone listening in. When they were isolated enough, he turned to him. “Say what you want to say.”

\---

He was so relieved that was at least willing to hear him out. He didn’t mind that they weren’t alone. He’d love to hold Anders one last time, but he knew the other wouldn’t allow it. He had every reason not to allow it. “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. It’s not enough and I’m not asking for your forgiveness but...I still want you to know. I’m everything I hated about my father and I let anger and grief turn me into...something far worse than he ever was. I’m sorry that you were with me when it happened and I know how hard you tried to stop it.” He had to swallow a lump in his throat to go on. “You deserved so much more than what I gave you at my best and none of what I gave you at my worst. You didn’t have to help me when I was in jail, but you did. With your help, I got my rage under control and got out of solitary confinement in six months instead of the year they planned to keep me. I can’t thank you enough.”

\---

He never imagined hearing any of this from him and even then, it was underwhelming. He seemed earnest, but he’d heard many lies from him. He’d heard many apologies and they’d always meant nothing. He wasn’t moved and he wondered how much of this was to ease his own conscious after having too much time to think.

He held tight to his staff, knowing he would be shaking if he didn’t. “Do you feel better?” It wasn’t a kind response, but it was all he had to say to him.

\---

“...No. But I’m glad you heard it anyway.” It surprised him and hurt him that Anders was so cold, but it was all that he deserved. He couldn’t expect anything more, even if he’d hoped for it. “You’ve done well for yourself and I hope you and Varric are very happy.” Anders deserved to be happy, at least. “I should go, but I hoped you might point me in the right direction. It’ll get me far from Kirkwall, anyway.” He said this with a grim smirk, knowing Anders would never want to see him again. “Do you know what direction Bethany traveled in after she got out? I’d like to meet up with her some day.”

\---

“We are.” He was incredibly happy with Varric and he had no issue saying so, but he didn’t elaborate. As already said, he had nothing to say to him. He hesitated at the question, however, unsure if it was information he ought to divulge. He imagined that Bethany would want to see her brother, even if she’d rejected him in the time leading up to his imprisonment, but he didn’t really know.

“I do, but I don’t know if Bethany would want me to tell you.”

\---

“...I guess I don’t know if she would either.” She might hate him as much as Anders did. Maybe she’d be better off without him too, even if he was the only family she had left. He put on a heartbroken smile for him and gave him a little nod. “Thank you, Anders. I love you.” He still loved him and he wanted him to know it. He turned then to take his leave, deciding he didn’t need anything else at the market. It was time to get going.

\---

His teeth clenched. Hearing that felt like a fist to the face. He couldn’t bring himself to look at him and even there was so much he _could_ say, he had no desire to say it. He could call him back, could at least set him in the right direction, but he didn’t. The seconds passed, as did his chance, and eventually he blended into the crowd. Minutes passed. Minutes of standing still while the world moved on without him.

That was it. All of that time and all of that pain, all of that fear had amounted to this. It was so lackluster that he could almost cry. It was almost infuriating, but if he gave into those feelings then he was never going to move on. To really move on. Hawke was giving him space to live his life and he would be damned if he was the one keeping himself chained in the past. He had a life that filled him with such happiness and for the first time, he finally felt truly free.

When he started to move, it was with the intent to find Varric. He needed to find him and tell him that there was nothing left to fear.

  



End file.
